Daddy
by Happy2BeDee
Summary: After her nightmare with William Lewis is finally over, Olivia's life spins out of control in a whole new way! Suddenly, healing from her latest in a series of terrible things, Elliot comes back. Will he be able to pick up the broken pieces of the partner he left years ago? Eventual EO. Set after Beasts Obsession. Rated M for content. (contains rape and other violence).
1. Pieces

**This story takes place immediately after Beasts Obsession and I hope you enjoy it…well, as much as one can enjoy a story like this. I have no ideas on how long this story will be, could be 5 chapters, could be 50; it's over when it's over. Also, I'll be taking creative liberty with a few details, nothing huge, mainly things like ages and timeframes. That being said, Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters, all others belong to me.**

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"_No, no it's not that…I love you, Liv"_

"_I love you too Brian…I always will"_

_Of all the time for such things to be running through my head while I'm sitting in a hospital room covered in William Lewis' blood, this…now? But what else should I be thinking of? It's not as if there were very many pleasantries from which I could draw on to take my mind away from the situation that was and it wasn't as if our breakup had been the worst thing I'd been through…today was proof of th…_

"Can I call anybody for you? Family?" she heard the nurse ask, pulling her from her reverie.

"No, it's…no. Thank you." she watched with a blank stare as the nurse turned and left the room before she looked up at her partner with those same blank eyes "How's the girl?"

"Her father and sister are with her…" Nick answered but if he had to be completely honest, Amelia wasn't his top priority at the moment, he was worried about Olivia; he'd seen when he untied her from that table at the granary that her belt and pants were undone but she'd been so completely out of it – still is even as they sit here and he can't help but wonder what that monster had done to her, if Lewis had succeeded in violating her in the worst way possible. Yet still, in spite of the hell she'd just been put through, all Olivia could do was worry about Amelia and if _she was okay._

"He didn't…?" Olivia asked worriedly

"No, he didn't" Nick assured her, knowing just what she was asking. "She was just bait."

"For me…" Olivia uttered, Murphy's words suddenly playing back in her head "_he's not interested in that little girl…" _he got what he wanted" she said with the sudden realization that Murphy had been right and the blank look in her eyes became even more vacant.

* * *

Nick and Fin wanted to stay with her once they'd gotten her home but the only thing she wanted was solitude; to be alone with her thoughts but within a couple of hours of them leaving at her insistence, the quiet became too much and her thoughts were nothing more than tortuous reminders of the new hell she'd been put through at the hands of William Lewis.

"I should just have NYPD begin forwarding my paychecks straight to Lindstrom" she mused, unsettled by how much additional therapy she'd probably need to get past this latest disaster. She quickly sat up from where she lay on the sofa when she heard the doorbell, praying that Nick or Fin had decided to ignore what she'd said earlier and that one or both of them had come back and give her the comfort of presence that she so desperately needed right now but was stunned when she opened the door to see Brian standing there.

He looked at her nervously, sympathetically when she opened the door, seeing her broke his heart and he fully expected that she'd give the usual _I'm fine _and say that she didn't want to be bothered; some sort of shut down but that wasn't at all what he got.

"I heard about…" he began but before he could finish, she'd thrown herself into his arms, hers tight around his neck and began sobbing, letting out everything she'd been keeping in. Brian stood there in the doorway, absolutely stunned into silence as he held her. He hadn't been prepared for this; Olivia didn't break, she didn't cry and certainly never with him. This was foreign territory and he had no idea how to navigate it but he knew one thing, she needed him right now and if he hadn't been sure that he'd made the right decision in coming to her, he had no doubts in his mind right now and he held her even tighter.

"It's okay Liv, I'm here" he said softly. After a moment, she pulled away and looked up at him, her eyes already swollen from the tears that had been cried, the tears that still streamed her face and without a word, she kissed him intensely…desperately while clinging to him as if he were her gravity.

As good as it felt to have her in his arms, this wasn't what he'd come here for.

"Liv…Liv stop"

"Brian please, I need this right now, I need you!" she begged

"You're vulnerable right now; you only think this is what you want" he protested

"I know what I want. I want to feel something other than this numbness inside me! Please Brian" she begged as she kissed him "Please!"

Against his better judgment, he gave in and they made love without inhibition, frantically again and again through the remainder of the day and late into the night. she knew that she'd hurt like hell tomorrow but didn't care, squeezing her eyes shut as her final orgasm tore through her before she finally gave in to sleep; much to his relief because he physically couldn't again and was more than happy to join her in slumber, wondering as he drifted off, how long she'd let him be here for her. He got his answer the next morning when he woke up to a note on the pillow.

_Thanks for last night but clean break ok? Let yourself out._

_Liv_

"Did you really even have to wonder?" he asked himself as he crumpled the note in his hand and let out an exasperated sigh as he threw it across the room and into the wastebasket.

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**If you think you have this story figured out, recalibrate those thoughts! I'll be back very soon with chapter two.**


	2. Backtracking

**Can I just say thanks for the reviews and follows this story has gotten since just yesterday? You guys really know how to make a girl feel the love. Thank you, thank you, thank you; from the bottom of my heart! *blows kisses* so here we are with chapter two and I know you guys are wondering just what the hell the gist of the story is, well this chapter spells it out and I hope you're all still with me once it does. Not much more to say except that this chapter is long, Dick Wolf owns all SVU characters and I own what I own which is basically a pretty bitchin shoe collection and a few original characters. Enjoy!**

...

**Chapter contains rape and violence.**

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**.**

It had been five days since she stood bound to a table in the granary and forced to watch Lewis put a bullet into his own brain and showering her with his blood. Last spring he'd tortured her and horrendously scarred her body; this time he made sure he'd finished the job of scarring her soul.

"_Say goodbye Olivia…this is the last thing you're gonna think about before you die…the last thing you're gonna see"_

She shook the memory out of her head and tried to focus on the work in front of her, noticing her phone screen lighting up as yet _another _call from Brian came through. She knew that he meant well and that he was concerned about her, especially with how she left things with them a week ago. She hadn't meant to be so callous with the way she said goodbye to him but it was all she could do with the emotional state she was in. _Sorry Bri, right now it's not you, it's me. _she thought as she stared at the screen before declining his call.

_Benson. Leave a message._

"Liv hey, it's me again…Brian. Listen, I don't wanna be a pest or anything but this is like my tenth call in a week and I just wanna know if you're alright considering…I shouldn't have let it go that far, I came to you to be a friend and I feel like I took advantage; I don't know, maybe you feel it too which is probably why you won't talk to me… look, Liv I know that we're not together but I care about you; please, just call or text or tweet… considering neither of us have a twitter that's probably not the best idea but just let me know that you're okay; that we're okay – after that you can tell me to fuck off!" he said with a small laugh. "Okay…bye."

He ended the call and stared at his phone wistfully before putting it back in his pocket and leaving the locker room.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Back at the sixteenth, Olivia typed out a quick text to Brian, deciding that he deserved at least that much.

_I appreciate the concern but I'm fine. No need to keep calling._

She quickly hit send and tossed the phone onto her desk as Murphy came through the squad room totally surprised to see her.

"Sergeant what the hell are you doing here?" He asked

"Working?"

"I don't mean…you're supposed to be resting, taking it easy"

"I did that, I'm bored"

"After 4 days?"

"You don't know me very well do you?"

"Benson, go home. Watch TV, sleep, take a class I don't care just get out of my squad room before 1PP accuses me of overworking the city's newest hero."

"Murphy…"

"Come on, a week, I gotta at least look like I'm taking care of you"

"Fine!" she relented, tossing her pen and shutting her laptop. She had begun gathering her things when the squad room doors opened and a uni walked in escorting a young woman. She looked to be about 25 was dressed casually in black leggings and a long sweater and she was covered in visible bruises to her face and neck, the most prominent being the black and purple swelling to her left eye that left the young woman unable to even open it.

"Sergeant, we got a spousal rape, wants to file charges" the young officer informed Olivia. Olivia in turn looked over at Murphy as if asking permission and since Neither Fin, Amaro or Rollins were there, he sighed, rubbing his temples.

"Go" he said, the word barely having left his mouth before Olivia was striding across the room to make her way to the victim.

"I'm Sergeant Benson but you can call me Olivia" she said softly to the woman as she led her to the interview room.

"I'm Faith" the young woman said nervously, looking around as if she expected that at any minute someone would be coming after her.

"That's a very pretty name. Faith, why don't you sit down, get comfortable and when you're ready you can start by telling me what happened. In the meantime can I get you something to drink or…?"

"No…no I'm fine" Faith had chosen a seat at the table in the room, wrapping her arms around her thin body upon settling in the chair, Olivia taking the chair facing her. "I just…I don't know if I should be here, what if he…" she said almost in tears as she looked over her shoulder at the door.

"Faith…Faith listen to me okay? He cannot hurt you here" Olivia assured her "You're in a safe place. And if you let me help you, I promise he will never hurt you again."

"Nobody can protect me from him"

"I will" _even if I'm not so good at protecting myself…_

"You sound so sure"

"I'm pretty good at what I do" Olivia said with a soft smile "will you trust me?"

There was a long silence in the room as Faith sat with her head down, nervously chewing her already split bottom lip as Olivia sat patiently waiting for the young woman to agree to let her help. Finally, Faith took a deep breath and looked up at Olivia with her eyes full of tears.

"My husband…he has so many rules…too many to remember"

"Rules?"

"…on how I should look, things I should do, say…he has rules for everything and he gets angry when I forget"

"Is that how you got these?"Olivia asked, gesturing to the bruises that covered the young woman. Again, Faith simply nodded as the tears she'd been holding back broke free.

"He likes his dinner on the table at 6pm when he walks in the door…I was ten minutes late and…" she stopped as her phone pinged in her purse. Nervously she removed the device from her purse and read the message that had come through. "This was a mistake" she said as she practically jumped out of her seat.

"Faith, was that him?"

"I shouldn't have come here…I'm sorry to have wasted your time. I gotta go!" Faith cried and ran for the door, throwing it open and fleeing down the hall.

"Fuck!" Olivia seethed and quickly went after her. She was nowhere in sight by the time Olivia made it to the hall outside of the squad room and Olivia figured that she must have already gotten an elevator as she turned toward the exit to the stairs and ran down.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

By the time she'd reached the lobby, she saw Faith running from the building and followed her outside.

"Faith, wait!" she called, catching up to her just as she was about to cross the street.

"I have to go!"

"Faith please, just let me help"

"I told you before, you can't" Olivia hated these cases the most, the ones where she knew she cold make a difference but the victims were just too afraid to cooperate. She couldn't keep the young woman here and force her to give a statement so she had no choice but to let her go.

"Please, take my card" she said as she scribbled her number on the back "I'm giving you my cell number, if you change your mind, and I pray you will, you call me any time day or night, I promise I'll answer." Faith stood staring at it for a brief moment before quickly taking the card, again looking over her shoulder.

"If he finds this…"

"Memorize the number and throw it away but I pray that you'll use it"

"I have to go" she said again before running across the street and disappearing down the block. Olivia stood and watched until Faith was out of sight then hung her head and let off a long sigh before heading back inside.

* * *

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Later in the squad room, Olivia sat at her desk absently going over case files but unable to get Faith off her mind; she still hadn't heard from her since she went running from the precinct this morning and now as it neared midnight, she couldn't help feeling that she wouldn't.

"Still here?" Nick asked as he walked in carrying a bag of something that smelled divine to Olivia

"I didn't want to go home" she answered quietly "What's in the bag?"

"Well, I figured you'd still be here and if you were there's a pretty good chance that you hadn't had dinner"

"I'm actually starving!"

"I figured that too so I stopped by Vinnie's and got some of your favorites" he said as he put the bag down on her desk and pulled up a chair "mind if I join you?"

"Nick, you are a godsend, of course I don't mind!"

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"Good to see your appetite returning"

"You and me both!" she smiled as she dropped her napkin onto her almost empty plate "But I seriously cannot eat another bite I'm so full!"

"Same!"

"Thanks again Nick"

"You're welcome; It's good to see you smiling."

"I'm moving toward a good place"

"You and Cassidy? – if you don't mind me asking"

"No; that's still…what it is and I don't see us going back to…no."

"I'm sure he's just worried about you; we all are. None more than me"

"What do you mean?"

"Liv…at the granary, I saw…your clothes were undone and you were so out of it I just…I didn't mention what I saw to anybody but I've been going crazy wondering…"

"He didn't rape me"

"Then what…?"

_Suddenly she was back there in that room and she could feel him behind her, his breath on her neck then his lips on hers; roughly twisting her head around to force his kiss on her – his greedy, violent kiss before his hands were everywhere and she wished she were anywhere but there, complete panic setting in when he undid her belt and she felt him tearing at her jeans…_

"Just a failed attempt" she said near a whisper, her mind suddenly back in the present "But it's over. All of it is behind me and that's where it stays – behind me!"

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"You know what to do?" he asked. Everything had to be perfect if his plan was to work.

"I got this far didn't I?"

"You did, and I'm grateful"

"Just be grateful with my money when the job's complete! And you wanna tell me again why you need me?"

"Not really"

"She's your ex girlfriend, I mean why don't you just call her up and tell her you miss her?"

"It's complicated…this way is better" the man said

"As long as you got my money I don't give a shit!" she said as she held out her hand

"Always the bottom line with you whores" he scorned as he put an envelope full of cash in her eager palm. "twenty five hundred…you get the rest if and when she shows up"

"Oh she'll show up; and when she does, I'm thinking bonus!"

"Sweetheart, the bonus I got for you…you'd never expect it even in your wildest dreams" he smiled

"That's what I like to hear" she grinned.

She had no idea the man she was dealing with.

* * *

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"I should get home" Olivia said as she stacked the files on her desk. After their impromptu dinner, she and Nick spent another two hours getting paperwork done and now half past midnight, they were both exhausted and ready to call it quits. "Can't believe he's making me take a week"

"This time I won't argue with Murphy, you should take a little time off. You just be sure to pick up when I call in the morning, you know the drill"

"Call every morning and at night; yeah, yeah" she grinned, rolling her eyes "It's not necessary you know, Lewis is dead in case nobody told you"

"Better safe than sorry; shit happens!"

"Preaching to the choir, Nick"

"Come on, I'll drive you home" he offered as he got up. she didn't have a chance to answer him, her phone suddenly ringing.

"Hold that that thought… Benson" she answered and as met with the sound of heavy breathing from the other end "Hello?"

"Olivia?" a woman's voice cried from the other end "You said I could call any time" she continued sobbing, Olivia's heart filling with fear and relief all at once

"Faith?"

"He said he'd kill me…he wouldn't stop beating me. I hit him with a lamp, he staggered and I ran!"

"Honey, where are you? Are you safe?"

"I'm in a diner…I don't know where, I'm in my pajamas I…I just kept running until I couldn't!"

"You did the right thing. Faith ask a waitress where you are, I'll come get you"

"Okay"

Olivia waited while faith got the information she needed and quickly jotted it down.

"Smokie's, I know where that is, just sit tight, I'm on my way" she assured Faith before ending the call

"What…?" Nick asked

"Young victim came in this morning, husband raped and beat her but she was scared to death and ran back to him before she could tell me everything."

"And let me guess, he attacked again?"

"Thankfully she managed to get away…I need to go to her"

"I'll come with"

"I think I should go alone, I'm trying to get her to trust me and if she sees you it might scare her off"

"Liv…"

"Nick, I'll be fine"

"So help me; you lock the car windows…and the doors and you call me the second you get there!"

"Okay dad. Go home, stop worrying" she said as they left the squad room together.

Downstairs in the parking lot, he got into his car while she took the brown SUV that belongs to the department.

"Call" he sternly reminded

"Goodnight Nick" she grinned before they drove off in separate directions.

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.

Olivia arrived at the out-of-the-way diner twenty minutes later. After calling Nick, she got out of the car and went inside, showed her badge to the waitress on duty and asked about the young woman who had come in; the waitress, happy that someone would be helping the girl, gladly escorted Olivia over.

"I got here as fast as I could" Olivia apologized to Faith who sat curled up in a booth, nervously sipping a mug of tea that the waitress had been kind enough to give her on the house. She was sickened when she sat down and Faith looked up at her, her long red hair falling away from her face to reveal a barrage of new and worse cuts and bruises.

"I can't go back there" she wept silently

"And you never have to again" Olivia promised, her heart breaking for the young woman "Come on, I'm parked out front."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

They had driven about fifty yards from the diner when Faith gripped the door handle and began taking deep breaths.

"You okay?"

"Pull over, I'm gonna be sick!" Faith cried. Olivia quickly slowed the car and pulled over to the side of the road that housed a vacant lot. Faith sprang from the car the moment it stopped, running about 10 feet into the lot before she dropped down to the ground on all fours and began retching violently. Olivia got out of the car and ran over to her, kneeling down beside her to hold her hair back as she continued heaving.

She was saying something to Faith about going to the hospital when it happened, she never heard his footsteps as they softly approached and never got a chance to turn around before he whacked her hard on the back of the head, knocking her out cold and sending her limp body falling to the freezing ground.

"How the hell did you manage to throw up?" he asked as he knelt down and began securing Olivia's hands, legs and feet with duct tape.

"Ipecac" Faith grinned as she stood up and wiped her mouth with the back of her sleeve. She was disturbed at seeing him tie Olivia up; they hadn't discussed anything like that but she figured it was none of her business and said nothing

"Darlin, you are one dedicated girl" he mused, impressed at how well she'd performed "Even took two beatings like a pro!"

"Had to be convincing! You know how many tricks I'd have to turn for five large? Hell, I'd have let you actually rape me if you needed to!" she laughed but was quite serious.

"If only they had Oscars for whores…"

"Performance of my life" she gloated

"Truer words…" he'd placed the final piece of tape over Olivia's mouth and picked her up, carrying her to his vehicle a few yards away where he put her body in the trunk. He took her radio and badge, her phone, wallet, cuffs and gun into a bag and carried them back to the department SUV she'd driven and placed them on the front seat before turning off the engine, taking the keys out of the ignition and locking the doors then threw they keys far into the dark lot, all while Faith stood watching.

"Okay well, it's been real but I gotta go…unless you wanna sample what you paid for" she offered

"I'll pass"

"Whatever. Where's my money? …and that bonus we discussed? she asked while leaning back against Olivia's vehicle.

"Hold your horses darling, I got it right here" he said with a sly grin as he reached into his back pocket. But instead of the envelope full of cash that she was expecting she got a knife to the stomach, her mouth agape in shock as he stabbed her twice more with hard, quick thrusts before letting her drop to the ground beside the SUV.

"Dead whores tell no tales!" he mocked, smiling down at the dying girl with his perfect white teeth "Give El Diablo my regards!" he winked as he closed her eyes and released her final breath and the man turned and went back to his car, shut the trunk and drove away without a second thought just the rain started.

Inside the SUV, Olivia's phone rang for the final time before it went to voicemail…

"Liv it's me again. I got your text and I tried to be okay with it but I can't because…well I can't. I tried the whole 'us being apart' thing and I miss you a hell of a lot more than I realized, especially after…we need to talk, I'll stop by after work tomorrow. I love you."

With a pained sigh, Brian hung up the phone. He had no idea why it took almost losing Olivia again to make him realize what he had let go. She loved him but he hadn't been willing to give her the one thing he knew she wanted most in the world – to be a mom. He remembered a few months back when she thought she was pregnant and how when she found out that she actually wasn't, he practically jumped for joy. He hadn't realized how much he'd hurt her then and now he'd give anything to take it back and to have her take him back and he swore to himself there in his office that if she did he would do whatever she wanted to keep her happy - even give her the child she wants so desperately.

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A few hours later Olivia began to stir, pain quickly registering and she groaned, attempting to reach the throbbing that came from the back of her head but her arm couldn't move and she tried the other one only to be met with the same result.

"What…" she grumbled slowly opening her eyes to realize that she was in a very dimly lit bedroom that she didn't recognize. She tried to sit up but only managed to rise a few inches before she sank back down. It took her a few more seconds to realize that her arms and legs were secured to the large, plush bed on which she lay and that her clothes were gone, replaced by a sleeveless cotton nightgown. Panic immediately set in and she began pulling at her restraints while taking such deep and quick breaths, she could feel herself becoming lightheaded.

"No…no no no!" she cried as she squeezed her eyes shut. "This is a dream…it's just a dream. Do not panic, Olivia, you're only dreaming! Any second now, Lewis will walk through that door and you'll wake up" she tried to convince herself, now trembling in absolute terror as a deluge of tears tumbled down her face and her breathing became even more erratic.

"God, please, please, please" she prayed in a frantic whisper, suddenly feeling hopeful when the door creaked open and a man walked into the room, his footsteps heavy on the floor. She'd wake up any second now, safe in her own bed or wherever she'd fallen asleep but it would be okay.

"Afraid he can't hear you darling!" she heard a voice say but it wasn't the voice she was expecting and her heart began beating even faster. "I can see why he was so obsessed" the man said as he reached out and caressed Olivia's tear stained cheek and she recoiled from his touch. This was real.

"Who are you and why am I here?"

"Who am I?" he took a seat beside her on the bed, his face now in clear view, smiling that same toothy, creepy smile that she had become entirely too familiar with, only on a face that was 20 years older and cold fear gripped her. "That's right, where are my manners? Harlan Lewis and as for why you're here, well, it's simple; you killed my Billy…my only son and I want him back!"

_Am I supposed to feel sorry for you?_

…_I think you miss the point. See, my daddy got up, pulled up his pants, put me in the car and took me to Dairy Queen…it was best day of my life!_

"How? He's…"

"See I'm glad you're asking questions…means you're payin attention" he responded as he let his hand trail up her leg but she was too frozen with fear to even move and instead locked her eyes on his hand crying uncontrollably while her body continued to shake and his hand rose higher, raising the gown she was wearing until he was between her thighs and cupped her there.

"Please…don't" she begged and was relieved when he took his hand away and stood up.

"That's right, you wanna know how I get my boy back. it's not rocket science" he said as he as he took off his shirt then began undoing his belt and pants. Olivia pulled at her restraints even harder; she'd escaped this fate twice, this could not happen.

"I'm gonna fuck you seven ways to Sunday until I put one in you and then after you squeeze him out of that pretty little pussy, I kill you! He said and climbed onto the bed, on top of her and pushed her gown up, settling himself between her thighs.

_This isn't happening, this isn't happening, this isn't happening… _she told herself again and again even as she felt his hardness at her entrance.

"I don't want this, please!" she sobbed, realizing that there was no way out this time. HarlandHarlan angrily slapped her across the face with the back of his hand and grabbed her by the throat.

"Rule one, what you want don't matter; now open up for Daddy!" before her next thought could register, he forced his entire length into her and began moving brutally, viciously while she screamed and begged for mercy but he only got rougher

"Let it out baby, that's just the way I like it…music to my ears!"

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**I… hell, I won't even try. **


	3. Her Reality

**Hadn't intended on updating this so soon but you guys have been vey vocal about wanting more, now and who am I to disappoint my readers? Thanks for the love you've shown this story even in considering its subject matter. It gets way wore before it gets better…if it gets better. (I plan for better but the story does its own thing so we'll see) Not much else to say so let's jump in.**

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***Chapter contains rape and violence, proceed with caution.***

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The sun was coming up when he finally rolled off her and Harlan stood buckling his pants while a devastated Olivia lay staring at the ceiling, tears streaming her face and her mind unable to wrap itself around what had just happened to her.

"I gotta tell ya darling, that was amazin! Nice and tight, able to take a poundin…a man would pay big money for snatch this good and I get it for free! Hell, maybe after I get that bun in your oven..."

Olivia continued staring up, trying her best to block him out and to tell herself that she would get out of this.

"Oh but don't you worry, I'm just gonna take a quick rest and I'll be right back to fill you up again, make sure we get a little Lewis in there as soon as possible" he grinned, seemingly impressed with himself as he stroked her cheek; she quickly turned her head away from his touch.

"You listen to me whore!" he spat as he angrily snatched her face back to face him "rule two: you don't EVER turn away from me! I touch you how I want, when I want you understand me?" he yelled. Olivia said nothing, just looked at him defiantly with pure hatred in her eyes, nostrils flaring as she fought the sob that threatened to choke her. Finally after a moment…

"I hope it's painful" she said as she looked him in the eye

"What's that darlin?"

"Your death when they find you!" there was ice in her voice as the words fell from her lips.

"Oh, you like to talk about death huh? Well let's do that!" he said and pinched her nose shut with his thumb and forefinger while clamping the rest of his palm over her mouth. "see the difference between me and you is you fear the reaper while I invite him to dance" he taunted as she struggled to breathe beneath him but he only pushed his hand tighter against her mouth while she thrashed beneath him desperate for air.

"Same thing I always told my boy…embrace death, once you do you have no fear. And when you ain't got fear in the way, that's when you really start livin…" he continued chatting away as if there weren't a suffocating woman beneath his hand and Olivia was desperate at this point, thrashing violently and pulling at her restraints. She was getting weaker, her vision was fading and she was lightheaded but Harlan just continued talking then just when everything had started to go black…

"Well ain't your face just the prettiest shade of blue?" he laughed before he removed his hand, leaving her gasping hard to take in the air her lungs craved. "You know on second thought, who needs rest when just watchin you get all feisty got me ready to go again!"

"No…" she begged. The pain between her legs already had her feeling as if she's literally been torn apart "Please, I can't

"Well, you're gunna" he undid his pants again and leaned over her, kissing her hard on the lips "My god that's a sweet mouth! I'll be sure to put it to use later" he said, his face still lingering over hers, so entranced by her beauty, he never saw the head-butt coming and within a split second he was screaming, cradling his broken nose as it gushed blood everywhere.

"You're even more stupid and delusional than your son was if you think-" she didn't finish before he was on her beating her mercilessly with a barrage of sharp blows to her face while screaming profanities as his blood dripped all over the nightgown she wore. She refused to give him the satisfaction of her screams this time and it made him angrier, fueling him to continue his assault until he grew tired and she was barely conscious, just lying there limp and unmoving

"Now we get to have real fun and I won't be so gentle this time!" he said menacingly and began tearing her gown away from her body then reached to undo her right arm and leg, freeing them from their restraints so that he could turn her over onto her stomach. She tried her best to fight him but in her weakened state she was no match for his strength and he soon had her face down, pinning her by the neck then forced himself inside her from behind while she squeezed her eyes shut and bit down on her split lip, trying to withstand this new assault on her already bruised insides.

* * *

.

_Benson, leave a message_

"Hey Liv, it's Nick. What'd you? Sleep in this morning? Don't forget the chief's comin through, rise and shine sleepyhead." He ended the call and just as he was about to put the phone away, he got a nagging feeling and decided to try her landline. After several rings, the answering machine picked up.

_Hi it's Liv, sorry I missed you, wait for the beep._

"Hey it's Nick again, listen I'm just gonna swing by your place and pick you up…save time. Alright, be there soon." He tried to not let his worry show in his voice but still couldn't help feeling that something was wrong, Liv never slept in on a work day and it was with this in mind that he made one more call.

"Special Victims Unit, Detective Rollins speaking" Amanda answered

"Amanda, Liv in?"

"Uh no, not yet"

"Shit! Alright, I'm on my way to her place, if she comes in before I get there make sure she calls me before she does anything"

"Nick, you ok?" Amanda asked

"Yeah I'm good. Just…make sure she calls"

"You got it!" Amanda said before hanging up, her curiosity getting the better of her and she quickly lifted the receiver from her desk phone and dialed Olivia's cell, becoming more anxious with every ring and hanging up when it went to voicemail. "Now that's odd…" she thought as he dialed Olivia's landline and when that too went unanswered, she knew that there was more to Nick's call.

"Liv, it's Rollins and I'm a little worried, why aren't you pickin up? Give me a call" she said, sounded more anxious than she meant to and slammed the phone down on the cradle as Fin entered the squad room.

"Who did it?" he asked as he handed his partner coffee

"Did what? Thanks" she said before taking a long sip

"Made you mad enough to be slammin down phones this early in the morning…"

"It might be nothing but, we can't get hold of Liv"

"What do you mean you can't get hold of Liv?"

"I've called her apartment, her cell and apparently Nick's done the same and got nothing, Nick's on his way there now"

"I'm sure she's fine" Fin mumbled on his way to his desk, more hoping than believing.

* * *

.

Harlan spilled himself inside of Olivia, growling as he came and gripping her hips so hard that his fingers left bruises where they dug into her flesh. For along moment he just lay there on top of her breathing heavily against her while planting kisses to the bare skin of her back. She lay beneath him relieved that it was finally over and prayed that he would leave her alone.

"So good…" he mused then without warning he pushed up inside her one last time, eliciting a loud and pained cry from her before he pulled out.

"So here's what I'm gonna do…" he began as he got up and began zipping his pants. "I got business to tend to so I'm gon be out for most of the day." He said as he undid her remaining restraints. She quickly turned on her side and curled her body into a fetal position, weeping silently and not even bothering to fight, just rocking herself, eyes blank as she disappeared somewhere in her mind

"and I'm gunna let you loose. Now don't go tryin to escape cuz there ain't no way outta this room and if by some miracle you did get out, I got four of the nastiest pits you'd ever wanna see out in the hall waitin to rip you to shreds, so I invite ya to try if ya feel lucky!" Olivia remained silent as he continued talking

"_You have to take care of yourself…and me!"_

_She remembered how happy they were that day, they'd finally moved into their new place together; a fresh start for both of them._

_She could still feel his lips as they pressed against her forehead, still feel hi arms as he enveloped her in them and held her tight, giving her a sense of security that she hadn't felt since…_

"_Elliot put his papers in"_

_She could still remember how her heart broke that day in Cragen's office upon finding out that Elliot had left. He was the person she depended on most in the world, the person she thought would always be there but then suddenly and without warning or goodbye, he was gone. But then, everybody left eventually right? Her mother left her, she was all she had in the world and suddenly she was gone. Then El had become all she had and he left too. Munch, Cragen, they all left and eventually Brian left too even though it had been a mutual decision but deep down she wished that he had fought harder for her, not been resigned to let them go so easily. _

"_Do they know that I'm gone yet?" she wondered "How long will it be before they fi-"_

"You listenin to me girl?" Harlan yelled, her hair gripped tight in his fist as he yanked her head back, quickly pulling her from her thoughts. She didn't respond, just coldly looked through him. "You got fire in your spirit girl…maybe my boy wasn't man enough to break you, but I am…and I will" he smiled that sickening smile just like his son's; the one that haunted her dreams every night and she suddenly felt sick.

"Rest up" He ordered, releasing his hold on her hair "You'll need it for when I get back!"

She lay there and listened s he opened and shut the bedroom door, the dogs barking anxiously in the hall as he put the locks in place, sealing her in and then continued listening as his footsteps carried him away. She was in far too much pain to even think about moving just yet and when she could no longer hear him, she held herself tighter as her tears broke and she cried in deep, piteous sobs that shook her entire body. forget about rescue, even if they found her how would she ever come back from this? How would she go on she wondered and wished that she would just die, right here.

* * *

.

"Looks like the girl's been here for some time, no sight of Sergeant Benson but we found her phone, wallet…everything inside the vehicle" the detective from major case informed Murphy, who had just arrived to the crime scene at the vacant lot."We're waiting for the M.E. to get here.

"This girl came in to my squad room yesterday looking to report spousal rape. Faith…I didn't get her last name because Sergeant Benson was the one who talked with her"

"Any idea why Benson who be out here with her?" the detective asked.

"Oh my god, it's her!"The waitress from the diner cried as she approached the crime scene. She was just ending her overnight shift and saw the scene as she drove away from the diner.

"Ma'am, you cannot be here" Murphy said

"I know that girl!" she sobbed "She came into the diner last night after midnight, said her husband had beaten her and she ran away from him…she asked to use the phone and she called a lady cop who came to pick her up. Tall, dark, very pretty; they left together, I don't understand!"

"Are you absolutely sure?"

"I couldn't forget, she was pitiful and my heart broke for her!"

"Okay, we're gonna need to take a statement from you, my officers will take you down to the precinct." The detective informed her

"Of course" she didn't hesitate to comply and quickly turned to her husband who was still in the car "I'm gonna go with the officers" she informed him.

"Don't worry sir, she'll be escorted home as soon as we're done."

"So the husband maybe follows her, kills her in a rage but then where the hell is Benson?" Murphy wondered. "I want every available man on this, find her!" he ordered.

* * *

.

**Chapter three soon.**


	4. Holding on

**Don't know why this story is coming out so quickly but I won't fight it. Here we are, already with chapter four. This chapter isn't huge but it does what it's meant to do. Won't take up too much time, you all know the rhetoric, enjoy!**

* * *

**.**

"_I suggest you put it out of your mind, because you don't make it out of here alive!"_

She snapped out of her reverie and quickly reached from where she sat on the shower floor, her knees against her chest and turned off the now freezing water, watching as it, tinged with the last of the blood that flowed from between her legs, swirled down the drain. She had no idea how long she'd been there like that, having fallen into a daze after scrubbing herself raw but now, shivering from the cold, she pulled her aching body from the tub.

In the bedroom she found a fresh nightgown – white cotton, identical to the one that Harlan had torn off her, in the large basket that sat on the floor of the closet. In fact, she noticed that the basket held nothing BUT white cotton nightgowns and was filled with them – no undergarments or clothing of any other kind; just dozens of thin, white cotton nightgowns and as she pulled one on over her wet hair and let it fall over her bruised, naked body, she found her thoughts drifting again.

"_Did you ever see yourself growing old, with me?" _

"_I don't really see myself growing old…"_

Why did her mind keep going back there, to their breakup, torturing her with reminders that she was destined to end up just as her mother had; broken and alone.

"But you weren't completely… we had each other…" she whispered as fresh tears streamed her face and she just as quickly wiped them away, wincing at the pain that registered when she touched her battered face.

"No time for wallowing…" she told herself as she shook the thoughts away. After Harlan had left, she'd lain there, her face bleeding onto the pillow while her lower half bled all over the sheets. She'd cried until she couldn't before she forced herself out of that bed and crawled to the adjoining bathroom to clean herself up. She could tell just by the way it felt beneath her fingertips that he'd done serious damage to her face but with no mirror anywhere in the two rooms, she could only imagine how bad it was. but if the swelling to her mouth that cause her speech to slur was any indication…

"You have to find a way out of here!" she knew that if she would have any chance of escaping, she'd need a weapon and her eyes began scanning the room, first settling on the blood stains on the comforter, then the restraints and finally the torn nightgown and she could hear her own screams replaying in her head. they made her shudder.

_Let it out baby, that's just the way I like it…music to my ears!_

He'd left hours ago and she was still in an incredible amount of pain and couldn't imagine being put through more once he returned. Drawing in a sharp breath, she forced her attention away from the bed and refocused on finding something to hurt him with but looking around the room, she could see that he'd been smart in planning to bring her here; the room was scantly furnished. No curtain rod at the window, not towel bars or shower curtain rod in the bathroom. The full size bed with the solid oak head and footboards that she could see had each been carved from a single piece of wood – no bars or posts to dislodge.

"Pity. I'd love to bash your skull in even worse than I did your demon son!" she mused.

Yes, Harlan had taken caution; he'd learned from the news reports about how she'd gotten away from Billy after four days and he wouldn't make that mistake. Aside from the bed that served no purpose other than what he'd brought her here for, there was no other furniture in the room. The tiny closet near the door; she'd noticed that the bar had been removed and the built-in shelf was of no use, still she opened it again thinking she might have missed something. She reached up and ran her hand along its surface, hoping that she would find something hard or sharp enough to attack him with but there was nothing, just and old, thin wire hanger that she quickly tossed back onto the shelf and slammed the closet door in frustration. This agitated the dogs and they began barking furiously, causing her to yelp as she nearly jumped out of her skin; backing away from the door while trying to calm her rapidly beating heart and when she'd backed herself into a corner, she sank to the floor realizing the hopelessness of her situation, wrapping her bruised arms around her knees that were pulled tightly to her chest, her whole body shaking as she sobbed and the dogs continued barking viciously while scratching at the door, eager to get to who they considered to be the enemy on the other side.

"Someone has to find me!"

* * *

.

"How the hell could I let her go out there alone last night?" Nick was sick inside as he began nervously checking his watch again – 2:45 and still nothing.

"Come on man, nobody _lets_ Liv do anything" Fin reminded him "Stop blamin yourself!" Once again, facing the unknown, Fin found himself being the voice of reason when he just wanted to lash out at any and everything; just destroy something…hurt someone…turn this whole fucking city upside down until they found her. How could this happen again? Why?

"Fin, tell me this is a mistake!"Brian cried as he rushed into the squad room. "Tell me it's wrong man, she can't be…" He stopped when his eyes caught sight of the squad room that had been transformed into a command center and he sank down into the nearest chair, his legs being of no use to him, having quickly given out as reminders of last spring flooded him and he felt just as helpless all over again.

"We'll find her" Fin promised, not even sure how or if he believed it himself this time.

"So you know who took her?" he asked, full of hope

"Not yet, but we have leads" Nick answered

"What? The dead girl?" Brian cried

"We have every reason to believe that her husband is behind this" Murphy informed him "but since the girl had no identification on her and all we have is a first name, we're waiting on a fingerprints and DNA to tell us who she is. The sooner we know, the sooner we find the husband."

"And what if she's not in the system, huh? Then what? Liv is out there with some asshole and we don't even have the faintest idea of who he is, or where he has her…or of she's even still alive." He couldn't hold back the tears in his voice.

"Cassidy…man we can't think that way" Fin said as he put a hand on the younger man's shoulder to comfort him.

"Fin he left his own wife to bleed to death in an abandoned lot, he's got nothing to stop him from hurting Liv even worse…if he's even the one who's got her! How the fuck did we let this happen again?"

The team stood silently looking at one another, all at a loss for words until Amanda pierced the silence.

"Guys, we got a hit on the prints!" she announced as she stared at the computer screen. "Faith Marie O'Brien, 24. She's from Las Vegas, Nevada, been in the city since 2012 – at least that's when she traded her Nevada license for a New York State one…and surprise, surprise; she's got a record! Arrested twice last year for solicitation."

"The dead girl's a hooker?" Fin asked incredulously "What the hell is goin on here?"

"I don't know but we got a current address!" Murphy said "Amaro, Tutuloa, suit up! You two are following me to the apartment, with any luck we'll find the husband and god willing, Benson. Rollins, I want you tracking down family, friends; anybody who can point us in this guy's direction in case he's not there."

"Copy Lieutenant!"

"I'm going with you" Brian announced to Murphy

"Detective…"

"Don't bother trying to talk me out of it, just get me a vest. We don't have any more time to waste!"

"Fine! But stay the hell outta the way!" he ordered then turned to his officers "Let's go!"

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**See you guys soon with chapter 5! **


	5. No Fight Left

**Sorry for the wait, here's chapter five.**

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.

She had no idea how much time had passed but she'd fallen asleep there on the floor after her sobs had exhausted her. She still wasn't sure that she hadn't suffered a concussion, the pain in the back of her head still just as fresh as it has been when she'd first opened her eyes in this room before the sun had come up.

For a long moment she didn't move from the fetal position she'd curled herself into; she simply lay there quietly, barely breathing and absently listening to the sounds beneath her ear that was pressed against the floor while her eyes followed a small beetle across the room. She watched it intently as it crawled under the door and into the room, seemingly fascinated by it as it made its way across the floor. Her eyes stayed with it while it scurried beneath the bed, heading no place in particular, just going about its day.

"_All this time and you still never told me what happened to you"_

"_That's because you don't need those images in your head…"_

…such a stupid thing to fight about" she thought to herself. Thinking back, she wished that she had opened up about it, maybe it would have helped her deal. She wondered why she felt more comfortable talking to a virtual stranger about the horrors she'd suffered than she did the man she'd cared so deeply for; loved. Maybe it was because deep down she knew that they wouldn't last because nothing ever lasted. Sometimes love just wasn't enough… and she'd learned that lesson more times than she cared to remember. Slowly, she blinked her eyes and allowed them again to focus on the beetle under the bed.

* * *

.

"I'm telling you, I haven't seen Faith in over a year!" The man yelled, tired of trying to convince the detectives of this. When they turned up nothing at Faith's apartment, Amanda did some further digging and found the young woman's marriage license from 2012 and petition for divorce that was filed just 14 months later. They quickly tracked Marco Acocella to the posh Manhattan nightclub he owned - he had been in the middle of getting the place ready for tonight's crowd when they hauled him in for questioning.

"Until you beat her and killed her last night!" Nick yelled

"What? No! I…Faith's dead?" he asked, seemingly hurt and surprised by the revelation

"Because you had no idea…" Fin scoffed before he got in the Young man's face and lowered his voice to near a whisper. "You listen to me, you already looking guilty for your ex wife's murder, you don't want to be charged with killing a cop on top of that. Now I get it, couples go through things…maybe it got out of hand, Benson intervened and you lost it."

"I…I didn't…"

"Maybe you had help but I believe you're smart enough to not hurt her; maybe you just wanted to scare her. Come on man, you tell us where Sergeant Benson is and I will personally talk to the DA; get you a real good deal. I can make them understand why you felt driven to do what you did"

'I don't know what you're talking about!" Marco insisted, tears filling his eyes. "I cared about Faith, I would never do anything to hurt her, I would never do anything to hurt anyone; search my record, you won't find so much as a traffic ticket…I'M NOT A CRIMINAL!" he sobbed

"Only when you rape and beat her right?"

"I never laid a hand on her, and I don't know anything about a cop! Why aren't you people listening to me and going after the real killer? Faith and I only got married because my visa expired!"

"Greencard marriage…" Nick said

"Yes! She agreed to do it and I paid her twenty five thousand dollars. We lived together for a year until I got my citizenship and after we divorced, I let her keep the apartment and I continued to pay her rent. I swear to you, I never hurt her and I haven't seen her since we divorced!" he was scared to death and in tears at this point.

"Marco, you're done talking!" Trevor Langan said as he walked into the room

"Langan!" Fin seethed

"Hello detective"

"I was just telling them that I'm inno.."

"NOT. Another word!" Trevor made clear to his client before turning his attention back to Nick and Fin "Is my client being charged with a crime?" he asked. Fin and Nick looked at one another before Nick answered reluctantly.

"No"

"Then we're done here! Marco, let's go!" He said and turned to leave but then stopped and looked at Fin. "I'm sorry to hear about Sergeant Benson, especially in light of everything she's been through recently, but come near my client again without sufficient evidence and I will slap the department with a harassment suit, are we clear?"

"Crystal"

"Good! By the way, here's the security footage from the club last night that proves Mr. Acocella was there, as usual from 9pm to 3am!" he slammed the disk down on the table and without another word, left with his client.

"Now what?" Nick asked

"He's not our guy" Murphy said as he entered the interrogation room "That kid was about to piss himself!"

"Doesn't make him innocent " Fin quipped as Amanda appeared in the doorway

"Guys, TARU found somethin…"

* * *

.

She heard whispers in the room. _But that's impossible, no one came in so how can it be? _ She wondered as she opened her eyes again; still lying there on the cold wooden floor, still in that fetal position. She hadn't fallen asleep, just shut them to shutout the world.

"That's it sunshine, open up those big browns!" she heard a voice say…a woman's voice and she quickly looked up, infuriated at the name she had just been called.

"Do not EVER call me…" she stopped mid-sentence and froze, putting her head back down and choosing instead to close her eyes again and block out what she knew she could not actually be seeing. There were two of her – her own self, standing there looking down at her; Olivia from six years ago who wore that cute, short haircut she loved so much, standing there in that hideous orange Sealview jumpsuit. She was with Olivia from just last spring who was still in her burned and ripped black clothes, courtesy the maniac son of current maniac she'd fallen victim to.

_Great, now I'm hallucinating! _She thought to herself

"You're not hallucinating!" she heard one of the voices say and she shot up into a sitting position, her heart pounding.

"How can you hear my thoughts?!" she cried

"_Our _thoughts!" Last spring Olivia corrected.

"This is not happening!" current Olivia said as she cowered further into the corner.

"She thinks she's imagining us" Sealview Olivia said to last spring Olivia

"I got that" last spring Olivia noted before squatting down in front of current Olivia "You can't just lie here on the floor and wait for him to come back."

"There's no way out" current Olivia said hopelessly

"There's always a way out"

"Not this time" Current Olivia said

"Oh my God, are we giving up? We're giving up!" Sealview Olivia pointed out to last spring Olivia before turning to look down at current Olivia "You can't!"

"Unless you have a better idea"

"I do. We fight. As long as there is breath in our body, we fight!" Sealview Olivia

"I don't have any left"

"We're Benson, there's always something left" last spring Olivia said to her current self "Need we remind you how we've gotten ourselves out of certain predicaments in the past?"

"Please, just go away…I'm tired and I don't need to feel like I'm losing my mind right now, it's all I have left."

"Olivia…"

"I'm not listening" She said, tears streaming her cheeks as she shut her eyes and covered her ears, hanging her head between her knees. She stayed in that position for a moment before raising her head to see that her other selves were gone. More tears fell as she slowly lowered her hands from her ears and wrapped her arms around herself before dropping them completely to her sides and pulling herself up from the floor. Her legs were shaky from having been curled against her chest for so long and her steps were dawdling as she made her way back to the closet to retrieve the hanger.

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**See you guys next chapter. **


	6. Fight or Flight

**Here's chapter six. Wow, two new chapters in less than 24 hours! I think I might step away for a while after this but who knows? Anywho, enjoy…not the subject matter, but the story.**

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*****CHAPTER CONTAINS RAPE AND VIOLENCE*****

**.**

She sat there again in that corner, her fingers working diligently twisting the wire hanger into a weapon. She could tell from the suns position that it was late in the afternoon and she had no idea when he'd return so she had to work as fast as she could.

She'd straightened the curved head of it to use as a shiv and was now left with the task of fashioning the rest of it to become a handle, a job made harder by the fact that the wire was a lot less pliable than she thought it would be and her fingertips were now red and throbbing painfully but she continued to work it, determined that when the bastard returned, she'd give him a little surprise of her own!

* * *

.

"So she answers an ad on craigslist…" Murphy starts as everyone is gathered at the conference table

"Two days before she shows up here and talks to Liv" Amanda continued. "Whoever was on the other end of that ad, she arranged to meet them at Union Square Park to discuss."

"The ad said "make $5000 easy" do we know if she ever collected the money?" He asked

"We did find a purse in her apartment with twenty five hundred dollars in it, the lab is running the bills for prints" Nick said.

"We need this guy" Fin said "Langan was telling the truth, Marco was at his club all night, it was actually closer to 4 am when her left. Whoever Faith met up with could have had her set Liv up"

"…And then killed Faith to keep her quiet" Murphy finished

"But why? And who? Lewis was the only person with a vendetta and he's dead! None of this shit makes any sense and in the meantime, we got the NYPD running around like idiots chasing false leads from idiots looking for a payday!" Brian's frustration was starting to get the better of him.

"Excuse me" a small, feminine voice called out from the doors of the squad room causing the detectives to turn their attention to the petite blonde who had entered.

"How can I help you?" Murphy asked

"I'm Cammi Winston, Faith was a friend of mine" she said and suddenly an air hope was breathed into the squad.

* * *

.

After finishing with the hanger and being satisfied with the results, she put it under the pillow that hadn't managed to become stained with her blood, then began massaging her aching fingers trying to work out the stiffness as she paced the room, unable to help staring at the bloodstained comforter.

_I'm gonna fuck you seven ways to Sunday until I put one in you…_

Just thinking about it made her sick to her stomach. "You can't let that happen!" she told herself, she told herself as she angrily snatched the comforter from the bed, balling it in a heap and throwing it into the closet just as a horrible thought quickly set in. "What if it already did?" she closed her eyes and took a deep calming breath – it did nothing to help the panic that sent a chill through her.

_My mother made a choice, but if it were me, the morning after pill, no question!_

"Good luck with that now" she said, cursing the irony as she leant against the window and turned to look out although she couldn't actually see much through the thick glass bricks but the sun that filtered through was warm on her face and for the briefest moment she had hope that things could turn around but that moment was annihilated when she heard a door slam downstairs followed by the sounds of the dogs' barking and paws shuffling as they ran down the hall and down the stairs. Then after a moment another door slammed shut and she heard the dogs outside, guessing he had let them out a back door.

She was completely overcome with dread and began backing herself into a corner as she heard heavy footsteps ascending the staircase and her heart began pounding frantically against her ribcage while every nerve in her body went rogue and all the nerve she'd managed to build, all of the resolve quickly dissipated.

As the footsteps got closer, louder, she literally had to fight to still her body from the tremors that had overtaken it as she drew in shallow erratic breaths but it was of no use and she stood shaking uncontrollably as she wrung her hands nervously and her mind began spinning – she had nowhere to run. The door had been taken off the bathroom, leaving her no choice but to face whatever would happen once the bedroom door opened.

The locks began to turn and a painful knot formed in the pit of her stomach, twisting as her eyes filled with tears that she would not let him see and with trembling hands she quickly wiped them away just as the heavy door creaked open and she was suddenly staring into the face of her tormentor.

"Daddy's home!" he announced with a smile. A sob tore from her throat; absolute terror gripped her so hard that she didn't feel her bladder release or the warmth that ran down her shaking legs and collected in a puddle at her feet because in that moment she was conscious of only one thing – fear!

* * *

,

"I can' believe she's dead!" Cammi cried softly as Nick handed her a tissue and Murphy took a seat in front of her in the interview room "Thank you" she said and dramatically dabbed at the tears in her eyes.

"Can I get you anything?" Nick offered

"No, no, you're very kind but…I'm okay" Nick looked over at Murphy while pulling up a chair and planting himself in it. "Cute too" she sniffled and smiled

"Thanks. Now, when was the last time you saw Faith?" Nick asked

"Um, three days ago…I had to go out of town for work, but I've talked to her every day"

"And when did you speak last?" Murphy asked.

"It was right before I went on stage…around eleven last night?"

"And did she mention going anywhere?"

"Just that she had to go and get the other half of her money"

"What money?" Nick asked

'Um…some guy she met on craigslist a couple days ago; she said he was gonna pay her five grand to help him out"

"Did she say with what?"

"Yeah, Faith and I didn't have secrets…" she said before recounting to Nick and Murphy everything she knew about the man who paid Faith to lure Olivia into his trap.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Harlan had walked across the room while Olivia's eyes stayed on him from her corner and he took a seat on the bed, the mattress dipping beneath his weight.

"You just gon stand there shakin in your own piss?" as if his words were a revelation, Olivia looked down and was further humiliated to see that he was right as she fought to contain her tears.

"Get over here" he ordered she whimpered and shook her head no as she stepped away from the puddle but stayed close to the wall as if it offered some magical protection. "That wasn't an option darlin, now get your ass over here!" he demanded.

Before she could even think about it she made a dash for the door but her hand had barely touched the knob before he'd snaked his arm around her waist and lifted her off her feet with zero effort.

"Goin somewhere?" he asked as he threw her down onto the bed; she quickly scrambled to her feet and again tried to run but a hard backhanded slap sent her flying back onto the mattress and this time he pinned her there with his body on top of hers, his mouth licking and nipping at her skin while his hands roamed beneath her gown.

"No please don't…PLEASE!" she begged hysterically as she struggled beneath him, nauseated at the feel of his hands on her flesh. He paused long enough to grab her arms and pin them above her head, holding her wrists with one large hand while the other went back to groping her.

"Softest skin I ever touched!" he mused

""STOP…GET OFF ME! she screamed then cried out when he pushed three thick fingers inside her and began twisting them painfully.

"On second thought, I think I need tie you down for this, It's gonna real intense!" he grinned before he withdrew his fingers from her and pushed them into his mouth, sucking greedily while she continued to buck beneath him in an attempt to throw him off. He sat up, straddling her body and pulled one of her arms, trying to secure her wrist in the restraint. Her mind cleared and she suddenly remembered the shiv she'd made from the hanger and with her free hand she reached under the pillow frantically seeking it. After what felt like an eternity, her fingertips touched the cool metal and she pulled it fully into her palm, gripping it and didn't spare a second before she plunged it into his ear, forcing him to let go of her arm and begin howling in agony as blood poured out of his ear canal.

"You stupid bitch!" he yelled, pulling the wire from his ear. She froze for a fraction of a second before balling her fist and hitting him as hard as she could across the face, then again before she drew her legs from beneath him and kicked him hard in the chest with both feet, as she screamed, sending him flying backwards.

Without another thought she ran from the bed and out of the room with no clue where she was going as she sprinted down the long, dark hallway fueled by fear. She finally came to the rickety stairs and descended them so fast, she stumbled twice and almost went tumbling, her heart pounding so hard, her chest ached and she was sobbing by the time she reached the landing and kept running for the front door, frantically twisting at each of the five locks.

When she'd twisted the last one she pulled at the doorknob but it wouldn't and let out a cry of frustration , pulling at her hair then twisted the locks in the other direction while looking over her shoulder. She could hear his footsteps upstairs, he was coming; she had to get out!

"God please!" she cried in a whisper. She had no idea that only every other lock had actually been locked and that she was repeatedly locking herself in and her sobs only grew louder as his footsteps drew closer.

"HELP MEEEEE!" she began screaming over and over as she banged her fists against the door, praying that someone would hear and the dogs began barking from outside

"Game over Olivia!" she heard from a voice she knew too well and turned around to see William Lewis standing in from of her

"this isn't real, you're dead!" she sobbed, frozen in place and not believing her eyes

"Am I sweetheart? Maybe to the rest of the world…but I'll always be with you!" he said calmly with his wicked smile as he approached her and she backed away as he reached to touch her, unaware that she was backing up to the staircase, being so distracted with this apparition that she no longer noticed his father's footsteps and she backed right into him. his chest was like a brick wall when her back hit it and she slowly turned around and opened her mouth to scream when she saw him standing there but it was too late, his hands were already around her throat squeezing.

"That was the goddamn dumbest thing you coulda done whore!" he said with fury in his eyes as he lifted her, by the neck into the air. She scratched and clawed at his arms but it was no use and before she knew it, he had literally thrown her across the room and she hit her temple on the side of a table, pain exploding in her head as she tried to get up but she fell to the floor before she was even halfway up. she touched her fingers to her temple and drew them back to see them covered with the blood that was now running down the side of her face and just as everything began to go black, she saw Harlan reaching for her.

"Rule three: Don't ever make Daddy angry!" he said just before she passed out. He didn't bat an eyelash, just picked her up and carried her limp body back upstairs to the bedroom that was her prison, throwing her onto the bed when he got there.

"When this is all over, I'm gonna enjoy watching you take your last breath you stupid cunt!' he seethed as he undid his pants and took his penis in his hand, stroking it to a hard on while squeezing her breast beneath her gown; admiring his son's work -the many scars that remained from her ordeal with him.

"Damn shame, cuz you are a beauty!" he said to her unconscious self. "Now let's see what we can do about bringing my boy back!"

And suddenly, the house was filled with the sounds of the bed squeaking as Harlan took her with punishing thrusts, slamming into her body with brute force again and again and he had no intention of letting up anytime soon; further aroused by thoughts of what he'd do to her once she was awake.

"You'll be sorry darlin!"

* * *

.

**I'm innocent!**


	7. Dead End

**Not much I can say here; this is chapter seven and well, let's just get to it. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters, I own mine. Enjoy!**

* * *

*****Chapter contains rape and violence*****

"Cammi please, think. Is there anything, any tiny detail that you can tell us, maybe something you forgot or didn't think was important" Murphy implored

"No, I gave you guys everything I remember and we've been going over these same details for over an hour! I wish I could help more but I really need to go. I have a show tonight and I need to prepare" she informed them as she got up and began gathering her things

"Cammi, wait; sweetie, listen alright?" Nick said, looking at her with sad eyes "Look I know you have things you have to do, but honey you're our only lead right now and we have to find this man before it's too late. Please anything you can remember." He begged

"I wish I could, I just…"

"Anything…please! Did she maybe tell someone else about him? Another friend…a boyfriend?"

"She didn't have a boyfriend. What boyfriend would allow their girl to get the hell beaten out of her by a stranger for money?" Nick and Murphy looked at each other feeling more hopeless with each passing second.

"OMG, that's it, the boyfriend!" she exclaimed

"Whose boyfriend? Murphy asked

"That Benson…the cop, she…the guy who paid Faith, he's her boyfriend!"

"What?!' Nick asked, not believing his own ears

"Well ex-boyfriend; Faith said he told her that they'd broken up recently and that she'd been avoiding him and he wanted her help to get her to talk to him. That's all I have. I'm sorry."

"You did good Cammi."

"That son of a bitch!" Nick cried as he flung open the door to the interview room and made his way out into the squad room "Where the hell is he?" he yelled

"Who?" Amanda asked

"Cassidy. Where is he?"

"Amaro, what's goin on?" Fin asked as he approached Nick

"He did this, Fin, he took her!"

"Holy shit! The girl give us a lead?" Brian asked, reentering the squad room after a bathroom break.

"You son of a bitch!" Nick yelled as he lunged at Brian and pinned him to the wall

"Hey man, what the hell?!"

"Where is she?!" Nick demanded, livid beyond the point of rationality

"Where's…LIV? You think I took Liv?"

"Amaro!" Fin called, his tone a warning but Nick was too far gone to hear it or care

"It all makes sense, all of the calls TARU found to her cell from you…you been stalking her for the past week _"I'm sorry…I took advantage…I guess that's why you won't talk to me" _WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HER?"

"NOTHING!" Brian yelled as he pushed Nick away from him

"Oh yeah, tell them what you just told us" Nick said to Cammi who had just reentered the squad room with Murphy on her way out. Cammi looked nervously at Murphy as if she was unsure if she should until he gave her a slight nod letting her know it was okay.

"The guy Faith met up with from craigslist, he said he was her boyfriend that they'd broken up and she had been avoiding him…he was using Faith to get to her…can I go now?"

"Yeah, and thank you. we'll be in touch." Murphy said. Cammi nodded.

"I hope it helped and you find her safe…I wish Faith… Goodnight officers."

"You are out of your goddamn mind Amaro!" Brian yelled

"You're the only ex-boyfriend I see" Nick sneered "So where'd you stash her huh?"

"Tell me something genius, when exactly would I have had the time to do this, huh?" Brian asked "My lunch break?"

"Alright, I get it!"

"Cuz I totally have time to post ads online, meet with and stab a hooker and kidnap Liv all while Tucker's been glued to my ass for the past two weeks? You're a moron Amaro!"

"Under the circumstances you can see why it was so easy to jump to the wrong conclusion" Nick said apologetically

"Maybe, but you guys know that I would never hurt Liv, I love her"

"We know man" Fin assured him. "Everybody is on edge and nobody is thinking clearly."

"Whoever is behind this planned it carefully to throw us off track at every turn." Murphy said

"And it's working" Amanda added "No prints on the knife, the money wasn't fresh so there are too many prints on it to single anyone out; he posted the craigslist ad from an internet café…this guy knows what he's doin and something tells me that this ain't his first time at the rodeo!"

"And with us out of leads, this is gonna end up goin cold real fast!" Murphy sighed "Where the hell are you Benson?"

"And with who?" Fin asked

* * *

.

She regained consciousness to see that night had set in again and the room was once again bathed in candlelight. It took her a moment to focus with the pain in her head that was causing her vision to blur terribly. She was horrified to see Harlan sitting beside her on the bed, his hand between her legs and she immediately began trying to fight him but quickly realized that she was restrained to the bed and she fought every urge to scream.

"There she is…such a wildcat!" he grinned as he continued to rub her; she squeezed her eyes shut trying to mentally escape the hell she was in but with his hands on her and touching her so intimately and every inch of her body screaming in pain it was hard to dissociate. She knew by how terribly she ached that he'd been inside her again. And with how badly her head hurt coupled with nausea; there was no doubt in her mind this time that she'd suffered a concussion.

She squirmed, trying to get away from his hand but it was no use. These were hospital grade restraints and he'd secured them too tight. She fought the tears that welled in her eyes; she could feel her body responding to his touch. His thumb was gentle on her clitoris; as gentle as his fingertips were on her nipples, it was almost as if he were trying…

"Don't!" she begged when his mouth dipped to her breast "please" but he ignored her pleas as his lips wrapped around her already hardened nipple and began to lick and suck as his fingers increased the motion and pressure between her legs.

"Go on and want it baby, you know it feels good!" he grinned, moments later before pulling her other nipple into his mouth. She tried her hardest to will her body to fight the sensations that were overtaking her.

"God please!" she cried through hitched breath

"That's it, come for Daddy" he cooed. She bit her lips as she pulled against her restraints, whimpering as she felt her climax coming and she wanted to die when it hit, digging her nails into her palms and breaking into sobs as it tore though her body. She'd never felt so much shame in her life.

"Did you like that?"he asked softly while stroking her hair away from her face but she couldn't stop her sobs. In her mind, her body had just committed the ultimate betrayal and right now it didn't matter that she was a sergeant of a sex crimes unit, It didn't matter that she knew and had explained to countless victims that orgasm is a purely physical response; all that mattered right now was that she felt filthy and absolutely disgusted with herself.

"…thought I'd let you have a little pleasure before I inflict the pain" he said as he picked up something from the floor before standing up and quickly went about the task of setting up a tripod and camera that he pointed directly at the bed as she watched in horror. He then got behind it to make sure that the focus was perfect then switched on the light and began recording before he made his way back to the bed and sat down.

"See, you and me, we gon' have us a little fun makin a movie!"

"No…"

_WHACK!_

The back of his hand struck her face hard, causing her head to whip to the side

"You don't say no!" he warned her before reaching for her gown and ripping it away from her body as her cries became even more hysterical and she struggled harder against her restraints. She knew what this meant.

"Please, anything but that, I can't…please no more!" she sobbed

"Now now, don't go gettin ahead of yerself. See before I fuck you, I need to learn you a lesson about obedience." he pulled the makeshift shiv from his back pocket that she'd made from the wire hanger and had stabbed him with. "I'm gonna give you a lil taste of your own medicine since you went against my wishes and tried to hurt me in the process. I'm gonna show you how pain is done! See from now on, every time you try to run, I'm gonna reopen one of those beautiful scars my boy gave you!" he said as he grabbed her arm.

"No don't, I…"

"Shhhh…won't hurt but a lot darlin!" he grinned sadistically and dug the point of the shiv into her forearm.

"Please…please I'm sorry I won't run again PLEASE!" she begged desperately as she felt it piercing her flesh but Harlan paid no attention and continued to drag it along the length of the four inch scar, slowly, deliberately tearing her flesh open while she screamed hysterically, unable to even breathe from the severity of the pain

By the time he finally finished, her body was practically going into shock and couldn't stop trembling. He stood smiling at the sight of her blood dripping from her reopened wound; marveling at his handiwork.

"Next time, I hit bone!" he promised in the most menacing tone he could muster. "You understand me gal?" but she said nothing, only looked through him."Fine, why don't I open up another one and see if that'll get ya talkin"

"No please…I understand" she sobbed "I won't…I, I w-won't…"

"Good! Now I'm ready to fuck!" her heart dropped and she turned her head away, again squeezing her eyes shut as he listened to the sound of his belt buckle coming undone, then his zipper sliding down and finally, denim rustling as he pushed his pants down his legs.

"noooo please" she cried in a whisper, knowing that it was futile and tried to brace herself as he climbed on top of her.

She endured him until he grew tired, coming inside her a final time before getting up and redressing himself then standing over her and smiling down.

"You must be exhausted darlin. Tell you what" he said then planted a kiss to her shoulder "I'm gonna untie you and let you get some sleep but first, we need to clean that cut, wouldn't want it infected…" He picked up his half-drunken bottle of Jack from the floor and raised it over her arm as she looked at him with frightened, pleading eyes, fully aware of what he was about to do but knowing that there was nothing she could do to stop it and when the alcohol hit the open wound the pain was so great, so terrible that it could only be rivaled by the scream that tore from her throat just before her mind gave up trying to endure it and finally allowed her the escape she craved, blacking out into a deep, dreamless sleep.

... ... .. ... ... .. ... ... ...

**Three weeks later…**

She'd woken up in the middle of the night feeling terribly sick and found herself with her head in the toilet heaving violently as her stomach contents gushed forth. She'd thrown up three times before she dragged herself back to bed, feeling somewhat better but at the crack of dawn she felt even worse and the vomiting was more severe and her mind began racing, this wasn't like when she thought she might have been a couple months ago based on nothing more than a late period; this time, along with the late period, her breasts were sore, she was tired all the time and now the vomiting. She didn't need a test to confirm what she already knew but was in denial about…

"you're not!" she insisted, curled up on the bathroom floor. Her body went rigid when she heard the bedroom door creak open and his footsteps carry him inside but she quickly pulled herself to her feet and shuffled into the bedroom. He'd become angry if she made him wait and she didn't want what would come with his anger as the nasty still-healing scar on her arm reminded her.

"Breakfast" he said and tossed the bag onto the bed. Just the smell of the greasy meal sent her stomach churning

"I'm not hungry" she said, barely audibly.

"What's that?"

"please, I…I don't feel well" she said in that same quiet voice.

"Tough shit, now eat!"

She'd taken a tiny bite from the breakfast sandwich and gagged, dropping it onto the bed and sprinting for the bathroom where she threw up again.

"Well I'll be damned, I think I accomplished my mission!" he grinned from where he stood at the bathroom door and as bad as it had been these last three weeks, Olivia knew that this was only the beginning of her nightmare.

* * *

.

**There it is...sorry! **


	8. Positive

**Thanks to those of you who are still with me, I know this is a rough ride but light is coming; I have no earthly clue when, but I have plans. So I think I'm gonna end this story at chapter ten, and you all are more than welcome to give feedback on that issue but that's what I'm feeling right now. Not much else to say. Enjoy!**

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*****CHAPTER CONTAINS RAPE AND VIOLENCE*****

"Our last lead died three weeks ago, if we don't get a trail soon…" Murphy began but was quickly cut off.

"Don't say it!" Fin grumbled "1PP will not give up on this…not yet. It would be a bad look for the whole department" what he really meant was that it would kill him if they let this go so easily. His oldest friend is the world, aside from Munch was out there and they couldn't give up until they found her. He wouldn't.

"We'll then, let's thank the gods for the department being the publicity whores that they are because right now fear of backlash is the only thing keeping this investigation going."

"Come on, I mean after everything Liv has been to the NYPD…" Nick interjected

"And at the end of the day, the bottom line is this: the department is pouring a shitload of money and manpower into an investigation without a single lead; no clue where to look or who to look at, we don't even know if she's still in our jurisdiction…or even alive"

"That woman survived the devil himself, twice." Amanda reminded him "She's alive, and I'd bet my last breath on it!"

* * *

.

"Don't move!" Harlan ordered as he turned and walked away from the bathroom, disappearing from the bedroom altogether. She'd fully expected to be beaten for throwing up her breakfast but instead he calmly walked away; those where the moments that messed with her head the most, having learned over these last three weeks that whenever he'd take a calm approach to anything, it meant that something terrible would be in store for her when he'd return which was why she was shocked when he came back moments later and held out a pregnancy test to her, demanding that she take it right that second and further humiliating her by standing there, watching as she peed on the stick, then snatching the test away the moment she was done. Waiting and then grinning proudly when it showed a positive result.

"Hmm, would ya look at that!" he exclaimed as he held it up for her to see "Mission accomplished!" she didn't allow a response because she just knew in my heart that fate wouldn't so cruel…even in spite of knowing that yes, it was EXACTLY that cruel but there was no way she was carrying this monsters child inside her; her mind refused to accept or acknowledge it

"_This is the last thing you're gonna think about…the last thing you're gonna see…"_

She just stared blankly, wishing for the hundredth time that she had been the one to die in that granary, that instead of taking himself out, Lewis had pointed that gun at her head and given her the bullet that was rightfully hers!

She was snapped back to the present by the pain of Harlan yanking a fist full of her hair as he pushed her to her knees on the bathroom floor.

"I think my baby maker deserves some proper affection don't you?"

And there it was, the panic setting in all over again as she watched him free himself from his pants.

"No" she refused quietly but with absolute resolve, feeling some of her fight returning all of a sudden. He slapped her so hard that she literally saw stars as she fell over and hit the floor.

"What's that now?" he asked as she pulled herself to her feet

"I said n…" he hit her harder this time, knocking her into a wall.

"You don't wanna play this game darlin!" he said smugly as he approached her. She staggered to her feet again and wiped the blood from her mouth with the back of her hand as dizziness set in causing her to lose her balance and stumble to the floor.

"You can beat me until you kill me but I swear to you if you put that thing near my mouth, I will castrate you with my teeth you sick fuck!"

He looked down at her, his grin saying that he was amused by her valiant display but the look he saw in her eyes send the smallest sliver of fear through him – her eyes were cold, the eyes of someone who had nothing to lose and he knew that she meant business!

Of course he wouldn't let her see his intimidation and the fact that he felt it at all built an apoplectic rage inside him unlike any he'd ever experienced and he completely lost it.

"YOU PIECE OF SHIT!" he yelled as he kicked her hard in the stomach, too far gone to remember the baby he'd been so thrilled about just moments ago. "JUST WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?" He continued his verbal tirade as he delivered several more stomps and kicks to her body before snatching her up by her neck and slamming her back against the wall, pinning her there.

"Not so bold now are ya slut?"he laughed "But then, you ain't so bold when I'm fuckin you either; crying like a goddamn baby _"no..stop…please…you're hurting me!" _ You whores are all the same but I ain't fooled cuz see I know that you love it!"

He was so busy berating her that he didn't notice that she'd pulled her knees up between them until she delivered a crushing blow to his chest with both feet, knocking the wind out of him. He loosened his grip on her neck and she took full advantage, raising her leg to kick him again, this time in the gut and when he doubled over, she grabbed his hair with both hands and slammed her knee into his face with such force that it sent his body limp as she released his hair and dropped him to the floor then quickly turned and ran of the bathroom and straight for the door. She knew that the dogs were out back, all she had to do was lock him inside and she'd be fr…

"No…" her hopes quickly dashed and dread returned when she got to the bedroom door and realized that he had locked it from the inside, desperate, she threw her body against it, only to end up hurting her shoulder. The door was solid and wouldn't budge but still she tried frantically to break it down but soon stopped cold, her heart sinking to her stomach when she heard his footsteps staggering across the room. She turned around, her back to the door an she clamped her hand over her mouth to suppress the sickness that threatened to escape as she felt her stomach churning.

"Goin somewhere darlin?" he asked as he came closer. When he was within arm's length she decided to make a run for it but he quickly grabbed her around the waist and carried her, kicking and screaming across the room where he threw her onto the bed. She quickly got up but a slap across her face sent her flying back down onto it and he again grabbed her by the neck to keep her there.

"So we got an attack, another escape attempt AND you refusing to service me on what should have been a joyous day but you went and ruined it!" She responded by spitting in his face to which he laughed before dragging his sleeve across his face to clean it away then put his hand to her stomach all as she continued to struggle beneath him

"Okay boy listen up cuz Daddy's gon' give you your first lesson in handlin a bitch.

"I AM NOT HAVING YOUR BABY YOU PSYCHO!" she screamed, clawing at his hand around her throat

first, you gotta fuck the fight out of em, then you beat em till their will is gone. Now with a useless whore like yer mother here, bloodshed is gon' be necessary but we'll get to that after. Right now it's time to get the fight out of her…and she is a wild one!" he grinned before flipping her over, finding it a struggle with her still fighting him "I think I'm in the mood to try somethin new this mornin!"

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Later that morning after Harlan had left to go about his day, Olivia repeated her ritual of scrubbing him off her then having a long cry in the shower and she now lay on the bedroom floor, a blood-soaked, makeshift bandage wrapped around her upper arm . After brutally sodomizing her, he used his belt buckle to tear open the scar that Lewis had given her from a steak knife from her kitchen that first night.

None of this made sense to her. It had been three weeks, why hadn't anyone come for her? she knew beyond a doubt that they had to be searching; the very minute that Nick got no answer the next morning, she knew that that he'd absolutely get the NYPD involved and they had to have found the SUV. They'd track it as soon as they saw that it hadn't been signed in. Her team, Major case, the police were on this, so why had no one found her yet?

"Twenty one days…" she whispered to herself as her tears dropped. "Almost a month" she couldn't wrap her head around it; three weeks with a maniac – there was no other word to describe him, three weeks of being beaten and raped…she didn't even know how many times, she'd stopped counting after 17…that was two weeks ago…and those were just the assaults he'd committed with his body; she hadn't kept track of the objects.

For the entire week that followed her first attempt to escape he punished her with horrible things; acts so depraved she couldn't…and he'd recorded it. the rapes, the beatings, the punishments… he'd been recording pretty much everything all this time and there didn't seem to be an end in sight. He hadn't bothered to move her since they'd been here and didn't seem worried about being found which led her to wonder if perhaps they'd left New York City that night and he'd taken her to another state, it was the only thing that made sense as to why they hadn't located her.

_I'm so tired… _she thought to herself.

'Pregnancy tends to have that effect" she heard a voice say from across the room and lifted her head just enough to see…

"Oh Christ, I meant emotionally!" she declared, rolling her eyes and outing her head back down on the floor. "Go away! I'm in too much pain to deal with the crazy"

"Preaching to the choir, sister! So a baby huh?" Last spring Olivia asked as she lay restrained to the bed

"I am not pregnant!" Current Olivia snapped at her most recent past self from where she lay curled in the corner.

"The test says we are"

"The test is wrong and would you stop with this "we" nonsense? You're just a figment of my imagination!"

"Well if that's the case, could you have _your_ imagination ease up on our symptoms? The nausea's a bitch but our nipples feel like Billy blowtorched them!"

"Stop talking to me!" current Olivia demanded as she slowly stood up, wincing with every movement and began pacing the room

"We still in denial?" Sealview Olivia asked from behind current Olivia, startling her.

"DO NOT SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE THAT!"

"Sorry... But you know, the pregnancy boobs _are_ a real pain. How about asking el padre loco to supply some ice the next time he shows up to rape us? It's the least he could do!"

"I'm losing my mind…"

"_Our_ mind and we are not ready to surrender it yet!" Spring Olivia said. "You're giving up again and we can't let you do that"

"There's no point in fighting" currently Olivia said dully

"Oh Jesus!" Last spring Olivia exclaimed from where she lay tied to the bed, rolling her eyes.

"Tell me about it!" Sealview Olivia agreed as she took a seat on the bed "If mother heard us thinking this way she'd club us over the head with a vodka bottle"

"Yeah? I bet it'd be a lot less painful that having my arm ripped open WITH A FUCKING belt buckle!"

"Oh come on Liv!" Last spring Olivia cried as she sat up in bed, suddenly free from her restraints "we've endured way worse than that, or are you forgetting how junior cooked and carved us up like goddamn turkey for the better part of four days?"

"Turkey…mmm, now the baby's hungry!" Sealview Olivia said as she rubbed he stomach through her orange prison uniform.

"I am not…"

"Pregnant" the two past Olivia's said in unison.

"You know, we can't stay in denial about it forever" Sealview Olivia said softly

"I'm not in denial…"Current Olivia turned away so that her other selves wouldn't see her tear.

"It's okay" Last spring Olivia assured her as she put a hand on current Olivia's shoulder "We feel it too."

"Why are you both here again? I told you before to leave me alone."

"We can't do that. We need to keep reminding you"

"Reminding me of what?"

"Our strength. Our tenacity…" said Sealview "We have to hold on!"

"For what? I'm never getting out of here…I don't even know where _here _is!"

"Inconsequential!" Last spring said dismissively "What's important is that we get out of this house, away from daddy dearest"

"How?"

"We'll figure it out but if we're too in denial to even deal with what's happening…" Sealview said. "Once we get out of here, we'll take as long a break from reality as you want. I'm talking complete nervous breakdown and we'll support it but while we're in this situation we CANNOT let him break us."

Olivia sank her head into her hands and sighed deeply before looking to respond but just fast, both Olivias had disappeared and she was again alone in the room. She put her hands to her stomach when she felt the nausea raging and she slowly limped her way across the room, each step sending tremendous pain shooting through her lower extremities. She needed to lie down. The dizziness was back and in addition to the nausea, her stomach hurt. She crawled into bed and pulled the covers up around herself. Her eyes were heavy with exhaustion and still full of tears that couldn't seem to stop. her eyes blinked, sending a deluge of them falling onto the pillow and as she closed them, giving in to merciful sleep she allowed a small but earnest prayer to tumble from her lips.

_God please… let him kill me._

* * *

_._

**I tried to keep it light, but the story…she don't listen! **


	9. Thread

**I really wanted to wrap this up in ten because it's such a difficult story to write but I'm kidding myself because there is no way that I possibly can, there is so much more to tell. So here is that light chapter that I thought chapter eight would be but thankfully this time it actually happened. Thank you all for the reviews. I don't feel like such a freak for writing this story knowing that people actually enjoy reading it so thanks again. Dick wolf owns his, I own mine. Enjoy.**

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**.**

As she slept he sat dutifully by her bedside waiting, praying for her to open her eyes. The doctor said that there was no medical reason why she'd been unconscious for two days but that sometimes after experiencing events as traumatic as what she'd been through, the mind would have its way of protecting us from things that we weren't ready to deal with and for Olivia, it had all been too much which was why the moment the police broke down those doors to rescue her, the very moment she'd stepped outside of that house for the first time in a month; she fainted.

Now two days after she'd been found, two days of rejoicing, shock and tears from the people who loved her, who had spent the last month doing everything they could to find her she opened her eyes to see him sitting beside her bed, his face full of worry but the moment he'd noticed that her eyes had opened, his immediately filled with light.

"Hey"

"Hey" her eyes quickly filled with tears, she still couldn't believe that her nightmare was finally over.

"I'm gonna get the doc…"

"No!" she strongly objected as tears streamed her face "I can't…I can't be alone I just…are you really here?" she asked fearfully, afraid to believe it.

"I'm here babe" he smiled through his own tears "everybody's here… oh god, can I touch you?" he wept.

"Please!" she begged, still not believing that this was real but craving to feel a gentle, familiar touch and when he pulled her into his arms, close against his body…when she touched his skin, felt his warmth and took in his scent, she knew that he was real and she came completely undone crying in choking sobs as she clung to him desperately.

"I'm here." he cried

"Don't let me go! Please, don't let me go…don't let me go!" it fell from her lips again and again almost like a prayer as she squeezed him tighter.

"Never again; do you hear me? You are exactly where you belong and I will never let you go again!" he swore.

"Brian…" she cried.

"Shhhhh…I got you" he soothed as he planted kisses to her head. she could feel his strong hands on her back and she finally let out the breath she had been holding, relieved until his hands left her back and began to roam her body, caressing her hips

"What are you doing?" she was beginning to panic as his hands left her hips and roughly grabbed her ass with both hands, squeezing hard

"Don't act like you don't want it bitch!" he said sweetly as he forced her tighter against him but the voice was all wrong

"Please don't!"

"Whore sure loves to beg!" he laughed as she pushed him away to see that Brian was gone and Harlan was now in his place "Don't worry baby, I'm gonna give it to you so good!" he grinned. She opened her mouth to scream for help but he quickly camped his hand over her mouth and forced her back, reaching for her hospital gown when suddenly she woke up, bolting upright and screaming in the dark as she thrashed so wildly in her sheets, she became entangled in them.

"Liv…Liv it's okay, I got you!" Brian called to her as he turned on the light and Nick and Fin ran into her hospital room. Her screams had nearly frightened them all into a heart attack.

"She okay?" Fin asked upon seeing Olivia's terrified state

"He-he was here!" she sobbed, nearly hyperventilating as she threw herself into Brian's arms "He was…"

"it's okay, he can't hurt you" Brian promised

"He was you and he was here; he…"

"Liv you're safe, just breathe…" Nick instructed "he can't get to you, you're safe now" but his assurance didn't register; none of their words did as she broke down, unable to stop the trembling that overtook her body.

"Amaro, get the doctor" Fin ordered but Olivia was having none of it

"No! Please, they'll just give me more sedatives… every time I close my eyes…no sedatives…please!"

"It's okay. No sedatives" Brian promised as he nodded to Nick, signaling that he should find the doctor anyway just as Fins phone rang.

"I need to take this. Baby girl I'm right outside"

"Thank you Fin" she said through her tears, still holding on to Brian.

"I know you don't want to sleep, but what it if you just lie down?"

"No. if I lie down I'll go to sleep…I don't wanna sleep!"

"Liv please"

"I said no!" she yelled.

"And this is the exact reason why you don't give a cunt options!" Harlan yelled. Olivia's blood ran cold.

"This isn't real!"

"Oh I'm real darlin! Don't wanna sleep? Let's fuck!" he grinned before he smothered her mouth with his as she fought against him.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

In the bedroom that had been her prison she opened her eyes from the terrible dream but she didn't scream. She had had these dreams far too many times for far too long to let them cause such a reaction and instead, she pulled herself up and sank her face into her palms as she wept silently for a long moment before running her hands through her hair. Greeted by the warmth of the sunshine that filled the room, she looked toward it then closed her eyes again. At one time the sun was the only thing that made her days bearable because if gave her hope though that hope never lasted long once the reality of her situation would slap her in the face - a reality that hard grown harsher since she'd taken that pregnancy test a little over a month ago and now, it didn't make a difference one way or the other.

_maybe after I get that bun in your oven…_

She shook her head as new tears began to flow and thoughts of the room downstairs took hold. She remembered that night he'd dragged her down there. It was her punishment for trying to run away again the day before, despite her pleading with him that she felt sick but when it became clear just what he had in store for her that night…

_Don't think about it. _She told herself and wiped her tears, her sudden nausea sending her running for the bathroom.

* * *

.

Back at the sixteenth, Nick and Fin entered the squad room ready to start the day and were both surprised to see Amanda sitting at her desk in yesterday's clothes, guzzling coffee while pouring over case files her eyes red and bulging.

"You been here all night?" Fin asked

"I was on my way out the door but then I got an idea and started diggin… ran into a dead end but then something else came to mind and before I knew it, was mornin.

"What were you lookin for?" Fin asked

"And are those Lewis' case files?" Nick added as he took a seat

"yeah I just…I got to thinkin, that maybe it was somehow tied to him so I started lookin for family"

"What'd you find?"

"Well, nothin. His momma, Johnnie-Lee Lewis disappeared in 1983, never heard from again. His father, Harlan Lewis died – burned to death in a car accident back in '93, no brothers or sisters or other family. But then I got to thinkin, what if someone else had a motive, someone not related? Do y'all remember the redheaded juror from his trial, uh…Bronwyn"

"Yeah…what about her?" Fin was curious

"She fell under Lewis' spell, helped him escape from prison – not the first time that it's happened. I mean Ted Bundy, Robert Morton, hell, even Charles Manson; they all had women who fel in love with them from outside and vowed their love and devotion to them"

"So?" Nicked shrugged

"So…" Amanda said as she got up from her desk and walked over to the evidence board to show them what she'd been thinking. "What if Lewis has more of those same devoted followers? What if one – or more of them were so angry at his death that they wanted someone to pay? Who better than Olivia? I mean she nearly killed him the first time, had him sent to prison then he breaks out, comes after her again but this time he ends up dead and she's hailed a hero."

"And you think we're dealin with a lunatic with an axe to grind?" Fin asked "Hmm"

"It's not that far out there. How else can we explain her disappearance just a week after he dies? I'm tellin y'all, this is somehow related to him, I feel it in my gut!"

"Alright so let's say you're on to something and Lewis' psycho fans are involved, where the hell have they taken her and if they haven't killed her, why are they hiding her and what's the endgame here?" Nick wondered.

* * *

She gripped the toilet bowl so hard as she vomited, her knuckles were white and she felt as if her insides were being forced out with each heave.

_Why can't I get rid of this bug?_ she wondered before throwing up again; she'd actually broken into a sweat from the effort. When she felt like she was done she lowered the lid and flushed, needing to catch her breath before she got up to rinse her mouth.

"It's not a bug, it's a baby" Sealview Olivia yelled from the bedroom

_I thought I made that part clear…there is no baby! _Current Olivia thought to herself

"What is gonna take to make you accept this? Your water breaking?" Olivia didn't give and answer, she just went about cleaning her mouth

"Liv?" Sealview called. Still no answer, Olivia went to the shower and turned on the water

"Are we ignoring us?" Beach house asked Sealview

Olivia did just that as she stepped under the water.

"You're scaring us!"

"GO AWAY!" Olivia screamed, tears falling as she sank down into the tub

"Liv?" Sealview called, scared to death for her future self but Olivia gave no answer, just sat with her knees against her chest sobbing pitifully as the water beat against her skin. The two Olivia's looked at one another then down at their current self who was falling apart. She was hanging by a very thin emotional thread and by the looks of it, it wouldn't be long before that thread gave and snapped.

* * *

.

**See you all soon with chapter ten.**


	10. Breaking Points

**Chapter ten already, wow! Can I just take a minute to say how amazing my readers are? I seriously mean that with all my heart, thanks for reading and encouraging the insanity that comes from my unstable little head. I only hope that I can continue to make this horrifically enjoyable for you guys. Dick's stuff is his, mine is mine. Enjoy!**

* * *

*****Chapter contains rape*****

**.**

1:09AM she'd woken up to the pain of his knee in her back, pressing her body into the mattress while he secured the restraints to her arms. And now, a half hour later she couldn't move beneath his weight, could barely breathe or make a sound, save the pitiful cries that tore from her lips with each painful thrust he'd inflict upon her, him being abnormally large coupled with the violence and brutality of the act itself; it didn't matter how many times he'd put her through this torture, how often, it always felt as if her insides were being shredded and she begged and prayed for it to end.

Tonight, some distant god must have heard her piteous beseeching and decided that at least this once she was worthy of divine mercy because this wasn't the usual all-night marathon; he grabbed her hips, causing her even more agony as he gripped them violently and began slamming into her with brute force as he came and even as she cried, she was thankful that it was over when she felt him spill inside her, wanting to vomit when he began planting drunken kisses to her neck and back.

"I can never get enough of you, darlin!" he slurred as he collapsed on top of her. She could smell the nauseating stench of the alcohol on his breath and squeezed her eyes shut, balling her hands into fists as she pulled at the restraints, wondering if he would just decide to fall asleep there on top of her.

Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he grumbled something that was unintelligible, (or maybe she'd just tuned it out) pulled out, got up from the bed and undid her restraints, restraints that hadn't been necessary to begin with because she'd lost her fight weeks ago, realizing that it always ended the same way – she beaten and injured and him violently taking what he'd beaten and injured her for in the first place! She'd decided that it would be easier to just endure it since she couldn't stop it and that maybe, just maybe if she begged him enough, he would eventually have mercy and stop…but of course, he wouldn't.

"When I come back, you won't get off so easy…we're going downstairs tomorrow night." and without another word, he slammed the door shut and locked it while she lay there holding herself, the blood in her veins running ice cold with dread from hearing those words and now, the sickness that had threatened to erupt from the moment Harlan had crept into the room decided to make good on its promise, forcing her to pull her aching body out of bed and limping to the bathroom, blood and semen running down her legs.

After empting her stomach she crawled into the old, rusty tub, pulling off her gown and turned on the hot water. Immediately, the bathroom began filling with steam as the scalding liquid poured from the shower head in angry streams that beat down on her skin and she didn't so much as flinch, just went about the task of viciously scrubbing him away while she sobbed.

* * *

.

5AM at the sixteenth and none of the squad had gone home in days. Three ten year old girls – best friends, had been abducted during a class field trip earlier in the week. One of them managed to get away but not before the assailant had a chance to sexually assault her and now this scared, emotionally scarred child was the only hope they had of locating the other two girls before it was too late but she had been so terrified that all she could remember about the man was that he was white with short hair and had taken them to an abandoned building… somewhere.

The man had been caught last night – unfortunately as he was trying to dispose of the bodies of the two remaining girls and after a long night of interrogation, they got a confession and had sent him off to central less than an hour ago. Now, the three detectives sat around their squad room in total silence, none of them wanting to say what they were all thinking, had been thinking since Amanda's theory about Lewis' followers ran them into yet another dad end two weeks ago. And now, ten weeks after Olivia had gone missing, 1PP had no choice but to close the investigation into her disappearance.

"I know that none of you want to hear it but we gotta face it so that we can move on" Murphy said, stopping to talk to his sullen detectives on his way out,

"Don't say it!" Fin seethed

"Someone has to. It's been 10 weeks, there haven't been any ransom demands. If she were alive…"

"She is alive!" Amanda yelled angrily as she stood up from her chair so fast, it went tumbling to the floor, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. Just the thought of her mentor, her hero, the woman she looked up to, loved like family… "you don't… you don't know Liv!" she said softer this time as she walked away and disappeared down the hall, very visibly shaken.

"I got her" Fin said, giving Murphy a cold glare as he went after Amanda leaving Nick and Brian in the squad room

"I think it's time you all face…"

"Face what?" Brian asked "Face the fact that after more than 20 years of service to the NYPD, they just gave up on her? Face the fact that she's still out there somewhere and god only knows what's happened to her…is still happening to her? Yeah, as fucked up as it is, I can face that but don't you dare ask me to face the fact that she's dead!"

"He's right." Nick agreed "she's out there. We're just not looking in the right place, we're missing the clues"

"What clues?" Murphy asked incredulously. He felt sorry for the two men before him. These were seasoned detectives who were in serious denial right along with the two who'd stormed out just a moment ago.

"You all need to come to terms with this and I understand how hard it is but she didn't walk away and just decide to disappear of her own volition. Someone used a girl to lure her and then killed that girl and took Benson. Ten weeks and not a word; not a demand, a phone call…whoever did this did not take her with the intention of returning her. The person who did this… her survival wasn't their intent, so when, or _if_ we do find her, we probably won't be looking at a rescue."

"This is not a recovery!" Brian yelled as he got n Murphy's face "and you need to consider yourself lucky that knocking a superior officer on his smug ass would get me suspended!" he spat before storming out.

* * *

.

"_I'm not going anywhere…" _

She felt foolish for believing those words… of course he would go, they always left; no matter how much was there, no matter the promises made. When all was said and done, everybody walked away. They thing was, David had grown to mean so much to her in the short time they had together, she'd never loved so quickly, so openly before him.

He'd come into her life and disrupted her world in the most incredible ways; made her challenge everything she thought she knew about who she was. it was through him that she'd truly experienced what it meant to be loved for the first time in her life; love without condition or guilt, love that made her smile, made her glow and made her want more of him every minute. The love in his eyes when he'd look at her, in his voice whenever he'd say her name, in his smile, in his touch; she'd trusted this love, believed in it heart and soul, opened herself to it and let herself build dreams around it – marriage… children… a lifetime together. Only to have that fateful day arrive when once again, love let her go and she found herself once again struggling to pick up the pieces and start again.

She never got back to sleep after Harlan's visit last night, she just lay there bed replaying her life through her head; rethinking everything. She'd been doing a lot of that lately with nothing but time on her hands.

Sealview and Beach house stood together by the glass-brick window of the bedroom as they both looked over at Olivia who lay motionless in bed, curled on her side and staring at nothing.

"She's been like that for hours; hasn't moved or said a word!" Beach house whispered to Sealview

"Should we worry now?"

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here" Olivia's dull, quiet voice said from across the room.

"Well thank god you haven't completely checked out on us!" Sealview said as she approached the bed.

"Not for lack of want…" Olivia said in that same dull voice without looking at either of her other selves. She put her hand to her stomach and winced in discomfort as she pressed her palm against it.

"Maybe we could try eating something?" Beach house Olivia suggested

"I'm not hungry"

"But the baby…"

"I don't care" she said barely above a whisper

"We have to care!" Sealview said but Beach house quieted her with a look that told her to let it go for now.

"He's taking me downstairs again…I can't go back in that room" Olivia cried almost silently, talking to herself as she recalled that horrible night six weeks ago "there were so many and he stood there and watched… he took their money and he let them…I can't go through that again" she said inaudibly, her voice trailing off as she retreated to her thoughts, shutting out her past selves.

**That's all for now, folks! **


	11. Stripped

"_**Taking a break"**_** I said! **_**"Need some time"**_** I said! This story won't let me go! And I know…I'm Lucifer's sister but I swear, I have a way out of this for Olivia but please just trust me and as hard as it is, please have patience; you will be so glad you did in the end. That being said, we're gonna pick up exactly where chapter 10 left off with losing her shit over being taken **_**downstairs**_**. Speaking of, I've been asked if****what goes on **_**downstairs **_**will be detailed and the answer is NO! The reason being that as bad as some of…well most of what I've written in this story is, it all served the story to be there. I feel that detailing a violent gang rape – unless something pivotal to the story were happening during said rape, would be unjustified and quite tasteless. So while that room will be mentioned, the horrors that take place inside will only be imprecisely alluded to. In other words, if you so desire to, use your imagination because mine is pleading the 5****th**** on this one! **

* * *

*****Chapter contains violence, rape*****

**.**

She said whatever she could think of to appease him when he'd come for her that night; cried, begged, promised to do anything he wanted – anything if he would just forget about that room, forget about the people waiting, forget why they'd come. He smiled slyly and took her up on that offer for _anything, _pushing her down on her knees as he stood looking down at her.

"Go ahead darlin, take it out!" he ordered. She hung her head in defeat as a sob wretched from her throat and her shoulders shook softly from her cries; her mind racing at the realization of what she was about to do but knowing that she had no real choice. She couldn't go back to that room, she couldn't…

"Hell, if all you gonna do sit there and cry…" he said as he grabbed her wrist and feigned pulling her toward the door.

"NO!" she cried "Please…I'll do it" that last part fell from her lips in a broken whisper…the very last of her dignity falling with it. slowly, she rose up on her knees and weeping silently. With trembling hands she reached for his belt buckle, fighting the nausea that was raging in her stomach, so sickened was she at the thought of what she was about to do that she gagged as her fingertips undid the button on his jeans and slid the zipper down and she had to force the bile back.

"Keep goin" he ordered, all-too-amused at the sight before him. Her tears continued falling in steady torrents as she nervously pulled his jeans down, letting them rest around his thighs and he grinned, quite pleased with himself when he felt her trembling hand on his shaft. He knew right in that moment that he'd finally succeeded, that the last vestige of her pride was being shed right then and there. He'd won. He'd broken her.

"Now open up that pretty mouth and give it to daddy nice and sloppy like a good whore!" he demanded then snatched her hair in his fist, yanking her head back so that she was looking up at him. "Be sure to swallow" he then said with a smile.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"If Billy could see me now!" he gloated, buckling his belt as he made his way to the bathroom while she heaved violently into the toilet. He stood there in the doorway and looked down at her as her stomach lurched a final time and its contents spilled from her mouth.

"Wrap it up, time is money!" those words sliced through her and she pulled away from the toilet, wiping the back of her hand across her mouth as she looked up at him with absolute terror in her eyes.

"But you said…"

"No…see that's where you're wrong darlin" he informed her while wrapping his huge hand around her upper arm and pulling her up from the floor "I didn't say shit, but that didn't stop you from assumin now did it?"

"Please" she begged, pulling her body in the opposite direction but his grip was strong and he pulled her harder in his direction. "No, no I did what you wanted…" she was crying now, trying desperately to get away from him even to the point of throwing herself down to the floor where she began to grovel at his feet

"Please, I'll be good, I promise I'll be good!" she cried but he'd already made up his mind, becoming more angered at her pleading with each passing second until he could take no more and sent the back of his hand flying across her face then effortlessly picking her up from the floor and carrying her kicking and screaming downstairs, having to chase her twice when she'd broken from his hold and ran hysterically back to her room, trying desperately to shut herself in and screaming 'no' again and again at the top of her lungs as he dragged her out; her screams never stopping until quite some time later when her voice had given out during the insanity that she'd been subjected to for the second time in that room downstairs.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

The first time after being taken down there six weeks ago, it took her a week to physically recover from what took place; a whole week during which she sank even deeper into herself. She didn't see Harlan much during this time, whatever it was that kept him busy outside this existence, kept him away from her, much to her gratitude. He would only pop in to bring food and then disappear. The food would go untouched and she would just lie there in bed, staring off into the distance without blinking and while rocking herself, softly humming some made up tune.

This time around after the men paid Harlan and left as the sun was breaking through the night sky, she decided that she was done. She was completely out of it, lying there on that bed after being brutalized all night and when Harlan dragged her upstairs, back to her room she didn't bother crawling to the shower like she usually did, nor did she try to convince herself that it would be ok if she'd just hold on a little longer. No, she was done holding on and this time she just sank to the cool floor of the dark room, lying there helplessly in the corner by the door. There wasn't an inch of her that hadn't been traumatized and her whole body was screaming in pain. She lay there exhausted, bleeding, naked and sobbing while her fingertips caressed the only thing she had to remind her of her old life – the _fearlessness _pendant that hang from her neck. Right now, that life seemed so far away and she found her mind drifting again.

"_Not so fearless now, are we?" Lewis mocked after she'd begged for dear life and then screamed bloody murder after he'd branded her with the keys to her apartment that first night, pressing them onto her stomach and grinning maniacally as they seared away the delicate skin and into her flesh…the pain had actually caused her to lose consciousness. But even then, even when no one else knew or could see, he did. Even when she herself was convinced of her own façade, he saw her weakness, he'd somehow known that she was thisclose to falling apart and it was ultimately why he'd chosen her._

"_You're the strongest person I know…"_

During her recovery, Brian had said those words to her more times than she could count. He had been her rock throughout; her beautiful surprise; never having thought that they would end up being what they'd become to one another. Brian hadn't challenged her like David had. He never made her want to dig deeper or see the bigger picture. What they had was what it was; simple and uncomplicated and it was a breath of fresh air because it was the first time in her life that she could just be without over-thinking it and she loved him for that even though she never told him, or he, her but that was just who they were, they didn't feel a need to complicate it with such things. Still she couldn't help but wonder if things might have been different if they had.

Her tears came harder. She suddenly missed him with every fiber of her being right now and she wondered if he was okay… what must he be thinking throughout all of this; what they all must be thinking – surely that she's dead. They'd be right. She was tired- had been for a long time and was surprised that she'd lasted this long under the circumstances but right now, as far as she was concerned, there was no life left in her and therefore no reason to hold on.

_So why should I? _She wondered as she closed her fist around the pendant and pulled it from her neck, popping the chain in one swift motion. Suddenly, Beach house and Sealview appeared.

"Olivia…Olivia what are we doing?" Sealview cried but Olivia paid no attention, her eyes blinded by the heavy tears that suddenly appeared as she opened her palm and lifted the pendant from it.

"Olivia…" Sealview called again only to be met with more silence, quickly turning to Beach house "Do something!" she cried frantically to her future past self.

"Benson, look at me!" Beach house demanded "we did not survive what we went through with this wanker's son just to end it like this! Damn it, are you listening to us?!" she yelled angrily.

Olivia squeezed her eyes shut and let the last of her tears fall, not even stopping to think about the people who loved her and would be devastated or the life inside her that was depending on her for it's survival…she still hadn't come to accept that fact. She simply wanted out and that was exactly her plan when she held the corner of her pendant to her wrist and pushed it until it pierced her skin, sending blood flowing in heavy drops. She cried out at the initial shock of pain but just bit her lip and drew in sharp breaths through her nose as she pushed it in deeper, applying extreme pressure to make it cut and proceeded to drag it across her wrist, fighting to hold in her scream as the metal tore through her flesh but she didn't stop until she'd sliced her wrist open, then allowed the bloody pendant to slip through her fingertips and onto the floor beside her; steadying her breathing as the pool of blood rapidly grew larger. The pain would soon be over… all of this would soon be over. And as she lay there, watching as the river of crimson flowed freely from her torn left wrist – the same wrist that Junior had broken last spring, and she gave a faint smile as she heard a voice calling to her, begging her not to let go but there was nothing left. Nothing left to hold on to anymore, least of all him. She wasn't afraid. Even as the voice continued calling to her begging, pleading with her, she just watched her life pouring out her and did nothing to stop it. She simply waited for the silence.

* * *

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**I'm sorry… but remember what I said earlier ok? Next chapter will probably be a big one.**


	12. Down For The Count?

**Sorry for the holdup but being sick and in the hospital held up the earlier posting I wanted but here it is! As promised, we get a twist in the story and something else that i haven't given you guys much of lately. Not much more to say except that Dick Wolf owns his characters and I own mine. Don't hate me and enjoy.**

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*****chapter contains rape*****

**.**

Fin, Nick and Amanda sat in their favorite diner just as the new day was breaking. None of them had the stomach to eat, but none of them could bear the thought of going back to their respective homes after their shifts had ended last night and so they hung out at the precinct, going over the dead-end leads they had, hoping for the millionth time that they would see something they'd missed before that would unlock everything. But when their eyes grew too tired and the words and pictures began to blur together, they called it a night.

Now as they sat in their booth over coffee, watching as the navy of the evening sky began to fade and brighten with beautiful pinks and gold on the horizon, they'd never felt collectively more hopeless than they did in that very moment.

"Less than three months and they give up!" Fin seethed disbelievingly

"Yeah well, we can't!" Nick reminded him "I know that we've officially had our hands tied but we can't let this go, I don't give a shit what the powers say!"

"Liv is out there and we're gonna find her man. We're family and we're gonna see this through, to hell with 1PP!" Fin agreed.

"I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear any of that" Tucker said as her turned around from where he sat at the counter and made his way over to their booth

"Eyes and ears everywhere" Amanda chided, rolling her eyes.

"Hello to you too, Detective! Look, for what it's worth, I think the department was dead wrong for closing the investigation… I want you to know that I did everything I could to change their minds but all it got us was an extra two weeks and that clock stopped yesterday. I'm sorry."

"Thanks Lieutenant." Fin said in a downtrodden tone

"And I meant what I said…I didn't hear any of that conversation but I don't have to tell you what's at stake if 1PP finds out that you went against department orders…play it smart, detectives!" he warned then turned, dropped money on the counter and exited the diner. As he was walking out, Brian was coming in and the two men exchanged curt nods before Tucker continued on his way.

"I thought I'd find you guys here" Brian said as he took a seat in the booth beside Fin

"I guess none of us are sleepin much these days" Amanda said and pushed away her now tepid coffee "How you holdin up?" she asked Brian.

"About as well as all of you from the looks of it" he sighed "So listen, a few of the guys from vice and major case that I worked with back in the day, they wanna help"

"I got the same offer. Lotta people are just as pissed off as we are with 1pp!" Fin said "They're not willing to give up on Liv

"I got a whole lot to make right with her when we find her I just…so much I should have told her, so much…" he trailed off as his emotions got the best of him and he rubbed his chin as he hung his head "We gotta find her"

* * *

.

"You stupid, stupid bitch!" was the first thing she heard when she began to stir, the sound of Harlan's voice but instead of the usual terror it instilled in her, this time she gave no reaction. There was no dread or fear, she gave a deliberate blink and looked him in the eyes; in hers he saw nothing but a blank, desolate stare, one that fully reflected her soul, she had nothing left inside. No emotion, no concern, no will to live; not even a will to protect herself from the maniacal beast that towered ominously above her. She had nothing; nothing but the tears that fell silently from her eyes.

Slowly she turned her head to the side and looked over at her wrist that was now bandaged and throbbing painfully, the intensity of which failed in comparison to the horror of what she felt between her legs and all over the rest of her body; she was literally bruised from head to toe and felt raw from the inside, out; it hurt just to breathe. She was sure that they'd bady bruised, maybe even fractured at least one of her ribs last night but she didn't have the strength to care. She may have failed at taking her own life but eventually, Harlan would and she prayed that it would come quickly.

"Wasn't enough to take one of my boys…you tried to kill em both!" he seethed as he got closer and backhanded her across the face, drawing blood from her nose. She didn't cry out, just looked at him with those same hollow eyes.

"Good thing I came back when I did and even better that the good old doc here ain't have a chance to get far" he continued, stepping aside so that Olivia could get unobstructed view of the portly man with the blotchy, oily skin and comb-over who stood with his medical bag in hand and a sinister smile on his face. Olivia's breath caught in her chest momentarily as last night quickly flashed through her mind.

"You remember old Doc, don't ya? He sure enjoyed you last night!" Harlan grinned. Doc wasn't an actual doctor, not anymore. He had been at one time but lost his license years ago for unethical practices but he still practiced illegally for the locals. Olivia was sickened when the greasy man gave a gingerly wave from where he stood, just before Harlan began speaking again, this time with a dead serious tone.

"But I'm afraid the fun ends for you darlin. See, you can't appreciate the sanctity of bein chosen to carry my precious seed you ungrateful cunt! You think you been through hell so far? You ain't even begun to feel sufferin little girl!" he promised in a low, menacing near-whisper as he wrapped his hand around her neck and began squeezing "I'm gon' spend these next few months makin you the most miserable bitch that ever lived! The shit that made you try to kill yourself… honey that's gon' look like a god damn picnic compared what I got in store for you!" he promised then gave a long, deliberate lick up the side of her face from her jaw to her temple, catching her tears on his tongue then smiled.

"Ain't that somethin? My tongue ain't been to a place on your body yet that ain't taste like goddamn sunshine!"

She quickly threw her head over the side of the bed and vomited all over the floor, the pain of sudden movement furthering her agony. She retched so violently that she nearly choked as her stomach to rid itself of its contents… contents that made her even sicker just thinking about the fact that they were there to begin with.

"Now now, we can't have junior makin you all sick on us" Harlan said as he helped her back down against the mattress, stroking her hair away from her sweaty face. "at least not until we pay Doc!" he grinned as the pudgy, oily man stepped forward and sat his medical bag down on the bed beside her, then began pulling down his rainbow suspenders and undoing his pants

"Don't worry" Doc said with a grin as he licked his cracked lips "it'll be fun" he cooed and took a seat on the bed beside her, causing his bag to fall over when the mattress shifted beneath his weight but he paid no mind and went straight to caressing the skin of her thigh with his calloused hand before moving it to her face. she began to tremble with the fear of knowing that after what she'd endured downstairs just hours ago, there was no way her body could take him and she looked at him with sad, tearful eyes and pleadingly shook her head 'no'. She was simply too weak to do much more between last night and then having lost so much blood before Harlan found her after she'd torn her wrist open.

"His reward for stitchin you up" Harlan said as he grabbed her arm, ready to put on the restraints.

"No, leave them off" Doc objected as he stared at Olivia with lustful eyes while undoing his necktie that was adorned with puppies.

"Suit yourself!" Harlan shrugged "I'll give you some privacy…unless you want me to watch…I'm kiddin, ya sonofabitch! " he chuckled before leaving the room. Olivia watched helplessly as the door closed.

"please…"she managed to get out in a weak, barely-there voice, looking directly at Doc as he divested himself of the remainder of his clothing and crawled his way on top of her but he wasn't interested in her begging, he had one thing in mind.

...

Outside in the hall as Harlan made his way to the staircase, he was stopped in his tracks as a pain-filled sobs came from the bedroom and cut through the air, but Harlan didn't feel pity, he only smiled big and wide, the sounds of her agony in her broken voice being music to his ears.

"Fuck her good, Doc!" he yelled before he continued his way downstairs and began singing the lyrics to his favorite song.

"_In the mornin, in the evenin, ain't we got fun?..."_

_... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..._

A bit later, Doc came down the stairs, his bag in hand and a huge smile on his face.

"Ain't you a happy bastard! You lock the door?" Harlan asked

"Yep and damn right I'm happy…my god even after spendin the night takin it like a pornstar, those are still prime fuckholes my friend!"

"I know how to pick em!" Harlan gloated.

"I wish you'd told me sooner she was knocked up. I know some guys, myself included who are really into that and they'll pay big for the pleasure! You interested?"

"Now when you say "pay big"…" Harlan was intrigued

"Three times what you charge now… once her belly's good and swole of course!"

"Of course. Come on, breakfast is on me!" Harlan offered

"You ain't gone get a piece of that first?" Doc asked

"It's mine, I can have it any time but right now, I got shit to do!" he said, opening the door just as a young woman approached, "Oh, hey darlin, glad you're here!" he greeted the young woman who came inside the house. "had a bit of a mishap this mornin, blood and puke everywhere"

"Miss Bronwyn" Doc greeted.

Months ago after the trial, Harlan had made it his business to find Bronwyn after learning how loyal she'd been to Billy. She'd agreed to keep the truth about who Harlan really was and immediately after Lewis' death, she became Mrs. Lucius Holmes – the name he'd assumed after faking his death in 1993 to avoid a conviction for rape and Murder in Kentucky. Bronwyn went on about her life in New York City and Came here to visit when she could so as not to draw suspicion until the time came for them to leave once the baby came.

"Hello Doc." She said as Doc told Harlan he'd wait outside and left house. Bronwyn shut the door before she turned to Harlan "I'll clean it right away dear" she replied as she put her bag down and wrapped her arms around Harlan. "But little William is okay?"

"Junior's fine…no thanks to his whore mother, but fine nonetheless!"

"That woman hates the Lewis name and all that it stands for! If it weren't for her, I'd still have him!" she cried, so full of emotion that she had to remove her glasses to wipe her eyes (of tears that weren't there) before tossing her thick, curly red hair in a bid to compose herself

"Well darlin now ya got me!" he grinned

"And I thank my lucky stars every day that you're my husband." She gushed "William would have wanted it this way!"

"Yeah well… you get that mess cleaned up and hands off the whore, she's weaker than a god damn kitten right now and we don't wanna push our luck!"

"Of course dear, little William comes first." She smiled in a Stepford-ish manner before heading toward the kitchen but then stopping and turning around. "And might I say, Sir, that I'm so completely honored that you've chosen me to be William's mother? the only thing that could have made me more proud is if you'd chosen me to carry him as well. But I understand; that bitch took him away, she has to be the one to give him back." she said with an eerie smile before retreating to the kitchen to collect cleaning supplies.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Upstairs, as her eyes grew heavy with sleep pulling her into its merciful embrace, Olivia couldn't help replaying the voice she heard calling to her as she lay on the floor hours ago, attempting to bring about her own death; the same voice she'd continued hearing even after falling unconscious, Elliot's voice. It had given her comfort even in her darkest moment when she'd wanted nothing more than to slip away but at the same time, there was terrible sadness at knowing that he was gone, that they were gone, that everything they had like everything she'd ever had, had become nothing more than painful memories. It was the reason that she hadn't tried to save herself after what she'd done, to what end? Even feeling that sliver of comfort as she lay bleeding out, if she'd tried going back it would serve her no purpose in life. The voice that had been a figment of her imagination near death would never again offer her that comfort in life. He would never again tell her that things would be alright with such conviction that she'd believe it with her soul! She'd never again feel his arms hold her close and make her feel the peace that only he could, so why live?

"You don't want to die" Beach house said quietly from where she lay beside her current self, her burned and cut arms wrapped loving around her bruised, naked body.

"Why do you keep coming back?" Current Olivia asked her past self, tears still flowing freely from her eyes.

"Because, I know that we have fight left" she whispered

"Just let me go"

"I would if I thought it was what you really want" Beach house said in a sad whisper

"If what I did wasn't enough to convince you..."

"I'm more concerned with what you did now" Beach house said with a smirk that current Olivia couldn't see. "I believe that in spite of what you felt last night, you know that you have to live, that you have to survive, not just for yourself but for this baby...you have to fight for him!" She told current Olivia, as she put her hand to her stomach. Olivia was quickly fading to the sleep she so craved to escape the hell she'd just gone through.

"You did what you just did because you know that you have to live, that you have to protect this little one" Beach house continued in that same sweet whisper. "Sleep now...forget everything and sleep. And when you're stronger, we'll do what needs to be done!" She said directly into the ear of her current self.

"Stay with me" current Olivia pled with her past self as she closed her eyes.

"Don't worry, we're here" Sealview promised her as she appeared, grinning fiendishly at Beach house. The tide was turning. "And when you wake up...we'll be right here" she whispered melodically. And Olivia drifted off; her hand beneath the pillow, curled around her prize. Unbeknownst to either Harlan or Doc, while the latter lay on top of her grunting like a sweaty pig as he violated her, his overturned bag revealed a glimpse of an old scalpel to Olivia and she quickly reached inside, allowing her slender fingers to grab hold of it and slide it beneath the pillow all without Doc ever taking notice. She'd intended to slice into the filthy bastard while she lay beneath him in agony but realized that she was too weak to fend off Harlan even if she could kill Doc in his vulnerable position and she gave up but held onto the weapon in spite of her hopelessness. But now, she knew exactly what needed to be done; the cold rusty steel that lay in her grasp would be her ticket out of this nightmare and this time, unlike her terrified attempt with the hanger, she wouldn't miss!

* * *

.

**Gonna be some stuff comin up in 13!**


	13. Hindsight

**Thirteen…I really, truly and seriously need a damn break from this story. But of course we know that that ain't happening so I might as well deal with it. Gonna apologize up front for a few things in this chapter, one that is not the usual but some of you won't like it and I'm sorry but the story is God and when god says go… Anyway, Dick Wolf owns what's his, I own what's mine, enjoy what you can. Thanks for all the well wishes and concern for me being sick. I'm doing a lot better now and am out of the hospital and hopefully it stays that way. Thanks for being the most awesome readers a girl could ever ask for!**

* * *

*****Chapter contains rape*****

.

After changing clothes, Bronwyn went upstairs to the bedroom where Olivia lay curled up in a deep slumber. One look at the severely bruised body of the woman who Bronwyn considered her enemy and she felt a lump rise in her throat and wondered exactly what had happened to cause such injuries.

"This can't be good for William" she said to herself, looking again at Olivia before covering her with the bed sheet then quietly going about cleaning the bedroom, careful that she didn't interrupt her sleep, the last thing she wanted was a confrontation and decided that the longer she could avoid it, the better.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

It would be late night before Olivia would wake up. She opened her eyes and listened to the quite of the house, breathing a sigh of relief that Harlan wasn't there to greet her but nervous all the same that candles had been lit in the room, that usually mean that he would be coming and she silently prayed that he wouldn't. After what she'd gone through last night just to be hurt again by Doc this morning…she couldn't take Harlan and just the thought of possibly having to, sent her heart pounding hard against her already sore ribs. She winced as she pulled herself from bed and made her way to the bathroom on slow, shaky legs so that she could cleanse herself, sinking her aching body into the bathtub and letting the scalding hot water rain over her.

After she was done and had pulled on a fresh gown, she walked over to the window and looked up at what she could make out of the moon and a chill suddenly went through her when she heard the locks began twisting on the door. She immediately shut her eyes, wishing that she was holding that scalpel right now.

The door opened and Olivia listened as footsteps tread across the wooden floor as she heard the dogs barking and scratching outside the door. But the footsteps were unfamiliar to her; they definitely weren't Harlan's.

"I see you're awake" the voice said; the voice of a woman… one that sounded all too familiar even though Olivia couldn't quite place how she knew it as she heard the door being locked from the inside then sighed and opened her eyes.

"I bought you something to eat… you must be famished, you've been asleep all day" the woman said. Slowly, Olivia turned around and was shocked to see the young woman who served as a juror on William Lewis' trial; the same young woman who had been responsible for helping him escape from prison three months ago enabling him to kidnap Amelia and lure her to him and…

"You did this!" Olivia said angrily, in disbelief as she stood face to face with the young woman, her voice still low, broken and weak.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Bronwyn denied haughtily as she sat the wooden tray down at the foot of the bed.

"If it hadn't been for you, interfering with the trial, with his sentence…he never would have gotten out, he wouldn't have killed himself and I wouldn't be here…this is all because of you!"

"You are here because Harlan chose you for a mission of the utmost importance; in spite of the fact that you killed William." Bronwyn said with total composure as she took a seat beside the tray

"He killed himself!"

"Perhaps that's what you managed to convince the grand jury, but I know the truth and so does Harlan and that is the reason you are here." she continued calmly as if she were merely reading a shopping list. "It's your responsibility to make sure that the Lewis bloodline continues… you should consider it an honor to have your womb filled with my husband's precious seed" she smiled

"Husband? You mean then violent, sadistic rapist who's holding me hostage?"

"He's never laid a hand on me"

"And you think I did this to myself? That I've been here, almost 3 months, confined to a locked room because it's my idea of fun?"

"You should eat."

"I'm not hungry" Olivia said as she ran her hands through her damp hair and squeezed her eyes shut in frustration.

"Still, you should eat. Harlan says I shouldn't engage you. He wouldn't like it" she said as she turned to leave then stopped and turned back around. "You should know that I found what was under the pillow. Be thankful that I didn't tell Harlan." She said before again turning to leave the room but was sidetracked when her head exploded with pain as Olivia, using what little strength she'd recuperated, smashed the tray against Bronwyn's skull, sending food flying everywhere and knocking her to the floor with a thud then dropping the tray beside her on the floor. her first instinct was to run but she knew that the dogs were right outside waiting and instead, looked down at Bronwyn who lay on the floor writing in pain as she held her head.

"Oops… it slipped" Olivia said dully before inhaling a sharp breath as her nausea churned. She put her palm to her stomach before dashing for the bathroom as fast as she could with her body still in a considerable amount of pain.

"I'll chalk that up to pregnancy hormones you bitch!" Bronwyn yelled as she pulled herself to her knees and began cleaning the mess Olivia made. Ticked off at that the only reply she was met with was the sound of vomiting.

* * *

.

The week that followed was sheer hell for Olivia starting with the morning after she'd knocked Bronwyn on her ass. Harlan put his _pleasure before pain _method into play, this time using his mouth to make her climax repeatedly before he tore open a scar on her upper thigh with a wire cutter. He'd ended up cutting too deep and when the bleeding wouldn't stop, Doc was called to stitch her up but of course, not before he negotiated his "fee" with Harlan and got to have his way with her again. Bronwyn was on hand to witness these things and though she kept quiet about it, it gnawed at her because even with her convictions about the situation, they way she'd seen them treat Olivia was harsh, even cruel; even if she never actually saw what happened with her own eyes, she would hear her screams and cries and but Olivia wouldn't talk about happened even when Bronwyn would be tasked with laundering bloodied sheets and cleaning blood from the floor, she'd watch as Olivia would lie in the corner, somewhere in her own head and Bronwyn would try to convince herself that this was just.

She hadn't been lucky enough to be given time to recover from the vicious gang rape that took place in the room downstairs like she had been after the first time it happened. She was sure that Harlan would be more inclined to leave her alone now that Bronwyn was here but he wasn't; he came to her room almost every night for the next six days and would force her again and again until he'd had his fill before leaving in the very early hours of the morning…he'd tied her down every night he came to her that week and had even taken the liberty of falling asleep beside her a couple of those nights only to wake up and begin all over again.

On the morning of the ninth day Bronwyn came in with Olivia's breakfast. By day four she'd noticed that if she brought it in too early, it would aggravate Olivia's morning sickness and send her heaving. Bronwyn felt bad and figured that with everything else going on, she would at least try to make things easier for Olivia in areas where she could and so she'd begun bringing breakfast after Olivia's stomach would have time to settle and surprisingly she'd be more inclined to eat a few bites before pushing the tray away. This morning however…

"Are you hungry?" Bronwyn asked cheerfully as she sat the tray of fresh fruit, yogurt and dry toast down on the bed beside Olivia who lay there seemingly in a trance while her hand absently rubbed the small but noticeable swell of her abdomen, it was as if the reality were finally sinking in that there was indeed a life growing inside of her and she was suddenly overwhelmed with a million different emotions all at once. She'd been cradling that tiny bump all morning.

"Will you be able to live with looking at this child every day, knowing that you ripped him or her away from me and killed me for the opportunity?" she didn't bother turning to look at Bronwyn

"We don't need to discuss such unpleasantries"

"Is that what were calling it? An _unpleasantry?_ I'm its mother… you can't just rip a child away from its mother"

"I'll be its mother. He'll be a very happy boy"

"You'll never be its mother… not rightfully. Not after the hell my body will go through; is already going through to bring him or her into the world just for you to sweep in, take my life and my child and call it yours. What kind of woman does that to another woman? What kind of woman stands by and watches in silence while another woman is brutalized every day?"

"I don't need to hear this" Bronwyn said as she turned to leave.

"I think you do" Olivia insisted as she grabbed hold of Bronwyn's arm in a vice-like grip. "What you've seen since you've been here is not even a taste of the sheer hell he's put me through! You heard, last week, when your dear husband ripped open my thigh with a wire cutter… it's how he punishes me for what he considers bad behavior, he tears open the scars that his son gave me…junior used an old fashioned can opener to tear it open before there ever was a scar. Before this, Harlan ripped open what used to be a knife wound on this arm with a wire hanger before he opened up what was a nasty burn from Billy's blowtorch on the other arm… with the buckle of his belt then raped me afterwards each time to "take my mind off the pain" Nauseous yet? Probably not since you're convinced that I deserve what's happening to me!"

"I never said…"

"You've allowed it to continue. I don't know how you came to get involved in all of this or why you've chosen to let it go this far but you're not like him; I believe that deep down you still have a heart and a conscience. You just need to listen to them"

"I won't go against my husband"

"You are my last hope! If you don't help me, I die! No one will ever know what happened to me, there will never be justice for what he's done to me. Bronwyn please… a phone call is all I'm asking of you; just tell the police where I am, please!"

"I have to go"

"Bronwyn please; don't let him do this!" Olivia begged as Bronwyn fled from the room and slammed the door, quickly locking it. Olivia wrapped her arms around herself, her body shaking as she began to cry. Out in the hall, Bronwyn stood there, her back against the bedroom door listening as Olivia wept.

"I'm sorry" she whispered "but if I help you, I lose everything, and I've come too far to let that happen!"

* * *

.

"Seriously Rollins, Lewis's file…Again?" Nick asked but Amanda was far too engrossed to even hear him as she sat at her desk hunched over her desk. "Rollins?"

"What?" she asked without looking up. she was annoyed at being disturbed and it showed in her voice.

"How long you been in that file again?" Nick asked, taking a seat in the chair beside her desk

"I don't know, I just…a couple days"

"What do you think you're gonna find that you didn't find before?"

"I don't…" she released an exasperated sigh as she rubbed her eyes and refocused them, looking up for the first time in hours "there's a connection! Everything inside me knows it, I, it's…screamin at me I just, I can't find it and it's makin me crazy!"

"Maybe it's making you crazy because you're looking at a dead end"

"No, Nick I'm telling you, none of this is a coincidence. Lewis dies and Liv disappears a week later? Come on!"

"I just just don't want you to put all your focus into something that pans out to be nothing. Anyway, don't forget we're meetin up at Cassidy's in an hour"

"Yeah, I um, I might be a little late getting there, I'm waitin to hear from the records clerk in Tennessee"

"Tennessee?"

"Pigeon Forge. It's where Harlan Lewis died in that car accident in '93."

"What exactly are you lookin for?" Nick Wondered

"No clue, but I'll know when I see it. but I did find somethin interestin; I took a closer look at the juror"

"Bronwyn Freed?"

"She applied for a Pennsylvania marriage license the day after Lewis killed himself and used it the same day. She got married to a Lucius Holmes in Earl County where he's the sheriff, Fin checked him out, the guy seems on the up and up; been sheriff 18 years, upstandin citizen but... I mean, don't you think it's odd, considerin the way she was so obsessed with Lewis?"

"Since comin to work in this unit, I don't believe in odd anymore!" Nick quipped "And when did you find this out?"

"This mornin. I been keepin an eye on her and I don't know why it never occurred to me to check before but I decided to take a look at her family, both parents died in a boating accident the year she graduated Julliard, she lives off of a trust fund, she dun have any siblings so her parents entire estate was left to her in their wills… she's worth a couple hundred million dollars but she doesn't get control of the inheritance until her 35th birthday or her first wedding anniversary _after _her 30th!"

"And you say she got married the day after Lewis died?"

"Yep. Right up until the day he escaped, she was writin him love letters, sendin him care packages and makin sure that his commissary account at Rikers kept funds in it, I mean the woman never missed a visit… she paid for his funeral for Christ's sake!"

"So how did she go from that to pledging herself to another man less than 24 hours after the love of her life kills himself?"

"Maybe the Sheriff was her intended all along and she just got caught up in the magic is William Lewis; the spell wore off when he died? That girl is a strange one!"

"Yeah well, who has the time to worry about her, we gotta focus on finding Liv!"

* * *

.

Just after eight that night Harlan sat down in his favorite chair in the living room, reading from his evening paper while Bronwyn sat on the sofa knitting a baby blanket, a huge gulf of silence between them.

"Did you enjoy your dinner, Sir?"

"It was fine" he replied curtly, not even bothering to look over at her.

"If you want, I could get desert for you now"

"As a matter of fact…" he said as he folded his newspaper and tucked it into the crook of the chair "That is exactly what I had in mind!" he grinned as he stroked his thick mustache with his thumb and forefinger and stood up, heading toward the stairs.

"I thought you'd never ask!" she smiled as she put the blanket and needles down in the basket and stood up, so happy that she'd finally get to consummate her marriage.

"Actually darlin, I'm not. I was just gonna go and check on her" he said, Bronwyn new exactly what that meant. She'd lain awake several nights listening to Olivia's cries from down the hall as Harlan took her against her will yet still, for some twisted reason, Bronwyn still desired him.

"Oh" she shrugged, feeling dejected "It's just that… I know that you're worried about hurting me, me still being a virgin but… well I'm really ready for us to…"

"In due time darlin"

"She's not feeling well; she's been sick with the baby a lot lately throughout the day… please sir? I know that I can satisfy your needs just as well as she can"

_You fat, nasty cow of a woman! Who the hell wants ya? I sure as hell don't! _He thought to himself

"Tell ya what, I'll do ya good later!" he said before heading up the stairs.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

In her bathroom, Olivia was on her knees leaned over the toilet, holding her hair back as she threw up what little she'd managed to choke down of her dinner.

"Oh god!" she cried as her stomached contorted once more, leaving her coughing and gasping from the intensity of the huge gush that forced its way out. Not hearing Harlan's footsteps or even knowing that he was there until he appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.

"Good girl. Already on your knees for Daddy!" he grinned as Olivia looked up at him, fear and disgust in her eyes. He quickly snatched her by the hair and began forcing her down onto the floor, she tried fighting him but he only grew enraged and began beating her for her attempt fend him off. Now ten minutes later, Harlan stood above her as she lay on the bathroom floor curled up and in pain from the beating he was still in the process of giving her. After he pulled her up and threw her into a wall, she scurried backwards away from him and tucked herself into a corner, screaming the only thing she could think of while clutching her stomach.

"PLEASE…YOU'LL HURT THE BABY!" she sobbed, and wiped the blood from her nose with the back of her trembling hand.

"Harlan, she's right, think of William!" Bronwyn said pleadingly from where she stood in the doorway after having run up to see what the commotion was about. She was genuinely concerned for the unborn child but witnessing her husband brutally beat Olivia in her condition had an effect that she hadn't been prepared to for; she felt sorry for the woman who was virtually defenseless against six feet, six inches of stocky, muscular build.

"What the hell did you say to me woman?" Harlan replied angrily as he turned, skulking toward Bronwyn who backed up a step.

"I just meant that…I…" she stammered nervously just before he slapped her hard across the face, the strength of the hit knocking her to the floor.

I'll deal with you later, right now, you get to watch me teach this one a lesson!"

Bronwyn watched in horror as Harlan snatched Olivia up from the floor, bent her over the sink, pulling up her gown as she begged him not to in front of her then began begging Bronwyn to look away when he wouldn't stop and began violently fucking her while threatening his wife with an even worse fate if she dared look away and Bronwyn didn't dare disobey him, no matter how disgusted she was at what was happening in front of her or how long it took to stop.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Olivia was relieved when he finally came and pulled out. She sank to the floor, sobbing at this new humiliation as Harlan zipped his pants and taunted her before grabbing Bronwyn by the neck and yanking her out of the room, slamming and locking the door behind them and even in spite of the horror that he'd again inflicted on her, Olivia couldn't help but feel sorry for Bronwyn moments later when she heard Harlan screaming profanities at the young woman before he began to mercilessly beat her amidst her screams.

* * *

.

At Brian's apartment, Fin, Nick, Amanda and the other Detectives who were helping in the search were calling it a night after having gotten together to go over the case and discuss what their next moves should be. And since most of them, Brian included, were now off duty, they left pretty buzzed, having indulged in more than a few beers.

"Alright man, we'll be in touch!" Fin called to Brian as he and Nick were on their way out. "Manda, you need a ride?"

"You mean you guys aren't gonna stay and help clean up?" she teased. Fin and Nick looked at each other, both at a loss for words. "I'm kidding" she said dryly

"Guys, it's cool, I got it" Brian assured them.

"No such thing, I'll help with this mess and I'll grab a cab when I'm done. I'll see you guys tomorrow"

"You know you don't have to…" Brian started

"Hey, it's the least I can do" she smiled before heading to the small kitchen for a garbage bag.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"I don't know how you've been able to hold it together all this time" Amanda said before taking another swig from her beer.

"Honestly, neither do I. I mean, we don't even know if…"

"Brian, she's alive. I don't know how I know but I just do and she's gonna come back to us; to you!"

"I don't know about that part… things didn't end so well the last time we... but I don't care about any of that, you know? I just want her found and safe. She can push me away, tell me to get lost but I just need to see her again, to know she's alive; I'd give anything!" he said as his eyes filled with tears and he hung his head "I'm sorry. I must look like a wuss!"

"No, you don't. I think it's beautiful that you care about her so much" Amanda assured him as he pulled him in for a hug "We'll find her" she promised, feeling his hot tears on her neck.

"Yeah." He sniffled, nodding as he pulled away. It had been three months since he'd held a woman so close and the sweet scent of Amanda's perfume didn't go unnoticed as he sat, face to face with her. they both knew where the moment was leading and neither of them attempted to stop it when they found themselves leaning into each other and their lips met, softly at first but then hungrily, using their tongues to explore one another as she threw her arms around him and he pulled her onto his lap, wrapping her petite body in his strong embrace as they greedily continued to kiss amidst their moaning and groping. He wasted no time pulling her shirt open and undoing her bra, barely having pushed it up above her breasts before he'd attached his mouth to one, sucking her nipple as she held his head, encouraging him to suck harder while he flicked the other with his thumb before releasing the other from his mouth with a pop and giving this one the same attention. In a quick moment, he was on top of her, having thrown her down onto her back on the sofa. They pulled at each other's clothes, she pulling his shirt off over his head while he undid her jeans, hurriedly pulling them down along with her panties.

He'd pulled one leg from the confines of the denim and silk, not bothering with the other and left her jean dangling from her right leg as she pushed his down over his hips, just past his ass. Desperate to get inside her, he pinned her wrists above her head with one hand and kissed her hard as the other pulled her hips closer to him and in one swift motion, he'd pushed all of his thick cock inside her and began fucking her in deep strokes.

"Oh my fucking god!" she cried beneath him as she bucked her hips to meet his powerful thrusts. It had been a while for her too and she wanted to feel him deep, begging for him to go harder as she spread her legs wider to allow him to penetrate her as deep as possible. Neither of them gave thought to the ramifications of what they were doing, they simply lost themselves in the moment.

* * *

.

Bronwyn stood staring at her own beaten face in the mirror, unable to believe that her husband had done this to her, had violently assaulted her. but the thing she was in most shock from wasn't the brutal beating he had given her; it was what he'd done to Olivia that she couldn't shake.

What she witnessed Harlan do to Olivia in that bathroom earlier tonight, it stayed with her, her conscience couldn't let go of it. The way she cowered in the corner pleading for the baby as she cradled her small swell protectively; would someone who was as cold and calculating as William and Harlan made her out to be even care so much? And then the look of total humiliation on her face as Harlan made love to her…

"It wasn't love making you idiot, he raped her and you stood there and watched while she begged you to look away and you did nothing!" she cried, mentally cursing herself as she stared at her reflection in the mirror; the reflection that she could no longer stand to look at.

_What kind of woman does that to another woman?_

She hung her head in shame as she heard Olivia's words echoing in her head.

"Not much of a woman at all" she whispered, tears streaming her face as she smashed the side of her fist against the glass, shattering it and cutting her hand in the process. She couldn't go against her husband but at the same time, she knew that to stand by him, a man she'd known less than a year, no matter how much she thought she loved him would be going against everything her parents had spent a lifetime teaching her about the kind of woman she should be and no amount of devotion to any man could mollify the disappointment she felt within herself at turning her back on everything she'd ever been taught by the two people who loved her unconditionally and loved her most. She couldn't do nothing.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

After bandaging her hand and cleaning the glass and blood from the bathroom, Bronwyn made her way down the hall to the bedroom to check on Olivia who was in bed curled on her side, staring off into nothing as she lay there in the dark. Bronwyn slowly approached the bed and took a seat beside her. Olivia's back is to Bronwyn so they can't see one another but Bronwyn knows that she's awake.

"I don't…there aren't enough words to tell you how sorry I am" She stammered as she fought to get the apology out" there was a long silence as Olivia swallowed the tears that caused a huge lump tp form in her throat. This was the first kindness she'd been shown in three months, she'd almost forgotten what it felt like to be considered and she wasn't prepared for the immediate affect it had on her emotionally.

"I'm used to it" she said in a small voice as tears fell from her eyes. Those four words broke Bronwyn's heart right down the middle and she fought to contain the cry that threatened to escape.

"You shouldn't have to be. Does he…often?" Olivia still hadn't turned to look ather when she answered quietly.

"Every day for the last three months…sometimes once or twice…sometimes all night, over and over until he tires himself…" she had to stop when her tears got the best of her and she began weeping without shame in front of the woman who had helped to keep her in this hell. She had long ago stopped caring about appearing weak when her mind resigned itself to the fact that she was nothing more than Harlan's victim. Bronwyn couldn't believe that this was the once proud woman who was so sure of herself as she stood against Billy during the trial. that woman could take on anything but this woman…she was completely broken.

"I can't make it right but, I'll get hold of my phone…he doesn't allow me to have it while I'm here but I'll get it and I'll call your squad, I'll tell them where you are" she promised sorrowfully. Olivia immediately turned over to look at Bronwyn, not sure if she should believe what she was saying to her.

"Why would you do that?" she asked, tears in her eyes

"Because… I was wrong for my part in this…for what he's done to you." she cried as tears fell down her cheeks. She couldn't look at Olivia, her own shame wouldn't allow it."I know that saying I'm sorry can't erase what you've been through, but I am; I am SO, so sorry for all of this!"

"How do I know I can trust you?" Olivia asked, her own tears falling. She wanted this more than anything to be real but she was simply too afraid to hope after having hope dashed so many times.

"You don't have any reason to but I always keep my word and I swear, I'll do what I say" there was a long silence between the two women before Bronwyn spoke again

"He only locks every other lock on the downstairs door, starting with the top one… If things don't go as planned, you should know that… and you run like hell. There's a dirt trail that will lead you off the property, you follow it, it's about a quarter mile to the road and when you reach it, go right, there's a payphone a mile down" she said blankly before standing up and turning to leave, but Olivia grabbed her arm before she could walk away.

"Thank you" she cried in a near-whisper.

"Just get out of here…don't look back, and don't trust anyone in this town; Harlan's the sheriff… everyone's in his pocket!" she said, jumping when she heard the downstairs door slam. They both did. Harlan was home. "I'll do what I can, but you remember what I said!" she reminded Olivia in a panicked whisper, then sat something on the bed and left the room. Olivia lay there in the silence, listening as the locks turned and Bronwyn's footsteps disappeared down the hall. Unable to stop her tears from falling, Olivia turned over and was surprised when something caught her eye in the faint moonlight that shone through the glass brick window. Bronwyn had given the scalpel back to her!

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**So… Brian and Amanda…who saw THAT coming?**


	14. Fled

**Fourteen chapters in already. Wow! Thanks to everyone who's reading and inspiring me to keep going with this. Who knew that this crazy idea would be so well received? I know I've said it before but I'm truly amazed and I thank you guys for being the very best reader a girl could have, thank you to everyone who makes the effort to give me feedback. I can't tell you how appreciated it is. Anyway, let's get to it. Dick Wolf owns his, I own mine. Enjoy!**

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*****Chapter contains rape and violence*****

"You know it's late. You don't have to go, I mean…" Brian assured Amanda who stood dressing in his living room.

"Yeah, actually I do; what just happened was… WOW!" she grinned making him smile from where he lay on the sofa wearing nothing but a throw across his hips. "but I think we both know we shouldn't have let it."

"I never should have kissed you"

"I never should have let you…or the other thing"

"So you're ok?"

"Yeah. We were just two people who needed comfort. We took what we needed from each other and it's done"

"That easy?"

"I'm not a fool. I know where your heart lies, it's with Olivia; you love her…so do I. we just got caught up in the moment."

"I do love her you know? And when she comes back I'm gonna do everything I can to fix us and get us back on track…if she comes back"

"She will, I just…"

"What?"

"After all this time…You saw what four days with Lewis…It's been three months" Brian's heart sank with the realization.

"How much of her is still her?"

* * *

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After Bronwyn left her room Olivia lay awake praying that Harlan wouldn't decide to visit her tonight. She's heard his footsteps when he'd come up but they went straight to his bedroom at the far end of the hall. Usually when he came home this late, he was drunk and had one thing on his mind: her! But she was still terribly weak from the beating he'd given her on top of the leg that hadn't stopped bothering her since Doc stitched it closed over a week ago and no matter how much he'd tried to keep pressure off of it, it hurt like hell and was made worse two days after Doc closed the horribly bleeding wound when Harlan was so rough with her that he'd accidentally torn open two of her stitches. He ignored it until he was done fucking her then nonchalantly rolled off and without even bothering to undo her restraints, he got Bronwyn out of bed at 3am and had her bandage the leg.

She'd been feeling lethargic the last few days and she was sure that it was more than just the pregnancy causing it and those feelings were only confirmed when she noticed the area around the wound becoming red and right now as she lay looking at it, she was sure that it had gotten worse, her sudden chills telling her that she has a fever.

"Because an infected leg is exactly what I need!" she laughed at the irony as tears rolled down her face. She looked at the scalpel in her hand and she wondered if she could trust Bronwyn. For all she knew, this could be a setup, what if it was just Bronwyn's sick way of proving her loyalty to Harlan? She was usually pretty good at getting a read people but these last three months in this hell… she wasn't sure of anything anymore and she didn't trust her own judgment.

"He could come in here at any time and beat the hell out of me for having this thing" she said to heself, not even realizing that she was speaking aloud.

"She's probably already downstairs telling him that it's here; if he finds it… maybe if I tell him he'll go easy on me…"

"She's developing Stockholm! Have you lost your mind?" Sealview shouted in disbelief "You give him that scalpel and he'll take your ear off with it!"

"Or I can save myself some torture"

"What? He'll rape us gentler than usual? Jesus Liv, you really are losing it!" Sealview exclaimed

"I'm just trying to protect myself, he's unpredictable!"

"Yeah, well so are we when our back is to a wall and guess what? He's had our back to the wall for too damn long; we don't know about you but we're over this shit and we want out!" Beach house told her on no uncertain terms "We are stronger than mind games Benson, even if Bronwyn is full of shit, which she probably is, we hinge nothing on her; the second we find and opening, we're taking it!"

"And what if I fail again?"

"Then we keep trying until we don't fail but we are not giving up!"

... ... ...

"What the hell you doin still up?" Harlan drunkenly asked Bronwyn who had just returned from the kitchen with a cup of coffee to help sober him up.

"You were so angry when you left, I was worried about you; too worried to sleep" she lied as she knelt in front of him from where he sat on the foot of their bed and handed him the cup of steaming-hot brew.

"I don't want no goddamn coffee!" he yelled as he knocked the coffee from her hand and sent it and the cup flying across the room causing Bronwyn to jump nearly out of her skin'

"You're right, I'm sorry sir. You probably just want to sleep, here, let me take your shoes off…"

"Naw, I'm just gon head down the hall, check on my baby momma" he said with a drunken grin as he stood up. Bronwyn stood to meet him and was knocked down when he staggered and stumbled, landing on top of her on the bed.

"Whoops! Are you alright sir?"

"Well I'll be damned, ain't you softer than a pillow! Lotta cushion"

"I suppose"

"And hell, you don't look half bad" his vision was starting to blur from the alcohol and as he looked down at her, he saw another red haired woman staring back at him, one that he hadn't seen in over thirty years. He saw the face of Johnnie Lee

"Couldn't stay away could ya?"

"Sir?" Bronwyn asked, confused.

"Don't you worry darling, I'm gon take real good care a ya and then we'll talk about earnin my forgiveness" he said as he reached beneath Bronwyn's skirt, pulling at her panties while he kissed her roughly on the mouth.

"_He can't possibly know what I've done" _she thought to herself, he thoughts quickly replaced by maddening lust. He'd never kissed her this way before and when his mouth moved from her lips to roughly sucking her nipples after he'd torn her top and bra open, She wasn't prepared for the sensations that overtook her and she too quickly gave herself over to them. No man had ever used his mouth on her in this way and she thought she'd explode from how amazing it felt. She didn't even complain when he began to bite them harder than should be tolerable or enjoyable until he bit down so hard that he drew blood, causing her to yelp painfully like a wounded puppy but he just clamped his mouth around her bleeding nipple and suckled as if he were being nursed with mother's milk while painfully pinching and twisting the other.

Penetration was so fast that she didn't know it was coming but she screamed like a banshee. He tore though her hymen brutally, forcing as much as he could of his freakishly large member inside her before he began moving indelicately in and out.

"Harlan…please" she cried. He told her it would hurt. She wish she'd believed him.

"Take it all!" he demanded as he continued to pound her. After a short while she was surprised when she began to feel some pleasure instead of just pain and help tight to him as an incredible pressure began to build deep inside her walls and she couldn't help but cry at how amazing it felt.

"Oh please keep doing that sir. Please, please, please…" she begged over and over, her nails raking his back as she squeezed her eyes shut.

"You like the way daddy's fuckin his little girl?"

"Yes Daddy, god yes!" she screamed. Within minutes she'd had her very first orgasm and wanted nothing more that to sleep afterwards but Harlan was relentless and kept going long after she'd had her fill and the pleasurable aspect had disappeared and she began begging him to stop. He came one last time, pushing deep inside her as he spilled himself, her own final orgasm hitting so powerfully that she nearly passed out from the intensity but had a huge smile on her face nonetheless, having no idea that she'd just had sex with her own father.

Down the hall before she herself began dozing off Olivia listened for what seemed forever while Bronwyn screamed, professing her love for Harlan again and again and Olivia knew right then that just as quickly as she'd gained her ally, she'd lost it because back in the bedroom had fallen fast asleep, with one thought in her head as she drifted off; that there was no way she would possibly betray Harlan now, no matter how terrible she felt about what he was doing but she was so drunk off of their lovemaking that she completely forgot that she'd given the scalpel back to Olivia. Good thing Bronwyn was a very heavy sleeper.

... ... ...

Harlan made his way back downstairs and poured himself another drink; things had just gone way further than he intended. The plan was simply to get her money after a year and be done with it. He was never supposed to sleep with her but now that he did, well, he was seriously thinking that it wasn't the worst thing he's ever done.

"Hell, ain't nothin wrong with new pussy… course it ain't as good as experienced pussy" he laughed "and I just so happen to have the best of both worlds!" he gloated as he raised the glass to his lips but put it down before he could take a sip.

"I think I'll go get balls deep in it right now!" he said as he headed back upstairs.

... ... ...

By the time Olivia woke up and noticed the last lock turn it was too late, Harlan had he face-down on the bed and had pinned her arms above her head, holding both her wrists in and iron grip while he forced her legs apart and pushed himself inside.

Once again she found herself screaming and fighting to throw him off but only caused herself more pain the more she resisted. She might as well have been trying to buck a car off her back for all the good it did but this time she wouldn't stop and the harder she fought, the rougher he got until instead of screams, sobs ripped from her throat at the searing pain that sliced through her with each and every unforgiving thrust until he came.

"So help me God, I'm gonna kill you!" she cried brokenly, bitterly

"Well ain't that sweet?" he mocked in his most condescending tone "Tell you what darlin" he said as he kissed her neck, stroking her between her legs while she sobbed beneath him "Cuz you're so damn cute when you're making threats and all, I'm gon let you chose what hole I fuck next. So what's it gon be? you want it in that pretty ass or that pretty mouth? And if you don't choose, I get both"

She suddenly swallowed her tears at the ultimatum, inhaling and releasing a shaky breath before she answered almost as if without question in a voice that was far too calm.

"My mouth"

"Excellent choice" he smiled as he got up, grabbing her by the hair and pulling her from the bed onto the floor. She gave a strangled cry at the pain that shot through her injured leg when it hit the hard wood.

"On your goddamn knees!" he demanded. Shakily, she rose up on her knees, biting back the pain in her leg, steeling her nerves at the same time. He yanked he hair one more time, using the other hand to grab his member and push it in her face as the door keys, unnoticed by him dangled from his pocket.

"Nice and clean slut!" he said in his final demand before releasing her hair and leaning his head back prepared to enjoy. He let out a moan as he felt her shaky hand wrap around the base of his shaft gripping it firmly as she tugged on it; he licked his lips in anticipation of hers but that wasn't at all what he got. In his strive for dominate her, he never saw her hand dip beneath the pillow when he dragged her to the floor just like he never saw her grab the old scalpel from under it nor did he see it as she dropped her right hand to her side so that he wouldn't. He certainly didn't feel, until it was too late, her raise it as she held what he considered his manhood in her hand and from underneath his balls gave one sharp, clean slice that took the entire unit off.

"That clean enough for you? Daddy!" she seethed as he stood screaming.

"YOU FUCKIN BITCH!" he swung at her but missed as she sliced him across the stomach before he staggered and fell to the floor onto his back still screaming in horrible agony as blood poured like crazy. She still had his member in her hand as she brought the scalpel down into his chest again and again screaming as she stabbed him over and over, his blood all over her as his screams died.

When he stopped moving, she grabbed the keys and his cell phone from his pocket, suddenly noticing what was still in her hand and she dropped it in disgust, along with the scalpel. Ignoring the pain in her leg, she quickly pulled herself up from the floor and ran from the room, making sure to turn each of the locks on the door so that he wouldn't get out then she ran like hell down the hall and down the stairs, making it to the front door.

"_He only locks every other lock…starting with the top one"_

She literally shook as she reached out and turned the first lock, then the third, then the fifth. Her heart pounding and unable to stop her tears as she turned the doorknob and pulled.

"Oh God!" she sobbed when the door opened, nearly falling to her knees with relief but she knew that she couldn't afford it and ran from the house after slamming the door, as fast as her tired body and injured leg could carry her. she didn't care that it was pouring down rain and that she was wearing nothing but a nightgown, not even shoes on her feet; she kept running through the darkness, the bright light of the moon her only guide. She was free, finally she was free from her hell, but she knew that it wouldn't be real until she was safe and she kept running until she could see the road then she stopped when her stomach told her she had to and she fell to her knees and began throwing up.

Her stomach went three times before she fell back against a tree and with trembling hands she dialed the only number her frightened mind could think of right now and prayed that the rain hadn't damaged the phone as she staggered to her feet, her leg throbbing. It took a while to connect but when the line on the other end began to ring she broke into sobs again.

... ... ...

"Tutuola" Fin answered, he heard nothing but static from the other end and what sounded like crying but he couldn't make anything out "Hello?" still nothing "Who the hell is this?"

"Fin? Fin it's Liv, can you hear me? Please say you can hear me, please!" she sobbed as she continued alongside the road, crying harder now that she heard the comforting sound of his voice.

"Liv?" it was like he was talking to a ghost. To say he was in shock…this was beyond shock. "If this is a joke… What were we doing when I got shot?"

"Getting coffee at a bodega Fin it's me!" she cried. His heart stopped and he collapsed into his chair and for the first time in three months, tears began falling down his face and he sat at his desk weeping, not caring who saw

"Baby girl, where are you?"

"I don't know…on a road somewhere. Fin… I wanna come home" she sobbed

"I promise, everything will be okay, I'm starting a trace on your signal"

"I don't feel so good"

"Are you hurt?"

"I'm…" she saw an SUV driving toward her when the lightheadedness hit and in a split second she'd fainted, collapsing there on the side of the road. The phone tumbling from her hand and into the grassy woods as the driver came to a stop and got out of the car.

"Baby girl? Liv? Liv talk to me… LIV?" Fin yelled into the phone.

"Holy shit!" The young man exclaimed as he looked down at the unconscious woman on the ground who was soaked to the bone from the rain. From the parts of her that were exposed, he could see that she was covered in cuts, bruises and scars even to her face. he knew that something terrible had happened if she was out here like this in nothing but a thin nightgown. He quickly went back to his car and grabbed a blanket from the trunk, covering Olivia with it before he lifted her in his arms and lay her across his back seat before climbing back into the driver's seat.

"Don't worry, I'm gonna get you to the hospital, the nearest one is a couple towns away but we'll be there in no time. Please be okay." He prayed before speeding off down the dark road.

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**Soooooo… talk to me. Who saw the Bronwyn twist coming?**


	15. Salvation

**I love you all so much! The reviews are overwhelming and I can't put into words just how awesome that makes me feel. A lot of you wondered if the good Samaritan was actually a good Samaritan, well, we find out in this chapter and we also get some back story on Lewis's family and what went down in the past. Not much else to say except that we pick up where we left off and I hope you guys enjoy!**

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_**Summer, 1983**_

_**Wallins Creek, Harlan County, Kentucky.**_

_Inside the tiny house on Jesse's Creek Road that sat contentedly amidst the trees, six year old William sat in front of the old black and white television while eating a boloney sandwich, seemingly oblivious to the screaming and shouting that came from the tiny bedroom. His mother and father were fighting again but this was nothing out of the ordinary. He'd just go about watching his program until the fighting escalated to the good part, the part where his daddy would begin beating his mother. For him, it was better than anything he could ever find on TV. His daddy was his hero; so big and strong, everybody in the whole town was afraid of him, especially his mother. _

"_Stupid girl!" Billy laughed when he heard his mother begin to cry as he heard his father strike her and he quickly ran to the bedroom door, cracking it just enough to get a peek inside and watch as his father viciously beat his mother, not stopping until she finally gave in and told him where she'd hidden the rent money. The very second he had it in his hands, he slapped her again across the face, knocking her to the floor._

"_Next time, I won't be so nice about it you stupid bitch!" he said before delivering a swift kick to her face with his large boot-clad foot then storming out of the bedroom._

"_Here boy, buy yourself some candy" he said to young William , looking down and handing him a whole dollar. Billy had never had so much money at one time before._

"_A whole dollar! Thanks Daddy!" Billy exclaimed excitedly. His father smiled before leaving the house and going to the bar down the road._

_Inside the bedroom, Johnnie Lee pulled herself up from the floor and was mortified to see Billy standing in the doorway watching her._

_She'd been planning to run for over a year now but she never quite put a plan into motion. All she knew was that she needed to get out, get away from him because she knew that if she didn't, one day he would kill her. _

_She'd given up her dreams for him. Ffter high school she wanted to go to the Jenny Lea Academy of Cosmetolgy, earn a degree in hair and makeup and maybe one day get out of Wallins Creek but then she got pregnant with William at only 16 and had to drop out of high school. She had been the only person in her family to have made it as far as the eleventh grade._

_They got their own little place just off Jesse's Creek Road. Harlan had always been forceful but he became downright cruel once William was born and she became afraid of him. She watched as he corrupted their son, taught him how to be just as evil, controlling and unforgiving as he was and now at the age of six, her son was a miniature version of his father; a tyrant. William takes pleasure in hurting people and animals, he'll go after anything weaker than he is and his father praises him for it._

_Now, at the tender age of 23 she feels like an old woman. Yes, she had been planning to run for over a year now but never had the nerve, but a month ago she found her nerve when she discovered that she was pregnant again and she knew that there was no choice, she couldn't bring another child into this hell, couldn't allow Harlan to corrupt it like he'd corrupted Billy. It was already too late to save her son from his father but she could give this baby a chance. _

_In anticipation of fleeing, she had been saving for over a year by stashing away a few dollars here and there from the tips she got from waitressing at Homer's diner – her night job over in Cumberland and even though she had no clue when she'd go, she stashed the money faithfully, sometimes as much as five dollars in a single night! _

_She vowed that this beating would be her last as she looked at her bloodied face in the mirror and after cleaning herself up, she took the money from its hiding spot – eight hundred and thirty seven dollars, surprising even herself that there was so much and told herself that instead of going to work, she would leave tonight and while Billy had run off to the general store to spend his dollar, she packed a bag and put it on the floor of the old pickup truck in preparation for her escape then wrote a note for Harlan that consisted of seven words:_

"_The trucks in London at the grayhound._

_JL"_

_... ... ..._

_Minutes before Billy's sitter arrived, Johnnie Lee looked at her son who again sat planted in front of the TV; she wanted more than anything to take him with her and try to fix the damage that his father had done but Billy was Harlan's pride and joy and if she took his son he would hunt her down to the ends of the earth and there was no doubt in her mind about what would happen when he found her. _

"_William, come say goodbye to momma" she called in her small voice from where she sat on the old, outdated sofa. William sighed, rolling his eyes a being interrupted before he reluctantly got up and went to his mother who lifted him onto her lap and hugged him tight, kissing his cheek as a tear slid down her own._

"_Goddamn it, momma, quit!" he protested as he fought against her embrace all while his attention remained on the program he had been watching._

"_Billy look at me" she ordered him in as stern a voice as she could muster. Again, the boy sighed and fixed his gaze n his mother._

"_What?"_

"_I made your favorite for dinner"_

"_Pasketti?" he asked, his face lighting up as he flashed a big, toothless smile. Johnnie Lee couldn't help but laugh even in spite of the fact her heart was breaking at saying goodbye to her son._

"_Yes"_

"_With meatballs?"_

"_A course silly, what's spaghetti without meatballs?"_

"_Thanks momma!" and for the first time in months, he hugged her and kissed her cheek. she put her arms around him and squeezed him tight against her, her eyes filling with tears that she tried not to cry but the tears won and fell in endless torrents. After a moment, she pulled away and stared at her son, memorizing every inch of his face – though she didn't need to._

'_What are you cryin for woman?"_

"_I'm cryin because I love you and no matter what, I don't ever want you to forget that, you hear me?"_

"_Okay. Can I go eat now?"_

"_Not yet. I got somethin for ya" she said as she reached under the sofa and pulled out a box that was wrapped in bright blue paper._

"_A present?" he never got presents just because and this was exciting._

"_It's for ya birthday next week but I won't you to have it now. Go head, open it." he didn't waste time tearing the paper from the box and when he saw the gift underneath, his little eyes went huge and he thought he'd faint. It was the one thing he wanted in the whole world_

"_HE-MAN AND BATTLE CAT? THANK YOU MOMMA!" he cried as he threw his arms around her, deciding in that moment that he loved her as he buried his face in her long, thick red hair; never having noticed before how pretty it was. Johnnie didn't want to ever let the moment end but she knew that she had to for the sake of her unborn child._

"_Don't ever forget that momma loves you" she cried "and don't ever forget me!" she kissed him one last time before letting him go. "Okay, your plate is on the table in the kitchen. Why don't you take your dolls with you while you eat?"_

"_They ain't dolls, only girls and faggots play with dolls, dummy!" he said with total nonchalance as he skipped off to the kitchen with his toys just as his sitter, Johnnie's very blonde and very buxom but not-so-bright 16 year old cousin Maddie entered the house dressed in her usual of too-short shorts, and a too-tight wifebeater with no bra that was cut too high and left nothing to the imagination._

"_Maddie, I wish you wouldn't dress like this around Harlan, if he decides he wants what you advertizin, it's your own fault!"_

"_You sound like momma!" she said, rolling her eyes. Johnnie had no idea that Harlan had long ago noticed her young cousin, she'd begun developing that bombshell body at twelve and by thirteen, Harlan couldn't keep his eyes or his hands off her and took her virginity two months before her fourteenth birthday while Johnnie was in the hospital with pneumonia._

"_You should listen to yer momma! Anyway, William is in the kitchen eatin – let him have as much as he wants, same with dessert; ice cream until he don't want it." she pulled Maddie in for a hug. "Take care yerself" she said as she headed for the door, stopping to take one last look at the place she called home before she left and got in that old pickup truck to head into her new life._

_... ... ..._

_It took her almost two hours to drive from Wallins Creek to the Greyhound station in London. She probably would have driven faster had her eyes not been so blurry from the tears she cried the entire way there. She arrived and bought a one way ticket to New York City and she never gave leaving a second thought._

_She arrived in New York and tried to look for work in beauty salons but this wasn't like back home and without a cosmetology license, the most they'd let her do was sweep up hair for a few dollars a day and with her savings quickly dwindling, it just wasn't enough. She hadn't expected that New York city would be so expensive. She wanted to enroll at Robert Fiance Beauty Academy but tuition cost a pretty penny and she simply couldn't afford it. She needed a better paying job – preferably one that paid off the books since she couldn't risk using her social security number and have Harlan somehow track her down. _

_Money was tight and she was desperate. Now at almost three months pregnant she was famished all the time and spent a lot of money – way more than she meant to on food but was still hungry. She was thankful that approaching mid-September it was still quite warm so she didn't yet have to worry about winter clothes but she was getting bigger and what little she had barely fit anymore. She had to come up with something. After a month in the city, she had barely enough to afford another week in the run-down Times Square hotel where she'd been living and she was homesick to boot. This place was so unfriendly. It wasn't at all the dream she thought it would be. She hadn't made a single friend and all she wanted was someone to talk to. She couldn't call her family because they were afraid of Harlan and she knew that they'd tell him where she was. Johnnie just had no idea that he already knew about the pregnancy – a letter came from the clinic about her next appointment a week after she left. Harlan was livid and vowed to find her but by the time he did track her down over a year later, it was too late and she had disappeared again, this time never to be found._

_One day, six weeks after arriving in New York, feeling particularly depressed and homesick she was going about her duties and trying desperately to fight the tears that wanted to be cried. When a few would slip out, she'd quickly wipe them away before anyone could notice and continue working. When the day was done, she collected her pay from the owner and was about to leave when one of the patrons who was also leaving, stopped her._

"_Dear, are you alright?" the woman asked. _

"_Yes ma'am" She quickly answered _

"_Why am I disinclined to believe you?" the woman asked. Johnnie had no idea what that word meant_

"_Ma'am?" _

"_You look as if you could use a friend. I've been told that I'm a good listener. Hugette Freed" the woman said, extending her hand_

"_Johnnie Lee Lewis and I 'preciate it ma'am but it wouldn't be my place and I need this job" Johnnie was sure that she didn't make eye contact with the woman she considered above her station._

"_Your place? Nonsense "How much are they paying you here?"_

"_Thirty dollars a day"_

"_How do you live on that?"_

"_I make due"_

"_You seem like n earnest young woman"_

"_Yes ma'am. My momma raised me to be"_

"_And it shows." The woman smiled "What if I were to offer you a position working for me? I was looking to hire a new personal assistant/housekeeper and you seem like an excellent candidate."_

_Johnnie and the woman left the salon together, she took Johnnie out for a hot meal and Johnnie ended up telling the woman everything about her life, including the details about how she landed in New York and the baby. Hugette was sympathetic to the young woman. Though she never had children of her own she was always a very nurturing person and her heart ached for Johnnie. _

_Johnnie ended up accepting the position Hugette had offered her that had turned out to be live-in and the two women became good friends, such good friend that Johnnie made a decision that would affect Hugette's life in a major way and decided to give the baby up for adoption, asking Hugette and her husband Carlton if they would like to become parents to her child. She needed a clean break from her old life and though she wasn't able to save William, she could give this baby a chance at a better life and that was exactly what she did. _

_Early March of the following year, Johnnie gave birth to a 7 pound baby girl who's hair was the same beautiful red as hers. Carlton and Hugette named the child Bronwyn Evelyn Freed. At Johnnie's request, Hugette pretended to be pregnant while Johnnie hid her condition so that everyone would think that Hugette had given birth to the baby. It was to protect the baby, Johnie Lee explained. A month after Bronwyn was born, Johnnie Decided that it was time for her to move on. She had managed to save every penny she made while working for the Freeds – almost seven thousand dollars which was more money than she'd ever seen in her life!_

_Hugette and Carlton, feeling indebted to Johnnie Lee, decided to give her the help she needed to make a fresh start. Carlton had a lot of powerful friends in very high places and pulled a few strings to get Johnnie Lee a whole new identity complete with a new name, social security number, birth certificate, fingerprints, passport and driver's license – everything she would need to start over anywhere in the world she chose to go including a bank account with two hundred and fifty thousand dollars in it, in her new name and all hers._

_Johnnie Lee Lewis had officially ceased to exist. After changing her name she moved to Los Angeles, dyed her hair, took elocution classes to lose her accent, went back to school and carved out a real life for herself, never looking back to the one she left behind._

_... ... ..._

_It would be years later that Harlan would find out that Johnnie hadn't disappeared with their child. It was after Bronwyn got involved with William through a prison pen pal website and William sent her to find him. Bronwyn told Harlan all about herself and her family but he had to make sure that she was trustworthy so he ran a background check and found out that she's been adopted. Curiosity got the better of him and he dug deeper, getting hold of the adoption record and original birth certificate and seeing the name of his darling ex wife as her birth mother and that's when he came up with the plan to get his hands on Bronwyn's money… If only they had thought to change her name before the birth._

_She and William made plans to marry but when he died before they could get things in order, Harlan convinced Bronwyn that it would be what William would want and that together, the two of them would make Olivia pay for William's death and in the process, create another William that Bronwyn would raise as her own child. Bronwyn wanted more than anything to carry Harlan's child herself but Harlan, not wanting to reveal the truth about their connection, convinced her that it had to be Olivia since she was the one responsible for his loss when the truth was, since she'd come into his son's life and William had kidnapped her, Harlan had been lusting after Olivia but now he had a perfect excuse to do to her what he'd planned to do all along._

* * *

_._

After leaving Brian's apartment, Rollins arrived back at her own place, stripping off her clothes the second she walked in the door and leaving a trail all the way to her bathroom where she jumped into a hot shower.

After she was done she pulled on a tank top and panties before grabbing the files she had been working on, along with her laptop and climbing into bed she opened her laptop and opened chrome while she perused through the folder that had the info she'd collected on Bronwyn; her marriage license, bank deposit and withdrawal receipts and a picture of her husband, sheriff Holmes. She picked up the picture of the man; he was considerably older than Bronwyn and Amanda wondered if he had any idea about the woman he had married. Amanda shuddered. There was something so eerie about the man in the photograph; he reminded her of something… someone she couldn't place and it had been gnawing at her for a couple days now.

"I gotta figure this out" she said as she dropped the picture amongst the other photos and documents in the folder just as she was alerted that she had email. She sighed, upset when she saw what the email was and who it was from. The files she's requested from Tennessee and Kentucky about Harlan Lewis had come through and she never got the notification on her phone.

"That's technology for ya!" she sighed as she opened the emails, reading apologies from both clerks and then downloading the attached files. She began reading through the Kentucky file first. This file detailed the criminal charges that were pending against Harlan Lewis back in Wallins Creek. She skimmed through the file, deciding that she'd go over it thoroughly tomorrow when she was more alert.

She continued clicking through, stopping when she came to his mugshot. That got her attention and she zoomed in on the picture; there was something so familiar about him but how? She sat there for a long moment just staring at the picture on her computer screen, those eyes…the slope of his nose…that smirk…

"OH my god!" she cried, the realization hitting her like lightening. She began digging , desperately through the files that sat in front of her on the bed until she found what she was looking for and when she found it, the most awful pang of dread began twisting her insides as she stared at the picture of Sheriff Holmes, Harlan Lewis didn't die in that accident in Pigeon Forge Tennessee. Harlan Lewis was alive and well in Earl County Pennsylvania and there was now no doubt in her mind who had taken Olivia! She had been right all along, this had everything to do with Lewis!

* * *

.

"Olivia… Liv come on baby, say somethin!" Fin yelled into the phone and was quickly met with a dial tone "MUTHA FUCK!" he screamed as he hurled a chair across the squad room.

"Tell me you got the trace" he begged the officer who simply shook his head sadly before hanging it. fin let out a huge, pained growl as he punched his fist again and again against the top of his desk before his shoulders began shaking as he wept, his head down in defeat. The other officers were frozen, they had never in all the time they'd worked with the senior detective seen him come so completely undone

The squad room was silent for a long moment until the ringing of a desk phone pierced the quiet and one of the officers reached to answer it.

"Special victims unit, Det. Abrahms"

"Abe, Put Tutuola on…NOW!" Rollins demanded nervously, Abrahms turned to look at Fin. Detective Tutuola, it's your partner…it sounds urgent. Fin pulled his hand down his face and cleared his throat as he walked across the room and took the phone.

"Rollins…" he began, hating to tell her they they'd fund and lost Liv just that fast but Amanda cut him off

"Fin, I know where she is! We gotta call the officials in PA, get a team down to Earl but not the Earl squad"

"What, I don't…"

"Harlan Lewis is alive. He's the sheriff in Earl and he has Liv!"

"Shit! Call Nick I gotta get PA on the phone!"

* * *

.

After a 45 minute drive through torrential rain to get to the nearest hospital in Lancaster, Sam, the young man who had found Olivia finally arrived to the emergency room and quickly lifted her out of the car.

"Help…please…she needs help!" he cried as he ran into inside carrying a still-unconscious Olivia. he was scared to death and hoped that he had gotten her here in time, she hadn't wakened the entire drive here and he wasn't even sure in his frantic state that the woman was even still alive.

"Somebody DO SOMETHING!" he screamed just as a middle aged female doctor and a nurse came running toward them with a gurney.

"What do we got here?" the doctor asked as Sam lay Olivia atop the gurney and the nurse immediately began pushing back to the exam area with the doctor running alongside it, completely unnerved at seeing the bruises and wounds that littered Olivia's body; many of them fresh "Pulse is weak!"

"I don't know, I found her I was driving and she was just lying there in the road, she's hurt I…I put her in my car and got her here as fast as I could. She's been unconscious the whole time."

"And how long has it been?" the doctor asked as she stood over Olivia, opening her eyes to shine a light inside "Pupils are un-reactive" she said to the nurse

"I…maybe forty five minutes...an hour?" he answered, looking on as one nurse put a blood pressure cuff on Olivia's arm while another listened to her heartbeat

"Somebody beat the hell out of her" the doctor said as she felt her abdomen for signs of damage "we may be dealing with head trauma"

"Should I set up an x-ray?" one of the nurses asked

"Not yet, there's abdominal swelling present" the doctor replied as she turned to the male orderly standing by "get an ultrasound machine in here, she might be pregnant" Sir, I'm gonna need you to wait outside" she told Sam before ordering another nurse to get an IV tube into Olivia.

* * *

.

Meanwhile, at the home of judge Franklin Smythe in Lancaster. He was awakened at 4:30 a.m. by what sounded like his door being broken down. it took him five minutes to get out of bed and downstairs, shuffling to the door in the dark.

"I'm coming god damn it!" the chubby, balding older man yelled as he approached the door. Surprised when he flung it open to see what looked like the entire Lancaster PD standing outside his home, in the rain. "What the hell is this?"

"Sorry to disturb you sir" the chief of the department apologized "But we got a call from NYPD and we may have a very serious situation on our hands and time is of the essence."

"What's goin on?"

"Sir, we need a search warrant for Sheriff Holmes home and property out in Earl."

* * *

.

**I know how bad you all want that reunion scene, and I promise, next chapter.**


	16. Found

**Sixteen chapters in; wow! It seems like just yesterday I began this story and look at it, growing right before my eyes! As always, I thank you guys for sticking with me even when it was rough…not that the rough is over- far from it but you guys rock, and can't ever tell you that enough! So enough sap, let's jump in. dick owns his, I own mine. Enjoy.**

* * *

*****chapter contains rape*****

"So he's not who he's pretended to be all these years?"

"I'm afraid not. After talking to NYPD we do have every reason to believe that sheriff Holmes is in fact, Harlan Lewis, wanted in Kentucky for a series of rape/murders" Chief Arlow explained

"And now kidnapping a police sergeant. I never did trust that sonofabitch!" Judge Smythe grumbled.

"We already have enough to haul him in for questioning but we need to be able to search that house. Sergeant Benson got free long enough to call one of her colleagues but then the line went dead after only a minute. We believe that Holmes – Lewis caught her making that call and if she is in hat house, we need to get to her"

"God help that poor woman!" he quickly jotted his signature on the warrant and handed it back to the police chief.

"Thank you sir. I just hope it pans out!"

"Shit, if it doesn't, just shoot the bastard!" Smythe joked in all seriousness.

* * *

.

At Harlan's home, in the room where he'd held Olivia for the last three months, he'd managed to pull himself across the floor leaving a trail of blood and he now lay propped against the door, pale as a ghost and holding his severed penis in his hand as he called for help.

"Bron…" he said her name partially, barely a whisper before the blood that was filling his chest cavity forced him into another coughing fit as it forced its way out of his mouth and down his chin, the agony of the pain that tore through his chest indescribable but he was dying.

"I'll kill ya, ya useless cunt!" he murmured when his coughing subsided then quickly gave in to unconsciousness again. He'd been lying here like this like this for almost two hours. How he hadn't already bled to death was a mystery but if someone didn't get here soon, it would be lights out for Harlan.

* * *

.

Sam sat nervously in the waiting room waiting to hear something about the woman he'd brought in, his mind racing with scenarios of what could have happened to her that drove her out onto the road in a torrential downpour barefoot and wearing nothing but a thin nightgown . If the horrible bruises that covered her face, arms and legs were any indication, he knew that someone had been hurting her but whom? Had she come from the house that sat just off the road? If so, why had nobody come after her? Or had they? What if whoever she had fled from was out there, coming after her but changed their mind when they saw his SUV pull up? What if they had been right there all along, watching from the trees? Four a.m. is very dark outside, someone could have been right there, perfectly obscured in the darkness.

"But it doesn't make sense" he said to himself "The sheriff's house is just off that part of the road" and if the woman had come from there wouldn't he had seen her before at some point? The whole town consisted of less than 2500 people and everybody knew everybody but he'd never seen the woman before so where did she come from? And if she had in fact come from Sheriff Holmes's house, why was she there? Why was she so terribly beaten and why had she fainted? Had the sheriff done this to her?

"God, please, let her be alright" Sam prayed then took his phone from his pocket deciding that maybe he should call the police to help this woman.

* * *

.

Down the hall in their bedroom, Bronwyn was still fast asleep having been thoroughly sexually satisfied and exhausted by her father/husband. She lay in bed flat on her back, dead to the world and snoring loudly. She never heard Harlan's initial screams when Olivia took his member off, just as she hadn't heard the taps from the bedroom door down the hall as Harlan lay bleeding almost to death and weakly calling for help.

It was only the fact that she would get out of bed to take a trip to the bathroom that she even noticed that Harlan was gone. Jealousy immediately filled her, knowing that he had only gone one place and that was down the hall to _her! _Even on a night as special as this one had been, the night he'd taken her virginity, truly made her a woman, _his _woman, all he wanted was to be with Olivia. It was like the woman had Harlan under a spell of some sort.

"What will it take to break her hold on you?" she wondered aloud as she reached to wipe herself and winced at the pain down there. She'd torn pretty badly when he'd breached her hymen; she was still bleeding and decided to take a hot bath to ease the ache, deciding that if Harlan wasn't in their bed where he belonged when she finished, she would march down the hall to that bedroom and lure him away from that temptress.

"Maybe I _should_ help her get out of here…if only to get her away from my husband!"

... ... ...

A half hour later she was cleaned up and dressed in comfy pajamas and extremely disappointed to see that Harlan was still missing from their room.

"It's almost six a.m. and he'd rather spend the night down the hall than with his wife!" she was just about to make her way to Olivia's room when there was loud pounding on the downstairs door that caused the dogs to waken from their pens out back and begin barking viciously. Bronwyn hurried downstairs, not wanting to have the noise wake Harlan and decided that she would get rid of whoever was at the door, knowing it would only be one of Harlan's associates.

When she reached the door she went to reach for the locks and she immediately froze; none of them were locked. The door was shut but the locks were all undone and suddenly her mind began racing as the pounding continued on the door. Had Harlan done this? Had he been so drunk that he foolishly left the door un-secured? She would have to figure it out later; right now she had to get rid of whoever was outside but was utterly shocked to open the door and see more than a dozen police officers outside.

"Officers…this is unexpected. What can I do for you?"

"We're looking for Sheriff Lucius Holmes" the head officer said

"And you are?"

"Chief Peter Arlow, Lancaster Police department."

"I'm Mrs. Holmes"

"Good. We need to take your husband in for questioning and we have a warrant to search these premises he said as he and his team entered the house, handing her a copy of the warrant as they did.

"Questioning…Search… evidence for what?" Bronwyn asked nervously

"What we're looking for. Tell me ma'am, have you seen this woman? Arlow asked Bronwyn as he showed her Olivia's picture. "and if I were you, I'd think long and hard about what we might already know before I answered."

"My husband isn't here and I think I should call my attorney" Bronwyn said after a long pause

"Good. And while you're at it, you might wanna call one for your husband too! Koper, Feldman, why don't the two of you keep the misses company while we do our job. Do not let her out of your sights for even a moment!" the chief ordered

"Yes sir!" the two men answered in unison

"Okay fellas, I want half of you to follow me upstairs, two of you take the basement and the rest of you, start on this floor, you find even the tiniest thing, I wanna know about it!"

"Yes sir" sergeant Booth answered while Bronwyn, suddenly feeling sick, took a seat on the sofa, her face now ashen knowing exactly what they would find upstairs – at least she thought she knew what they'd find, she had no idea that Olivia was long since gone or the bloody horror that she left in her wake.

* * *

.

At the Lancaster police department, Fin had just pulled up and parked his car in front of the building, the rain still coming down in sheets. He was about to exit the car when his phone rang.

"Yeah Nick?"

"Are you there yet? Did you find her?" he couldn't hide the pained urgency in his voice. Ever since Fin told him that he'd talked to her, Nick felt like tearing down the world. Nothing mattered except getting to her.

"I just got to the police department, I'm not inside yet though. How far behind are you and Amanda?"

"We're about 45 minutes away" Amanda answered "But with the way this rain is comin down we might have to pull over and wait for it to let up; can't see a damn thing!"

"I'll call the minute I know anything, y'all be safe"

"Screw the weather! I'm gonna rely on a Hail Mary and hit the gas, we are not stoppin this car!" Nick said after ending the call.

"What if this all amounts to a dead end?" Amanda asked. "I know I've been the cheerleader all this time but I'm scared to death!"

"Considerin none of us are exactly cleared to be out of our jurisdiction or chasing a closed case…let's hope it doesn't."

"Liv's lucky" Amanda said wistfully. Nick, not understanding what she meant, turned and gave her a questioning look

"Oh God!" she exclaimed, mortified at realizing what it must look like she was alluding to "Not the…all of this. I just mean that she's lucky to have 3 men in her life who love her the way you all do"

"You love her too"

"I do. But you Fin and Brian…watchin you three these last few months it's been more than just us all freakin over her bein gone. It's like each of you lost a limb; the pain I just…I think it's beautiful to be able to love someone so deep. I can't even begin to imagine where she's been or what she's been through all these months but I do know that no matter what, it's that love that's gonna get her through it"

Nick had a pensive look about him as he fought the tears in his eyes.

"If she lets us… Buckle up. I'm either gonna get us there in 30 or die tryin!" he said as they sped down the road, siren blaring.

* * *

.

In the E.R. Sam was now pacing the room, still waiting to hear news about Jane Doe. He'd already called the police who'd informed him that they were short-staffed at the moment and that since this wasn't technically an emergency, they would send someone to the hospital as soon as they could. Sam was just about to go grab coffee when the doctor appeared.

"You're still here?" she said, surprised to see him

"I didn't feel right leaving her alone. Is she awake?"

"Not yet. But she's stable and we've moved her to a private room. is there anything more you can tell us that'll maybe help with finding out who she is?"

"Nothing that I haven't already told the police…I'm sorry"

"You talked to the police?"

"I called them a little while ago, they don't seem to be in much of a rush to get here though"

"I think I can speed things up, I'm gonna need to insist that they get down here" The doctor said

"Good; I mean you saw yourself the condition she's in; someone needs to answer for doing that to her…is she gonna be okay?"

"Looks likeit. I'm hoping she wakes up soon so that she can help us find this monster. As badly as she's been beaten for so long… I need to go and make that phone call; excuse me.

"Doctor wait…I heard you say earlier that she might be pregnant, is her baby gonna be okay?"

"I'm really not at liberty to discuss any of this. Please excuse me." the doctor said before rushing off.

* * *

.

"Of course, Doctor. We're short-staffed right now but we'll send someone right out… You're welcome." Said the desk sergeant of the Lancaster police department before hanging up the phone and turning his attention back to Fin "The chief is out now with the squad searching Holmes' property as we speak" he informed him.

"When do we know if they find her?"

"These things take time, it could be a while. Hell, in this weather, who knows if they've even gotten to Earl yet? But if you wanna make yourself useful…"

"Doin…?"

"We just got a call from the hospital, doc at Lancaster Memorial is insisting we send somebody over right away. She's a ball-buster, that one! They got a Jane Doe…" Fin's heart began racing "unconscious, badly beaten. Doc examined her and it looks like she's been raped." He could feel his stomach tying itself in knots as his blood began to boil, he didn't know why but he knew; everything inside him was screaming, telling him that Jane Doe was Olivia and suddenly he was flooded with a million emotions all at once and trying to keep them under control. This could easily pan out to be just some random woman or girl but his heart knew, even as it was breaking, it knew!

"Right now all we got is a rookie to send over and he wouldn't know what the hell he's doing. You work sex crimes, maybe you could help him out, make sure he doesn't screw anything up."

"Let's go!" Fin said without second thought or hesitation.

* * *

.

Out at Harlan's place, while searching the upstairs rooms, Chief Arlow's radio came alive.

"Chief, it's Sweeney. I'm in the basement and I think you might wanna get down here" the officer said

"Have you found Benson?" Arlow asked

"You could say that"

"On my way" Arlow then turned to the other officers "finish up here" he said before turning to go downstairs.

... ... ...

Down in the basement, the two officers stood in a small room that had been locked and obscured by a false wall. Inside were several monitors that fed from cameras that covered the outside property and the rooms inside the house, but that wasn't what they found to be so disturbing. What turned the stomachs of the seasoned officers was the bookshelf that was filled with DVD recordings, all of them labeled "Olivia…" randomly, officer Sweeney took one from the shelf, the one labeled "Olivia, Group Therapy 1" and it literally made he and his partner physically ill to see the woman they were looking for pleading incessantly with Sheriff Holmes while he beat and dragged her across the room then stripped her of the nightgown she wore before throwing her onto a bed around which a group of no less than ten men stood waiting and immediately pounced on her, giving no concern to her screams and cries, all while Harlan encouraged that they "Fuck the shit out of her however they want, for as long as they want."

Chief Arlow hadn't even been in the basement a minute and had already ordered that the video be stopped when his radio went live again with the voice of one of the officers he'd just left upstairs.

"Yeah Chaney?" he answered

"Boss, you ain't gonna believe this" the man said disbelievingly

"She up there?" Arlow asked

"No, but _he _is...and I think he's dead!" Chaney answered, turned pallid at the macabre sight before he and his fellow officers; Sheriff Holmes, white as a sheet in a pool of his own blood with his severed penis gripped in his hand.

"Get CSU out here" Arlow ordered.

* * *

.

"Yeah, we'll meet you there. We're close… okay" Nick waited anxiously for Amanda to tell him what the phone call had been about

"They find her?"

"He dun know for sure but he wants us to go straight to Lancaster Memorial hospital. They got a Jane Doe, unconscious but he thinks it might be her, he's on his way there now."

"Unconscious? What the hell did that maniac do to her?"

"We really wanna ask that question? I didn't wanna give him false hope but I think it's time to call Cassidy. He needs to be here for Liv. She's gonna need all of us!"

* * *

.

"Harlan… oh dear god, please don't take him away!" Bronwyn screamed as she leaned over her husband's body, so distraught that she'd forgotten the ruse and openly called him by his real name.

"Ma'am the paramedics cannot do their job with you in the way!" Arlow warned as he and two of his officers pulled her away so that the paramedics could get Harlan out of the house and into the ambulance while Bronwyn continued screaming.

"I want that room swept for evidence! Get every one of those videos and every minute of footage that those cameras recorded and down to the station, and I want every last man in them identified and arrested. We clear?"

"Crystal, chief!" Sweeney answered

"And find Benson!" He yelled, his anger and disgust at the situation that happened right under their noses bubbling over.

"She did this! My Harlan was right, she's an evil whore!"

"Bronwyn Holmes, you are under arrest for conspiracy to kidnap, concealing a crime and aiding and abetting a wanted fugitive." Arlow seethed as he began cuffing her

"What?" She is the criminal here; look at what she did to my husband!" Bronwyn cried but Arlow paid no mind and went about arresting her as he hauled her out of the house

"You have the right to remain silent…"

* * *

.

At the hospital Sam had fallen asleep while waiting for news on the woman. He was determined that he wouldn't leave until he knew for sure that she would be alright. The silence of the empty waiting room was suddenly disturbed when his phone began ringing, jarring him from his half-sleep as he quickly reached into his pocket to retrieve the offending device, groggily staring at the display screen before answering.

"Yeah dad?"

"We haven't heard from you all night, your mother and I have been worried sick!" his father complained

"Oh, God…dad I'm sorry, I should have called. I've been preoccupied" Sam apologized as he ran his hand over his face and sat up straighter in his chair. "I kinda had a crazy night"

"Son are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just…" he noticed the uniformed officer enter with an older detective and head over to the desk "Dad, the police are here, I gotta go"

"Wait, the police? Samuel, what the hell is goin on?"

"A woman was hurt I brought her to the hospital and called the cops. I'll fill you in I promise but I need to go talk to them right now."

"You always were a good boy, Sammie!" his father said proudly

"That's because I learned from a good man, sir." Sam smiled, equally proud and hung up.

... ... ...

At his parent's home, his father looked at the phone receiver in his hand before he put it back on the cradle.

"We raised a wonderful son!" he said to himself as he snapped his rainbow suspenders into place before heading downstairs to breakfast.

... ... ...

"Are you guys here about Jane Doe?" Sam asked the officers upon approaching them while they waited to be helped at the empty station

"Who are you?" Fin asked as he looked the tall, stocky young man up and down.

"My name's Sam, I'm the one who found her and brought her in"

"I'm Detective Tutuola, this is officer…"

"Logan"

"Logan" Fin repeated. Sam, can you tell me if this is the woman you found?" he asked, showing a picture of Olivia on his phone

"She was unconscious so I can't say for certain, but it sure looks like her"

... ... ...

Upstairs in Olivia's room, she opened her eyes, disoriented and afraid, not recognizing her surroundings. She turned her head to see a woman sitting in the chair beside her bed.

"You're awake" the doctor said in her gentlest voice as she stood but Olivia cowered away, her eyes darting wildly around the room as she began breathing in shaky breaths.

"Am I safe?" she asked in a frightened whisper as tears filled her eyes "Where am I?" she shook as she gripped the covers, holding them tight to her.

"Yes, I promise, no one can hurt you. You're in a hospital"

"H-hospital? I don't…" she couldn't seem to stop shaking as the tears hat filled her eyes involuntarily began pouring down her face.

"Are you in pain?" The doctor asked

"I don't know" She sobbed in sad honestly. She was in such a state of shock and confusion, nothing was clear.

"It's okay. I'm Dr. Aimes but you can call me Carrie. Can you tell me yours? Do you remember?"

"I… my name is Olivia Benson" she wept "Did Fin find me, did he bring me here? Where is he?"

"Is Fin the man who hurt you, Olivia?"

"No. he's…"

"Doctor" The Nurse interrupted upon entering "I'm sorry but the police are here" she continued as the Officers entered the room behind her

"Fin!" Olivia cried weakly, unsure that her mind wasn't playing a cruel trick on her but when he rushed over to her and sat beside her, pulling her into his arms, she broke hard, wretched, guttural sobs that bordered on screams ripping out of her as she clung tight to him, tighter than she even realized she could and Fin held her just as tight, unable to believe that after all this time, she was here and she was safe, he had her in his arms.

"I got you baby girl!" he soothed as he rocked her, his own tears falling freely as her broken sobs continued. "It's okay now, I got you!" he promised. They seemed lost in each other, the rest of the world seemingly shut out. When the door opened again and Nick and Amanda stepped inside, they were both heartbroken to see her in such a state but it was joy and relief that had their own faces flooded with tears and Nick barely able to stand, seeing her there, alive and in front of him and in that moment he he felt more love for her than he ever thought possible.

* * *

.

**Lots of going on in the upcoming chapters; recovery will be a bitch, jealousy will rear its ugly head in terrible ways, emotional setbacks, unanticipated feelings will develop and that's just the beginning! **


	17. Dealing

**I rushed to get this chapter done because for some reason it felt like it had been a long time since the last one but then I just realized that it's only been 5 day and don't I feel stupid? Anywho, here we are, chapter 17 and I'm thanking the hell out of you all for reading! i love you guys, now let's jump in. Dick's is Dick's and Dee's is twisted. Enjoy!**

* * *

**.**

Olivia cried in Fin's arms until she'd exhausted her tears and no more would fall. Every emotion she had was raw and at the surface as she clung to him. Happiness, relief, disbelief and anger plus confusion and so much more. Everything rushed out of her all at once until there was nothing left and there in the arms of her oldest friend she allowed her cries to finally quiet and in pained whispers that begged him again and again _"don't leave, don't leave, don't leave…"_ She finally closed her eyes and let the sleep her tired mind and body so desperately craved take her under, but she was in a state much deeper than typical slumber.

Now, Fin, with Nick and Amanda sat at her bedside not having moved since they arrived and they couldn't find a thing to say between them, they just sat there in stunned silence as they watched her sleep. After three long months she was just a mere shell of herself. Nick was especially affected by watching her scream in Fin's arms without reserve. She couldn't talk, she just screamed in the most pitiful sobs he'd ever heard, sobs that broke his heart.

"_What the hell had happened to her?" _he wondered, they all did as they looked at her from where she lay, covered in horrible bruises. But that wasn't the most shocking. What pained them most was her gaunt appearance. She had lost weight, enough that her cheeks hand begun to take on an almost hollow look. They had no idea that she was with child and that the morning sickness has been quite brutal, often lasting all day and not letting her keep anything down - that was when she could actually manage to want to eat. Being viciously raped and beaten almost daily often left her without an appetite and she couldn't be bothered with doing anything other than lying still and praying for death.

"I'm just glad she's able to sleep" Fin said in a hushed tone, never taking his eyes away from her "No tellin the shit her mind is tryin to deal with"

Nick sat staring at Olivia, pure fire raging inside him. He sniffed back the tears in his eyes and swallowed the ones lodged in his throat that threatened to choke him before deciding that it was all suddenly too much and he stood up and stormed out of the room without a word.

"Amaro" Fin called after him.

"I got it"Amanda said as she got up and went after Nick, catching up to him as he delivered a blow to the wall with his fist, knocking a hole through it. "Nick…"

"I'll kill this bastard!" Nick vowed "So help me God, I will kill this son of a bitch for doing this to her!"

"He dun need to be our focus right now"

"Look at her!" he cried, the pain that was splitting him apart unmistakable in his voice. "I was the one that pulled her out of that house after four days with Lewis and that sick son of a bitch put her through it, but this?" he gestured toward her room "What kind of hell…?" he asked superfluously, unable to contain the angry tears that streamed his face. Amanda stood there, her own tears trailing her delicate features. She was at a complete loss for words and her heart was breaking.

"She… she's strong" she said almost inaudibly, offering the only words that would come

"Nobody is that strong and she's been stronger than any one person should have to be. You saw her in there, she broke, Rollins! Liv never breaks…no matter what, she puts on a strong face and she keeps going but that woman in there…that sick fuck broke her! He broke her!"

Sam approached Nick and Amanda with trepidation. The detectives seemed so intense, which was understandable but he wasn't sure how, or if they'd receive him at all. Especially after seeing the condition their friend was in; they probably weren't in the mood to talk to anyone outside their circle and it was completely understandable.

"Detectives?" he called in a small voice from where he stood a few feet away, causing Nick and Amanda to quickly turn around in his direction.

"…Sam, right?"Amanda said with a sad smile

"Yes ma'am. I'm gonna head home but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry about your friend and I'll be praying for a speedy recovery."

"Thank you Sam, that's very kind of you"

"When you found her… did she say anything?" Nick asked. Sam shook his head, the very memory painful for him..

"She was unconscious. Just lying there in the rain; no clothes, no shoes…"

"What?"

"She was in a nightgown, that's all. I'm sorry I can't be of more help but I told the police everything I know. I should get going, my parents have been worried sick." he said before turning to leave

"Sam, wait" Nick called "Is there a number where we could reach you? I know that when Olivia is…she'd want to thank you for what you did for her"

"Olivia. It's nice to be able to put a name to her; it's pretty. Uh, can I?" He gestured to Nick for his phone, Nick entered his lock code before handing it to him and Sam quickly entered his contact info.

"I'm leaving my cell and my parent's house. I'll be there for the rest of the summer until I go back to school next month." he said as he gave the phone back to Nick

"You're a hero, Sam" Amanda said. Both she and Nick were relieved that he had been the one to find Olivia. Who knows what might have happened if it had been someone with ill intention?

"Nah. She needed help and I helped; I didn't do anything that anyone else wouldn't have done" he said before he walked away. Nick and Amanda were touched by his kindness and the fact that somehow, life hadn't jaded him and he still saw the good in the world around him.

"Man…" Amanda lamented as she watched Sam walk away. "Remember bein full of innocence like that?"

"Nope. Not the hand life dealt me" Nick said dryly just as Fin emerged from Olivia's room.

"She awake?"Nick asked

"Nah, I just needed to stretch my legs, return some calls. 1PP been blowing up my phone and I figured I should get back to them."

"'l'll go sit with her" Nick said as he turned to go back into the room and Fin looked up to see Chief Arlow coming down the hall.

"Chief Arlow" Fin greeted

"Detective. How is Sergeant Benson? Considering…."

"She's in bad shape but the doctor thinks she'll be fine– physically. Did you find Sheriff Ho- Lewis?" Fin asked, feeling ice in his veins at just the mention of that name again.

"We did, that's why I'm here. We found Holmes unconscious, nearly bled out. He'd been stabbed repeatedly and his uh…"Arlow paused as if the next part hurt just to think about. "Let's just say his genitals had been…reassigned"

"Say what?""Fin asked

"They were in his hand. Your Sergeant, she cut them off"

"Beg pardon" Amanda couldn't believe her ears.

... ... ...

Inside Olivia's room, Nick sat in the chair beside the bed while he gently held her hand between the two of his, talking softly to her sleeping form.

"What did he put you through?" he wept "If I could go back to that night I never would have let you leave without me; I should have insisted… I absolutely should have insisted on going with you! How could anyone hurt you like this? You are everything that's good about the world and I just don't understand..." He licked the tears from his lips "I need you to be okay, Liv. I can't breathe if you're not okay and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get you there!"

... ... ...

"So, what? You here to arrest her? Cuz ain't no way in hell I'm letting you do that!" Fin said angrily "If she did what you accusing her of, she had a reason!"

"I'm not here to arrest her. Holmes…he had the house wired with cameras, inside and out he recorded everything…in particular, everything that went on in the bedroom we found him in – the very bedroom that he kept your sergeant confined to."

"Lemme talk to you" Fin said "Manda, why don't you call and see what's keepin Cassidy" Amanda nodded as Fin and Arlow walked away so that they could talk privately. "We didn't know that the Jane Doe was my sergeant when your desk sergeant sent me here with Logan… the doctor who called it in said that she suspected that Jane Doe had been raped; was this…?"

"I don't know if you want the answer to that" Arlow said with a look in his eyes that should have made Fin back away from the subject but something in him had to know.

"I can handle it" he assured Arlow, steeling himself for whatever the man would say but he quickly found that nothing would or could prepare him for the words that came out of Arlow's mouth.

"Sergeant Benson… moments before she _cut _Holmes… He raped her." Arlow said sorrowfully while Fin just nodded, staring at the floor, unable to do more with his heart cracking down the middle "It wasn't the first time. We found literally dozens of recordings that span the three months she was in that house…it's gonna take us weeks to go through them all but from what we've seen so far, the videos… she's been repeatedly, brutally raped and just as brutally beaten and tortured. Sergeant Benson was in the clutches of a highly sadistic man and you should be thanking whatever god you pray to that she's even still alive!"

* * *

.

**Brian finally arrives next chapter. Liv wakes up from her...whatever she's in, Nick loses his temper and we check in on Daddy and Daughter.**


	18. Broken

**Chapter 18; not gonna take much time here, just wanna thank all of my readers for being awesome… you guys got me past 300 reviews and I can't tell you how much your comments and feedback means to me. To my ghost readers, I would love to hear from you too, so please don't be shy. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters and I own the conglomerate of fuckery that is Harlan Lewis. Enjoy!**

* * *

*****Chapter contains rape*****

**.**

"Honey, Sheriff Holmes is on the news…" Grace Taylor called to her husband. Doc immediately came to join his wife in the family room of their modest Victorian where she sat in an armchair in front of the television.

"_In a turn of events that can only be described as shocking, Earl County Sheriff Lucius Holmes was found injured in his home and, along with his wife, Bronwyn Freed, was arrested on charges of Kidnapping and imprisonment in relation to the abduction of NYPD Sergeant, Olivia Benson who went missing from New York City three months ago this past April…" _the woman reported from where she stood in front of Harlan's home.

Suddenly a picture of Olivia, dressed in uniform blues appeared on the screen and Doc felt his stomach fall out of his ass while his face became ghostly white. _"Holy Christ on the fuckin cross! She's a goddamn cop? We raped a cop…this sick fuck let us rape a fucking cop…let ME rape a fucking cop FOUR TIMES?!"_

"_It is reported that Sergeant Benson had managed to escape before Lancaster police raided the home this morning and that Holmes was found castrated and near death inside the very room where he'd kept the woman hostage for the last three…" _Doc grabbed the remote and turned off the television.

"I… I don't believe this, I mean, Lucius? This is sick; why would he…" Doc stammered. It took everything in him to force a façade of calm. "That poor woman…if I had known…"

_I KNEW it was too good to be true…and now she's gone; fucking hell!_

"I'm shocked!" Grace declared as she clutched at the pearls that dangled from her thin neck and above the scoop collar of the yellow shift dress she wore with the beautiful monarch butterfly print. "That man's been in our home a million times…we considered him a friend, I don't understand." She cried.

"I guess the old saying is right, you never can truly know someone" Doc said, shaking his head in mock disgust.

_What if Lucius talks? What if… Robert, get a hold of yourself, you heard the news lady, he's near death. He can't say shit!" _he told himself.

"That poor woman" Grace sympathized "What she must have gone through…" she said, sadly as she turned the television back on.

_Currently, the whereabouts and condition of Sergeant Benson are unknown but Lancaster police are very closely monitoring the situation and we will bring you more on this story as it develops. For news 12, I'm Megan Redd; Charles, back to you."_

"Honey, you've been to that house several times since April…"

"And I swear, I had no idea that he had anyone in there" Doc lied. "This just blows my mind!"

"I'm going to go and call the girls…we'll need to do something to help that poor woman…maybe a prayer circle…" she continued as she left the room and doc began nervously pacing, wondering what his next move should be. What if he was implicated in this? What if it came to light what they'd done? He knew that Harlan had recorded everything; it was his insurance to make sure that no one involved would ever try to reveal what went on in that house... what they did to that woman.

"People wouldn't understand" he said to himself under his breath, so lost in his own thoughts that he didn't hear the door open and Sam come inside.

"Wouldn't understand what?" The young man asked his father

"Son, I didn't hear you come in" doc said as he made his way over to his son and hugged him, kissing his cheek. "I was just saying that people won't understand all this mess with Sheriff Holmes"

"You mean that lady cop?" Sam asked as he took a seat on the sofa

"You heard?" Doc asked

"I…yeah, it's all over the news."

"That poor woman, they say her whereabouts are unknown"

"No, she's safe"

How would you know that, son?" Doc asked nervously

"Turns out, the woman I told you about, the one that was hurt? "

"It was her?" Doc suddenly felt as if he were having a heart attack.

"Yeah. Broke my heart; she was just lying there in the road"

"Did she say anything about…?"

"She didn't say anything; she was unconscious…she was still unconscious when I left the hospital"

"Then how do you know?"

"The cops are here from New York City - friends of hers. Not sure how it all connected but thank god they're here. From the looks of her, Sheriff Holmes hurt her really bad. I overheard the police say she was… _raped_." He said in a pained whisper as if the word itself was too horrible to even be spoken.

"What kind of man does that?" he angrily asked his father as he rose from his seat and began walking the room to quell the contempt he felt for the man he knew as Lucius Holmes.

"Now son..."

"No, Dad! Look, I know you raised me to not judge but any man that does that to a woman… beats her and forces her to…" he bit his lip to stop the tears in his eyes "He's not human! He's an animal and needs to be put down like one! I just thank god her friends are there, nobody will get close enough to hurt her again!"

* * *

.

No matter how hard he tried to not let it affect him, Fin was sickened at what chief Arlow had disclosed to him about what had been done to Olivia in Harlan's home though he had no idea why he was so shocked to hear it. Just the fact that she had been abducted and was still alive after three long months, Fin knew the moment he'd heard her broken voice on the other end of the phone early this morning. He just didn't want to believe that it had but now, to have it confirmed…everything in him wanted to find Harlan and beat him to death with his bare hands!

He couldn't tell Nick and Amanda what he knew – there was no question about that. It wasn't his place and he honestly didn't believe that they could handle knowing. Still, he was well aware that it wouldn't remain a secret. There were recordings, the press was already camping outside the hospital trying to get a scoop on the NYPD Sergeant that her own department had all but left for dead and now has miraculously resurfaced… when the news of who Sheriff Lucius Holmes really is comes to light, that's when the circus will really begin. They had to protect Liv as best they could, for as long as they could.

The Mayor would be sending the NYPD crisis team in an attempt to get in front of the situation before it had a chance to spin out of control and Fin couldn't help but laugh knowing that just like with Lewis, this was nothing more than an attempt to cover their own asses and make sure that Olivia wouldn't blame the department and make disparaging remarks. Little did they know, Olivia was in no condition to do anything; she's so traumatized by what she's been through, Fin isn't even sure how much of her is actually still there and suddenly there it is again, the anger he's been fighting since he first heard her voice on the phone and then lost the call. The anger that only grew hotter when they discovered just what they were dealing with with Lewis. Fin was turning to go back to Olivia's room when his phone rang yet again. He gave a tired sigh, determined that if it was anyone from NYPD he would ignore the call. He was already fed up with their bullshit and couldn't bear to have more shoveled his way. Taking the phone from his pocket, he looked at the display and swallowed hard at the name he saw on the screen, unsure what to even say to the man but he knew that this was one call he couldn't ignore, knowing that the man had been just as devastated with worry these last three months as the rest of them had and so it was with a nervous deep breath that he answered as he walked off in search of someplace private.

"Captain, hey…"

... ... ...

Amanda had just come back from taking a much-needed smoke break outside in order to calm herself before returning to Olivia's room. She was trying to be strong and keep it together for Fin and Nick but it was all starting to take its toll and she wasn't sure how much longer she'd even be able to hold herself together. She had rounded the corner to the empty nurse's station and stopped to take a breath when Dr. Aimes approached.

"Detective Rollins"

"Yes ma'am?" Amanda answered forcing herself to appear more bright eyed and sound more chipper than she felt.

"I was just on my way to examine Sergeant Benson and I was wondering if uh…" she stammered, looking through the information on her tablet that contained Olivia's medical information. She knew that she had seen a name listed for emergency contact when file had been sent from New York City, she just had to find the document where it was lis…

"…Detective Cassidy was here?" she asked having found what she was looking for. After their breakup, Olivia had forgotten to remove Brian as her emergency medical contact and proxy.

"Uh, no but he is on is on his way"

"Would you have me paged when he arrives? I have some things I need to discuss with him"

"Yes ma'am…doc?"

"Yes?"

"She…Olivia…I mean, she'll be alright, won't she?" Amanda asked, her brave façade crumbling and every bit the heartache and worry on her face and in that question.

"Physically… she'll be fine in no time. I'm sorry detective; I really need to check on her."

"Yeah I… thank you doctor Aimes"

Thank you" the older woman smiled before turning to leave. Amanda looked around nervously before she began fidgeting with her phone, just needing _something_ to keep herself preoccupied and began scrolling through her messages when she heard the elevator doors open and looked up to see Brian step off and into the corridor, spotting her before she had a chance to speak.

"Rollins!" he called, relieved to see a familiar face as he rushed over to her. His eyes were red-rimmed and puffy; she knew that he'd probably cried the entire drive here.

Brian had developed a tough exterior over the years but the truth is, he's still that same sensitive guy who's head-over-heels for Olivia and she remains, even all these years later his weakness. When he got the call saying she'd been found, every emotion he had went to the extreme all at once and he was a complete mess. He was at home when he'd gotten the call from Rollins and he was thankful that it was his day off because all he could do after hanging up the phone was to sink to the floor and cry like a baby for over an hour. Relief had literally immobilized him but then when he'd finally managed to peel himself off the floor and get himself into the car, his mind was flooded with 'what if?' scenarios and it drove him crazy, pushing the floodgates open again. His tears with the torrential rain almost sent him flying off the road several times but he made it here in one piece, finally. But stepping into the hospital, knowing that he was so close to being able to see her, to touch her; possibly hold her in his arms and be able to comfort her and give her all the assurances that everything would okay…

"I was starting to think you had an accident"

"No I… just caught traffic. Where is she?"

"You'll have to wait, the Doctor is in with her; she's been waiting for you to get here, Liv still has you listed as her emergency contact"

"How is she?" he asked, prompting Amanda to hang her head and shake it before forcing herself to look up at him.

"Trapped in a nightmare with a monster for three months… but she's alive"

"Oh god!" he could feel the sick rising again.

"You gonna be okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, I… listen, about last night…" he began, neither of them noticing that Nick had come down the hall and was standing less than 10 feet away from them.

"Brian, I told you, it's done. Don't okay?"

"I feel like I took advantage"

"Well, you didn't, so don't." she assured him.

"I just, I wanna be sure that, you know…"

"Olivia doesn't find out?" she finished. Just the fact that he would feign concern for her when all he really wanted was her silence; silence he didn't need to ask for because there was no way she would ever tell Olivia or _anyone_ what happened between them. She knew it was callous but as far as she was concerned, the very second he pulled out and she'd cleaned herself up it was a non-issue, an indiscretion that she would bury along right along with a host of other secrets she would take to the grave.

"I don't want her to be hurt any more than she already has. She and I aren't together, I know this and if it were a stranger… but you and she are close…"

"You don't think I know this? If all you wanted was to know that I would keep quiet; that's fine, but don't you dare pretend to give a shit about how I feel just to cover your own ass!"

"Amanda…"

"And for the record, I would _never_ do anything to hurt that woman! She's been part of the only real family I ever had and while I admit that I fucked up by sleepin with you last night, all it was was what it was – we slipped up! You think I would throw that in her face?"

'I didn't mean…"

"You're an ass!" she spat as she turned to leave, shocked beyond everything to come face to face with Nick who was absolutely livid.

"Nick, I…" she began in an attempt to assuage his anger with an explanation but he was having none of it and put up his hand to silence her.

"No." He refused to hear it as he made his way over to Brian who still didn't know he was there, tapped him on the shoulder and when Brian turned around, Nick sent his fist flying at Brian's face, hitting him so hard that he knocked him to the floor with one punch.

"You son of a bitch!" he yelled

"What the hell is your problem?!" Brian held his hand against his jaw to stop the throbbing

"What's my problem? Liv is gone, god knows what was being done to her and all you can think about is taking advantage of Rollins? Get up!"

"He didn't take advantage of me, Nick!" Amanda yelled, getting in between the two men as Brian got to his feet.

"You defendin him?" Nick asked

"I'm not defendin anybody! We had a moment of bad judgment and it's over! When are you gonna realize that I'm a big girl and I am more than capable of takin care of myself? Damn it, Nick!"

"Alright I'm sorry, but this guy is a dick!"

"And you knockin him on his ass won't make things better! What if Liv had been awake and heard? You gotta control yourself!"

"I step away for a few minutes and you kids actin up?" Fin said as he entered the area "Don't make me take off my damn belt!" he yelled. The three bickering adults grew quiet, suddenly feeling like foolish, petulant children in the wake of their outbursts.

"We're here for Liv" Fin continued "Whatever drama y'all got goin on, I don't give a shit but not here, not now and if you can't put it aside then get the hell on cuz Liv don't need it! We clear?"

"Yeah man" Brian agreed

"I'm good" Amanda mumbled

"Me too" Nick murmered even lower.

"Good. Why is nobody with Liv?"

"The doctor's in there checkin her out. I'm gonna take a walk!" Nick said before storming off.

"Me too!" Amanda said, suddenly needing to get out again.

"Lemme guess" Fin said, tuning to Brian "You too?"

"Nah man, I'm good!" he assured Fin as he patted him on the back.

* * *

**.**

In Lancaster, Chief Arlow had come back to the station after his talk with Fin, deciding that getting a statement from Olivia could definitely wait in her current condition and now had the task of dealing with Bronwyn, who sat in a holding cell.

"You know, you can make this easier on yourself and just plead out. When Sergeant Benson wakes up and gives her story about your part in all of this..." he reminded Bronwyn, but she wouldn't budge. She was smart and knew that no matter what happened, Olivia would remember that their last conversation had been Bronwyn offering to help her and that it was because of her telling Olivia about the locks, the road and giving her back the scalpel that she'd even managed to escape in the first place. Even if she hated the woman and would make her pay for what she'd ultimately done to Harlan, Bronwyn knew she had everything she needed to beat this rap and wouldn't give herself up.

"Tell you what, how about we wait for my lawyers to get here and then you can watch them laugh in your face when you offer them that deal. But until then, I say nothing." She stated in her usual calm manner.

"Well, Miss Freed…or do you prefer Lewis? I hope you have Damn good attorneys!"

"I do, and I pay them quite well for their expertise, thank you... I'm parched. Might I trouble you for something to drink?"

"I'll have some water brought to you."

"And I'll be needing my one phone call. I have to call the hospital to check on my husband."

"In a nutshell, they took him by helicopter to Philadelphia where they are now attempting to reattach his severed penis. The Feds have already shown up and upon completion of said surgery, he will be placed under arrest by the FBI for his crimes against Sergeant Benson as well as for having evaded the law for the last 18 years by faking his death… but that's child's play in comparison to the evidence we pulled from that house. The man you married is a deranged animal. And the fact that you stood by and did nothing while he repeatedly raped, prostituted and tortured a pregnant woman tells me that you are probably just as sick as he is and I pray to god that you both get what you deserve!"

* * *

.

"_Brian, is now a good time?" she asked anxiously as she held the phone against her hear. It was brutally cold that day and the last place she wanted to be was outside making yet another call to Brian but with prying eyes and ears all over the precinct, there was no chance of privacy happening and this couldn't wait._

"_Yeah, I have a few minutes, what's goin on? You never call me this much at work"_

"_We've never faced a situation like this"_

"_Situation…what are you talking about?"_

"_Look, I've been wanting to tell you all week but we're never home at the same time and the phone tag thing hasn't exactly worked out and I…"_

"_Liv, just spit it out"_

"_I'm pregnant" dead silence on his end "…I think"_

"_You think? What the hell does that even mean?" he asked impetuously, making no attempt to mask his disdain at even the thought that they'd made such a mistake._

"_It means that I'm late…very late" she was trying but failing at hiding the disappointment she felt at his attitude._

"_When will you know for sure?"_

"_I bought a test this morning" _

"_Okay, call me when you're done!" _

"_Bri-" but he had already ended the call. She sighed and hung her head, looking up again to see that she was suddenly back inside the squad room. It was late and she was alone. She picked up her bag and turned to leave when Brian appeared out of nowhere._

"_You take the test?" _

"_Brian! What are you…? Forget it. Can we talk about this at home, please?" she asked, turning toward the door then opening it and stepping out into the hallway except the hallway wasn't the hallway, it was the loft at the granary but she was alone and again tied to that table wearing the same clothes she had on that day. "Brian?" she called as her heart began pounding. She looked up and she could see him on the other side, still in the squad room and trying to open the doors to get to her but they wouldn't budge. _

"_Brian…Brian, help me!" She yelled frantically as she tried, to no avail to free herself from her shackles. Brian was shouting something to her but she couldn't hear him, yet she soon discovered what he was trying to say when she felt hands on her body… not just any hands, HIS hands. The hands that no matter how long she lived she would remember the way they felt on her, the way they would travel her body greedily, viviously._

"_Missed me, sunshine?" he whispered with a lick to her ear. She thought she would vomit. _

"_You're dead!" she told herself as she began to tremble, closing her eyes._

"_Does this feel dead to you baby?" he asked as he pressed himself against her backside letting her feel his erection as he began undoing her pants._

"_This isn't real…this isn't real…" she told herself, trembling even harder when she felt his hand slide into her panties and between her slit._

"_Oh, but this is very real!" he grinned, stroking her more fervently while she squirmed beneath him, looking over at Brian who was now throwing himself against the doors trying to break through to get to her. "No sense in fighting it sweetheart, you see... My Daddy told me what you like... "He whispered into her ear" _

"_S-stop!" she begged through her tears, gripping the table with white knuckles as she felt climax approaching_

"_Ohhh but you like it…I knew you were a nasty girl!" he said with a chuckle as he sped his pace, his fingers working her furiously "but don't worry, I'm just gettin you warmed up!" he let his fingers move faster and faster between her thighs and as she came she began weeping, collapsing onto the table._

"_That's a good girl!" he cooed with a kiss to her neck as he pulled his hand from her pants, his fingers glistening with her wetness. She didn't turn her head to look at Brian again, she just lay there sobbing._

"_Well, my job is done!" he announced before picking up the revolver from the table and bending down in from of her so that she could see him "don't forget how good I made you feel" he said then put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger causing a horrific scream to erupt from Olivia as blood and brain matter flew everywhere, drenching her face and clothes._

_She slowly stood up, her tears making trails through the blood on her face when suddenly her clothes disappeared and she was dressed in the white nightgown. Though her skin was still covered in Billy's blood she was now free from her restraints. She suddenly she felt a hand around her neck as Harlan lifted her into the air and slammed her down onto the table on her back._

"_You killed my boy, and I want him back!" he raged, pushing up her gown while she fought and screamed._

"_Freeze Lewis!" Murphy shouted as her squad ran into the loft, guns drawn._

"_Not until this whore gives me my boy back! Now come on sweetness, open up for Daddy" he seethed, managing to keep Olivia pinned down in spite of how hard she fought him and there, in the loft of the granary he began fucking her in front of her team. They tried to move but their feet were somehow stuck to the ground and they watched helplessly as he brutalized her_

"_HELP ME!" she screamed._

_... ... ..._

She shot upright in her hospital bed sobbing through terrible screams as she clutched at her stomach and began rocking back and forth, all while Brian looked on in complete shock before attempting to comfort her.

"Liv…babe it's okay!" he called to her as he put his arms around her.

"NOOOO!" she screamed, fighting him off and yanking her IV tube from her arm in the process "DON'T TOUCH ME…DON'T TOUCH ME!" she continued screaming, slapping him hard across the face, her nails leaving three bloody scratches across his cheek. She jumped out of bed, quickly stumbling and falling from the pain in her leg then crawling into the corner where she pulled her knees against her chest, covering her ears as her screams and cries prolonged.

"What the hell?" Nick yelled as he and Amanda ran into the room

"Brian, you're bleeding!" Amanda said

"She woke up screaming, I tried to calm her" Brian explained. He was completely freaked out! Even at her worst after Lewis, he'd never seen her like this.

"I'll get the doctor" Amanda said and ran from the room

"Liv…Liv you're alright" Nick said, trying to calm her but nothing seemed to get through, she was obviously somewhere far away.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She screamed louder then began rocking as she pulled at her hair from both sides of her head.

"I promise, no one will touch unless you want them to…see?" he said as he raised his hands.

"Nobody helped me…" she sobbed talking more to herself "So many people and nobody helped me" she hung her head and cried even harder, her frail body shaking.

"Liv please look at me" Nick begged as tears fell freely down his face, but she didn't; it was as if she couldn't even hear him. "I'm so sorry. I am so sorry that we couldn't do more to help you when you needed us. For as long as I live I will hate myself for not finding you sooner…" as if his words were getting through, she slowly raised her head and looked over at him

"…for letting you go to begin with, but I'm here now; we all are and we love you and we just want to help you…please let us!"

"Nick?"

"Yeah?"

"Why didn't you come for me?" the doctor and nurse stood in doorway, Fin and Amanda having begged for a moment to allow Olivia to calm down

"We tried Liv, I swear we tried to find you" Brian said from where he stood. She looked at him as if seeing him for the first time and her heart nearly burst.

"Brian…" his name fell from her lips in a whisper.

"I'm here babe" he slowly stepped closer to her, careful that he didn't move too fast and frighten her again.

"Brian!" she said slightly louder then dropped her head into her palms and began sobbing again. She didn't know how to be in his presence anymore – in any of their presence and she felt out of place and ashamed. When he was two feet away from her, he crouched down beside Nick.

"I was so afraid I'd never see you again." he whispered to her. "Oh God, Liv, can I touch you?" he cried. She didn't answer him, she just threw herself into his arms nearly knocking him off balance but once he had her, he held her tight as they cried in each other's arms.

"I wanted you!" she sobbed. her arms around his neck where her face was buried.

"I'm here, and I'm never letting you go again!" he swore, burying his face in her hair as he wept.

* * *

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**There you have it. Lot's more to come.**


	19. Ghost

**Chapter nineteen, I did it! So this chapter is a bit…crazier than I had hoped it to be; it totally took me in a direction that I did not see coming but the story gets what the story wants and the story wanted what it made me do. There are some flashbacks, which means there's rape and or violence so take heed. There's really not much else to say except thank you for being awesome readers and I hope you enjoy!**

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**.**

Nightmares. Every time she closed her eyes she was haunted by nightmares and every single time she would be jolted awake, terrified and screaming or terrified and disoriented, there was no amount of comforting that could help for longer than it took for the arms of exhaustion to pull her under yet again, thus repeating the cycle.

That night, she woke up to one that was immensely worse than all the others and this time when she woke up screaming she dragged memories with her that flooded her mind so hard and so fast, she was unable to even breathe while having another breakdown there in front of everyone and this time she wouldn't allow anyone near her at all except Fin; she clung to him screaming and crying and trembling while incoherently babbling things that made no sense. Nick, Amanda and Brian stood watching helplessly and in utter disbelief at what they were seeing. Fin ended up sending everyone out, telling them to go back to the hotel and get some sleep while he stayed the night with Olivia and held her the entire time. Eventually she gave in to sleep again and this time Fin didn't let her go once she did. He sat in bed with her in his arms all night while she slept and miraculously she managed to get through the entire night without another nightmare and slept peacefully until morning.

When morning did arrive, it brought with it terrible morning sickness. Her nausea had been present the day before but she'd somehow managed to not throw up but today it came back with a vengeance. When she woke up she almost freaked out before realizing that it was Fin she was laying on, feeling the nausea immediately and quickly got out of bed, limping to the bathroom just in time before her stomach mercilessly forced the vomit from her mouth and now, 15 minutes later she was still on her knees retching violently. That, coupled with her already bruised ribs and she was in sheer agony, sobbing in between heaves.

"Liv… you alright in there?" she heard Fin ask from the other side of the bathroom door.

"I'm okay" her voice was weak, shaky and in spite of her attempts to muffle her cries, Fin could her pained whimpers through the door.

"Baby girl I'm gonna get the doctor" she paused. The last thing she wanted was to be poked and touched again but the pain was so bad right now…

"Liv?" he called softly as if seeking her permission

"Okay…" she agreed, her voice small as she wiped her tears. She heaved again but this time nothing came up and she was thankful. There hadn't been any food in her stomach since she'd thrown up what little dinner she'd managed to choke down the night she'd escaped which meant that she was throwing up acidic bile and her throat burned horribly from it.

Gripping the sink for leverage, she pulled herself up, her legs shaky and flushed the toilet, quickly leaning over the faucet to rinse her mouth. When she straightened up, she wasn't aware of the mirror over the sink and for the first time in three months she saw her own face and she froze. She didn't recognize the person staring back at her; her right eye, black and swollen shut from the beating the night before, a prominent bruise and cut sitting on her cheekbone just below her left eye. Both of her lips were split and there were huge purple handprints on her neck in addition to her face being almost sunken in. Slowly, she touched her fingertips to her face and gasped as more tears fell .

She reached behind her and untied the strings on her hospital gown, allowing it to fall away to reveal her naked body and a sob ripped from her throat; there wasn't an inch of her that wasn't covered in bruises and cuts of varying degrees and she could see Harlan's handprints all over her skin - purple, black and blue. Her breasts, hips, waist, arms; her shoulders, neck and thighs. Even her small swell where the baby lay - all the areas he'd grabbed too tightly while he…

"_TAKE IT BITCH!" he grunted with punishing thrusts. He had her body pinned between himself and the bedroom floor, squeezing the very breath from her lungs, his large hands around her neck while he took her from behind._

"_Please…" she cried in a whisper, begging for breath and mercy but he withheld both, tightening his hold while increasing the brute force with which he slammed into her, no easy feat with the tension in her muscles that made it all the more painful for her._

"_You wanna breathe?" he whispered ominously in her ear "You let it feel good, and you cum! You cum good for Daddy or so help me god I will end you right now!"_

A knock on the door startled and pulled her from the flashback, send her stumbling backwards away from the mirror and into the wall. When her bare back touched the cool surface, it further frightened her and she nearly jumped out of her skin as a cry escaped her.

"Olivia?" Dr. Aimes called from the other side

"Go away!" Olivia sobbed as she sank to the floor.

"Liv…baby girl, open the door!" Fin cried "Please Liv" but by this point she had already begun tuning them out, already rocking herself, her hands covering her ears as she squeezed her eyes shut and tears ran in torrents down her face while she whispered again and again…

"_Please go away, please go away, please go away, please go away…"_

* * *

_._

"Yeah… we'll keep you posted" Nick promised Murphy before hanging up and putting his phone down on the counter where he and Brian currently sat, having breakfast in the restaurant across the street from their hotel.

"Murphy still bustin your balls?" Brian asked after a hearty sip of his coffee.

"Surprisingly, no." Nick responded with a sigh, irritated by Brian's presence and somewhat confused by Murphy's behavior. He and Murphy had no love-loss between them and he expected that even if he would give Fin and Rollins a pass, his commanding officer would have more than savored the opportunity to jump down his throat… "He's just concerned about Liv"

"Same with Tucker…" the two men continued eating in an uncomfortable silence, Nick glaring at Brian in between bites of food and sips of coffee until finally, Brian spoke up.

"Alright Amaro…" he said wiping his mouth with his napkin "Let's just get it over with"

"Get what over with?" Nick asked innocently before shoveling another forkful of his omelet into his mouth and taking a sip of coffee

"Look, I know you're upset about what happened with me and Rollins"

"I'm… not gonna talk about that" Nick said, jaw clenching and the silence resumed. "But I will say this: how the hell have you been acting so love sick, so concerned about Liv all these months, crying over the way you left things, so sorry that you let her go… sorry that you weren't a better man and then making promises that you would "do whatever it takes to make things right with her because she's your everything" while you're doin the horizontal tango with Rollins!"

"One time! It happened one time!"

"It shouldn't have happened at all!"

"I know that, but in the moment… look I'm not trying to excuse it"

"Aren't you? Cassidy I swear to god if you let your fuckery hurt Liv…she can't deal with anyone's drama right now"

"You don't think I know that?" Brian seethed "Were we not both with her yesterday when that episode happened? Both of us watching her cower in the corner and screaming from whatever the hell was in her head? Whether you believe it or not, I do love Liv and I do wanna make things right… I'm here for her."

Before Nick could respond, his phone rang. "Yeah Fin? …Alright… yeah, we're on our way"

"Liv?" Brian asked as Nick reached for his wallet

"Yeah…she's not good" the waitress came by with the breakfast and coffee to go that Nick had ordered for Fin

"Should we call Rollins?"

"She's…not too good herself right now. We should let her sleep." Nic said as he grabbed the bag then left the diner with Brian.

* * *

.

In her suite, Amanda was slowly falling apart and hadn't been able to stop crying since they got to the hotel last night and had eventually cried herself to sleep, not thinking that Nick or Brian could hear her but they had and when they got up and headed out to the hospital, she was simply too distraught to even pull herself out of bed and pretended to be asleep.

Now, still hiding out under the covers, she didn't know how she would go into the world today, or any day and be okay. How could she after watching the strongest person she'd ever known, completely fall apart. Olivia was her mentor in every way – even in ways that the woman herself didn't realize. Amanda had always looked up to Olivia, even as a wide eyed detective in Atlanta but since meeting her, it had grown into something more than just admiration, even though he woman intimidated the hell out of her; still does sometimes, she'd grown to love Olivia with all her heart and seeing her so broken, even in spite of trying to keep Nick's spirits up, it had proven to be more than Amanda could handle and now today she didn't know how she could face her again, how she could be strong and help her through when all she wanted herself was to curl up in a ball and die.

"You gotta do it, Mandy…you gotta get up and you gotta just do it!" she tried to pep-talk herself as she threw the covers off her head but her tears came quickly and there it was again, her stomach tying itself in a painful knot and she couldn't breathe as she tried with great failure to swallow the lump in her throat but it only resulted in sobbing that sent her sinking even deeper beneath the covers and letting out a huge, angry scream that she was glad neither Nick or Brian were around to hear as she wrapped her arms around herself and cried for the woman she loved like a sister.

* * *

.

"You are officially a hero for helping take down one of the biggest human traffickers in history, my man!" Agent Kent Brock said to his colleague as they prepared to leave the bunkers at Quantico after a two-month long debriefing upon their return from a three year operation that had sent them deep undercover and allowed contact with _no one _who wasn't a top FBI official. The two had been thankful that the mission was finally over and that they were now back on American soil.

"Yeah, but at what cost?" his colleague asked as he stared absently at the newscast on the television… today being the first time he'd actually watched TV in over three years. He had no real interest in what was being said and kept the broadcast muted "I don't know about you but I gave up everything for this mission an entire life and I don't know how much of it is even still there after all this time" he contemplated sorrowfully.

"Hey, part of the job right? Making sacrifices for the greater good" Kent tried to sound nonchalant but he felt the burn in those words. He had lost everything to this job a long time ago and knew the hurt that his partner would be in for at finding out that nothing about his life would be the same after this. They had been completely cut off from the world they knew for three years; in character 24 hours a day, seven days a week as ruthless, unscrupulous men, the only time they ever broke character was the 15 minutes every other Sunday night that they would be allotted to report what they had to headquarters while travelling Europe, Asia and the Middle East with the sick fucks they were trying to take down.

"The greater good…" he'd known what he was sacrificing. When the FBI had first approached him about being a part of this mission his wife had warned him that f he took it, their marriage would be over, she would take their son and divorce him and he had actually reconsidered it but then that day came when necessary action blew his world apart and he just needed to get away and nothing, not his wife's threats or _she, _nothing could stop him and so, without a word, he left. The word that was sent down to his captain was that he'd put in his papers and retired but even his captain hadn't known the truth, nobody did except 1PP and his wife but looking back, he wished every day that he had told _her _the truth instead of letting her think that he'd just walked away from her. He can't even imagine what that must have done to her. He'd known that he was her rock, the person she trusted most in the world and he destroyed that trust. Three whole years with no contact but not a day of those years went by where he didn't think about her, wonder if she was okay and pray that in time her heart would forgive him.

"You got plans now that it's over?"Kent asked

"Yep" was all he'd offered with his signature grin on his face. When they'd gotten off that plane two months ago, his very first thought was _her. _Things were already irretrievably broken with he and his wife and so aside from his plans to try to reconnect with his son who was just a toddler when he left, every ounce of his focus would be on making things right with _her. _He missed his best friend and wanted to run to her the second her got back but they had to be detained for two months following their return – they had to be debriefed and in doing so had to undo the covers that had become part of them for the last three years. Now however, Cillian Fox had been put to rest and Elliot Stabler was back to his old self and he was eager to get back to his old life.

"Care to share?"Kent asked, wondering what was going through his partners head.

"Just gonna right some wrongs." He answered as the door opened and in walked their Chief commanding officer, sending the two men standing to their feet to greet him.

"Brock… Stabler, cut the formalities!" he ordered the two men who immediately relaxed and took their seats again. "So… you two ready?" the chief asked

"…never been more ready for anything in my life, Sir!" Elliot answered

"Mind if I turn this up?" Kent asked as he picked up the television remote and did just so without waiting for a response.

"_And we bring you more on the story out of Lancaster Pennsylvania where an NYPD Sergeant who'd gone missing three months ago, turned up at a local hospital after having escaped her captor..." _

The voice said from the television to which Elliot still paid no attention to as he conversed with his superior.

"_Sergeant Olivia Benson of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit was abducted back in April…"_

Elliot's head whipped around fast and hard as he got up in a trancelike state and went to the television, his eyes tearing at the image of Olivia on the screen. It was a photograph of her at her graduation ceremony, shaking hands with the commissioner as she proudly held her Sergeant's plaque in view and for a moment, Elliot's breath caught and his heart literally stopped beating as he stood transfixed in front of the screen.

"Did we know about this?" he asked the chief urgently without turning to look at the man; his heart shattering into a million pieces as he looked on, teary eyed at the person who meant most to him still, even after three long years.

* * *

.

Though it took a while and a lot of waiting, Fin and Dr. Aimes eventually got Olivia out of the bathroom and after making sure that she was okay, Fin excused himself so that Dr. Aimes could have some privacy to examine her.

"You haven't asked about your baby, how it's doing…" she said softly as Olivia sat up in bed unresponsive while Dr. Aimes ran the transducer of the handheld ultrasound over the small swell of Olivia's stomach.

"It's not…I don't…" she began but was quickly stopped by the silent tears that slid down the sides of her face.

"Olivia…" Dr. Aimes began as the image of the baby came up on small screen "This pregnancy…was it a result of…"

"So you know?" Olivia asked, ashamed.

"When you were brought in you were unconscious and you were bleeding and when I examined you I saw why… there's a lot of tearing and bruising, old and new…"

"Yeah um…I really don't wanna…can we not talk about…that?" she asked in a whisper, her tears falling faster"

"It's okay. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to." Olivia nervously ran her hand through her hair, biting her lip before putting her palms to her face to muffle her sobs, quickly pulling them away.

"Have you told anyone, do they know?"

"Your friends? No I didn't disclose that information."

"Thank you. I just… I'm not ready for anyone to know; I still don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't…"

"I'm so sorry. To have to deal with recovering from what you've been through only to be left with a reminder…"

"Yeah. Are we done?" Olivia asked suddenly, a nerve having been struck "I'm tired"

"Almost" Dr. Aimes smiled as she continued looking at the baby, satisfied that it looked healthy. "The antibiotics seem to be working, the leg looks much better and your other injuries aren't showing any signs of infection. I'll check on you in a few hours… the baby looks good…would you like to hear the heartbeat?"

She know that she should have said no, knew that she was too far down an emotional hole but she didn't listen to her head, didn't listen to reason when it told her this was a bad idea. Like always, she listened to her heart and her heart was telling her that this baby was hers to love regardless of circumstance they'd survived this ordeal together and so it was with her eyes full of tears that she nodded a simple yes.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure" Olivia said and blew out a deep, nervous breath as Dr. Aimes handed her the tiny monitor. One look at the image of the tiny little person on the screen, the tiny little person inside her and the emotion began stirring; emotion that quadrupled when Dr. Aimes turned up the volume and the sound of the tiny beating heart filled the room. Olivia watched and listened for a long moment, trying to fight the tears that stung her eyes while biting back her sobs.

"Heartbeat's strong…you have a very healthy 12 week fetus" Dr. Aimes smiled and Olivia's began to wander

_I'm gonna fuck you seven ways to Sunday until I put one in you!"_

"Olivia...?" Dr. Aimes called softly, noticing the change in her patient

_I think my baby maker deserves some proper affection don't you? _

"Olivia, are you alright?"

…_First, you gotta fuck the fight out of em, then you beat em till their will is gone. Now with a useless whore like yer mother here…"_

The sound of his voice replaying in her head; those words hit her like a truck and she quickly snapped out of romanticizing the idea of the baby, the one he'd forcefully put inside her and she shoved the monitor back into Dr. Aimes' hand and grabbed the paper towel beside her to wipe the gel from her stomach, pushing the doctor's hand away.

"Like I said, I'm tired" Olivia kept her head down as she spoke to the doctor and pulled her gown down to cover her tiny bump.

"Would you like me to send in detective Tutuola?"

"No I um, I just… I just need to be alone right now." She said barely audibly while fidgeting with the covers

"I'll let him know" Dr. Aimes assured her as she put the ultrasound unit in the pocket of her coat

"Thank you." No sooner had the door shut, Olivia put her hands to her stomach and wept silently.

"_I hate him for what he did to you!"_

"_So do I – but if he hadn't you would not be here"_

She remembered that conversation with her mother as vividly as if it were yesterday and she missed her with every fiber of her being right now.

"I don't know if I can feel that way about this" she cried "I was always so sure about what I would do if I ever ended up in your situation and here I am and I don't know…I don't know and I'm scared!" her body shook with her sobs as she turned and buried her face in the pillow.

... ... ...

Outside, Nick and Brian had arrived and they all sat around the small waiting area while Fin gratefully ate the breakfast Nick brought him. The doctor had informed them that Olivia wanted to be alone and as much as they all wanted to stay close, they knew that the most important thing right now was respecting her wishes.

"At least she got a good sound sleep through the night… I'm glad" Nick said "Looking at her I wonder how long it's been since she last got one.

"Yeah, only for the damn nightmare to get her anyway after she woke up!" Fin grumbled

"I don't even wanna think about it" Brian's voice was barely audible

"If only it were that easy" Fin was struggling to keep it together and Nick could see it.

"Where's Amanda?" Fin Asked, suddenly having noticed that she wasn't with Nick and Brian

"Back at the hotel…she's having a hard time with all this and it's wearing her down" Nick told him.

"I'll talk to her" Fin said "Before I forget, Nick, you have the number for that kid… Sam?"

"Yeah, I got it right here" he answered as he pulled it up in his phone. "Why?"

"Liv wants to see him. We'll call him and see if he can come down."

* * *

.

Early that afternoon, Doc entered his home, sweaty from the July heat and welcomed the cool of the central air. He had just taken a seat in the living room when Sam wandered in.

"Dad, hey! Just the person I'm looking for" he smiled when he saw his father

"How much?" Doc asked, reaching for his wallet

"No" Sam laughed, I'm good for money. It's my car, I had it sent to the shop, it stalled and I couldn't get it going again… anyway, I need a ride to Lancaster, can you hook me up?"

"Now?" Doc asked

"That's of course, if you don't mind" Sam grinned at his father. Doc gave smile as he looked up at his son.

"Of course, anything for my boy!" he said as she got out of his chair.

... ... ...

"So what's happenin in Lancaster?" Doc asked as they were pulling out of the driveway.

"The cop I helped, Sergeant Benson. Her friend called and she wants to see me."

"What?" Doc gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles as he fought to contain himself and calm his now rapidly beating heart.

"Yeah, isn't it great? Hey, maybe you could come up and meet her." Sam said cheerfully and his father felt himself dying inside.

"Uh..." he chuckled nervously "…yeah. That would be…somethin! Hey, I just remembered I need to make a stop first, you mind?" he stammered as they continued down the road.

"No, it's cool" Sam assured him.

"_How the fuck do I get outta this one?"_ Doc wondered to himself. He would stall this little road trip for as long as he could, he couldn't show up to that hospital. _"One look at my face and that cunt will have my ass in the pen quicker that I can say 'setup'…DAMN YOU TO HELL LUCIUS!"_

* * *

_._

Olivia had managed to eat a little something and keep it down and now slept, so far, peacefully in her hospital room for the last couple hours. She had begun stirring in her sleep, her eyes suddenly shot open and she sat up in her bed, her eyes darting around the room as she steadied her breathing and reminded herself that she was safe, pulling her legs up against her chest and putting her head down on her knees when she heard the door open and she listened to the sound of footsteps as someone walked in.

"Liv…" her heart stopped. It had been so long since she heard it- the way he called her name. The way it fell from his lips, the tone in his voice. No one called her name the way he called her name but it couldn't be. It was just her imagination just like the day she lay dying on the floor after…it couldn't be!

"_But what if…?"_ she thought as she slowly, fearfully raised her head and looked toward the door and the moment her eyes met his, they were both done for. His eyes welled with tears while she was in total disbelief that he was here, in front of her and he was alive and well and oh god! She was embarrassed and ashamed that he was seeing her like this and she covered her face with her palms and began sobbing as she was again inundated with more emotion than she could handle right now.

"This isn't real. You're not here!" she cried into her palms but when she felt the bed shift beneath his weight when he sat beside her and he took her in his arms, a move that didn't cause her to flinch even the slightest because even after three years of him being gone, he was still home to her and it was then, when she was enveloped in his arms, her hands still pressed against her face as she shook her head telling herself that this couldn't be happening, that it couldn't be real, she knew that it was. He was here and she was home.

"I'm real… I promise I'm real and I'm so sorry that I wasn't here to protect you from this!" she allowed herself to be lost in that embrace and she slowly threw her arms around him and held him tight as her tears continued. She inhaled his scent; he hadn't changed his cologne and that little detail brought her immense comfort.

"This isn't possible..." she cried in a whisper as her hands touched his face, her fingertips travelling over the features that were etched into her memory, breaking down as she again threw her arms around him and they held each other for dear life.

"It's okay Liv, I'm here" he soothed with a whisper, his tears falling hard. And just like that, his words angered her, making her suddenly push him away and deliver a loud, hard slap to his face."

"No… no! y-you do not get to do this, you do not get to waltz in here after all this time, you don't…you…NO!" she stammered through her sobs as she pushed him again

"Liv…"

"No! You left me, you w-walked away; you weren't there when I needed you… I don't need you anymore" she lied, shaking her head. "Leave"

"Olivia please, just let me –"

"I said leave! I swear to god Elliot I will have Nick and Fin come in here and kick the shit out of you. I can't do this right now, LEAVE!"

"Okay. Okay I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, I just needed to know that you were… I'm sorry." He said before turning to leave the room. When he was gone, she burst into tears again.

... ... ...

"That was fast" Fin said as Elliot came toward him in the hall, obviously emotional from the brief reunion.

"She wasn't ready for this…" Elliot said, still shocked and thankful that Fin had allowed him the chance.

"She needed this, whether she knows it or not" Fin told him truthfully

"Doesn't feel like it"

"You know what she went through in that house. She needs all of us right now to help her through it – even your deadbeat ass!" Fin joked eliciting a half smile from Elliot.

"I know, I know… I fucked up but I can't change what I did… I just wanna be here for her now, in whatever way she'll let me"

"Just give her some time" Elliot nodded his head as he took in Fin's advice.

"Take my number" He said as he handed Fin a card from his pocket "When she's ready…"

"I'll make sure. In the meantime, you take care, don't be a stranger."

"You're not angry with me?"

"With everything goin on…I can't spare the energy. I'll just owe you an ass kicking later"

"Looking forward" Elliot said then continued on his way out.

* * *

.

**Thanks for reading and I'll see you all next chapter.**


	20. Disclosure

**Chapter 20! I was lazy with writing this but then the urge hit me a few hours ago and it all came out. I hope you guys enjoy this latest installment, trying my best to keep it interesting. Can I take a moment to say that I cannot believe that this story is nearing 400 reviews? Y'all have no idea how incredible it makes me feel to know that this twisted little story... Thank you all! Not much else to say, a little heavy on the EO feels and very Fin heavy since you all seem to love the Fin in this story. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters and I own the bowl of cereal that I'm about to eat at almost 2 in the morning, but hey, yolo! Enjoy!**

* * *

**.**

Sitting in his Lancaster hotel suite, Elliot's mind was a mess. Brock had been right - after three long years he'd come back to find that the world, as he knew it had been completely turned upside down! During his time away he'd thought about her often, imagining how she was living her life without him. Had she forgiven him for the way he left? If she'd found someone special… was she happy? He'd run so many scenarios through his head of the person she'd be when… if he ever saw her again, it was the hope he held onto when he was so deep inside his cover that he felt he'd lose himself in the world he'd been sent to infiltrate but just thinking about seeing her again, making things right – it was his tether to Elliot Stabler. Still, with all the ways he'd imagined reuniting with her, never in a million years would he have thought he'd be coming home to find her the way he had. What exactly had happened to her?

Walking into that room, seeing her there in that hospital bed, beaten and emotionally broken - he wanted to kill the bastard who'd hurt her, would have with his bare hands if he could have but in that moment none of it mattered; the only thing that mattered was that she was there, in the flesh and the look in her eyes and the way she'd allowed him to hold her and cried in his arms let him know that in spite of what she said, she needed him there just as much as he needed to be there.

He'd learned from what little his director had filled him in on and from the news report that she'd been kidnapped and held captive for three months and that she'd only been found yesterday but, as his director had also explained, the case was very new and they didn't have much intel as of yet but they did know that she'd been raped and tortured consistently throughout her capture and that the man in question was himself a fugitive from the law for over 20 years and turned out to be the father of a man who had also gone after Olivia just last year and spent four days torturing her before she was found by the NYPD.

"How the fuck could they have let this happen to her twice?!" He wondered, anger seeping from every pore in his body as he'd skimmed over the files from the William Lewis case. Reading the man's history, the timeline of the four days he'd been alone with Olivia, her statement and the medical reports... She'd gone through this hell while he'd been off cluelessly galavanting on the other side of the world and she had no one! No one to protect her, no one to help her, no one who'd even noticed that anything was wrong until the psycho had her in his clutches for two days but his issue wasn't with them, it was with himself.

_Partners for better or worse... _

He'd promised her but when worse decided to pay him a visit he wasn't able to handle it and walked away without so much as a warning to one of the most important people in his life; his partner, his right hand, the one person who truly knew and understood him and loved him anyway in spite of his many flaws and how did he repay her? He left. He knew that he was all she had, that in spite of her resistance to ever have to depend on anyone, she depended on him, trusted him to be the one person who would never disappoint her but after all was said and done he'd been the one who'd disappointed her most; not only was he not there for her when she needed him most, letting her fall prey to this Lewis prick twice, but he failed her again while the bastard's father did unspeakable things to her for three months.

The things he'd discovered about her ordeal with the son was more than enough to make him physically ill. He had no idea what he'd be in for when he'd find out just what went on inside the house where Olivia had been held since April but he knew one thing - no matter how much she pushed him away, he would never leave her again, he'd be here, by her side - where he should have been all along. He would never let her down again.

_Partners for better or worse..._

* * *

_._

After Elliot had gone she'd insisted that everyone leave her alone when they'd tried to offer her comfort after how upset she'd been with seeing Elliot today. She understood that they were only trying to help and be supportive but she couldn't help feeling suffocated.

_Who the hell did he think he was walking in here after three years like nothing happened? He left me, walked away from everything we were like nothing mattered and has the audacity to show up... how dare he look at me that way, hold me that way... Let me remember how much I've missed him with everything inside me..._

"Don't!" She scolded herself, taking a deep breath as more tears fell down her face, tears that she quickly wiped away. She couldn't afford this right now, these feelings - she was so confused, so unsure about everything right now. She had to room to allow Elliot to occupy her thoughts even if thoughts of him had constantly bombarded her mind these last three months, even if she hadn't wanted them to because after wishing and praying that he'd somehow come for her during her time with Billy - wishes and prayers that went unfulfilled, she'd given up on him; given up on ever seeing him again, ever hearing his voice again and then suddenly here he was... Right here in this room he was here and he was real and she was in his arms and in that moment everything else disappeared; the hurt, the terror, the anguish... Nothing else mattered - until it it did; until she was quickly reminded that she was allowing herself to feel safe with him and just where that mistake had gotten her after twelve long years - alone and feeling like she'd lost the very air she breathed and she couldn't let herself do it again.

She'd known that it was wrong of her - maybe but for a long time (maybe even still) she blamed him for what Lewis had done to her because that part of her that idolized Elliot as more than just a man, that part knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that had he stayed he would have protected her from it. He would have followed her, slept on her couch - whatever it took to make sure that she wouldn't be vulnerable as long as that maniac was free.

_Partners for better or worse..._

And she believed him, with her whole heart she believed him but he lied. And because he lied, she's been broken and she wants so badly to hate him for it but it's hard to keep hating him when after all was said and done and she was now actually going through _the_ worst hell of her life, he remembered that promise he made so long ago and came back to her. She remembered Sister peg saying to her once that God doesn't come when we want him but he's always right on time. Maybe when she prayed so hard for him those four days, maybe God knew that a time was coming that she'd need him more than she did then. Maybe this was all part of that mysterious divine plan she's always heard people talking about; the one she never, and still doesn't believe in. Maybe...

"It alright if I come in?" Fin asked, peeking his head inside the door. Suddenly jarred from her reverie, she scrambled to wipe her tears and smooth her hair, clearing her throat before answering.

"Yeah, it...it's fine." He could tell looking at her that she'd been crying again; she hasn't really stopped in the last 24 hours.

"You okay?" He wondered as he took a seat beside the bed

"Could you... Not ask me that?"

"I'm sorry" he softly apologized

"No, it's..." She looked away as she felt the sting of fresh tears in her eyes. "I thought I told you all to leave" she said with a forced smiled, trying to lighten the mood and stifle her tears even though she wanted nothing more than to fall apart again... _Again_... As if she'd ever stopped falling apart.

"Liv, it's okay..."

"It's not" she said in a whisper, shaking her head side to side as she pulled the covers up around her middle and began picking at invisible lint, refusing to meet Fin's eyes. "...and I don't know if it ever will be again"

"I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you _will _get through this" he promised

"You sound way more confident than I feel"

"That's because I know the woman I'm dealing with" he smiled as he moved from the chair to sit beside her on the bed and putting his arm around her. She let out a deep nervous breath as she leaned into him, putting her head down on his shoulder.

"I've seen you knocked down more times than anybody I've ever known and every time you got back up even stronger."

"I don't think that woman exists anymore"

"Of course she does"

"No, I... Things happened... Things I'm asham-"

"Don't!" He said with all authority "what happened to you...it is not your shame to carry!"

"You wouldn't say that if you knew" she whispered, tears falling as she squeezed her eyes shut to block out a memory.

"Liv..."

"Fin, I'm..." She began, her hands placed on her stomach...her secret that she was about to reveal, but the words died on her lips when the nurse entered her room.

"Ms. Benson, I need to check your stats." She smiled. Fin looked at Olivia, unsure if he should leave her. Olivia sensed his apprehension and turned to assure him.

"It's okay, Fin, I could actually use the time alone when she's done." Still unsure, he decided to respect her wishes and stood up

"Before I forget..." He said, reaching into his pocket and retrieving Elliot's number.

"El left his number"

"I don't want it"

"Then I won't insist but when you're ready... No pressure, baby girl." He said, returning the card to his pocket and turning to leave. "I'll send Sam in when he gets here"

"Thanks Fin"

... ... ...

Out in the hall Fin had taken a seat in the waiting area and was checking his messages when Amanda wandered in.

"Hey" she said quietly

"Just the person I needed to see" he said upon looking up.

"I am? I thought you'd be mad at me for not bein here and..."

"Hey, this is hard for all of us... We deal how we can" Amanda nodded, her eyes full of tears.

"Thanks for understandin. So, where's Nick and Brian?"

"Airport. Cragen's flight gets in in a couple hours."

"It'll be good to see him. What do you need?" She asked, taking a seat beside him.

"Shopping" he said, reaching for his wallet

"You...wanna go shoppin? Now?"

"Not me, you... For Liv. She's gonna be here a few more days and she has nothing here; clothes, shoes... Personal things... Look, whatever you think she needs, just buy"

"I'll take care of it" she said as she took the credit card from his hand.

"Thanks. In spite of everything, you holding up?"

"I'll be fine. But what about you?" She asked

"I'm good, don't worry."

"Impossible. Anybody ever tell you how amazin you are?" She asked with a kiss to him cheek before walking away. "Chief Arlow, hey" she greeted the man as he approached the waiting area.

"Detective" he nodded with a smile as Amanda continued on her way.

"What brings you here?" Fin asked as he stood to greet his fellow officer.

"I was hoping that Sergeant Benson was calm enough to talk. I don't want to push after the ordeal she's been through but I want to clear her, make sure we get her statement before that sick fuck has a chance to open his eyes.

... ... ...

In Olivia's room the nurse had just finished up and was leaving the room when Fin Entered with Arlow.

"Liv, I know you said you wanted some time alone but Chief Arlow needs to take your statement"

"It's okay."

"Are you sure?" Arlow asked

"No, but let's just get it over with"

"If at any time it gets to be too much for you, you say the word and we'll continue another time" he said as he took a seat in the chair beside her bed.

"I'll be outside if you need me" Fin assured her.

"Fin um... Could you... I don't think I can do this alone"

"You sure you want me to hear this?"

"It's not my shame, right? Please stay with me" she pled, reaching for his hand. He gladly took it in his own and sat with her as Chief Arlow put his voice recorder on the bedside table, turning it on and beginning the task at hand.

* * *

.

He began to go stir crazy just sitting around the hotel, waiting to hear from central. He couldn't just sit here while Olivia was lying in a hospital after being put through hell. Even if she didn't realize it, she needed him and he was going to be there for her...even if she wouldn't actually talk to him, he would sit there at the hospital with everyone else. It was better than driving himself insane with guilt - although he didn't think he'd ever get to a place where he didn't.

"This is all your fault. If you hadn't left her, Lewis wouldn't have gotten to her, his old man wouldn't have felt the need to come after her. You gotta... Do what? There's no way to fix the damage!" He bitterly admitted to himself.

* * *

.

"What in the world is taking so long?" Bronwyn whined to her attorney about her bail. She had gone before the judge and miraculously had been given bail and now sat in the Lancaster County jail waiting to be sprung.

"It's being taken care of... Five hundred thousand dollars is nothing to sneeze at, you know" Marilyn Binks, Bronwyn's very high-priced attorney reminded the young woman.

"It is when you're worth hundreds of millions now get me out of here!"

"How did you get caught up in such a mess?"

"I fell in love, that's not a crime"

"My God, Carlton and Hugette must be spinning in their mausoleums! The press is already having a field day with this!"

"Let them! I love My husband and no amount of slandering from the press-"

"You were a victim in this just like the woman he kidnapped!" Marilyn yelled

"I was not a victim"

"That's the story we're spinning to the press; you were a lonely, depressed girl who was taken advantage of by your much older and controlling husband."

"You want me to lie? To deny my love for my husband? I won't do it"

"You listen to me you spoiled moron. Your parents worked their asses off to preserve a legacy for you; a legacy that's 5 generations strong and I will not have you sully it with your childish fantasies and half-cocked antics! Now I suggest you get your head out of your over privileged ass and get on board or you lose everything!"

"Well... At least in the end I did it for love!" Bronwyn scoffed, having taken no heed to what was said to her.

... ... ...

After the surgeries to reattach Harlan's excised penis and repair the damage to his lung, he lay in intensive care at University hospital in Pennsylvia in extremely critical condition. The FBI agents assigned to him keeping careful watch, ready to arrest and transport him to a federal facility as soon as the doctors deemed him stable enough but it was looking like an uphill battle, Harlan having coded overnight.

"Doc, how long before he's good to go?" Agent Carter asked as the doctor exited Harlan's room, a grim look about him.

"This man won't be going anywhere."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, I suggest you get whatever family he's got to say goodbye. He's has severe sepsis of the blood; his organs are failing at an alarming rate and his body has already gone into septic shock. I'll be amazed if he makes it through the night. If you'll excuse me" the doctor apologized before taking leave.

"Call Lancaster. Get the wife." Agent Carter ordered his partner with a roll of his eyes. As far as he was concerned, this was divine retribution for what the sick bastard had done to that woman and Carter hoped that where Harlan was going in hell would be especially hot.

* * *

.

Doc had done everything he could to delay their arrival to the hospital in Lancaster but after two hours he could put it off no more and had to bite the bullet and go.

"You know sob, I've been thinking; maybe you should see the nice lady on your own today." He said with shifty eyes as he drive toward the hospital.

"You think so?"

"Yeah, I mean she's probably very emotional about whatever happened to her and seeing you will already be a reminder of what she escaped - I still cannot believe that Lucius Holmes could do anything so sick! I just don't think she'd be up for meeting new people right now."

Sam was quiet for a moment as he thought about what his father said.

"You're right, man, I hadn't even thought of it that way. Thanks dad"

"That's what your old man is here for- to always steer you in the right direction." Doc said, feeling ridiculously smug now that he'd dodged that bullet. But he still needed to figure out a way to shut her up. He had no idea if those recordings had been found or if Lucius had been smart and stored them out of the house. But if she talked... he prayed that they stayed buried - right along with a few other secrets... Seven to be exact. If only Lucius had been smarter, she'd have been number eight after pushing out that baby and no one would have been any the wiser!

... ... ...

Fin sat for the last hour, listening as Olivia gave her statement as best she could to chief Arlow and with every word his heart broke more and more until there was nothing left and his soul began to crumble. He couldn't believe that this had happened, that they had let this happen to her and though he wanted to scream, throw up and destroy something, he kept his emotions in check (save the tears that trailed his face) for Olivia. He would not fall apart while she was fighting so hard to be strong and get through this so he sat, held her hand, gave her tissues when she needed them and whispered reassurances that she could do this all while vowing in his head that he would kill every last motherfucker who'd touched her.

She'd tried to be careful to not make mention of the room downstairs, no idea that Arlow was already aware of what happened there but she couldn't talk about it in front of Fin, couldn't have him know that aside from Harlan, there had been another twenty five men who took sport in violating her and paying for the privilege. After her mind had had a chance to clear she was able to vividly recall both events - twelve of them the first time, fourteen the second (Doc had been in both groups) but when Arlow questioned her about how she'd gotten hold of the scalpel to begin with, she had to tell him about doc and that opened the door to the rest, including how she'd tried to kill herself then before she knew it she was sobbing uncontrollably in Fins arms, unable to go on and Arlow had no choice but to wrap things up and make his exit with all apologies, promising that every man involved would be brought to justice.

"Baby girl..." Fin whispered

"How am I supposed to live with this?" She sobbed "I wish I would have died in that room!"

"Liv, don't ever say that!" Fin couldn't ever bear the thought of that reality.

"They hurt me so bad... He hurt me so bad..."

"It's over now" he soothed

"No... It's not"

"You're safe now, none of them can hurt you"

"You don't under...stand... H-Harlan..."

"You heard Arlow, he won't make it. By tomorrow he'll be as dead as his psycho kid!"

"His kid is a-alive!" she cried, as she looked up at him, nearly choking on the sobs that wretched from her. Fin was completely confused and worried for her mental state.

"Liv... You saw for yourself..."

"Harlan... He said I... He said I had to give him back, it was the reason he took me"

"Give him back?" He asked, still not understanding.

"His son... He said I had to replace him"

"Repla... No!" Fin cried, shaking his head in utter disbelief as it all suddenly became clear. "Baby girl tell me he didn't..."

"I'm...pregnant... And it's his!"

* * *

.

**Soooooo... Everybody alright? Good. See y'all next chapter.**


	21. Us

**Every time I think I've gone like a month without updating this story it turns out to be only a week. Anyway, here's chapter 21. Not much to say and we pick up where we left off in 20. I know that you guys probably think we're spending a lot of time in Lancaster but you'll be glad for the slow times because when it picks up again, it'll be insane! Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters and I own... Well... Yeah. Enjoy!**

* * *

*****chapter contains rape*****

.

"How far along?" Fin asked. Her sobs had finally quieted and the two of them now sat face to face on the small bed, him trying desperately to wrap his head around all that had been revealed.

"The doctor says twelve weeks..."

"You give any thought about what you wanna do?" he spoke softly, calmly in spite of the turmoil that was mangling him inside.

_"Mission accomplished!" _ She could still hear Harlan's voice in her head.

"From the moment he made me take that test... I can't..." She stopped for a moment when her tears threatened to overtake her "I can't have this baby. I can't have a constant reminder..."

"Whatever you feel you need to do... I'll support you a hundred percent."

"I heard its heartbeat... I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I didn't say no but it has a heartbeat and it makes going through with what I have to do even more difficult"

"You think about other options?"

"My only other option would be to carry it to term and give it up – I can't keep it. But going through six more months of feeling it grow and then hearing it cry... God, I don't know how my mother was able to do it" she wept "I don't... She was so much stronger than I gave her credit for. All my life I judged her because of how she chose to fight her demons and now here I am... I've come to understand her demons more than I ever thought possible because they're _my _demons now too, and I don't know how I'm supposed to live with them"

"It's not gonna be easy, regardless of what you decide" he spoke softly as he handed her more tissues. She thanked him and wiped her runny nose before swatting away her tears with the back of her hand.

"There were days... Days upon days where I begged god to let me miscarry. I prayed that Harlan would hit me hard enough, or kick me hard enough… or that I'd fall hard enough after he'd knock me down"

Fin stood up and slowly walked across the room to the window. He exhaled a deep silent breath as he looked up at the late afternoon sun, his hands angrily curling into fists, and again, he couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes as rage shook him from the inside.

"Fin, I'm sorry" he heard Olivia apologize in a small voice from her bed. It hurt her to see that Fin was hurting.

"Sorry for what?" he asked, quickly wiping his tears as he turned to face her.

"For that… I've unloaded so much on you and I…" in a second he was beside her again

"No! You don't even let yourself think that way, you hear me? I don't want you to shut down and shut everybody out. I don't want you to struggle with this on your own because of pride, or guilt, or shame- whatever the hell it is that makes you bottle things up… this is too much for you to carry on your own and I'm not gonna let you. Hell, I'm already in this deep, might as well stay" he half-joked with a smile and surprisingly got one – albeit small, in return.

"Baby girl, I'm here. I know I fucked up and I let you handle too much of that shit with Junior on your own but I will not let that happen this time around. You and me, we been a constant for each other through a whole lot of shit… you don't worry about me, you give me as much as you feel you need to, I'll carry it, you have to let me be here for you. I love you; we all love you" he said as he pulled her into his arms and she threw hers around him, too overcome with emotion to even speak so she just cried for a moment before pulling away.

"I don't… I don't think I'm ready for everyone to know… I don't think I ever will be. I just, I feel so overwhelmed; El is here, wanting to fix things… Brian is doing the same"

"El misses his friend and has a lot to tell you, Brian finally realized how bad he messed up when he let you go and all he's talked about these last three months is making it right"

"That's just it… I can't… I know that they mean well but I just… I don't mean to be selfish, I don't want to be but I don't have the stamina to help either of them assuage the guilt they feel over whatever went wrong between us, I can't do it, Fin." She sobbed

"I get it"

"It's barely been two days since… and they're already asking of me and I don't have anything to give right now I'm just…" she wiped her nose with the back of her hand before wiping her tears away and taking a deep breath that she blew out slowly.

"That's it, just breathe" He coached, holding her hand and softly rubbing her back. "It's gonna be okay. You don't wanna see El and Brian right now, I'll make sure of it"

"Could you? I just can't deal with…"

"Consider it done."

"Can I ask something else of you?"

"Anything." Olivia was about to speak when there was a knock at the door. She quickly dried what was left of her tears and ran a hand through her hair.

"Come in" she called. The door slowly opened and in walked a young man carrying a huge arrangement of yellow roses and white hyacinth. Olivia looked to Fin, unsure of exactly who this person was.

"Sergeant Benson" he said nervously as the door shut behind him.

"Sam, you made it. Fin said as her got up to greet the young man and shook his hand. Suddenly feeling anxious, Olivia pulled the covers up tighter against her and held them to her chest.

"Yes Sir. I tried to get here sooner but my dad had stops to make." He apologized

"It's okay" Fin assured him before turning to Liv "Liv this is Sam Taylor, he's the one who found you and brought you here. Sam, this is Sergeant Benson"

"Please, just Olivia" she said as he extended his hand but she just stared briefly, her anxiety rising as she looked away. There was something familiar about the young man that unnerved her and she couldn't put her finger on it.

"It's nice to formally meet you Olivia" Sam smiled. He wasn't offended at the snub, understanding that after whatever ordeal she'd run away from, she had every right to be chary and withdrawn. "I um… I brought you these" he said of the flowers still in his arms.

"My mom said the yellow roses mean well wishes and the white hyacinth means prayers for you. We thought you could use both.

"That's very sweet of you, thank you, Sam." She was ingratiated at the gesture and offered a smile as best she could.

"You're welcome ma'am- Olivia… I'm just gonna sit these here" he said as he sat the vase down on the table by the small sofa then stood nervously stuffing his hands into his pockets.

Olivia looked to Fin who stood by the door, unmoving and it gave her comfort. There was no way he was leaving her alone, even with this seemingly harmless young man.

"Sam… I'm sorry if I seem…"

"No, please it's okay, you don't need to apologize. I'm just glad that you'll be okay. I mean, you _will _be, right?"

"I'm doing a lot better and I wanna thank you" she began, finally forcing herself to look at the young man and again finding herself unnerved. But why? "If you hadn't found me… if you hadn't helped me… it's kind of hard believing in goodness right now but you've shown that it does exist and I… thank you for everything. I'm forever indebted."

"You're welcome but no need to thank me, I was just doing the right thing" Olivia continued to study Sam's face as he spoke to her.

"The doctor told me that you stayed, called the police and wouldn't leave until you knew I'd be okay and even then you wouldn't go until my friends got here." she nervously picked at the bandage on her wrist. Was it his smile, the slope of his nose? What was it about him? Fin noticed how agitated she'd become and it worried him.

"I couldn't stand the thought of you being alone" Sam said

"Well, you went above and beyond doing the right thing. If there's anything I can I ever do for you…"

"No, my dad says doing the right thing is reward in itself. I just, it's hard to believe Sheriff Holmes. I've know the man almost my whole life, he and my dad are good friends and my dad's been kicking himself because he never knew that you were in that house… He and my mom both asked me to tell you how sorry they are. Anyway, I should get going. It was nice meeting you Olivia."

"You too, Sam"

"Detective Tutuola…" he and Fin again shook hands

"We're all indebted to you. I'll be in touch" Fin said as Sam opened the door to leave.

"Sam" Olivia called to him. He quickly turned to look back at her, his tall, lithe body half in, half out the room. You said your dad didn't know I was inside the house… had he been there while…?"

"Yeah, a few times, Doc and him were old buddies"

"Doc?" Olivia asked in a terror-filled whisper

"My dad… he used to be a doctor so everyone in town calls him Doc. I wanted to bring him to introduce you but he didn't think you'd be up for meeting anyone. Anyway, I gotta go, you take care." But Olivia didn't hear his goodbye.

_"Good thing I came back when I did and even better that the good old doc here ain't have a chance to get far..."_

"Liv..." Fin called, noticing how far away she looked.

_"You remember old Doc, don't ya? He sure enjoyed you last night!"_

"Olivia?" Fin called again with more urgence. She had begun trembling as her breathing became erratic.

_"Don't worry, it'll be fun... Don't tie her down..." He didn't want the restraints. He knew that she was too weak and he wanted to fight her, wanted to force her if she did give resistance but she couldn't. They'd raped her the entire night; for the second time, done things so sick and so depraved that she'd tried to kill herself after and she was so weak and in so much pain, she could do nothing but beg him not to - beg while she felt his hands and mouth on her. Kissing, sucking and squeezing places that had been made raw from so many mouths and hands that night and then using his dick and fingers to penetrate places that were equally raw, swollen and bleeding from being grotesquely abused._

_"Please don't... Please..."_

"Please... Please... Stop... Please, you're hurting me! PLEASE!" she screamed as tears streaked her face suddenly realizing where she was and seeing Fin in front of of her heartbroken with fear in his eyes but he wasn't afraid _of _ her; he was afraid _for _her. During her flashback she'd began hurting herself while screaming at whatever was in her head and he'd tried to stop her. As a result he was now sporting the same bloody scratches across his face that she'd given Brian except Fin's forearms were bleeding as well, deep claw marks embedded that poured blood... Just like the ones that now adorned her own arms.

* * *

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**See you all next time. **


	22. Odds and Ends

**Sorry that I haven't updated in over two weeks but I seriously needed a break, don't judge me. Anyway, I'm back and here we are. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters and I own mine. Enjoy.**

* * *

.

Sedating her had been the only way to calm her and she now lay in a deep sleep, one that Fin was thankful for because she needed it, knowing that along with the horrors she'd suffered at Harlan's hands, exhaustion was playing a huge part in her current emotional state.

It was only after the doctor assured him that she'd sleep till morning that Fin had agreed to leave her side to allow his wounds to be tended to. He was beyond grateful that Elliot had arrived at that point - there would be someone to keep watch, make sure she'd be safe and though he had his own differences with the man, there was no one he trusted more to have Olivia's back.

"I thought she told you to stay away" Fin reminded his former colleague upon returning from the nurse.

"She did and I'm doing what she wanted... Granted, not exactly as she wanted but..."

"Look, I get it Stabler. I don't want to but I do. What she went through last year...it'll probably feel like a walk through the park compared to this. We all need to be strong for her, I just need to know that you're up for it cuz if not... If you're gonna run again..."

"I'm not running and I won't push. She'll let me in as little or as much as she wants but I'm here. I just... I can't not be. Even if she doesn't know I am, I have to be here."

Elliot looked down nervously at his hands. They were curling into fists and he quickly got up, trying to shake off the anger.

"I hear the prick who did this to her is dying up there in Pennsylvania."

"The scalpel she cut him with was old... The rust on the blade caused an infection..." Elliot couldn't help the smile that spread across his face.

"She really cut it off?"

"Completely. When they found the fucker he was holding it!" Fin grinned.

"I hope he suffers. I hope every second until he takes his last breath is hell!"

* * *

.

Bronwyn sat at Harlan's bedside, dutifully holding his hand as she gazed lovingly at him lying there pale and weak. Her husband had been a formidable man and now to see him like this, so decimated...so still...so...

"Bronwyn..." He murmured, his voice as weakened as his body was.

"My love..." she smiled

"When I die..."

"You are not going to die!"

"When I die..." He continued "you don't let that whore get away with it" he ordered before a fit of coughing overtook him, alarming Bronwyn, especially when a trickle of blood came out and ran down the side of his mouth. Bronwyn quickly but gently wiped it away.

"I want you to make her suffer." He mumbled almost incoherently through his pained exhaustion. "She... She already killed yer brother and now me. I..."

"My brother? Sir, you're tired, you're not thinking clearly."

"You don't, she... That she-devil took my boy. Enchanted him...made him obsessed then killed him."

"I was there. I saw firsthand how she railroaded William." Bronwyn sympathized bitterly. "And now she ran off with my baby"

"Don't let her... Have him, don't let her have him. You get my boy!"

"I promise I will."

"You get him and you raise him right. Whatever you have to do... Kill that worthless bitch..." His body was again wracked by coughing that went on for a long moment before stopping, causing him to spit up even more blood before settling back against his pillows with Bronwyn's help.

"You're so weak" she cried fearfully.

"You listen to me, you get my boy, you raise him right. I want her gone... Promise me."

"I promise."

"Say it!"

"I will kill her. I'll get our son and I'll kill her." She swore with all sincerity.

"Kiss me." He demanded through ragged breath. Without pause she did as she was told, kissing his lips softly while her hand lay upon his cheek.

"How long til that damn nurse comes back?" Harlan asked, breathing heavily when Bronwyn pulled away.

"Ten minutes"

"Good...just enough time... If imo die I wanna have somethin nice before I go." He knew that this was his own daughter in front of him but she didn't, and in his mind that made what he was about to ask of her perfectly acceptable. _Besides_, he thought, _now that I done already fucked the cow, it don't matter!_

"Anything" she blindly promised.

"Take off yer panties and give em here!"

"Sir?"

"Do it!"

Without argument Bronwyn nervously reached under her skirt and took off her undergarment then wadded them before pressing them into Harlan's palm. He slowly raised his hand to his face and began sniffing the crotch of her panties, rolling his eyes as if the very scent brought him pleasure. But it wasn't _her_ scent it was _the_ scent, and _the_ scent reminded him of Olivia's scent - even on his death bed he couldn't get enough.

_"I gotta tell ya darling, that was amazin! Nice and tight, able to take a poundin…"_

He could still hear the way she screamed that first time; how after a while she went quiet and just whimpered every time he slammed into her. Her cries were the goddamn sexiest thing he ever heard, fueled him. She wasn't like the others. None of them had ever turned him on the way she had. He'd broken them all after the first time but she... She had fire and he wanted to own it; thought he'd tamed her but she'd surprised him. And right now he prayed that he would live if not but for the sake of finishing what he started - owning her before he put her in her grave.

"What I wouldn't give to fuck it one more time!" He mused, Bronwyn believing that it was herself who occupied his final thoughts. He understood why Billy had become so easily obsessed. Olivia Benson was the devil; a temptress who looked like and angel but he knew better and so did Billy. God built a woman like that for sin! It was his duty to take her how he pleased and if there was any right in this world, he'd have her again.

"Hike up that skirt... Touch yerself while I watch."

"Sir, what if..."

"I'm dyin. I don't give a shit!" He protested, meaning to sound more authoritative than his dying body allowed him to. Even lying there in complete agony, his twisted mind couldn't stop itself from wanting this.

Bronwyn slowly stepped back a couple feet from the bed and apprehensively reached for the hem of her skirt, slowly raising it as she looked over her shoulder for anyone entering the small room.

When she began to timidly rub herself there, Harlan grimaced at the sight of her and squeezed his eyes shut, opening them to see Olivia there instead and he smiled weakly.

"That's it, rub it for daddy and don't you fuckin stop til you come!"

* * *

.

"You been mighty quiet the whole ride home." Doc pointed out to Sam who sat, still silent and in deep thought in one of the porch chairs.

"I'm sorry sir, I just... I'm so angry."

"That woman?" Doc asked as he turned to look at his son. Sam simply nodded.

"I just don't understand the evil in the world... How people can be so sick."

"Now son, it's not our job to judge. We don't know what makes people the way they are."

"There's no excuse for hurting someone like she's been hurt, I don't care what someone's been through!" There was a brief silence between the two before Sam spoke again.

"I told her how sorry you and mom both are about what happened to her."

"I came up?" Doc asked, a nervous timbre to his voice that he tried to mask.

"Yeah. I told her that you had no idea that she was in Sheriff Holmes' house all these months."

"How uh... How did she take it?" He was suddenly very interested and took a seat beside his son.

"I don't know, she just... She was curious about you, asked a couple questions. I told her you and Holmes are old friends... That's about it. Why?"

"It's just; well I don't wanna be mixed up in this. Next thing you know, the cops will will be lookin for me to testify and I don't know anything - I would have done something to stop it if I did, you know that don't you?"

"Dad, of course I do. You're a good man. I _know_ that if you'd known you would have stopped whatever went on in there, no way you'd let a woman be hurt..."

But Doc's mind had suddenly slipped back to the last time he was alone with Olivia; the day Harlan tore her leg open with the wire cutter and called him to stitch her up.

_She was weak from blood loss but she fought him, just like a little wildcat but it didn't do any good. In the end he'd overpowered her. It felt so good to hold her down, to see the fear in her eyes when she knew he had her and that she was at his mercy. He'd almost broken her arm, shoving his knee into it hold it down while he restrained the other. He left her legs free - he wanted some struggle and god did he get it - she sent her knee to his balls when he tried to mount her, sending him falling over and screaming expletives. When he was finally able to compose himself he viciously slapped and choked her and since he was then unable to get it up he decided to teach her a lesson for denying him the privilege he felt he'd earned._

_"You'll pay for that you stupid bitch!" He said calmly, grinning fiendishly, curling and uncurling his fist as he forced her legs apart "Now we explore painful pleasure!"_

_"No! I'm sorry... Please don't, please..." She began pleading desperately when it became clear to her what he'd intended to do._

_Her body wasn't prepared for what came next; the pain so intense she simply blacked out._

"...I know my dad, the kind of man you are. Don't beat yourself up... Dad?" Sam called to Doc who seemed to be lost in thought and had a smile on his face.

"I'm sorry son"

"Why are you smiling?" Doc hadn't realized he was and thought quickly.

"The faith you have in me... I don't know what I did to deserve you but I am the luckiest man alive."

"I'm the lucky one." Sam smiled, patting his father on the back.

"Shoot! I better get going, I'm gonna be late for work" Doc said as he stood up.

"Night shift again?"

"Unfortunately"

"Could you drop me off at the garage on your way? My car will be ready at seven."

"Of course, I'm just gonna run inside and say goodnight to your mother." Doc said before disappearing into the house.

* * *

.

Back at the hospital in Lancaster, the squad sat around the waiting area by Olivia's room. Brian and Nick had finally returned from the airport with Don - it had been a bittersweet reunion, seeing the captain they all loved so much but under such horrific circumstances. It had been especially shocking for Don to see Elliot there. Just like Fin, there had been a huge part of him that wanted to be angry with him for what he'd put Olivia through when he left without a word but the bigger part of him - the part of him that understood who and what they were to each other; what they would always be even after three long years of separation, that part knew that Olivia would need the man who would always be her best friend even if she didn't realize it at the moment. And it was with this in mind that upon coming face to face and quietly standing before one another, neither of the two mean sure of what to say or do, Don took a step forward and threw his arms around the man he'd grown to love like a son and had missed terribly since he'd disappeared without a word almost four years ago. Elliot hugging Don just as tightly and the two men nearly in tears.

... ... ...

"So the whole retirement was all just a cover?" Don asked. He and Elliot had been talking for the better part of an hour after having left the group to catch up.

"I'm sorry cap. I wanted to tell you..."

"...but rules had to be followed. I get it. What I'm concerned about are your intentions now." The older man said to his former detective.

"The same as they've always been... I just wanna take care of her; whatever she needs."

"Then that's good enough for me. Just... Don't push her. She'll need time. Even without what she's been through, the shock of seeing you again must be overwhelming in itself."

"...for both of us" Elliot mused quietly, sentimentally while preoccupying himself with the now-cold contents of his coffee cup.

"How does she seem?" Cragen asked. Elliot paused, pondering the question then released a deep sigh before meeting the older man's gaze.

"Lost."

... ... ...

_"_Fin, you gotta be exhausted!" Amanda was starting to worry about her partner. He hadn't left the hospital in the two days since they'd gotten here and his weariness was showing.

"I'm alright" Fin insisted, rubbing his tired eyes

"You look like you're gonna pass out. Why don't you go on back to the hotel and get some sleep?"

"Yeah, we can hold things down, here" Brian chimed in. "You need to rest, you're no good to Liv or anyone worn out."

"She might wake up..."

"The doctor said she'll be out for the night and you heard Cassidy, they're here. Fin, come on, please?" Amanda asked, gently placing her hand on his forearm.

"Look, if she wakes up and needs you, I'll call" Nick promised. "The hotel is five minutes from here, you can get here before she misses you."

"We'll take care of her" Brian assured him.

"_You _won't do anything. Man we talked about this!" Fin reminded him. "She doesn't wanna see you right nownow."

"Fin come on, she's just confused!"

"Confused or not, it's her choice and until she clears her head you and Stabler keep your distance."

"I think it's bullshit but whatever... I'm going for a walk!" Brian huffed, quite annoyed."

"He'll be back, he's just frustrated" Amanda said with a sympathetic tone.

"We all are. He's just an ass, thinking about himself as usual. I don't know what the hell Liv ever saw in that jerk!" Nick seethed.

"It's not for us to know, it's between them." Fin advised. "If you're just gonna fight with Cassidy there's no way I'm leaving!"

"Nah... I told you that I put it aside for Liv and I meant it. Go. Get something to eat, grab a shower and sleep. I'll watch over Liv. We all will"

Fin turned it over in his head for a moment before answering.

"Nobody gets in that room who isn't medical personnel!" He ordered.

"Got it."

"Arlow already talked to her today so he shouldn't be back tonight but if he does..."

"...call you. Fin, I got this." Nick insisted "Now get outta here."

"I'm gonna head back to the hotel too." Amanda said as she stood to leave with Fin.

"You sure?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, I... Have some work to catch up on and I have to um...send Murphy some files so..." She lied, fidgeting and not bothering to make eye contact. The truth was she still couldn't stand being here with Olivia like this - it hurt too much. She had been so thankful that Fin had sent her shopping; given her something to do earlier to keep her busy. It kept her away from the hospital, but at the same time she got to do something for Olivia.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow?" Nick asked.

"Yeah. Say goodnight to cap for me?" Nick nodded.

"I'll be here first thing in the morning." Fin said before turning to leave.

* * *

.

In Pennsylvania, Bronwyn sat in the hospital chapel in somewhat of a daze as tears trailed her face. She hadn't noticed her attorney entering until the woman placed her hand upon her shoulder.

"Bronwyn... The car is waiting; we should go." Marilyn said coldly.

"I'm not ready"

"There's nothing left for you to do here..."

"I just lost my husband. Tell the driver to FUCKING WAIT!" She screamed.

"You don't see it now but this is for the absolute best. Now we can begin the process of distancing you from this mess."

"Marilyn..."

"Don't _Marilyn_ me! I will be outside in the car, if you are not out in ten minutes, I come in a drag you out!" The woman said before turning on her heels and leaving the chapel, her eight-hundred-dollar pumps clicking against the floor.

When the door closed, Bronwyn looked up at the stained-glass window...

"God, first William and now my Harlan. What more will you take from me?"

She closed her eyes to allow the last of her tears to fall and when she opened them, she saw Harlan, in flowing robes, floating above the altar, an ethereal glow emanating from him.

"My love!"

"There is much work ahead of us, my child!" He said, smiling with arms outstretched.

"I won't forget"

"Keep true to the path I have set for you. Only you can avenge me. The whore must pay... Make her pay!"

"I promise, my love, she will pay! If it's with my dying breath, I will make her pay!"

She was already too far gone to see that she was slipping into madness.

* * *

.

A couple hours later, Sam was on his way home and driving down the road that went past Harlan's house. He had driven a few yards past when a double-take made him do a U-turn and drive back toward the house.

He stopped his car on the side of the road and just as he thought, there it was. Through the trees, parked down the dirt road that served as a driveway, his father's car in front of Sheriff Holmes' house.

"What the hell?" He wondered before steering his car onto the property then got out and walked the rest of the way down the dirt path toward the house.

... ... ...

"I gotta find those damn recordings!" Doc said to himself while searching the basement with a flashlight. He didn't dare turn of the lights so as not to draw attention from passers-by.

"They have to be here! If the cops get their hands on them...no, don't think like that, Doc. They have to be here somewhere." He said with determination. "Come on, you son of a bitch, where'd you stash em?"

"Stash what?" Sam asked, startling his father as he appeared behind him."

"Son"

"You're supposed to be at work. What are you doing here?" He asked, turning on the overhead light.

"I could ask you the same thing."

"I was on my way home and I saw your car."

"So you decided to spy on me?"

"What? No, dad what the hell's goin on here? Why are you in this house...and in the basement no less?"

Doc hung his head and gave a deep sigh.

"Son... Do you love me?"

"Of course I love you" Sam answered, though confused by his father's question.

"Then I need you to help me."

"Help you with what? Dad, what's..."

"I'm in trouble, son. Big trouble, and you're the only person I can trust!"

* * *

**.**

**Does Doc tell Sam the truth? What is Bronwyn going to do? **


	23. What's Done In The Dark

**Chapter 23. I do not use a beta, so please, forgive any typos I may have missed.**

* * *

**This chapter contains material involving a minor that some of you may find as unsettling as I did while writing it. So please, know your limits and take caution when reading. **

**.**

"_Please stop, you'll hurt the baby!" _The detectives at the Lancaster police department watched a badly-beaten Olivia scream while scurrying backwards into a corner, terrified and wiping blood from her nose as she curled herself protectively around her small bump in a bid to ward off Harlan's attack in the bathroom. The man had beaten the bloody hell out of her yet again and even though she tried to fight him off, there wasn't much she could do against a man of his size and strength.

"I'm out!" Officer Sweeney said, using the remote to pause the video that was playing on the large monitor before tossing the remote onto the table that was piled high with the evidence that had been collected from Harlan's home.

"What do you mean _out?_" Arlow asked. He, Sweeney and a couple other officers had been tasked with watching the videos found in the search and they were all nauseated and angered beyond words. They didn't have things like this happen in their town and even when they did, It was never to this degree.

"…just what I said" Sweeney reiterated as he stood up "…out; I can't watch anymore of this!" for hours they watched video after video of Olivia being raped over and over; brutalized and degraded in ways that would make hardened criminals flinch and Harlan made sure that the camera's he had wired to those rooms recorded everything he did to her.

"Like we get a choice." Arlow reminded him. The abduction was all on Holmes but there were at least twenty other men involved in raping this woman over the three months she was in that house; all of them possibly local men and we have to comb through this shit to identify them, hopefully she can tell us who they are."

"Chief…"

"Sweeney, I know"

"She's pregnant! He beats her like a fucking animal and she's pregnant – with his kid!" The young detective couldn't stop his tears and cried them unashamed as the other detectives watched in silent empathy. We've watch _how_ many of these videos? And in one after the other this sick fuck beats her till she can't pick herself up then rapes her till she's damn near unconscious… I've seen him slice her open at least five times so far and we're not even halfway through this shit! She's pregnant…"I got a mother, I got sisters who are mothers, the oldest... She's pregnant; this could've just as easily been one of them!"

"…or my wife, or my daughters or any of the women any of us love; we never know what's out there, the best we can do is try to make the world a little safer by locking these monsters away from society. Holmes or Lewis, or whoever the hell he was, is dead, we can't make him pay for what he's done but I looked sergeant Benson in the eye and I promised her that we would get the rest of these bastards and we will!

* * *

.

"What are you trying to tell me, dad?" Sam was unnerved by his father's tone, worried, and he braced himself for what might follow as he took a seat on the basement stairs.

"Son… do you remember how I told you that things aren't always what they seem?" Doc asked, his mouth dry and his dead spinning as he thought about how to spin this as the words left his mouth.

"Yes, sir."

"Well, son… things that went on in this house… I found out too late the kind of man Lucius Holmes really is."

"What does that mean?"

"I…" Doc started, taking and releasing a deep breath before continuing. "Son, I…knew that that woman was in this house." He confessed.

"WHAT?" Sam couldn't believe the words that had just left his father's mouth.

"It's not what you think…"

"Then what the hell is it? Huh? My father just told me that he had knowledge of someone being held against their will and hurt- terribly hurt; a pregnant woman no less!" he yelled as he stood and stepped toward his father, hands bawling into fists as he looked down angrily at the man he loved more than anything, only second to his mother. His rage was quick and Doc, for the first time, found himself afraid of his own son.

"Pregnant? I- I had no idea" Doc stammered, remembering when he'd found out that Olivia had escaped, how some of his primary worries had been that he and his buddies wouldn't get to fuck her once her belly grew big or nurse on her milk. "How did you…?"

"I overheard the doctor when I got her to the hospital. So you tell me how – better yet WHY you did nothing to stop what Sheriff Holmes was doing to her if you knew!"

"I only found out the day she escaped!" More lies. "Lucius called me that morning… asked me to come over right away, said he needed me. When I got to his house he took me upstairs and there she was, it was the first time I lay eyes on her. There was blood everywhere and he needed me to stitch her up."

"Why?"

"Her leg… it was in bad shape – sliced open almost to the bone and she was losing a lot of blood. I knew something was wrong; her face looked like she just got out of a boxing ring – eye black and swollen shut, lips split…" that part was true. "she was begging me to help her, to stop the bleeding and so I did, I stitched her thigh as best I could and I told Lucius that we needed t get her to a hospital. He said I was right but then as I was packing my bag, I felt a something cold against my neck and…" he began pretending to cry.

"And what? Dad what happened"

"I'm so ashamed of myself"

"Tell me what happened." Sam insisted.

"Son… it was a gun. He uh… he m-made me take off my clothes and…" Now he wept, determined to convince Sam. "And then he put the gun to her head and threatened to pull the trigger if I didn't get on top of her. She started to cry but you have to understand, he said he'd kill her and I had to try… I didn't want to do it but I couldn't let him hurt her and she begged me to do it. She said she knew he was serious and she didn't wanna die, so I…"

"No!" Sam was suddenly sick to his stomach.

"I was trying to save her life!"

"BY RAPING HER?!" Sam screamed and before he could stop himself, his fist was flying at his father's face and he hit the older man with furious strength, knocking him into the cinderblock wall and sending him sinking down to the floor leaving Doc cowering as he looked up at his son with shock and terror in his eyes as Sam got down and straddled him, grabbing him by the collar with both hands and shaking him. "How could you? After what happened to Ashley…"

Ashley was Sam's older sister and they were extremely close, but when Ashley was thirteen and Sam was eleven, something in her changed and she became withdrawn, a change that lasted for weeks and had their parents afraid and not sure how to help her, especially when she began lashing out. finally, nearing the end of Summer that year, Ashley ran away from home, leaving behind a letter to her parents that revealed that she had been raped and couldn't deal with it anymore. She left and told everyone they shouldn't bother looking for her and that she'd never return. That was thirteen years ago.

"Ashley could still come home one day, we don't know…but this; Son, neither of us had a choice!" Doc cried while holding his jaw, blood pouring from his mouth. Sam released his grip on his father and slowly got up and began pacing back and forth, his mind trying desperately to process this insanity while doc scrambled to his feet.

"She knew it, and I knew it - he would have killed us both and she begged me; BEGGED ME not to let him hurt her. He took pictures and video with his phone, said it was for insurance that I'd keep my mouth shut and then he made me get dressed and threw me out. That's why I'm here, I knew he had to have it stashed somewhere in this house and I wanted to find it before the police did."

"You didn't do this, my father did not take part in brutalizing that woman… oh god!" he cried with a sudden realization hitting him hard. "That's why she was so interested when I said your name; she was remembering what you did to her!" Doc never even saw the next punch coming but went down just as hard on impact, stumbling backward into a plywood bookshelf that smashed under Doc's weight before the man hit the floor.

"I was only trying to help…Son, please!"

"Why didn't you go to the police?"

"He said he'd kill her and show them the video and that if he went down, he'd tell them I raped her and take me down with him."

"And so you did nothing? You just left and went on with your life while she stayed locked in that house having God-knows-what done to her and you justify this how?"

"Samuel"

"No! You stay the hell away from me! And as far as finding whatever twisted evidence you're looking for, the police have swept this place clean so whatever it is you're looking for, they have it!" Sam yelled before heading back up the basement stairs.

"Son, where are you going?"

"Away from you!"

"Samuel..." He called after his son but Sam ignored him and continued his ascension. "Son, you're the only one I trusted with this... THE ONLY ONE!"

Doc heard the upstairs door slam and he agrily kicked the wooden crate that sat at the base of the stairs.

"He's upset right now but at the end of the day, he's loyal to his dad. he won't sell you out Doc, just give him space, and in the meantime, you gotta silence that whore before she identifies you!"

* * *

.

"…_then one night, He took me downstairs – it was the first time he'd ever allowed me out of that room since he'd taken me. I didn't know why, he…he wouldn't tell me but I… we um, I ended up in a room in the basement. I was gang raped by twelve men while he watched… it went on the entire night and it took me a week to recover…"_

At the hotel, after a hot shower and dinner in his room, Fin lay in bed trying for the last couple hours to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. Now that the quiet had set in and he wasn't preoccupied with talking to anyone or holding things down, he couldn't get his mind off Liv's statement to Arlow and he wished to god that he hadn't heard it but was, at the same time glad that she felt she could trust him enough to let him. Finally deciding to give up on sleep, Fin got rolled over and got out of bed, deciding to turn on the television and find something to watch. He wandered into the living room area and parked himself on the couch. There was a marathon playing of some old 1970's sitcom that he remembered watching as a kid and so he made himself comfortable as he dialed Nick to check on things at the hospital.

Twenty minutes and another episode later, Nick had assured him that everything was good and Liv was still sleeping. Fin was grabbing a drink when there was a knock at the door he made his way ver, opening it and surprised to see Amanda standing there.

"Couldn't sleep either?" she asked as she walked in.

"Nope. You okay?" Fin asked as they walked back to the couch and took a seat.

"Yeah, I just needed to hear somethin other than the sound of my own breathin. I feel like I'm losin it!"

"I could use the company"

"What are we watchin?" she asked, noticing the tv was on.

"Good times! My favorite show growin up." Fin said with a smile.

"I know this show! Nick at Nite used to play this when I was a kid." She said with a fond smiled as she pulled her feet up under her and got comfy on the couch, laying her head on Fins shoulder.

"What about you, how you doin?" She asked, eyes cast upward to look at him.

"You know me…" Fin shrugged

"Yeah, I do, which is why I need you to take care of yourself."

"Hey, I'm good. I just want Liv to be okay, that's my only concern." There was a brief silence as Amanda turned his words over in her head.

"Fin?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think she will be?" Rollins asked. Fin gave it some thought before finally answering.

"You know, it's… she's never... I just don't know at this point. I'm so... But then I remind myself that it's only been a couple days since she got away. In her head she's still there and I..."

"They put her through it."

"You don't know the half." Amanda looked down, noticing the bandaging in Fin's forearms.

"So what happened?" She asked.

"I don't really know. That Sam kid came by and I guess he said something that triggered..."

_He replayed in his mind, with terror, watching Olivia tearing at her own skin while gripped in the throes of the flashback, pleading with some unseen force to stop hurting her. She was wide awake but trapped in a nightmare, not realizing that her nails had dug out her own flesh as well as Fin's and having a meltdown when she snapped out of it and saw the damage she'd done._

"She just..." Fin bit the inside of his cheek hard trying to keep his tears at bay. "I don't know what to do for her." His voice was quiet, cracking with the emotions that were strangling him as he leant forward and hung his head.

"Fin..."

"Every day for the last three months; especially these last two days, I been asking myself how this happened again; how we let another sick fuck get his hands on her, how we didn't protect her... After the first time there's no way it should have happened again but we let it and I don't know if she can come back this time."

"You sound like Nick... Just like Nick. Do you really think this will keep her down? Because the Olivia Benson I know and love, that woman's a fighter and you've known her a lot longer than me. I know how bad it looks right now, god I know, and I'd be lyin if I said it doesn't scare the hell out of me but she'll come back...I mean she has to."

"Honestly, with what she's been through, I wouldn't blame her if she decided to check out and settle for a straightjacket.

Fin looked over when he heard Amanda's sniffles and saw that she was crying.

"Hey, come on, don't do that." he soothed as he pulled her close. "Don't cry."

" I can't help it." She wept, her head resting against his chest as he wrapped both arms around her. "I been trying to swallow all of this cuz I know how much Liv needs us but Fin, it's wrong! All of this is just wrong!"

"I know"

"I've been trying so hard but I don't know what to say to her or how to even look at her without falling apart... she dun need that. I hate that son of a bitch for what he's done!" She sobbed angrily.

"Shhhh, it's okay. Just let it out" Fin gave Amanda the shoulder she needed and they continued talking well into the early hours of the morning until finally, Amanda fell asleep in his arms and he carried her to his room and settled her in his bed before he grabbed his things and headed back to the hospital.

* * *

.

Doc arrived home well after midnight, surprised to find his wife wide awake in their living room, going through pictures in an old family album.

"You're home... I was expecting Sam." Grace said, having looked up upon hearing him enter the room. " Robert, what on earth happened to your face?" She asked worriedly as he sat beside her.

"I stopped the car short so I wouldn't hit a deer and my face slammed against the steering I'm okay...turns out they didn't need me the the whole night after all." He lied, remembering his excuse about being at work. "So Sam's not home?" He asked.

"Not yet, I just assumed you were him. Are you sure you're alright?" Her fingers gently skimmed his badly bruised face.

"I'll be fine, and I'm sure Sam'll be here soon." He said with a kiss to her hand. "What's this?" He asked of the photo album in her lap.

"I couldn't sleep. Ashley was really heavy on my mind tonight so I decided to torture myself with old pictures."

"Honey..."

"I know. I just miss her so much... Sometimes the pictures help... She would have turned 27 this past spring." She said as she swatted the tears that always came when she spoke of her only daughter.

"She could still be out there"

"No. She's not." Grace wept "I'm her mother... I carried her inside me nine months, I nursed her at my breast for two years... We had a bond that was unlike anything in this world, one that I've only ever experienced again with Sam. If she were alive I'd feel it but she's gone. I felt it two weeks after she left... A light died in me and I knew it was her... She was such a beautiful girl. Just starting to become a woman..."

Doc knew all-too-well what his daughter was becoming and staring at the picture of her on her thirteenth birthday... it was almost as if she were right in front of him.

_Ashley had definitely need a daddy's girl. She loved her father more than the whole world, he was her hero and Doc loved his little girl - but not as a father should. He never dreamed of looking at his daughter in an unclean way - until she turned 12 and her body began changing; suddenly there were bumps and curves taking away her little girl appearance - curves that developed beautifully over Ashley's slender frame. He couldn't help but notice her supple breasts, tiny waist and newly ample hips and backside. He fought the urges to look, feeling himself becoming aroused whenever she came near him. Her plump, rosy lips and dark, thick hair that hung to her waist... He'd begun imagining those lips around his shaft, her huge blue eyes looking up at him while he was in her mouth, or him grabbing a fistful of her hair while pounding mercilessly into her from behind, her perfect porcelain skin turning bright red from the force with which he'd take her. He'd grow hard just imagining what her moans would sound like. _

_He ignored his urges for as long as he could but eventually the boys began to take notice of his stunning daughter and Ashley noticed right back and began dating just after her thirteenth birthday that April. This didn't sit well with Doc and every time she'd go out with a boy he'd spend the evening wondering if the young man was touching Ashley and jealousy would consume him to the point where one night after he picked her up from a date, he pulled the car over and inspected her body to see what she'd been doing. He'd found a secluded area and made her undress, then took his time and searched and searched her naked body while she trembled in terror beneath his touch as tears ran down her face._

_"Almost done princess" he cooed as he dropped to his knees and spread her lips apart with his fingers. He had already thoroughly inspected her backside this way._

_"Daddy please..." she sobbed, her arms crossed over her chest to cover her nakedness. "I promise w-we didn't d-d-do anything!" Her tears came in torrents; her nose dripping globs of snot as she cried uncontrollably while her father violated her. Doc could remember exactly how she tasted the second he put his mouth to her clitoris, explaining to her that he'd be able to tell from her taste if she'd let a boy touch her there. Against her will, brought on by her own father, Ashley experienced her first orgasm that night and she'd never felt so filthy in her young life and would spend the next week trying to scrub his touch from her body. Doc however, was fueled by that night and his fantasies grew sicker until finally he could take no more and decided that he would be his daughter's first and one week later, while Sam was at a sleepover and Grace was at bible study, he raped their daughter in her perfect pink bedroom in her princess canopy bed, taking no care to be even slightly gentle with her while she cried and begged him to stop. When he was done and Ashley lay naked and sobbing in her bed, sheets now stained with her virgin blood and she, unable to comprehend what her father had just done to her..._

_"You were so good, princess. Ohhh but I knew you would be!"_

_"Daddy... You hurt me!"_

_"Don't worry" he said as he stroked her hair and kissed her tears. "It only hurts the first time, but soon it's gonna feel so good, you're gonna want your daddy inside your sweet little cunt every day. I promise. Now you get cleaned up and get some sleep." He said as he turned to leave._

_"Oh and, Ash, do you love you mother and brother?" _

_"Yes..."_

_"Well if you ever tell about us - if you ever tell anyone, I'll kill them both" He said with complete nonchalance and left the room, closing the door behind him._

"She was absolutely perfect!" He agreed. ..."our princess!" He wiped away the false tears he'd forced and pulled his wife into his embrace. "We'll see her again. I know we will!"

* * *

.

Meanwhile, at the Lancaster police department, the desk sergeant greeted the young man who entered the station.

"What can I do for you?"

"Chief Arlow, is he here?"

"He is. Who shall I say..."

"Uh, Taylor... My name is Sam Taylor." Sam said nervously.

"Okay Sam, why don't you have a seat and I'll get the chief." Peters said as he picked up the phone. Moments later, Arlow appeared.

"Sam?" He called as he approached the young man. Sam immediately stood to his feet and shook the older man's hand.

"Sir."

"What brings you by?"

"I...I um...I might have something for you in sergeant Benson's case" he couldn't believe what he was about to do but even if his father couldn't live by the principles he'd instilled in Sam, Sam would and had come to do the right thing "...but first I um, I need to speak with her as soon as possible... and I need you there when I do."

* * *

**.**

**Gotta love Sam! See y'all soon.**


	24. Doc

**Hello sweet people, I'm back and I come bearing an equally sweet and happy chapter so I hope you all like it because I worked really hard to bring some sunshine and light into this dark story and if you believe that, then Dick Wolf is my uncle and I'm actually a princess. But seriously,light is coming… just not yet. Wait for it. Y'all know the usual disclaimers and they all apply here - Dick's is Dick's and mine is mine, enjoy!**

* * *

***chapter contains rape, incest and violence***

.

"You do realize that you wouldn't be able to talk to Benson before morning – if she'll even agree to speak with you at all." Chief Arlow reminded Sam, handing the young man a cup of coffee as they sat in his small office.

"Yes sir, I do." Sam graciously thanked Arlow as he accepted the cup of steaming liquid from the man and took a cautious sip before setting the cup down on the old, worn mahogany desk.

"You wanna give me the details?" Arlow asked, taking a sip from his own cup.

"I'm afraid there's not much I can tell you until after I speak with Sergeant Benson."

"Why is that?"

"It's complicated." Sam answered simply. There was a war raging inside him, fighting between doing what he knew was the right thing and protecting the father he loved even if right now he didn't like him very much and it was tearing him apart.

"How did you some across this information you have?"

"I… My father..."

"Your father? And how did he get involved in this?"

Sam was silent for a long moment; one in which he wanted to run out the toor and never look back, a moment where he wished with all his heart that tonight had never happened, that he had never found his father in that house and that his father had never told him what Sheriff Holmes had forced him to do to Olivia because the images would never leave his head.

"Sir, my father…my father and Lucius Holmes were good friends and I..."

"You...?"

"I found out that my father may have been... He may have been a participant in some of what happened to that woman."

"_Some_ of?"

"He... You know, maybe, maybe coming here was a bad idea, I..." Sam stammered as he moved to stand up

"Sam, hold on. Now you obviously came here because you want to do the right thing, you wanna help Sergeant Benson because you know that what was done to her... Sam please, how might your father have been involved in this?"

Sam sighed before reclaiming his seat and began fidgeting with the coffee cup that he had placed upon Arlow's desk as he tried to find the words to explain to the Chief.

"Sheriff Holmes...my father _says_ Sheriff Holmes forced him at gunpoint to have...to be..._intimate_ with her."

"With Sergeant Benson?"

"Yes sir."

"...and did he say why Holmes would force him to do this?" Arlow couldn't recall Olivia ever having mentioned such a situation though he knew that it was common for victims traumatized by rape to have memory gaps and with Olivia having been held in that house a little over three months, perhaps this was one of the things that had yet to come back to her. With this in mind he listened objectively to what Sam had to say.

"He said that Holmes called him to the house three days ago to stitch up a wound."

"To...?"

"...my father used to be a doctor, and well, the townsfolk call him when...anyway, my father says he got to Holmes place and..."

Arlow sat quietly listening, his stomach turning as Sam recounted word for word the story that his father had told him and as he listened he couldn't help putting together the pieces of Olivia's statement.

"...and I need to know from her if my father is telling the truth." Sam concluded

"Sam I wanna show you a picture..." Arlow said as he reached for a file on his desk. "I want you to tell me if you recognize the man you see." He said as he removed a photo from the folder and slid it across the desk to the young man who recognized it right away.

"Why do you have a picture of my father?"

"This man is your father?"

"Yes sir. Where did you get this?"

"From a video that was found in the house where Sergeant Benson was held against her will for three months. This still is from a recording made eight weeks ago." Arlow informed a shocked Sam before pulling others from the file and placing them on top of the first.

"These are from two weeks ago and this one, three days ago."

"But how is that possible? My father said..."

"Your father lied. We showed these pictures to Benson and she identified this man as someone that she knew only as "Doc"."

"That's his nickname but..."

"Son I could get in a heap of trouble for telling you any of this, but Lucius Holmes never forced your father to do anything. According to Sergeant Benson, this man not only raped her on three separate occasions - of his own volition in the last two of those three months, but says he also took part in gang raping her twice and I'm inclined to believe her."

_"Sam… You said your father didn't know I was inside the house; had he been there while…?"_

_"Yeah, a few times, Doc and him were old buddies"_

_"Doc?"_

He remembered the terror in Olivia's voice when she said his father's name and suddenly he felt as if his whole world had collapsed beneath him. He sat there in that chair in Arlow's office shocked to his core, unable to speak, unable to move, and quickly turning a sickly-pale white.

"My..." Was all he could utter as his eyes filled with tears that he couldn't stop from falling.

"Sam, we need to bring your father in for questioning if we have any hope of finding the rest of the men who assaulted this woman. Holmes is dead, he escaped his justice but we can't let the rest of them..." His tone was soft, empathetic. Sam was in turmoil, Arlow could clearly see it and tried his best to make this as easy as he could for the young man, except there was no _easy_ in discovering that your own father was a vile, despicable predator. Yet still, in spite of this; in spite of Sam's first instinct to protect the man who had loved and raised him, his second instinct to do the right thing was even stronger. It didn't matter that this was his father, no one deserved the hell Olivia had been put through and he wished in this moment that someone had done the right thing for Ashley... _God, Ashley... After knowing what someone had done to his own daughter how could my father... _It was too much to comprehend and he couldn't fall apart, not now, not when he knew what he had to do. And it was with this in mind that he swallowed the lump that had settled in his chest and sniffed back his tears before looking Arlow in the eye.

"I'll take you to him."

* * *

.

After their moment of reminiscing about Ashley, Doc told Grace that he needed a little time alone, that he wanted to go for a drive to clear his head but little did Grace know, her husband's idea of "clearing his head" was to make sure that his victim wouldn't be around to identify him.

He'd dressed in his old scrubs and coat, changing in the garage and grabbing his stethoscope, his old hospital badge and his bag before getting into his car. At this hour there was no traffic, he'd get to the hospital in Lancaster in no time, and he thought about Ashley the whole ride there and wondered how much more devastated Grace would have been had she known that Ashley had been pregnant when she left.

_His visits with Ashley had become a weekly thing, going to her room every Wednesday night while her mother was away at bible study and he'd always find a reason to get Sam out of the house as well. When Wednesdays would roll around, Ashley would find herself filled with dread to the point of making herself physically ill and when seven pm would come, everything in her wanted to beg her mother not to leave but she remembered what her father had told her – if she gave her mom or brother any reason to be suspicious, there would be hell to pay for all of them. And so, instead of going to her mother for the protection she so desperately needed from her father, she suffered the anguish of having to watch her only salvation walk out the door week after week and unknowingly leave her at her father's mercy._

_By the third week, he had graduated to forcing his daughter to watch porn and act out the things she saw. she vomited the first time he forced her to take him in her mouth and as punishment, he held her face in it and reveled in listening to her cry while he did her from behind. As the weeks passed, his visits to her increased and he was seeing her as much as three times a week. Finding that it was easier if he did it outside of the house, he and sheriff Holmes had been carrying on with their perverse behavior for a few years now and he had been bragging to the man about what a sweet piece of ass his baby girl was. Harlan immediately insisted that Doc use his place to have more access to her on the condition that he got to have her at least one night a week. Doc agreed and he would force Ashley to lie to her mother that she had plans with friends and then he'd drive to Harlan's place where he, or Harlan or both of them would have their way with her before dragging her back home and forcing her to put on an act for her mom and brother that everything was okay._

_Doc was the first to find out. Since all of this started, he'd regularly have Ashley take home pregnancy tests to keep himself a step ahead of the game. If she were to fall pregnant, the plan was abortion and life would carry on but he didn't count on that positive test pushing Ashley over the edge. Nor did he count on waking up one morning in the middle of the night, three days later to a hysterical wife. She had gotten up to check on her daughter, she thought that Ashley had a stomach virus this past week and refused to let her out of her sight until she was feeling better and stayed with her around the clock, Ashley had never felt so safe but taking that test destroyed the girl, she didn't even know who'd fathered the child she was carrying but she knew that she didn't want to abort the baby, and her father would surely force her to; he'd already made plans._

_That night after everyone had gone to sleep, Ashley packed a small bag, grabbed al the money she'd saved from allowances and babysitting then wrote her mother a letter and left it on the pillow where she knew her mom would find it. The pages of the letter were heavily stained with the young girls' tears that fell onto the paper as she wrote it. She told her mother that she'd been raped and couldn't live with it anymore and had to leave. By the time Grace found the letter at three in the morning, Ashley had been long gone. Grace called the police while Doc took the car and drove around to see if he could find her, he did, an hour later. She was on the road, trying to hitchhike her way out of town and when she noticed that it was her father's car, she tried to run but he caught up to her and forced her into the car where he, in a panic drove her to Harlan's house where they decided to keep her locked up as their sex slave all the while pretending to grieve with his wife and son, pretending not to know where their daughter was while Harlan conducted and screwed up the investigation into her disappearance._

"Poor Gracie, you were right about that light extinguishing after Ashley left." He said to himself with mock sympathy.

_It was two weeks to the day. Ashley had decided to fight back and Doc and "Lucius" assaulted her horribly to teach her a lesson– violent sex and beatings until her young body gave up, and by the time they stopped and locked her back in her room she had begun to miscarry, hemorrhaging and bleeding to death alone in that room before her body ever had a chance to expel the fetus. She screamed, begging again and again for her father to take pity and help her but there was no one there to hear her cries. The next morning when they found her, Harlan dug a grave in the dirt floor of his old barn and he and Doc threw the child's body in and never looked back._

"No time for what could've been!" he said menacingly and sped on to his destination.

* * *

.

Doc hadn't set foot in this place in over ten years and was thankful that pretty much everyone he'd worked with back then was gone. He'd been a private practice doctor but often found himself here when his patients required hospitalization. As usual this time of night, the information desk was left unattended and Doc helped himself to the computer, quickly typing in Olivia's name to find her room and heading up.

He stepped off the elevator and the few young nurses who were on duty paid him no mind as he walked through the dimly lit halls, the sound of his own footsteps deafening against the quiet even in spite of his sneaker-clad feet. He reached the section of the hall where Olivia's room was and quickly scurried out of sight when he saw the door open and a slender, dark haired Latino man exit. The man stopped and stood in front of the door while he pulled his phone from his pocket and, Doc assumed, sent a text message to someone before returning the phone to his pocket and making his way down the hall in the opposite direction to the small waiting area and Doc parked himself to make sure that the coast was clear for him to slip into Olivia's room.

He'd known all along that Harlan recorded what they did in that basement room – whenever they got a new girl, Harlan recorded everything and kept a ledger of all participants as insurance against anyone ever going to the police about their activities and it was no different with Olivia, the camera was rolling for the entirety of both group nights as well as upstairs the times that Doc had been alone with her and had he been thinking clearly, he'd have realized that whatever trail Harlan had left behind was in police custody and made no bearing on what Olivia said or didn't say so harming her would make no difference one way or another, the police had all the evidence they needed to put him away – to put all of them away but Doc wasn't thinking clearly, he was thinking like a desperate man and desperation always trumped logic and it was with this desperation that after watching her door for fifteen minutes, he took the final steps to close the gap between himself and his target; intending to shut her up for good!

* * *

.

"She okay?" Elliot asked, giving Nick a cup of coffee as he took a seat. He'd just handed cups of the brew to Brian and Don as Nick walked in and he now took a sip from his own cup as he settled into the chair.

"Yeah…still sleeping. Thanks man." He said as he accepted the cup and took a seat.

"Any idea on when they'll let her out of here?" Brian asked.

"A couple days..." Nick supposed.

"I don't know man, I just think being here, so close to where everything… I just think she'd do a lot better if she could get home back to familiar surroundings; her home, her job…" Suddenly realizing what he'd said, Brian, along with the rest of the room went quiet for a long moment.

"She won't have a job with SVU anymore will she?" He asked with a sigh.

"I don't even wanna think what that might do to her." Elliot said angrily. This job…for Liv, it's her life! She's traumatized but this would have only made her more determined to put these fuckers away!"

"But she never will again because now NYPD sees her as a risk; it was hard enough after Lewis, but now there's no way they're gonna trust her with victims, all they'll see is a woman with a score to settle!" Nick was livid as he began pacing the small room. He did it… that son of a bitch did what his psycho son couldn't and took absolutely everything from her!" Nick turned and hit the wall before storming out of the waiting area, deciding that he needed fresh air.

"Amaro…" Brian called after him.

"Let him go." Don said patiently with a sigh, fully understanding Nick's anger at the situation. He'd never wanted to take a drink more than he did at this moment.

"Junior's a hothead." Elliot observed, his eyes following the younger man.

"...remind you of anyone?" Don smirked as he stood and excused himself to go to the bathroom, none of them aware of the danger lurking in Olivia's room.

* * *

.

She felt pressure on her chest as if there were a weight holding her down and she was unable to move as panic seeped in and her mind began screaming, telling her to wake up from whatever new nightmare she was having. Unfortunately, the strength of the sedative she'd been given made it hard to cut through the haze and nearly impossible to rouse herself from her deep sleep but eventually she was able to and when she opened her eyes…

"Listen to me, whore!" Doc whispered angrily on top of her, straddling her torso. Olivia struggled beneath him, his huge, hairy hand clamped tightly over her mouth so that she was unable to scream, and her arms pinned at her sides, held in place by Doc's thighs. She couldn't move and tears spilled down the sides of her face while absolute terror gripped her from inside. This wasn't happening. He wasn't here and any minute, she would really wake up and everything would be alright.

"Stop fighting or I'll give you more of what you got the last time I saw this gorgeous face…" he gave a wicked grin as she felt the unmistakable cold steel of the barrel of a gun against her temple.

She knew now that this was actually happening and her heart began pounding even harder against her ribcage as she felt the gun now trailing up her thigh. "You remember how much you loved it inside you, huh? You screamed like you didn't want it but I know you loved it; stretched that pretty cunt so good it's a wonder that Lucius was able to fuck you once I was done! You want it again don't you baby?"

She remembered too well the blinding pain Doc had inflicted on her just days ago, he'd torn her and she felt herself rip and _Oh God!_ she squeezed her eyes shut to block out the memory while trying just as hard to tell herself that this wasn't happening in spite of knowing and that it was, and forcing herself to obey and stop struggling. But there was nothing she could do about the tremors that shook her body with such force even her teeth chattered as she sobbed beneath Doc's hand. He loved the absolute power he brandished in this moment. He could smell her fear and it made his dick hard while making Olivia nauseous at feeling his erection against her stomach and her mind began racing, wondering why no one was coming to help her.

"You spoiled the fun, running away before the _real_ fun could even get started…I had such plans for you and the little one. Lucius promised her to me if it was a girl." He recalled wistfully as he pressed his hard on against her small bump and began rocking back and forth against it, creating friction against his penis and loving the feeling this contact gave him. It took everything in Olivia to force back the bile that was now in her throat.

"...he was just gonna start over till you gave him that boy, you know. But now nobody gets anything because like all women, you had to be a selfish whore and run. I hate having my fun spoiled, but I hate having my freedom threatened even more. I won't go down like Lucius did, you hear me you filthy slut?"

Olivia was crying so hard beneath his hand that she was starting to hyperventilate but was terrified of trying to fight him off because she knew he'd make good on his threat.

"Such a shame you gotta go...you were one of _the_ best fucks I ever had! But don't worry, I'll make it painless...after I make it feel good one last time." He grinned with a lick to his lips while she frantically shook her head 'no' trying to force her breathing to steady before she blacked out.

"Now I'm gonna take my hand away, but bitch if you scream, so help me god I will make you regret it. We clear?"

_God please not again...please! _She prayed in her head, but only found herself crying harder when she felt the gun between her legs, pressing at her opening.

_"If you need help, I can help you..." Suddenly she was back there, in that beach house and could feel his arms as he effortlessly lifted her from the bed then shoved her toward the bathroom, she could feel his hands roaming, fingers exploring before being replaced with cold steel..._

When she didn't answer he roughly shoved the barrel of the gun inside her and twisted it, causing her to snap out of her flashback with a muffled cry against his hand as her body jerked in response to the pain.

"Are we clear?" He asked again menacingly, shoving the gun in deeper, satisfied when she nodded yes. She would have agreed to anything in this moment to make the pain stop. "Good girl." He cooed as he withdrew the gun and licked the barrel before he shoved it in his back pocket then slowly removed his hand from Olivia's mouth. He had barely gotten it off before she let loose and began screaming like a banshee at the top of her lungs.

... ... ...

The scream cut through the air, quickly reaching the small waiting area and making Brian and Elliot, snap to attention

"What the hell?!" Brian cried

"Liv!" Elliot's heart dropped to his feet as he sprang from his chair and dashed toward Olivia's room, Brian right behind him.

... ... …

Meanwhile Arlow and Sam had just arrived at the hospital and after shuffling their way through the press who were still camped outside, they entered the lobby. After leading Arlow to their home and not finding his father there, Sam feared that his dad may have fled and used the geo locator on his father's phone to find him. Neither of them would be prepared for the scene they were about to walk into.

… … ...

"Shut up!" Doc demanded as his fist flew across her face, drawing blood from her nose then began choking her with one hand while pressing the other over her mouth but it was already too late and before he could reach for the gun in his back pocket the door to the room flew open, and an enraged Elliot snatched Doc by the neck with both hands and slammed the portly man to the floor, nearly taking Brian out in the process and breaking Doc's shoulder on impact. Elliot didn't bat an eye at the man's agonizing cry of pain as his bones shattered and proceeded to mercilessly beat him, smashing Doc's face with his fists blow after blow while Olivia curled herself into a fetal position, too traumatized to move or speak.

"Liv?" Brian looked over at Olivia then back at Elliot – Liv needed him but there was no doubt in his mind that Elliot would kill the man he was beating if Brian didn't intervene and with everything that had happened, a man being beaten to death… There was blood flying everywhere and Brian even thought he saw teeth on the floor. He quickly hit the call button and tried to break up the melee.

"Stabler, c'mon man, that's enough!" he yelled as he attempted to pull Elliot away from the stranger who was a hit away from being unconscious but Elliot couldn't be stopped and continued to pummel Doc as Brian continued trying to disengage the men, medical personnel running into the room and trying to help stop the fight.

"I got this, help _her_!" Brian demanded and was thankful when Don, Nick and Fin ran in, all having heard the commotion on their way back from their respective locations. "Don't just stand there, help me!" Brian yelled frantically. Elliot was now choking the man to death and it took the four of them to pry him loose and once they did, all of them stood in horrified, everyone silently blaming themselves for what just happened and Fin quickly going to Olivia to assure her that it was over and she was safe.

"I'm not! If he came back the rest of them will...why didn't I just die in that house?" she sobbed in his arms and just like that, Brian, Nick, Don and Elliot found out that it hadn't just been Harlan, Olivia had been assaulted by multiple assailants, this fucker who lay bleeding on the floor being one of them, and if they thought they were sick with rage and shock now, if they'd had knowledge of what Fin knew, they'd all be in jail for murder!

* * *

**.**

**Next chapter we get back to NYC, check in on Bronwyn and Doc causes more upset. **


	25. Home

**Chapter 25 and I'm so sorry that it took so long. For those still not in the know I had a stroke and well...so anyway here it is and I hope you like it.**

* * *

.

"We get anything on the case?" Murphy asked.

"Nothing. We've tried everything and nothing." Fin said.

"Alright. Why don't we call it a night? Go home, get some sleep, I'm sure we'll find something tomorrow." He said.

"No argument there." Amaro said.

"By the way, how's Olivia? I haven't seen her this past week."

"She's um, she's dealing." Amanda said. "You know, one day at a time."

"I'll keep her in my prayers. Goodnight guys." He said to the squad. "Keep your heads up." And he left.

"What do you say we go out for a drink?" Fin said. "Sleep won't be comin for me tonight."

"That sounds like a great idea." Amaro said. "Gimme ten." He said and walked off. Amanda began organizing her desk as Fin cleaned off his.

"You know it won't get any easier."

"What won't." She asked, not turning around to him and marking off a couple of papers.

"Liv."

"I - I know that, I'm just..."

"Just..."

"...I don't know. I just... I'm... I need time, okay?" She said in a low voice as she turned to him.

"It's okay." He said as he approached her desk and took a seat. "...but in case you were wondering, there's a lot more Liv there than you think; she's just wounded that's all."

* * *

_._

_Ever since the doctor sedated Olivia early this evening, she'd been in a deep and mercifully dreamless sleep but now she'd begun stirring and suddenly opened her eyes, drawing in a deep breath as she quickly sat up, her eyes scanning the room which thankfully still had the lights on. After three months confined to a room with nothing but a candle or two for light, she didn't think she'd ever sleep with them off again. Anxiety gripped her when she noticed that Fin wasn't there and she immediately called out for him and got nervous when she was met with silence._

_She brought her left hand up and ran it through her hair, noticing the new bandage on her forearm and she had no idea why it was there._

_Steadying her breathing, she threw the covers off and slowly swung her legs over the side of the bed, she didn't stop to put her slippers on, deciding that she just needed to get out of the room and took the IV and slowly made it towards the door, limping as she walked._

_She made it to the door and stopped to wipe her brow before opening it, shocked to find Harlan standing on the other side._

_"Now, where you goin?"_

_"You're dead!" She cried, backing up._

_"Is that what you thought?" He wondered as he caressed her face. She continued to back away until she ran into the bed and fell backwards, her hands suddenly in the restraints. _

_"Please don't do this."_

_"You ain't gotta beg. I'm gonna do you so good and then I'm gonna do you again; hell I'll probably fuck you all night." He came to the bed and ripped her gown off, still amazed at her body in spite of the circumstance and quickly kissed his way down, hard and rough. She could feel his mouth against her breasts and it sickened her._

_"No, no dont. Don't!" She began to cry but he was busy planting kisses to and sucking and biting her flesh. Finally after making her come with his mouth, he positioned himself against her, and took her hard against her screams._

_"Music to my ears!"_

_... ... ..._

She tangled herself up in the sheets before screaming so loud she certainly woke the neighbors when she sat up. Startled awake and clutching her chest, she eventually broke into tears and just sat and sobbed there on the sofa.

She'd been home now for two weeks and finally three days ago, she promised everyone that she would be okay alone but she silently wished that she hadn't. Ever since that night in the hospital, she'd been terrified by nightmares of being raped all over again, seeing it in so many ways; every time she closed her eyes and now seeing Harlan, it was all too much to deal with.

After a moment she got up, looking at the clock, 12:26 and going to the living room window. She stared out at the night, it still amazed her that life had gone on and continued when she was in the worst time of hers. A whole other season had come, erasing spring and bringing summer in. Now here it was, early August and life had carried on without her, wiping her tears she released the curtain, once again enveloping herself in solitude that she had grown used to, making her way to the kitchen. Since her nausea had died a week ago, the baby left her ravenous which was hard considering she didn't feel like food but still, she decided to do what was best and forced herself to eat. She still hadn't decided what she would do, being on the medication for her leg had nullified her making a decision but she had been off the antibiotics for two days and she didn't know what to do. But she wouldn't let it go hungry while she was trying to figure it out. Fin was still the only person who knew and she wanted to keep it that way.

"I still don't know what your future holds and I'm sorry." She said with tears filling her eyes. "To be honest, I don't even know what my future holds." She admitted with her hand to her stomach, resting on her small bump.

"Maybe I can't decide because in my heart I already knew. Maybe you deserve a chance, or maybe I have no idea what I'm doing and I'm going to destroy us both. Maybe...maybe I shouldn't do this after all..."

... ... ...

Twenty minutes later, she was cleaning the kitchen when there was a sudden knock on the door and she froze.

"Who is it?" She wondered, near silent as she grabbed a knife. The knocking continued and she asked again as she steeled her nerves, asking louder. "Who is it?" She asked moving closer.

"Liv, it's Elliot." She crept closer to the door and now stood beside it.

"What do you want?"

"I just wanna see you to know that you're okay."

"I'm fine. You can leave."

"Liv please..." She stood there, silent as she ran things through her head. She had made it clear that she didn't want to see him yet, still knowing that he'd remained close; yet she didn't know if she could risk it.

"Olivia...?" He got no answer. "Liv please don't shut me out... I know I made a mistake in not being here for you when you needed me in the past and I'm sorry. You have no idea how much, but I'm here now. I don't want anything other than to know you're okay, please give me that chance... Liv..."

The door made several clicking sounds as it came undone and when she opened it, he could see that she'd been crying, even more, she just looked a mess even in spite of how she tried to obscure it. She stood there silent, looking at the ground, neither of them sure what to say to each other but he knew one thing and that was that she needed him and this time, he'd be here for her no matter what. He had been a world away in the past; not this time.

"I'm sorry."

"I needed you." She said with tears in her voice while she stood looking down. "I needed you, I thought I'd die and I just wanted to have you hold me one last time..." And it was with that that he slowly walked in and threw his arms around her. She tried to be strong but she quickly lost it and cried all the tears that she hadn't.

* * *

.

At the bar, the squad walked in the place and was surprised to see Cassidy sitting at the bar on a stool.

"Look who's here." Amaro said.

"I'm gonna go grab us a booth." Amanda said, quickly walking past. Fin looked at Amaro and signaled that he'd be with he and Amanda shortly as Nick went to the booth where Amanda was and Fin walked over to the bar and slapped Brian on the back.

"Hey." Brian turned and greeted Fin who took a seat on the stool beside him.

"I didn't expect to see you here." He signaled the bartender for a beer.

"Yeah well I didn't wanna go home so..."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"What's to talk about? Liv is... I understand what she's been... I just don't get... You were there that night, I mean did I imagine that she threw herself into my arms and was happy to see me?"

"Come on man, it's not about that."

"Then what is it? Cuz I have tried to give her space but she just pulls further away from me."

"It's not her man, you gotta take that into consideration. It's not like Lewis, she was... Brian there's a lot that you don't know about, trust me, she's just... Give her time." A few seconds passed before he nodded.

"I just wanna be there for her, to let her know that she's not alone; I just wanna..."

"I know man." He said and put his hand on Brian's shoulder. "Look, why don't you come and have a drink with us." Brian turned to see Amaro and Rollins and quickly declined.

"I better be headin home." He says and stands up, pulling out his wallet to pay for the beers. "Goodnight Fin."

"You gonna be okay man?"

"I'm good."

"Take it easy." He said as Brian turned and staggered out of the bar.

* * *

.

"I was a fool to not be there when you needed me. Elliot said. He held her and allowed her to cry and she had been doing it for the past twenty minutes. There on the sofa she sat, held safe against him as if time never left. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, his arms around her, holding her with so much love. He made a mistake three years ago when he left like he did, if he had known what she'd have been here going through, all that she'd endure without him. But right now for her, none of it mattered. What mattered for her was that she was in his arms and it felt right.

"...It's not-"

"It is important. If I had been here Lewis never would have gotten to you, his father never would have..."

"Please don't..." She said moving to get up. "I don't want to talk about..." She pulled back the curtain on the window and looked out, noticing a young couple walking hand in hand.

"You're right. I'm sorry."

"I used to wish for that."

He walked over to the window and stole a glance, his heart breaking for her.

"I had it, but then... Well, life is life right?" She took one last look at the couple before she let go of the curtain and walked away towards the kitchen and grabbed fruit from the fridge. "Do you want any..."

"Nah, I'm okay." He said as he took a seat at the counter where she chopped. "Talk to me."

She kept chopping for a long time and finally thought of words to say. "What if I don't..."

"Don't say that."

"I just... You don't know what it's like. To wonder."

"You're right, I don't."

"I can't help feeling..." She puts the knife down. "Every night, I see him in my dreams. I see them in my dreams. He taunts me and he humiliates me; and they rape me again and again and again, and I can do nothing but take it." She said with a hand to her face.

"Liv..."

"I know what you think of me...that this is my fault." She said looking away.

"What's your fault?" She stands and looks at him briefly before she looks away. "This? You think this is your fault?"

"Fin said it's not, but I can't help feeling..."

"Liv..." He got up and went to the other side, taking her in his arms. "I wish that I could make this go away. I wish that I could make all of it go away." She found herself quickly drawn to tears again as she held onto him.

"I'm scared. What if I can't come back from this? What if-"

"Hey don't."

"I don't know how to not feel what they did to me and live with it, and I just- I'm scared!" She cried as he held her.

* * *

.

The next morning brought another hot day and two very hung over detectives. Fin and Amanda sat at their desks completely hung over, Amanda with her head down and sipping coffee, Fin sat at his desk attempting to type out his DD5 but stopping every five strokes, and blinking to clear his head before sipping coffee and starting again.

"Could you do that somewhere else?" Amanda said, raising her head, her hair a mess covering her eyes. Fin turned and gave her a long, tired look.

"What?"

"Thanks, now I lost my focus." He said.

"It's the DD5!" Fin took a look in both directions then turned and looked back at Amanda.

"I knew that."

"Sure you did..." She said and put her head back down on the desk. Nick came walking in, causing Amanda to think it was a superior and she quickly put her head up and pretended to be working. Nick gave a hearty laugh as he came by looking unfazed and sat down.

"You guys okay? You look a bit dead." He asked with a laugh at how hung over they were.

"Your enjoying this aren't you?" She said and quickly put her head down. Nick broke into laughter.

"Hey somebody had to be the designated driver- I'm just glad it was me."

"I wish it had been me!" Fin said. Just then, Murphy entered and approached the group and Amanda's head went back up.

"Hey, how we doin? Good. So we have a new detective coming in."

"To do what?" Amaro asked.

"To do what? That's funny. To work Amaro. We've been short staffed around here for far too long; two maternity leaves, three transfers, plus Olivia being..."

"We get it." Fin said.

"Good. Then we all understand how much we need somebody and fast." Murphy noted.

"When's he comin?" Amanda asked.

"Tomorrow morning, I should hope that everyone will be welcoming?"

The three detectives sat looking at one another, speaking silently.

"Yeah." Amaro was the one to speak up.

"Good." He said and turned to leave. "By the way, we got a hit on that case, Fin, Amaro, I want you two to get over to Carolyn James apartment, her roommate lied!" He said as he dropped the file on Fin's desk and marched back to the office leaving Amaro and Fin staring at each other before Fin picked up the file and Amaro was behind him staring over his shoulder.

"She told us Carolyn was..."

"...son of a bitch!" Fin exclaimed, suddenly sober. "I knew it!" He said before getting up and he and Amaro promptly heading out.

* * *

.

Over at Olivia's house as the sun shone through the living room window and she lay asleep on Elliot's lap after having fallen asleep there hours ago, Elliot thought she looked so peaceful he didn't bother waking her up and now he sat up, having finally dozed off two hours ago.

Now just after ten o'clock, Olivia was starting to wake up from her nights sleep. She stretched and opened her eyes and noticed that she was lying with her head in a lap and quickly sat up, frightened.

"Liv?" Elliot was suddenly startled from his sleep and turned to see her jump back. "You're safe, it's okay."

"I'm alright." She said catching her breath. She ran her fingers through her hair as she took another deep breath.

"You sure?" He said, reaching for her absently.

"Just...don't. I'm fine!"

"I could..."

"Yeah I um...could I have a glass of water?"

"I'll be right back." He got up and went to the kitchen, speedily returning with a glass. "Here you go."

"Thank you." She quickly turned the water up and drank it fast.

"Your okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine." She said holding the water glass and looking down at it. "I just...I forget where I am sometimes and...I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize."

"I wish everyone would stop saying that." She said in barely a whisper. Elliot looked on, unsure of what to say.

"You hungry? I could make us some breakfast." Olivia looked at him and was starting to smile when she suddenly felt nauseous. "You okay." She put down the water glass and ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

"Liv?" He was on his way to the bathroom when the doorbell rang. He looked over at the door then back at the bathroom and decided to answer it.

"Brian." He stopped and stared at Elliot for a moment. He was angry that Elliot was there and debated if maybe he should go but then...

"Is Olivia home?"

Yeah, she's um..." He began making movements with his hands to express what he was trying to say. Brian looked on waiting.

"Come on in." He said and stepped back. Brian came walking in the apartment.

"What are you doing here?" Brian seethed.

"Hello to you too." Elliot said as he closed the door and walked into the living room where Brian was looking at the sheets and pillowcase on the couch.

"You uh, you slept here?" He asked.

"...it's not what you think alright-"

Olivia walked in from the bathroom talking to Elliot.

"I think I drank a little too- Brian...I didn't..."

"I know, I uh...I wanted to talk to you. If that's okay."

"Brian... I can't..."

"Liv please. I just..." Olivia looked to Elliot, unsure of what to do. "Please."

She rubbed her temples, staring at the floor and wrapped her arms around herself in uncertainty. "I...it's okay." She said quietly.

"You sure?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, she's sure. You heard her!" Brian yelled.

"I don't believe I was talking to you junior-" Elliot retorted, stepping closer.

"Please just stop!" Olivia said. Elliot and Brian both turned to Olivia, Elliot stepping close and hugging her while Brian stood on looking jealously.

"I'm sorry." Elliot apologized. Brian dragged his hand down his face then put his hands on his hips.

"We both are. I didn't mean to..."

"I'm gonna go, but if you need me..." Elliot started. Olivia simply nodded.

"I'll be ok."

"Call me later?"

"Elliot..."

"I'm sorry. I'll- see you- later?"

"We'll see." She said, he grinned and walked out the door and she locked it behind him.

"What was that?" Brian asked, annoyance in his voice. She looked at him for a long moment before moving from the door and making her way to the couch.

"So you're gonna ignore me?" He asked as she folded the sheets. "Liv look alright, I'm sorry. I just... I'm sorry alright?"

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk"

"Then talk." She said, folding a sheet.

"I just...Liv will you stop folding?"

"I'm sorry."

"No it's fine." He takes a seat on the couch. "How've you been?"

"I've been... Well I'm still here so I guess we can celebrate that." She takes a seat on the far end of the couch.

"I guess we can." He glances over at her. "You look beautiful."

"I don't but thank you. Brian, I want you to know that I didn't mean to hurt you by asking you to stay away and if I did...well, I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize"

"These last few weeks..."

"Liv, I know."

"No, you don't. And that's not a judgement it's just... I went through hell in that house and a lot of it involved you."

"I don't understand."

She couldn't help but look down as she spoke to him. "I used you as reason to hold on... And then as a reason to quit. I used all of you as reasons to quit."

"You didn't..."

"Doesn't matter...I'm here now right? I just...you wanted a lot of me and I...I still can't but I don't wanna shut you out and I..."

"Liv I know that I made mistakes and I can't tell you enough how sorry I am but if you let me...I'll try with everything in me to be better for you-"

"Brian you don't get it...I want you in my life but I can't do it as more than friends. I'm barely holding on and I can't be more to you than what you see; I'm sorry."

* * *

.

All while everyone else was going with their lives, someone had a secret and they kept this secret very well.

In a large house that sat unused for years, it had finally come alive with a guest. The guest had been unwell and needed a plethora of doctors and nurses to tend to them but the guest was alive, none the less and on this day they'd gotten a visitor.

"I'm sorry that I'm late." She called as she arrived and placed a kiss upon the forehead of the guest who was sleeping. "Any change?" She asked as she feathered about her guest.

"None so far. But the vitals are holding steady." The young nurse assured her. "It's a beautiful day, maybe today will be..."

"The day? As much as I want to hope...I've done so much to keep him safe, I can't lose him now! Why don't you go and get some rest, I'll be here for a couple more hours, I'll watch over him."

"I could use a break."

"You go, he'll be fine."

"I'll be out on the property. If you need me-"

"I know. And please alert the other nurses not to enter."

"Yes ma'am." She said as she closed the door. When the young woman was sure that she had left, she turned hastily to the man lying unconscious in the hospital bed and stroked his hair lovingly.

"Harlan. Oh my love, how I miss you!" She cried, leaning in to kiss him on the lips.

Turns out, He hadn't died at all. In the hospital back in Pennsylvania, Harlan was desperate. He knew that once he was handed off to the feds, he wouldn't stand a chance and Bronwyn knew it too so she used her money to do him some favors. She paid a doctor to lie and say he was suffering from sepsis of the blood and to make it work, she didn't even tell Harlan so when they made the call to her, she acted genuinely surprised and shocked. She went to the hospital and put on a grand facade, acting the part of someone who was losing their husband, even letting him think so when all the while she had his escape all mapped out.

The doctor was instructed to give him something that would lower his body temperature and heartbeat, making him seem dead but it was given with a warning that in his condition, a heart attack may be unstoppable - he was right which was the reason he was lying here now in this predicament. Call it whatever, he would get through this and in the meantime Bronwyn had her Daddy and this time no one would take him away!

* * *

**.**

**I promised a game changer and boy oh boy! Also, I know that I promised a tragedy but it wouldn't fit in this chapter so next chapter we have a lot to react to. **


	26. Gone

**So here we are with chapter 26, what can I say, we don't see a breakthrough yet, but that thing I was telling you all about, the shocker? Yeah it happens here so get your tissues. Not much else to say except Dick Wolfe owns the SVU characters, and I own the rest. Enjoy- well as much as you can cuz I- yeah!**

* * *

_._

_She gave a long, pained, and tired cry at the end of her push before taking a needed break. Thirty two hours and she was at the end of her rope and wanted nothing more than to give up and go home._

_"Olivia, you're almost there!"_

_"Please, I can't do it anymore." She pled near a whisper in tears, her voice worn out at this point. Between labor and now the pain of pushing strenuously for over two hours; she needed some relief. Just then a contraction tore through her and instead of screaming she pitifully broke into sobs. Harlan appeared behind the old doctor and slit her throat._

_"Nooo!" She cried out and tried to get up but the pain of the contraction kept her in place and left her sobbing even harder._

_"Just like a damn girl to cry!" Harlan said As he wiped the blood from the scalpel and stepped toward her._

_"Stay...away from me..." Another pained cry escaped her before she began breathing heavily. "OH GOD!"_

_"He can't help ya sweetheart, sounds like you need me." He said moving her hair out of the way. "My God you turn me on!" She nearly vomited from his touch._

_"Somebody help meeee!" She screamed as loud as she dared but Harlan just laughed, he knew no one was coming._

_"Help meeee!" He mocked. "You stupid bitch, ain't a damn body comin; just me and our baby! Oops, looks like he's makin his entrance, come on boy." She tried hard not to push but it was no use, the baby was coming!_

_"Oh God!" She cried as she felt it tearing it's way out of her._

_"Good job boy, that's it, show this whore who's in charge!" He laughed and cheered as she cried and screamed in agony as their son came out. Olivia was beyond it at this point and just wanted it over, letting out a blood curdling scream as it finally ended and his cries filled the air. Olivia looked up, in terrible pain and watching Harlan cut the cord and walk away._

_"Please, give him to me!" She cried, but he paid her no mind and Bronwyn appeared to take him. _

_"Raise him good!"_

_"Oh Harlan, it's an honor." She said as Harlan put him in her arms._

_"Bronwyn please, give me my baby!"_

_"He's my baby, hmm, say goodbye William." She said as she left the room, his cries heard faintly as he got further away and Olivia broke down in tears still looking in the direction they went._

_"Bronwyn!" She screamed and continued crying._

_"Mission accomplished. But now I think it's time for one last fuck before I kill you, what say ya boys?" He said as he unbuckled his pants and Doc and several others came out of nowhere._

_"Sounds good to me!" Doc agreed, looking at her lustfully._

_... ... ..._

She woke up screaming again, this time clutching her stomach and she ran to the bathroom dropping to her knees and dry heaving into the toilet. Ten minutes passed before it stopped and she sat against her bathroom wall, her knees against her chest with her head down and just cried.

It had been a month since she got home and this was not getting easier and it made her wonder just what exactly was the point. Maybe she'd been right when she'd slit her wrist, in the end, no one would suffer her loss. She be at peace with her mother and her baby and it was more than she could say for here. She curled up on the bathroom floor and lay there in tears. It was the only thing that gave her comfort anymore. She lay there and cried until she couldn't, holding her belly as she wept.

... ... ...

The morning came and she was awakened by the sound of someone knocking on the door. It took her a minute to get herself together. When she had fallen asleep on the bathroom floor a couple hours ago she had fallen into a deep sleep and when she woke up she had been spared from another dream, one that actually happened where she'd begged Harlan not to take her downstairs; she'd blown him and all it got her in the end was a slap to the face and taken downstairs anyway where she was forced to endure more of their sick treatment...

_I'll be good... _She reasoned to no avail.

She hadn't been able to wake from it on her own and was in tears for a moment before she realized that someone was at the door and got up, practically swallowed by her pajamas as she headed for the door to see who it was.

"Fin?" She said nervously, quietly and holding in her sobs as she stood at the door.

"It's me baby girl." He answered. She quickly threw the locks open and threw herself into his arms, sobbing pitifully.

"Hey. It's okay, I'm here!" He soothed as he held her trembling body. "It's okay; it's alright Liv." She continued to cry there in his arms, not even hearing his calming words she was so afraid.

* * *

.

In Pennsylvania at the correctional facility, Doc was having a hard time. Harder than the fact that he'd been denied bail or that his wife and son hadn't come to visit him at all since he'd been here, what made this so terrible for him was those damn cops; they'd made sure to put it out loud and clear that he'd kidnapped and repeatedly raped a woman, a pregnant woman, and invited his friends to do the honor as well. This got him a lot of attention, not good, and it was not a walk in the park for him. Every night he was used as someone's bitch and they were not gentle when it came to giving Doc just what he deserved. He was pretty sure that that this rate he'd die from anal trauma before he got out.

Today he sat in his cell thinking about what the ADA offered him and he started to cry. He thought he had it all figured out and now Lucius was dead, Olivia was safe and here he was, ruined, with no deal because the Lancaster police, after going through all the things they'd recovered from Lucius' house, they'd found what they were looking for- the list with the names of the other men from the gangbangs and they were slowly being arrested as the cops found them, one by one. And as they were caught, they were looking for someone to blame - and it would eventually fall to him, he didn't know how and he didn't want to find out but he knew it would. Between that and being assaulted; those twisted men were screwing him like he was some sort of woman and that was a no go, he had to get out of here, but how?

"This is all that stupid whore's fault. We should have killed her and put her-" an eerie smiled crept upon his lips. He did have something they could use and it would definitely take him out if this mess; out of this place if he played his cards right. Maybe this would be his golden ticket. He'd definitely lose Grace and Sam but this was his freedom here and when he got out he already knew what he was gonna do and it involved a certain brunette, sex with her until he was raw, then a perfect grave where she would rot.

"Hell, I might just bury her alive!" He smiled at the thought, it was definitely comforting imagining her with her life, her air slowly slipping away and nobody will hear her screams and cries... He needed to call the ADA!

* * *

.

"You wanna talk about it?" Fin asked.

"No..." She sat there in his arms leaning so tightly against him, it was hard to tell where he ended and she began and that was fine with her; she needed to be able to get lost in someone.

"Liv I'm worried about you."

"Don't be."

"If only...you're my oldest friend in the world and seein you like this...just tell me what I can do."

"You're doing it..." There were tears streaming down her face. "...where do you think we go when we?"

"That's not somethin you thinkin about..." She didn't answer him, just sat sat there, so still. "Liv? That's not something you're thinkin about?"

"I um... I try. And then um...I close my eyes, or sometimes when their wide open I see him...and I see them and uh...I feel their hands, mouths, their pe- I just, I feel like I'm filthy and I want to die!" Tears were coming fast and hard.

"Liv..."

"You don't know what they did to me; how they... I would pray that you guys would come for me because I thought I was strong enough to pick up my life and move on..."

"You are strong enough, and you can get through this."

"Do you see this?" She pushed up her sleeve and forced him to look at her arm. "I did this because near the end I gave up and I- I wanted to die so with the last bit of strength I had that night I tore off my necklace and I sliced my wrist open."

"You what?"

"...they; hurt me so bad, that night I just... I gave up. I gave up hope of being found, of being rescued. I had just spent eight hours being... Again. These men did every sick thing they could do to me for eight hours and when they were done, so was I... dying was so peaceful until Harlan found me; when I woke up; he had gotten Doc to stitch me and as a reward; he let him rape me all over again- it never stopped. For three months it never stopped. Do you want some tea? I'm gonna have some." She got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen.

"Liv..." He got up and walked towards her.

"I've got peppermint, chamomile, and peach, unless you want coffee... I don't think I have any..." She said going through the cabinets. "But you could get some; there's a market two blocks down that has it." She said as she began cleaning the counters.

"...you okay?"

"I'm fine...I'm just... I'm fine." She said and continued cleaning.

* * *

.

At Brian's apartment, he had just come back from a run and was about to take a shower when there was a knock at the door. He went and answered it, to find Amanda on the other side.

"What are you doing here?" He asked as he walked away from the door. Amanda made her own way in.

"Hello to you too." she said.

"So..."

"So?"

"You didn't tell me what you're doing here." He took beer bottle from the fridge and uncapped it.

"I came by to check on you."

"You came by to _check_ on me? That's funny considering you've been walking around here like I shot your dog!" Sliding it to her, he uncapped another and took a swig.

"Thanks. I suppose I'm owed that." She took a rough swig. "I just wanted to see you, make sure you're doing okay...I know it's been rough."

"Yeah well, you've seen me and I'm fine so... You can go." He took another swig of his beer.

"Brian."

"I mean it, you've seen what you came for so beat it." A third hard swig and her sat the beer down on the counter and left the kitchen.

"What if I don't want to?"

"Look, I'm not in the mood for your games Amanda. Now if you'll excuse me, I got a shower to get to... Let yourself out." He said and went into the bathroom, taking off his shirt and shutting the door.

"Cassidy..." He came out oh the bathroom in his running shorts, his sneakers having been discarded with his shirt.

"You're still here." He said more to himself than her. "What?!" He uttered, short tempered.

"...nothing." And with that she headed for the door.

"Nothing?" He scratched his head in frustration, confused by her motives. "I will never understand women!" He mumbled under his breath.

"Lemme get this straight, you come all the way over here..."

"It's not ALL the way..."

"All the way over here, supposedly to check on me..." He has her backed against the door.

"I did come to check on you." She said, looking at his package

"I'm up here!" He said, her eyes cautiously lifting up to his face- and then down to his mouth, while she swallowed hard.

"I just...I thought that if we..."

"If we...?"

"...could...you gonna make me say it?"

"You want it?"

"Don't act like I'm the only one."

"You came to me."

"Brian. Look I need a release okay? And I know you do too...you're stressed...and I'm stressed"

"As long as you understand that we're just sex and Amaro stays out of my face..."

"That won't happen again"

"Good!" He picked her up, her legs around him kissing her deep as he discarded her clothes on the way to the bedroom.

* * *

.

An hour later Fin walked into the precinct to see Amaro at the coffee machine.

"Hey, how's Liv?"

"She's uh... I called Stabler to sit with her before I left. I'm worried about her."

"Same as I felt last night when I saw her. She doesn't sleep you know?"

"Among other things..."

"Detectives" Murphy said upon entering the squad room. "Where's Rollins?"

"Not in till two." Fin said as he took a seat at his desk.

"I'm gonna head out to 1PP, Amaro you can let the new guy shadow you for the day." Murphy said

"I..."

"Thanks."

"Hey, why am I being given a new partner? I mean, Liv is comin back right?"

"I need to get to 1PP!" He said and walked off, Fin gave a sad look.

"I don't like where this is going!"

* * *

.

"I know you have somewhere to be." Olivia said. She had been cleaning the apartment since Fin left and hadn't stopped.

"If I had somewhere to be, I wouldn't be here. Stop worrying..." Elliot said. "Why don't you try to get some sleep?"

"Because I can't."

"You could try. I'll be right here."

"I'm not tired."

"Liv, you're exhausted. When's the last time you slept?"

She looked at him for a moment then turned her head away. "I know Fin called you because he's worried, he thinks I'm gonna hurt myself." She said in a small voice.

"Are you?"

"What the hell kind of question is that?"

"We're worried about you Liv"

"Get out"

"What?"

"I said get out"

"Liv..."

"GET OUT!" She screamed, pushing him to the door.

"Liv, lemme call somebody..."

"Leave me alone" And she slammed the door in his face and broke down there in the entryway.

* * *

.

Over at Brian's...

"Oh God, oh God..." She screamed and collapsed on top of him. She quickly rolled off and cuddled against him, completely spent.

"I can't feel my toes!" Brian exclaimed. She laughed and kissed him.

"That was incredible! Thank you!" She kissed him again and got up reaching for her clothes.

"Leaving again?"

"I have a job to go to." She said as she put her panties on.

"We both do"

"I meant now." She laughed. She put her pants back on and sat down to put on her shoes.

"Don't you wanna..."

"Brian, this is release, that's it. You fuck me good, I fuck you good. I come, you come, I leave. No strings. I gotta go, thanks for a great time."

"Yeah, you too!"

* * *

.

At the corner of 6th and 71st, inside a building there was rape happening. The old lady had been told that it she fought or screamed, she would be done for so she suffered what her assailant did to her in silence, save a few weeps. When he was done, he told the woman to give him her purse and stay turned around for 100 seconds, scared out of her mind, she did just that and at the man's insistence, began counting. It wasn't the first time he had done this so it would be easy. Only, he didn't count on a cop being there, and as he turned to leave the building the cop ordered him to stop and put his hands up. He was too far away from his victim to use her as a hostage, so feeling he had nothing to lose he decided to go for it and he pulled his gun as the cop was calling for backup.

It didn't end well. The rapist ended up dead on the steps of the building from a bullet to the head and at the same time the cop lay dying from a bullet to the chest, his radio calling him frantically.

_"Officer Tutuola... Officer Tutuola... We have an officer down..."_

* * *

**.**

**I'm sorry.**


	27. Coming Undone

**Hi people. Sorry for the wait, it's been a tough time writing this one but I got it all straight. Thanks everyone who's still with me, since this stroke, writing has been hard but thanks everybody for your encouragement, you've made it a lot easier. **

**That being said, I hope you enjoy this chapter. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters and Doc and Harlan... Sadly they're mine.**

* * *

.

"Liv, I need to know that you're okay. Please, call me back."

Elliot knew it was a mistake to leave her and he'd done it against his better judgement but looking to respect what she wanted, he left anyway. (although he did hang outside her door for about a half hour, that's when it hit him that she wasn't joking when she threw him out) Now, as he sat on the road outside Harlan's house where he'd come after leaving her this morning and ending yet another call to her, he had to admit that he was worried and he didn't know why. Knowing Olivia she was probably listening to those calls he made and ignoring them.

"That would be her..." He thought, smiling for a moment as memories of who Olivia used to be flooded his mind then just as quickly disappeared. "But she's not that woman anymore!" It hurt him to think it, shamed him even but he'd seen the look in her eyes, the blank look with no life behind it and suddenly the urge to kill those men overwhelmed him and he screamed repeatedly, hitting the steering wheel again and again, eventually breaking down into tears that he couldn't stop and just sat there sobbing for his friend.

* * *

In New York at Olivia's apartment, she lay in her living room, curled up in a fetal position on the sofa. She'd had a long cry after Elliot left. Cried until her tears ran out and then she just lay there; unmoving, unspeaking. She just lay there, perfectly still though she wasn't trying, with the sunlight shining through the windows from the curtains which were always drawn open even in the rain and wind. She lay there and it was as if she were in a daze, a blank mind for the longest time until she started to think.

_"Do you see this?" She pushed up her sleeve and forced Fin to look at her arm. "I did this because near the end I gave up and I- I wanted to die so with the last bit of strength I had that night I tore off my necklace and I sliced my wrist open."_

She wished that she had succeeded. In the 5 weeks since she had escaped from Harlan's house, she had found it a bigger hell just being able to adjust to the world around her and try as she might, she couldn't. Not when every face around her had a secret, every person she saw from her window and the couple times she'd been forced to go out for medical appointments all she could see were men with sick, sad thoughts and she often wondered who they were hurting. Maybe it was a little girl or teenager; or maybe it was a woman like herself- _Like herself... I'm not even like myself anymore. _She thought, and she wondered if where Harlan was, he could see and was proud. _He must be dancing around the fires of hell with Billy at the mess they made; a mess that I can't seem to put back in focus and why should I? The world would go on without me!_

"It would, ya know." A voice came from behind her. She shut her eyes to the noise that was Billy. "...go on without you; not that it wouldn't have anyway but now you get the picture."

She didn't bother telling him to leave because in her heart she knew he was right.

"So we agree? Gotta say Olivia..." He took a seat beside her on the couch. "it's about time! See I knew when you made that pitiful attempt at Harlan's that he'd come and stop you. There's no way that he would let you just go with his baby like that...by the way, do you miss those days?" He said close to her ear, trying to rile a response from her but there was none other than the tears that fell from her eyes and trickled onto the sofa.

"You do don't you? You miss being Harlan's; gettin fucked whenever he wanted it; whenever the guys wanted it... Let's be honest Olivia, you don't even know who's baby you're carrying."

That got a response and she screamed_ "shut up!"_ while she turned, trying to escape him.

"What's the matter? Can't stand hearing the truth? That you're just one big slut and you took it like a champ for weeks? I mean how many did you take that week? Let's see, there was Bob, Earl, Phil- can't forget Phil, and James- all four of em bangin you out all week after Daddy got his first."

"Shut up!" She began crying as she sat up.

"But you didn't exactly tell anyone about that did you? Boy I bet you were in heaven the first time you took em all as a group weeks later!"

"I don't want you here!" She cried with her eyes closed and her hands to her ears as she slid down.

"Don't worry..." He said looking at her in mock pity and smirking. "I'll be back...I always come back!" Then he disappeared. Leaving her again in tears on the floor. She needed Fin!

* * *

As Elliot walked the rooms of that house, exploring each of them, he felt an anger rise in him with every step he took. Every foot of that place was a reminder, every inch a personal hell for Olivia. He thought exploring this house would give him an understanding for what she'd gone through in it's walls but now all he wanted to do was hit something. He walked the basement, exploring the 3 rooms down there. He saw the remnants of what had been left there by the police; D-rings that hung from the ceiling and floor, large enough to put chains through, as well as a set on the wall. When he went further in he could see the mattress set and the large stains on it, some of them blood with a large square cut out from where the police had come through. That was enough to tell him that he needed to leave the basement and he quickly got out of there feeling sick and headed upstairs.

* * *

Just as a neighbor, Andrew was getting off the elevator, he was surprised to see Nick standing outside Olivia's door looking uncomfortable.

"You gonna ring the doorbell?" The neighbor started.

"I have and she's not answering." He turned his attention back to the door. "Liv it's Nick!'

"How long have you been out here?"

"Almost ten minutes...I know, I know...you think I'm crazy."

"I don't. Listen if there's any trouble I'm just down the hall.

"Thanks Andrew."

... ... ...

Inside the apartment, Olivia was in the bathroom in the shower, scrubbing at her skin as she cried, thoughts running rampant through her head; Faith, that night, the first time he raped her; the last time he raped her...the men that she couldn't stand to remember so she blocked them out and denied it ever happened all these months. She cried harder as she scrubbed until she dropped the brush and she sank to the floor of the shower and sat there, huddled in the corner with her arms around her knees reciting over and over through her tears and in a whisper:

_I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine..._

_... ... ..._

"Liv..." Nick reiterated, suddenly the door across the way opened up and a woman stepped out.

"Why don't you take that racket somewhere else before I call the cops?" She screamed. Nick lost his temper and quickly flashed his badge in her face.

"I am the cops, so why don't you go and mind your own business?" She huffed and went back into her own apartment.

"Liv?"

... ... ...

She was in that same position, curled in the corner still mumbling as she cried with her hands over her ears as if trying to block out a noise. The water was beginning to go cold but she sat their as if she were oblivious to everything around her.

_I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine..._

"Wanna play a game?" Lewis said from above the shower doors as he looked down on her. She didn't look up and instead sat there.

_I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine..._

"Oliii-viaaa!" He said before opening the shower door and stepping in, kneeling down in front of her fully dressed in jeans, a tee shirt and work boots.

_I'm fine. I'm fine..._

"Oh I get it...this is the part where you pretend you don't see me. That could be fun!" He said suddenly appearing behind her.

_I'm fine. I'm fine._

"Now this...this is what I like!" He exclaimed, his hands caressing her body. She stopped and let out a scream from deep inside her but was powerless to move.

... ... ...

"Olivia... Olivia I'm coming in!" When he heard nothing, he unlocked the door and went inside.

"Olivia? Liv?" After checking the rest of the apartment, he wandered into the bathroom and saw her just sitting there in the corner of the shower.

"Liv?" But she couldn't hear him and when he realized, he turned off the water which was cold by now and when when he looked at her, sitting there in tears his heart broke. "Oh Liv!"

He grabbed a bath towel and draped it over her before picking her up and carrying her to the bedroom.

Minutes later she still sat unresponsive and crying and Nick decided that he needed to do something. It was like she was stuck in a mental loop and he couldn't get her to come out of it.

"Liv...I'm gonna get you to a doctor but I need to put some clothes on you...I'm sorry." He grabbed an old tee shirt and leggings from the drawer. "I'll be quick." And with that he kneeled in front of her and hesitated before he removed her towel. He took a deep breath and did it quickly and just as quickly, what he noticed left him speechless but just as quick as he noticed, he dressed her just as fast. Not taking a moment to linger.

* * *

At the hospital, Murphy stood with the other officers waiting to hear something about Fin. He had been brought into the hospital over an hour ago and rushed into surgery, so far they'd heard nothing and more fear was setting in the more time that passed.

"I got here as fast as I could." Amanda said as she ran inside. She was clearly coming undone and this shooting was showing itself to be the last straw. "How is he?"

"Waiting to find out." Murphy said. Suddenly the doctor appeared and all eyes turned towards her.

"Doctor?"

She was silent for a long moment in which all of them caught the message; or they thought they did.

"He's alive. Extremely weak and unstable but he's alive. They're moving him to intensive care where he'll be under watch."

Amanda nearly collapsed against Murphy she was so relieved. Now came the worry.

"Can I see him? Please!"

"I'm sorry, but until he's more stable, I can't allow any visitors. I need to talk with Olivia Benson, is she here?" The doctor asked.

"No, she's... It would be better if you talked to me." Amanda said through her tears.

"You're Rollins?"

"Yes."

"Come with me." Amanda looked back at Murphy and the other cops. Murphy nodded, and Amanda followed the doctor.

* * *

At St. Mary's hospital, Amaro was waiting to hear from the doctor about Liv. He'd gotten her there as fast as he could and all the while he prayed that she would snap out of it to no avail. The whole ride to the hospital it was like she wasn't even there, just sitting, staring blankly while tears streamed her face. God knows he hated to pity Olivia, but he'd never felt so heartbroken and so lost for anyone and he wished to god that Harlan was alive and that he'd have had more time with Doc; that he'd have had time with any of them. He remembered in his anger that day that he'd stopped Elliot from stomping the living hell out of Doc only to realize who the man was and then wish he hadn't. Once again he found himself asking _"How could they?"_

He looked at his watch then turned right around and nervously looked at the clock on the wall. 2:45PM. She'd been taken back an hour ago so why hadn't he heard anything? He should go back there, what if they were hurting her, causing her pain? What if they they weren't careful with the baby? The baby... Holy hell how did he miss that?

"All this time... Liv what did they do to you?" He wondered out loud. Just then, the doctor approached.

"Mr. Amaro?"

"Tell me she's alright!"

"We don't know know yet"

"You don't... What do you mean you don't know yet?" Nick said, he could feel himself becoming antsy.

"I mean we can't talk to her; Mr. Amaro, she's suffered a nervous breakdown. I'm sorry but until she shows signs of improving we won't know what we're dealing with.

"Nervous breakdown?" He wiped the tears that had come from his eyes. "How...?"

"Mr. Amaro..."

"Nick...please"

"Nick. I know that you said upon bringing her in that you thought she was pregnant; is there anything that maybe you've not told me?" Nick dropped his head as more tears came and he wiped them before looking up at her.

"She um... She..." His voice dropped and broke as he cried. "She was raped, and this baby...it- I think it's a result of that."

* * *

After wandering through the house, room for room, seeing where Olivia was held for all those months, Elliot came to the last room at the end of the hall on the second floor; the room where she'd been held. He didn't know why he felt the need to be here, especially after seeing Olivia, especially after telling himself that he didn't need to- he'd seen the horror on her face, felt it every time he talked to her so why did he need to be here? The best he could do is say he wanted to understand what she went through but he could never understand, looking at rooms and beds and stains from bodily fluids would never tell him the absolute horror she suffered at Harlan Lewis' hands. It wouldn't make him understand the sheer terror she lived in for three months, the utter fear. She was at this man's mercy; no help, no hope. Simply at his mercy for three entire months. She had to do what he wanted, what his friends wanted and knowing Olivia he knew that it didn't go over well; he could see the bloodstains on the floor, even in the bathroom where she'd tried to clean it up. He'd beaten the hell out of her multiple times, probably much worse than the way she looked when he first saw her... He still cringes from that moment, seeing what he'd done to her, his beautiful, fierce Olivia, the one who never backed down was now afraid of her own shadow.

He looked at the window, thick glass blocks that just let in light if there was any and because he saw no lamp, no light switch, he assumed that it was the only light this room got. He looked at the bed littered with fluids just like the one downstairs but this one even more so and again he was made sick. He had to get out of here. Sure, this room could tell him so much more, help him piece so much more together but one thing he was certain of- the Olivia Benson that he left three years ago, she died in this house!

* * *

In the prison infirmary, Doc sat thinking of what he'd do with the freedom he was sure to gain from the deal he made with the DA. Surely they'd trade a rape in exchange for murder victims and if he could swing immunity from the murders he'd be home free.

"Lavon, has the ADA arrived?" He said to the nurse who was on duty. The nurse looked up from his nails and rolled his eyes.

"Let's see; if the ADA were here, you'd be talking to her now wouldn't you? But imma say since you ain't talking to nobody but me- she ain't here!" And he rolled his eyes again before he turned back to his nails and started filing them, watching TV while he did.

"You know, I could report you!" He said, wiggling his handcuffs trying to scratch himself but finding it hard with both hands bound.

"Okay first, that's annoying. Second, I get off in less than an hour, so unless yo lil rapin ass wanna-" the phone suddenly rang and Lavon muted the television. "Infirmary...uh huh...uh huh...okay. Yes ma'am!" After hanging up he turned and went back to Doc. "You got a visitor."

"The ADA?" Lavon quietly rolled his eyes again before checking Doc's handcuffs to make sure they were secure, just as the guard knocked, bringing the ADA down.

"We'll be right outside, Raymund." The guard spoke before leaving.

"Have a seat." Doc offered. He didn't like being nice to this bitch any more than he had to. Especially since Eunice Raymond wasn't much to look at- skinny, blonde with crooked teeth and eyebrows that were too much. Would it kill this chick to pluck?

"I don't plan on being here long, I'll stand." She said quite icily.

"I want out of here."

"I want a million dollars"

_Bitch_

"I mean it. I want out"

"Mr. Taylor-"

"I know where there are human bodies buried; seven of them..."

He had her interest.

... ... ...

Twenty minutes later, interest had been lost when a call came to the prison directly from the DA, telling her to get back to the office. She tried explaining that Taylor was in the midst of revealing the locations of the remains of seven missing girls, that he had already provided their names and she was thisclose to getting locations.

"Is this in connection with Harlan Lewis, aka Lucius Holmes?" The DA asked.

"Yes, how did you...?"

"Tell Robert Taylor no deal and get down here...there's something you definitely should see." And he hung up.

* * *

It had begun raining in Pennsylvania, which made the scene at Harlan's place even more surreal. Way back on the property, Elliot was taking a walk to calm his stomach before he left and stumbled into an old barn when it started to rain. There in the barn he began exploring and he noticed the ground, how it was off level in some areas. His training as a cop told him there might be something there so when he found a shovel and started digging, he expected to find anything except what he did and immediately took out his phone and called the authorities. And now as he stood there looking on as the FBI cleared not one, but five bodies and were still digging, the DA felt sick and turned away as he felt his stomach turning.

"You alright?" Elliot asked.

"No. This just keeps getting bigger and bigger!" DA Michaels said as he looked out upon the mass grave.

* * *

She was so perfectly still that he wondered if she were really there; maybe she had been replaced with a doll or maybe she was playing a joke on him. One where she'd get up and start laughing any minute and she'd be alright; all of the last 4 months would be alright; they would never have happened. She would just have taken a long overdue vacation- several of them to some exotic lands that they've talked about visiting one day. Egypt or Greece or Rome; maybe even the ruins down in South America... Just not this.

"Olivia?" He whispered hoping, but he knew she couldn't hear him and it only made his heart break more if that were possible. She lay there in front of him on the bed in the hospital gown, curled on her side and her eyes were just staring. She didn't blink, didn't say a word, just lay there and stared, into what, Nick didn't know but she didn't do anything but stare.

"Liv, I know you're tired. You've been through unimaginable things and I can't fathom how you got through them but you can't quit... I know right now that this is squeezing the life out of you and I'm sorry because I should have been there. I should have gone with you that night and dealt with you being mad at me but I can't take back that night... Liv I need you to fight! You held on for three months and now. I know I don't have the right to tell you that you can't give up...by all right you should want to but- Liv we love you and we need you... I love you and need you and now that I know about this baby- Liv you don't have to be ashamed. We're here for you, all of us... Including that dick Cassidy. Just let us be, don't take this alone. We got a lot more livin to do, you and me and us...so don't give up...please don't give up!"

* * *

"I have to go" The ADA said upon returning to the infirmary.

"But we're not finished."

"Um, actually we are"

"But I didn't finish..."

"No need. We'll be in touch"

"So I get my deal?"

"Not in this lifetime. But let me know how this all ends for you! Good day Mr. Taylor."

"But..." He said desperately.

"Good day!" She reiterated without further eye contact and buzzed the bell to let herself out as the nurse came in with two guards.

"What's this?" Doc asked, already feeling like his luck was dead.

"'This' is you going back to population." Lavon said. "Got the orders right here." He continued as he undid Doc's cuffs.

"I can't go back, I'm an injured man!"

"We stitched yo anus; shoulda let you bleed to death..."

"From a torn anus?" One of the guards said disbelievingly.

"Tony shut up!" He turned back to Doc. "Now we kept you here for two days and now you gotta go."

"But what about my other injuries?"

"That broken shoulder and the face injuries is not ours. You was already treated when you got here a month ago."

"But they hurt" he was stalling for time.

"So do my feelins when Victor keep playin Nicki like dat..." The guards gave a laugh.

"What?"

"I'll give you a aspirin! Hmmm, whoever kicked yo ass a month ago need visitin privileges or somethin cuz ooh!"

* * *

As Elliot drove back to New York, with all that had happened, his mind was fixated on one thing: Olivia. He had to talk to her as soon as he got back to New York. He needed to make her understand that...

His phone suddenly rang and disrupted his thoughts. Annoyed, he looked at the display as he was at a light and saw that it was Nick.

"Yeah Amaro."

"Where are you right now?" Nick asked.

"I'm on my way back to the city, I'm about an hour out. What's goin on?"

"Liv...she suffered a nervous breakdown."

"She what?!" Elliot asked, not believing his own ears. He'd just seen her a few hours ago and she was on edge but fine. This had to be wrong.

"I'm at the hospital now; she doesn't look good." Elliot sat for a few seconds in total silence. "...Elliot?"

"I'm here" he said, trying to keep his tears at bay while Nick was doing the same. "...what hospital?"

"St. Mary's, but Elliot...there's something you should know... She's pregnant!"

* * *

At Cassidy's he was in the middle of tossing back another beer, feeling sorry for himself when his phone rang. At first he just ignored it; it was his day off so why bother picking up? But by the fourth ring he thought it might be Rollins wanting to take his mind off things again and without looking at the display, he picked up.

"Say the word, my place or yours?" He said into the phone.

"I don't believe you!" Amaro said.

"That makes two of us. What do you want Amaro?" Nick had to collect himself before he spoke again.

"I was calling to tell you that-"

"Hold on Ricardo, I got a call"

"Cassi-" but Brian had already put him on hold. "Son of a bitch!" He mumbled under his breath. After almost a minute, Brian still hasn't come back and Nick, tired of holding on hung up to call Amanda just when Brian came back.

"What do you want, I gotta go- hello... To hell with it!" He said and went to pack a bag. That had been the brass on the other line; his undercover operation was ready to go and he'd be getting out of here for a while. Maybe some space between he and Liv would do them some good!

* * *

"Rollins-"

"Nick, where the hell have you been?" Amanda fumed from outside Fins room. She wasn't allowed in and kept watch from outside, looking in at him through the glass walls. "I've been trying to reach you for hours!"

"I've been here, at the hospital"

"The hosp... What hospital?"

"St. Mary's"

"A case?"

"No, it's Liv...Amanda, she had a nervous breakdown."

"Oh my god!" Amanda swore under her breath as more tears filled her eyes and she screamed in frustration as she cried them. "Somebody tell me this is a joke...this day can't..." She blurted out before she broke down and sobbed.

"Amanda what's going on?" He asked, obviously worried now about more than just Olivia but Amanda didn't answer and instead just cried. "Amanda?"

"Fin's been shot...it's looking bad!"

"How bad?" When she didn't answer he said it with more urgency "Amanda how bad!"

"The bullet hit his heart- I'm trying to reach Ken...they don't think he'll make it, Nick." After a few seconds where he wiped his tears, he spoke.

"Where?"

"St. Joes."

"I'm on my way." And he hung up. Meanwhile Amanda turned toward Fin and put her hands on the glass that separated them, praying that he could hear her.

"Hold on...please hold on. Liv needs you...I need you." She cried. Just that fast his body began to seize and the machines sounded as the alarms went off and the medical team rushed in.

"Fin... No no no!"

"We got a code blue!" Was the last thing Amanda heard as a bunch of staff ran into the little room and she stood there on the outside in tears.

* * *

**.**

**I was um... No? Okay.**


	28. Finding Herself

**I apologize for the wait but this damn story would not let me write it so there was a lot of waiting involved. Anyway, I got it, it's here so let's get to it. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters. Enjoy.**

* * *

.

As Elliot made his way to the hospital the words of his conversation with Nick kept repeating in his head like a loop.

_"...there's something you should know...she's pregnant"_

How could that be right? He had been with her; he had at least seen her every single day even if for a minute since she'd been back home, how was this possible? And the baby; it had to be Harlan's and while he was glad that Liv was keeping it, (was she?) he didn't understand why. The Olivia he knew would never want to bring a child into the world that way, her own birth was just too traumatizing and she swore she never would. He also knew that if she were keeping the baby, adoption was out of the question. There's no way Olivia would carry a baby and give it up so what the hell was happening here? She's in no shape to be a mother right now; does she even know that there is a baby?

"Jesus Liv, what did that bastard do to you?"

* * *

Out in the Hamptons at the Freed estate, Bronwyn busied herself with Harlan's care while she had come to talk to him. She had some news that she thought would be good for him to hear and she couldn't wait to share it, so excited to get to him and tell him, hoping that it would wake him up. But before she could deliver her news, the doctor on call had some news of his own.

"I don't know how considering how long it was severed but it looks like his penile reattachment was a success." He said.

"When you say success?"

"I mean success. The tissues have reattached, the vessels are somehow healthy. Now that most of the swelling has subsided we can see just how well it's doing."

"My Harlan is whole again?"

"For the most part, we'll still waiting for him to wake up so we can test further but this, this is a medical miracle!"

"Do you hear that my love?" Bronwyn said as she stroked his hair with the back of her hand as she looked at him lovingly.

"There is one other thing that I wanted to point out... He has...auto erections if you will."

"Auto..." Bronwyn was pleasantly shocked to say the least.

"For the past four days. We weren't sure if this was just an occurrence that happened with healing...we've never seen it happen to such a degree... Um, if you will, gently stroke him..." All to excited, Bronwyn jumped at the chance. She took him in her hand and before she even moved she could feel his power emanating through her and it spoke, telling her that she was the force that held his dynasty together and in that moment she smiled to herself as she began to carefully stroke him to a hard on, enjoying it so much that she found herself growing wet even as the doctor looked on.

"Amazing!" He said as Harlan's penis grew to a full hard on, enticing the doctor who tried to keep it professional but oh, with Bronwyn stroking it just so... "You can stop now"

"Get out!" She said as she continued to stroke him.

"You don't want to be..."

"Now. Go...find something to do" she huffed and he immediately left the room, leaving the door ajar so he peeked in. Bronwyn immediately hiked up her dress and climbed atop him, slowly impaling herself on him, the familiar ache between her thighs and the pressure filling her so wonderfully.

"My love..." She said, as she rode his unconscious body. "I have some news" she grinned "news that I think will make you very happy..."

She had thought that one day, if she ever gave him this news it would be under different circumstances. She had fantasized about it happening one day, even though he'd said no but hey, things happened and she just knew that he'd be so proud.

"Harlan, I know that you explained to me why Olivia should be the one to give you back William and I understand, I do it's just, something wonderful has happened and I just know you'll be thrilled about it as much as I am... Oh god Harlan!" She screamed as she kept at it.

That night we made love; William is going to have a brother...they'll only be three months apart; they'll practically be...twi- twins." She was coming apart quite quickly at the feel of him inside her.

"Oh sir..." She let out a loud whimper as she clutched the headboard, she was so close. "I'm so fortunate to have your seed growing in my womb, to be blessed with this life...all thanks to you! Oh sweet daisies!" She screamed as she came with a truly maniacal look about her. The crazy that only hinted at her features months ago were now full fledged. William had taken her to the brink but Harlan had done it, he'd pushed her over the edge and there was no coming back, especially now that his baby was more than just a concept she'd dreamt of and as she collapsed, using the headboard to hold herself up from her shaking, when it subsided she leaned down and kissed Harlan, first on the lips then kissing his face and neck.

"I love you darling" she said, kissing him again while he lay unconscious then reaching down to hold his penis while she let it slide from her body with some resistance, his weak ejaculate quickly leaking out of her and she immediately bent down to lap it up and lick him clean.

... ... ...

Out in the hall the doctor was zipping himself up, having spilled himself on the floor. In all his days, he had never seen a member as beautiful as Harlan's; even being discolored he thought it was fabulous and smiled as he bent to clean up his mess!

* * *

Nick got to the hospital and up to the ICU to find Amanda kneeling on the floor, seemingly in shock. There were trails of tears on her face as new ones made their way down, and she just sat there quietly with her arms wrapped around herself and crying silently.

"Amanda?" Nick said with his heart beating fast.

"Nick!" She quickly got up and threw herself into his arms, tears flowing. "He's weakening."

"What? He, I just..." She pulled away, a total mess and looked back towards the operating room.

"They had to take him back to surgery... His heart; the bullet moved and caused a bleed... If he dies..." She cried. He pulled her into his arms again.

"Don't. He's gonna be fine." He said holding her.

"He's not and I'm not ready to let him go, I'm not ready..." When she began sobbing his heart broke, not just for her but for himself, for Olivia; she needed Fin. He was the only thing that was keeping her sa... He couldn't die. They all needed him.

"This may be a longshot but..." Just as he was about to finish the doctor came out once again.

"Ms. Rollins" she said. Amanda disengaged from Nick's embrace and turned to face her, wiping her tears.

"Please tell me he's alive!" The doctor stood there and looked at them before she spoke, choosing her words carefully.

* * *

"_Mommy, if I die will you still love me?" Ashley asked as she lay in her hospital bed on her way to sleep. She had been in and out of the hospital for the better part of a year with leukemia and they'd prayed for a cure, sat back and watched helplessly while she sat on the bone marrow donor list and not a match was found. 3 years old and she would surely die if they didn't find one soon and the clock was ticking. but then god answered their prayers, Grace discovered she was pregnant and the doctor told them that they should test the baby to see if it would be a match and they were overjoyed when the tests came back and it was. Now 8 and ½ months pregnant their baby would soon be here and Ashley would be cured. _

"_I'll always love you and you're not going to die. Soon your brother will be here in a few short weeks and everything will be better, you'll see."_

Grace had moments like this where she thought of Ashley. She was the sweetest little girl and an even sweeter young lady until just before…today makes 14 years since she last saw her baby girl and it hasn't gotten easier to deal with even though she'd long ago accepted that her daughter was dead.

She had decided like every year to take flowers to the river as a memorial to Ashley. She, Sam and Doc would light paper lanterns and say a prayer for her. This year however, it would just be she and Sam after Doc had been arrested...how could he have been involved with the torture of that woman for months and Grace had no idea? It made her sick just thinking about it.

"Sam, 5 minutes!" She called to him as the doorbell rang and she went to open it

"Grace Taylor?" Chief Arlow asked, he was there along with another cop and they both looked serious.

"Look, I don't care what my lousy, soon to be ex-husband has done..."

"Ma'am we're not here for your husband...it's about your daughter."

"Ashley? I don't...what..." She said feeling flustered and suddenly unable to stand as she took a seat in the chair by the door, feeling as if she would faint. She'd told herself years ago that Ashley was gone but she knew in her heart that these men, right now were here to confirm it and she just couldn't hear it.

"Please...don't say it." She begged through her tears that came quickly. Sam was just coming down the stairs and immediately went to his mother when he saw her distress kneeling in front of her to see if she was alright but she just cried.

"Mom?"

"We're so sorry" Arlow began "...but we found her body."

"Her body...Mom wh- Ashley?" Sam said hysterical.

"She was buried in a shallow grave just under the old barn at Sheriff Holmes', her...

Arlow continued talking, Grace went through the motions while Sam was numb and cried silent tears. By the time Arlow and Peters left the house, they too were in tears and they took a moment, sitting in their car.

"Can this year get any worse?" Arlow said as he hung his head.

"What I don't get...why do we do this? Why do we get to go and tell a woman like that, a woman who's already been through the hell of finding out that her husband's a sick rapist; that young man who in spite of his father, is a good man, we have to tell her that her child, his sister was found dead after 14 years and right under our noses...why?" Peters asked as tears trailed his voice.

"I don't know...I don't..." Arlow said and punched the steering wheel several times in a fit of rage and then straightened up, fixed his hair and clothes, returning to the stoic man he always is. "I don't know" He remarked and started the car.

* * *

It had been three days since Olivia was admitted and still she hadn't said a word; just slept. Elliot at first thought that it was exhaustion but every day he could see that it was something more. Olivia needed help and he was thankful that she was in a position to get it. Right now she lay there in the bed with her eyes closed, in somewhat of a sleep state while Elliot sat holding her hand.

"Liv... Just tell me what to do" he cried. Three days where he sat here feeling his own sanity start to slip by seeing her this way and there was nothing he could do, nothing except sit and hope and wait...

"I'm here" he told her, stroking her hand as her eyes opened. "Liv?" But she offered no words, just stared blankly at nothing but he could see so much pain in her eyes, pain the lead to tears and those tears soon spilled over I and became drops on her pillow that wouldn't stop even as she wrapped her arms around herself and her her body began to shake from her sobs. Not knowing what else to do and against the doctor's wishes, Elliot picked up her shallow frame from the bed and just held her without a word as she cried, finding comfort in his arms.

Finally after crying for what seemed like hours she fell asleep again and Elliot was alone again there in the quiet with just her sleeping form and his thoughts. He looked at her there in his arms, sleeping what appeared to be peacefully and he couldn't help but start to cry as he held her.

"You didn't deserve this" he whispered to her "all the good you do, all the people you've helped; you didn't deserve this or any of it...Liv I'm so sorry; I'm sorry I wasn't here when you needed me, I'm sorry that I wasn't here to protect you. All the good you do and this... I swear to you I'm gonna help you through this." Looking at her he couldn't help but notice the secret she'd been hiding and he reached down to touch her stomach, coming so close but deciding not to; he couldn't, not knowing how she felt, or if she felt. He still didn't know if she was in fact aware.

He was reluctant to put her down at this point but he'd held her in his arms for two hours he knew her body must be tired with carrying a baby and so he moved to lay her down to at least get her comfortable, but no sooner than he'd gotten up, her eyes opened.

"Please don't let me go..." She said in the smallest voice against his chest, so small he wasn't sure he heard it but there she was, she was in his arms and talking, although it was only those few words but there they were and there she was and he was immediately overcome looking in her eyes.

"I won't Liv, I won't let you go." He promised with his voice full of emotion and sat down holding her close. "I won't ever let you go again!" He promised her, thinking about those long years where he was undercover and all he wished for was her; he wouldn't let go again! He sat for a moment, holding her close and was shocked when he felt her arms slide around his torso as her tears sank into the collar of his shirt.

... ... ...

The next few days, Elliot stayed with her and finally got her eating; she'd sit and let him feed her those first days, eventually taking on the task herself. During that time she'd talk for a bit; never saying much and saying it barely audibly but she was talking and that in in itself made him happy. She slept a lot in those three days, and when she wasn't sleeping she'd cry. No words, just silent tracks of tears or sometimes she'd just sit until sleep claimed her - 11, 12 hours she'd be out then wake up and repeat the cycle.

He slept in the chair by her bedside, talking to her even though he wasn't sure if he was getting through but still he talked to her and when she would close her eyes, he'd watch her sleep and he'd pray. He knew that she didn't much believe in God but he asked him to watch over her; she was in such a fragile mindset and he figured if nothing else, god would help her. It was nearing six o'clock in the evening on the sixth day when Nick walked in and greeted Elliot.

"Hey" He said, a hushed tone which Elliot spoke in as well.

"Hey" Elliot didn't turn around, instead he kept his eyes on Olivia. She was asleep at the moment- thankful sleep, even though her face would be disturbed with worry from time to time, Elliot thought she looked so beautiful and peaceful; he only hoped that her dreams, if she had any, were kind as he moved her hair out of her eyes.

"I got you a sandwich and some coffee" he said, handing Elliot the bag and cup which he gratefully accepted. "I wasn't sure if you'd eaten."

"No, I hadn't. Thanks, I appreciate it." He reached for his wallet.

"Don't worry about it." Nick said, quickly refusing Elliot repaying him. "Any change?" Nick asked.

"She did a little talking this morning and we stepped outside on the atrium, but then she just went right back to sleep." He said looking at her as he stroked her hair out of her face. Nick watched him and couldn't help but see the love Elliot had for her. He hadn't been there all those years before Elliot left but he'd heard of how close they were. It's just to see it; Olivia meant the world to Elliot, there was no denying and though he wasn't exactly sure what had went down to get them at this crossroad he knew that Olivia knew her best friend was home and that he'd be there for her.

"She say anything about...?" But El was busy staring at Olivia and it took him a moment to answer.

"Uh no… she uh, I think she remembers she's just not addressing it...I think it's just safer for her right now to just…" Nick didn't have to say that he understood, Elliot knew and Nick just nodded his agreeance. How's Fin doin?"

"The doctors are still blown away, they don't know how he's alive but he is. He's been askin about Olivia but he knows you're with her so he's good." Elliot sat eating his sandwich and grinned.

"Sounds like Fin" he said.

"Fin's being a pain in the ass, the doctors are ready to throw him out!" He grinned.

"Well it's good; not that they wanna throw him out, that he's improved so much. When's he gettin out?" He asked with another bite of his sandwich.

"If there are no more issues, two weeks but of course You know Fin"

"Oh yeah! I remember he got shot a long time ago in a bodega robbery and it was pretty serious, that bullet nearly took him out but he signed out of the hospital a day later and went to work solving a case...that's Fin." The two mean sat and laughed then got quiet again. "Thanks again for the sandwich"

"No worries." The two men sat silently as Elliot drank a hearty sip of his coffee and they looked at Olivia sleeping.

* * *

Over at the hospital in Fin's room…

"Knock knock."

"Hey Amanda" Fin said with a smile.

"Still holdin on I see" she laughed kissing his head.

"Take more than that to take me down...I just wish they'd let me outta here" he said scratching at one of the tubes in his arm. "I have to see about Olivia"

"You are gonna stay your ass right where you are. Olivia's okay, Nick said that Elliot's taking real good care of her. She's comin back to us and so are you, you're not gonna rush it."

"Okay mom! ...so you wanna tell me why you haven't been up to see her? What happened to you?"

"I just...she...Fin I tried, alright? It's just, how many times am I supposed to look at her like I don't see the pain she carries? She came through Lewis and I don't care what she says, I know something more went on than what she said Fin she was broken, for months she just... She still wasn't past it but she was coping, both times"

"And she'll get through it this time. Maybe you're right, maybe there was more to the story about Billy but who cares? Amanda she needs us now and you can either step up or hide. It's been over well over a month, you gotta decide what side of the fence you're on." Amanda knew that he was right, her tears told her that he was but that there was more to it than that.

"Fin I messed up!"

"Messed up how?"

"I um..." Her tears suddenly got heavier as her cries got deeper until she couldn't talk and just sobbed.

"Manda; it's okay, talk to me!" He held her hand as she cried, wanting more than anything to hold her. "What's goin on with you?"

"I had...I had an abor- abortion two days ago..."

"I'm sorry"

"I'm not. I had to...it wasn't right, I...Fin the baby...it w-it was Cassidy's"

"Amanda..."

"It was a one time thing..." She wiped her eyes "right before we found Liv we just...that's what he and Nick argued about at the hospital. We never did it again until almost a week ago but the damage had already been done from that first night, I found out a couple days later. I knew I couldn't keep it so I didn't. I didn't discuss it with Cassidy, I didn't tell anyone, I just..."

"So why the tears?" Fin asked.

"Because...I was stupid with what I did and I realize now. I'm just glad it's over!"

"You okay?"

"Yeah. I just needed to get that out. I promise, I'll go to Liv...it's way past time. Anyway I'm pulling a double so...thanks for letting me dump on you" she said.

"Don't worry about it. I expect a report on your visit tomorrow." With a smile on her face she kissed his cheek.

"You got it, get some sleep." She said and walked out feeling ten loads lighter than when she got there.

* * *

"I can't believe that- Cassidy just took off; now?" Elliot said quite shocked.

"Yeah well that's him, but I'd rather not discuss his antics."

"No argument there!"

"So if you don't mind me asking, what happened with you two?" Elliot stopped and looked down at the floor then back up at Nick.

"Um, I shot a kid, couldn't get over it...she had shot 3 suspects, shot up the precinct...and she was gonna shoot Olivia."

"...and so you killed her?" Nick asked sorrowfully.

"I never actually admitted that to anyone before today...not even Olivia. After I killed her I went through... I can't even put into words. I had just everything... I uh, I had this assignment that the FBI wanted me to go on and I thought "why stay?" so I went and I didn't look back. If only I'd known that while I was out trying to save; she was here going through hell."

"You didn't know" Nick said

"I should've known, I should've been here"

"You're here now"

"I just wish I could go back. She never should've gone through any of it." A moment passed between the two where it became hard to say the words that were in the air and they once again found themselves staring at Olivia from across the room for a long moment.

"...you can ask me" Nick said in a somewhat reticent tone. "If you wanna know about Lewis...you can ask me" he told Elliot.

"I fought with myself a million times on that...I wanted to ask Fin, ask Cap; I even called Munch but I couldn't... It's her story and she has to be the one to tell it; or not. But it has to stay hers and I have to respect it."

"You're a lot different than I heard about, Stabler that's for sure."

"Chalk it up to 3 years with time to think...what'd you hear about me?"

"That you were a hothead among other things..." He said with a snicker.

"I'm still a hothead"

"Tell me about it. I'm sure that Doc character hasn't forgotten... You're good people. I thought all these years watching Olivia have to wean herself off you and then snap right back after Lewis; she wouldn't say it to anybody but Fin and I... She missed you bad and I wanted to kill you cuz you weren't here for her, especially having to relive it all during the trial. I'm just glad that you're here now, I'm glad I got to know you; even through the circumstances; you're a stand-up guy, I can see why Liv loves you so much!" He said and held out his hand as if to offer peace between the two. Elliot took his hand and shook it, a short hug ensuing.

"I appreciate that."

"Besides, leave again and you got a hit squad on your ass!" He said.

"Touché!"

* * *

As Amanda sat at her desk at the precinct playing catch up with some paperwork, she thought of what she said to Fin tonight and she thought of Olivia. Fin was right, it was time to stop making excuses and be there for her friend and she hasn't been a very good friend to Olivia as of late she practically checked out from day 1 and she hated herself for it, she hated herself even more for the way she let things go down with Brian. Sure, the first time no one could blame them, they were both grieving and needed someone not when she thinks of the fact that she willingly went back a second time and did it again and that she was unaware that he'd gotten her pregnant - not exactly like they were careful, hell they were anything but. She basically lay there while he fucked her without protection twice, and not only that but she'd begged for him to come inside her. She needed to feel him this way, but a baby?

"You're so stupid!" She said to herself, scolding. Brian, though he has issues "ha, issues Amanda!" But he loves Olivia if you can call it that; still, it was wrong of her. Thank god she got rid of that baby, it would only have brought her problems that right now she really didn't need, the first of which being Brian and she didn't want to deal with him telling her she needed to abort it. This way everyone's happy and she would definitely be ending things with him when she saw him again. Right now she was just gonna focus her attention on Liv and not think about anything else. She actually couldn't wait for tomorrow.

* * *

At the Freed estate in the Hamptons, Bronwyn was coming in to check on Harlan before retiring to bed for the night, but stopped to have a look at herself in her bedroom mirror. She was dressed in a long, sheer gown with sleeves that draped as long as the gown itself and the gown hung from her shoulders. With nothing on beneath it she left nothing to the imagination and that's exactly what she was going for as she would seduce Harlan again tonight except could one actually call it seducing if the intended target was in a constant state of unconsciousness?

Satisfied that she looked good, she made her way out of her room and across the hall to Harlan's. She had been doing this excitingly for the past 5 days since the first time and she couldn't wait to get to him. Earlier she had met with her PI who kept tabs on Olivia and was happy to know that she was still in the mental hospital but getting better after only a week. As usual he gave her pictures, she was so happy to see that Olivia was steadily growing with William. She was so much more round now and though he couldn't see it, Harlan could hear as she described it and she knew that he was thrilled to know that his son was coming along well and she hung that picture along with every other she'd had taken of Olivia on the wall in his bedroom so that he could see them when he woke up.

She entered the room and notified the nurse on duty that she would be taking over for some time. Betty, the nurse thought she was completely nuts and wondered just what she would be doing in that getup but she figured it couldn't be too bad and besides, with the money Bronwyn was paying her, who cared?

"I'll need you close in case my Harlan has trouble so just have a seat in the hall."

"Yes ma'am!" Betty said as she left the room, Bronwyn getting excited.

"Harlan...darling do you like what I wore for you tonight? I tried to imagine something that would get you excited...what do you think?" She asked as she twirled for him, the thought never registering that he can't see her.

"Do you like the picture I took of your son?" She asked while she came close to him and slid a hand to his crotch. "He looks well inside Olivia doesn't he?" No accounting for the fact that it was a picture of Olivia caught off guard and standing beside Elliot as they took a walk on the grounds outside or that she was standing so close to him like she was afraid that her own shadow might get her. In Bronwyn's eyes she was merely a vessel that was carrying the prize.

"He's getting so big...soon it won't be hard to see him. Don't worry my love, I'll get her and I'll bring her somewhere that she can stay until our son can be delivered and then lights out for her... Now, let's take a break from Olivia and have some quality time...and our baby loves it when you're inside me" she said as she stroked him to a hard on "so let's make that happen." She said and climbed on top, so excited, she didn't notice Harlan's hand twitch and ball into a fist.

* * *

"So Munch bought the giant bear...and about 50 bouquets of flowers"

"Munch? Old guy, skinny, glasses?" Nick laughed as they sat on the couch by the window.

"The one and only." Elliot grinned.

"Wow...so that's where all this came from? I just...he spent money!"

"Can you believe it?"

"No. Ah man, I'd better get going, supposed to be on a double tonight with Amanda. I'll swing by tomorrow if I get some time."

"Liv would like that" Elliot said as Nick got up to leave. "You know... Thanks"

"For what?"

"Looking out for her"

"I just...it's nothin. You do what you gotta do for the people you love." He said then went to Liv and looked at her for a moment before turning to Elliot. "Goodnight El"

"Night" and Nick Left he and Olivia alone as Elliot thought of what Nick said and smiled then stepped out of the room for a moment to make a phone call. He was in the hall for about 20 minutes and when he came in he decided to get some sleep since Olivia would probably be out for the night and he headed to the chair to get comfortable when he heard a tiny voice.

"El" He turned around to see that Olivia was sitting up in bed.

"I have to pee"

"Come on, I'll help you up." He said and approached the bed, taking her hand in his and leading g her towards the bathroom. "...you okay?"

"I'm okay... El?"

"Yeah?" he asked as they walked towards the bathroom.

"I'm hungry." When she said that he smiled.

"You're hungry?" He asked as he stood at the door and she nodded. At that moment he never thought she looked more beautiful than she did standing there in her hospital gown with her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail and he had tears in his eyes as he spoke.

"Okay...yeah, I'll get some food, what do you want?"

"Can we have Chinese?" Her words were unexpected and he got choked up.

"Yeah...we can have Chinese." He said as he fought his tears.

* * *

**.**

**Aren't I sweet letting Fin live?**


	29. Her Decision

**I could blame the long wait on the story not wanting to be written or fighting me, but the truth is I've been lazy and didn't want to write a lazy story so I waited until I wasn't and now here we are. Regular updates from now on, I promise. Dick Wolf owns. Enjoy.**

* * *

.

Another 2 weeks passed before she left the hospital in much better health than when she went in. She had opened up a bit and talked to the therapist on site but it was having Elliot there that got her through. She leaned on him heavily, slowly learning to trust him again and so thankful that he was here for her. She never would be able to thank Fin for letting him in when she pushed him away; right now she needed her best friend and thanks to Fin she had him.

When she began feeling like she wasn't so vulnerable she insisted that Elliot go home to get some sleep; those were the nights that she laid awake thinking about her future and where exactly the baby fit into it. She was almost 5 months pregnant and time wasn't something she had a lot of; neither was indecisiveness.

In the back of her mind, she'd known the minute that Dr. Aimes had put that sonogram machine in her hand.

"_...the baby looks good…would you like to hear the heartbeat?"_

_She knew that she should have said no, knew that she was too far down an emotional hole but she didn't listen to her head, didn't listen to reason when it told her this was a bad idea. Like always, she listened to her heart and her heart was telling her that this baby was hers to love regardless of circumstance, they'd survived this ordeal together and so it was with her eyes full of tears that she nodded a simple yes._

_"Are you sure?"_

_"I'm sure" Olivia said and blew out a deep, nervous breath as Dr. Aimes handed her the tiny monitor. One look at the image of the tiny little person on the screen, the tiny little person inside her and the emotion began stirring; emotion that quadrupled when Dr. Aimes turned up the volume and the sound of the tiny beating heart filled the room. Olivia watched and listened for a long moment, trying to fight the tears that stung her eyes while biting back her sobs._

_"Heartbeat's strong…you have a very healthy 12 week fetus" She shoved the monitor back into Dr. Aimes' hand and grabbed the paper towel beside her to wipe the gel from her stomach, pushing the doctor's hand away._

She'd freaked out then but still she knew, even when she didn't that she had no choice in the matter, she knew then that she loved this baby but she was so unsure about it. She felt guilty for loving anything that he'd put into place; her baby would be a Lewis and that was just too much to think about. Now that she'd been given time however, it's all she thought about and it's what she said to the therapist. _"I feel like this baby needs me; not just to house it and grow it but to love it. I mean, who understands better than me what it's gonna be like growing up this way? I think I'm… am I crazy for wanting to keep it?"_

...

During those days, she and El got to talk about a lot of things; why he left being one of the more salient issues. He didn't hold back anything, telling her all there was.

"All this time; I thought…" She was in tears at his confession. All the years she'd gone on thinking that he'd just pulled the cord on them, that she had somehow come to mean nothing in the 12 years they'd been together… "that I meant nothing to you and I didn't understand…"

"No...there was never a moment where I didn't think of you, where I didn't hope you were ok, hope that my leaving didn't…"

"Scar me?" When she said that he grew quiet. "Elliot, three years without you yet I never learned to live without you; if that gives you any idea."

"If I could go back…"

"You'd do what, make yourself miserable?"

"But I'd be there"

"You had your own problems to work on and I understand that."

"I could've taken care of you...taken care of-"

"Don't say it. Please don't say that name, don't…"

"I'm sorry" He apologized as he pulled her to him and held her tighter than he even knew, but there in his arms she felt so safe.

...

Fin was probably the biggest help of all during her hospital stay. Though he couldn't be there he'd constantly be on the phone with her, talking her through when he could. He was the voice of reason through a lot and those times when he couldn't; Elliot and Nick were always right there and sometimes even Amanda.

She kept her word to Fin that she would reach out and she had. She realized that she had been silly to think that it anything would matter except being there for Olivia. Harlan or Lewis or Brian - none of it mattered more than seeing that Olivia would get back to herself and that was the point of focus, nothing else.

Going forward when Olivia was deemed healthy enough to be released from the hospital, it was Elliot and Nick who saw to it that she got home and settled. Nick stayed for a while but then had to get back to work and he left Olivia with Elliot, promising that Amanda would be by later after work.

When he was gone, Elliot locked the door then came back to the living room to sit with Olivia on the sofa and was surprised that she seemed to be lost somewhere in her own head as she sat deep in thought.

"Olivia…" He called softly. She immediately looked up from her absent stare out the window as she felt a pain in her back.

"I was just…"

"Not getting caught up in negative thoughts I hope" he said as he sat beside her but leaving space between them.

"It's hard not to, considering…" she said looking down at her bump.

"I know. Your doctor said talking about it-"

"It's so much easier with Fin"

"I'm sorry"

"It's not...I didn't mean…" She said

"Liv, it's okay; I get it" she nodded nervously as a long silence settled between them.

"I um; you once told me that no matter how I decided to become a mother…"

"...I'd support you; and I will." He knew, and she knew that he knew or at least suspected about her pregnancy; it wasn't that easy to hide anymore but today it just felt right in telling him, so why was she crying as she sat up and looked at him?

"El I'm pregnant. I know you probably knew but I am; Harlan um...he um…" She broke down and sobbed.

"Liv, it's okay" he said, though everything in him wanted to dig up that man's corpse and kill him again for this torment that Olivia was going through but unable to do that, he reached out and hugged her. She allowed him to embrace her for a moment and then quickly pulled away and wiped her eyes.

"I'm four and a half months and" gently touching her stomach "I um, I'm gonna keep it!" she said as she wiped more tears from her eyes and blew out a sigh of relief that she was able to finally get the words out and tell someone else. With the words came an unfamiliar pain, deep in her abdomen but she ignored it and shifted to relieve it. Elliot noticed her discomfort but figured it must be a common pregnancy pain if she ignored it and he carried on with the conversation.

"You're sure about this?"

"I don't know...but this baby, it deserves a chance." She cried. "It's funny because I always thought that if it came down to it, I'd know that I wanted to get rid of it. I'm a child of rape and I'd never want to inflict that on a baby but here I am and I don't know, maybe I'm completely doing the wrong thing but I just feel like it; he or she deserves a chance. El, I'm so-" there was a discomforting look on her face as the pain returned. Elliot didn't ignore it this time and gently put a hand to her shoulder as he questioned her.

"Liv; you okay?"

"I don't know…" She grimaced as the pain got worse "Ahhh… El something's wrong!

...

He wasted no time in getting her to the hospital where she was quickly admitted with premature labor pains. The doctor did an ultrasound to see just how far along she was, telling her in the process that the baby was small for its age. When Olivia told her that she hasn't had any prenatal care, she went straight to lecturing Olivia about why, reminding her of all the things that could go wrong, especially at the age.

"I…" She started, crying not just from the pain but the question. Elliot, wanting to spare her from having to relive it yet again pulled the doctor off to the side and told her that Olivia had been raped and the baby had been conceived from it leaving the doctor feeling embarrassed.

"Ms. Benson, I didn't… I'm sorry." The doctor apologized earnestly.

"Please, just don't let me lose...oh god!" Olivia cried as she pain returned. She quickly grabbed Elliot's hand and squeezed her eyes shut trying to cope with it.

"I promise, we'll do everything we can." she said before she left.

"Just breathe." Elliot said calmly.

"It hurts!"

"This is nothing, wait till the real thing comes!" He smiled, trying to bring some light to the situation and got a slight smile in return before she started to cry.

"What if this _is_ the real thing? Babies don't survive this early!" She cried into his arms.

* * *

In the Hamptons at the Freed estate, Bronwyn had arrived and found the nurse and doctor excited beyond belief when she'd arrived, the nurse greeting her at the car just charged and couldn't wait to get her inside.

"I got here as fast as I could considering the circumstances...what's so urgent?" Bronwyn questioned as she walked inside the foyer to the house and removed her raincoat. It had been pouring in the city since yesterday and the rain had now reached the Hamptons.

"Oh Miss Fre..." the nurse started

"It's…" Bronwyn began to correct her.

"...Mrs. Lewis; I'm sorry." The young nurse apologized, she was just so eager to tell Bronwyn the news. "I didn't want to tell you while you were on your way here"

"Tell me what?" Bronwyn said as she and the nurse were on their way up the left side of the grand, marble staircase.

"He's awake!"

* * *

The days seemed to go on and on into one big nightmare for Doc. Between being beaten and raped, he thought that he would never see his way out of it, having nothing with which to bargain with the DA anymore...they'd found his little secret; the graves where he and Harlan had buried those women and Ashley...the grave where they intended to bury Olivia; god he hadn't been so obsessed with anybody since his daughter! He liked to imagine that Ashley would have been much like her if she had lived; the long legs, the full breasts, the breathy voice…the way she took him, took them all. _God that was one hell of a woman! _He thought. Olivia being what got him through these tough times. He could just imagine himself back there in that room, giving it to her. Imagine her mouth as it screamed _no, _her ass as it…

"Taylor, you got visitors! Let's go!" The guards said roughly. Leave it to them to disturb a man when he was at peace and enjoying himself!

"Is it my lawyer?"

"No, now get on your feet!"

When he got down to the visitation room, he paused as he looked over at the thick glass that separated the visitors from the inmates and he was thankful that it existed as he spotted his son sitting there and looking so angry. He quickly swallowed as he made his way over to the seat and took a moment before he lifted the phone.

"Sam…"

"I debated coming here...I told myself that I was done with you after what you did to Sergeant Benson. I thought that you had hit your lowest, most disgusting point...but then, on the sheriff's property, they found Ashley..."

"Son, I didn't…"

"Please..." Sam said with teary eyes that were saddened. "Please don't do this. Please don't look me in the eye and lie to my face again; please just don't when we both...what did you do to her?"

"I don't know what you're tal-" he lied.

"You don't know what I'm talking about...she was four-teen! Fourteen years old and she didn't just bury herself in that barn; If you have the slightest bit of humanity left, you tell me what you did to her!"

Doc looked at his son who sat before him crying, so saddened at finding out that the sister he loved so much has been buried; simply discarded carelessly to preserve a secret and though Doc felt bad, he couldn't do it. He wouldn't confess. It was his story to the cops that he didn't know Harlan had buried those bodies just like it was his story that Harlan forced him with Olivia and they only reason he had gone to her hospital room that day was out of fear. No, he had a plan to beat all of this and he wouldn't give up now, so when he took one last look at his son and swore to him that it was a mistake that he had nothing to do with, he was determined to stick with it. Sam just sat there, shocked that his father would deny it, even now.

"I hope you die in this place!" Sam said before he got up and walked away.

* * *

"I'm at Liv's place, I thought you said she was here" Amanda said to a confused Nick through the phone.

"She should be; you know what, she's probably getting a nap, did you try calling?"

"Yeah, I got the machine." She said.

"I'll call Stabler, I'm sure she's probably out with him" he said more hoping than actually sure.

"Liv, out?"

"I'll call you back!" panicking, he hung up while Amanda was too.

"God please…" She prayed and decided that she'd wait by the door for Nick's call, just in case.

* * *

"I'm glad you called, I was about to call you" Elliot said quietly into the phone. While the doctor was in with Olivia, he ducked out into the hall to answer his phone.

"What's going on? Amanda is at Liv's place and she's not there!" Nick said.

"That's because she's in the hospital"

"Wait, what do you-"

"She was having premature labor pains but we got to Mercy; thank god the doctor has them slowed down!"

"Is she alright?"

"Good as can be expected. The thing is I got a call about somewhere I need to be and she's insisting that I go but I can't leave her."

"It's okay, I'm on my way. Give me 10 minutes!"

* * *

Inside Olivia's building, Amanda was just ending a call with Nick.

"Alright, I'll come by after work. And Nick, tell her I'm thinking of her." She hung up after that. Nick didn't say the reason she was hospitalized, just that it was nothing serious and he was on his way there; he also asked her not to tell Fin so that he wouldn't get excited. He was already looking at another 2 weeks in the hospital after he'd had a tear to his artery wall and they didn't want to aggravate it further.

Amanda put the phone away and was walking towards the elevator when the doors opened and Brian stepped off carrying flowers.

"Brian...I didn't...how are you?" She stammered. "You're back"

"Yeah I...ya know, I'm good thanks for asking" he answered. He was still quite uneasy around Amanda, not knowing what to make of what was.

"Uh, if you're comin to see Liv, she's not there" she said gesturing back to the apartment. A look of disappointment washed over him.

"Where is she?"

"Hospital. It's nothing serious according to Nick but he's there with her...I should get goin" she said and turned to walk away.

"Hey uh, if you wanna go for a drink…"

"I can't; I'm on the clock...maybe another time." But the she turned back to face him "or maybe not at all." She said suddenly.

"I thought we were good"

"We were it's just...look I really need to get my head together ya know and I...I just can't; I'm sorry!" When she backed away, taking the staircase instead, he had a confused look about him but he didn't put too much into it and he left with the flowers.

* * *

"This is like a miracle!" Bronwyn said again, still not believing that her Harlan had woken up. He was present, here with her and she was filled with so much joy. "Thank the lord!" Although he hadn't yet spoken or moved, she knew it was just a matter of time though right now he just looked at her all weird while he sat up in bed, his eyes following the doctor and her.

"Thank modern medicine" the doctor quipped. "Though it truly is amazing! You'd given him so much of that drug we didn't think he'd wake up- ever!"

"What do you want, I'm not a chemist; he's alive isn't he?" she said as she wiped Harlan's mouth of the drool that had escaped. "And you're sure he'll be okay?"

"I've checked, he seems perfectly normal. Right now I'd say it's just a matter of when!" He said, neither of them aware that Harlan could not only hear but understand them and he was biding his time until he was up and around again. He had a score to settle!

* * *

"I'm on a roll; out of the psych ward and into the maternity ward…" Olivia said weakly from her hospital bed. The contractions had all but stopped, one coming every half hour or so and she was beyond thankful as she lay there with the fetal monitor attached, listening to the heartbeat.

"I still can't get over it; you're gonna have a baby!" Nick said, still in shock. He had known about it but like Elliot it was a whole other thing to hear it come from Olivia herself.

"I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but…" She said as she caressed her bump at the top of her swell. The way she loved that baby was already so evident. "I have to try"

"You're gonna do great."

"I'm just worried that maybe you all won't accept-"

"Put that out of your mind. I know I for one, love you and I'm gonna love this baby; I think we all will." He said and squeezed her hand.

"I'm just...I have to deal with the rapes and this baby and possibly losing her…"

"You said _her"_

"The doctor said it's a girl." She said. "I'm having a daughter. I mean it happened to my mom and now me...what if"

"Don't. This baby is a new start!"

"My father got away with what he did to my mother just like Harlan gets away with what he did to me. He gets to lie peaceful in a box just like his son. He'll never answer for what he did to me, he'll never pay… I'm just glad that I sent him out the way I did. I hope he burns in hell!"

* * *

At the Freed estate, Bronwyn had just rolled off of Harlan after riding him for dear life and now she lay beside him in all her nude glory, talking.

"I'm really glad that we can be together like this my love." She said and kissed him. "The baby loves that he can feel his daddy so close."

_Baby?_

"I was thinking we could name him after my father since Olivia will have Harlan William...or maybe we could just name her child William and I can use Harlan."

_Tell me I did not impregnate this cow! _He thought and closed his eyes to the horror while Bronwyn continued going on and on.

"I've been keeping tabs on Olivia just like I said I would"

_Olivia? _That got his eyes open.

"She's got the baby still inside...William is growing just beautifully!"

_My boy_

"You'll see them soon enough when I bring them here...just a few months and everything will be ready and no one will suspect."

_This heifer sure thinks like me, if nothing else, I'll give her that!_

"Olivia will get here in time, but right now…" she turned and hovered over his penis. "I took.a class, how about I try it out on an actual person?" She said and went down on him.

_Well it ain't all bad!_

* * *

**.**

**More to come. No twitter spoilers please.**


	30. Her Decision II

**Told you I'd be updating this regularly. Back with part 30...can't say that Bronwyn, Doc or Harlan dies but just wait on it, they've got something coming, I promise. On another note, you'll see a new character. Anyway, Dick Wolf owns, enjoy.**

* * *

***chapter contains rape***

.

"I'm on my way back now" Elliot said to Nick as he drove carefully through New Jersey. The rain of the last two days hadn't let up and was coming down even harder in this part of town and it was all he could do to not crash the car he was driving. "How's she doing?"

"She slept for a while but the doctor's examining her now, the contractions have all but stopped so that's good." He looked down the hall and saw Brian coming towards the nurses station; flowers in hand. "Elliot, I'll see you when you get here." He said and hung up but before he could go to meet Brian halfway down the hall, the doctor appeared from Olivia's room and caught his attention.

"Is she…?"

"She's doing fine; the medicine seems to be doing its job, so that's a good thing." The doctor said.

"What about the contractions? I mean they're comin every 45 minutes or so but they're still comin."

"Down from every 30 minutes; they'll get further apart and they'll stop completely, in the meantime just keep her calm and let the medicine do its job. I'll be back to check on her in an hour."

"Thanks doc." she smiled as she left and Brian reached him. "What are you doing here?" Nick was still angry from Brian leaving to undercover and now here he was just showing up!

"I came to see Liv, she awake?" Nick just looked at him. "Hello? ...to hell with this" Brian said as he went past Nick to go to Olivia. Nick stopped him as his hand touched the door.

"Wait...I'll see if she wants you here!" He said before he went inside the dimly lit room, looking back at Brian as the door closed.

"Nick, would you give me a cup of water please?" Olivia called quietly from the bed where she sat up, the many monitors still attached to her and the baby.

"Sure" he said as he poured a cup from the pitcher on the night table and handed it to her. She took a couple sips and handed him the cup that he put back on the night table beside the pitcher.

"Thanks" she said, placing her hands back across her tiny exposed bump to feel her baby.

"Still there?" Nick joked as he sat beside her.

"So far" she joked back, quickly losing the moment and instead shifting to get comfortable.

"So uh… Cassidy's outside"

"Brian?"

"Yeah, he wants to see you and I wanna know that that's okay with you, cuz if not...I don't want him upsetting you." She sat in thought for a brief moment, running her hand over her baby. "Liv?"

"It's okay, you can...it's okay."

"You sure?"

"I am" although she wasn't, but she had to start somewhere.

"Okay; I'll be right outside." He said and got up to leave. "Go on in." He told Brian who in turn gave a snicker as he went in.

"Hey!" He greeted when he was well inside. Olivia looked up at him and momentarily wished that she could run away somewhere, just as long as she wasn't in this place right now. "How're you doin?" he was greeted by the sound of the baby's heartbeat filling the room although he didn't know what he was hearing.

"Better I suppose" She said. He sat the flowers down on the blanket and took a seat beside her bed.

"I got these for you; I figured...I don't know; you'd like some color. Only I got to the apartment and you weren't there…" he didn't miss the monitors that were attached to her, or her bump that she was caressing and suddenly the sound he'd heard became clear and he had to fight to contain himself, getting up and pacing the room.

"I had a little emergency but…"

"You're pregnant!" Olivia suddenly went quiet for a moment and kept her eyes on her belly.

"Yeah…" She said in almost a whisper, feeling some shame at the situation and she ran her hand nervously over her bump. Brian forced himself to sit again at her bedside and took a deep breath, still unable to look at her.

"I didn't know; I didn't… Why didn't you tell me?" He finally looked up at her with tears in his eyes.

"I didn't tell anyone but Fin; I couldn't...I was asha… I couldn't." Her voice was barely heard.

"What are you gonna do?"

"...I didn't know at first but now I do...I'm going to keep her." She said chewing her lip so hard that it started to bleed.

"And what if that's a mistake? Having his baby; Liv you don't wanna bring that kind of…"

"You mean like me?"

"I just meant-"

She turned her head to the side, towards the window so he wouldn't see her tears, but they fell so fast and hard down her face that it was impossible to hide them. "You don't understand" she said quietly; holding her bump with both hands while the tears continued.

"Then Liv…" He said somewhat harsher than he meant to. "make me understand; cuz I'm trying but I can't see for the life of me why you'd wanna…"

"I can't do this right now!" Her breathing had become agitated and the baby's heart rate was slowly increasing.

"I only meant that-"

"Brian please…" When she felt a familiar pain in her abdomen when one had come just 20 minutes before, she pressed the call button just as Nick came in.

"Liv, you okay?" He asked as the nurse came in.

"I'm having a contract-" She cried out.

"Contraction?" Brian started

"Everybody, out!" The nurse ordered.

"Look, that's only 20 minutes since the last one, you gotta do…" Nick said.

"And we will but right now I need you both out!" She said as she paged the doctor. "Olivia honey you'll be alright!"

...

In the hall…

"What the hell did you do!?" Nick screamed at Brian as he grabbed him by the collar and pushed him against the wall.

"I just talked to her you ass!" He said, pushing Nick off of him and straightening his shirt and leather jacket. "Nice going, btw, telling me she's pregnant; what the fuck man?!"

"I called to tell you the day you left town but you couldn't be bothered!" Nick shouted, his finger pointed in Brian's face. He quickly realized how loud he was being and stepped back a couple of feet as he looked around.

"What?"

"I called you, two weeks ago" he said now keeping his voice down. "to tell you that she was in trouble!"

"What do you mean trouble?"

Nick got quiet for a second. "She had a nervous breakdown; that's what I called you for. I found her, in her apartment; she was out of it and when I took her to her room that's when I noticed but you, you sonofabitch, you weren't interested!" Brian suddenly grew quiet, not having realized that Olivia was so bad off and he sat down in his shock.

"You know, whether or not you realize it cuz you're so busy acting like an ass, Liv loves you. She maybe can't show it right now but she does and she deserves better than you givin her hell because she can't; grow up!" The nurse came fro the room and approached them.

"Mr. Amaro, she's asking for you." Nick looked back at Brian before he walked away to Olivia's room. Once he was gone, Brian looked back at the room before he got up and left.

* * *

The next day at the precinct, Amanda walked in and was surprised when she saw someone sitting at one of the previously unoccupied desks and she stopped a minute.

_Shit! The new guy...uh Carson, no Carrington; that was the last detective, shit! _(Though the most recent detective was named Kelly, but he quit after 3 weeks on the job!)

She was so busy thinking that she didn't notice him come over to her. "Hi... Rollins, right?" and he put out his hand.

"You must be Collins." Amanda said, suddenly remembering his name and shook his hand.

"Darrell Collins; nice to meet you."

"So you're the new detective, huh?" She said, I sure hope you stick around a lot longer than the guy before you"

"Guy before me? Here, let me take that" he offered and took her bag as they walked to her desk. Amanda couldn't help notice detective Collins' clean cut features; short, neat locks, a nicely trimmed soul patch and beautiful chocolate skin- he was suddenly nice to look at!

"Yeah, he sorta quit after 3 weeks… couldn't handle what he saw!"

"That's rough" Collins said as he sat her bag down on her desk.

"That's SVU…hope you got the stomach." She couldn't help looking at him which she scolded herself for but _Jesus! _A girl was only human; 6'2 with such gorgeous… Everything!

"Nah, worked SVU for three years back in DC, I'm straight."

"DC boy?" She smiled.

"Born and raised, what about you? Is that...Georgia I hear?"

She was impressed.

"Good ear"

"Talent I picked up at Georgetown" He said,sitting comfortably on the edge of her desk and checking her out with as much intensity as she was him, reminding himself that his mother would kill him for looking at white girl but damn, she had a beautiful smile and eyes to match! While they were busy staring at each other, Amaro walked into the bullpen.

"Nick, how's Olivia?" Amanda said.

"She's gonna be fine, thank god. Who's this?" Nick said, referring to Collins.

"Our new detective. Darrell Collins this is Nick Amaro. Nick, Darrell!"

"Nice to meet you!" Nick said as they shook hands.

"Same here."

"Rollins and Collins; sounds like a team." Nick joked.

"I was just givin Darrell some pointers." Rollins said as she blushed horribly and Collins looked away, smiling.

"Uh huh…" Nick uttered while trying to keep in the laugh that wanted to erupt. Rollins had a crush and he thought it was the cutest thing. Rollins and Collins were both relieved when Murphy entered from the office.

"I see you've both met our newest detective."

"We have" Rollins said anxiously then, realizing her overzealousness she piped down as Nick looked over at her grinning.

"Why don't you take Collins with you over to Central Park West, Amaro, I wanna talk to you in my office."

* * *

Out in the Hamptons at the Freed estate, Bronwyn was tending to feeding Harlan his first real breakfast since he went in that coma; watery porridge. It fell from his mouth as she fed him, drool as well but his swallowing instinct was present and so she continued to shovel it in.

"This reminds me of the time that you cut Olivia's leg with that wire cutter; do you remember that? She bled so much and I had to feed her…"

But Harlan didn't care about that. Scars and such were not his pleasure the moment. No; what Harlan was concerned about was how it felt whenever he got inside of Olivia, how she felt like pure heaven each time. That day he'd cut her leg was particularly good.

"_I wanna see you play; get yourself off!" He said to her as he grabbed her neck but she just lay there._

"_Please...I can't." She begged._

"_Aw, see that's too damn bad!"_

"_Harlan please…" It was the first time she'd used his name and it made him hard just hearing it roll off her lips._

"_Get up!" And she tried to but the minute she got to her feet, she quickly doubled over and threw up all over his shoes and collapsed into a heap on the bed. She knew she would get it._

"_I'm sorry... I'm not…" she began dry heaving from the stench of the vomit and Harlan was so mad that he grabbed her by the neck, once again as she sat crying and threw her down, right into the vomit._

"_You fuckin bitch! You clean it, every damn drop with your mouth!" _

"_I'm sorr-" but before she could finish or get another word out, he kicked her in the face with his boots and sent her flying on her back and she lay there sobbing._

"_Get up!" He screamed but she couldn't. "I said, GET UP!" He emphasized with another much angrier kick, this time to her stomach. He knocked the wind out of her and she lay writhing on the floor in an immense amount of pain, holding her stomach and trying to force air into her lungs while she cried. _

"_I'll teach ya, damn lazy cunt and he pulled her up, she was still in so much pain but he didn't care. He slammed her on the bed, holding her by the back of the neck and pushing her nightgown up around her waist; he held her head in the mattress as she tried her best to throw him off but he quickly pinned her arms behind her back with his other hand after he loosed himself from his pants and took her amidst her cries for what felt like hours. God she was just amazing!_

_When he was done he turned her over and did her, then made her take him in her mouth which was like heaven, threatening that if she threw up on his dick she'd pay but she was so sick, she did twice and after he'd forced her to swallow both times, he left to go get something, not even bothering to lock the door and reemerged seconds later holding with it._

"_I told you you'd pay!" He said, revealing a smile along with the wire cutters…_

"...there you go, all done my sweet Harlan. Who's a big boy eating all of his food?"

_This bitch is nuts! _He thought.

"You know what I think?" She asked, removing the tray from the bed and untying her robe.

_God no!_

"The doctor said it would be a good idea to exercise your sucking reflexes…" She dropped trow. "And since pregnancy has me all extra hot for you, I know some ways we can get started!" She said suggestively and spread herself across his lap, facing him.

_What the hell is she-_

"Open up, my love!" She said before pushing her breast in his dry, parted lips.

* * *

"_...just you wait darlin...when I come, you won't even see it till it's too late!"_

She awoke so suddenly that she scared Elliot when she jumped and her breath caught.

"Liv...it's okay, you're safe!" He said as he rose up to comfort her. She look around the room, shaking. "You're safe, I promise!" He said softly as she threw herself into his arms.

"I saw Harlan...he was there and he said he's coming." She said.

"He's gone; it was just a dream." she nodded through tears as she held on trying to calm down and found his voice to be a big help. "He can't hurt you anymore!"

"A part of me knows that; it's the rest of me that's still there, in that room." She put her hand to her small belly and through her tears she took a deep breath.

"Hey, the doctor said if you get through today without any contractions, you can go home tomorrow. How about we try to make that happen?"

"Okay." She said and took another deep breath that was chased with tears until this look came across her face and she held her stomach as more tears came.

"Liv?"

"I...think the baby just kicked...I don't…"

"Kind of like a...ticklish muscle spasm?"

"There it is again. Exactly like that...oh my god, El, what am I doing? I can't have a baby!" She cried. Most moms would have been over the moon at feeling their baby for the first time but to Olivia it was like a wake-up call. "Brian was right, this is crazy!"

"Liv look at me...I will be by your side whatever you wanna do, but I know that you already know what that is and I'm not saying it to sway your mind in any certain direction but Cassidy is an ass and he shouldn't have said that."

"But what if he is right, Elliot?"

"It has to be your decision...and it was. You love this baby and right now you're scared because this is suddenly becoming real you are not alone. Lean on me as much as you need, I promise I won't let you fall."

* * *

Brian woke up with a hangover and the first thing he did was grab a beer and chase it down with a shot (or two) of Jack.

He'd spent the whole night thinking and when he was tired of thinking, he went out to a bar, found two chicks to get shitface drunk with and then brought them back to him place where he screwed them both until they, all three passed out and now at 10, he was awake and they were still passed out in his bed.

"_...things didn't end so well the last time we... but I don't care about any of that, you know? I just want her found and safe. She can push me away, tell me to get lost but I just need to see her again, to know she's alive; I'd give anything!" he said as his eyes filled with tears and he hung his head._

He remembered he'd said those words and then they'd become his reality and suddenly, he couldn't handle it.

_"I wanted you!" she sobbed. her arms around his neck where her face was buried._

That day was one of the happiest and saddest of his life. She had been found but she was completely broken...he remembered thinking that he'd give anything just to see her whole again; to see her healed, even if it meant that he couldn't be part of her healing. The hell she'd gone though.

"_I wanted you…" _

He had a lot to sort through but right now he couldn't. Nick was right, he was acting like a child and maybe he did need to grow up and maybe Olivia did love him but she was having her rapist's child. This man, he raped and tortured her to no end, and she was rewarding his memory by having his child? He didn't know if this was some form of Stockholm syndrome but he couldn't wrap his head around it.

Maybe he'd find some clarity in the arms of, or between the legs of his guests.

* * *

**2 ½ months later...**

"You look well." Dr. Lindstrom said to Olivia. He wore a gentle smile as she sat down in the chair opposite him in his office and gave a small smile of her own. Being now in the beginning of her seventh month of pregnancy left her moving somewhat slowly and it took her a few seconds to get comfortable in the leather armchair.

"How do you feel?" He asked.

"You ask me that every time I come here." She said quietly.

"And?"

"...and I don't know how I feel. I'm just...I'm concentrating on getting through one day at a time."

"And how is that?" He said and before she could speak "...I know that that's another question I ask often."

"Too often…" Olivia joked "Hard. It's uh...I haven't cracked if that's what you mean." She fidgeted with her hands, unsure of what to do with them and ended up resting them on top of her belly, just as quickly rubbing circles to calm the active child and forgetting where she was. Lindstrom watched her for a moment before he spoke.

"What's on your mind Olivia?"

Without looking at him she spoke as she continued rubbing her belly. "Amongst other things...that soon I'm gonna give birth to my rapist's baby and I don't know what I'm gonna tell her when she asks about her father one day. I'm working so hard to get past what was done to me and it might all be undone one day and I don't think I could handle it" She said with tears in her eyes. "Suddenly I understand what my mom felt like every day of her life and why she drank."

* * *

**.**

**Shorter, I know but a lot more to come. **


	31. Death and a Rapist

**Hi all, 31, not a lot to say, let's roll!**

* * *

"Ahhh, that's it sir...yes, yes; oh god… Oh God! Work it, come on, make your progeny smile...he loves it when you fuck me…" Bronwyn hollered as she sat on Harlan and rode him dutifully.

_She's been goin on like this for an hour; naked and sweatin and hollerin like a damn pig...why did this one have to be born with my sex drive? Better question, why wasn't she a boy so she could help me out? Aw man, just imagine… We coulda shared Olivia… I take her pussy, Bronson; cuz I woulda named him after Chuck; he'd take her ass… Billy coulda took her mouth, or we coulda switched it up, it don't matter... Man, the ultimate father-sons experience!_

"Oh Harlan!" But he'd had enough and he pushed her off of him. In the time since he'd opened his eyes he's made a lot of strides, practically everything but walking; his legs just won't seem to do their job! "Sir...are you upset?" She asked as she sat up rubbing her belly. He looked at her, at her pregnant belly and he felt disgust but didn't let it show. He had to think of a way to get rid of this baby.

"D-damn r-righ-right I'm up-up-upset! From n-now on y-you don't t-touch daddy." He stammered. The stuttering being another part of his recovery that he didn't like. Thank god the speech therapist was working with his every day. What the hell had Bronwyn and that damn doctor done to him?

"Oh darling, you don't mean that! ...little Harlan the third loves you… Say _I love you daddy! _He's all happy right now because his mommy is happy!" She said and grabbed his hand, placing it on her belly. "You can't feel him yet but trust me, he's happy!" She grinned then kissed Harlan. I'm gonna go and make us lunch." She got off the bed and put on her robe.

"W-w-what th-the f-f-f-f-fuck!"

...

Bronwyn thought back to that time "I guess he did mean it…" She thought to herself. She hadn't been allowed to touch Harlan in a whole month and a half, ever since that day; her last ride as she calls it. The very night she tried to, he grabbed her hair so tight she thought he'd pull it from her scalp.

"_W-when I s-s-say don't t-touch me, I m-m-mean it b-bitch!"_

What had come over the sweet, gentle man she loved? She wondered, still refusing to see that Harlan was a tyrant who couldn't be changed, although in that moment when he'd pulled her hair she was suddenly taken back to that night that she'd seen Harlan rightfully (in her mind) beat Olivia in the bathroom. She had mistakenly been tricked into feeling sorry for that bitch, thinking that she was somehow undeserving of the treatment she'd received and that her dear Harlan was being unjust.

"And where did it lead me?"

_"What the hell did you say to me woman?" Harlan replied angrily as he turned, skulking toward Bronwyn who backed up a step._

_"I just meant that…I…" she stammered nervously just before he slapped her hard across the face, the strength of the hit knocking her to the floor._

"All for trying to protect that whore...although she got what she deserved!" She thought. Harlan was right for how he'd treated Olivia all those months, Bronwyn had never expected that Olivia would use that scalpel to hurt her husband...good thing that Harlan wouldn't find out that Bronwyn had found it, only to give it back or he'd really make her suffer.

"And he'd be right!" She said, rubbing her now 5 months pregnant belly. She straightened up when the elevator doors opened and looked for the sign that pointed her to obstetrics. Today she'd be having an amnio to make sure the baby didn't inherit her father's Spina Bifida...she'd wish I two weeks that she'd never had that test.

* * *

_2 and ½ months, _he thought. _It's been 2 and ½ months since I woke from that damn coma and been a prisoner in this house!_

Which was virtually true.

"I'm goin fuckin crazy bein in here with just her!" He said, referring to Bronwyn. Ever since he'd regained use of his hands and learned to talk again, they hadn't needed the doctors and nurses, so Bronwyn let them go and he's been basically caged. He understood the dangers of going out but still when he think about it...

Bronwyn kept a housekeeper that came in every day when she couldn't be here to kept an eye on Harlan...not like he could do much, being still confined to a wheelchair but she had to be sure he was safe, but she should've been making sure that the housekeeper was safe! As said earlier, Harlan was a tyrant who couldn't be changed and no amount of anything would undo it. Here he was, a man who'd been laid up for 4 months, six weeks of those in a coma and three weeks of which he lay speechless and motionless. Most people would take it as sign to make some major changes but Harlan wasn't like most people and he merely counted the days until he was well enough to get back to being Harlan.

It took another 5 weeks of hard therapy but suddenly, one day there he was, 5 o'clock in the afternoon after a therapy session. He was lying in bed after being given his shower and his therapists had left for the day when he got the uncontrollable urge to jack off. Now Harlan being the man he is, he'd never satisfy his own self but a needs a need and since there wasn't a woman around to take care of it for him, he threw off his covers, reached his hand down and touched it.

It felt strange to him at first, like it wasn't quite his. He hadn't had the urge to touch it in so long, ever since that bitch… But suddenly he found himself aroused at the thought of Olivia and he began to stroke himself with those thoughts in mind. _Her breasts that were so full and the large nipples; her tight little pussy- well not so tight anymore after putting in three months with him and them...man they fucked her stupid! _He smiled as he kept going.

"I can't wait t-to have you back here!" He said as he continued stroking himself. He was almost home when the housekeeper, Myra, came into the room to him bring him dinner and got an eyeful.

"Oh, dios mio! I sorry, I expect you be-" she started apologizing but Harlan was way ahead of her. Why finish himself off when he had a perfectly good female right there and she wasn't bad looking; nice and petite, long dark hair, brown eyes, gorgeous olive skin just like Olivia's...Why couldn't he get her out of his mind?

"Come here!" He said without even the gentlest tone in his voice. Myra doubted if she should go over but when he said it again, this time with even for ferocity, she knew that she'd better go and slowly, with her heart pounding it's way damn near out of her chest and causing her hands to shake the tray, she made her way to him when everything in her was telling her to run.

"Put the tray down" she did as she was told, sitting the tray on the rollaway bedside table. "I know from my wife that you ain't here legally, is that right?" He said, looking her up and down while still jerking his penis. She wasn't sure where to look with it so...there and she turned her head down.

"Sir, I -"

"Save it. Now, how bout this; I don't tell that you here illegally and you come closer and wrap your lips around my dick...you know, polla?" He grinned. She didn't find it funny, especially when he grabbed her arm when he saw her looking like she wanted to run.

"I don't...por favor"

"Shhhh. What's it gonna be Dora? Immigration, or…" She didn't want to do it but she didnt know what else she could do. Scared and with a ferling of defeat, she had tears in her eyes as she fellated him, him forcing her to take him deep in her throat. She threw up a few times and when she was done he made her clean him and told her to leave the tray. She ran out of there so fast and Harlan ate his dinner with a smile on his face, he was back!

* * *

"Hey...what are you doing here?" Brian said as he opened the door to his apartment; it was too early for this, not even 3 o'clock in the afternoon. Another day off that he spent getting wasted and Munch was taking up serious time.

"I was on my way from seeing Olivia and thought I'd stop by...you look unwell…"

"I caught a little cold…" He quickly cleared his throat to exaggerate the point that he was lying about. Taking a seat, Munch stood looking at him for a second then moved some clutter and took a seat beside him.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm living" he stated flat and took a swig of beer without bothering to look at Munch.

"You call this living?" he said, moving a fried chicken box from beside him.

Suddenly a naked woman appeared from down the hall and parked herself in the archway.

"Brian, baby...I'm cold; why don't you come and warm me?" When he looked and saw her naked body and her seductive smile, he got up and walked over to her.

"Why don't you go and get started for me?" He said and kissed her on the lips while he felt her ass.

"Don't keep me waiting." And she walked off as Munch and Brian watched her until she disappeared.

"You were saying something?" Brian said to John.

"Hard as you might try Brian, drinking and women won't fix it."

"I don't know what you're-"

"You need to go to her."

"You saw how well that worked out last time"

"She made a decision that I'm sure tore her heart out and you basically came in and made her feel worse, if that was possible."

"She's having his baby!"

"You don't think she knows this, or that it's not eating away at her?"

"Then why do it? The Olivia I know...knew would have never even contemplated this, Munch; suddenly she comes back…"

"And we don't know what she's been through, but sometimes love…" he got up from the couch and reached for his hat. "Think about what I said." He said with a pat to Brian's back and left.

* * *

"Tell me again how you think pimento loaf is in any way tasty?" Amanda said.

"It's the baby, I'm craving all sorts of weird stuff" Olivia said, dipping the meat in hot sauce before shoving it in her mouth. "What?" She said chewing.

"It just feels like old times, that's all." Rollins smiled.

"Sometimes I feel like me you know?" She said and slid the plate away from her, looking out on the last bite of pimento loaf plus the large pizza (used to be pizza) with extra cheese and sausage of which Amanda had 1 and ½ slices and she ate 5!

"Other times; most times, not so much." She said and sipped her water.

"It takes time, but you'll get there eventually."

"I told myself that the first time…" she said in a barely audible voice, leaving Amanda shocked by what she believed it implied.

"...you know it's okay to admit-"

"No it's not…to admit that would be admitting that I can't take care of myself and that I let father and son get the drop on me and that's not okay!" she said, rubbing her belly. No matter how much time seemed to pass, Olivia couldn't get past it. "It's not okay." Amanda sat in silence for a moment, swallowing the sadness she felt for her Sergeant and friend.

"You don't have to…"

"How's the new guy working out?" Olivia said suddenly, changing topics.

"Uh, Collins...he's, he's good. Very good!" She said sipping her soda but Olivia got a look of annoyance o her face. "What's wrong?"

"Can you please just talk to me like I'm normal?

"I mean I don't wanna…"

"I think I'll be fine listening to some office gossip"

"Really, cuz Jesus I can fill you in on so-"

"Amanda..." Olivia objected to her bantering, Rollins put a smile on her face but this was tiring!

"Okay, but stop me if you get bored!" She said excitedly, dying to finally be able to tell somebody about Darrell. "I know that I probably shouldn't but I never met anyone before that I wanna...can I say bang? I guess I did; but God, he's just...you should meet him."

"Me? Uh, no, I don't think I'd be…no!"

"Why not? You're still his Sergeant." and Olivia grew quiet for a moment with hearing those words come from Amanda's mouth and tears came to her eyes.

"Is that how you still see me, your Sergeant?" She said as tears spilled down her face and she quickly wiped them away only to have them replaced by more.

"Of course I do. Hey, you've had a setback but that's life right? I couldn't even begin to imagine what you've been through but I know that it won't hold you for long; Liv, you're strong"

"I used to believe that, but now I'm afraid to walk out of my own door…between the flashbacks and nightmares... It's nice that you still think of me that way but the truth is, I'm not her anymore; I haven't been in a long time." She said softly.

Amanda sat silent for a moment and then spoke from her heart "You already are, you just...forgot!" Olivia laughed through her tears in spite of how bad she suddenly felt and Amanda laughed with her. "I know that I sorta flaked out in the beginning; I had a lot of my own stuff to work through but it was never for lack of wanting to… You've been a sister to me and I'm gonna be here. whatever you need, even if it's just an ear."

"If you really wanna help, you could go to that prison and put a bullet in the rest of them and save me a trial!" She half joked.

* * *

"Open your mouth, pussy!" Was what was said to Doc when he put his head down in the pillow to avert noise. Chicago was deep in him, the fourth this time and they just kept getting bigger until by the time Chicago had taken his turn, Doc could feel his asshole ripping and it didn't help that he was charged with sucking the men off, too.

"Open, your fucking mouth!" T-bird reiterated as he grabbed a handful of Doc's hair, forcing the man to open up and take the shit covered penis in front of him while Chicago simultaneously went so deep that Doc cried out as blood seeped out and down his asscrack.

"Please...please!" He cried, the penis still in his mouth.

"What's that?" Chicago asked facetiously, pretending he couldn't make out what Doc was saying with his mouth full but he understood; he understood all too well but he loved to hear Doc begging for mercy and he was calling.

"Oh God please!" He cried as Chicago pummeled away, showing him no mercy. T-bone pulled out after Doc had swallowed his load.

"I bet you sound like yo victim" Chicago said, gave a final thrust when he came and pulled out while Doc cried from relief and the sheer brutality. However, instead of making him clean the blood and feces with his mouth, Chicago grabbed a pillow case and wiped himself clean before stuffing the case in Doc's mouth while T-bone watched the halls and the other two men held Doc in place.

"It's been real nice making you my bitch, but I can't stand yo ass!" He said. Doc was hysterically pleading behind the pillowcase in his mouth it made no difference. Chicago took the broken glass he'd gotten from a friend, nice, big, jagged shards and with Raymond and Charles holding Doc's legs, he nonchalantly shoved the glass into Doc's rectum; the screams it elicited were blood curdling even with the pillowcase absorbing them; Chicago made sure that it was felt to the maximum, shredding Doc's opening with each one before pushing it far up his ass into his gut and slicing along the way.

Doc prayed for death in that moment and his prayers were answered after seven minutes of sheer hell when Raymond and Charles turned him over and Chicago who was big and full of muscles, pounded on his stomach until Doc topped moving and his eyes were just open. No life.

The big white men casually slipped out of Doc's cell after they covered him up and they went about the day as if it were any other, only it was Doc's last.

* * *

**.**

**Lots more to come...lots!**


	32. Coming Around

**Back with a new chapter, 32. I won't take up your time with talk so let's get to it. Enjoy!**

* * *

.

"We found him like this." The warden informed the cops who came into the prison upon hearing about Doc's murder.

"How in the hell?" Arlow said upon looking at the gross, bleeding man or former man, that lay in bed, his face a mask of the horrors he suffered until his last breath. Arlow couldn't help but smile inside at the abhorrence that lay before him while shuddering at the gruesomeness of it.

"...signs of sexual abuse, glass high in the anal cavity...this guy suffered. Looks like an exploded stomach but we'll know more when we autopsy." The coroner said.

"One more thing to tell Sergeant Benson and the wife; maybe this will bring them some peace…" Arlow said.

* * *

"_Goin somewhere, darlin?" Harlan said before he threw her across the room then before she could get up, he grabbed her by the neck and pulled her up. _

"_No, let me go!" She begged._

"_But we ain't even get to the fun part!" He said and kissed her mouth, hard. She tried fighting but her efforts didn't phase him and he pinned her against the wall still grasping her neck and ripped the gown away from her body._

"_Please don't-"_

"_Shut it!" He said before he turned her around so that she was facing the wall and before she could utter another word, he forced himself inside her began thrusting mercilessly, taking her breath with each intrusion._

"_Looky here, we got us a bleeder!" He said and put a finger down to taste her blood. "Every part of you tastes like sunshine!" with an evil laugh as he continued his assault, taking her without mercy until he came, then allowing her to collapse to the floor in tears, blood and semen running down her legs._

"_Look at that; you done gone and messed my dick! I think I'm gon need you to clean it up for me!"_

Her baby's kicking was what pulled her out of the dream and none too soon. She had already broken out into a sweat as she unconsciously fought against the monster in her dream and amidst her hard breathing she struggled with her large belly to sit upright in her bed; suddenly being drawn to a stinging feeling and noticing that her forearm was covered in fresh scratches along with the old bruises, some of which were still in a state of healing.

10:13PM was what the clock said as she sent her hand over her stomach, rubbing soothing circles to calm her baby. "It's okay!" She whispered, more to herself than her baby. "It's okay…they can't hurt you." She uttered again but broke into tears in spite of her reassurances.

"_Liv...you okay in there?" _Elliot called from the other side of the door that was ajar. He had stayed, not wanting to leave her alone after hearing about Doc even though she assured him that she was okay, yet still, he knew even if she couldn't say, she needed someone here and so it wasn't the usual pulling teeth to get her to say yes.

"I'm okay" she lied, wiping her tears. "I just...have to pee!" She said.

_"You sure?"_

"Yeah, I'll be fine." She said, then took a long pause "Hey El?" He stuck his head in the door.

"yeah"

"Will you lay with me?" Her eyes were filled with tears that she couldn't make go away so she stopped trying and he didn't say a word, he simply came over and got in, gently pulling her against him and wrapping her in his arms as she lay against his chest.

"Better?"

"Yeah…" She said, tears running down her face as she cried silently against him. "Better"

* * *

Dr. Lindstrom's office, a week later.

"...I'm trying to feel stronger, and I do with a lot of things but I just...when I'm alone, and it's dark I dream about it…" She wiped her tears and Lindstrom handed her the box of tissues from which she took several. "Harlan mainly… reliving…" She stopped when it became too much to continue and she let her tears flow.

"It's alright."

"It's not…" She said with her head down as she rubbed her stomach. "It's been four months and I just feel like I'm out of control, you know? Doc and Harlan are both gone so I should be…it should bring me peace knowing that they're dead but instead I'm struggling to understand why and nothing makes sense anymore so why should this, I'm just…" She cried.

"You have a lot more to deal with this time around. Multiple assaults; assailants. You're working through these things and also preparing for a baby… One you didn't plan on."

"I still don't know if I made the right decision… I mean would it be the worst thing if I gave her up?"

"Tell me what you're thinking."

"I don't know. I know that I love her but I just don't know if I'm strong enough to do this; in spite of everyone telling me what a great job I'll do, all I keep hearing these last almost 3 months is Brian's voice telling me I can't and he's the one I believe."

"And why do you suppose it is, that you believe him out of everyone?"

"Because part of me still loves him."

* * *

Over at 1PP, Brian was in interrogation of an officer for the last 6 hours when they finally got to the truth out of the guy. Now came the part where legal delegates and such took over, but his part of the job was done and he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

"Hey Cassidy, you in for drinks tonight?" His co-worker, Mike said as he came into his office where Brian was gathering his things to cut out for the day before Tucker gave him something else to do.

"Uh, nah. I'm just gonna go home and relax...next time though." and he continued putting files in his bag.

"What's up man, got some hot ass to get to?"

"No man, come on. Just tired, that's all" which was true.

"Yeah, alright, but I'm gonna hold you to it for next time!"

"Alright man, I promise." He told Mike before he departed. Ever since that day that Munch had come to his apartment over a week ago he's felt drained, like all of his energy was somehow tied up in the reckless way he had been living but when Munch put it on blast it just… Suffice it to say, after the old man leaving, he never did join his paramour in bed, in fact he threw her out with a half promise that he would call her sometime. Well sometime came and went 9 days ago and he hadn't contacted her or any of them, hasn't even had a drink. He's just stayed home and tried to straighten out his head.

_Oh god… Ohhh god… Brian! _He still remembered the way Olivia went crazy the last time they made love; the way she drove him crazy. They had each other going all night long, each completely draining the other and falling asleep in each other's arms and he remembered thinking as he fell asleep, _how could I let her go? _

He wanted them back and if that meant giving her the one thing she had ever asked for, he could live with it, he could more than live with it. He could give her a child; children and he could be happy; he had lived that life long enough of having no cares, maybe it was time. Besides, he remembered a time years ago when that was all he wanted...Olivia and a family but times change and the years turned him into a different person than who he used to be but when he found his way back, it took losing her a second time to make him see but she wanted no part of it so she said; dodged him for a whole week and then their whole world fell apart; worse than Billy. Far worse. And when they'd found her after three months; he thought his prayers had been answered and they were, but god had played a trick because in between her pushing him away, she had a secret that nobody knew and when he finally found out…

"You blew it!" He said as he picked up his bag and coat and turned off the light in his office before closing the door and heading out.

* * *

2 floors up…

"How've you been?" The commissioner asked as Olivia sat down.

"I'm getting there…" she said.

"Well you look good, pregnancy agrees with you!" He smiled.

"Thank you...for the well wishes and flowers too, but to be honest, I don't understand why you wanted to see me." She expressed as she fidgeted with her hands.

"My best SVU detective, I wanted to see how you were coming along."

"I appreciate that but you could've done that by phone...do we have business to attend to about the settlement?"

"No no, nothing like that. The settlement is all clear. Can I get you anything?"

"Just water please. So why am I really here?" He laughed lightly.

"Never did mince words!" He said as he handed her a glass and she thanked him and took a sip. "How would you feel about coming back to work?" He said as he sat down in the chair beside her. She went silent as the water went down wrong and she cleared her throat.

"I… I hadn't really thought about it… Not to say that I hadn't _not _thought about it but I… well I just assumed that when the department gave me that settlement that it was also my walking papers."

"You wouldn't be out working cases; there's your condition and other issues so it would be administrative for the time being but you're too much of an asset both to SVU and to the department and if I can say so, to me. I know what you've been through is...it's beyond horrifying and maybe I'm wrong, maybe the last thing you want is to be anywhere near SVU; but in spite of everything, I don't see that and FYI, you wouldn't be given walking papers unless you requested them."

"Sir, honestly, as good as it is to know; I don't know what I want… I'm pretty much just trying to keep breathing right now."

"I understand and please, don't feel as if you have to answer me now. You've been through it and I want you to take as much time as you feel you need to readjust, even if it's after the baby. But I just wanted to let you know that there's always a place for you here Olivia. Even if it's not at SVU!"

* * *

Elevator…

_Damnit! _Tucker caught him on his way out so there goes his day. _He does this to torture me! _Brian thought as he waited for the elevator to reach the lobby. Another case involving a scumbag cop that has to be looked into right now; like where's the guy gonna go between now and tomorrow morning?

"Douche!" He said in regards to Tucker just as the elevator stopped on the ground floor and he stepped out. _Is that Olivia?_

"Hey, you ready?" Fin said.

"Yeah, can we stop for cinnamon rolls?" He hadn't seen her since that day at the hospital 2 and ½ months ago...she looked good. He wondered what she was doing here.

"Between cinnamon rolls and pimento loaf…" Fin said and laughed.

_She always hated that stuff when we were together. _Brian thought, smiling.

"Blame the baby!" She grinned.

"So what did they want with you?"

"Uh, I'll tell you in the cab." She said and they left while Brian looked on.

* * *

In the Hamptons two days later…

"Would you prefer a turkey, or a duck for thanksgiving?" Bronwyn asked Harlan. She'd almost caught him with the housekeeper when she'd arrived from the city this morning but Harlan was quick and got off a crying Myra and in bed before Bronwyn entered the house, leaving Myra with a load of his semen in her panties and in serious pain with a threat that he'd call immigration if she breathed one word. Scared of what Mr. Lewis would do, she wiped her face and smiled when Mrs. Lewis came through the door. Now he was just thinking what he'd do to her next time when Bronwyn left them alone.

"What?"

"A turkey or a duck? You do know that thanksgiving is a week away; and it's our very first one together as a family. I thought it'd be special for little Harlan!" She said as she rubbed her belly.

"I don't really give a fuckin goddamn just as long as we eat...speakin of eatin, you know what I want?"

"What is that?" She had her attention averted by a stain that was almost under the bed, on the floor.

"What the hell you goin on about?"

"Is that…" She dipped her finger in it to feel, then smelled and tasted it. "This is semen! What on earth is semen doing on the floor of this bedroom Harlan?"

"Watch that damn tone, woman!" He roared and she backed down quickly, suddenly not feeling so bold.

"I'm sorry...I just meant…"

"You just meant to close yer damn mouth is what you meant to do!" He said as he got up in her face. "You damn women are all alike; wanna control every damn thing! Well I told you once, Harlan Lewis cannot be controlled!"

"You're walking?"

"Damn right I am, and ya know what else?"

"Harlan, you're scaring the baby!"

"Fuck this baby! You told me that you were on the pill, how did you get pregnant huh? Whatcha tryna do, compete?"

"I don't…"

"You damn well know what I mean; you had to get one cuz Olivia got one! I told you that that couldn't happen!"

"It was an accident...I thought you'd be happy!" She cried.

"You thought wrong! I want one baby, ONE, and that's Olivia's! That's the baby you s'pose to be raisin; ONE BABY!"

"Would it be so bad to have two?" She said quietly and afraid, rubbing her belly. This only made him angrier and he grabbed her neck, pulling her close so she knew he was serious.

"I'm gonna tell you this one time so I hope you are listenin: I don't care how you do it but I want this little bastard GONE!" He huffed and she was crushed.

"You don't mean that!" she said with tears in her eyes.

"DO I FUCKIN LOOK LIKE I'M KIDDIN? You got one week; one fuckin week to get rid of it!"

"Harlan…"

"One week, understood?" Her heart broke. She didn't want to do what he was asking...said, but what else could she do? Harlan was her everything; what would she do without him? It was with this in mind that even though she loved this baby with all her heart, she gave in to Harlan.

"Understood sir." She said almost silently.

"At a girl" He said and pulled her to him in a smoldering kiss that left her weak in a fit of lust. "How bout you get down an give daddy's dick some attention?" He said as he traced her nipple through her dress and pulled it. She was gone.

"Yes daddy!" Was the last thing she said before she got on her knees and freed him from his pants.

* * *

_She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe through the disgust she felt, waiting for it to end. Harlan's hands were greedily rubbing harshly at her breasts and shoving its fingers deep inside her, twisting hard and she bit her lip to fight back the sob that choked her._

"_Still fightin it baby?" He said, inserting more fingers and pushing deeper. She turned away, trying to take the pain, trying to breathe through it but it was too much and she screamed…_

That's when she woke up on the couch with a start; again with the baby kicking like crazy and she immediately sat up, her eyes full of tears that she quickly wiped away. She was going through something she didn't understand but she knew that she wanted to be left alone. She needed time just to think and of course, everyone thought she'd do better with them around but they understood and stayed away. She'd gone and gotten the amniocentesis done yesterday and she was just afraid of what the test would say. She wasn't a young woman and she didn't know if Harlan… she wanted to not think about him but how wondered if it would ever be possible.

"If only." She thought as there was a knock at the door.

She stood there for a moment after looking through her peephole, genuinely shocked to see him at her door. She hadn't talked to him in almost three months _so why is he here now? _She wondered as she bit her nail, a habit she'd formed during her time with Harlan that she was trying to break.

"Brian, if you've come just to tell me how stupid I'm being, please save it!" She said through the door without opening it. There was a long pause before...

"I didn't… I just; look, can I come in? I feel silly talking to you through a door!"

She stood there a moment, unresponsive.

"Liv?"

Taking a deep breath, she unlocked the door and let him in and though he didn't mean to, his eyes went straight to her belly, staring as she locked the door.

"Is that what you came here for, to gawk at it?" She asked and turned to go into the living room.

"No, I… Liv…" He said, following her. "I'm just...it's weird seeing you after so long and now you're out there… You're really doing this huh?"

"Yeah, I guess I am" she said, again rubbing her stomach to soothe the baby who had again become active when Brian walked in. "Why are you here?" He took a seat at the other end of the couch before he spoke.

"To be honest? I don't know...but I know that the way I left things with you wasn't right and I… I've had some time to think about it; I had no right to say what I said to you" He said teary eyed. "The truth is, I haven't been...look I know that I messed up and I don't blame you if you hate me cuz I deserve it and I know it's not an excuse but…"

She looked down, her hand on her belly, still trying to calm the baby as she chewed her lip. "I'm going to be a mother and it's the most important thing I'll ever do and you made me doubt myself" she said quietly.

"It was the first time that I made a choice that I could be sure of with all of this madness…"

"And I can't tell you enough how bad I feel. Liv I've been drinking myself stupid because I didn't know how to handle this; any of it, and I know that's the last thing you wanna hear but it's the truth. And when I finally thought I could, I come to the hospital and I find out that you're pregnant...it was wrong but it was a shock and I didn't handle it well; but I never meant to hurt you, Liv and I'm so sorry!"

She sat there and didn't say anything. The baby was doing cartwheels in her womb and she was so full of emotion that she just sat there and cried.

"She's not bad. She's my baby and she's not bad or evil or any of the things her father is…"

"I know that now"

"She's my baby and I love her; I love her and I thought about giving her up because you made me doubt that I could be the right thing for her and god I really wish that she'd calm down right now!" She said through her tears. Out of instinct, Brian got down in front of her and reached out, putting his hands on her belly.

"I never should have said what I did. Liv if there's anyone in this world who can love this child, I know it's you. You're gonna be a terrific mom and this kid is lucky; she's blessed to have you and I mean that!" He said as he looked into her eyes.

"You mean that?"

"Yeah, I mean let's face it, you were born to be a mom; you even got that pregnancy glow." He laughed, getting a small smile from Olivia.

"She stopped moving" she said.

"What do ya know; she did huh? I guess i got the magic touch!" He said as he sat with his hands on her belly. They got quiet for a moment, letting the muffled sounds of the city pass between them while they sat staring at each other when she abruptly pushed his hands away and reality snuck in, breaking the spell that had eased over them.

"I should go…" He said as he got up.

"Oh...yeah, I…" She wanted to tell him to that she didn't mean it personally, but she somehow found it harder than letting him leave and so she didn't bother. "Goodnight Brian."

"Goodnight Liv." He said and headed for the door, stopping halfway there. "Can I come by; you know, once in awhile? I know before, you weren't ready and if you're still not then...the truth is I really just need to be near you, I need to know that you're alright!"

"You still care?"

"I haven't been very good when it comes to how I've treated you; whether you know it or not. This thing...look I've had my time being stupid and I want to be here for you if you'll let me." She stood considering his words. Could she afford to let him back in?

* * *

**.**

**Will she? See you all with the next update!**


	33. Understanding & Loss

**I did it, I'm sick as all hell and my head feels like it's gonna explode but I did it. Here's your update...stuff happens. Dick Wolf owns, enjoy!**

* * *

.

"If… I just; I need you to not push me. I don't...I'm sorry."

"Liv it's okay alright? I just, like I said, I wanna be here for you and make sure you're okay. Anything more… I won't push, but I'm hoping that eventually we can go back."

"I don't um...I don't think there is going back, I can't…" she wiped the tears that had come back and Brian felt his heart break. "What he did to me I…" She was crying now, trying to stop her tears but it was no use.

"Olivia…"

"I need you to go"

"I'm not gonna leave you like this."

"I'm fine, I just…" She huffed through her tears before breaking down and throwing herself into his arms. He was taken aback and for a moment just sat there while she cried against him but then unsure of what else to do, he put his arms around her and held her.

"It's okay" he whispered. "It's gonna be okay." All the while thinking how much he'd like to kill the person responsible. Harlan had single handedly broken her. "Liv, what is it?"

When she suddenly stopped and got up from the sofa, he was confused.

"I'm okay, I'm… I just need you to go!" she answered the phone as quickly as it rang. "Hello?"

"You okay, you sound upset?" Elliot didn't like having to call to find out if she was okay, neither did Fin, Nick or Amanda but they tried hard to respect her wishes.

"I'm fine, thanks." And she hung up the phone and turned her attention back to Brian. "I mean it, leave!"

...

"She's fine" Elliot said to the squad.

"Of course she is!" Fin said sarcastically. "We should just go over there!"

"Cuz _that'll _do a world of good. We gotta just let her ride this out!" Amanda said and though that the last thing they wanted to hear, they all knew she was right and just sat there with their heads down, looking disparaged.

"How about we wait another 2 days and if she doesn't call, we go over?" Amaro suggested.

"Good idea" Fin said.

"Oh lord!" Amanda said as she got up and walked away with her coffee cup.

"That's actually a great idea!" Elliot agreed with Fin. They barely noticed that Amanda had left. "I'm gonna get home and take care of a few things"

"Alright man, it's good to see you!" Nick said. He stood up and he and Elliot shook hands.

* * *

"Oh holy fuck!" Bronwyn cried as she plunged it in harder and deeper. "Oh fucking god! Oh God...oh God…" She emitted a long, orgasmic cry as she came and collapsed, face down into the mattress with her ass in the air continuing to pump the magnificent thing in and out of her in spite of the fact that it was now drenched in her cum and blood.

Harlan still wouldn't fuck her even after he'd made his request and gotten a blowjob from her in return for her suffering. Tonight, again she turned to her trusty friend; a 12 incher that was extremely thick- too thick for her delicate parts, but she had a lot of angst to work out and though she sent the thing crashing against her cervix more than a few times, she was giving it the ride of her life!

Later, after fucking herself to five orgasms, she came down from her last one, knowing she couldn't take more and rolled over on her back fully satiated and lay awake in the dark listening to the sounds of the ocean. She hadn't managed to sleep much since Harlan demanded that she get rid of the baby yesterday…_ How could he ask such a thing of me? _She wondered. _This is our son...of course he's only concerned with Olivia's baby…_

"God, he has to see…" She said as she reached down and put a hand to her still small bump. She was a hefty woman and so she didn't even appear pregnant to anyone who didn't know, but there her baby was and she caressed her belly.

"Your daddy loves you; he just doesn't…" _Don't talk to it, you'll only get more attached. _"But would it really be so bad?" _William could have a brother, they could grow up together just like I planned; twins! _She couldn't do what he wanted.

"How about you and mommy play a game for a little while? You stay hidden for a while longer while I convince daddy to let you stay!" It was all she could think of but it was worth a shot.

"What's that? You want ice cream?" She said… "Well okay, but not too much!" She giggled as she got out of her bed naked and the dildo fell out of her and onto the floor as she put on her short robe.

"Forgot that was in there!" She said and didn't bother to pick it up and continued to make her way out of the bedroom.

...

In Harlan's room…

"Just you wait…" He said, looking at a picture of Olivia. Bronwyn had been providing him pictures of her and this latest one was just three days ago as she was leaving the cinnabon with Fin, eating a cinnamon bun. He looked at her, at the icing dripping down her lip and he got even angrier while at the same time, getting insanely turned on thinking about what he did to her and what he'd like to do to her now that she was so swollen with his son… Or so he thought.

"You and that damn scalpel… Thought you had me. But I survived, you bitch! You hear me? I survived!" He went and stepped closer the picture, staring at it and touching her bump.

"Not only did I live, but my dick lived; you thought I fucked you before? I'm gonna beat you, and I'm gonna fuck you til you die this time baby!" He said as Bronwyn passed his room on her way to the kitchen.

"So that's what this is? Everything is about that fucking woman! She's the reason you want to get rid of our baby!"She came screaming into the room, her robe untied and mad as hell.

"What the hell, you spyin on me?" He said as he stalked closer to her.

"Is she she the rea-" before she could get the words out, he had secured a hand around her throat and was squeezing hard as he backed her into a wall, quite easily for a woman of her size.

"I thought we settled this! Now I told you once to get rid of this bastard so why we still talkin bout it?" but she couldn't answer because he was choking her so hard and she was begging for air. "I can't hear you; oh, you're jealous? I think I you need to be taught, and lesson 1 is: Jealousy don't cut it!"

When his fist punched her in the face, he let her fall to the floor in a daze, trying to recover her air while her face throbbed in absolute pain.

"I didn't mean-" He delivered a swift kick to her stomach then snatched her up as she begged for their baby, again by the neck, but this time he turned her around, her face pressed into the wall and he ripped her robe off her back "Harlan please…" she screamed.

"Looks like you already been working here...thank god for assholes!" he snarled before he shoved his penis into her hole and she screamed in pain. "Shut up bitch!" And he started thrusting hard while he held his hand over her mouth to cover her screams but it did no good, she couldn't stop and cried as she screamed while Harlan went about having fun.

"Music to my ears!"

...

By the time Harlan had finished, Bronwyn was in a world of pain from the fucking she'd just endured and lay on her side, crying in the bathtub of her bathroom.

"He didn't mean it...he didn't…" she was overcome by tears and sobbed as she held her stomach. She had been bleeding heavily since the attack stopped and she was sure that she was losing the baby.

"I can't lose you!" She cried to herself and her baby but it was already too late and she knew it. Harlan would never get the chance to have that bitch, he would never…

"She will die before he ever gets the chance!" she swore!

* * *

"Look at this…" Nick whispered across his desk to Amanda. He was doing personal tasks on the work computer and had to keep it quiet.

"Look at what?" She said without looking at him and instead at the paperwork in front of her. She was trying to get all of the fives that she'd been skipping, done before Thanksgiving and with just a few days to go, she could finally see some promise.

"Been doing a little research on Bronwyn…"

"That's usually my area" Another one down that she quickly put into the _outbox_ and started the next. Nick smiled before he continued.

"I know but since you've been so busy with that paperwork…"

"Don't remind me"

"Anyway, check this out. Did you know that Bronwyn was adopted?"

"Uh, no I didn't...boy, her parents must be regretting that decision!"

"Well, they're dead now thank god; I mean living to see the mess she's become...I wouldn't wanna be known!"

"Tell me about it."

"Oh but that's not all, says here that her parents were some society types…apparently she was their only child…"

"Wait…" She said as she came around to his desk "how come none of this about the adoption was ever in her record? I went over that nutjob back and forth when we were looking for Liv and I never found any of this."

"Because she's going to trial soon and suddenly she's interesting. The Ledger just published this piece today…"

"The ledger? Come on…"

"Hey, they're sensationalists but they don't lie!"

"Okay, so say she is adopted...where did she come from?"

"That's what I want to know and that's what I'm gonna find out!" Suddenly, Collins entered and Amanda went stiff.

"Hi Darrell!" She waved, immediately feeling like an idiot. Nick just laughed to himself. She was gone.

* * *

Brian sat at a bar that night trying hard to calm the noise in his head. He couldn't believe that Olivia was this messed up so many months after what had happened to her. _Four months and she's still so fragile! _He thought. _But she looked to be so much better that day at 1PP and now…_ He picked up his beer and took a small sip; he had been doing that the whole night, 3 hours and he'd play pool and sip at the same beer that wasn't even halfway finished. His mind was just in a place that drinking wouldn't help.

"Hi" She said softly, he looked up to see a gorgeous blonde standing on front of him. Though his mind was full of Olivia, he was very attracted to what he saw in front of him; her jeans cut low on her hips, her shirt cut high, and the most gorgeous tits, without a bra, straining through the fabric. He could see every detail including her nipple ring and suddenly he was more concerned with whether or not it matched the one in her navel.

"Hey!" He said with a smile on this face. Maybe he could put Olivia on chill for just a moment. _Did I just say that? ...did I just say __**that? **_

"I'm Bambi"

_Of course you are! _"Brian"

"Hi Brian. I don't usually do this but I couldn't help but notice that you were alone and I thought you could use some company!"

"Did you now?"

"I did!" She smiled and tucked a loose lock behind her ear as she sat beside him, giving him an awesome view of her chest.

"Tell me Brandi"

"Bambi!"

"Bambi! What would do you think could be the thing to quell my needing some company?"

"I was thinking we could have a couple drinks and then you could take me back to your place and fuck me to your content till sun up!" She said as she got closer and reached beneath the table to cup his balls.

* * *

That night, Olivia never got to sleep. She lay awake all night and when early morning came, she had spent most of the night in tears. So much was on her mind. She had been working so hard to deal with the rapes but then with being offered to come back to the NYPD, she got home to think about it and her mind was deluged with so many memories of the time she had been held captive and brutalized over the spring and summer and she wondered why the commissioner had even bothered asking her. She was damaged goods and she suddenly was forced to see it and that's what started her funk. After her doctor's appointment where she had the amnio test done the next day, she was so depressed that she just asked Fin and everyone to leave her alone and it was fine until Brian came over yesterday.

She would never be able to look out for anyone, she was barely holding on for this baby and even less for herself and as she looked out the window, she thought how easy it would be to just undo it and fall. She and the baby would just go away and then they wouldn't be anyone's problem.

"Look at my life!" She cried as she held her stomach, feeling her daughter kicking as her tears flowed. "How can I take care of you?"

_You listen to me whore!" he spat as he angrily snatched her face back to face him "rule two: you don't EVER turn away from me! I touch you how I want, when I want you understand me?" he yelled._

_"I hope it's painful" she said as she looked him in the eye_

_"What's that darlin?"_

_"...your death when they find you!"_

_"Oh, you like to talk about death huh? Well let's do that!" he said and pinched her nose shut with his thumb and forefinger while clamping the rest of his palm over her mouth. "see the difference between me and you is you fear the reaper while I invite him to dance" he taunted as she struggled to breathe beneath him but he only pushed his hand tighter against her mouth while she thrashed beneath him desperate for air._

_"Same thing I always told my boy…embrace death, once you do you have no fear. And when you ain't got fear in the way, that's when you really start livin…" he continued chatting away as if there weren't a suffocating woman beneath his hand and Olivia was desperate at this point, thrashing violently and pulling at her restraints. She was getting weaker, her vision was fading and she was lightheaded but Harlan just continued talking then just when everything had started to go black…_

_"Well ain't your face just the prettiest shade of blue?" he laughed before he removed his hand, leaving her gasping hard to take in the air her lungs craved. "You know on second thought, who needs rest when just watchin you get all feisty got me ready to go again!"_

_"No…" she begged. The pain between her legs already had her feeling as if she'd literally been torn apart "Please, I can't"_

_"Well, you're gunna" he undid his pants again and leaned over her, kissing her hard on the lips "My god that's a sweet mouth! I'll be sure to put it to use later" he never saw the head-butt coming and within a split second he was screaming, cradling his broken nose as it gushed blood everywhere._

_"...he was on her beating her mercilessly with a barrage of sharp blows to her face while screaming profanities as his blood dripped all over the nightgown she wore. But she refused to give him the satisfaction of her screams this time._

_"Now we get to have real fun and I won't be so gentle this time!" he said menacingly and began tearing her gown away from her body then reached to undo her right arm and leg, freeing them from their restraints so that he could turn her over onto her stomach. She was no match for his strength and he soon had her face down, pinning her by the neck then forced himself inside her from behind while she squeezed her eyes shut and bit down on her split lip, trying to withstand this new assault on her already bruised insides._

"Why didn't I die in that room?" she asked herself.

"Because you weren't supposed to…" She heard a voice say, but she closed her eyes, recognizing the familiarity of it. She decided that this wasn't happening; not today.

"Please…" She said quietly in a whisper, without turning around. "I don't need this."

"I think you do" She heard sealview Olivia say.

"I don't really care for what you think. Leave."

"And let you use yourself as a kite out that window? I don't think so."

Olivia gave a snarl as she put her hand to her back while the other rubbed her belly. The baby was enjoying a kicking spree and Olivia felt it in her back and just wished it would stop.

"It gets better." Sealview said to Olivia from where she stood at the window but she just cried.

"This doesn't." Olivia said quietly. Sealview was about to speak when there was a knock at the door, Olivia wiped her eyes and looked at the clock, it was 6 in the morning, who was there so early?

She slowly made her way to the door, again stopping to wipe her tears before she looked through the peephole.

"Brian please, go away!" She said without opening the door.

"Liv, I just wanna see if you're alright!" When there was no answer from the other side, he waited then called again "...Olivia?" when he heard the door being unlocked, he smiled, feeling pleased with himself except when the door opened, it didn't really open since the chain was on the door and his smile quickly faded.

"You see me, I'm fine. Now GO AWAY!" and before he could say a word she'd slammed the door in his face and locked it up again.

"Damnit!" He mumbled under his breath.

...

Later that night and Olivia sat in her apartment and contemplated what an improvement it would be to everybody if she were out of the way and always as usual, her baby began kicking up a storm as if to let her know how wrong she was. She quietly began rubbing her belly to calm the baby, tears in her eyes. She didn't understand, no one did, she felt. And as she sat there, trying to soothe her daughter, her mind began drifting again.

_Upstairs, as her eyes grew heavy with sleep pulling her into its merciful embrace, Olivia couldn't help replaying the voice she heard calling to her as she lay on the floor hours ago, attempting to bring about her own death; the same voice she'd continued hearing even after falling unconscious, Elliot's voice. It had given her comfort even in her darkest moment when she'd wanted nothing more than to slip away but at the same time, there was terrible sadness at knowing that he was gone, that they were gone, that everything they had like everything she'd ever had, had become nothing more than painful memories. It was the reason that she hadn't tried to save herself after what she'd done, to what end? Even feeling that sliver of comfort as she lay bleeding out, if she'd tried going back it would serve her no purpose in life. The voice that had been a figment of her imagination near death would never again offer her that comfort in life. He would never again tell her that things would be alright with such conviction that she'd believe it with her soul! She'd never again feel his arms hold her close and make her feel the peace that only he could, so why live?_

By the time she came out of it, she was crying.

"You don't have to go this alone." Beach house said as she and Sealview put their arms around her.

...

At Elliot's, he was on the couch with a pizza and a beer enjoying the game when his phone rang.

"Stabler"

"..." All he heard were what sounded like sobs.

"Hello?"

"El…"

"Liv, honey, what's wrong?" He said, getting up and looking for his keys.

"I can't do this!" it came out through her tears "I can't...I need you!"

"I'm on my way." He said and immediately grabbed his keys upon finding them and left the apartment, making sure to keep her on the line the ride there. Hearing her crying tore at his heart and when he finally got to her place, she threw herself into his arms sobbing most of the night until she fell asleep in his arms.

* * *

Two days later...

"We know that you were in town Tuesday…" Darrell said to the perp they had been grilling for the last hour. He'd climbed in window and raped a 6 year old and her 9 year old sister as well as their babysitter then leaving them tied up and in the six and nine year olds cases, bleeding. Now, in the hour since he'd been here, he hadn't said much of anything but Darrell and Nick were not letting it go so easy.

"What? No...you must be mistaken, I was in Boston up until this morning" The perp, Jason Caris, denied.

"Oh yeah, see we got 3 witnesses that saw you coming out of the building that night, right after you raped those girls and all three just picked you out of a lineup…" Nick said.

"No, see, I was in Jersey that night!"

"I thought you said Boston…" Darrell had caught him in another lie.

"I meant Jersey… Boston!"

"And I should mention that we got your DNA, smartass…"

Out in the hall, Amanda stood watching with Fin and Rafael through the mirror.

"Looks like we got him." Barba said.

"Did you doubt that we would?" Fin asked.

"I gotta get to court but make this stick, please!"

"It'll stick!" Amanda said as she and Fin walked him out.

"Just make sure!" He said before he answered his phone. "Barba…" They heard as he exited and Nick and Darrell came out of the interrogation looking very upset!

"Don't tell me…" Fin started

"He asked for a lawyer!" Collins huffed as he took a seat at his desk and picked up his rubik's cube, stressfully twisting it.

"So what now?" Rollins asked as she looked at Collins. _God I wish I were that cube...just look at those big, strong hands; I bet they'd feel so good on my…_

"Now we get the scumbag a lawyer and we wait!" Nick said.

"Yeah well, y'all do that and I'm gonna go see Liv. Call me if you need me!" He said and grabbed his coat, heading out.

"I'm gonna call legal aid." Nick said, picking up his desk phone and dialing. Amanda went over to the coffee machine to make a cup and was in the refrigerator getting milk when Darrell came over fumbling with his Rubik's cube.

"So...I've been hearing so much about this Olivia but I haven't met her…"

"She's uh…" She laughed uncomfortably "it's complicated...but you didn't come over here to talk about Olivia?"

"Busted...I wanted uh, I wanted a cup of coffee…" he lost his nerve.

"You wanted a...oh, I...okay. I could make you one I guess" she turned around, confused to face the coffeemaker and took down his mug.

"Amanda wait...I didn't…" he took a deep breath. "Look, this...I don't know, I've been debating whether or not this is even the right thing, I mean I've never dated a colleague; not that we're dating I just meant that…"

"That…"

"My mother is gonna kill me but, look, I like you alright? I liked you from the day I walked in here"

"You did?" She said with a smile on her face.

"I just...I don't even know if you're into black guys but I'd be crazy if I didn't at least ask; would you…"

"Yes!" She didn't wait for him to finish his question. She had been thinking of him for months and she was not letting this get away from her.

"I didn't fini-"

"Yes, I would love to go out with you!"

"You don't waste time!" He smiled.

"Not when it's somethin I want...I mean, not that I want...well I do but...oh gosh!" She blushed as she tried to fight her embarrassment and looked in the only safe direction; down. Darrell stood there trying not to laugh and instead took her hand.

"Why don't I pick you up at say...7:30?" She looked up at him and smiled.

"Okay...yeah, I…"

"Okay. I should get back to work but I'll see you tonight!" He said and walked off, leaving her standing there with a huge smile on her face. _Maybe I'll get to feel those hands after all!_

* * *

"She doin any better?" Fin asked

"Depends on what you call better. With that and everything else, she's definitely not doing good." Elliot said. "She's been a mess now for the past three days and I don't know man, I thought she was moving in the right direction as far as getting better but she's not."

"I know, just a few days ago she seemed…"

"And now it's just…I don't know what to do for her."

"Give her time. You gotta remind yourself of what she's dealing with… I'm gonna look in on her." He said, patting Elliot's shoulder before he made his way back.

...

He got to the bedroom to find Olivia standing by the window. She was looking out absently while she rubbed her bump. Fin stood there in the doorway, watching her for a brief moment just feeling sadness to see her in such a state. She looked extremely nervous and he could tell that she hadn't slept. Elliot had told him how she'd slowly been slipping backwards these last few days, but to see it in front of him.

"Liv…" Fin said with a slight knock so as not to scare her but having failed when she gave a jump, obviously startled and a small yelp escaped her as she turned around. "Oh God, Liv, I'm sorry!" he said just as Elliot came running in.

"Is everything…" Elliot came running from the kitchen, nervously.

"No, I scared her! Liv, are you okay?" He said, walking over to her.

"Fin I'm okay. Elliot, you didn't need to rush back here!"

"I heard you scream"

"I didn't scream."

"Miniature..."

"Could you both leave me alone? I'm tired." She said, making her way to the bathroom, holding the underside of her belly. When she got there she shut the door and Fin and Elliot just stood there in the bedroom looking at each other.

"Beer?" Elliot offered.

"Yeah."

* * *

In the her apartment, Bronwyn lay in her room with the lights out but she wasn't sleeping. After coming to the hospital and being given a sonogram that confirmed her baby was no longer, she was given a drug to bring on labor and at 4:14 this morning, she delivered a son that weighed in at just 10 ounces. Anxious to leave the hospital afterwards, she signed herself out this morning and closed herself off in her apartment. Now, late at night, she lay there in her bed, curled up with her baby in a jar and crying for the life that will never be and blaming Olivia for it.

"I'll make her pay; I swear I'll make her pay!" She cried and held her baby closer. "It won't be in vain Harlan Carlton, I'll make your death count!"

* * *

**.**

**No, unfortunately Bronwyn has no sense and it'll spell trouble for Olivia while Harlan's evil ass… You'll see! But on a lighter note, how cute are Amanda and Darrell?**


	34. New Light

**Chapter 34, and not much to say except…no, just read.**

* * *

.

***Chapter contains rape***

Following Thanksgiving, Olivia had been fighting sickness all day, nausea, and a particularly brutal bout of it and after throwing up back and forth, the whole day she was weak and confined to bed, much against her wishes.

"Here you go…" Fin sat the mug of tea down beside her on the nightstand and she reached for it from where she sat in bed. "Careful, it's hot!"

"Thank you Fin." She said as she took a sip and sat it back down.

"No problem. How you feelin?" He said with a hand to her head, checking for fever.

"I'm okay, I don't have a fever" she laughed, brushing off his hand "I just wish the nausea would stop."

"I'm sorry baby girl, hey, are you sure you don't wanna go to the doctor?" He said, touching her belly.

"No, no El called her earlier, I'm not having any pain or fever and I'm staying hydrated as much as I can so I'm good. I'm glad you're here."

"Me too."

"Stay with me a while?"

"Anything for you!" He climbed into the bed with her and she snuggled into him while he held her protectively.

* * *

Three days later...

"Kathy… Why do you have to make this hard? I… no… Because I'm his father, that's why!" Elliot slid his hand down his face and dropped the phone from his ear, sighing loudly. God how he wanted to scream at this woman but he was in Olivia's apartment and knew that Olivia would probably revert even more if she heard him shouting.

"Kathy… Kathy… Your husband is not his...hello?" Kathy had hung up, leaving Elliot furious. He dialed her back and was met with voicemail that he hung up on, put the phone in his back pocket and threw his fist into the kitchen counter, breathing hard as he stood there beyond mad.

"El?" Olivia said. He looked to his right and she was standing there in her pajamas, scratching her stomach. "You okay?" She asked in a low voice.

"Yeah… What are you doing up? You should be resting."

"I'm fine, and I'm hungry." she said as she went into the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Plus, have you tried carrying one of these? I have to pee like every 10 minutes!"

"You sound more like yourself than you have the last week." He noticed. She closed the refrigerator, carrying a tub of strawberries and a package of pimento loaf to the couch and sitting down, propping her feet up.

"It comes and goes...and I feel like I'm crazy or bipolar." She said as she ate a strawberry.

"You're not crazy or bipolar" He said, sitting on the arm of the couch.

"So I didn't imagine you whisper-screaming at Kathy?" she said and bit into another berry that she wrapped in pimento loaf.

"That loud, huh?"

"Pretty loud, yeah."

"It's nothing for you to worry about, Kathy is just...she's not over me leaving and she's making things hard with Eli. I'm sorry, you don't need to hear about my issues."

"Elliot it's fine; it gives me something to think about other than…" He smiles.

"How is the little one?" He asked, rubbing her belly. For a moment she imagined that the baby had been conceived under much different circumstances; loving circumstances.

_"Hmm, would ya look at that!" Harlan exclaimed as he held the test up for her to see "Mission accomplished!" she didn't allow a response because she just knew in my heart that fate wouldn't so cruel, even in spite of knowing that yes, it was EXACTLY that cruel..._

She quickly caught herself and turned her attention back to Elliot, staring at him. "She's fine." She said suddenly and continued eating.

"Where'd you go?"

"Just..." He watched her for a minute before she gave up and instead gave a smile.

"You're a lot stronger than you know Liv. Just the fact that you called and asked me for help...you're gonna be okay; you just gotta trust it!"

"It's more than just about me, El, I'm having this baby and it scares the hell out of me and the closer I come to actually giving birth to her; the bigger she gets, it just makes it more real and I'm terrified."

"Liv, if you could see what I see...you are gonna be an incredible mom to this little girl."

"And what if I'm not? What if I screw her up worse than I am?"

"And what if you do great? Your mother didn't have a choice in her fate Liv but you do and you know what I've seen these last couple months? I've seen a woman who's been through hell but is determined to work through it and not let it hold her back; even resigning herself to raising the child that resulted from it. You could've chosen different but here you are, you're carrying this child, you're doing everything to make sure that she has a good life because you already love her...you're gonna be fine." He said as he rubbed her stomach, Olivia had tears in her eyes and before she could say anything, the doorbell rang. Elliot leaned in and planted a lingering kiss to her forehead before he got up. Opening the door, he was beyond surprised to see Brian standing there. Olivia hadn't told him that he'd been by recently so Elliot didn't relish seeing him, not at all.

"Hey… I came to see Liv. She in?"

Elliot stood there, looking at him.

"Hello?" Brian said

"Uh…" he looked back at Olivia who had gotten up and was now in the kitchen drinking water.

"It's okay Elliot." She said, her voice unsure. Elliot turned back around to face Brian and stared again at him for a long moment before he listened to Olivia and invited him inside but by then, Brian had already pushed his way in and was looking at Elliot, annoyance all over his face.

"Come on in" Elliot said sarcastically, already wishing that Liv wasn't here so he could teach Brian some manners.

"Could you give us a minute?" Brian asked. Elliot turned his head with a smile on his face when…

"El, please. It's okay." Olivia assured him. Also, she noticed the look on his face and wanted to avoid the confrontation that would come if she didn't speak up.

"Yeah. I'm gonna go and get us some coffee...decaf for you. Sit until I get back."

"El…"

"I mean it"

"Fine, just please don't forget…"

"Pastry." They both smiled. "I'll be RIGHT BACK!" He said, watching Brian as he grabbed his coat and left the apartment.

"What an ass!"

"Brian"

"I'm sorry…" He took off his coat and put it on the back of the stool. "You look better."

"I feel better, thank you"

"How was your Thanksgiving?"

"Fine...everybody came over so I wouldn't be alone but I just wanted them to go." She said and took a long sip of her water. "I um, I was hoping you'd come back, I wanted to apologize."

"For kicking me out?"

"I wasn't exactly myself." She said.

"Hey, it's forgotten…I get it."

* * *

Like she had been every day since the miscarriage a week ago. She sat with her arms around the jar that held her little boy and thinking about revenge.

_God he's so beautiful! _She thought, looking at the tiny human, his body adrift in a sea of formaldehyde; his umbilical cord floating around his body. _It's all her fault! _She thought. _She's the reason that everything went wrong, the reason that you had to…_

"No." She said, putting him on the windowsill and opening the drapes so that the baby could have the morning light. "Goodness and light. Those are the only things that you'll ever know...goodness and light!"

"Don't you worry my boy, soon I'll get her here...your baby brother; you two are one spirit now. You live within him…" _I just have to find a way to get the bitch when she's alone; then I'll get my baby and do away with her. _"She won't be an issue and your father; he'll love me; he'll love us and we'll be happy...finally the four of us will be happy!"

* * *

As he came over and handed her a mug of tea, he picked up a piece of pimento loaf before he sat in the armchair. Olivia stopped and stared at him then at her stomach.

"Thank you."

"No problem!" He said as he popped it into his mouth.

"I'd forgotten you like that stuff… I can't stop craving it.

"Almost like there's a little Brianette in there!" He gave a laugh and helped himself to another piece, a moment going by before the realization hit him. "Liv...I; have you...thought about this baby?" He asked, struggling for words.

"Brian, I can't do this w-"

"No, no I mean have you..._thought_ about this baby. Like...is there a possibility that…" He said and ran a hand through his shortly cropped hair. He couldn't believe he was even saying this but a part of him had to wonder and that that part of him had to know. "Could she be mine?!"

"What are you talking about? Because I'm craving pimento loaf?"

"I just...Liv, we made love the week before he took you..." she had a look of shock about her for a moment but then it just as quickly disappeared.

"I don't want to talk about this!" she said, almost in a whisper, getting up from the sofa and making her way to the kitchen where she began scrubbing the countertop.

"What? Why? I just told you…"

"I know what you told me!"

"Then what…?"

"Let's be real Brian, I'm not that lucky" she rubbed her belly when she felt a pain creeping up but counted on it to pass.

"But she could be"

"It was a week! 5 whole days and it happened once against the...I don't even know how many times he-"

"But what if she is?"

"Don't okay?"

"Don't what?"

"Don't get me wanting this, don't give me hope!" Tears were running down her face and she quickly wiped them away. "Can you leave?" She said quietly, turning to go to to the door to let him out and when he realized it, he followed.

"Liv"

"Brian please!"

"What the hell?"

"What the hell?" She stopped to turn around, tears still in her eyes. "You come in here telling me that this baby could be yours; how do you expect me to react to that? I've spent months trying to process this and finally accept that this is happening, that his baby is growing inside me and you just randomly come and "oh guess what, there's a small possibility that she isn't his because of a craving!" What am I supposed to do with that Brian? I can't…" she stopped to close her eyes, rubbing the underside of her belly and taking deep breaths. She was obviously in pain and Brian quickly began to panic.

"Babe..." he called as he took her hand and supported her back with his free hand. "Liv, what is it?"

"Something's wrong I...ahhh!" she cried leaning over. "Oh god, it hurts!"

"Okay...okay, don't panic!" He said even though inside, he was jello. "My car is downstairs, the hospital is just a few blocks...let's get your coat and go!"

* * *

Since that day he'd raped and beaten Bronwyn and caused her miscarriage last week, Harlan had decided that he'd be better off having the east wing of the house to himself and didn't bother to discuss it with Bronwyn. When she got back to the house the day before thanksgiving she was surprised to see that he had picked up and moved to the other end of the house. He told her it was so he could "focus better" and she, although she felt some kind of way; shouldn't a man and his wife share space? She didn't put up a fight and allowed it, choosing instead to go to her room, hold her baby and cry over its loss.

This was fine with Harlan, he didn't want to be bothered with her anyway. What the hell was wrong with her, carrying around a dead baby? Bronwyn was a headcase, this he knew and he couldn't wait until things were in a place where he could get rid of her. For now he needed her to be his eyes and ears but soon…

While she sat in her room locked up with that baby, _little pickled fuck _as Harlan referred to him, he was in his room abusing the maid.

"Oh, that's it baby. Give it to daddy!" He growled. Acting as if she'd chosen to be here, in this house, in this room with him. He was hurting her and she could do nothing but endure it and pray like Olivia did every day, that it would end.

As he'd gotten better, his sickening lust for sex got sicker and he spared her nothing as right now he pulled the nipples on her small breasts so taut that she felt like they would rip off, all while he fucked her showing her ass no mercy, ramming himself in and out while she cried.

"Oh yeah...ohhhhh shit!" He yelled as he came hard into her anal cavity, releasing every drop into her before he pulled out, his penis covered in blood with his semen and she just curled up, her once virgin asshole torn to shreds and burning while it continued to leak.

"Clean me off!" He barked as he grabbed her hair and swung her to the floor. "And don't you miss one drop, comprende?"

"Please s-" He delivered a slap to her face so hard that it knocked her over and as she lay there on the floor, he remembered another time he'd had the pleasure of setting another bitch straight.

"_Suck it bitch!" He'd pulled her from the bed after he'd spent hours raping and abusing her. She was barely coherent at this point, on her knees, naked, bruised and bleeding yet still she denied him. "Suck it nice and good...clean it off!" He said, holding her tightly by the hair._

"_No!" It was weak and barely there but it was there and it infuriated him. Who the hell was she to refuse him? He thought as he delivered a crushing slap to her that sent her sprawling to the floor. He immediately got down and choked her, punching her hard in the face. She cried for help but who would hear her? Stupid bitch._

"_Nobody can hear you dumb cunt! And you are gon have to learn not to refuse me!" He said as he turned her over so she was face down and he held her there on the floor._

"_No god, please…" She cried. She couldn't take more of him but that was exactly what her punishment was as he tore into her anus amidst her cries and faint screams. _

"_I told you once...God ain't here baby!" _

What he wouldn't give to have Olivia right here, right now. it made his dick hard just thinking about it… "You heard me whore, clean it off! Limp apagado!" He said in his very broken Spanish. He'd grown tired of waiting for Myra to get up from where she lay on the floor and went to grab her hair, only when he did, he pulled her head up to see that she had torn her right temple open on the foot of the bed and blood was gushing out of her, quickly covering her naked body.

"God damnit!"

* * *

At the precinct, Amanda was coming from the ladies room when Darrell snaked his arms around her and pulled her into the nearest interrogation room and into the corner, out of view of the window and slowly leaned in to kiss her. The kiss started out sweet; the two of them laughing playfully but then quickly enough turning into a passionate one, her hands in his hair and his on her body and continuing until they needed to break for air.

"Hi…"

"I am now!" She said as he laughed. He kissed her again, pecking her on the lips.

"So I was thinking, how about we have dinner at my place tonight?" he suggested.

"I think that'd be great. Can I bring anything?"

"Just you; and your sexy!" She smiled, licking her lip before she leaned into him. "So tonight… _I_ was thinking... I think we've waited long enough and I…"

"Do you realize that I would make love to you here and now if it weren't the middle of a work day? Tonight I'm gonna…" He started and bit his lip. "You make me crazy, Amanda, and tonight I wanna show you just how much!" he said as he leaned down and kissed her.

_God his kiss makes me weak! _She thought while simultaneously thinking about tonight and she was absolutely drenched! She was surprised to feel his erection rising in his pants and even more shocked at how big he felt.

"I think we'd better…"

"Yeah...I'm gonna..." She said with a grin on her face to match his.

"Okay...7?"

"I'll be there" She said and kissed him.

"Go!" He laughed as she went out the door. Back in the squadroom, Fin was just hanging up from a call.

"Hey Manda, we gotta go. Victim down by Columbus Circle."

"Uh…" She said, looking over at Collins who had just come in from the back. He looked at her and she had to fight to keep the smile off her face which didn't go unnoticed by Fin.

"You know what? I'm gonna take Collins with me" Collins head spun around quickly.

"You are?" Darrell said.

"Yep, let's go!" He grabbed his coat as he looked back at Amanda, then disappeared out the door while Amanda laughed. She was heading to the coffee machine when Nick came in.

"Hey Rollins, just the person I was looking for" He said as he came over to the coffee machine.

"Whats up?"

"You are not gonna believe this!"

* * *

"What are we supposed to do with her?" Bronwyn asked, staring at the young, naked dead woman on Harlan's floor. Her eyes were open and the blood had pretty much seeped through the twenty thousand dollar rug that sat in the middle of the spacious room. She looked ghastly as Bronwyn ogled her.

"Bury her...unless you wanna burn down the house!" Harlan suggested.

"How could you do this to me? I just lose our beloved and you're off fucking the help while I'm mourning?"

"You been mourning enough! I'm sicka that lil shit takin all the goddamn attention. HE'S DEAD! Why don't you try livin in the real world, with real shit instead of bringin his ass to thanksgivin dinner an watchin us eat? Now we got ta bury this bitch an you sitting around cryin ain't gon get er done!" He again growled, grabbing her hair."

"You're right...I'm sorry."

"Damn right you are!"

"We'll bury her in the greenhouse...nobody goes there but me" she said fighting tears. "I'll take care of it once it's dark." Her voice was shaky and he still had her hair in his grip, looking at her like the devil.

"How much longer till you get her back here?" She knew that he meant Olivia and her blood burned just thinking of her.

"I'm trying sir…soon." She said calmly but raging inside.

"I hope I ain't gotta put you in line again girl!"

"No sir."

"Good. It be a shame to beat you right off a miscarriage!" And he let her go and walked off, leaving her to clean his mess.

* * *

"What the hell happened?" Elliot said as he got off the elevator and came toward Brian.

"I don't know alright? One minute we were talking and the next, she was in pain!"

"She was fine when I left, what the hell did you do?"

"You ass! I didn't do anything…" He said as the doctor came out.

"Doc; what's going on?" Elliot asked.

"Is it premature labor?" Brian piped in.

"She's having braxton-hicks contractions"

"What is that; those? Brian asked.

"False labor" Elliot said, brushing Brian off and focusing on the doctor. "She said she was in pain when she called me; what is that? I mean, I knew she'd been nauseous for a couple days but there was no pain...I told her she should take it easy like you said; she's just really…"

"You knew about this?" Brian said, angry. Elliot ignored him and continued talking to the doctor.

"There's nothing you could have done and unfortunately, we don't know what it is yet…" the doctor started.

"What do you mean you don't know? Isn't that what they pay you for?" Elliot fumed.

"If you had let me finish…" She said. "She is experiencing some pain in her abdomen and back and her blood pressure is a bit on the high side, but we're running some tests, and we're putting a rush on them so we'll know something soon. In the meantime, Elliot she's asking for you. I don't have to remind you to keep her as calm as possible and in the meantime I'm gonna go and get the sonogram ready." Elliot gave a nod and went off towards Olivia's room while Brian stood there.

"Hey Doc...um I was wondering; could you take my blood?"

"May i ask why?"

"A DNA test."

...

"Liv…" Elliot said, knocking on the door as he opened it to find Olivia sitting up in bed rubbing her stomach.

"El!"

"Hey, I got here as fast as I could" he said with a kiss to her head and took a seat beside the bed. "What's goin on?" She was about to speak when she was cut short by a contraction.

"Oooh...there's nothing spurious about these pains!" she said, breathing heavy and trying hard not to cry. Elliot got up and took her hand.

"It's okay, just breathe!"

"El I feel sick!"

"You need to throw up?"

"No...I… I'm gonna" her face turned a weird tinge of green against her already pale skin and she gagged and retched. Elliot quickly grabbed a pail and held it up to her mouth where she retched again but this time she vomited.

"It's alright, let it out" she continued vomiting and after she emptied a second time, she pushed the pail away.

"You okay?" he asked, handing her a cup of water. She drank some and then leaned back in bed.

"Yeah, I feel better…"

"I'm gonna go and get rid of this, I'll be right back!" He said and left with the pail to go into the bathroom.

* * *

"Wait, so…"

"Bronwyn..." Nick said, helping Amanda

"is Harlan's daughter? What the...they were married!" She said feeling like she had just been slapped. "Is your friend sure? I mean…"

"She's sure. The records were sealed so apparently, Bronwyn had no idea...has no idea!"

"This is sick" Amanda exclaimed "have you told Liv?"

"I was kinda holding off on that, I don't think she'd really be in the mood to hear it."

"All this time...Lewis had a sister and a father and they married each other. I don't know, I feel like we should pay Bronwyn a visit."

"For what?"

"Maybe shatter her world with some news the way she helped shatter Liv!" she said. Nick looked at her for a moment before he spoke up.

"Works for me!"

* * *

"Stay in there, little one." Olivia said to her baby who was kicking like crazy above the monitor belt, but that was a good thing she thought. She'd sent Elliot and Brian out when they'd gotten too heated in conversation and now she lay, just her and her baby. She held her stomach as she lay back against the pillows, feeling her baby move and she was silently thankful in spite of the discomfort she was in.

"I see the contractions have all but stopped." The doctor said as she came in.

"One every hour...I'm still feeling really nauseous and the pain…" Olivia said while rubbing her exposed stomach.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. We got the results"

"Something's wrong with her, isn't it?" She asked the doctor, holding her daughter tighter.

"It's not her."

"I don't..." When the doctor sat down at her bedside she became worried.

"I understand that when you were...found in Pennsylvania, the doctor there treated you for chlamydia."

"I…" suddenly there were tears in her eyes. She hadn't told anybody about it and had assumed that when the doctor told her she was cured…

"Olivia, don't be ashamed"

"Is that what this is? I thought that-"

"You are, honey. You don't have the infection."

"Then what…?"

"The pain and nausea you've been having...you've developed Pelvic Inflammatory…"

"Disease...from the chlamydia." she said in a near whisper.

"It's quite serious but the good news is that we know, and now we can cure it...Olivia, I'm sorry, I know-"

"Please; don't. Just… How soon can we start treatment and is it safe for the baby?" She asked, trying desperately to keep her tears at bay but she wasn't succeeding and they flowed out faster than she could wipe them. The doctor herself wanted to cry seeing her so broken but she shook it off to continue.

"The nurse will be in with the antibiotics, we'll give them to you intravenously to start. Don't worry, it's safe… Olivia, it will be okay." She said before she left the room and Olivia held on to her baby and cried, boring into the pillows and wondering when this nightmare would end. She'd been free from Harlan and all of the torture for four months but was she really? Even with the physical scars to remind her along with the thoughts and dreams that haunted her, she couldn't escape and couldn't see to get away from it no matter how much therapy or time she spent talking about it and now here was yet another thing to deal with, PID from one of those dirty, disgusting men giving her...

"I'm so sorry!" She said to the baby as she cried. "you don't deserve all this!"

_Could she be mine?_

* * *

**.**

**Could she be?**


	35. True Colors

**This is now officially my longest story, both chapter wise and word length so yay me! Anyway here's chapter 35, enjoy.**

* * *

**.**

"Look, I told you. We can't rush this!"

"We don't have a choice. She's about to deliver in 2 &amp; ½ months and I need her safe and sound, in my care before that happens."

"Look, you hired me to do a job, let me do it!"

"I hired you to deliver her to me and you haven't even gotten close; do I maybe need a new guy?"

"I'll get her to you…just give me a couple weeks; a month at most"

"Don't make me regret this Collins!"

...

"Okay...no more phone calls, we have the night officially to ourselves!" Darrell said as he climbed on the bed, clad in just his boxer briefs where he had Amanda waiting in her very scanty black lace bra and panties.

"Can I hold you to that?" She said as he came up around her and caged her in with his arms and she put hers around him.

"You can hold me to anything!" he looked into her eyes before he kissed her, all the while thinking how he would possibly keep what he was doing away from her; he liked Amanda - a lot; something he didn't count on but it happened and he couldn't imagine this undoing them.

As he took her bra off and eagerly sucked her waiting nipple into his mouth, he knew that he wouldn't lose her, he couldn't. He had no intention of doing anything that Bronwyn wanted. Sure, that had been the plan in the beginning, but the closer he'd gotten to the situation, now he had too much to lose he thought as she moaned so beautifully against him.

* * *

"Damn you Collins!" Bronwyn said as Harlan was coming past the door of her bathroom. She'd assumed that she would be alone to soak in peace, just her and her son after burying the body but that wasn't to be the case as she saw him through the crack of the door. "Yes sir?" She answered just as the door opened.

"You got somethin I need baby!"

"I do? Anything...I could be out in-"

"The pin to your ATM card!"

"The pin to my- sir, why would you need the pin to my ATM card - if I may?"

"Not that it's any of yer business…" He said, primping in the huge mirror over the double sinks while Bronwyn waited for a continuance that never came.

"...but?"

"It's none a yer business god dammit, now gimme the pin!"

"3684 but sir, you can't go out, you'll be seen."

"It's dark, who gon see me? Truth is I'm fuckin sicka bein cooped up in here! Got a whole city out there and I'm stuck here with you!"

"But…"

"Don't wait up!" And just that fast, he was gone while Bronwyn sat there in her bubble bath, sulking."

"All I do for him and still he leaves me... why can't he just love me?" She cried before she realized that her son was sitting there on the side of the bathtub. She promised him no negative vibes and look…

"You're right, Junior I'm sorry. I never meant… You're absolutely right, they are getting quite full!" She agreed and pulled the stopper to let the water out. "You're such a good big brother!" She said and picked him up to kiss the jar before she got out of the tub.

* * *

"I hope everybody's decent!" Nick said as he and Fin walked into Olivia's hospital room.

"Tell me this is the last time we'll see you in this place before the baby's born." Fin half joked and kissed Olivia on the head as he hugged her. "How you doin?"

"I know, me and hospitals…and I'm alright; I just really want to go home." she said and reached to the nightstand for her water. "what are you guys doing here?" she said as she took a drink and put it back.

"You didn't think we'd let you be here alone" Nick said.

"That's sweet but I'm not alone." She lied. Elliot and Brian...what was going on with the two of them, she couldn't fathom but they were at each other's throats again after she'd kicked them out the first time. When they came back, they managed to get along for almost two minutes before the fighting started up again and she had had it and sent them both away.

"Damnit… I gotta take this!" Fin's phone was suddenly ringing, much to his annoyance. He loved police work but sometimes he wished that it would halt. "I'll be right back...yeah, Tutuola!" he gruffed before he stepped out of the room.

"You really okay?" Nick asked, concern in his voice. He didn't even notice that he was holding her hand.

"I'm fine Nick." She didn't mention the pain she was in, but Nick could see it in her eyes.

"Just tell me this…" He said. "Honestly, are you and the baby...you're alright?" Her eyes became wet but she didn't cry the tears this time and instead she raked her hands over her now kicking child. Through her exposed belly, Nick could see the baby's feet as she moved and stared in awe.

"We're okay."

"Can I?" He asked, referring to her belly. She allowed him and he placed his hands on either side, sitting there for a moment just feeling the baby inside her when suddenly she gave a huge kick beneath his palm.

"Whoa! You feel that?" He laughed

"I felt it"

"She's strong; just like you!" He said and squeezed her hand causing her to smile and look away, a few tears escaping and in turn causing him to shed a few that he quickly wiped away just as Fin entered the room.

"Baby girl, I'm sorry to cut the visit short but Nick, we have to go!"

"No, it's okay."

"I'll see you tomorrow!" He said and kissed her before he left.

"Keep your head up!"

"Bye Nick." Suddenly she was alone again and feeling exceptionally tired after a long day. She palmed her belly to feel her baby, moving so strong and she remembered what Nick said and she smiled.

"How about we get some sleep, Supergirl? Momma's had a rough day and I know you must be tired too."

* * *

With nothing else to do since Olivia had kicked him out, Brian decided to go and do some thinking. The doctor had made it clear that they couldn't do a paternity test without Olivia's consent and since he didn't have it, he was at a bit of an impasse and thinking about what might be best.

After all his thinking got him even more agitated at what he knew he'd have to do, he decided later to go to a bar and ended up at the same place as Elliot. And when Elliot saw him, his first instinct was to stay as far away from Brian as he could but the bar was crowded and since he didn't want to go to another, they ended up sitting beside one another and that led to trying to make small talk, and that led to…

"Look...if it's any consolation; I'm sorry!" Elliot said to Brian so low that he barely heard him.

"You? You're…" Brian was shocked; was Elliot apologizing?

"Yes, I'm sorry okay."

"Okay…"

"Okay? That's all you gotta say?" Elliot had apologized but he at least thought that he would get a little apology, something in return since they were both in the wrong; something more than just _okay._

"What do you want me to say? I mean since technically you _did_ start it"

"I didn't start it!" He said with an annoyed grin.

"You kinda did"

"No, actually I didn't!"

"Yeahhh, you kinda did!"

"Alright look" Elliot continued after he took a hearty sip of his beer. "Regardless of who started it; I can be the bigger man"

"Bigger man? Pffft!"

"...and apologize because the fact is, we're not doing Liv much good fighting. Can you at least get on board with that?"

"What's your angle here Stabler? I mean you virtually disappear for three years and then out of the blue you just pop up!"

"First of all, what do you mean _what's my angle? _I don't have an angle!"

"You know; she cried for you every night after Lewis. She thought I didn't know but she cried every single night for months and I wished that you would just come and make her better...but you didn't and then one day she didn't, so I'm wondering why now after all this time?"

Elliot sat and peeled his beer bottle, quiet enveloping him for a long moment and then

"It doesn't matter! She knows, she understands and she forgave me so explaining myself to you or anybody is irrelevant. I owe her and I owe my kids, nobody else!" He said, grabbed his jacket and left leaving Brian sitting with thoughts on how he would say what he needed to, to Olivia. Deciding that the best way would just be to do it.

* * *

"Okay, I think we have enough!" Bronwyn said as she turned off the pump and detached the two bottle-bags full of breast milk. "I don't know what I'd do without you here to remind me of such things!" She cooed to the dead baby then got up and put the bags in the freezer.

"Your brother is going to have a really good, healthy milk supply by the time he arrives, huh?" She'd never actually given thought to how exactly she would take Olivia's baby without Harlan asking questions. She could hear him now: _What the hell did you do? _But she just knew that once he saw the baby, he would forget all about it...wouldn't he?

"It doesn't matter...she has to go!" _Harlan and I will never have a truly loving marriage until she's out of the way...he'll never love our son until she's out of the way and then we can create another… _"Wouldn't you like that Junior, another little brother to add to the fold? Come on big boy, it's time for you to go to dreamland!" She picked up the glass jar and cradled it in her arms, singing softly to it as she exited the kitchen.

* * *

"Brian… damnit!" Olivia yelled as she came out of the bathroom to find him sitting in her room.

"I'm sorry...I know you said _don't come back till tomorrow!_ But it just; it couldn't wait." He had her IV pole and was helping her to the bed.

"What couldn't wait, scaring me half to death?"

"Liv, I want you to take the paternity test"

"This again" she said as he got into the bed.

"Look, I'm sorry alright but ever since this morning"

"When you decided that she was yours over a craving…"

"It wasn't… Liv what are you so afraid of?"

"You've been thinking about this all day?"

"Yeah, pretty much"

"Have you thought about this: what if she's not your baby?"

"Then I was wrong and we move on…"

"_Move on…_ I can't just move on. If I consent to this test and it says she's not yours, guess who has to bear that disappointment all over again?"

"Liv…"

"Brian, I'm sorry...I can't put myself through this right now and I'm asking you to understand...I need time."

"I'm sorry too, but if that kid's mine I got a right to know!"

"Wait, what are you…?"

"Tomorrow I'm asking a judge to order a paternity test!"

"You wouldn't do that"

"Liv I'm sorry, but you don't give me any other choice"

"Brian don't okay, you don't have to do this!"

"Then just give me the test, it's not a hard thing!"

"Why are you making such an issue out of this? You of all people should understand"

"It's just- I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and…"

"And what? You're acting like you wanna take her from me..." When he suddenly got quiet and walked away, she looked at him in shock, her arms protectively tightening around the baby, the realization suddenly hitting her.

"I...maybe just until you get your head in a better-"

"Oh god!" Her tears immediately began to drop and he felt like the biggest idiot.

"It's just tempor-"

"Get out." She said in a very small voice, still holding her baby.

"Liv"

"You are NEVER taking my baby, do you understand? She is mine, now get out!" This time her voice was big and unmistakeably very angry through her tears.

"I just-"

"GET OUT!" She screamed and threw the water pitcher at him. The nurses came running in and found her hysterical.

"Ms. Benson?!"

"You son of a bitch!" Between her erratic breathing, the tears that wouldn't stop, and her shaking she was headed for a major problem if they didn't get it to stop and as two of the nurses tended to taking her blood pressure and calming her down, it was the third, a large woman who grabbed Brian.

"Let's go!" She said and threw him out into the hall.

...

"Hey, Amanda it's Brian; I was hoping we could maybe hook up if you're not busy...call me!" He said before he hung up and put his phone in his ran his hand down his face. He hadn't meant to upset Olivia like he had but what else was he to do? It's not as if she gave him much of a choice, she can't just deny him the chance to know if that baby is his and she can't deny that she doesn't need the stress of a baby when she's trying to get better.

"Still, you could have handled it better!" He told himself, then got on the elevator that had just arrived, and left.

* * *

"Darrell...baby!" She pants. She's riding him like a mad woman "I'm gonna...oh god I'm comin again, I'm comin!" She cries, it's so good she's literally in tears!

"That's it, come for me again, all over this dick!" He had her on her knees, above him, legs spread and they're pounding each other so hard, she can't think straight as she feels her orgasm coming and she's screaming as it hits. "That's it baby. Oh god!" he cries finally as he comes right along with her and she collapses in a sweaty heap on top of him, unable to talk and just breathing heavily with him, wrapped in his arms.

"Holy shit!" He laughs, then takes her head in his hands and kisses her full and passionate.

"Holy Christ! Tell me you're not a killer!" She said causing him to laugh.

"I'm not, but why?"

"Cuz I can't give this up!" She laughed and kissed his chest before snuggling there. "Where have you been all my life?" She asked, making circles on his nipple.

"I could ask you the same thing!" Just as they kissed, her phone began ringing. "Not me this time!"

She reached and grabbed the phone and saw that it was Brian by the ID and she threw it back down. "It's okay, that can go to voicemail!" she said, grinding slowly against him, her clit hitting his pelvic bone.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, cuz right now, I have an impossibly large cock still inside me and I'm sorta making it my mission to get it hard again."

"You're gonna be the death of me, you know that?" he toyed with her nipples and she let out a moan.

"I hope it's a good death!"

"It's a very good death!" She leaned in to kiss him and he flipped her over, never breaking the contact of him between her legs, or her kiss on his lips as she wrapped her legs around him and tangled her fingers in his dreads.

He could not lose her.

* * *

As Elliot came off the elevator, he was scared to death and imagined every horrible scenario he could think of. The nurse didn't say what was wrong, only that Olivia was upset and that they couldn't get her to calm down.

"Mr. Stabler…" The nurse greeted. "We tried calling Detective Tutuola but-"

"It's okay, what happened?" He asked as they walked towards the room.

"I'm not sure. We came in to see her yelling at Mr. Cassidy and she was/is extremely aggravated!"

"That damn-"

"Her blood pressure is really high and it's not good at all…" her pager went off "I have to see another patient but please…" She left Elliot halfway down the hall from Olivia's room and he took a breath to calm himself before he continued on.

"Liv…" He said upon entering the room. The nurse had it all wrong, aggravated didn't even begin to describe the state she was in!

"I told them not to call you!"

"Guess they didn't hear you!" He attempted a joke that failed. But one look at him and she broke down in tears, sending him flying to her side to hold her.

* * *

"So we went to her apartment but she wasn't home" Nick said to Fin. They were at the hospital interviewing the victims and waiting on the rape kit from the man who had been assaulted.

"Aw man! Are you kidding me right now?"

"I wish I were!"

"So this chick was actually married to her father?"

"Yep."

"Harlan Lewis?"

"Yep."

"Said it once and I'll say it again; I will never understand white people!"

"You and me both, my friend!"

* * *

Brian left the strip club with a few too many beers in him so doing the honorable thing, he left his car keys with his buddy who owned the club and decided on a cab to get home. Unfortunately for him, he had to pee, something he hadn't thought of inside the joint and being too far away to go back inside he went into the alley to relieve himself.

Walking inside, he noticed one of the strippers from the club blowing a guy in the alley. "Hey Tiff, 10 seconds to get out of here before I bust you and your friend here for lewd behavior!"

She pulled her mouth off the guy she was blowing and got up quickly. "Sorry dude, I got kids at home!" And she walked off.

"Well now…" The man who was still in the alley said as he turned to Brian. I guess I should be goin too; you have a good night now, ya hear?" He said and tipped his cap and walked past Brian. That was where everything changed.

"Funny...if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were somebody else!" He said as he took a piss. The man stopped in his tracks and turned back around to make his way towards Brian who was busy emptying his bladder.

"And who might that be?" The man said as he picked up a broken two by four with two nails attached.

"A loser who better be glad he's dead!"

"Well we cayn't all be glad now can we, Brian?"

"Wait, what?"

He never saw the board coming.

* * *

**.**

**Stay tuned.**


	36. Out & In

**Chapter 36. This was gonna be longer but it really didn't need much more so, enjoy.**

* * *

.

He spent most of the night calming her and now, finally, she slept after crying herself down. How much more is she supposed to take before she just gives up?

Elliot sat in the chair by her bedside as he watched her sleep. All of the three years that he was gone, after the fog cleared from his mind about shooting Jenna, he had one other thought and it was always her. When he thought of Kathy, or even of the kids, he could always push them out of his mind. Knowing that they didn't belong there, it seemed easy to not think of them but then there was Olivia; he couldn't put her out of his mind no matter how hard he tried and in those three years he was forced to deal with the fact that he did love her! He'd known for years, but having to actually face it and resign himself; no Kathy or kids to serve as a distraction, he had time to figure out what he really wanted and what he wanted was her; it's always been her since the day they he first saw those beautiful brown eyes smile at him and say _hello!_

He'd known coming back that there would be challenges. What if in the three years without him she'd gotten married, or just didn't forgive him for leaving? He'd planned on just putting his heart out there and letting her do with it as she pleased, but he hadn't counted on this - looking back at the worries he had _then, now _he wished it had been so simple but still, he kept hope.

He loved this woman; loved her with everything he had inside of him and going through this with her, being here for her just made him realize that even more. She would get through this, she would and he would be here with her for however long it took.

"Damn you Cassidy!" He whispered to himself just thinking how he'd like to beat some sense into that…

"El"

"Hey. Was I too loud again?"

"No" She said as she struggled to sit up with sleep still on her. "I have to pee!"

"Come on, I'll help you up!" He smiled.

* * *

Taking the drive back to the Hamptons, Harlan wondered how long it would be before they found Brian's body. After he'd beaten his head in, he couldn't put the body in his car, it would draw too much attention when he would have pulled the car up in the alleyway and too much attention if he would have driven the car in… _damn New York City! _He thought.

This was why he preferred small town living. No crowding to witness everything; a man could hide a body and not worry about being seen but here…

"No sense cryin over spilt milk now Harlan!" He said. Besides, who had time to worry? Last night after he handled Brian, dumping his body in the bottom of the dumpster, he went to another strip club where he paid some whore and he fucked her good in Bronwyn's car, then on his way back to the Hamptons, he stopped by Olivia's and just stared up at the building.

His prize was sitting inside there waiting for him. She had his baby inside her; his boy and shortly…

"Soon!" He said before he drove on and back to his prison, wishing that he could recreate the night he took her… "You enjoy your freedom now baby, cuz when I got you next time it won't be no gittin away!"

* * *

"I'm so tired!" Nick got out between yawns then downed a big gulp of his coffee. He and Fin had been on duty for 38 hours straight including last night- a case that went all the way through till this morning and they still weren't done. Now here it was, 5AM and they were both in need of sleep.

"Yeah, tell me about it… Excuse me, can we get some more coffee?"

"Anything else?" The waitress said.

"A bacon, egg and cheese sandwich…"

"I'll have turkey bacon with egg whites, no sandwich. We'll take both of those to go." Nick finished.

"Coming right up!" she said before she walked off. Nick took a gulp of his coffee and turned to Fin.

"So I've been thinkin, you know, why don't we do something nice for Liv?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know...her birthday's coming up in two weeks"

"She hates birthday parties" Fin reminded him.

"Then we won't call it a party, you know, serve some food, give her some things she'll need for the baby"

"That actually sounds good Amaro, I'm in!"

"We'll get Amanda to hammer out the details"

"We'll see… Tell me somethin, what do you know about this Darrell character?"

"Uh, nice guy; good police. Seems like he's on the level when it comes to Amanda, why?"

"I don't like him! Somethin about him that I don't trust!"

* * *

Darrell held Amanda, her legs around his waist against the shower door and he plowed into her powerfully while sucking the pulse point on her neck, creating a hickey; god the absolute dominance with which he was fucking her!

"D baby, right there...right there, oh god, please don't stop!" She cried. The pleasure she was receiving was unlike any she'd ever felt before him; his cock, it's thickness and length was hitting every single spot so hard and wonderful; stretching her, filling her. His hands, his mouth; there was no thinking clearly. Right now, she was his and only his and as she felt his mouth on her breast teasing, licking and sucking her already sensitive nipples while he fucked her so incredibly deep...she didn't care that she got no sleep last night or that now they had to be to work in a couple of hours. Nothing mattered except him and this, and as he looked into her eyes talking dirty as he pushed up inside her, bottoming out now with every thrust she didn't know if she'd pass out from the intensity or explode from the pleasure... her body made the choice and erupted, clenching around his shaft and convulsing. She was done!

"You alright baby?" he said as she collapsed around him. She hung there from his neck, burying her head while she ground against him involuntarily and he kissed her softly. He was still buried and still rock hard waiting on her to tell him when. She grabbed his head and kissed him hard, her body still convulsing as the water of the shower made steam around them.

"I can't let you go!" She said through tears, kissing him through her words. He didn't waste time turning off the water and carrying her out of the shower, laying her down on the bathroom floor. She didn't take notice of the cold tile, she wanted one thing and as he began fucking her again she knew she was home as she scratched her nails down his back, drawing blood as she cried and he continued. Dear god this could be love!

* * *

"Hows your pain?"

"Lessening… El, do you think…?"

"No, I don't"

"You didn't even let me finish" she half smiled.

"You were gonna say do I think that that if Brian's the father, a judge will grant him custody; Liv honestly, I don't, but I do think you need to get in front of it."

"I can't, El I'm so scared!"

"I know you are" he said, speaking softly and with a hand on her belly, rubbing small circles. "you've been through it but you love this little girl and no matter what the test says, that won't change. You've already had the amnio, just ask the doctor to run a paternity test, have it done before Brian gets a judge to order it."

"What if she's his, El? He wants custody-"

"And I promise you I won't let that happen but Liv, you gotta be proactive. Please; get the test."

* * *

Out in that alley on 87th street, Brian lay in the dumpster bleeding profusely from the wounds to his head. Harlan had beat him terribly including a blow that landed the two nails in the board directly in his eye on the second blow. Harlan stood over him and ripped it out of his head before proceeding to beat him unconscious and then throwing him in. When he was done, he made his point by shoving a beer bottle in his rectum before throwing trash on him to cover him up and leaving the alley.

Now 5 hours later, he was still out under the mounds of trash but breathing, barely. In the alley between a strip club that kept evening hours, a nail salon that didn't open until noon and a bowling alley, it didn't look good for him being found and he didn't have the strength to pull himself out even if he were conscious.

A homeless guy and his parrot that frequented the alley to collect food that the bowling alley threw out every night came wandering through. He was sure that he'd get some good stuff to eat and he went in the dumpster, next to Brian's and got to digging. After 20 minutes and finding a few half eaten burgers, two pizzas that were barely touched and some nachos, he decided that he had enough when he found a discarded $20 bill and thought that today was his lucky day and immediately packed up what food he'd found, took his cart and headed off to the nearest bodega for lottery tickets and beer; leaving Brian with a chance that went to waste.

And in the dumpster, beneath the garbage Brian lay there bleeding out, his head swollen and unconscious and he uttered three words:

_I'm sorry Olivia._

* * *

"You did the right thing Liv, you'll see, this will all work out."

"I can hope" she said, nervously rubbing her stomach. "This little girl, I just realized is gonna be here in a couple of months and I haven't got a single thing for her; I'm gonna need to find a new place to live and I waited so long..god, I'm already failing"

"You're not failing, you're just overwhelmed; and you'll figure it out when you get out of here but in the meantime, why don't you stay with me until you find something?"

"I can't ask you to do that El"

"You're not and it's done okay, you stay with me as long as you need to!"

"You'd do that for me?"

"I'd do anything for you, besides I have a huge apartment with plenty of room, you're more than welcome"

"Thanks El!"

"...in the meantime, you still don't have a name for her"

"Actually I've given that some thought; a lot of thought...I wanna name her Serena, after my mom. I feel like she's been a guardian angel for this baby." She said teary eyed.

"I think your mom would like that."

"I hope so. El I blamed her for so much; she didn't have the support I have and she broke because of it...I just wanna show her that I understand now, that I get it."

"She knows." He saw said, placing a kiss to her head.

"I just hope that I can be a good mother to her namesake, I wanna raise her so that she'll be happy and hopefully she won't ever know this fate." she said wistfully.

"Hey, she won't. The important thing is that she'll be loved by you and by all of us!"

"I don't see how. I love her but she's mine...how can you, knowing where she might have come from?"

"Because even if she did, she's innocent and I- I love her mother; more than life and I can only hope that I get to show her how much!"

Olivia just sat there and looked down at her stomach, running her hand over it while her mind raced and she chewed her bottom lip and she got teary. "Elliot…"

"I'm sorry. It was stupid and I'm sorry, I just…"

"It wasn't stupid" she said looking up at him and he felt relieved. "It's just...you don't know how long I've wanted to hear those words; it's all I've wanted for the last fifteen years"

"But?"

"But suddenly you left and as much as I wanted them, slowly I told myself that they would never come and now…"

"This is about Brian?"

"No, it's about me. I won't say that I don't, or didn't love Brian because I did, but never the way I love you…I never loved anyone the way I love you but El, you don't wanna love me now"

"Why would you think that?" He got up and sat on the bed beside her, drying her tears with his thumbs.

"Look at me...I was raped, El. I'm having a baby that may or may not be a product of that and on top of it all I'm so messed up, I...why would you want that?"

"Because when I look at you I don't see any of that...I see the woman that I have loved since I can remember but was too afraid to tell her because I couldn't handle dealing with the 'what ifs', I see the woman that I should've told a long time ago how I felt and I see the woman that's been through some things that would have broken another woman but she's still standing! Liv I'm not saying you have to give me anything now, but eventually, however long it might take I'm only asking that you one day let me in- I know I don't deserve it but I'll ask it still."

"And what if I told you, I need time?"

"Then I'll give you all the time you need. Liv I don't wanna push" she nodded through her tears.

"I do love you; and I imagined that it would be this big moment when we finally… I never imagined it would be like this, I wanted-"

"Fireworks?"

"Yeah." She said quietly. "Everything in my life now is just- I sometimes wonder if I'll ever have that again."

Elliot sat thinking for a moment, wondering I'd he should do what his heart was telling him he needed to do and he decided in that instant that he should; he needed to and he leaned in slowly and sought her lips, kissing them so carefully and so slowly. She didn't know at first what to do but then she gave in and they shared a kiss so beautiful, sweet and full of love.

"What about now?" He said when he pulled his mouth away, caressing her lips. She sat there breathless and trying to inhale as their heads rested against one another's.

"I thought you said you wouldn't rush" she said with a smile on her face. She hadn't felt the way that kiss made her feel in such a long time. Definitely fireworks.

"And I won't...I just need you to know that you are still beautiful; even if you don't feel it you are. You're beautiful and wanted and even if you won't say it, I know that you just felt it."

She was about to speak when suddenly she felt the baby stretching and kicking. "Somebody's awake!" She said, feeling her belly.

"Guess she didn't wanna be left out." And he put his hands to her stomach and brought his face close. "Hey little one!" the baby kicked beneath his palm.

"I think she's hungry." Olivia said with a smile as she soothed her hands over her now active daughter.

"Why don't I go and pick you up something? There's a diner just down the street"

"Would you? Hospital food isn't exactly the greatest"

"Lemme guess; lots of bacon and sweet &amp; fried?"

"Please" She suddenly was taken back to that room, not even hearing Elliot say he'd be right back.

_Lying on that bed in the basement the first time; Harlan and 12 other guys abused her in every way possible and now they had chained her by her hands from the ceiling, preparing to do her standing. Hanging her head and wishing she could die, she was in so much pain and so tired; she just wanted it to end but that wouldn't happen and it was Harlan who spoke_

"_Ain't quittin yet darlin!" He said as he cupped her sex and she heaved and gagged. "You throw up and I'll make you eat it!"_

"_Please...I'm begging you...please!" She cried unable to control the gag. Her throat was clogged with so much semen that it made getting the words out hard, but she begged him._

"_A whore like you? See I don't think you had enough!" He said low and menacing near her ear as he pinched her nipple hard, causing her to cry out. "Fellas, why don't one a you give this whore's ass some attention? Seems to me she is missin it!" and he dug his hand deep inside her, causing her to scream…_

She shook away the memory and found herself looking around for Elliot, just noticing that he had gone

"You can not continue letting this control you!" She said to herself and looked down at her stomach. "I won't...I promise I won't!"

* * *

**.**

**Until next time.**


	37. Choices

**I'm sorry it took me so long but it just wouldn't flow! Anyway, here it is. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters, enjoy!**

* * *

.

"Maybe you should take some Lamaze classes, you know, to get you ready for the big event?" Amanda said, plumping Olivia's pillows while Olivia sat tying her gown.

"I would but I don't see the point; nobody can teach me how to push out a baby. God..." She put her hands on her back and stretched "I wish I had done this when I was younger; pregnancy is brutal in your 40's!"

"Here" she reached out and started to rub Olivia's lower back while she sat forward in bed.

"Oh god, that feels so good!"

"I've been told!" She grinned "so when do you get out of here?"

"Hopefully today...if the doctor thinks I can continue the treatment at home"

"But, I mean you're feeling better, right?"

"Physically…"

"Should I ask?" She asked as she continued to massage.

"It's nothing, really." She said and while Amanda wanted to ask, she knew that there was no point. "So you said you wanted me to look at a file?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, I just, are you sure cuz I don't wanna overwh-"

"Amanda, give me the file!"

"Yes ma'am!" Amanda grinned.

* * *

_Look, you psycho; stop calling me at work! _Was what Darrell wanted to say but he couldn't and instead: "You know better!" He warned into the phone. He nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Bronwyn's name on the ID and he ran into the bathroom._ Stupid girl!_ He thought. Why would she call him and leave her number out there where anyone could have seen it? Was she trying to blow everything apart?

"I have to know where you are with the target!" She whispered ever so nonchalantly as she stared at the open door in case Harlan came.

"Target? She has a name, Bronwyn!"

"Fine, Olivia if you must. What's going on? Are we any closer?"

"Why are you whispering?"

"I…" She couldn't let it slip out about Harlan! Only four people had ever known about him since he'd "died" in Pennsylvania...well five if you count the maid he'd murdered. "My baby is sleeping!"

"Your baby…?" _did she even have a kid or was she just bullshitting?_ He decided that he didn't care and continued on. "Look, Bronwyn" he said, peeking out the room window though the door. "I told you-"

"We can't rush this" she finished "Well I'm sorry, but that's not good enough!"

"It's gonna have to be."

"I don't care! I mean it Darrell, you get her to me!" And just that fast, the call dropped.

"You stupid bitch!" Darrell mumbled.

"Excuse me?" Nick said, having come in the bathroom unbeknownst to Darrell.

"Oh...nothing, wrong number!" He smiled insecurely and left the room quickly while Nick looked after him and shook his head before heading to the urinal.

* * *

"Elliot, will you stop?" Olivia said with a laugh. "I'm not an invalid!" from the sofa she took the glass of water he brought to her and quickly swallowed the liquid antibiotic he handed her. The doctor had finally decided that she could go home yesterday and Elliot had been waiting on her hand and foot, much to her disdain.

"Amuse me, I have to go to DC tonight, let me at least make sure you're okay."

"God, that's disgusting!" She said, making a face upon swallowing as the thick, balmy liquid made its way down her throat.

"Would have made it easier if you'd taken pills." He said then realised exactly what he'd said as he got up to take the medicine cup to the sink, silently cursing himself.

"I um…" As he stood rinsing the cup, she slipped for a minute into thoughts of William shoving pills down her throat and she vomiting them back up. "I developed an aversion to them." Was all she said before she went quiet, rubbing her belly. Elliot knew there was something she wasn't telling him but he also knew that it had to be in her own time or not at all.

"I'm sorry." He said as he dried the cup and hung the dishtowel.

"Elliot...it's okay. Come" she said holding out her hands to him. "I wanna talk to you about something."

When he was seated in front of her on the table…

"That kiss yesterday…"

"I don't...I thought it was a good idea at the time but…"

"I liked it…"she said quickly and looked away, chewing on her lip as feelings of guilt washed over her. She looked for something to do with her hands and quickly found them again on her belly. This was what she had been struggling with ever since his lips met hers yesterday morning; the kiss was something she wanted, needed but at the same time it was Elliot. She'd loved him for as long as she could remember but how could she want this now with all of the sexual torture she'd been subjected to? All the men, all the…

"You liked it?" He said, a smile uncontrollably forming on his face. He had been worried that maybe he had moved too fast and now her admission told him that he was worried for nothing.

"...it's just…" Her voice was low, afraid. She didn't want to make him feel that he had done anything wrong; that was the furthest thing from the truth. It had been beautiful. But at the same time, she felt that she didn't deserve it and not only that, but she had agreed to stay with him while she found a place. All that happened with Brian, she didn't feel that she could be here anymore but what if this complicated that?

"Liv, it's okay" he told her quietly, calmly, and meaning what he said. "You don't have to be afraid to say what you're feeling; good or bad I'll understand or at least try to." He didn't want to push things and making her uncomfortable was the last thing he wanted.

"Elliot, I don't know where my head is right now" she said while looking down at her hands and trying to keep her tears at bay. "I um...with the r-rapes and trying to deal with them; the baby...Brian. It's just…"

"-I made you feel overwhelmed?" she looked up at him after a moment and slowly nodded.

"The last thing I wanna do is hurt you…" He gave a smile and took her hands, gently removing them from her belly.

"You are not hurting me." He said and wiped a stray tear from her face. "I'm just glad that you're not doing what the old Olivia would have done and running away from me." She smiled sadly.

"Sometimes I miss her"

"Only sometimes?"

"You know what I mean…"

"I do, I'm only kidding with you… Liv, just the fact that you were able to tell me that you were overwhelmed, that's a start in the right direction.I just hope that you won't let it change your mind about staying with me."

"That's what I'm scared about"

"Hey, look at me...I said I won't push and I meant it; this can go as slow as you need it to go or not at all...though I pray it's not not at all"

"You offered in the heat of the moment and it's your new place" she said rubbing her stomach again.

"I offered because I want you there and I still do but I get it…"

"I just don't wanna feel like me and Serena are intruding… What are you smiling at? I'm being serious!" She said upon watching him.

"You."

"Elliot…"

"She's not just _the baby_ anymore, she has a beautiful name and a personality that I know is gonna be as intense as her mother's. Let me do this for you and her...and it's only temporary" he said, though in his heart he prayed that it would be something more. Three years away with nothing to do but figure out his feelings and he was ready to go all in if she'd let him, and he didn't care about what was attached.

"On one condition"

"Oh boy"

"I'm serious El, I pay rent and you will not undercharge me!"

"Are you kidding?"

"Take it or leave it!"

Their moment was cut short again when the phone rang.

"I'm gonna get that…" He grinned, getting up.

"I'm serious." She said then proceeded to drink the water that he had given her earlier.

"Liv… Eunice Raymond?" Olivia stopped drinking and sat still for a minute. It still put a bit of a shock into her, hearing the ADA's name. Sure, she was on her side, she had been working hard to see to it that the men who had assaulted her, the ones they'd found would go away for a very long time but with the name Eunice Raymond came memories; memories that were hard to shake!

"Olivia, you okay?" Elliot asked worried.

"Yeah...yeah. I'm fine; thanks!" She took the phone and with a shaky breath, put it to her ear. "Hello?"

"Olivia, I've got some good news!"

* * *

"Oh my god….oh god, I'm gonna cum again...Darrell!" Blouse open, bra pushed up and her jeans and panties pushed down around her ankles while she was facing the wall and Darrell was behind her; Amanda began to scream as her orgasm tore through her. Darrell hurriedly clamped his hand over her mouth and continued to pound into her from behind while he harshly manipulated her clit. She reached back and grabbed a fistful of his dreads, causing him to lose it. He pulled his hand from between her legs and held her waist tightly as he emptied into her with a strong, powerful final thrust and held it there as they both came down.

"I think I'm gonna have to transfer to another unit!" He said as he kissed her neck from behind before pulling out and pulling his pants up.

"Why?"

"Because...I'm falling for you and I don't think this will work" She turned around and kissed him, the both of them trying to inhale the other. She quickly pulled away when she noticed him becoming hard again and she knew they didn't have the time for it, they were in the cribs and couldn't risk getting caught.

"God why do we have to be at work!" She asked rhetorically as she reached down for her pants only to be met by him already pulling them up.

"I'll see you tonight?"

"I can't...I'm filling in for Fin so he can go to Olivia's tonight."

"It's okay. Hey speaking of Olivia, can I ask you something!"

"Can't promise that I can answer it but…" She said as he fastened her pants. "Thanks babe"

"I've been hearing the name Bronwyn a lot and I know it pertains to Olivia I just don't know how...what's the relation?"

"Uhh...it's complicated. But the short of it… Olivia was kidnapped and the man that took her, Bronwyn was his wife and they did some horrible things to Olivia. Hopefully she'll be going to jail once her trial comes up."

"Trial?"

"I told you, she did some bad things…" she kissed him. "I'm gonna head out"

"Amanda... What about the husband?"

"...bastard died" she said simply and unlocked the door, thanking god that it was practically empty in the station before she slipped out.

* * *

Harlan let out a snicker as he sat eating his dinner at the Freed estate where he sat in the dining room with Bronwyn at the big table. For days now he had been thinking about how he smashed Brian's face to pieces before he dumped him in that dumpster and every time, for the life of him he was just so tickled that he couldn't help but laugh like now.

"Let me guess…" Bronwyn said, not realizing her tone.

"You care ta repeat that?"

"It's just...sir, must you laugh everytime? A man is dead." She pointed out quietly.

"And what...you fuckin em? Cuz I don't see a problem!" He barked before he was taken over by laughter again "...boy, the way that board smashed right into his eye, BLAM...took me two tries to pull it out so I could beat him wit it s'more!" He cracked up while Bronwyn sat there not amused. She didn't care about anyone being dead except Olivia, everyone else was unimportant.

"Though now that I think about it" he continued laughing "I probly woulda put the bottle in his ass sooner if I had to do it again!"

"May I be excused?"

"Well what the hell you asking me for ya damn idiot?"

For the longest moment, she sat there and stared at him then got up, grabbing the jar with the baby in it and walked over to him. "Say goodnight to daddy, Harlan."

"Bronwyn get that the fuck outta my face!" Harlan demanded as he got up and threw his fork down. "I'm goin out, don't wait up!"

"Where are you going?"

"The city awaits baby!" He said before he walked out of the dining room, leaving her again standing there quietly fuming.

* * *

Ever since the ADA had called her she had been thinking not just of Harlan, but his son and how she'd turned down this same deal when it was offered to her then. She was stronger then and she couldn't let William get that over her, let him stand up in court and basically brag about what he'd done to her, she couldn't give him the satisfaction but now there was so much more to think about, so much more at stake; she had her daughter to think about. What would going through not just one but several trials do to her? She was already on edge and just learning to cope with what happened to her; what she lived through for three months in that house.

"I suppose I should be happy but I don't know how to feel." Olivia said as she walked along Union Square, rubbing her belly through her coat.

"Why didn't you tell Elliot about this?" Fin asked

"I didn't want him to have it on his mind while he's in DC, it would have been all he could think about."

"He wouldn't have went"

"Don't I know it; I mean, I can always refuse the offer but then what? Fifteen different trials? Fifteen times where I have to show up and recount over and over what was done to me" she cried. "where they play those videos and the defense tries to rip me apart? …I can't do it. I've been through it and I can't again, I just..." The baby started to kick then move around beneath her hands and she took a deep breath.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good...she's so active!"

"That's a good thing right?"

"It is. I feel her moving and it relaxes me but god I wish she'd calm down for twenty minutes." She laughed.

So what are you going to do about the trials?"

"I don't know. "Between Bronwyn's hearing and this… ADA Raymond said that I have time to decide and that's what I'm gonna do; take time to decide. Doc and Harlan won't ever get their justice and the others can wait. I just need time."

"You're sure?"

"I am right now...can we get hot dogs?"

"Come on" Fin smiled and they went off towards the cart. But across the street near the subway, a car was going by when it had to stop at a red light. While it was sitting there waiting for the signal to change, when the driver of said car looked to his left and saw what looked like Olivia only to have her turn so he could see that it was in fact her- he nearly swallowed his tongue! There she was. Her face clear of bruises and looking happy; she was wearing a coat that barely hid her bump that she stood rubbing, comforting his seed, his boy.

"Soon you fuckin cunt! I'll be fuckin your pussy and holdin my boy...real soon!"

If only he knew that Bronwyn had other plans.

* * *

2 days later at Bronwyn's little apartment...

"When you arrived at Mr. Holmes's house in Pennsylvania, were you aware that Sergeant Benson was there, and being held prisoner?*

"Well of course I knew…"

"Bronwyn, how many times must we go through this? You are not answering Marilyn Binks, you are answering the district attorney of Pennsylvania."

"Right, I just…can you give me a minute?"

"No."

"But I need to pump"

"You need to...okay, you're still on this." She said under her breath before speaking up. "Bronwyn, I get it okay? You lost your baby, it was painful. But you have to move on, he's not coming back and you pumping milk for whatever reason will not bring him back… You have just under a month before you have to appear in court for what I hope will be a very quick trial and you don't have time to go crazier in the interim, so snap out of it!" She demanded, banging her hand on the table. Bronwyn just stood there, staring out at the rain and holding her baby.

"I told you I needed to pump, now look, I'm leaking!" she said, the two spots on her dress growing bigger.

"Bronwyn…" but she was busy fawning over the stains on her dress before she just decided to focus on her breasts, which were leaking and began to undo the top of her dress, pulling them out of their brassiere and allowed them to leak down the fabric of the dress.

"This is a fine mess!" Bronwyn said, going to the kitchen for a her pump while Marilyn looked on, suddenly wondering just why she ever became a lawyer. God she missed Carlton and Hugette right now!

"Kevin's working the case as well, yes?" Bronwyn asked upon returning from the kitchen, her pump in hand and her breasts still in full view

"Yes, he'll be co-council." Marilyn answered, obviously annoyed at Bronwyn who sat down on the sofa in the small space, hooking her pump.

"Good. You're fired."

"Nice try, now sit your ass still and let's get through these questions!" But Bronwyn, choosing to ignore her attorney turned on the pump to drown her out.

* * *

"Elliot, you said this was an apartment, not a house!" Olivia said as Elliot opened the door and she stepped into the bright and cheery space. There was a huge living room with just a couch, a chair, and a television and several boxes off in the corner. There were no curtains at the huge bay window that sat parallel to the door and more boxes as far back as she could see but the house was beautiful, and clean and she already found a likeness in the wood that made up the floors and the trimmings.

"House, apartment...it's Manhattan!" He laughed taking her coat.

"It's huge! I can't believe you live here!" she said as she journeyed deeper inside with him following.

"Got a great deal with the bureau, practically was a steal. I closed on it two weeks ago; still have a lot more furniture to buy, but it has the necessities; you like it?"

"El it's beautiful, but are you sure you want me staying here?"

"Yes."

"But your kids…"

"Will you stop trying to find excuses? My kids are living their own lives and you know they love you even if they weren't, they would want this for you. Come on, sit down."

"I love them, but how're you doing with them?" She asked, sitting slowly on the couch.

"You know, the girls it was a bit of a struggle but after the hurt and tears, they're glad to have their dad back; we still have a way to go but we're talking more and I'm so thankful for that… Dickie on the other hand...he's Dickie!"

"He'll come around"

"Yeah, well meanwhile, Eli doesn't remember me and Kathy is dead set on us not telling him; she and her husband say I should take the life I left for and be happy!"

"El I'm sorry. And I'm sorry I never told you about Mark. Maureen told me a year ago that Kathy had gotten remarried…"

"You've been dealing with things…"

"That's one way to put it" she smiled, rubbing her hand up and down her belly. His hand quickly joined hers and began rubbing.

"How's she doin?"

"Right now, she's dancing on my kidney!"

"That sounds…"

"Yeah... I have to go pee. Where's the bathroom?"

"Right around the corner, and there's one in your room for future reference."

"El are you sure you don't mind, I don't wanna be a bother."

"Liv, go pee. We'll go see your room when your done." He smiled. She stood staring at him for a moment before she smiled.

"Thank you El!" and she kissed his cheek before she walked off. He stood there waiting to see if she got there safely before he went to the kitchen to grab a beer.

* * *

**.**

**See y'all soon. I'd love to hear from you guys so please leave some reviews.**


	38. Darrell and The Red Haired Woman

**Sorry for the wait. I know I said I was putting the story on hold but I suddenly got inspired so here's the next installment. We pick up where we left off, Dick Wolf owns, I borrow. Enjoy!**

* * *

.

Two days now! Harlan had been sexually insatiable ever since he saw her two days ago! Renting a hotel room and destroying the three hookers he paid, now two days later, they were sore and bruised, deciding to collect their money and leave and after two days of the dirtiest sex (but was still relatively clean compared to what he'd inflicted on Olivia) he paid the hookers and for the first time in two days, he slept. Deciding that he'd head back to the Hamptons when he woke up.

As he closed his eyes and slid his hand under the covers, he thought of her and all the nasty things he would do when he had her again and in minutes he came, screaming her name and quickly drifted off to sleep.

* * *

"You were so quiet on the drive here" Elliot said as they hung their coats in Olivia's apartment and made their way into the living room where she sat down. "You're not changing your mind, are you?"

"No." She said with a smile that quickly faded. "I need to talk to you about something"

"Liv, I don't know what else to say to make you-"

"...it's not the house." She told him, now pulling her shirt down over her belly while simultaneously rubbing it nervously.

"Serena?"

"Not really, um do you remember that call I got from the DA in Pennsylvania last week?"

"What about it?"

"I... kinda didn't tell you everything…"

"What does that mean?" He asked, nervous about what she would say and reached to still her hands, looking her in the eyes. She stared at him, biting her lip then pursing them as she prepared to speak.

* * *

As he drove into Amanda with everything he had, breaking a sweat with the intensity with which he was working her, he had one thing on his mind: How much he hated Bronwyn! He hated her so much, he didn't realize how rough he had become with Amanda and was now fucking her with utter abandon and where she had been moaning in absolute pleasure just moments earlier, she was now moaning in pain.

"D… Oh god, Darrell baby, slow down!" She felt like he was ripping her apart and needed him to not be so harsh but he was so lost in his head, he didn't hear her and kept going.

"Darrell…" She called to him, trying to move from beneath him but having no luck being trapped beneath his weight. "Darrell, baby look at me; look at me… Darrell!" And suddenly, as if coming out of a trance...

He felt terrible when he realized, pulling out of her and sitting up on the side of the bed, looking over at her but unable to even speak, instead dropping his head in his hands and starting to weep. Amanda drew her knees up to her chest from where she now sat on the bed and watched him. His body shaking as he cried, he'd hurt her. The last person he would ever want to cause pain and he'd hurt her.

Coming down from her fear, she reached a hand out and put it upon his shoulder. She knew in her heart that he was sincere. His apology that he couldn't give her but his eyes said it when he looked at her, the way he now sat here in tears let her know that he hadn't meant it and when he put his hand over hers, pulling her onto his lap and burying his tear soaked face in her lace covered chest, her heart broke and she wrapped her arms around him.

"I'm so sorry baby! I'm so sorry!" He cried against her.

"Shhhh!" She soothed as she held him, stroking his hair as she held him tighter to her. "It's okay" she whispered in tears.

* * *

"Your blood pressure; it's high" the doctor said as she removed the cuff from Olivia's arm. Olivia seemed to be taking it in but she looked worried and tired. "What's going on?"

"What's _not _going on? I've been a little stressed; a lot stressed out lately and I guess it's taking its toll."

"Olivia, I don't want to have to remind you…"

"What stress can do; I know. It's just been really hard lately!" She said without saying too much. She just needed one area in her life that didn't fall around this rape and so far, nothing could give her that especially with Bronwyn's hearing coming up and she still hasn't answered the Pennsylvania DA on whether or not she'd be game for what she considered foolery. Why couldn't these men just take their sentences without elocution? All of that plus this mess with Brian; who still hadn't called her back so they could talk, moving in with Elliot when she still wasn't sure if he was doing it out of pity or if he really wanted her there- it was all she could do to not scream!

"...but I promise, I'm working on it. I don't want anything to hurt her!" She said as she caressed her belly lovingly. She just wished that everything could be so simple as her love for her baby, even if it wasn't very simple at all.

"Well that's good, I'd hate to have to start you on medication. Now, how about we take a look at your baby before the exam? That should get your spirits up!" Olivia smiled and nodded.

* * *

At the precinct, Nick sat at his desk thinking about Collins. Ever since that day he walked in on him in the bathroom taking that phone call, something didn't feel right. He was sitting there as Amanda went on talking and not paying much attention.

"...I got her the cutest swing set, it's so adorable- Nick...hellooo?"

"I'm sorry, what were you sayin?"

"The swing I got Olivia...where are you?"

"I'm...hey, while we're on the subject, how well do you know Collins?"

"I didn't realize we _were _on the subject but why?

"Humor me"

"Okay; uh pretty well."

"You sure?"

"Yes I'm sure; why are you askin me this?"

"I just figured that I haven't really gotten to know him these past couple months and I thought I should that's all; I mean we are working together." He lied.

"Uh-huh..." she gave him a side eye as he left and went into Murphy's office. She wasn't sure what Nick was getting at but she knew that she wouldn't offer up what had happened last night with she and Darrell. She knew in her heart of hearts that he didn't mean it and held no ill will towards him. Truth was if she was being totally honest she was growing to love him and last night only solidified the feeling. Even if he couldn't tell her the truth about what happened.

* * *

"The baby looks good" The doctor smiled as she moved the wand over Olivia's lower belly with Olivia looking at the screen in awe of her daughter.

"Never ceases to amaze me" She said, almost in a whisper.

"What does?"

"She does...she's come through so much and she hasn't even been born yet."

"She's strong." The doctor smiled, causing Olivia to smile equally wide as the exam continued.

"I know that early on we had some trouble with her gaining weight…"

"No worries. She had a rough start but she's okay. Her weight is good and she's healthy." She said, punching keys on the ultrasound machine. "I am concerned about her position though." She said as she helped Olivia wipe the gel off her stomach.

"She's alright though; I mean…"

"She's fine but seems to favor that one spot. It's nothing bad but I'm afraid that if she doesn't move it could spell problems at delivery; but we'll keep an eye on it!"

"Okay"

"Okay?" The doctor smiled. "Alright, ready for the exam?"

"If I say no, will it get me out of it?" Olivia half joked. She'd do anything necessary for this little girl but she was so tired of being poked and prodded; it never really ended since the day she escaped that house and she just wanted to be left alone.

"No, but nice try." She laughed. " You sit tight, I'll get the nurse and be right back!" She said and left Olivia lying there, propped up on her arms and staring at the ultrasound machine with her daughter's image on it, but suddenly, Billy was standing over her shoulder, looking at the monitor.

"You think she'll like em one by one or take em in a group, like mom?"

Frightened, she closed her eyes and told herself that he wasn't there, he couldn't be. She was relieved when she opened her eyes and he was gone just as the doctor came in with the nurse.

* * *

For two days now she's heard nothing but _Olivia this _and_ Olivia that; _she was sick of hearing about fucking Olivia! What was it about this woman that Harlan couldn't seem to let go of? That William couldn't seem to let go of? Sure, she was beautiful… she was damn beautiful but so what? Her father had always told her that beauty fades eventually and it's what's underneath that counts and this Olivia; she just wasn't a good person, she'd proven that when she unapologetically did what she did to Harlan.

_He didn't deserve it…and to think, I actually felt sorry for that whore!_

"Bronwyn, damn it will you get your head out of the clouds and pay attention?!" Marilyn interrupted. They had been at this for two hours and Bronwyn had spent most of that time in dreamland.

"I'm listening!"

"You're listening? I asked you a question, that means I expect an answer!"

"Oh...um...what was the question?" Bronwyn asked to which Marilyn calmly shut her notebook and began packing up her things. "What are you doing?"

"I'm putting some space between us...do you plan to make my job, every time I come around you, impossible?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do I…? You know what, Bronwyn? You need to get out more, put that...thing away and immerse in life. Play your mandolin, go on auditions; find something to do that doesn't involve driving me crazy!" Bronwyn stood there trying to look innocent but came off looking crazy instead as she cradled her baby. "...of course you're not listening, why would you? You know I promised; I _PROMISED_ your parents that I'd look out for you if anything ever happened to them and you are making it very hard to keep that promise!"

"That's because I don't _need _you to look out for me, I have Harl-"

"You still don't get it; he's dead, Bronwyn! He's dead and so is that baby, thank god!"

"Why thank god?"

Marilyn stopped, got her thoughts together in a flash and approached the subject in record time, without letting her composure slide even a fraction. "Really Bronwyn? Tell me, how would it have looked to everyone, especially in your circles if you'd have gone on with this pregnancy? Had the child of a sick rapist, huh? What then?" She said, leaving out the part about the baby being her biological brother.

"There is no proof that Harlan did any of tho-"

"Bronwyn wake up! Olivia Benson is proof even if they can't prove that he raped those seven girls they found buried in his barn, Benson is proof and she's alive with every scar, physically and emotionally that he gave her; how you were in that house and knew what he was doing to her and you just let it happen-"

_...though she kept quiet about it, it gnawed at her because even with her convictions about the situation, they way she'd seen them treat Olivia was harsh, even cruel; even if she never actually saw what happened with her own eyes, she would hear her screams and cries but Olivia wouldn't talk about happened even when Bronwyn would be tasked with laundering bloodied sheets and cleaning blood from the floor, she'd watch as Olivia would lie in the corner, somewhere in her own head and Bronwyn would try to convince herself that this was just..._

"...it sickens me because that is not the person your parents raised but at the end of the day, I have a job to do; you are living and you have very serious charges against you that you have to answer for in a very short time, you need to take this seriously!" But Bronwyn just sat there momentarily. Quiet and stoic.

"I'm going to go pump now...my breasts are full!" She stood, and after she put the baby down in his cradle and covered him, she walked off to the small kitchen area.

_God help her; she really is sick! _Marilyn thought.

* * *

At Olivia's, she, Elliot and Nick were in her kitchen packing things up for the move when the doorbell rang and she stopped.

"Is that the food?"

"Probably" Nick said.

"Well hurry!" She said, sitting down at the counter, massaging her belly while Nick shook his head and laughed as he went for the door, opening it to see Fin.

"No such luck!" Elliot said to her then back to Fin. "Hey man, come on in!"

"Hey" He said, walking in and hanging his coat "Am I interruptin somethin?"

"No… I just thought you were my food!" Olivia said. "Could one of you make me a sandwich while we wait?"

* * *

That same day at the Freed house in Manhattan, Bronwyn entered, her baby in a stroller and opened the drapes. She hadn't been there in so long and got an almost eerie feeling upon entering the massive home. She stopped and looked around the huge main foyer before she took off her coat then took the carrier portion from the stroller.

_Harlan stood above Olivia as she lay on the bathroom floor curled up and in pain from the beating he was still in the process of giving her. After he pulled her up and threw her into a wall, she scurried backwards away from him and tucked herself into a corner, screaming the only thing she could think of while clutching her stomach._

_"PLEASE…YOU'LL HURT THE BABY!" Olivia sobbed, and wiped the blood from her nose with the back of her trembling hand._

_"Harlan, she's right, think of William!" She said, pleading from where she stood in the doorway after having run up to see what the commotion was about. She was genuinely concerned for the unborn child but witnessing her husband brutally beat Olivia in her condition had an effect that she hadn't been prepared to for; she felt sorry for the woman who was virtually defenseless against six feet, six inches of stocky, muscular build..._

"She deserved it." Bronwyn tried to convince herself. She was starting to crack after what Marilyn had said but she couldn't. Olivia was playing mind games and she wouldn't let her control the situation. She turned to the jar in the carrier that was holding her baby. Okay my love, here we go!" She was looking for her baby books so that she could take them to the Hamptons house and since the attic there was a no go, she hoped that the attic here would be the answer as she made her way up in the elevator.

She was going through more boxes an hour later when she stumbled upon a lockbox that was stored in an old desk. She picked it up and sat, putting it in her lap where she sat in an old rocker, he baby at her feet.

There was a combination lock in place and she thought about it for a moment before she tried her birthday which didn't work. She tried again with both her parents birthdays and when both of those failed she put the box aside and was about to continue looking for her baby books but then thought of one more number and brought the lockbox back to her lap.

She was relieved when she put her parents anniversary in and surprisingly, it opened the box and she looked down at her baby, checking to see if he was asleep while adjusting his blanket. Satisfied that he was, she continued on with the box.

Opening the lid she was greeted by several large stacks of one hundred dollar bills.

"Is there anyplace you didn't keep money, father?" She laughed, amused at the memory of him continually leaving money all around then just as quickly and nonchalantly gathered and threw it aside, onto the desk from which she'd gotten the box. Upon further inspection, she came across a tiny .25 mm handgun, silver with a gold handle. She took the gun and the two clips for it and tucked them inside of the baby carrier then went back to the box where she found a picture of a beautiful young woman with gorgeous red wavy hair. Bronwyn looked at the woman for a long time, wondering who she was and why her picture was in a lockbox. She finally turned the picture over and saw simply _1984 _written on the back, no name, no other information. She thought it odd but discarded the picture and continued in the box.

She came across a letter, still sealed in an envelope and three other documents, the first of which was her birth certificate. The second, which she found odd was another birth certificate, this one belonging to a Johnnie Lee Floyd who also gave birth to a baby girl, unnamed, father unknown and on the same day that she was born.

"Why did father have this and who is Johnnie Lee Floyd?" She wondered aloud. She certainly didn't know anyone with that name, didn't even know anyone with the name Floyd so who was she? She got her answer seconds later when she opened the last of the three documents inside and saw that they were adoption papers! On them the birth mother was listed as this Johnnie Lee person, the birth parents as her parents and the baby's name… Bronwyn Evelyn Freed.

"But that's impossible!" She said to herself incredulously and feeling a sense of betrayal. "I've seen pictures of my mother pregnant, she had me...this can't be, she had me!" She uttered.

* * *

The next day...

"Brian… this is the third message in a week; I really need you to call me back, please." She thought for a moment if she should add more but discarded the thought and hung up the phone. Suddenly, Elliot shot from around the corner of the high end baby store wearing a nursing sling. Olivia looked at him with laughter in her eyes and gave way to it, thoroughly amused.

"Busy?"

"Just trying to get Brian" She said laughing "...what are you doing?"

"It's a nursing sling!" He said with a smile. "I thought you'd wanna see how it looked."

"Thanks, but I think it might look a little different on me." She said still laughing.

"Well yeah, I mean…" He shrugged.

"I'm not full of muscles like you ar-I didn't mean-_" _But he was already grinning.

"Nice to know you still appreciate them!" He smiled playfully.

"Shut up!" he stood laughing as he removed the sling and she smiled somewhat, rolling her eyes.

"Okay, I have no idea what to buy for a baby." She said, her hands resting on her bump. "...and I'm hungry!"

"Again?" She looked at him ready to strike.

"are you trying to say that I'm eating too much?!"

"No! No, no, no! You're right." He said, easily slipping out of what was almost an argument; one that he didn't want. He had been through this four times with Kathy; he knew the rules and quickly had to remind himself, just barely escaping. "How about we go for lunch and drop the shopping until later?"

"Good, I'm starving!" She said, digging into her purse on the way out "I know I have a candy bar in here…"

...

"She nearly took my head off!" Elliot recounted the tale to Fin, Fin in tears. "Glad you find this funny."

"And you don't? Ah man Stabler, you don't ever comment on what a pregnant woman eats, I thought you knew that" he said, his laughter starting to calm.

"Yeah well, three years away, you forget!"

"So where is lil momma?"

"At her apartment taking a nap. Listen, I wanted to ask you, I'm going to DC again tomorrow…"

"Say no more, I got it."

"Thanks man, I better get goin; I just left to get snacks and she'll be up soon." Fin laughed just then Darrell came out of the interrogation room.

"That dude is not budgin!" He was working out a kink in his neck and looking annoyed when he pulled his phone from his pocket and saw that it was Bronwyn… Again!

"Lemme take a crack at him!" Fin was rubbing his hands together before he interwove his fingers and cracked his knuckles. "I'll catch you later, Stabler."

"You must be Elliot." Darrell smiled as he greeted him, hand outstretched. Elliot cautiously took it and shook.

"That's what my drivers license tells me. Uh, Collins, right?"

"Yeah"

"Yeah. Well I gotta go...nice meeting you!" As he turned to leave, Elliot had a feeling about Darrell; an off feeling though he didn't know why.

"You too." Darrell said just as his phone rang again. He knew that it was Bronwyn before he looked at the screen and slipped the phone back into his pocket, deciding that he'd ignore it. Maybe he should just go ahead and quit, right now- especially after what happened with Amanda…

"You can't think about that, Darrell!" He said to himself, then, in a more somber tone: "But if you don't, then it all falls apart!" He reminded himself, not that he could ever forget. Bronwyn had him at a standstill. It was either do as she wanted or face the consequences and the consequences, he decided were too great he thought, twisting his water bottle till it just about popped then slammed it into the trash and ran his hands down his face all while Nick watched from afar.

Now he was worried.

* * *

Two days before Olivia was all set to move into Elliot's and he was again away in DC. Thankfully Nick was there when Fin had an emergency, he had the night off and was able to spend it at her place. She didn't know what it was but lately she didn't like being alone and was thankful for the company. For him it served a double purpose; it was for him the upside to not having Zara around. As much as he missed her, he found solace in being able to be here for Olivia.

He looked over at her as she came out of her room. She was only wearing pajamas with her hair pulled back in a loose ponytail, it had grown so long over the last few months and he thought that she looked beautiful. She just had a look of happiness about her in spite of how tired she looked and he knew how big that was for her.

"I'm sorry" He apologized "is the TV too loud?" He was lounging on the sofa watching the game when she came down the hall.

"No, no. Actually I didn't know you'd be up; I was just gonna get a snack from the kitchen and head back to my room."

"You could always hit up these." he said, chewing on a wing.

"Yeah no; I eat those wings and I'll be in labor tonight!" She laughed.

"Come on, they're not that hot!"

"Says you, I can smell it from here!" She said with a hand on her belly; the baby suddenly kicking like crazy. "Looks like somebody's up"

"That's because she wants wings!" He grinned. She shook her head at him and laughed, continuing on her way to the kitchen.

"Suit yourself!" He called after her.

"I will!"

He still loved her; probably always would but things were different now. He knew that they would be the minute she woke up in that hospital and he'd seen the look in her eyes; then when her old partner returned... but he wasn't angry. He'd known that she'd eventually have someone in her life, he was just thankful that it wasn't Brian...he didn't know if he could handle that again, especially knowing what that jerk had done with Amanda!

Standing there in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open, Olivia was deciding what to get out when…

"Remember that time when Harlan brought you to that basement the first time? My god, you took dicks and hands and other things just everywhere! All night long...man, those were good times!" Doc smiled from the refrigerator door causing her to freeze and drop the ice cream container she was holding.

"Oh, but then you came a lot more for us over those nights, didn't you, whore? You know, even when you were all sweaty you were still the sweetest pussy I ever tasted!"

"You're not here!" She cried in a whisper, heart pounding and backing away as Nick came running into the kitchen.

"Liv...you okay?" She looked around in a daze and saw that Doc was no longer there.

"He… he's right there, I…" She pointed, terrified.

"Who is?" When she looked around the kitchen again, as her senses came back to her, she felt foolish but was obviously distressed.

"Doc…" She cried. "He was righ…"

"Liv, no one's here!" He said as he picked up the ice cream and and sat it on the counter then slowly put his hands on her back. "It's just me" She turned to him suddenly, scared and throwing her arms around him, hugging him tightly as tears fell from her eyes.

It's okay; you're alright!" He soothed but she couldn't stop crying. This had been the first time she'd had one of these visits in months and the first time she'd seen someone other than William.

"Come on now honey, you can do better than that!" He said but something was off; his voice, and when she felt his hands caressing her from behind, making their way under her shirt as she tried to get away….

"Nick…" But his hands kept going, tightening and caressing the skin of her back though her shirt, slowly making their way around to her breasts. "Nick please; stop it!" She cried as she fought against him.

"Don't worry bout it baby, we'll get the boys over soon and really have a party!" He said and pulled back smiling, only it wasn't Nick, it was Doc again!

"You're dead!"

"Olivia…? Liv" Nick called.

"Don't touch me!" She cried, backing away. Nick, knowing what this was, she was caught in the throes of something pertaining to the rape and he proceeded carefully.

"Liv, it's just me!" He uttered softly, keeping his distance "I promise, you're safe!" As she stood against the wall in tears, his heart wept to see her like this and his eyes started to water but he didn't dare cry. Suddenly she came out of it; disoriented and scared.

"Nick?" He looked at her, she was glossy eyed and frightened as she stood there against the wall. She suddenly didn't trust anything around her.

"It's just me, Liv. I promise!"

"But Doc… He was you; he was…" then, as she started to come back to her senses... "oh god, I'm sorry. I thought…" she cried.

"It's okay." He said as he slowly reached out and laid his hands on her. "You're just tired, that's all!"

"I...I'm gonna go back to my room, I…" She was obviously still shaken as she turned to go back.

"Why don't you sit down a second?"

"No, I'm just…" She started to argue then suddenly hurried to her room where she locked the door and stood against it, crying silently.

This had to be over; they could stand in court and admit what they did to her, it was one day and it would be over...right?

* * *

**Stay tuned.**


	39. Let's Take A Trip

**Here we are, another chapter. This one is shorter but it really didn't need anything else so here we go. Dick Wolf owns, enjoy!**

* * *

.

That night she lay awake, her mind so clouded she could barely get a clear thought through. She knew that tomorrow one thing was definite; she would call DA Raymond and tell her that the plea deals were a go. That she would sit in a courtroom and listen as all 15 of those men, one after the other told the judge, the lawyers and more importantly, _her_ parts of what she had been trying so hard these last few months to forget, how they gang raped her on two separate occasions and she wondered where the other nine men were and if they would ever be found.

She could remember the first time she was taken down to that basement; to that room. The way they all pounced on her, their hands pulling at her from every direction, touching her most intimate places then pulling her down on that bed…

She'd tried to fight them; tried with everything she had but in the end… She remembered late that day when Harlan came after forcing her all morning, he made an announcement that they were going downstairs.

"_Hey darlin, miss me?" She sat there in the corner, her knees drawn to her chest and unresponsive, but the moment she saw him enter the room she shuffled to her feet, stammering. She was still quite sick from the pregnancy which she was still denying and was quite dizzy. "Guess what?"_

_She turned her eyes and looked at him with such hatred but didn't say a word while tears made their way down her face. She took a step back as he took two forward, leering at her with an evil snarl on his face; staring at the gown she wore. It hung down off one of her shoulders and when she noticed him looking she wished to god that she'd taken a moment to fix it when she noticed his hand coming toward her and touching her skin._

"_Still so soft!" He said as she fought not to vomit. His touch would make her ill no matter how long he had her here she thought as his hand then went from her shoulder, coiling in her hair. "Well, since you wonderin, you and me, we goin downstairs. He Said as he took his hand away. _

"_Thought I'd let you get out of this room." Except now she couldn't help but be suspicious. He hadn't let her out in weeks, not since she escaped and she had to wonder why now. _

"_Why?" She asked, feeling anxious and taking a few more steps back. He smiled that smile and took a few more steps forward and reached out to touch her. "Don't…" she cried before she felt him slap her._

"_You don't question me, and second darlin, you still ain't learned that I, Immo touch you like I wanna!" He sneered as she bit back her tears and he felt her stomach through her gown. " I sure hope Junior's sleepin!" He said before letting his hands travel up and roughly squeezing her breasts through the gown, harshly pulling at her nipples. She stood there, more tears streaming her face as she felt his hand between her legs._

"_Harlan please; I don't feel g-" But before she'd finished speaking, his hand came across her face again, hard this time and knocked her down onto the floor where she began bleeding._

"_You still need teachin I see" He spat, undoing his belt while she tried to get up, blood trailing her nose and lip. Quickly he whipped off the thick leather strap, cracking it in the air and when it came down across her back, she let out the beginnings of a scream but quickly found that it was either that or catch her breath. She chose to breathe, or at least try to. The pain was so bad, it shocked her. The belt had cut into her tender flesh and although she knew she shouldn't cry, she couldn't help the tears that came to her eyes and fell as the blood poured down her back. She didn't have time to fully process it before the belt came down again, this time landing on her side when she struggled to get away. Again the pain shocking her._

_Minutes went by that seemed like hours where he whipped her mercilessly and when he was done, she just lay there curled up in a ball, her gown practically ripped from her body and her quiet cries causing her to shake uncontrollably._

"_You damn women; gotta treat ya like children! And I had hoped to take you downstairs fresh...you get yerself cleaned up and when I come back I don't wanna be questioned, you understand?" He yelled as he grabbed her hair, a 'yes' barely heard through her cries. __She could still remember the way the belt stung like hell when it cracked against her skin and left welts forming with every hit; how she cried when she got into that shower. Just having the water touch her was like torture and she sat there and just sobbed hysterically thinking she had hit her lowest._

_She had no idea. _

_When he came back a half hour later, he led her out of that room for the first time and she walked along, broken and bruised and offered no fight, he had beaten it out of her. She had no idea what awaited her in the basement..._

She wiped away her tears that had begun falling as the memory went through her head; not that she'd ever forget it. She swallowed hard as her hands immediately flew to her baby that was kicking up a storm as she slowly sat up. "I thought you were sleeping…" She suddenly said "At least one of us was." As she caressed her belly, a calm feeling washing over her. Serena had that effect and she was so thankful for it as she felt her daughter moving inside her, so safe beneath her hands. Suddenly she seemed to forget what was weighing her down and was able to focus on Serena.

"You don't even know it but you give me so much strength, little one!" She sighed as Serena continued kicking her, letting her know in her own way that no matter what, she was here and Olivia knew that as she listened to the sound of the wind that was blowing terribly outside the window.

"Olivia, you okay?" She heard Nick ask as he knocked softly on the door and she shook her head. Two hours later and he was still checking on her, even came in to leave her some food an hour ago when she just lay there.

Even though she couldn't talk to him because she knew if she did that she would lose it, right now she also knew that she needed somebody. She couldn't bottle it up, it wasn't good for her and it wasn't good for Serena.

"I'm fine she called through the door with not much conviction. Nick could hear it and wanted so much to fix it all, but he couldn't and that was what made him want to hit something.

"Liv can I come in?" He asked, still through the closed door. It was a long moment before her answer came back. A yes that he didn't hesitate against and opened the door, stepping inside the room.

"I brought you some chamomile tea...I heard it's good for calming…" He said as he carefully handed her the mug.

"Thanks Nick."

"You sure you're okay?" He asked as she sipped the tea then put it on the nightstand.

"Trust me. I'm fine, I just… Could you not mention this to anyone? I don't…"

"Liv, it's alright."

"It's not but thank you...I just can't deal with everyone asking me questions."

"It's cool; it'll stay between us but you need to tell me. What happened? You haven't had an episode in months; do I need to be worried?"

"No." She had tears coming out of her eyes and tried to smile through them but they kept coming. "I'm sorry!" She wiped her tears with the back of her hand just as Nick handed her two tissues and she thanked him. He sat down beside her and held her while she cried.

"What is it, Liv?" It wasn't until her tears had lightened up that she tried to talk about it, her hand on her stomach as she gathered up the courage.

"I; Fin knows, and now Elliot. I couldn't handle telling anyone else but you're gonna find out."

"Find out what?" Olivia didn't say things like that lightly so he knew it must be bad.

She kept her head down, and nervously running her hands over her stomach, trying to find the words. "When...I was missing...and I was in that house. Harlan; he took a lot of pleasure in knowing just how much he could hurt me; humiliate me even worse than his son ever could and he succeeded…"

Nick sat there and listened as she told him about the gang rapes, the men involved, the ones that they'd caught, the call from the prosecutor and her acceptance of the plea deal that she'd call tomorrow and tell the DA that she was accepting. She told him everything and though he tried, he couldn't hold back his tears. Part of him wished that he'd never asked but an even bigger part was glad that he now knew.

Still, an even bigger part still was wishing to god that he could somehow have five minutes alone with Harlan… If only he'd known that the creep wasn't in the grave, but right downstairs in Bronwyn's car, looking up at the apartment and jerking off!

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**See y'all next time!**


	40. Closer

**My 40th chapter, congrats to me! Anyway, Dick Wolf owns. Enjoy!**

* * *

.

Since she uncovered those documents she's been silent, just stunned into quiet. She hasn't stalked Harlan or even called to check on him, nor has she checked on Olivia although she hasn't stopped thinking about her. Instead she's just been moping around the giant house where she found those papers, trying to understand how the information could be true; she looked through family photos; the one above the mantle in the family room, her mother was pregnant, she carried her. Every picture she can find during that time says so so why were these documents saying otherwise?

Over the last three days, she tried having a séance to ask her parents what it all meant but the woman she hired to conduct it couldn't get a connection to them. She then called a medium who could talk to the dead but quickly found him to be a liar when he said that her father had died in a car accident. Finally she got fed up and tried a Oujda board like the one she would use to talk to William but again, nothing. Her parents must be unreachable for whatever reason, she thought and she went back to moping around the house.

This morning however, she decided to call Marilyn. Why hadn't she thought of it before? Marilyn Binks had worked closely with her parents since 1980 and if there were secrets, she knew them.

When Bronwyn called and ordered her to come to her parents house, Marilyn was surprised that Bronwyn was even there and when she showed up some time later, Bronwyn wasted no time.

"Tell me what you know about these documents!" She said upon returning from upstairs where she checked on her baby who was in the nursery. She handed them to Marilyn who immediately went silent upon seeing them.

"Where did you get these?" Marilyn asked.

"Never mind where I got them, tell me what you know!"

"I don't know anything!"

"Don't lie to me! I found those with my father's things; in a lockbox so they definitely mean something. Now you tell me, am I adopted and who is this Johnnie Lee Floyd?" She asked.

"Bronwyn; you have a hearing coming up. This is ridiculous-"

"It is not, and you will not bully me into silence. Now I will ask you for the last time; what do these papers mean?"

Marilyn was quiet for a moment during which she sat down and crossed her legs. Ever the lady, she was always reserved.

"You're parents tried for years to get pregnant; there was even a miscarriage in 1981 and finally, they gave up trying and decided that they were enough for each other. Then in '83 your mother met Johnnie Lee. She came here to work as a maid but she was pregnant and desperate, she was in trouble and couldn't keep you."

"So she gave me up." She whispered, more for herself than for anyone to hear. Suddenly the picture in the lockbox making sense; the beautiful woman in the picture, was her birth mother.

"She gave you a chance! Johnnie Lee was a disadvantaged woman with no skills, no smarts, nothing to offer you and she knew it. That's why she gave you up."

"And my mother, Hughette. Her pregnancy?" Though she already knew the answer but she needed to hear it.

"She faked it…" Bronwyn got up from where she sat on the settee and went to the window where she could cry. Marilyn suddenly felt sorry for her and got up, coming over and offering her a hand and a tissue. "Bronwyn, try to understand, Johnnie Lee was afraid for life, she was afraid for you; she begged your mother to do this, to go along with faking a pregnancy so there would be no suspicions."

"Of what?"

"What?"

"You said 'she was afraid for her life and begged my mother to fake a pregnancy so there would be no suspicions' ...suspicions of what and by whom?"

"I…"

"Will you stop it?" She yelled, turning away from the window and towards Marilyn. "Don't lie to me!" Marilyn, deciding it's best to just come clean, walked the room still struggling with it and with tears in her eyes began to speak.

"Your mo- Johnnie Lee, she was an abused woman and when she found out that she was pregnant, she ran, came to New York and met your mother and father. She didn't want to risk your father ever finding either of you..."

"Who was he?" It was a question that Marilyn hadn't been prepared for; not that she had been prepared for any of today but for Bronwyn to ask _this_ question.

"Why is that important?"

"You know don't you?"

"No, I don't!" she yelled. "I know exactly what was told to us; what Johnnie Lee wanted us to know and nothing more."

"I don't believe you!"

"It's the truth! And another truth; I was not the one who handled the adoption, my father was!"

"How convenient being that he isn't here anymore!"

"Can't win them all, can you? Now I've told you everything I know…" She said but Bronwyn appeared to not be paying attention. "Bronwyn?"

"I heard you." But it came calmly; too calm for the woman who was practically hysterical moments ago.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Like you said, can't win them all, right? By the way, I'll be moving in here permanently...you can go now!" Marilyn stood, stunned at Bronwyn's sudden turnaround but just as quickly decided that she didn't want to be anywhere near this house right now and was more than happy to go.

"Come to my office, there are things we have to discuss for the hearing. I'll call you when I'm free." She said, quickly gathered her things and left.

Maybe this daddy thing could bring some joy if Marilyn used it in the right way. And what better joy than getting off scot-free?

* * *

"Did you see the paper this morning? They're already making her out to be some distressed heroine, it makes me sick!" Fin spat. The Ledger was two full pages discussing the upcoming trial and according to them, Bronwyn was a hero.

"_She's a hero... Risked her life to save the Sergeant!_" Nick was sick about it. "Just imagine if they knew what really happened or that Harlan was her father. They already think she's this saviour, they'd give her a fuckin medal!"

"If they knew he was her father, they'd just make it a torture story and she'd be the victim, _oh, she didn't know._ Meanwhile, Liv is suffering from what that bitch didn't know."

"Hopefully they find out in the trial."

"Let's hope, but listen, I gotta go" He said, with Murphy trying to get his attention "Murphy's callin"

"Okay, well Elliot should be here soon so I'll see you in a bit!" He ended the call only to turn around and find Liv standing there by the kitchen. "Liv...hey, I didn't hear you come…"

"I had to pee...who were you talking to?"

"Just Fin"

"you said Harlan is her father, who? Whose father is he?"

"Liv, I didn't mean for you to-"

"Nick, please... Whose father is he?"

Nick looked away for a moment and then back at Olivia. "Bronwyn"

"Freed?!" Olivia was obviously floored.

"Apparently, she doesn't know it but..." Olivia stood there rubbing her belly.

"I think I need to sit down!" she said as she moved to sit on the sofa with Nick's help.

"Are you…?"

"I'm okay, I just…" She took in a deep breath in through her nose. "Bronwyn is Harlan's daughter? That nutjob is that monster's kid?" Nick noticed that there were tears in her eyes.

"Liv?"

"What does that mean for _my _daughter? Three for three and they're all crazy!"

"It doesn't mean…"

"It doesn't mean she won't be! William, Harlan and now Bronwyn? Nick, she wasn't raised by them, she didn't know them but somehow she found her way to them! What if my baby grows up…"

"Liv stop it! She won't okay? She won't."

"You don't know that."

"And neither do you. Liv, she's her own person" he said with his hands on her belly. "She's not William or Bronwyn or Harlan… Tell mommy that you resent the implications!" He said to the baby who gave several kicks beneath his palms.

"See" This made Olivia laugh briefly though her tears before she got up and went back to her room. "Liv don't shu-" but she had already closed the door.

Once inside and still crying, she put her arms around her baby and held her tight. "I wanted better for you!"

_"Liv...I; have you...thought about this baby; could she be mine?"_

She heard his voice so clear again but she knew she couldn't put herself through the heartache. It was why she had the doctor seal the paternity results in an envelope almost two weeks ago instead of reading it to her; she couldn't face it, even with this news about Bronwyn. If she opened it… She quickly put the envelope back down on the dresser. She just wasn't ready.

"We'll be alright" she told her baby in a whisper as she lovingly caressed her and in tears. "I promise!"

* * *

Later that evening at the restaurant…

"She's better some days, some days not so much but we're all trying to keep her spirits up… Easier said than done, Cap. You know what would be good for her is if you could come down… I sure wish you could. I will, I will. Okay Cap, take care!" Elliot said before he ended the call and put the phone back in his pocket, just as Olivia came back to the table. He got up to pull her chair out, smiling at how beautiful she looked, wearing nothing special just a simple white shirt and a pair of jeans but she was gorgeous nonetheless.

"What?"

"Nothing" he said taking his seat "you just look beautiful"

"Please, I'm seven and a half months pregnant and fifty pounds heavier!" She said with her hand resting on her belly.

"And you're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." She let her head drop and smiled.

"Thanks El!"

"What's wrong?"

"Who said anything's wrong?" She asked as she put a forkful of pasta in her mouth.

"You did from the moment I walked in the door today. What is it?" She swallowed her food and took a moment to sip her water before answering."

"I just… I found out something about Bronwyn that I'm having a hard time processing. Harlan, he's her father."

"I...knew that." He said though now, looking back he was suddenly remorseful that he didn't tell her when he saw her drop her napkin into her plate.

"Did everybody know except me?"

"It wasn't like that Liv; we just decided that now wouldn't be the right time to tell you!"

"And when exactly would be the right time? You know what? I'm tired, take me home!"

"Liv…"

"Now!"

* * *

The next morning and Olivia was in bed, still asleep when she was awakened by the bell ringing at the front door.

She opened her eyes, dreading getting up. She was so comfortable right now and she really didn't want to move…

"El…" She called, then just as quickly realized that he had left for the day. She let out a sigh and lay there for another moment before she forced herself to get up; not an easy feat with her belly being so big and throwing off her equilibrium but she finally shuffled to her feet and headed for the door, scratching her itchy belly through her shirt and yawning as she made her way through the living room.

It was a minute before she made it to the door, the ringing now more insistent.

"Hold on, almost there!" She called and finally reached the door. "What'd you, forget your key?" She asked as she undid the locks and opened the door.

"Surprised to see me?" Harlan said. He grabbed her before she could scream and pushed his way inside, slamming the door behind him.

She woke up and nearly jumped out of her skin, sweat on her brow, gasping after a slight scream escaped her. Surprised to see that it was morning.

"Olivia…?" Elliot called from the hall outside her room.

"I'm, I'm okay" she said, her breathing labored, looking around the room.

"Are you sure? I heard you scre…"

"Yeah, I just...I thought I'll be out in soon!" She said, reaching for her belly to calm Serena while her tears flowed though she tried not to cry them. Elliot stood at her door.

"If you're okay…"

"I am." She said cutting him off and trying to keep her tears at bay. "I'll be out soon." She repeated.

...

Coming into the kitchen where Elliot was, she came around to sit at the counter. She was obviously tired, having gotten hardly any sleep last night and Elliot could see it as he put her tea mug in front of her and filled it with boiling water from the kettle.

"Thank you" she said just above a whisper. Staring down at her cup.

"Good morning...or should I say?" Elliot asked. He knew that she'd had a rough night but he tried to get her talking anyway but she wouldn't. Instead she held her tea mug in her hands and watched the seeping liquid inside as she let it swirl around. Tears coming to her eyes but she didn't cry them. Elliot watched her as he stood there on the other side of the room by the stove.

"I'm just a little tired."

"Liv..."

"Elliot don't! I'm okay!"

"You're not okay… I wish you'd talk to me."

"I just wanna be left alone, that's all; can you understand that?" She said as she got up.

"Olivia, I'm sorry about-"

"It's not that."

"Then…?"

"I saw him."

"Is that what you were dreaming about?" She got quiet, sitting back down.

"I saw him, El. He was here, in this apartment!" She whispered through her tears, shaking. She couldn't tell him that this dream had been one of many episodes she'd had where she'd seen the men who'd raped her but she was just as shaken.

"Come here" he said and held her. "It was just a dream, that's all. Just a dream. You're safe."

But was she?

* * *

"So do you tell her today about your plan that you haven't even told us about?" Kevin asked Marilyn, wondering where they were going today.

"No, and be sure that you both keep it quiet. I won't be using that tactic until it's necessary." Marilyn said just as Bronwyn arrived at her office.

"Hello Kevin; David. Im sorry Marilyn but I got here as soon as I could. You want to tell me why you all couldn't just come out to the house?" Bronwyn said as she sat down at the conference table in Marilyn's office after she parked the stroller by the leather sofa.

Kevin Logan and David Pierce, her other lawyers on the case were already gathered at the table and looked at Marilyn for an answer to Bronwyn's question.

"Time" Marilyn answered and quickly changed the subject, annoyed that Bronwyn brought the jar to this meeting but deciding to ignore it as she instructed her colleagues to do as well. "Now if we're all ready, we can get down to business.

* * *

The movers had taken the last of the furniture to put in storage and moved to Elliot's what she was taking with her, mainly just boxes, and now that the place was empty and she stood in the living room silently saying one last goodbye, it was bittersweet. She'd had some good times here, _bad ones too_ she thought as she gently stroked her ever growing belly. It had become a habit and she briefly wondered what she would do about it when Serena came and giggled to herself; delighted that the baby seemed to be sleeping.

"_Ohhh you fuckin bitch! Give it to daddy!" He yelled before he came, first inside her then pulled out and emptied the rest on her face while another took his place ready to enter, slamming into her as she pulled at the ropes that tied her arms and legs down and cried. She wished she would die._

"Hey, the car is ready." Elliot suddenly appeared through the open front door, scaring her and she turned from where she stood at the window.

She tried to steady her breathing with Serena now actively moving, her hand moving up and down attempting to calm her. "It's okay, Elliot just caught us off guard." She said softly to the baby causing Elliot to smile.

"I'm sorry, Liv. I didn't mean…"

"It's okay, actually" she said, wiping her tears. "I'm glad you came back up." And she took a folded envelope from her back pocket, handing it to him.

"What's this?"

"The paternity test results...I've been holding on to them for a long time, afraid to look, afraid...would you read them?"

"Now?"

"I have six days before I have to go to that sentencing and see those men again. I have to sit there and try not to think about their hands; their bodies all over me while they sit and tell me and the court _how sorry_ they are when the truth is, the only thing they'll be sorry about is the fact that they got caught… If there's anything that can give me some hope…"

"You sure?"

"Gotta face it sometime, right?"

"Right!" He said, sounding unsure if this was what she wanted. He already knew what could happen if the test told her what she already believed and he wanted to spare her that but at the same time, he knew that he couldn't and with this in mind, he opened the envelope and took the paper out and read it to himself while she stood there. Finally, she got tired of waiting for him to say.

"El?"

"It's inconclusive" He handed her the paper. She looked at him and then at the paper in her hands.

"Liv, this doesn't mean..." She was silent and blinked back more tears as she read the results.

"Can you take me out of here? Can we go? I just...can we go?" She said as she headed for the door. Elliot stood there momentarily and took a deep breath, dragging a hand down his face before he followed her.

* * *

**.**

**More to come.**


	41. 1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back

**41, let's go. Dick Wolf owns, enjoy.**

* * *

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That Saturday...

"You're not dressed." Elliot said as he came back from the gym to find Olivia in tights, a tank top and a sweater sitting on the couch with no shoes, folding baby clothes.

"I started to but then when I came from the shower I decided that I really didn't feel like going so I…"

"...thought you'd wash Serena's clothes?" Elliot finished.

"The blankets and onesies...and socks." She said quietly, looking away.

"Liv, what's this about?" He asked as he took a seat in the chair and she continued folding.

"It's nothing okay? With the sentencing and the- I just don't wanna celebrate."

"Look, I won't push it but I think you could use a break and I think it'll be good for you. You've been moping around for two days driving yourself crazy over that paternity test and the hearing."

"I didn't say anything about the paternity test"

"You haven't, which is how I know that it's making you crazy."

"It's not the test itself that's making me crazy; it's the fact that another's been added to the Lewis bunch and she's just as crazy as her brother and father and I just…what about my daughter?" She said with her hand in her belly. "I'm scared for her."

"I know"

"Harlan's sample was too degraded to give a definite result and I can't seem to reach Brian. Now that I've opened the door, El I need to know for sure."

"And you will. We'll get Brian whenever he turns up. But in the meantime, please; come with me. Let's just celebrate your birthday and forget about everything else. You deserve that today! Come on."She thought about it for a moment, deciding that he was right.

"Okay." She said, giving in.

"Alright. You go get dressed." He pulled her up from the couch. "Give me 10 minutes for a shower, 5 to get dressed and then I'll write a quick novel while I'm waiting on you." He joked.

"Did I ever tell you how funny you are?"

"No"

"And you think you'd take a hint!" She smiled and picked up the laundry basket before heading off to her room while he stood there grinning.

...

"Surprise!" Nick, Fin, Amanda and Rafael yelled as Olivia, followed by Elliot made her way to the table in the restaurant. She couldn't help but protest.

"Thank you, all of you but I told you guys, I don't want anything for my birthday." She said as Elliot pulled out her chair and she sat down.

"No way, baby girl. You came through a hell of a lot this past year; we gotta celebrate even if it's a little somethin; Happy Birthday!"

"'That's right, Happy Birthday Liv!" Nick said, all of them feeling a sense of genuine gratitude that she was there to be able to celebrate another year.

* * *

Later at the house, after the squad had come back to celebrate, it reached 6:30 and everyone said goodnight and left. Leaving Olivia, as she returned from the door after seeing Amanda off looking at a living room _full_ of gifts from the entire squad that had gathered while Fin excused himself from lunch, pretending he had to go but then really did before the party was over.

"I can't believe they all came!" She said to herself teary eyed, sitting in the midst of all the gifts.

"Are those tears?" Nick teased, coming out of the kitchen.

"No…" She said, trying to control them. "And shut up!" She joked. Nick laughed.

"Well, the mess is officially tackled!" He said.

"I could've helped" Olivia offered again.

"No you couldn't have; it's your birthday and you're pregnant. Alright, I'm gonna go, I gotta get down to DC tonight." Nick said as he grabbed his coat.

"Say hi to Zara for me."

"I will."

"Oh, before I forget" He took the gift box from his pocket and handed it to her. "I got you a little somethin."

"You already gave me a present."

"That was for Serena, this is for you! Happy Birthday Liv!" He kissed her on the cheek before he went to the door.. "Say goodbye to Elliot for me."

"I will." He had just left when Elliot came from the backyard.

"Nick leave?"

"Yeah" She struggled and finally made it up from the couch "He said to tell you goodbye."

"How sweet"

"Well; I'm gonna grab a shower and go to bed!"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, just tired. In case I don't see you before you go in the morning… Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight Liv." She started walking off to her room when suddenly she stopped and turned around.

"El"

"Yeah?"

When I was in the hospital last…when you said; well you didn't actually _say_ you sort of implied that…did you mean it?"

"Mean what?" Now she had a confused look about her. Had she imagined the conversation they'd had in her hospital room? Maybe she'd just, no but he couldn't have, she couldn't have; could she?

"You… Well I thought…nothing, Goodnight El." And she turned to go to her room. Elliot had watched turn away but he quickly had enough of teasing her and called to her.

"Olivia"

She paused where she was and turned around again. Elliot got closer and she got nervous, not only because of his proximity but because of what he might say and suddenly her voice dropped.

"Yeah?" before she had the time to think, he leaned in and lifted her chin, looking into her eyes and then he kissed her lips; tender and passionately, taking his time to kiss her, taste her lips. He wrapped her in his arms and gently pushed against her lips with his tongue asking for entrance and she surprised herself when she opened to let him in. When he finally pulled back and attempted to let her go, she was dazed and held on to him.

"I do love you Liv, every part of me and I don't want you to ever question that… I love you." and with that, he kissed he cheek, lingering there for a moment. "Get some sleep, you've had a long day."

"Yeah, I…" She stammered. "Goodnight El!"

...

When she got back to her room and closed the door she smiled as she stood against it, her hand to her lips and for a moment, she didn't think about anything except that kiss until she undressed for the shower and suddenly the scars Harlan had given her served as a reminder.

"_No man can love a filthy whore like you; don't ever forget it!" _she heard Harlan's voice say.

* * *

Sunday...

"So how are you likin it at Elliot's so far?" He said as they were waiting in traffic for the light to turn green.

"It's fine." She said and took a drink from her tea. "By the way, you got called away before I could open them yesterday; the stroller and cradle, and the rocker. They're beautiful Fin, thank you."

"You don't have to thank me. Just makin sure that this little one has the best."

"You're gonna spoil her." She smiled, her hand rubbing her lower belly.

"That's what uncle Fin is for." He said and took a bite of his food and Olivia sat, looking out of the window of the SUV. They had gone out to breakfast following her doctor's appointment and so far, other than her ordering her meal, this was the most he'd heard from her since they left the place. "...I thought you'd be happier, at least today. You got a clean bill of health…" He smiled. The light turned green finally and he began driving.

"I am, I just have a lot on my mind; I'm sorry." she said, still not sharing the news about the paternity test since Elliot was the only one who knew about it, and she wasn't up for talking about the visits she's been having though they've been in her mind.

"Don't apologize." He said and squeezed her hand. She smiled for a moment before it faded. "The trial?"

"Yeah" It came quietly as she took another sip of her tea.

"I know that this is hard for you; I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through but I'm here and I'm gonna be right there, we all are to give you our love and support!" He put on the turning signal and went right.

"I appreciate that" She said with a smile. Even if she wasn't so sure whether she wanted them there, knowing that she had their backing meant the the world to her. "Between that and this mess with Bronwyn…"

Liv, you gotta believe me when I say how sorry we are. You have to know that none of us meant to keep it from you, we just didn't think that you could handle it with everything else going on."

"I know, Fin; well now I do. I've just been a little...a lot crazy trying to wrap my head around it, I mean how can that be? With everything else that could come from… She was William's sister, in love with her own brother; married her father. I've tried to deal with it and let it go but it's hard you know?"

"I do"

"I've got Serena coming soon" she said rubbing her stomach "and now I'm just wondering more than ever if I did the right thing by having her, Fin; what if she's like them?"

"Liv"

"I don't wanna responsible for that."

"Responsible for what?"

"For making her a victim to her DNA!" Another right.

"You can't believe that!"

"Why not? Bronwyn is a prime example..."

"And so are you! Liv, you gotta trust that sometimes things will work in your favor!"

"It didn't for Bronwyn… Am I wrong to feel sorry for her because she was a victim in this too in more ways than she knew?"

"I don't think you're wrong at all. I wouldn't think you were you if you didn't."

"I mean, it shouldn't matter. She helped keep me locked in that house for weeks, she saw what they did to me and she just looked away." Her voice was low and calm, betraying the emotions she felt inside. "...and here I am feeling sorry for her; what does that make me?"

"I think it makes you human."

"Yeah, well I think it makes me crazy!"

"Liv, you know one thing I always admired about you? Your empathy; it's what made you a good person and what makes you a hell of a cop!"

"You said _makes"_

"That's cuz I believe you got a lot more saving to do! You haven't told the commissioner no, and I think that's cuz you know it too!"

"Do I?" She wondered. Fin sat thinking for a moment and when he thought of something that he saw as a good idea.

"You up to go somewhere before we head home? Elliot's gonna be at church with Eli and Kathy for a bit longer."

"Where?"

"Just trust me!" He said, turning the car left.

...

Twenty minutes later they pulled up in front of tthe precinct and she nearly froze at first. Fin managed to convince her to come down to the station with him, feeling that she'd been out of touch with the job, he had hoped that maybe she'd see that she missed it enough to return; maybe if not to SVU then to another division but the point was to get her here first. She was hesitant at first but agreed after some pleading and now that they were in the building, she began feeling anxious.

"Why did I agree to do this? I haven't been here in almost eight months!" She said. They were on the elevator ride up and the anxiety was building even more and she didn't know why, she just knew that she wanted to run.

"It's just your nerves baby girl, relax. Did you see the way you were greeted downstairs? They miss you around here, and I know your squad'll be just as welcoming."

"My squad...it's like you're speaking a foreign language when you say that!" Her hand was flying nervously over her belly to calm the baby and she wished that something would come up to take her out of here. How is it that she had come to feel so out of place in what once felt like home?

Inside the squad room, Murphy was coming out of the office.

"Collins, you and Rollins I need you both to get to Barba's office." He said as the doors to the squad room opened.

"Sergeant!" Amanda said, surprised to see her in the squadroom "what are you doing here? Collins, come here, I want you to meet someone."

"I'm asking myself that question to be honest!" Olivia said as she undid her coat.

"It's good to see you" Murphy said. "Thinkin about comin back?"

"Not just yet" she said and ran nervous hands over her belly. Collins stood back before Amanda pulled him over to meet Olivia. He couldn't stop staring at her; his eyes going over her and settling on her stomach and he began feeling subsequently ill.

"Darrell Collins. Hello." He said putting his hand out to shake, Murphy, Rollins and Fin all went quiet while Olivia stared at his hand, not shaking it.

"It's nice to meet you Collins!" She said, looking over at Fin.

* * *

By the time Olivia and Fin left a half hour later, Darrell was a mess inside even if he couldn't let anybody see it. All the way down to Barba's office and all through the meeting his mind was in two places even more than it had been.

She was somewhat standoffish, kept close to Tutuola but he could understand why. With all he'd read about her rape and everything that had happened to her, it was a miracle that she was even there; she'd come through so much and even with all of it, she'd still managed to appear friendly. There was no way this woman was the devil that Bronwyn was making her out to be.

"Why did you insist on meeting me in Brooklyn?" Bronwyn asked as she removed her coat, draped it over the chair and sat.

"I work in Manhattan, couldn't risk being seen there." He was trying to be nonchalant in staring at what he assumed to be a baby as he looked over his menu but Bronwyn made it difficult with the way she fawned over it in the stroller by the table. She checked the baby, fussing with its blankets before she turned to Darrell and picked up her menu.

"So, you do have a baby?"

"Yes, this is Harlan Carlton." She said without turning the stroller around so that Darrell could take a look. "What was so important that we had to meet up? Have you news about Olivia?" He did. When he and Amanda were released from their meeting with Barba, he told her that there was something important he had to do and hopped on the subway after he kissed her goodbye in the elevator and he came straight to Brooklyn after making a call on the way.

"...speaking of; I don't understand, if you have a baby already, what do you want with Olivia's?"

"She owes me."

"Her baby?"

"It's complicated" She said and stopped to give the waitress her order when she came over. Darrell sat for a moment, telling her that he'll have nothing when the waitress asked him what he'll be having and then waited until she was long gone before turning back to Bronwyn.

"No, it's illegal is what it is."

"Who's side are you on, Darrell, or need I remind you..."

"No, no need to remind me"

"Good. How's it coming by the way?"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."

"What is it this time?"

"I met her today!"

"...and?"

"And?" He repeated angrily then lowered his voice as he looked around. "From what I could see, she loves that baby so what's the deal with the kid?"

"It's my husband's… Late husband but it's all I have of him." She lied. Darrell sat back in his chair, cracking his knuckles slowly and steadying his breathing.

"And what happens to her after, huh? She delivers that baby and what are you going to do to her?"

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean '_what do I mean?' _What are you planning?"

"Why?" She asked so innocently.

"I can't do this, Bronwyn! I can't! She's been through enough!"

"Think about what you're doing!"

"Why don't you think about it?"

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, I have recordings of our meetings" He said and tapped his phone to let her know that it was on and recording "...this one included" Her not knowing that he'd only recorded this conversation but the look on her face…

"You bastard!"

"You may have me a corner with what you have, but I have you in one too and so help me god if we don't walk away from here with you forgetting this plan, forgetting about that baby and leaving me the hell alone, I will make sure that the DA gets copies of them."

"You wouldn't do that, because then I'll be forced to-"

"Then I guess we'll both be fucked. Don't try me!" He said and got up, grabbing his coat. "Enjoy your lunch." And he left, leaving Bronwyn sitting there. But she wasn't thrown, not by any means.

"Oh well. Guess I have to do it myself. Isn't that right, baby!"

* * *

"I went by the squad room today after my doctor's appointment." She told Elliot as they sat at the living room table eating Chinese.

"How was it?"

"Strange at first, then I don't know, it felt different but…"

"Thinkin maybe you wanna go back?"

"Honestly? I don't know yet."

"You say that like it's wrong"

"It's; after William assau- I was just so determined that I wouldn't let him and the memory of what he did to me take my job from me, no matter what and now… It's been almost 5 months since I got away from Harlan and…"

"And?"

"I don't know. I don't know and that's what scares me!"

* * *

Over at Amanda's, Darrell was rolling off of her, both drenched in sweat after having had a marathon round of sex. They lay there, breathing heavily for a while until she curled up on his chest and noticed tears in his eyes.

"Baby what's wrong?" she whispered to him.

"I'm sorry…" He cried.

"Hey" She turned his face towards her own and wiped his tears "talk to me!"

He looked into her eyes and searched them, his tears coming faster.

"Baby?" She said,

"If anything should ever happen, I want you to remember that I love you!" It was the first time he'd ever said it and for a minute it stunned her she didn't count on it happening so fast and she found _herself_ getting teary.

"I love you too Darrell but what…?"

"Remember that...promise me."

"I promise!" He kissed her on the mouth.

"Always remember!" He said and pulled her on top of him. "...always. I love you!" He said as he kissed her passionately, flipping them as she spread her legs and he kissed his way down her torso, stopping when his head was between her thighs as she moaned.

"_Darrell...oh Darrell!_"

* * *

"Really, I'm okay" Late that night and Olivia was in the kitchen having a snack while on the phone with Casey.

"Just okay?"

"I'm fine. I just… I'm nervous that's all, the sentencing is in three days and I'm on edge."

"If you need me..."

"I appreciate it but you have clients to worry about. I'll be alright."

"Say the word"

"If only that worked for other things."

"What do you mean?"

"With everything else I have to deal with I'm having the most ridiculous urges if you can believe it." She said feeling shame.

"Liv, it happens, you know that better than I do; no matter what, you're still a woman."

"I know, I know; but believe me, sex is...I just don't! But that doesn't stop my body… It's this pregnancy. I didn't even know I could..."

"Elliot?"

"Unimportant." She said "I just wanna get through this sentencing and Bronwyn's hearing and then maybe I can have a little peace before Serena comes." She looked across the room when she hear footsteps and cursed silently when she noticed Elliot was coming in the kitchen.

"Hey; I didn't know you'd be up. Everything alright." He asked grabbing orange juice from the fridge and turning it up. She looked him over in his sweats and tank top then quickly closed her robe over her pajamas.

"Fine. I was… I gotta go!" She said and walked past him, quickly heading to her room as he watched until she was out of sight.

"Okay!" He said to himself and continued drinking.

* * *

The next day at Barba's office, Nick was on his phone waiting for Barba to come back in when the door opened, a serious look about him even more so than usual and Nick knew something was off.

"Let me call you back" he said to whomever he was talking to and hung up the phone just as Rafael began pacing.

"We have a problem" He said suddenly.

"Which case?" Nick asked. Barba took a look around before he came out with it.

"Liv's!"

...

At Elliot's, he sat in the living room with Liv who was on the floor with her yoga mat getting a session in. Elliot was right beside her, trying earnestly to do some of the moves but he only succeeded in tying himself up.

"Okay, I can safely say this is not for me!" He said as he got up from his mat and began rolling it up.

"Never figured you for a quitter, Stabler!" Olivia laughed.

"Yeah well, if I remember, you weren't exactly into this when I left, what happened?"

"I uh, I needed a way to keep my mind straight after junior r… it came in handy." Elliot acted as if he didn't hear the slip of her tongue and shook it off. "Help me up. I gotta pee!" He gave his hand and quickly pulled her up but he pulled a little too fast and she came crashing against him softly, face to face. They stood like that for a moment, looking at one another.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I… Yeah." She said when Serena decided to make her presence known and began kicking against Elliot.

"I guess somebody's in a rush!" He smiled, stepping away and touching her stomach where he felt the baby kick.

"I guess I should..." She said and turned to make her way to the bathroom. As soon as she was gone, Elliot laughed quietly to himself and began rolling her mat when suddenly the doorbell rang.

"Nick; Barba. Come in."

"Hey, I hope we're not interrupting" Nick said as he and Barba walked in.

"No, what's goin on?"

"Where's Liv, is she here?" Barba asked as he and Nick removed their coats.

"Uh yeah, she's-" Elliot started just as Olivia returned from the bathroom.

"Nick." Then in another more serious tone "Barba… What?" She said upon noticing him there.

"Liv." Nick said and made her stop to absorb the feel of the room and when she got a read on their expressions she immediately got nervous and her hands went to her baby.

"Why so serious?" She asked in a tense voice.

"Should I leave?" Elliot asked.

"No, stay!" Olivia answered quickly.

"What are you doing here?" She directed at Barba, knowing that this wasn't a social call..

"Liv, maybe you should sit down." Rafael said softly. Hating that he was here to give her this news and wanting more that anything not to. _Why did I have to be brought into this? _He wondered, suddenly hating his job. He and Fin took seats on the couch while Olivia reluctantly sat in the armchair with Elliot standing beside her.

"What?" She asked, not cutting any corners.

"Um...the DAs office in Pennsylvania; it seems that they got a lead on another of...the men who attacked you." Rafael told her.

"I don't understand; why did they call our DAs office?" She asked. Rafael and Nick looked at each other and it was Nick who spoke up.

"That's what we're trying to tell you... He's with NYPD, Liv. A sergeant out of the 43rd."

* * *

.

**To be continued...**


	42. 1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back (continued)

**Chapter 42.**

* * *

.

Up until this past spring, the Benson method of 'conceal, don't feel' had always worked wonders for Olivia. She'd act as if the emotions she felt from any given problem were not an issue and in return, she got to spend her life living in an altered form of bliss (if you could call it that). But these past almost 8 months she's been on this roller coaster with no way to get off. It hits every low point in her life and forces her not only to relive but to respond and it's why she's been in this constant state of being inundated with emotions that are draining her. It doesn't matter if she excuses herself to go to her room or if she breaks down where she stands; 'conceal, don't feel' has all but abandoned its post and what's left is a woman who's breaking points are being put to the test and it's killing her.

For a moment she sat staring at the polish on the toes of her bare feet as her hands nervously sought..something and quickly deciding that the long sleeves of her tee shirt wouldn't make do. "Would you help me up?" She asked Elliot in a near silent voice. Her eyes were full of tears and she quickly found herself on her feet with the dark blue toes that she'd been staring at and silently began walking away.

"Liv-" Barba started.

"Just um...I need a minute!" She saidwithout turning around to look at them. "I just; give me a minute!" she walked off, heading for the kitchen. Elliot looked on as did Nick and Barba.

"I hate my job some days, and this, this is one of them!" Barba said as he got up and began pacing.

...

In the kitchen, Olivia stood against the counter as she took a deep breath and let it out through her mouth and her hand went to her belly, rubbing anxiously as her tears fell.

"_This won't break you!" _It came out sounding like she was unsure of herself but after a few seconds she wiped her tears and took another couple of deep breaths before she straightened up and left the kitchen, then headed back to the living room.

...

"I need to talk to him… By myself." She announced to Elliot and Nick about Barba when she came back. The three men stood, looking at one another and Barba wishing he were anywhere but here; finally it was Nick who spoke.

"Liv…" He said with Elliot right on his heels, ready to put up a struggle, but Olivia put a stop to it before they could get an argument in.

"Please" She said with a hand up. "I need to do this alone." With resistance they nodded, Elliot speaking up.

"The den's empty." She turned to go and Barba followed her after a few seconds, looking nervously at Nick and El as he went.

"I'm gonna beat the balls off this guy!" Elliot seethed as he paced the room, angrily.

"Way ahead of you, there's only one problem. They have two sergeants over at the four three and Barba wouldn't give me the name!"

...

"Liv, first I wanna say how sorry I am that I got pulled into this; I'm only sorrier that you had to go through it." Rafael said once they were settled in the den.

"How mu-" she cleared her throat "how much do you know?"

"About the case? Not much to be honest though a lot more now than I did. I've tried to be respectful, ignore the papers, the news. After Lewis I…" He had to stop himself when he felt tears well up, thinking about what he now knew. "They called from the DAs office in Pennsylvania not even an hour ago; they're faxing the file over and our DA wants me to…"

"...take the case." She finished quietly and bit her lip, nervously patting her stomach.

"...I'm gonna know everything and I; Liv I just; I'm…"

"You're sorry… I know." It was quiet for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say to the other and Rafael just wanting, both of them wanting to run. He didn't want to be involved any more than she wanted him to but they both knew that to have another ADA handle this... "They know for sure it's him?"

"That's what I needed to talk to you about!"

* * *

"_So, can you do it?" Bronwyn asked the handyman as they looked over the panic room that was located behind one of the master closets of the main bedroom. All this time wondering where she would stash Olivia, and the answer was right in front of her when she went inside the closet to clean it out so that she could put her things in where her mother's once were. _

"_It's not a matter of if; it's a simple job...by the way, you wanna tell me why you want that? I mean, if you ever were locked inside..." He gave a laugh as he wiped his nose on the back of his hand and smudged it on his jeans. Bronwyn moved back a step, looking at him as if he were infected._

"_I'm not using it as a panic room; that was my parents and they're gone now. I'm using it for fur storage." She lied._

_The handyman looked her up and down "Whateva! Anyway, wit the other stuff you want done, I'd say you lookin at a week's work!?_

"_And when can you start?"_

"_Whoa lady! Slow down, I got other obligations ya know"_

"_I'll pay you triple." _

"_Is tomorrow, eight AM too early?"_

Standing in front of her closet and looking at what would soon be Olivia's prison, she wondered now more than ever…

"You have to stick with your plan!" She reminded herself and just as quickly…

_She sat in their bedroom listening to the sounds from the end of the hall. She'd heard crashing into walls and yelling from Harlan as Olivia screamed hoarsely, begging him to stop but Bronwyn just turned a deaf ear and pretended to go on about her chores._

"_OhgodHarlanpleaseno!" She heard her cry weakly, in her already worn voice and to no avail._

"_Shut up and take it, bitch!" And she heard Olivia scream again. Finally, two hours went by and by the time Harlan was done and walked out of the room with his pants unzipped and his shirt off, Bronwyn was coming up the stairs with a laundry basket._

"_Man that's a wild one." He said grinning, grabbed his dick to adjust it and walked off. Bronwyn sat the laundry basket down and slowly made her way to the door of the room and unlocked it, making sure that Harlan was gone before she eased it open. _

_She looked inside to see Olivia struggling to get up from the floor. She was crying and her gown had been pretty much ripped off her body. She she had fresh marks to her breasts and neck as well as bruises to her face and body; the bandage on her wrist showing that even it was bleeding. Upon getting closer, Bronwyn saw that she was also trailing blood heavily from between her legs as she tried to stand, it running down her legs and collecting on the floor._

_Bronwyn stared for a minute before she eased the door closed just as Olivia lost her footing and fell back down to the floor sobbing and in so much pain. She hadn't seen Bronwyn and the redhead was thankful as she quickly locked the door and sadly crept away._

"Stop it Bronwyn! You cannot afford to feel sorry for her!"

"Why not?" Came a voice.

"Who said that?" She wondered, looking around the closet with bulging eyes. Had someone gotten into the house? "I have a gun just so you know and I'm not afraid to use it!" She yelled.

"Oh come on mom; you wouldn't shoot _me_." When she looked down and saw that the voice came from the jar in her arms, she nearly fainted.

"Y-you…" She couldn't believe it. Her son was actually talking to her. She immediately sat down from the shock.

"I have to tell you mommy, this plan you have to kidnap Olivia and take her baby-"

"I know, it's brilliant!"

"It's not brilliant. In fact, it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"What?"

"You're doing all of this for Harlan, well how do you think I got here in this pool of formaldehyde? He didn't want me and-"

"No darling, of course he wanted you. It was all just an accident!"

"Is that what you tell yourself?"

"But it's true"

"It isn't mommy. He didn't want me and he forced me from your womb. He took me away from you just like you want to take Olivia's baby."

"It's all for you my darling." She said, trying to reason.

"IT'S FOR HARLAN!" He said, his voice suddenly loud, deep and thunderous; sort of like…

"You're god!" She cried in fear as she dropped to her knees and bowed her head, propping her hands up in prayer formation as she looked timidly at the jar. To a normal person, they would have seen a dead, premature fetus but to Bronwyn…

"What is it that you want of me?" She prayed and got no answer. She figured she would stay there, on her knees until one came.

* * *

"Liv?" Elliot called as he knocked on her door.

"I don't wanna talk about it!" She said from inside where she sat in the rocker, attempting to knit...something. She was surprised when the door opened and he stepped inside.

"Then we won't talk about it" He said as he took a seat on the bed. "I just wanna see you, make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine" She sighed.

"Coulda fooled me." He spoke softly. "You didn't seem okay." He looked at her for a moment and when she continued with the _knitting_, he reached into the basket to grab the yarn, holding it for her. "What are you doing?"

"Knitting…" a look of confusion mixed with amusement crossed his face.

"You don't knit…"

"Elliot, don't start with me!" She said before she suddenly stopped and began rubbing her belly in large circles.

"You okay?" He asked, worried.

"Yeah…" She said and stretched her back. "She's gettin low on space in here!"

"Hey princess, cramped in there, huh?" He said with his hands to her belly. "Don't worry, a little over two months and you're free!"

"Granted, I don't deliver early." She said and cautiously placed her hands over his, letting them rest on her swell as their fingers slowly interlocked. _They still fit so perfectly together_ she thought. God, even after three years he still felt right; she still felt like home they each thought as they sat there looking at one another.

"Think you might?" He asked.

"The doctor says it'll be a miracle if I don't. Thankfully not too early" She said and let out a deep breath then got teary eyed. "She should've been yours!" It came in a whisper but wasn't missed on him.

"I wish things were different too." He said but just that fast she wiped her eyes and changed the subject.

"I wondered what happened to the other men." It came almost silently. "I thought that after all these months if they didn't catch them they wouldn't but I never imagined that they'd start turning up in my own backyard."

Did she say_ they? _He wondered "I'm sorry…"

She scratched her brow as she laughed and cocked her head sideways. "If one more person tells me how sorry they are…!" It came almost sarcastically. "I can't take hearing any more _I'm sorrys. _I just want… I don't know what I want but I don't want to hear _I'm sorry _one more goddamn time!"

As she sat stewing from her anger, Elliot stood and reached out, pulling her up and drew her into his arms. She resisted at first but then allowed herself to sink into him, holding him tight.

* * *

"Any word?" Fin asked.

"No" Nick said as he hung up the phone and plopped down at his desk. "You didn't see her Fin; I don't know what this is gonna do to her. We didn't even get it all out before she just shut down and walked away. She came back and tried to be strong but I could see it; she's breaking!"

"It was hard enough dealin with this shit when she had to worry about the people in Earl, but now it comes back to New york. Not only does it come back but it comes back with a cop and now the whole damn city has to be in on it? I swear, when I get my hands on this guy…" Fin said angrily.

"Gotta get in line, because when I find out who he is…"

Suddenly, Amanda came in and you could have heard a pin drop. She noticed some definite tension in the room and immediately went to finding out what the cause was. "What?" She asked as she sat down at her seat with the papers she had in her hands. The men looked at each other.

"Nothin" They said simultaneously. She just stared at them both for a moment, eyes shifting from Nick to Fin. They hated lying to her but they also knew that until they had more details, it'd be best to leave her out of it.

"Mmm." she said

"No Darrell? Wow!" Nick said in an attempt to change the subject.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She said looking through the paperwork. "But if you're missing him, I'm sure you'll see him at work tomorrow!" Nick laughed as she smiled.

"Yeah, okay. Well, Fin, we gotta go, that call remember?"

"Oh, yeah. See you later Rollins." He said and grabbed his coat on the way out. Rollins made sure they were gone before she looked around the squad room to make sure that everyone was busy before getting up and slipping into one of the interrogation rooms where she called Darrell, having gotten a sudden longing for him.

"It's me" she said when he answered. "You busy?"

* * *

As Rafael sat reading page upon page of the file that had come while he had been to Olivia's he felt sick.

When he had tried William Lewis just this past January, he'd known that perhaps there were some things that Olivia had left out of her statement- a lot of things that didn't make sense unless she was raped but this… This left no room for any doubts. There they were, in black and white, her statements about what happened over those three months - all that she could remember and what she couldn't (although he couldn't imagine) remember, there were police reports and more police reports; pictures of the crime scene, of Olivia and her injuries, and he didn't even want to think of the videos that would arrive by courier tomorrow. Just reading through the files he felt physically ill and had to step away several times. It was all to much! This wasn't just another case to him. Again it was Olivia, someone he knew and loved only this time every horrible thing he could imagine was right there staring at him.

He was reading about the young man, Sam Taylor and how he'd found Olivia that night on the road, how he'd saved her. How so much of this case was thanks to him and he'd been the one responsible even now for the latest turn in the case.

He'd found, in his mother's basement, the room that his father had used as his private man cave; he'd found while cleaning it out for his mother, a ledger. This ledger kept a girl's first name at the top and underneath were names and prices and dated back 10 years. Hundreds of names. The last entries were under Olivia and it kept the names of 25 men as of the date, Robert Taylor's included; prices these men had paid for being with her- over thousand dollars from each encounter. It made Rafael even sicker.

They had located fifteen of the men after all these months because they'd seen them on the recordings and savvy police work quickly led them to them. But they hadn't been able to locate the remaining men until now. The Pennsylvania DA explained that the men they couldn't locate had been found through this ledger that Sam had brought to them, that when they'd come across it, it helped them track down the remaining nine. Two, not able to face what they'd done and being afraid of the consequences had committed suicide in August. The DA was in the process of rounding up another four and the remaining three as he'd told Olivia, were all believed to be in New York city. The cop out of the 43rd, a lawyer who worked for a very reputable law firm and a banker who worked down on wall street. God his work was cut out for him!

"I can't do this!" He said with tears in his eyes. More and more as he read, he kept coming back to William. He knew that William was an evil sadist but he knew nothing compared to his father. "I wish she had gotten him worse!" He muttered to himself just as his secretary knocked on his door and poked her head in.

"I know you said you didn't wanna be bothered…"

"And I don't"

"There's an Elliot Stabler here, he says it's important." Deciding that his eyes could use a break from what they'd been glued to for the last two hours he straightened up in his chair.

"Send him in Michelle, thank you."

"Yes sir" She said before she left.

"Elliot, what can I do for you?" Barba asked as Elliot entered his office and shut the door.

"I want names!"

* * *

"Harlan… I didn't hear you come in"

"So ya are here?"

"Yes; I would have been here a few days ago but there was so much to do… Anyway, I was in the nursery putting Harlan down for his nap… Where have you been?" Harlan looked at her for a long moment before he spoke.

"Where the hell _you_ been?" Harlan asked.

"I just told you…"

"I mean these last few days!"

"I had trial prep and I… but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Harlan, I think I found God!" She said, so happy she could burst.

"You found… God?" He laughed.

"I have and he's in the flesh!"

"He's in the- ya know, you been inventive, I'll give you that but now, well I just think you fuckin crazy!"

"He's here!"

"He's…?"

"I'll take you to him but first there's something else we need to talk about...while I was in the city, I discovered something life changing!"

"What? That you batshit crazy?" He said.

"No...that I'm adopted!"

* * *

"Somebody wanna tell me why you're both staring at me?" Olivia wondered. Nick and Fin had sat down in the kitchen having beers when they got here twenty minutes ago, being ultra silent when she came in and now they had taken turns staring at each other then at her. Now on the 5th go round, she was highly annoyed as she sat at the table eating a salad.

"We just wanna make sure you're alright, that's all." Fin said as he played with the label on his drink. Nick agreeing. Olivia stared at them before she turned back around and tried to continue eating and they went back to drinking in silence when Olivia felt them doing it again and threw her fork down onto her bowl and sighed.

"I know what you're doing, both of you and it's not gonna work."

"What do you mean Liv?" Nick asked, feigning innocence.

"Look, I appreciate you guys being so concerened but I'm not gonna be the cause of either of you, including Elliot doing something stupid.

"Liv…"

"No! Listen to me; there's been so much hurt this past year...I need it to end and to try to get some normalcy. I'm not gonna give you a name and have you put your careers at risk to get some form of revenge. Now please let's drop it." She said and started on her way out of the kitchen.

"Where you goin?" Fin asked.

"We have to leave tomorrow to go to Pennsylvania, I need to pack a bag." She said then made her way out.

"I hate it when she's right!" Fin grumbled as he watched her go.

* * *

At a hospital in Staten Island…

"How's the patient?" The doctor asked as he stepped into the dimly lit room.

"Other than some of the swelling decreasing; no change." The nurse said. She was gently settling the patient with clean linens, careful that she didn't hurt or bruise them at all. "No one's come forward?"

"Not as of yet." He motioned for the nurse to move aside and went to checking the patient's eyes with a light, disappointed that he saw no change. "...with the infection it's just a guessing game of when-"

"Have hope...isn't that what you always say?"

"He's going to need a lot more than hope; it'll be a miracle if he survives the infection and we still have a long way to go from there!" He said, looking at his patient who lay in a coma, on a respirator and hanging on by a thread.

* * *

**See you guys next time**


	43. Flashbacks, Dead God and Pennsylvania

**Chapter 43, not much to say so I'll get to the story. Dick Wolf owns, I just borrow. Enjoy!**

* * *

***Chapter contains rape***

.

Just after eight pm, Elliot arrived home hesitating outside the front door on going in.

"_Come on, you know that I can't do that!"_

"_Just leave the file and walk away, nobody has to know!"_

"_I'd know!"_

He'd tried for twenty minutes to get Barba to give him something but in the end he got nothing but a wasted visit. Sighing heavily, he walked into the house and hung his coat.

"Liv?"

No answer. He figured she must be asleep and decided to go into the kitchen for a beer. He arrived and was surprised to find Olivia having ice cream at the counter where she was seated.

"Hey." She said, putting the the last spoonful in her mouth. "I don't hear you come in."

"I'm sorry, I called to you… How can you eat that when it's so cold?"

"Because it's cold _outside, _not in and Serena made me do it!" She grinned. Where'd you go?" She said as she put another two scoops in her bowl. He took a minute before he answered, thinking of what to say and deciding that the truth was best.

"I uh…" He said getting a beer from the fridge and sitting down beside her at the counter as he screwed the cap off. "I went to see Barba" He took a sip and the room was quiet for a minute.

"I figured." It came low, after which she ate a spoonful of her ice cream while looking down at the bowl. "Find what you were looking for?" And she shoveled in another spoonful. Elliot didn't know how to respond to her, he was suddenly feeling like he'd double crossed her.

"I shouldn't have, and I know that now… if it makes you feel any better, he wouldn't give me anything." He continued while she ate her ice cream. "...and I didn't call the bureau when he didn't." Slowly, a smile crept up on her lips.

"Really?"

"Really. I made a vow when I had the opportunity months ago that I would let you tell me what you wanted me to know and I almost broke that vow. I'm learning to trust that you know what's best for you and not fly to your rescue all the time because I know that sometimes you don't need me to like now; but Liv...I'm gonna stumble sometimes out of habit and I just need to know that you won't hate me!"

When she laughed subtly, he was relieved yet confused. Was this the start of a breakdown or had she reach a limit after all these years? You know, that nervous laughter before the shit hits the fan? Was she was literally so sick of all his shit after all these years; so sick of it that she had to laugh just to keep calm enough to be able to go grab a gun and…

"Liv?"

"I don't hate you. We were partners remember? Besides, I'm pretty sure I got it all out the 3 years you were gone."

"I deserved that."

"Yeah, you did!" She smiled. "But it doesn't mean that I won't need you to come to my rescue sometimes."

"No?" He said with a smile.

"No. But thank you for realizing that right now I don't need you to." Looking at her, he grabbed her hand and she held his tightly. He knew right then that it was forgiven and smiled as he kissed her hand.

"So, you decided on a birth plan?"

"A birth...what?" She laughed.

"A birth plan."

"Uh, I'm gonna go to the hospital when it's time and have them get her out! What plan?" When she said this, it made him giggle. "What?" She asked with a mouthful of ice cream.

"You are in for such a rude awakening!" He informed her, still laughing.

"As long as they have the drugs, I'll be fine! I remember Kathy giving birth to Eli and I'm not looking for that!"

"So, I take it you aren't going for natural?"

"Nope. Serena and I have come to an understanding that I'll be much easier to deal with if I'm numb!" She said with a hand to her belly. Truthfully, she had given one aspect of it some thought; she knew that when the time came that she'd be doing it by herself and that thought scared the hell out of her. She didn't know if she'd be okay if suddenly she had flashbacks and because of that she didn't want to be alone but there were aspects of her pride that still remained even though Harlan had tried to smash it, and she just couldn't bring herself to bother anyone; not knowing that they all would have jumped at the chance to do it for her but she couldn't ask something so personal and revealing.

"If you'd let me, I'd like to be there… when you give birth. I think you could use the support and I don't want you to go through it alone."

"Oh, Elliot...I don't know I mean…" She didn't want to sound too anxious about it but, she still had her doubts. "That's a lot to see."

"I've been through it already with four kids, remember?"

"El; My body isn't...a lot's happened in the three years you were gone; I don't look the same." She confessed almost silently as she touched the back of her neck.

"You know I don't care about that, all I want..."

"_Heads or tails?" Harlan questioned as he got up off her and cleaned himself with the gown he'd carelessly ripped from her body. The week following her first escape attempt and he hadn't stopped punishing her. She remembered that day after she'd blacked out from him pouring whiskey into her wound, she woke up the next morning by him brutally fucking her and when she was sure she'd pass out again, he slapped her hard, telling her 'let's test that theory'. _

_He'd nearly destroyed her down below; going on for hours as she just lay there gripping at anything but she could reach nothing but the straps that the restraints had been attached to and she held them for her life! Later, in indescribable pain from being so harshly used, she was now tied down on her stomach as he fucked her ass barbarically! She was a bloodied mess by the time he got up and she lay there in tears, copious amounts of blood mixed with the semen oozing out of her and onto the mattress._

"_Oh don't wanna play daddy's game?" He asked as he threw the nightgown he had just wiped himself with and sat on the bed by her tear soaked face. See, I thought of another, more just punishment but immo give you a choice you see; ain't that nice a me?! Now, heads and I give you yer lower suprise first but tales, well, I get to give you yer whippin!"_

_She closed her eyes and let more tears fall out. She was in an unreal amount of pain but Harlan just went on and when she refused to choose…_

"_Alright then you stupid whore, let's get started!"_

_He carved his initials onto her mound followed by more whiskey then as if she hadn't suffered enough, he whipped her with a branch of switches from a tree before he fucked, just to get one last load in her for the day._

"_You ain't never gettin out of here, don't try again!" He said in her ear, kissing the side of her face, and left her alone to bleed._

"...can I think about it?" She asked suddenly, pulling at the collar of her tee shirt, feeling the urge to run away and was already doing so as she got off the seat she was on and was making her way out of the kitchen.

"Just let me kn..." He said, looking over his shoulder at her as she went past and out of the back door. "Liv?"

Outside, she was a mess. Standing in the small backyard just trying to get air in her lungs while her tears dropped. Elliot came out a moment later, standing by the door.

"Liv?"

"Please, leave me alone Elliot, please!" she said with her back to him and crying.

"Liv, it's freezing out he-"

"I'm fine. Please just…" He started to speak but decided against it, it hurting him to leave her but he did as she wished, even though he was just inside by the door.

* * *

"_I'm adopted!" _

She wasn't supposed to find out. Not yet and not like this...well, he didn't actually care _how _she found out but she wasn't supposed to find out yet.

He'd supposed it was a good thing that the lawyer wasn't able to tell her anything about her father- thank god that Johnnie Lee had used her maiden name back then so there was no tie to Lewis, but man!

"We gotta move faster, that's all!" He said What ya sayin Harlan? You ain't gotta move faster, you just gotta make sure that she don't ever find out who her daddy is; what you need to be concerned about is gettin Olivia, that's what matters. Bronwyn, she ain't no big deal!" He said to himself, so pleased with how he thought this would all go down as he looked at the picture of Johnnie that he'd taken from Bronwyn unbeknownst to her.

"Gosh, you sure could take a punch, couldn't you? And for a tiny woman, hell, I musta fucked you half dead most of the time and you just came right back from it...kinda like Olivia! My god she can take a beatin, take a dick and lots of it! Kind a like you used to when I'd take you to the card games...you member that. I sure do you filthy slut! Me sitting back and watch you get fucked by every guy in the room some nights!"

Everything was going smooth in Harlan's world and he felt like a fucking king! He'd cheated death, evaded the law for a second time and soon he'd have more money than he knew what to do with, a dead wife and most importantly, he'd have his son. As for his mother; he wouldn't get rid of her so quickly, having decided that he'd squeeze another kid out of her if he could and if she couldn't, he'd enjoy her for a couple years and then he'd kill her. _No bother_ he thought as he licked his lips at the picture in his hand, then turned to the one on his wall of Olivia as he stroked his hard on.

Good times ahead, indeed!

* * *

"Liv?" Elliot called to her as he walked in her room to find her sitting in the window seat with a blanket covering her legs and looking out at the darkness. She had showered and her hair was damp as she sat in her pajamas with all of the lights on as usual.

One thing that worried him was that she didn't show any outward signs of the episode she'd had earlier in the kitchen and he prayed that she was okay.

"Hey." She said as if suddenly pulled out of her thoughts to realize that he was there.

"I just wanted to…"

"See that I'm alright? I am, you don't have to worry." He shut the door and made his way across the room, to the window and sat.

"What?"

"Nothin… The Velveteen Rabbit?" He said, picking up the book.

"I was reading it to Serena. It calms her at night." She said, her hands on her stomach, rubbing gentle circles. Elliot smiled then just as quickly got sad again.

"She asleep?"

"I think so, yeah… She's lying on my kidney but she's out." She said still rubbing her belly.

"So, ready to go to Pennsylvania tomorrow?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." She said and turned her head back to the window.

"What happened in the kitchen…"

"...was nothing; I just had a bad memory and it got to me. That's all."

"Harlan?" She looked at him with teary eyes and nodded her head.

"Crazy right? I mean, I have so many other things to think about including the news I got today but here I am… Elliot I have to reach Brian, I have to know." She cried. "I didn't want to even think it when he first suggested it because I was so afraid that it wouldn't be but I have to know; I need to know my child didn't come from Harlan!"

"You already…"

"No! El, he was evil, and I've tried to tell myself for the sake of my little girl that it won't matter because she'll be loved but he...was so…evil! I can't go through life thinking that he might be her father. God forgive me, she'll turn out like him and I can't, El. I can't do it!

"We'll find him Liv. He's probably undercover right now but we'll find him. But right now, you can't do this! You cannot let the memory of that monster unhinge you, it's what he would want and you are stronger than that!"

"I'm not. Not with Serena coming in a little over 2 months and me not knowing… Maybe I'm falling apart because of the sentencing and the others that have been discovered but it doesn't change the fact of what he was!" Elliot got up and sat behind her, wrapping her in his arms so she could lay back against him and cry.

"It's okay."

"I have to test Brian, El. Promise me you'll find him!"

"I promise you; It'll be okay. You just have to trust the love that I know that you have for this little girl. It'll all be alright!"

* * *

"I'm gonna miss you." Darrell said and kissed Amanda who lay under him. She smiled.

"I'll only be gone a day and a half."

"But a day and a half!" He said. "You ready for some more of me?"

"You make leavin so hard!"

"I got your hard!" They laughed as he kissed her.

"Baby...I gotta go!"

"One more?" He kissed her "Just let me have you one more time until you're cumming, nice and hard from this dick!" He was talking as he ground his dick against her ass and she was already starting to come. "You know you want it; come on, give it to me!" He whispered, still planting seductive kisses.

"Damn you!" She said and turned to kiss him full on the mouth while he spread her legs with his knee and teased her before he entered her from behind. When she let out that whimpering moan, he knew that he was home again.

"Love making or fucked?" He said as stilled himself inside her. She was already so far gone that she couldn't hear him so he pulled out until there was just his tip inside and slammed all of his length into her, taking her breath and making her cum shoot out. "Love making or fucked?"

"Oh God...fucked, please!" He laughed when she jumped as her ejaculate pooled.

"Glad you're still here!" He said and got up on his knees, pulling her hair that he quickly wrapped around his fist as he put her ass in the air and got to work! Good lord she didn't know how she would walk tomorrow but she'd figure it out later!

* * *

"Hey, Liv…" El said as he shook her gently. She had finally fallen asleep in his arms after practically a whole night of him trying to soothe her. He hated to disturb her, he knew how tired she was but he had to let her know that he was on his way out having some errands to run before they left for Pennsylvania today.

"Jesus; is it morning already?" She groaned, partially opening her eyes. Her hair fell around her face and she was sleeping on her left side, her body thrown around a giant pillow and Elliot couldn't help staring at how absolutely beautiful she was. Mornings and pregnancy agreed with her. _Hell, everything agreed with her. _He thought as he kneeled down so she could better hear him in the slight voice he spoke so he wouldn't lure her from sleep.

"It's okay, don't get up. I just wanted to tell you that I'm leaving, I need to run some errands. I'll lock up so you don't have to worry." He said.

"Okay." She whispered and smiled. Stretching, exposing her belly and the large scar that started on her side and went down her back, then she settled against her pillow, her arm wrapped protectively around her daughter. Elliot caught glimpse of the scar and felt his blood boiling for a moment until she looked at him and he caught her sleepy brown eyes. "Could you bring me a strawberry cheesecake on your way back?"

He suddenly smiled, his anger somewhat alleviated. "I'll remember. Go back to sleep, I'll see you later." He told her but she was already out. He stood up and looked at her then kissed her forehead and covered her before he left her room.

"_I have to test Brian, El. Promise me you'll find him!"_

"Where are you, idiot?"

* * *

"Say something, God please!" Bronwyn begged as she knelt in front of the jar in a praying position. She had been at this for hours. Even now, pumping without stopping her a prayers and as Harlan made his way by the family room, he was sickened.

"Must be Sunday if you talkin ta god!"

"My god, yes. And it's not Sunday, silly. It's Tuesday!" She said and kept praying, never having turned to face him.

"This is just ri-damn-diculous!"

"Language in front of the lord, Harlan." She said, turning to the baby to apologize for Harlan's indiscretion. This set him off big time.

"My indiscre…?" and he snatched the jar up.

"Harlan, w-what are you doing? He doesn't mean it God." She cried to the jar, holding out her hands in hopes that Harlan would put it down before he caused any real damage.

"You just gone plain batshit! Talkin to a damn dead baby for weeks but this? I mean look at you, down there wit yer tits out to prayin ta the damn thing!"

"Harlan please, do-"

"_Please don't, please don't! _You crazy bitch, he's dead! I listened to you prayin to him all night and he's goddamn dead! When are you gonna get it through your skull?"

"Harlan, don't make god angry, it isn't kosher!" She cried.

"Don't make god…? He's a fucking corpse, you idiot!"

It was like watching slow motion only it wasn't a movie. Harlan raised the jar up over his head and from where she was kneeling on the floor, she watched in horror as he slammed it down on the hardwood floor so hard that it shattered on contact and formaldehyde splashed all over Bronwyn's face and exposed chest while Harlan proceeded to stomp on the baby, crushing him beneath his boot as Bronwyn screamed.

"There's yer god and now he's dead and I don't wanna hear another damn word about it. Now clean up this damn mess and when I get back it better be spotless; you got me? Hell, wastin time on a dead one when we got a live one comin soon!" But Bronwyn couldn't answer him, she was too busy screaming in tears so Harlan grabbed her hair, tightly to make himself heard. "Do you get me you fuckin cow?!"

"Yes sir." She cried.

"Good, get it movin!" He ordered and stormed out of the room, leaving Bronwyn there with a crushed baby and a broken jar that had drenched her in the solution that he once lay in. Her skin was starting to dehydrate in the areas that it touched but she just continued to cry on the floor, holding her baby in her hands.

* * *

"Just so you know, I did make the call about Brian."

"To IAB? What'd they say is he…?"

"Just that he'd put in for some time off, didn't say why, that was two days before he saw you at the hospital last."

"So in all probability he's probably just ignoring me? Gee, thanks a lot, Brian!"

"I'm sure he's not." She rolled her eyes, shaking her head. "Liv, he's most likely just on vacation somewhere and like most people, he turned his phone off. Don't worry, he comes back, we'll get it straightened out, I promise."

"El, I said some things that were pretty mean. He probably won't wanna hear from me even when he does come back."

"O ye of little faith! Alright, we gotta get going before traffic gets started. Fin, Nick and Rollins are gonna meet us there later so we're all set! Please, pee, I'll get your bags and snacks and load the car…"

"They're not snacks!"

"Fine, small meals?"

"Ha ha!" She laughed dryly as she got up to go to the bathroom. He quickly emptied her plate and put it in the dishwasher before going to the main hall to grab her bags and his.

* * *

Maybe it was because she was away from home, in an unfamiliar place. A place she never wanted to set foot in again but here she was, in Pennsylvania, where she'd spent three months of hell! But she couldn't get to sleep that night. Though this time, she was in a hotel room at 9PM as opposed to a house where she was locked away; imprisoned for the sick fantasies of a twisted man and his equally twisted friends.

She lay in bed that night running the fingers of both hands over her belly. Elliot, just down the hall but she wished that she had asked him to stay with her. She could at least rest in knowing that he was a mere few feet away but still she wished.

Tomorrow she would go to court. She would sit and face fifteen of the men who had done the unthinkable to her. She would hear them and see them...be close enough to touch them- suddenly her baby jumped.

"I thought you were sleeping..." She said while her hand was on her naked swell, rubbing gently. "looks like we got hiccups huh?" The baby jumped again under her hand.

"Okay, how about we get up?" after she struggled for a minute she was finally in a standing position; sort of. All the movement made her tired so she took a moment resting against the wall before she walked out of the bedroom soothing her baby after she'd hiccupped again.

"It's alright little one" she sang as she buttoned her sleep shirt and then went to the suite connecting doors in the living room and opened hers, knocking on Elliot's. She was surprised with how fast he opened up. _Jesus, did this man ever wear shirts at night? _She wondered staring at him there in his sweatpants with no shirt. She totally forgot the reason she had knocked and there it was again, those feelings that she thought had surely left her only this time they were ridiculously strong and she was ridiculously embarrassed.

"Uh, d-did I wake you?" She asked, silently willing her body to calm down.

"No, no I'm not sleeping what's wrong are you okay?" He wondered as she kept staring.

"What? No, I'm fine I just um...I thought…" _oh dear god! _She thought as her area up top joined in on the party and she genuinely forgot why she had knocked. Thankfully the baby hiccupped again and it brought her back as she touched her belly. "Right! Pineapple juice!" She exclaimed as he looked at her weird.

"Pineapple juice?"

"The baby has hiccups and pineapple juice..."

"Oh, right. I'll call up room service. Uh while you; you um…" He gestured by pointing to his own chest. It was a moment before she looked down to see that her breasts were leaking like crazy and had completely soaked through her sleep shirt.

She stood there with her mouth open before she slammed the door in embarrassment and kept going to her room. Elliot stood on his side of the door. "So I'm gonna get that pineapple juice!"

...

"...it happens to almost every pregnant woman, Liv. You don't have to be embarrassed, not around me!" They were sitting on her couch with her doing everything she could to avoid looking at him while she drank her juice in silence.

"Can we not talk about it?"

"Why? Would you be so embarrassed if we were married?"

"Elliot…"

"No, I wanna know. Would you?"

"We're not married"

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't know, I… No, I guess I wouldn't but we're not married! Why...is that something you…"

"Think about? Do you?"

"Oh no, I asked you first!" She smiled causing him to smile.

"I love seeing you like this"

"Like what?"

"Just happy." He said.

"I shouldn't be after springing a leak but…" she said as Elliot laughed. "Of course you'd find that funny!"

"I'm sorry!" He laughed and gently caught her hand and pulled her to him, putting his arm around her. She froze.

"I'll debate If you're forgiven." She said as she looked at his arm.

"Is this okay?" He asked

"It's uh...m-maybe we shouldn't" She said as she pulled away and moved over to the corner of the couch. She hadn't quite calmed from her wanting him and needed the space between them.

"We okay?" He asked, feeling some sort of way.

"Yeah; we're fine." She assured him. The baby had finally calmed from her hiccups and settled down and Olivia ran her hand across her belly.

"Thank you." She said, quickly changing the subject.

"For what?"

"You and Serena, you've kept my mind off of tomorrow and you got me through a really tough time last night. I don't think I properly thanked you…"

"You don't have to thank me, Liv."

"But I do. You don't know what it's like to be so haunted by memories, to have them make you doubt everything you know. Last night I was really on edge and if you hadn't been there… Thank you! I mean that. Now if I can get through tomorrow…"

"You nervous?"

"I am but I think I can do it. You guys are by my side right?"

"Always! Why don't you try for some sleep, I'll camp out here!"

"Oh…" She wasn't exactly expecting that he'd call it a night so soon but he was right. It _was_ late and she _did_ need sleep but… "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, go on, get some sleep." He stood up and held out his hands for her to grab.

"Okay…" She said as he pulled her up. "Goodnight"

"Goodnight… And Liv, just so you know; I do think about it...a lot!" She nodded, trying to keep her smile at bay but failing miserably as it beamed across her face. Thankfully he couldn't see it.

"See you in the morning!" She smiled with her back to him and went on into her bedroom, shutting the door.

* * *

**I know, I know, 'why did I end it here'? Well, because it needed to. Next chapter, things get back to crazy (sorry) so see you then. Leave a review if the spirit moves you. See y'all next time.**


	44. Letting Go

**Chapter 44, Dick Wolf owns. I apologize that I didn't get to the crazy but I wrote a lot, so much that I broke it into two chapters so you'll get it with the next update. For now, enjoy.**

* * *

.

"_Elliot!_" She cried as he kissed her neck and slowly undid the buttons on her shirt.

"Are you sure you wanna do this?" He asked, probably for the seventh time to which she responded with an eye roll that he couldn't see because his head was buried in her neck, kissing and driving her absolutely crazy.

"God if you ask me that one more ti-" He remembered that spot; the one on her left, just beneath her hairline behind her ear. She couldn't say another word as his lips made contact. It had been so long since she'd been touched like this!

When his mouth made contact with her nipples, she cried out. God, it never felt this good! _Late pregnancy hormones were amazing_! She thought as he pulled it in deeper and sucked, his hand on her panties, slowly pulling them down her legs and parted them. As he pulled his mouth away from her breast, a trail of milk spilled out as he went to her mouth and kissed her lips so passionately. He let his hand graze her slit, his fingers dancing at her clit, rubbing her there. She didn't think she could get more heightened but his fingers were divine and she arched her back, jutting her hips closer to receive more of him when…

_Beep, beep, beep, beep..._

She opened her eyes as she lay there on her side. _Fuck! _She thought, _a dream _and closed them again as she hit the alarm. It was morning and it was raining, she had to be in court in two hours but all she wanted was to go back to sleep to finish dreaming she thought as she felt her nipples swelling under the fabric of her gown that clung to them. She was sweating and _shit, _she was definitely wet down below but she didn't make a move to get out of bed. Instead, she simply lay there smiling against the pillows remembering how incredible Elliot, and his mouth and his hands felt.

She wished that it could be like this in real life; that she could be able to give herself so openly to him. She wanted it more than anything; god she needed it! These pregnancy hormones were driving her insane, making her body crazy and she wanted him so bad; but with all that happened, she was simply too afraid to even consider going that far and surprised that she even wanted to. She remembered after William, she couldn't even consider letting herself be touched. In fact, had it not been for some pestering from Brian paired with bottles of wine that she often used to salve her inner wounds, she knew that there's no way she would have had the nerve to go there so fast; not that it was all bad with Brian. But with Elliot she never felt that. There was no drinking, nothing that clouded her judgment. She wanted him; all over again but she didn't think that it would ever happen. Not with a trail of her recent past with so many men on her skin that she can't seem to forget. And just that fast, her fantasy time was over as she suddenly felt disgusted and struggled out of bed to shower and wash them off.

* * *

"Everything going okay?" Darrell asked as he was having his breakfast.

"Pretty much, I haven't seen Olivia yet since we got here so late but I'm hoping everything's good. I miss you!"

"Weren't you the one that stressed you would only be gone a day?" He laughed as he bit a piece of melon.

"I did, but that was before I left. Maybe it's the newness of it all but it's drivin me crazy bein away from you!"

"I miss you too! You know that." He took another bite.

"What are you eatin?"

"Juicy honeydew… I'm imagining that I have you spread in front of me…"

"Oh don't…" She said causing him to laugh louder. "I'm serious, I need to be dry and alert for today!"

"Yeah, I need to get to work anyway...I'll see you tonight?"

"Should I show up without underwear?"

"And bring whipped cream, I plan to eat you out for a couple hours!"

* * *

When Elliot came to check on her, she told him that she was getting dressed and would be out soon; him understanding her being nervous, took her word and waited for her nervously in the living room while he ordered breakfast which she also wouldn't eat; another thing that concerned him but again, he chalked it up to her nerves and didn't push it.

"Does it ever do anything besides rain, in this damn town?" Fin asked as he came in to Liv's suite. "Where's baby girl?" He asked Elliot.

"Getting dressed. You want some coffee, or breakfast? There's plenty."

"Just coffee, thanks! What's got you so on edge?"

"Just trying to maintain..." He said as he got Fin's coffee and handed it to him.

"Don't sound like maintainin" He said and took a hearty sip as Elliot sat down in the chair opposite him with his own cup. "In fact, if you anything like me and Nick, you probably prayin for the strength to not grab every last one of them motherfuckers in that courtroom and cause mayhem! ...but I didn't say that!" And he sipped his coffee as he went to answer the knocking at the door.

"A man after my own heart!" He said before he raised his cup.

* * *

Bronwyn lay there absolutely numb and unresponsive in the room that was practically black with the drapes drawn. She's been that way since Harlan smashed Harlan Junior, her god, yesterday. Just a blubbering mess as she lay with her red blotchy and severely withered skin on one side of her face and chest- not even bothering to have a doctor look at it. She simply showered, didn't even bother with pajamas and climbed into bed, unable to do much more and cried.

Thankfully, Harlan never came to check on her. She heard as he passed her wing on the way to his; he brought in some hooker last night- about 20 and looked like Olivia but had hair like Johnnie's and it's a good thing Bronwyn didn't see this being already so riled up. _I've done everything for this man. Everything! _She thought. _All I wanted in return was for him to love me, for us to finally be happy with our son but he couldn't even give me that. _As her tears flowed, she thought of how the baby's body sounded as it crushed under Harlan's foot. She would never be able to forget that sound as long as she lived. The little bones of his body, his chest plate and skull as they cracked spilling what was once the baby's brain on the floor. She could see it beneath his shoe even before Harlan lifted his foot off of him and when he had, she was mortified to see that his heart and other would be organs had oozed from his chest through his ribs.

She closed her eyes to stop it from playing as she cried harder but it did no good.

"My baby!" She wailed into her pillow. This being the first time that she really allowed herself to do so since she lost him in the first place. God was right when he'd told her that she had been doing this all for Harlan and the one time she'd allowed herself to cry, she'd done it for all the wrong reasons. God baby knew that she was being brainwashed, that Harlan had made her believe those things; that someone other than him was responsible when the truth was, it was all him and now she had nothing. No baby, no god, no happiness, nothing!

"_You can still have happiness…" _She heard a voice say to her. Quickly she sat up, frightened and looked around the dark room with tears running down her face, and in a dispirited voice…

"Who said that?"

"_Gone one day and already you don't recognize me mommy?"_

"God? Is it really you?" She asked almost silently, afraid that this was all a figment of her imagination.

"_Of course it's me mommy."_

"Oh my baby boy!" She cried. "Where are you? Can I see you; can I touch you?" There were new tears trailing her face as she untangled herself from the covers.

"_You can't see me mommy, I'm everywhere now but nowhere that you can see me. Do you still believe in me mommy?"_

"Of course I believe in you!" She said and broke down crying. "I thought you'd left me…"

"_I'll never leave you mommy but I need you to listen to me, I don't have much time."_

"Why not?"

"_I can only come to you if you're willing to listen to me and it's very important that you do. Are you willing to listen to me mommy?"_

"I'll listen. What is it that you need?"

"_It's what you need. But first, you have to leave Harlan."_

"Leave Harlan...but…" Even with all her torment she wasn't sure that she was ready to leave him. After all, she did love him, even with all he'd done, she still held a soft spot for him. He was her husband and she took that role very seriously, even if he didn't. For better or worse, right?

"_No buts. You either have me or you have him, but you can't have us both. Can you do it?"_

"I...God, i - I don't...can I think about it? I mean, you'll help me right?"

"_Sorry. My advice only works if it's just you and me; not him. I'll be back when you're clear on that!"_

"Baby? Baby wait; God, don't go! God?" She called him frantically but he had gone. "Don't go!" She said as she cried. "Stay."

* * *

"We'd better get going, we don't wanna be late and there's gonna be a ton of traffic on the way to the courthouse." Amanda said as she walked into the suite again after running across the hall to grab her phone and purse.

"I'll go get Liv!" Fin said as Nick and Elliot had gone downstairs to get the cars.

"Okay, I'll meet you downstairs." She said and left. Fin knocked on Olivia's bedroom door and when he got no answer...

"Liv, I hope you're decent, I'm comin in." He said before he opened the door and poked his head in, looking around. "Liv?" He called, not getting an answer and so he came all the way in, still no sign of her. Fin knew that she hadn't come out since he'd been here so she must be in the bathroom.

He went to the door and knocked twice. "Liv?" He called softly and was surprised when he heard what sounded like crying from inside. "Liv?" He called again before he opened the door. There she was inside, sitting on top of the closed lid of the toilet bowl and weeping silently as she wrung her hands. Going to bed last night she was on such a high, that's how Elliot made her feel, like she was lovable and beautiful and that maybe she could have a life with him one day. Something to keep so that when all of this was over, maybe she could have something to possibly look forward to. But then this morning as she was getting dressed, checking herself in the mirror, doubt appeared over her shoulder and she went to pieces.

"I can't walk in that courtroom and face those men!" She said in tears and on the verge of hyperventilating. Fin walked over to her and kneeled down, taking her hands in his, finding them so unsteady that they caused his to tremble.

"It's okay baby girl, come on. Just breathe, that's it. Slow breaths."

"Fin, I can't do this."

"Don't doubt yourself. You remember you thought that you wouldn't be able to face Lewis in court but you did. Just like you faced Harris."

"I was stronger then."

"You're stronger now. What you had to go through; to come through… Baby girl, a lesser woman would have given up but you're still here and you're fighting through it! Don't quit now."

"You say that but how am I supposed to be able to do this? Lewis was only one and so was Harris but there are fifteen of them, Fin and they all…"

"And you're still here! Liv, you just have to walk in that courtroom and show those men that they didn't break you, that you're still here and you're surrounded by love and support inside and out because you are, baby girl!" He said, placing a hand on her belly. "You gotta go in there and let them see your face, see that you won because regardless of anything, you have and you should be proud of that!"

"Hey, everything okay, Liv; what...?" Elliot said as Fin was helping Olivia to her feet. Elliot had come back up to check on her and now to see her in tears and he didn't know what the cause was…

"I'll be okay." Olivia said as she dried her eyes with less shaky hands.

"Are you sure? You don't look so good!"

"Thanks a lot."

"She's gonna be fine" Fin reassured him, looking at Olivia. "She got this! I'm gonna go downstairs and give you guys a minute." No sooner than he was gone, Olivia turned to Elliot.

"Give me a minute?"

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'll just be a minute then we'll go." He looked at her for a moment then nodded. Giving her a quick kiss to her lips before he left and shut the door. Once he was gone, she leaned over the sink, taking deep breaths then turned on the water and splashed some on her face. She was drying it off with a towel when she heard it.

"_He wouldn't want you if he knew how much we'd done to you; God, just what Harlan's done." _Doc said as he sniffed her hair. _"God you smell so fucking sweet!" _

"He's not here!" She whispered to herself.

"_Does he know what a whore you are? How much you loved every single thing. You liked them; hell, you loved them. Making your body sing, tell me, you ever cum so good as you did over and over those three months, or the way I made you cum when we..."_

"You're stronger than this, Olivia."

"_Is that what you tell yourself? I'll always be here, you filthy girl...hmm, but don't worry...your secret's safe with me!" _He said and began laughing. Olivia shut her eyes again, listening to the maniacal sounds that came from him and steadied herself before she turned around to an empty room. Nothing but the water from the sink dripping down the drain as she looked around and her hands started to shake again. She quickly dried her eyes and clasped her hands together to alleviate the tremors, then looked at herself in the mirror a final time and her baby started to kick. She put a shaky hand to her belly and it was as if she could feel her daughter telling her to be strong and she knew, right there that she had to be.

* * *

"You said it yourself, he's not strong enough to withstand another surgery!"

"and if we don't get in there now, and relieve that pressure off his brain, he's going to die!"

"and he'll die if we open him up.

"It's a bigger risk if we don't and I can't take that risk!"

"So you chance losing him?"

"What do you recommended then Chanel, huh? We just sit and wait?" just then, the monitor began wailing and both doctors ran to check it while one of them checked his eyes. "He's going into shock! Get the operating room ready, we have to relieve this pressure, now!" He said as the nurses ran about.

"Page Dr. Anderson, tell him to get down to the O.R. now!

* * *

"If there are no more statements, I'm ready to give sentence." Judge Roderick V. Camp announced to the courtroom. His voice softer like he was crying and he had been as the last of the fifteen men was seated. Olivia sat there, her tears falling throughout their statements and so called _apologies_ to herself and to the court.

Her hands were practically glued to her belly as she rubbed it for comfort most of the time they were there. The rest of the time was with Elliot and Fin holding her hands, Nick and Amanda sitting right behind her, a hand on her shoulder through it all. Even Don and Munch were there to give their support. They were all brewing from their own turmoil but determined to keep it together and when the men spoke, they looked them directly in the eye even when Olivia couldn't and sat with her head down or diverting her attention somewhere else.

"I'd like to say something." It came as a shock to her group. She hadn't planned to say anything today; they not even thinking that she would have the strength to talk but here she was and they all looked on with pride as the judge gave his okay and she wiped her eyes and stood. Looking at the box where all of the accused were seated, slowly turning towards it, some of them unable to look at her.

"I didn't plan on speaking today… It's been trying just managing to get here and listen to all of you making your statements to me and to the court and telling…telling us how sorry you are but I have to wonder, where was your sorrow when I was begging you… When I screamed and cried until I lost my voice, pleading with you not to?" They all quietly stared at the ground.

I'm not gonna take up the courts time much longer because the fact is, none of you are sorry! You're sorry that you got caught and that you're here; I'm sorry that I'm here. But I just wanted you all to know that regardless of what you all thought, what you think…what you did to me; I'm a person. A living, breathing, feeling person who suffered pain, both physically and emotionally of what you did. Maybe in your minds you thought it didn't matter, but it did." She said, trying not to cry as she rubbed her stomach. "My daughter and I; the daughter that was there when you all had your fun... We'll get past this and we'll have a life but I just wanna say that I sincerely hope with all my heart that you all rot!" She said as the men looked away and a couple of them could be heard crying as she sat back down.

* * *

As Darrell sat going over the files on his desk, he couldn't get Amanda out of his head.

He never counted on coming here and meeting a white girl no less that would completely make him fall in love. He thought for sure that when they went out the first time that it was casual, two friends just hanging out, maybe sex but she turned out to be so much more. He wholeheartedly loved her. He didn't see it coming but suddenly there it was one day and he hasn't been the same. This woman has him planning to take her home to his mother and the last time he took a woman home to meet his mother, he thought he wanted to marry her. Thank god that he didn't though, because he knew that Amanda was it; not now, but definitely the one.

"Hey Collins, did you ever get to talk to the witness in the Robins case?" Murphy asked, jarring Darrell from his thoughts as he came from his office.

"Uh, I did" he said, going through the files to find the one he was looking for and finally found it. "Yeah; she was pretty clean, believable, said basically the same things that Mark told us." He handed Murphy the file.

"Good work but get her back in here. We got some more questions."

"I was on my way out, I'll stop by her place!"

"Please. Stevens, I need those fives!" He said as he walked off. Suddenly Darrell's phone rang, and because he was putting on his coat he didn't take the time to pay much attention to the id display before he answered.

"Collins"

"What if I were to tell you that I didn't believe you when you say you taped our conversations?"

_Damn._

* * *

"Sergeant Benson, do you think the sentences were fair?" The reporter asked but Olivia, surrounded by the six people who had come to lend their support simply kept walking through the crowd of paparazzi. 30 years each, she was satisfied but she didn't say a word. _Nothing_.

"What about the rest of the men? Do you have a message for the the ones who haven't been found?"

_Nothing._

"How about Bronwyn Freed? Her trial is coming up. Will you be there and if so, will you push for prison?"

_Nothing._

"Are you worried that your bastard baby will be a monster like it's father?" To that question, they all turned around, Elliot and Fin reaching for the reporter.

"Man you don't bring her child into this you son of a bitch!" Fin yelled as he reached for the reporter at the same time that Elliot grabbed the guy .

"Get her out of here!" Don said to Nick as Elliot had the reporter by the collar, and Fin grabbed his mic. Don and Munch went to pull he and Fin out of the melee while Nick and Amanda got Olivia to the car and drove off.

* * *

Later at the hotel, there was a small celebration going on in the living room of Olivia's suite but she had excused herself to go and lie down before they took to the road, which had been pushed back until after the rain let up since it was now coming down hard. Feeling tired, she kissed Don and Munch and retreated to the bedroom and now lay there, still in her clothes but sans shoes and sleepily running a soothing hand across her belly.

There was a knock at the door when suddenly Elliot came in. "Just wanted to make sure you were alright." He said as he walked over to the bed where she lay.

"I'm okay; just tired." he sat down and let his hand join hers on her stomach and the baby started doing flips the moment he touched Olivia. "Serena...baby, calm down a bit!" She said softly while steadying her breathing. This was definitely one of the least enjoyable things about being pregnant the further along she got. It was tight in there and movement like this, she felt like her insides were being yanked and shifted.

"Looks like I riled her up." He said with a smile on his face, looking down at her belly with pride and putting his other hand down on it. "Didn't I, princess?"

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?" The baby continued on her little gymnastics episode as if she were showing off for Elliot.

"Hell yeah, man do you feel that? She is strong!"

"You know what her mama is? Tired!" She said and quickly shooed his hands away.

"Sorry!" He had a big, overly cheesy smile on his face and though she wanted to be be mad, she couldn't help but laugh, he was so cute when he was goofy.

"If you're sorry, you'll go and let me rest! El, I promise, I'm fine." He looked at her for a moment then decided to believe her.

"I could rub your feet"

"Go!"

"Okay...get some rest." He said and kissed her on the forehead. "Serena, you simmer down for mommy, we'll pick this up later!" He said to the baby and kissed her belly. For a moment, she got emotional but didn't let it show and when he got up, she was thankful, not sure she would've been able to hold back her tears. "and In case I didn't tell you, I'm proud of you!"

"You have; you all have but thank you." He nodded on his way out.

"Oh, and they say this rain is gonna stay until early tomorrow; you mind another night here? We'd go, but don't wanna drive through it with Serena..."

"It's okay" she told him, smiling. "we'll leave tomorrow."

"Good, I'll be outside if you need me." He said, turning around and leaving the room. She lay there still rubbing her belly and looked over at the window and seeing the rain still coming down in torrents, she remembered how it rained the day she escaped her prison, the day she escaped her tormenter.

_She stood momentarily motionless as she held his severed penis in her hand then brought the scalpel down into his chest, screaming as she stabbed him; she didn't know how many times. She just stabbed until he went silent then threw it down and ran. She didn't remember much after running away from that house but she remembers that she ran for her life._

"...and today I got justice, though I wish it had been him." She thought as the baby began to kick underneath her hand. "You are definitely my daughter! ...and you are not what that man said. You have a home, and people who love you. I know that early on I didn't wanna believe that you were here and then when I did believe I just wanted you gone… but I love you baby girl! Even if sometimes I go a little crazy, I love you regardless of who you came from."

"You are the reason I was able to get through today; you know that? You're gonna be the reason I get through a lot of days, you are; and I can't wait until I get to hold you in my arms...you saved me baby girl, and even though I'm gonna make mistakes, I'm gonna try to be the best mom I can be for you. You would make me tired and then have to pee when I'm comfortable." She laughed. "Your mom's tired so let's see if we can make it up without calling anyone!"

* * *

"How is he?" Dr. Chanel Greyson asked as she stopped and checked on the patient as she was heading home for the night.

"Well, the swelling in his brain's been alleviated but he still has the other injuries. It's gods call from this point."

"Poor guy. I wonder if he has a family. Are they looking for him? Where did he come from?"

"I don't know but he should have someone here...he won't make it much longer." The nurse said.

* * *

Later that night after everyone had left to go back to New York, Elliot was sitting on the couch watching a game while Olivia was standing looking out the living room windows, all the lights on.

"It's really coming down out there, I hope everyone made it back safe." She said with a hand to her back and the other one on her belly.

"I'm sure they did." He turned off the TV and walked over to where she was standing.

"Serena's so hyper!"

"Today was a big day for her. An even bigger one for you. Can I hold you?"

"I think I'd like that." She smiled with her back turned to him as she looked out the window. When Elliot put his arms around her, she tensed at first then quickly relaxed into his body as he stood there and held her from behind, resting his hands on her belly where he began rubbing soothing circles. When he did this with just the right amount of light pressure, after a moment the baby responded by settling down.

"How do you do that?"

"Magic." He laughed and held her tight. "You've been so quiet all day; what are you thinking?"

"Just… El; do you think...I'm dirty?"

"Do I think-" He turned her head to look at him "Where's this coming from?" She turned her head back towards the window and continued staring out for a moment then turned her body around towards him.

"Do you? Honestly?"

"Never once!" He said, looking into her eyes. "...and that's the god-honest truth. Olivia what happened to you, happened to you, I never once let it change the way I see you."

"You haven't?"

"No; and you have to stop letting it change the way you see yourself! Olivia, I spent a lot of years running away from what I feel for you but I'm not running anymore. I want us, I want us more than I've ever wanted anything and that scares me to death, but it still feels so incredibly right. All the years I kept you waiting; I've thought about it for years but I just...it was so complicated. Wanting to do what was right. I never should've put you on hold!" He said, caressing her face.

"I did my part at keeping you away"

"Because of me and my indecisiveness. Olivia...I've loved you from the first day you walked into the squadroom; I did, it was wrong because I had a wife but I couldn't help it, I loved you; I love you and I know how much I hurt you, you never said it but I knew and I have wished every day that I hadn't, that I had done things differently but I feel like we've been given second chance and I know it's been a long road but I plan to do things right this time if you'll let me, I just need this chance."

There were tears in his eyes as he looked at her; so sincere, so full of love and honesty that she shed tears too as she looked in his eyes. This time, it was her that kissed him first. She went in slowly; their foreheads touching as she caressed his neck, noses close and lips skimming one another's as their tears fell. She looked up at him, he down at her, no words, just the sound of them breathing against the sounds of the rain outside and when her lips touched his, it was unlike anything he'd ever felt. It was unlike anything she'd ever felt because finally, she was surrendering her heart to him with this kiss and in that moment, she didn't have a thought about everything she'd been though; there was only that kiss. That beautiful, sensual kiss that had him running his fingers through her hair and each of them trying to pull the other so close. His tongue slid past her lips and the kiss deepened just as she pulled away, them struggling for air.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing…" She said as she stopped for a second, every nerve in her body on fire and so was his.

"Liv, I'm sorry if I-" but she put a hand to his mouth.

"If I told you that I wanted you; that I wanted you to make love to me…" she said in a whisper.

"I'd ask, are you sure?" he said, skimming her lips.

"And if I said I was? If I said I'm more sure than I've been of anything in a long time? I love you Elliot!" He smiled and kissed her, picking her up as he did, her arms around his neck and carried her to the bedroom where he laid her down. Standing above her, he looked at her lying beneath him, looking so beautiful. He removed his shirt; god, he wanted her in the worst way but he asked again before he went any further.

"You're sure you wanna do this?"

"If I said no, would you be angry?"

"Never. We'll go as slow as you need to." When she reached out to him, he took her hand and lowered himself down to the bed where she stared into his eyes before she took his head in her hands and they kissed and with him hovered over her, he began to undo her blouse, untying it and revelling for a moment when he pulled it open.

"You're so beautiful!" He said before his tongue was in her mouth, kissing her long and deep.

They made love that night and it was slow and sweet and beautiful and gentle. Him stopping to make sure that she was alright with it throughout. When she came, she came in tears, not because it felt so good, but because she was with the man she'd loved for so long and because he was loving her in a way that let her know that she was beautiful and wanted. She could tell not only in the things he said but the way he touched her! She must have had four climaxes before they were done and she felt him in every part of her body from her hair down to her toes and when she came that last time in a spooning position, them coming together as she cried his name and he kissed her as she grabbed his hair from behind her, she knew that this wasn't a mistake, that she'd chosen the right thing as she came down in his arms and he softened inside her.

He took off the condom and tossed it in the wastebasket before he wrapped his arms around her again, and littering her sweaty skin with kisses as she wept.

"Did I hurt you?" He asked.

"No...you could never."

"Then what's wrong?" He asked as she entwined their fingers, holding him.

"I'm happy! I'm really, honestly happy!" She said in tears. "Everything I want is right here in this room; I love you and I always will!"

The outside world or what was in her head couldn't come between them that night as the rain fell and they kissed as she lay in his arms, feeling so protected. This was what she had been missing those three years and now she had it again, that sense of undoubted love. Tomorrow they would go back to the city and she was sure that troubles would come but for now, they had tonight and as she lay in his arms, she was so thankful to have him back and to know that this time, he was hers. Nobody else's but hers.

* * *

**See y'all soon!**


	45. Going Down

**Not much to say. Dick Wolf owns his, I own mine. Enjoy.**

* * *

.

Christmas Eve came and for the first time in a long time, she felt blessed. She had good friends in her life who had gotten her through this past year and who she honestly didn't know where she'd be without, and she was especially blessed to have Elliot back in her life.

She was surprised when his kids came over on Christmas eve; none more surprised than Elliot. Maureen brought her husband and Kathleen brought her girlfriend but it was Dickie that had him near tears when he showed up. It took him a while but he was coming around to forgiving Elliot for leaving and decided the first step would be the holiday.

Though the kids had their own plans on Christmas, they came and spent the whole day, all except Eli. Kathy still wouldn't allow Elliot that kind of leeway with him. They still hadn't told the boy that Elliot was his father yet; point blank, she didn't feel that it was something they needed to do right now and Eli didn't exactly know Elliot well at all, so it made the choice easy for Kathy.

After a day spent with the kids, the girls going on to Olivia about how they respect her so much for what she's doing with the baby; they had their hands on her belly half the time, talking to Serena and the other half catching up with Elliot, exchanging gifts and having dinner; it was nearing 10PM by the time they all left. Wishing Olivia good luck, they promised Elliot that he'd see them again soon for another family dinner.

When they left, Olivia sat staring at the tree. It was a huge one; seven and a half feet and so beautiful with all the ornaments and lights, the beautiful angel at the top. She'd never seen anything so beautiful and to think that she took part in decorating made it all the more special. After Elliot had locked up, he came to join her, bringing her a mug of cider.

"Today was a great day" He said, taking a seat beside her where she sat on the floor, looking up at the tree.

"It was." She took a sip from her cider. "I haven't had this much fun in a long time; it hasn't really felt like Christmas in a long time...not since my mom died." A few tears escaped her eyes and she quickly wiped them. "I'm sorry...I'm so emotional!"

"I noticed. You cried about 30 times today." She laughed as she leaned into him and her smile quickly turned to tears.

"You had such an incredible day with your kids and here I am…"

"You miss her; especially now. You're about to have your own baby; her namesake soon, it's natural." He said softly, wrapping her in his arms. "Hey, you think you have it in you to climb the stairs?"

"That depends; what am I climbing for?"

"It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises"

"Just trust me!" He said as he got to his feet and put out his hands for her. She looked at him for a moment then decided to go with him, surprised and touched when she arrived upstairs. "Merry Christmas!" He said upon opening a door that was wrapped in a giant pink bow. He flicked the light switch and she was bathed by a soft light that illuminated a beautifully decorated nursery in hues of rose pink and cream.

"What did you do?" she asked in shock as she carefully walked into the gorgeous nursery.

"...little magic"

"Elliot…" She uttered, completely blown away. She stepped inside and looked at the crib with the canopy, beautiful pink ribbons hanging from it with cream and pink tulle that matched the cradle and rocker perfectly that Fin had given her. Even her name, 'Serena' carved in beautiful pink letters and hanging from the wall. Everything in the room was done in a matching motif complete with the framed pictures of Serena Sr. sitting atop the mantle of the fireplace. "How did you…?" There were tears in her eyes as she looked around the room, speechless. She didn't know how he managed to do it with her in the house most of the time and just the fact that he did.

"Very carefully." He said, and he did. Having Nick, Fin and Amanda come over to help at night when Olivia was sleeping, or on days when he'd escort her to appointments, one of them would sneak away from work and help with the furniture. They worked off and on for 10 days and finally got it done the day before Christmas eve. "I hope you like it."

"It's beautiful...and you got my mother's pictures" she cried as she lightly traced with her finger, the things that touched her most though the whole nursery was unreal.

"I hope you don't mind, I went through your photo albums and took a few."

"I can't believe you'd do this for her!" She said with a hand to her belly, smoothing it to the underside then rubbing the top with her other hand; she was in full blown cry mode at this point. "I'm sorry!"

He kissed her forehead as he pulled her into a hug before sitting her down on the loveseat that was littered with stuffed animals and he pulled up the footrest and sat himself there so he would be face to face with her and took her hands in his. "I was hoping you'd decide to stay. I want this to be your home, yours and hers."

"You really mean that don't you?"

"I do Liv"

"Elliot… I can't… you and me, I don't…"

"I think I know what you want to say and it's okay. Liv I don't want you to feel that I'm rushing us; we made love and it was beautiful, but this can only work if we go at the pace you set and believe me, I'm okay with that."

"You are?"

"I am" he said and kissed her hands. "but I want you to know that you're home; that no matter what…"

"I'm home?" She had tears in her eyes again and he reached up to her face to wipe them away.

"You're home!" For a long moment, she sat thinking about what he said before she looked at him.

"Tell me again that you love me." She said.

"You know I do."

"But tell me anyway?" He laughed sweetly and kissed her hand and her belly, making her laugh.

"I do love you! I love you and I want you to believe that." He kissed her again, this time, both cheeks before he kissed her nose then looked into her eyes before he brought his lips to hers and kissed them sweetly. His kiss made her body react quickly and she gently pushed him away to break it. "So is that a yes?"

* * *

"Still no change?" The doctor asked. Another week had passed and somehow, the nurse thought through the grace of God, the patient held on and was even functioning without a ventilator for the last three days.

"No change. I don't even know how he's held on this long; it's as if he's holding on for something or someone…"

"I just; I can't believe the police have found nothing. But then again, look where he was found; in trash. Maybe he belongs to no one." If only the doctor had known that that's why the Staten Island cops didn't bother to investigate or circulate. As far as they were concerned this was just another homeless guy who got drunk and fell down and hurt himself. He'd die soon and they would be rid of him.

"It's such a shame, we don't even know your name." She spoke softly to the patient. The swelling had all but completely gone down and for the first time since he'd been there, she was able to see his looks. She could tell that he was once a handsome man, boyish looks that were now marred by the scars of his attack.

She had taken it upon herself to put a Christmas tree, though small, in his room. It sat on the bedside table that was pushed far back to the end of the bed. Small, it only stood a foot and a half but it lit up and she thought that he could use some cheer to block the gloominess that seemed to cover this room.

The doctor got up from his chair to check the man out and while the doctor was looking into his eye with the light, suddenly, it opened.

"Sir? Get somebody from neuro down here now!" He yelled to the nurse, who ran quickly from the room. "Sir, can you hear me? Do you know where you are?"

The patient looked directly at the doctor before reaching for the his hand and passing out again.

* * *

They would be working tomorrow but tonight Darrell and Amanda were taking full advantage of the time they had together. It was just after midnight and they were on the floor having just finished making love in front of the fire, Darrell pulling the blanket up around them as he held Amanda in his arms, on top of him.

"It's still snowing outside!" She said, looking at the giant floor to ceiling windows that covered the loft space.

"It's beautiful. Merry Christmas!"

"Is it?"

"It's after midnight"

"So it is" she said, kissing him. "I know that you don't celebrate it, but thank you!"

"Hold that thanks!" He smiled as he got up and with his body perfectly naked, walked across the room to a cabinet and took out a small box that was concealed by his large hand. Not that Amanda wouldn't have noticed anyway as she was watching his beautiful nakedness and imagining what she'd like to do to it all over again.

"I don't celebrate, but I know you do; and well, Merry Christmas baby!" He said presenting her with the box as they sat on the floor. Open it" he smiled. She did and and was beyond shocked to see what he got her. Inside the box was a round 2 carat diamond solitaire pendant attached to a simple platinum chain.

"Darrell...it's beautiful!" She was practically in tears as she threw her arms around him.

"You like it?"

"I love it! Put it on me?" She asked and turned to allow him to pin it, him taking the time to kiss her neck, making her want him even more. With it dangling from her neck, she again turned to face him, sitting on his lap.

"It's gorgeous; but you know what's even more gorgeous?"

"Don't; I feel like an idiot because I didn't get you anything."

"Hey; you are my present! I love you, Amanda!" He told her as they sat looking into each other's eyes, hers filling with tears.

"I love you too Darrell!" She smiled before they kissed, hard and full of passion, him going down to her neck where he skimmed her jugular with his teeth before soothing it with his kiss and worked his way down to her breast, pulling a nipple into his mouth. Later on, when they were lying together and listening to the sounds of the snow falling quietly. He wrapped her in his arms and kissed her.

"I don't want to keep us hidden anymore." She said. "I wanna love you and I want the whole world to know it."

"We're in for it with 1PP, but I'll take a thousand punishments if it means that I can be with you; we'll tell them after the New Year." She looked up and they kissed a final time before they drifted off to sleep with her in his arms.

* * *

Still unbelievable to him, she'd said yes to his invitation to stay with him at the house, deciding that there was no reason for her to move on. Elliot, she knew, was it. He was her one and it really made no sense to leave. The fact was, she loved him; she loved him then and she loved him still; he loved her still. They'd been through so much together and still had a lot more that they would go through but when she thought about what it was that she wanted, she knew that she didn't feel safer anywhere in the world than she did with him.

This morning, a little after 8 and she and Elliot were still lounging around in bed. Her, propped up with her body pillow, pretending to be asleep while he watched her belly, playing a little game with the baby where she'd poke out a hand or foot and when he'd touch it, Serena would quickly draw it back and start again. He'd gone maybe 5 minutes like this before Olivia, unable to withstand it and laughing, interrupted him.

"What are you doing?" She said softly, her eyes still closed.

"Serena and I got a little game goin." He said, still watching her belly. This time there was no poke. "Well that's great little miss, quit on me!" He said to the baby.

"I'm up, she has no need." She laughed, rubbing her belly as he kissed it then made his way to the head of the bed, throwing his arms around her.

"You're more fun! Good morning!" He said as he kissed her on the cheek, snuggling up to her backside. "This okay?" She turned her head to kiss his lips.

"It's more than okay." She said as she snuggled closer. "Thank you for staying with me last night."

"You don't have to thank me. You were having a tough time." She took his hand and kissed it, pulling it tighter around her. "You okay?"

"I am now." she said then suddenly turned pale, shooting up from the bed and ran for the bathroom. Elliot got up to see about her, noticing that she was throwing up as he got closer to the bathroom.

"I'm alright...just a little nauseous." She said just as she heaved again into the toilet. Scared, Elliot came in and went to her, getting down and holding her hair back. Immediately, feeling his hand she remembered Harlan grabbing her hair from this same position and beating her senseless before he…

"NO!" She screamed and quickly backed away into the corner, terrified and in tears.

"Liv...honey it's just me." He said, slowly coming towards her but she was already trapped in the flashback and began fighting him from her corner as she saw Harlan, beating her viciously.

_Bronwyn watched in horror as Harlan snatched Olivia up from the floor, bent her over the sink, pulling up her gown as she begged him not to in front of her then began begging Bronwyn to look away when he wouldn't stop and began violently fucking her while threatening his wife with an even worse fate if she dared look away. _

"Not in front of her; please!" She cried.

"Olivia" Elliot spoke softly to her "Olivia, listen to my voice baby, you're safe. He can't hurt you. You're safe." He watched with bated breath as she, seemingly snapping out of it, looked around the room with wild eyes.

"He wouldn't… He wouldn't…" She said in tears upon realizing where she was.

"I know" Elliot said as he very carefully pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly when she was there.

"He wouldn't stop!" She cried in his arms. "I begged him and he wouldn't stop...he never stopped! He never stopped!" Her tears were hard and it seemed that her cries couldn't be soothed as she sat there and let them out while he held her and he went through a million emotions himself. The main two, how he loved this woman literally to death and he would do anything, go to any lengths to see her happy. And two, he thought how he wished to god that Harlan wasn't dead, he'd make him pay for every ounce of pain that he'd caused Olivia, tenfold.

* * *

That morning, the Special Victims unit was visited by Captain Vickers from the Missing Persons unit in Manhattan along with Lieutenant Tucker who immediately drew eyes when he walked in the doors.

Fin saw them approaching and immediately dismayed, let out a warning to his fellow detectives and Murphy who were nearby and caused them all to look up. "Incoming!"

"Hold your noses" Murphy said to Which Fin, Nick and Collins laughed. "Captain…" he couldn't remember the guy's name. "Lieutenant Tucker; what can I do for you?"

"A word in your office; Tutuola, Amaro, that includes you!" He snapped and walked into the office with Captain Vickers, Fin and Nick sitting for a second and looking at one another before they got up to follow.

"Hey, uh Fin." Collins called as he was walking towards the office.

"Yeah? Make it quick Collins!" He said, looking back at the office.

"Later, do you think I could talk to you and Amaro? It's important."

"Sure thing." Fin said, eyeballing him with uncertainty. He knew that Darrell had been sneaking around with Amanda and had a feeling that that's what the talk was about.

"Okay. We'll hit the bar later!" He said and Fin turned around and went, with Amaro into the office and shut the door.

* * *

After he'd finally gotten her to calm down, he got her to sleep for a couple hours then later they went out and took at walk through the park to take her mind off things. He was still a bit worried about her but she insisted that she was alright.

"Elliot, please stop. I said I'm fine and I meant it!" She said as he helped her off with her coat once they were back home.

"Do you know what it's like to see you go through that? Not just this morning but any of it? Liv it scares the hell out of me cuz I don't know if maybe that'll be the time you can't come back…" She took him in her arms and held him, him getting teary.

"I'll always come back, I've got you and my baby girl to make sure of it!" She promised and kissed him gently on the lips, them embracing again before the doorbell rang and they quickly dried their eyes before answering.

"Glad we didn't sit!" He said to her laughing and opened the door to see Nick and Fin. "Hey guys; what are you doing here?"

"Hey El...uh we came to see Liv, we got some news!" Nick said.

"What kind of news?" She said with her hand on her belly and one on her back and took a deep breath.

"It's about Brian; we found him!"

"Found him? I don't…"

"Liv…" Elliot said. Easily reading their faces. Nick and Fin looked at each other before Fin continued.

"Missing persons in Staten Island got a call three weeks ago but they sat on it and the doctors called Manhattan this morning only when they looked at the details of the case it turned out to be a special victim's case… Liv, he's in a coma!"

* * *

At the hospital it was overrun with police. Now since Manhattan missing persons had been called, on to IAB and now SVU, Staten Island had a lot of explaining to do about why they did nothing with the missing persons report for three weeks. This was a cop. A cop that could have been found earlier, that they could have been investigating who did this to him and why but now they may never know. But all of that was unimportant as Fin, Nick, Elliot and Olivia rushed through the doors of the hospital, Olivia trying desperately to keep it together but failed miserably the moment she walked into his room.

She cried as she went to his bedside and held his hand. Fin and Nick had filled her in on everything they knew and now she was just beside herself as she looked him over and touched his face with delicate hands, she cried even more. His eye was wrapped where it was missing along with a piece of his skull.

"_Liv...you're here!" _

"Oh god, who did this to you?" She whispered tearfully.

"_Liv listen to me; he's alive...Harlan's alive! He did this to me!"_

Just then his mother emerged from the bathroom and Olivia jumped and let out a small scream while holding her hands to her chest and baby.

"Mrs. Cassidy…you scared me." It was a bit hard for her to stand from the chair in which she sat, but she managed. "I-I didn't know you were here, I'm sorry." She said as Brian's mother stood seemingly frozen and looking towards her, settling her eyes on Olivia's belly. It made Olivia a bit self conscious and she began soothing the baby who was now kicking up a storm.

"I um…" Olivia looked back at Brian then at his mother again.

"_Liv, listen to me!"_

"Is it true?" Joanie asked a confused Olivia.

"True?"

"May I?" She asked her, gesturing towards Olivia's stomach.

"I don't um…" But she was surprised and a bit dismayed when Joanie navigated to her belly, not waiting for an answer and placed her hands upon it; Serena kicking even stronger while Olivia stood there receiving the unwanted attention and bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to not say something.

"Brian's child?"

"_Mom."_

"Excuse me?" She said, having had enough and moving the older woman's hands away from her. She never did take well to his mom but they were always cordial for Brian's sake but now...

As she took a few steps away, giving Joanie room to go to Brian, after a moment in which she gave Olivia a look that could have killed and that sent a chill through her, she went to him and sat at his bedside.

"He told me he thought he might be the father." She said, holding his hand. Olivia was stunned almost into silence but she found a small voice.

"He had no right to tell you that!" She said in tears.

"_I didn't, and I'm so sorry. But Liv listen, you have to…"_

"Didn't he? Brian told me everything; he always did since he was a little boy! He was stressed and called me from the hospital, said that you wouldn't give him a paternity test."

"It's not that simple"

"Isn't it?" She turned away from him to face Olivia. "You know, I tolerated you because he loved you and when finally he got some sense and left you I thought, 'finally'! But then you had to have him a final time, didn't you? …all he wanted was to know if he fathered this child so that he could be responsible, and you...you denied him!"

"I didn't-"

"Don't you stand in front of me and call my son a liar. You know, I hope he's not the father so you can get the hell out of his life, once and for all but if he is, you'd better be prepared to fight because I will not leave you to raise my grandchild!"

"Does everything come down to this? I feel terrible for what happened to him but let me make it clear when I say that NO ONE is taking my daughter away from me!" She cried.

"_Mom no! Please, listen to me!"_

"This is your fault! If he hadn't been upset by you, he wouldn't have been out drinking and some maniac wouldn't have had the chance to find him vulnerable and do this to him! Maybe you are having that rapist's baby so you can get out of our lives! I don't want you here Olivia; now get out and don't you dare come back!"

...

A half hour later, she still sat in the hall outside his room in tears.

"Liv, why don't you let me take you home?" Elliot said to her. She looked up, tears streaming her face and she shook her head 'no'. "Liv, there's nothing you can d-"

"Don't! Just don't!" She said without turning around and walked away crying silently; though not silent enough as she walked out of the hall and that one, not-so-silent sob broke his heart as Elliot went after her.

* * *

"I can't believe it. What the hell did Cassidy do to make somebody wanna take him out like that?" Fin said as he and Nick waited at the bar for Darrell.

"I can't stand the guy and even I admit, it's extreme. What do you think it was?"

"Could be payback for somethin that went down while he was in narcotics."

"What makes you think so?"

"Think about it, he's IAB now, investigatin other cops, I could be wrong but I don't think a cop would come back that hard - I mean, they found a broken bottle in his ass. That's some deep-seeded shit right there!"

"Hey guys." Darrell said as he entered the bar and sat down at the back table where Nick and Fin had been waiting.

"Alright Collins, what's so important that you had to see us?" Nick said.

"Thanks for meeting me."

"You said it was important?" Fin asked.

"It is. Hi, just club soda please." He told the waitress as he pulled off his coat. "We're telling the brass at 1PP after the new year but we wanted to tell you guys first."

"Tell us what? You and Amanda got something goin?" Fin joked but realized the seriousness of the situation when Darrell laughed nervously.

"You know, it's funny you should mention that!"

* * *

Later that night at the house, her back in pain and her baby moving about avidly, she sat on her bed. "How about you take it easy on mommy?" She said to the baby as she got up to stretch her back and walk a few steps as Elliot knocked and came in.

"Hey"

"Hey. What are you doing up?" she asked.

"The question is, what are _you _doing up?"

"I can't sleep!"

"Can't or won't?"

"A little of both"

Liv you can't keep walking around, it's late, you need to rest."

"Tell that to the little one…" she said as she rubbed her stomach. Although being still upset over Brian and at the things that his mother had said was the real reason she was up.

"I know you care about him but…"

"But what? His mother thinks I caused this and I don't know, maybe she's right; maybe if I hadn't been…"

"Stop! You weren't wrong for what you did. You needed time, it's not your fault that Brian couldn't understand that and it's certainly not your fault that he ended up getting attacked." He said as he put his arms around her.

"Then why does it feel like it?"

"If you didn't feel some responsibility, you wouldn't be you but I don't want you to let her get in your head, she's angry and she just needs someone to blame. Now come on, let's get you to bed."

She didn't want to admit it but he was right, her whole body was screaming in pain and she was exhausted! If she wasn't carrying a baby it would be easier but she was, and she had to think about Serena and right now, the baby was telling her to listen to Elliot, to get some sleep.

She got in, asking Elliot to stay with her and with her head on his chest, she was out as fast as it took her to get comfortable and she slept like a baby all night not having realized she was so tired.

...

The next morning when they got up, she was feeling nauseous again, certain now that it was her morning sickness returning. This time though, Elliot had learned from his mistakes and didn't dare go near her while she was over the toilet throwing up but insisted when she came out that they go to the doctor's, just to be safe.

...

"Don't worry, everything's fine...sort of. It's just morning sickness." the Doctor said.

"Now? I'm 8 months pregnant, isn't that a little past due?"

"Not really. Some women don't get it at all, some get it just at the beginning, some women get it throughout and for some, lucky you, it can come back in the last trimester."

"Great!" Olivia said, dripping with sarcasm. "So you said "sort of" fine what's wrong?"

"Your blood pressure. I thought that we'd be able to keep it down without medication, but it's not good."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning that for now, I'm gonna admit you while we start you on medication."

"Is it that bad?" She said as she held her belly.

"It's not good, and if we wait or send you home, it could get worse. Have you had any headaches?"

"I have but, I mean everything's been so stressful lately and I just assumed…"

"Olivia, you can't make assumptions about your health. Especially at your age and especially when you're pregnant at your age with all the issues you've had so far. I'm glad that Elliot brought you in today."

"So what now?"

"Now, I'm gonna get you admitted, and get you settled and we'll take it from there. I don't want you to worry, I'm gonna do everything I can to keep this little one safe and her mom too!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Hamptons, Harlan sat with the TV on and muted from where he was in bed sick with pneumonia. He was barely conscious but when he saw what looked like the news, it caught his attention and he opened his eyes fully and found the remote to turn up the volume just in time and what he saw definitely caught his attention.

"_...what can only be described as a bizarre turn of events, a man was found here in a garbage dump in Staten Island three weeks ago, with no ID or way to identify him and at the time, doctors reported it to local police… _

"Garbage dump… Sounds like my last kill!" He thought.

_"Funny...if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were somebody else!" Brian Said._

_"...and who might that be?" Harlan asked as he picked up a broken two by four with two nails attached to the jagged end._

_"A loser who better be glad he's dead!"_

_"Well we cayn't all be glad now can we, Brian?"_

_"Wait, what?"_

Laughter came from him as he remembered, and he coughed up a hunk of phlegm. Especially the way he went down once he was hit. "Good times indeed!" He said and turned back to the television.

"_...NYPD Detective Brian Cassidy who has miraculously survived. Police are investigating and the public is asked that if you have any information that will lead the arrest of…"_

He went whiter than he already was, turned off the TV and nearly hurt himself coughing terribly and causing great pain in his lungs and ribs and he coughed up more phlegm as he called to his wife. "Bronwyn!" He yelled "I need water heifer!"

* * *

**More to come.**


	46. Don't Stay Buried

**Chapter 46 picks up where the last left off.**

* * *

"_I'll be honest wit you Collins, you seem like an okay brotha but I can't say I trust you, in fact I don't trust most men when it comes to Amanda. She's been hurt and I don't wanna see her go through that again." Fin let him know, straight and to the point._

"_And I respect that, which is why I'm coming to you two before we take it to the brass. I'm in love with her and she loves me too. I know you guys are like her family and I wanna let you know that my intentions are good ones; I only wanna make her happy and it would make her extremely happy to know that we have your blessing in a way so I'm asking that you give it."_

_Amaro sat there remembering that phone call he'd heard the end of and wondered just how much Darrell loved Amanda. If he really did then he'd tell the truth about the phone call, right?_

As he sat at his desk, searching the criminal database for a suspect, Darrell remembered vividly the conversation he'd had with Fin and Amaro. It was pretty pleasant until Amaro asked him about the end of that conversation he'd had with Bronwyn and he'd lied still and said it was a wrong number and the woman had gotten ripe with him. He didn't know how to tell them that he'd gotten mixed up with Bronwyn and that she was blackmailing him into helping her; he wasn't even sure with what he was helping her with at this point. Only being told to keep his phone near and wait for instructions.

He thought Amaro bought it and that was good. He'd gotten he and Fin's blessing and that's all that mattered for now though he knew that he had to figure a way out of this mess if he was ever going to consider getting more serious about Amanda.

"Hey." Amanda said from behind him, startling him from his reverie.

"Hey you."

"I was thinking, it's lunchtime…"

"Hungry?"

"Not for food. And the cribs are empty… And I'm not wearing panties!" She whispered in his ear and licked it, making sure no one was within eyeshot of them and quickly walked away. He immediately got turned on.

"Meet you in five!"

"Don't make me wait; I might just rub it out!" She said and went off toward the cribs. He absolutely had to find a way out of this mess with Bronwyn!

* * *

Later that day after the nurses had checked her temperature and blood pressure for the night, she sat up in bed with her cards in her hand and a pile of alcohol pads as the ante on the table.

"Gimme four" She said, handing him her cards. Elliot looked at her with a smile on his face like she had just made the stupidest poker mistake ever.

"You want four cards?"

"Mmhm, four cards." She reiterated. "Is there a problem Stabler?" She said with a smile of her own.

"Nope. Four it is!" He dealt the cards to her, his smile even slyer now that he was sure his hand was unbeatable. She put the cards in her hand then looked over at him.

"Tell me again, what does it mean if I have 4 kings?" She asked innocently to which his smile immediately disappeared.

"It means you win!" and he turned his hand with three of a kind, aces high, in on the table.

"I'll be sure to remember that in case I ever get it!" She laughed, turning in a hand that had one pair of matching cards- a pair of 3's and took all of the alcohol pads.

"You rotten little cheater!" She laughed as he stood and drew into her. "Can I kiss you?"

"Thought you'd never ask!" She said as their lips met in a smoldering kiss then let out a small yawn. "ooh, excuse me!"

"Tired?"

"A little."

"Get some sleep, I'll be right here when you wake up." He said with a kiss.

"How about you lay with me?"

"I think I can do that." He said and quickly toed off his shoes and climbed into bed with her, once again snuggling up to her backside where he kissed her on the neck.

"You smell so good!"

"You feel even better!" She said as she turned her head to kiss him on the mouth. "Tell me again"

"That I love you and that you're the only one for me, forever?" She smiled and kissed him again, and he put his hand in the v of her shirt, making contact with her nipples. She moaned in his mouth as they continued, revelling at the feel of his hand but with them being so sore she had to quickly divert it.

"You okay?"

"That feels good but they hurt."

"I'm sorry!"

"It's alright. How about you…?" She pulled his hand to her lips and kissed it before slowly guiding it under the covers and between her legs.

"I can do that!" When he inserted his hand in her panties and found her clit, rubbing her there, she smiled euphorically. "You like that?" He whispered.

"I love that!" She said breathily.

"We're gonna get caught!"

"Then you better keep going...oh god!" She cried as the feeling intensified and she began to moan as her wetness flowed.

"That's it...just relax." He said as he rubbed her a bit harder.

"Elliot...oh...!" She said and shrieked a bit loud as the pressure was building. It felt so good that she let go of his hand to reach back and grab his neck, writhing in total bliss as she bit her lip to keep from screaming. After a couple minutes, she came with Elliot kissing her as she calmed down. "I want you inside me!"

"We don't have a condom." He reminded her. He was hard enough to split a rock and as eager as he was to get inside her, he had to think of her first and he wasn't sure how she'd deal with him releasing in or near her where she could see it. The last thing he wanted to do was traumatize her in any way.

"I can't…"

"Hey, it's okay."

"I don't mean to be…I'm Sorry." She said, practically in tears.

"Liv, one step at a time, you'll get there!"

"What if I don't?"

"Then you don't. My loving you isn't predicated on whether or not we can have sex and if and when we do, it's at your pace and at your discretion okay? Come here." But instead she turned to get out of bed.

"I have to take a shower." She said as she struggled, holding the side rails to get up and going straight for the bathroom when she did.

"Liv-" But the door to the bathroom had already closed and Elliot was left feeling that he'd screwed up..

* * *

It's been days for her and no sign of him. It's as if she'd imagined that he'd come back. But he did, he was here, so why can't she feel him?

The last words he said to her _"Sorry. My advice only works if it's just you and me; not him. I'll be back when you're clear on that!"_

But what had he expected her to do? Just throw Harlan out into the street? She still had love for him and doesn't that count for something?

This silence; that's how it had been. she'd talk to God Baby but he wouldn't reply and she felt so alone. Harlan didn't pay her any attention except to be abusive, even when Christmas came and he couldn't leave the house because he'd was sick with a nasty infection and like the dutiful wife, Bronwyn dropped everything to care for him only for her to be hit and yelled at throughout. Needless to say the holidays were dreadful.

The final straw for her however had started four days ago. Knowing that he was ill, Harlan decided to go for another trip into the city just before Christmas, and when he got there, he went straight to Olivia's building only this time, figuring he was safe from being noticed, he went right up to the doorman and asked if she was home. When the doorman told him that Miss Benson had moved out weeks ago with no forwarding address, Harlan was enraged and stormed out of the building!

At first he tried drinking his anger away but when that didn't work, he went looking for Olivia and finally, when that didn't work, furious, he drove back to the Hamptons and took his anger out on Bronwyn.

The beating and raping went on until he passed out and even then, she was afraid to move for fear that he'd punish her even more. But when she realized after an hour that he was really passed out, she slipped from the bed and went to her bathroom where she saw, over the peeling and spotting, her bruised, bloodied face for the first time since he began and she just broke down and cried.

He slept the day away today, like it was nothing and she had decided that this was it; she couldn't take it anymore and she needed God Baby but he was still quiet and as she heard Harlan getting up, her heart began to pound its way nearly out of her chest. She was afraid of him, especially in his anger and wished she were anywhere but here right now.

"Git mah dinner!" He simply said when he appeared in the doorway in his white underwear. No other greeting, no apology, simply _Git mah dinner! _She quietly went about it, serving him quickly, so glad that his anger seemed to have quelled. It was halfway through their silent supper that he asked her again.

"So what was it?" He said as he tore off a leg on his chicken and took a big bite. "Was you gon tell me she moved?"

"I didn't know." She said so quietly that it didn't register.

"Say what now?"

She cleared her throat and spoke again, this is time louder, though not much. "I didn't know." She lied staring down at her plate on which she hadn't touched a thing. She never counted that a denial so small would send Harlan to beat her again, but then, she didn't know what to expect from him as he got up and shoved her into the floor.

She had had enough. She had her trial starting in just over three weeks and she just couldn't do it like this; she needed guidance. For the first time ever, she started to believe that she just might go to jail. She didn't have the time to wait for God Baby to come around and tell her what to do; she had to think and the first thing she thought was protecting Olivia and the baby from Harlan.

...

He sat looking for any news on Brian. Sick and weak as a baby, he needed sleep but he was determined to know, he had to; his life counted on it.

He'd decided that as soon as he was well, he'd cut his losses and kill Bronwyn, take what money she had stashed in this house then get Olivia and run! He still had 8 weeks before she delivered, that would give him plenty of time to get his health right before he struck.

Luckily for him, he had luck on his side. The article that he'd had Bronwyn read to him an hour ago said that the detective had been comatose now for over three weeks and wasn't expected to recover anytime soon if at all.

"And that's just what I need. Ex boyfriend blowin whistles, fuckin Bronwyn gettin in the way" If he wasn't already dead by the time he got better, he'd have to kill him too.

He had to stop and cough, long and hard, wracking his body, nearly throwing him out of the bed when he turned and leaned off the side of the bed. This pneumonia was killing him. He needed to be in a hospital but that was out of the question. So while he lay here coughing up the thickest, nastiest phlegm and blood he'd just have to let run it's course.

The perils of being presumed dead!

* * *

"What are you doing back in here?" Barba said as he entered Olivia's hospital room the next morning. "I thought we agreed, no more hospitals until the baby comes!" He said with a kiss to her cheek as she came from the bathroom looking pale after throwing up.

"The doctor wanted to monitor my blood pressure meds, they have and I'm going home later today."

"Your blood pressure? How serious?"

"It's under control I promise."

"You look pale" He noted as he took her hand and helped her down onto the small sofa

"Yeah, well throwing up does that…" he started to speak but she cut him off "...morning sickness. This is a surprise, you coming here!"

"We got a Christmas miracle!" He said as he took a seat beside her, and was seemingly in a much better mood than he had been since getting this case.

"It's two days after Christmas but I'll take it." She said. "You seem different."

"I am, I got some good news… Where's Stabler? He actually left you here alone?"

"He had a meeting at the bureau and the guys are tied up at work. Besides, I think I'm okay for a couple hours. So where are we? I assume you want to talk about my case." She said and took a sip of water from her cup on the table.

"Yes, the Sergeant; he wants a plea deal." When he said it, she stopped and sat it down. "says he doesn't want to drag you through a trial."

"How thoughtful!" She sneered, taking off her eyeglasses and setting them down on the coffee table then smoothed the sloppy ponytail in her hair. "And here I was thinking you had _actual _good news!"

"I know it isn't what you wanted to hear…"

"No, what I want to hear is that the remaining seven have been rounded up and bombs have been placed in their ass-"

"Language!" He said, pointing at her belly.

"Don't worry, she's asleep." She said, putting her hands to her belly. "Sometimes I wish…"

"...we'll get them all" he said, his voice soft but sure. "...but in the meantime this guy pleads guilty to all charges, he does twenty five years and that's one less for you to worry about."

"You DAs all practice the same speeches, don't you?"

"Sometimes we have to."

"He took the time to make his way to that state, to that that house and that room; all of them did and none of them, not one took a moment to think about what they were doing. Not even a man who made a vow to uphold the law! Do you know what a hard time I've had believing that there's even a point to what we do since I found out that one was a cop?"

"And I know it's hard"

"Do you? Raf, I can't keep this going; it's taking everything in me and I can't! I'm gonna have this baby soon- what happens when this starts to affect her?"

"And if I could make this go away, believe me, I would..."

Since the case had come to him a couple of weeks ago, he'd been obsessing over every aspect. Determined that he would bring the men responsible to justice; even skipping out on his Christmas vacation plans which didn't sit well with his boyfriend but in the end, he understood why this was so important to Rafael. Olivia was like family and he had to see this through. Besides, Tromsø would be there next year.

"...but you have a job to do!" She whispered.

"_We _have a job to do." He reminded her as he squeezed her hand.

"Take the deal."

"Are you sure?"

"I was sure about Pennsylvania, I'm sure now, and I'm sure that I need this to be behind me." She said as she rubbed the underside of her belly. "Take the deal. Tell me when to show up, I'll be there."

* * *

Later that day at the hospital in Staten Island, Amanda had finally decided that she would go and pay Brian a visit, much to Nick's disapproval.

"_I just think that with the... history you two have…" He said for lack of a better word._

"_You are bein ridiculous"_

"_Am I?" When two of the unis walked by, they both quickly lowered their voices and waited on them to go before they spoke again._

"_Nick, Brian and me were friends long before this...thing ever came up, come on what kind of friend would I be if I didn't go see about him?" _

"_Amanda; just…"_

"_You're bein ridiculous!" She reiterated, laughing, just then the elevator finally came and she stepped on, putting on her coat._

Now, standing there in front of Brian's room, she started to have second thoughts.

She didn't actually _like _hospitals and she liked them even less now because it seemed that every time she had been in one lately, it was somebody she cared about and now was no exception. She and Brian definitely shouldn't have gone there, but she did care about him, and now to know that he's lying here, practically d-

"Amanda, right?" A delicate voice came from behind her and she turned around to see Brian's mother standing there in her miniscule 5 foot, 2 inch frame.

"Mrs. Cassidy." She said, remembering quickly. She'd only met the woman once, for a second back when Olivia and Brian were dating. Who would have thought that she'd remember her?

_And who would have thought that she'd start crying and throwing herself into my arms? _Amanda thought as Joanie did just that, leaving Amanda with no choice but to hold the weeping woman and tell her that it would be alright.

She really hated emotional people.

* * *

"So are we just gonna let it go?" Elliot said as they sat in the kitchen of their home.

"What are you talking about? We discussed what Barba said." She recalled and put a piece of banana in her mouth.

"I meant what happened between us last night."

"Please don't make this an issue!"

"I'm sorry. I just-"

"Elliot please" He knew that some things, she had to to deal with on her own, in her own time. And even though he just wanted to be sure that she was okay, he let it go and they sat there in silence for a minute.

"I just…I get scared thinking what if I'm never normal again?"

"You are normal"

"I'm not."

"You're _your _normal and I love your normal."

"Yeah? And what if you have to deal with _my normal_ for the rest of your life? Why don't you just walk away?" She said through tears. It hurt her to have to say it, but it hurt him even more to hear it and he caught a pained look, like he had just been kicked in the stomach.

"Do you love me?" He asked her, trying to hold in his tears.

"What?"

"Do you love me? You tell me to reassure you all the time, well I'm asking you to reassure me; do you love me?"

"Of course I love you; loving you is the only thing that makes sense in this whole world right now!"

"Then don't ever say that I can walk away, because I can't do that any more than I could quit breathing! I have waited, it seems like a lifetime to be with you and to be able to tell the world that we are and I'm yours and you're mine! We are in this together, I am in this with you no matter what so unless you want out, this is it!"

"I don't; I just don't want you to ever look back one day and say that you regret this!"

"I'm here and I'm in; you gotta trust me on that!" He told her on no uncertain terms and for the umpteenth time as he looked her in the eyes and wiped her tears. She nodded and held him tight when they were suddenly interrupted by her phone vibrating. "Of course now…" She kissed him faintly before she picked it up.

"It's Amanda" she said, looking at the display as she wiped her eyes before talking. "Hey, what's up?" But she heard nothing at first. "Amanda?"

_She didn't realize that she pocket dialed Liv as she rose. "I want you to know how sorry I am, Brian's a good guy and he din't deserve this." Amanda told his mom as she got up to leave._

"_He told me about you two; the time you..." Joanie said as she smoothed Brian's forehead. Shocked, Amanda had to sit back down._

"_Wh- I don't…"_

"_It's okay, I'm not judging you. In fact, I wish that the two of you had decided to keep it going, you're such a lovely girl."_

"_Mrs. Cassidy… Brian and I… We, what happened between us was simply out of frustration. We never; I never intended anything more from it, it was what it was and I'm sorry if that…"_

As Olivia stood listening, she felt her heart drop and without speaking, she hung up the phone and dropped it, leaning on the counter as she began rubbing her stomach.

"Liv..." Elliot called but she was speechless, finally finding a voice after a long moment.

"I um; I just remembered I have to… Excuse me!" She said, steaming mad and now fighting angry tears as she left the kitchen.

* * *

**I deleted chapter 38, which was a note i had included, not a chapter so it may tell you that you're missing a chapter of the story but you're not. See you next time.**


	47. A Moment of Calm

**Back with chapter 47. As I said in the last chapter, I deleted chapter 38 (which was just a note that I put in) so now everything from chapter 39 has been pushed back but you haven't lost anything. Okay, now that that's said, here we are. Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters and I own mine.**

* * *

.

His reveal to Amaro and Fin had gone surprisingly well considering that neither of them trusted him. This he knew, but he was determined that he would fix that; he just had to shut Bronwyn up and get her off his back for good but how? It was chance that she'd decided to call his bluff about the recordings and it just so happened that his phone hadn't been recording that conversation like he'd thought and though Bronwyn hadn't called him in about a week since making that initial phone call, he knew it was just a matter of time. He couldn't win for losing and he had to quit losing before it was too late!

* * *

"Amanda, I'm tellin you now, if that man has done anything to hurt you…" Fin vowed, referring to Collins as he removed his coat and sat in the back booth of the bar.

"Relax Fin, Darrell's bein a perfect gentleman." She said and took a swig from her bottle. "You want a beer?"

"Nah, I'm on the clock… come to think of it, _you're_ on the clock."

"I needed it" She said, taking another hearty sip.

"Uh oh, what happened?"

"Cassidy's momma happened, that's what!"

"The visit didn't go well?"

"The visit went fine until she told me that Brian told her about what happened between us"

"He did _what?_"

"...apparently the man tells his momma everything!"

"And somehow I'm not surprised."He said and took her beer, taking a sip. "Tell me, how did _that _go over?"

"We need a lot more beer to get through that!" She told him then turned and signaled the waitress.

* * *

She sat in the kitchen early morning in her tank and leggings, sipping ginger ale for her nausea while she read the paper and she couldn't help but think of Brian and the last conversation they had. It was so angry; she was so angry that she wanted to hurt him.

_But not like this._ She thought, referring to both the situation he was in as well as her own hurt at the situation with Amanda. She thought about when he'd come to her when she was in the hospital in Pennsylvania and all the times he'd come in the last few months. He knew what he'd done and still he acted like it was nothing. Then of course, there was Amanda; or he _and_ Amanda. She wanted to confront her but when she thought about it; and she thought about it all night, she realized that although she was hurt, in reality she had no right to be mad. She and Brian weren't in a relationship; she had put an end to that the night after they slept together, so why did this bother her so much? _Maybe because they both lied to me!_

"Good morning!" Elliot said as he came into the kitchen in sweats and immediately went and put his arms around her.

"Good morning!" She smiled, turning her head to kiss him.

"Sleep okay?" He asked as he rubbed her belly with one hand while the other picked up her ginger ale and took a sip.

"I've been up since 5; between not being able to get comfortable, heartburn, backache and her moving and kicking; sleep did not come easy."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"No sense in us both being tired" She said just when the baby began kicking and she put a hand over her belly, rubbing it slowly in hopes of calming her. "god, I'm so big!"

"You're not that big" he said smiling.

"You suck at lying!" She laughed as she got up and made her way to the sink with her glass. "I missed you last night."

"You know, there's a solution to that..."

"A) that involves the stairs" Elliot laughed "and B) we talked about this El, I'm not ready to move into your bedroom yet."

"Tell your mommy she's being silly." He said to the baby; his hands lovingly caressing Olivia's belly and she gave a half laugh. "Still thinking about it?"

"is it that obvious?"

"Olivia, you're not gonna get over it until you talk with her."

"And say what? I can't even think straight with this latest sentencing coming up and then the baby is taking up what's left of my brain… Maybe it's best to just let it go." When Elliot got a confused look on his face, she wasted no time in asking him about it. "What?"

"I...you're letting it go?"

"Sometimes it doesn't do any good to fight."

"It doesn't?"

"No, it doesn't. I'm hurt; they both lied to me but it's in the past. I can't exactly put it all on Amanda and if Brian ever wakes up… it just seems silly to argue; I don't need to revisit this." Elliot was about to say something when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it"

"Let me, I could use the walk." She said as she left the kitchen. Arriving at the door, she saw a man with a ponytail on the other side. Immediately she stopped cold where she was standing and her feet wouldn't move as she sank into a memory.

_"Afraid he can't hear ya darlin!" she heard a voice say but it wasn't the voice she was expecting and her heart began beating even faster. "I can see why he was so obsessed" Harlan said as he reached out and caressed Olivia's tear stained cheek and she recoiled from his touch..._

She stood there as the man stood looking through the glass at the top of the door and continuing to ring the doorbell but she was unmoved. Finally, Elliot came out of the kitchen, and when he saw Olivia standing there...

"Olivia?" He asked softly; nervously. Almost instantaneously she snapped out of it and when she looked at him, then at the man outside, she began apologizing.

"I'm sorry!"

"It's okay; stay here." He said as he headed for the door and she stood back as he opened it. "Can I help you?" He asked the man outside on the stoop.

"Hi, I'm looking for uh… oh yeah, Olivia Benson..." He said, chewing gum and bopping to the beat in his large headphones that were around his neck. Olivia got a better look at him, seeing a young man, not older than twenty from the looks of it and suddenly she felt silly for her reaction.

"I'm…" A quick clearing of her throat as she approached the door. She was careful however to remain behind Elliot. "I'm Olivia Benson."

The young man stood there, staring at her chest in awe. She quickly realized she wasn't wearing a bra and pulled her sweater closed while Elliot got mad and yelled at the kid.

"Hey! Eyes up here you moron!" He said, snapping his fingers.

"Oh… Right… Um, Olivia Nip- Benson…" She looked at him before looking at Elliot then back at him and rolled her eyes. "Here; I mean, you've been served!" He said and stood smiling at her as she took the paper he was holding and walked into the living room reading it. "Hey, is she always at attention like that, I mean, woo!" He said grinning heartily. Elliot got angrier and slammed the door in his face then went to the living room.

"Liv…"

She laughed to herself, angrily and dropped her hand that was holding the paper to her side. "Looks like the sentencing isn't the only reason I'll be in court."

"What are you talking about?"

"She's petitioning to get a paternity test." She said angrily and began pacing the room while she nervously rubbed her belly.

"Brian's mom? Well, I mean, that's what you wanted isn't it? A paternity test for him?"

"I didn't want her involved." She said quietly. "I didn't tell you everything about when we went to Staten Island."

"Meaning?"

"She's suing for custody, same as Brian would have if Serena turned out to be his!"

"What?"

"And if she wins…"

"Hold off on the 'ifs'. we don't even know that she's his"

"How am I supposed to do that? El, what if it comes back that she's his and Joanie makes good on her promise? With everything I've been through; Lewis, his father…"

"Liv stop!" He said and put his hands on her shoulders to stop her from pacing.

"I could lose her, El!" She cried as she sorrowfully looked at him.

"You are not going to lose her! I made a promise to you when Brian threatened to take her away, and I'll promise you now; no one will get their hands on this little one to take her away from you!"

* * *

Three weeks later...

In the Hamptons, Bronwyn had gone to check on Harlan to make sure that he was sleeping; albeit uncomfortably so that she could get to the contractors that were waiting on her in the basement.

Last night he was running a temperature of 103 in addition to vomiting and then spitting up large amounts of phlegm before he passed out had to clean it up while grumbling. _...it's okay, he gets better and he's out of here! _She told herself, although unrealistically, but it was the thought that mattered and at the time she thought.

"And this room, it's soundproof, correct?" Bronwyn asked as she took inventory of the now completed area. The men had just finished putting in the furniture after painting and Bronwyn was quite pleased with the way things looked.

"Yes ma'am, fully soundproof." The construction worker said. "All I need is for you to sign and we're done."

"You don't know how much I appreciate this" She said as she signed the receipt on the clipboard 'Lucy Rogers'. "It's really beautiful!"

"We take our work seriously."

"So I see." And she handed him an envelope that was full of money as the last two men cleared out. "Thank you again."

"Thank you, Ms. Rogers!" He said and left, leaving Bronwyn in the just completed space. She looked around at the freshly painted walls; a beautiful lavender. She'd read that the color was very calming and that was important, to keep the mother calm. After all, she'd be spending quite a bit of time here. The only thing she was worried about was the fact that she was forced to build the room here, after she'd already repurposed the one at her home in Manhattan but who was she kidding? Those rooms couldn't be used, how would she even get her in the house without drawing attention? Out here it was nice and quiet and empty at this time of year, all she had to do was slip her past Harlan and she'd be set.

She was also happy that her hearing was in a week and Olivia wouldn't be around for it. She figured with her not showing up, she'd have a very good chance of getting off, not realizing that she was already done for. The cops and case Judge in Pennsylvania were still looking for blood and she was next in line to be drained unless her team of lawyers could pull a miracle.

* * *

Brian's mother had gotten him transferred to a hospital closer to home and she still wouldn't allow Olivia anywhere near him even in spite of the paternity test. She really believed that whatever happened to him was Olivia's fault and she wouldn't budge on that. Now a month after finding Brian in the hospital, he still made no progress in his condition and in fact, it had gone downhill over the last couple of weeks.

His brain function had remained, though lessened since he'd begun having seizures two weeks ago. He'd had seven of them since they started; each one leaving him with less and less, the latest one this morning and the doctors worried that his next one could kill him.

"You have to wake up soon baby…" His mother said as she sat by his bedside. She'd been by his side everyday except when they'd gone to court and prayed for him to wake up though it did no good. He was deteriorating fast but his mother refused to see it.

_I need you to please bring Olivia mom, Harlan is out there, he's not dead! Why can't anyone hear me?_

"You don't have to worry, the paternity test will be back any time now and I swear to you, I'll get that baby if it's yours and raise her right. That woman doesn't deserve to have your child."

_This isn't why I wanted custody. I only meant to give her time to get things together… God why is she doing this? Why won't anyone listen to me? He's out there!_

"It's okay. You rest, sweet boy." She said, stroking his hair. "Momma's gonna handle everything." She promised with a kiss to his head.

* * *

"Man, it's freezing out there!" Fin said as he and Nick entered the squad room.

"Good thing I'm stuck inside!" Amanda laughed.

"Yeah, go ahead and brag!" Nick said.

"Hey, you're the one who let me slip on black ice!"

"Never gonna let me forget that, are you? How's your foot?"

"Well, I should get the brace off by Monday so…" she put up a finger as her phone rang "Special victims unit, Detective Rollins speaking. Yes…" Amaro turned to Fin

"Ay, you got the Aroyos file?"

"Yeah, right here!" Fin said, giving Amaro the file from his desk. "Though I don't know what you expect to find; I been over it a million times."

"I know, that's why I'm gonna have Liv take a look at it."

"Now why didn't I think of that?"

"Cuz you're not me!" Nick laughed, causing Fin to smile. Just then, Murphy came out of the office'

"Amaro; got a minute?" When Nick went into the office, Fin was about to get up when Amanda finished her phone call.

"I think Olivia knows" She said, low key.

"Knows what?"

"About me and…" She looked around the room before she continued. "...Cassidy"

"Did she say somethin?"

"That's just it; she didn't but…"

"But what? Look, Liv is pretty straightforward, if she knew…"

"The old Liv was pretty straightforward, this new Liv...Fin, she knows."

"This is why I hate that you told me. I don't want the responsibility that comes with knowin everybody's secrets… What makes you think she knows?"

"I've been around her three times in the last month, and every time, she started to say something to me but she pulls back."

"That doesn't mean anything. She's like that now."

"Fin…" She let off a sigh of frustration. "Mrs. Cassidy must have said something to her. It's the only way."

"Look, if you feel that strongly about it, and obviously you do, or you wouldn't be sittin here talking to me; go to Olivia and tell her the truth, make it right."

"And what if I make it worse?"

"Then you live with it but at least you'll have your cards on the table!" He said, then walked away as she sat debating her options.

* * *

"_Sergeant Benson"_

"_Yes your honor?"_

"_I see here that you've already had an amniocentesis performed with a paternity screening for this pregnancy?"_

"_Yes your honor."_

"_Then there wouldn't be any invasive procedures performed on the fetus since there already is a test on record. I'm ruling in favor of Mrs. Cassidy…_

Two weeks ago and she could still see the smug look on Joanie's face as the judge made his ruling.

"_Damn her!" _She thought. She kept telling herself to remember what Elliot said; Joanie wouldn't gain custody. "Unless the test comes back that this is Brian's baby and that bitch..." She said to herself as the doorbell rang and she struggled to get up from where she sat on the sofa, folding clothes.

"Look at you, you're huge!" Barba said to Olivia with a kiss to her cheek as she arrived at the door and opened it. "How have you not tipped over?"

"Don't remind me."" She said and ran her hand over her massive belly. "Come on in." She sat down with his help once they got to the living room and went back to folding the baby clothes that had just come out of the dryer.

"No more knitting?"

"Gave up on it." She laughed. "So…"

"We have news"

"Lemme guess, the lawyer and the banker; they wanna stop this insanity and plead out?" She said and kept folding.

"I said we had news, not a miracle. Unfortunately the smug bastards are still hoping to get themselves off though I don't know how. Olivia, the cop he killed himself." There was a slight pause, her seeming unaffected by the news and kept folding. "The prison called me this morning; he uh, he left a letter for you." She suddenly stopped cold.

"I don't want it."

"I figured you wouldn't. But, I am legally obligated to give it to you so…" He took the sealed letter from his briefcase and handed it to her but she wouldn't even look at it.

"Is that all you wanted? Cuz I have a ton of things to get to today…"

Sitting the letter on the coffee table, he got up. "Are you going to be alright?"

"I'm gonna be fine, I just don't want to read a letter professing how sorry he was since he had time to think. I heard enough of it at the sentencing hearings and I don't need to hear more. I'm over it. So if you could take that with you and throw it out, or burn it; whatever you do with it, just- I don't want it."

"You're sure?"

"Beyond. Trust me, I don't need it!" She said and went back to folding while Rafael sat there staring at her with a huge smile on his face. "What?"

"I'm just glad to see you're moving on; I know it took a lot but I'm glad to see it. So, you want some company until Elliot gets back? Speaking of, where is he?"

"Another meeting at the bureau; He's gonna be going back to work after the baby comes, so…"

"What about you? You given any thought to-"

"Actually I uh, I met with the commissioner yesterday." She said, still folding. A long, silent moment passed and finally, he spoke after the realization hit him and he collected himself.

"You're not coming back, are you?" He said with impromptu tears that quickly made their way down his face. She shook her head giving a somber 'no'.

"Too much has happened and I just… I can't do the job anymore. Reagan wants me to wait until June to make it official; my 20 is up and my full pension kicks in."

"You're really leaving?"

"Yeah; it's best." She said and wiped her tears. "I haven't told the guys yet, so…"

"No worries." He said and wiped his eyes. "So what are you going to do?"

"For now, I'm gonna raise my daughter, be the best mom I can and continue therapy."

"And career wise? If there's a career wise?"

"I don't know. I have a law degree that I got to satisfy my mother when I was younger and never used; maybe I'll finally take the bar, or be a crisis counselor. I haven't really decided; maybe I'll do nothing!"

He sat for a moment, looking at her and so full of emotion. "I'm gonna hang out here for a little while, you don't look like you'd make it to the door again to lock up after I left!" He said with a grin on his face to hide the tears that was quickly replaced by laughter when a sleeper flew across the room and covered his face then slid down onto his lap.

* * *

"Hey Fin?" Darrell said as they were driving back to a the precinct in the middle of the day. After he and Amanda told the brass that they were seeing each other, they got off easy and were not allowed to be partners or do any work on the same cases. They were waiting on Darrell's transfer to Brooklyn SVU and felt that it was fair considering how hard they could have come down on them, they were both grateful.

"Yeah Collins?" Fin said as he sipped coffee on the way.

"Let's say hypothetically you had someone blackmailing you and you had no leverage to get out of it…" Fin sat looking at him. "Not for me!"

"Uh huh! Well let me ask you a question _hypothetically _what would this person be blackmailing you with? Hypothetically!"

"I can't say really, being that it's just a hypothetical you dig?"

"Yeah, I dig." Fin said. He didn't trust this cat as far as he could throw him but he played Darrell's _supposition _game and answered him anyway. "If it were me, I'd tell this person to hell with them!"

"But what if that didn't work? Let's say this person was threatening someone you loved? ...hypothetically."

"Darrell, imma ask you, is it somethin I need to know?"

_Tell anybody about this, and I'll make it happen even faster than you ever thought possible… _"No. Like I said; it's just a hypothetical!" He said and forced a smile while they drove on but the truth was, he needed help and fast!"

* * *

Later at Amanda's place, Olivia had just come in and sat down.

"Can I get you somethin?" Amanda asked.

"No, I'm fine. Besides, I think you'd be better keeping off that foot. How's it doing?"

"It's actually pretty much healed; I'm gettin the brace off on Monday so…"

"That's good"

"Yeah… Um, I wanted to um… This is harder than I thought." She said, fidgeting with her hands. Olivia just sat on the sofa, with her hands on her belly.

"It helps to breathe."

"I guess it does. Liv; the reason I asked you over… Has Brian's momma said anything to you about...anything?" Olivia shook her head, amused as she was hurt at the situation before she spoke.

"You mean about you and Brian? No, she didn't."

"Then how'd you-?"

"That day you went to visit him; you accidentally pocket dialed me and I heard…"

"Oh god! Liv, I'm so…"

"Save it." She said with a hand up. "Please. I've been going over it in my head and while I realize that I had no claim to Brian when it must have happened, I'm curious just _how _it happened? When?" Amanda looked at her with tears in her eyes that she fought not to cry and she spoke softly.

"The night before we found you. He, I don't know, we were commiserating over how much he was missing you and it just happened. We never had any feelings, it was just; we reached out in a moment and that was that." She said when the door suddenly opened and in walked Darrell. Both Olivia and she looked at him when he entered, Amanda wiping her eyes.

"Amanda, I really need to- oh, Sergeant Benson. I didn't know you were here; how are you?" He said.

"I'm doing okay, and please, it's Olivia." She said with a smile while simultaneously feeling nervous and rubbing her belly as she needed something to do with her hands. She didn't mean to but she still didn't know Darrell and like with all men she didn't know, a flag went up whenever he was around.

"Olivia...I'll remember that." He smiled genuinely. "Getting close I see" He said referring to the baby.

"Yeah, four or five weeks." She looked at Amanda. "I'm gonna go." She said, not looking forward to struggling to get up from Amanda's sofa. It was one of those big, oversized pillowy numbers and suddenly, Olivia regretted sitting on it.

"You don't have to." Amanda said sadly.

"I do actually…" She tried to get up, but the damn couch was just swallowing! "I have dinner plans with Elliot and I have to get changed, so…"

"Do you need some help?" Darrell offered. Olivia sat there for a split second then quickly swallowed her apprehension.

"Please" She said. Darrell wasted no time in offering his hand and arm, to which she held on and was quickly pulled to her feet. "Thank you."

"Oh, no problem. That couch can be tricky." He smiled.

"Tell me about it." She found herself giving him a slight smile. _He wasn't so bad after all,_ she thought and grabbed her coat.

"Why don't I walk you out? D, I'll be right back." Amanda said.

"Take your time. Nice seeing you again, Olivia.

"Nice seeing you too, take care!" She said and was quickly out of the apartment.

...

"Liv… I…"

"Amanda, it's already forgiven." They were standing downstairs in front of Olivia's SUV. "I understand."

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do. I just… Amanda, you lied to me; again. He lied to me."

"And I wish I could take it back, I swear!"

"There's no sense in wishing you can change the past, trust me. This is exactly why I didn't want to bring it up; I've just...we've been through so much with me trying to trust you and I know that you're not alone in this, Brian is just as guilty but I really...I'm gonna go." She opened the car door and got in.

"Liv"

"Amanda...it's forgiven!" She said and shut the door, driving away.

...

She came back into her apartment to find Darrell putting on his coat.

"I'm sorry baby. I thought we had a minute but Fin just called, I gotta go."

"Duty calls, right?"

"Hey, what went on with you and Olivia?"

"Something that shouldn't have… You'll be back tonight?" She asked. He knew she wanted to talk about whatever it was and felt terrible for having to go.

"I'll be here. I'm sorry I have to leave but I promise, we'll talk when I get back." He said as he wrapped her in his arms and leaned into her for a sensual kiss. "I love you; no matter what, always know that!"

"I love you too!" She cried, hugging him tight. She loved him so deeply, she couldn't put it into words. No man had ever come into her life and given her so much as he did and she knew beyond a doubt that he was her future. Now, even more, she hated what she had done with Brian, not just because of Olivia, but, because she finally had something real; some_one _real and she loved him so. "Please be careful out there!"

"I have to be; I've got you to come back to!" He said as he looked into her eyes. He saw hope there and he slowly leaned in and kissed her one last time. "I gotta go."

If only he'd known that he wouldn't be back.

* * *

"El?" She called as she came in the door, stopping to lock each of the three locks and arm the security alarm before she took off her coat and hung it there in the small foyer. "Guess I beat him home!" She said and walked into the living room, checking through the mail.

"Hey darlin!" It came so clear but she knew it had to be her imagination. Still she stopped cold, her heart racing at the sound of that voice. She remembered a time when Billy was the most terrifying thing she could ever imagine and now he seemed like child's play compared to his father!

She saw him there, sitting on the couch and drinking tea ever so daintily.

"How's my baby boy? Just a matter of time!" He said as he sat the cup down on the saucer and got up, coming towards her.

"_You're not real!" _She said, eyes closed.

"Is that what you think?"

"_YOU'RE NOT REAL!" _She said louder, not giving any room for her mind to doubt this apparition and she opened her eyes to find him gone.

"Hey, there you are!" Elliot said, coming from his office. "Who were you talking to?" She started to speak but immediately threw herself into his arms and held him tight.

"Nobody...I'm so glad you're home!"

"I'm here babe; it's alright!" He said, holding her just as tight. He knew she had a reason for being like this but still, he just held her. "You okay?"

"I am now." And she meant it; he somehow made the monsters in her head go away and she felt safe with him; her prince. "Let's not go out tonight!" She said as she pulled away.

"Are you sure? We still have an hour…"

"I'm sure. I just wanna take a hot bath and relax; you don't mind do you?"

"Of course not." He said and kissed her nose. "I'll cook us something and we'll catch a movie on TV, how's that sound?"

"Like heaven!" and in all actuality, it did. She never dreamed that when she said the word _home _that it would be a place filled with love, and most of all, a place where Elliot was; finally he was hers and she, his and that was heaven to her.

"Come on, I'll run your bath." And he put his arm around her as they started to walk towards her room.

"You're too good to me." She said and looked up at him, kissing his lips.

* * *

It was all a mess. A hostage situation and they couldn't wait for the negotiator. This guy had three kids and his wife in there; they had no time to wait, but they didn't count on things getting so out of hand. No one knew that the father would lose it so quickly and that he'd start putting bullets in his family members, starting with the wife; a blow to the head and she was gone as his kids screamed and cried. Next, his 14 year old son but by then Fin and Darrell had charged inside the apartment and as Fin's gun went off, so did the fathers; only it didn't hit his son and as Fin's bullet hit him, his bullet hit Darrell, piercing his liver and hitting a blood vessel.

As the rest of the cops poured in, Fin ran to Darrell who was partially sitting up by the wall where he'd fallen, his gun beside him.

"Call a bus! Collins!"

"Is...is the kid alright?" He breathed out, short and quick breaths while Fin put pressure on the wound but it was already too late. The bleeding was bad and Fin knew by the color of it, practically black, that he wouldn't make it.

"He's fine, don't talk" The blood was coming out at an alarming rate and it was all Fin could do to keep his wits about him. One of the cops came over, handed him some rags and reassured him that the ambulance would be there within minutes, but it wasn't enough and Darrell was already losing consciousness.

"Tell Amanda; tell her I'm sorry… I tried to get out but she threatened… I'm so sorry…!" He stammered then he just stopped; no movements, no anything as his eyes remained open and looking into nothing. He was gone and Fin silently cursed himself; he could not break this to Amanda!

* * *

"Elliot…oh god, please don't stop, don't…." She cried out, giving a high moan as she rode him, her hands on his chest as she pushed herself up and down. _Jesus, he feels so fucking good! _She said to herself as she squeezed her eyes shut.

"Liv, baby, don't close your eyes…" He said softly, struggling just to get the words out with the way her body felt so good on his, he could have this forever and never need another thing except the strength to keep going. He was so deep inside and wished to god he could be deeper; she drove him just that crazy. "That's it, keep them on me!"

For her, as she opened her eyes and met his, she saw nothing but pure love looking back at her. There was love in the way he touched her, love with how he spoke, even when there were no words; so much love!

Being with him made her forget all the things that made today so unbearable; the two rapists that would force her into trial, the cop's suicide and his final letter to her, even the paternity test that would be back any time now, they just seemed to disappear when she was in his arms; when he was inside her.

"Oh my god...Elliot; baby…" She cried, her nails clawing at his chest as her orgasm approached. Later when it was over, she lay in his arms trying to breathe. "You know, we hadn't since..." She said while turning on her back..

"That night in Pennsylvania...and the next morning; and all afternoon …" He said coming closer to her while she laughed. "You kept me going! But holy shit Liv, that was so worth the wait!"

"So, you've been thinking about it?"

"In not so many words? ...yes. I've been thinking about it very much...probably more than can be considered healthy…I have dreamt about making love to you again ever since that night!" He said looking down at her.

"Why haven't you?

"Are you… Liv, I can't; I need to know that you're alright with things; that it's okay for me to-"

"El, you don't have to wait for me to initiate sex."

"I'm sorry. I don't know how this works; if I'm gonna freak you out if I ask; I just want to be sure that you're okay with it. I got you back and I don't wanna do anything to screw that up." She sat up, leaning on her elbow and caressed his face.

"That's why I love you but, I'm not gonna break and fall apart. That doesn't mean that I won't have moments where maybe I'll freak out but I'm fine, I promise." She said and they kissed. "...and hungry!"

He kissed her hand as he smiled and asked her: "What do you want?"

"Pizza with anchovies and roasted pineapple…" She said with a smile in her eyes just thinking about it.

"On your half" He said and she laughed. "Carmine's?"

"Yes please!" She said and kissed him."I'm gonna go take a shower."

"Need some help?"

"I got it" she said as she got up and headed towards the bathroom, the short gown she was wearing falling down around her hips. "Get my food, Stabler!" and she shut the door as Elliot smiled before taking off the condom and putting on his robe.

* * *

**Next chapter...oh boy!**


	48. Before The Storm

**Chapter 48, this chapter is a bit...yeah. SVU characters belong to Dick Wolf.**

* * *

.

When she was jarred by the sound of someone knocking on her door just after eleven, she thought that Darrell had perhaps lost his key and she hurried to the door, not bothering to put a robe on over the very thin nightgown she wore. She'd had this feeling for the last couple of hours that something was terribly wrong and immediately she started making phone calls. Her momma, Olivia… When she found everything to be alright with them, that's when she began to really worry. She never got this feeling unless it was something really bad and for some reason her mind was stuck on Darrell!

She tried unsuccessfully to call him several times. _No biggie _she told herself, knowing that they often didn't answer their phones when they were out on the job unless it was job related. So why didn't this set her mind at ease?

She got to the door expecting to throw it open and see him standing there, to feel his arms around her when she told him how worried she was that something had happened to him. She expected to hear him laugh gently; a smile etched across his beautiful chocolate face when he told her not to worry and held her tight.

"_Nothing will ever keep me from coming home to you!"_

He'd say this and she'd feel better; especially after he'd make love to her until she was literally, too tired to move. She knew what the job brought with it; she was a cop herself but, never before had she known what it's like to worry about another person on such a level as she did with him which was why she was so relieved as she made it to that door and she undid those locks, too many really. She'd be moving in with him in his giant loft soon; the one that she told him a million times was too big but, for now, all she could think about was jumping into his arms. Except, when she opened it there was no Darell, only Fin and she felt an eerie shiver.

"Fin... what are you doing here so late? Where's Darrell?"

"Can I come in?" He said, his eyes wet with tears, he'd seen a man die tonight! Tried to keep pressure on his wound until the ambulance arrived but it was already too late. Now, here he was; after going to the morgue and dealing with IAB; he knew what this would do to Amanda and no matter how he tried to prepare himself before he knocked on her door, nothing prepared him for the shocked silence. It was as if she just turned off and suddenly, there she was. She went silent and she walked into the living room and sat, picking up a picture of them together and stared at it for a long time before she turned to Fin, who hadn't moved from the doorway and said in a broken whisper:

"Take me to him, please."

* * *

At Elliot's, it was after midnight and Olivia, unable to sleep, had gotten up and come into the living room. Her mind had begun swimming again, getting her lost in an ocean of thoughts and the more she tried to drown them out, the more persistent they became until finally she crept out of bed, away from the warmth of Elliot's naked body sleeping so soundly like he always had when he'd had his fill of good sex; and she left the room, being careful to shut the door _though a bomb wouldn't wake him right now! _She laughed to herself and continued down the hall.

When she got to the living room, she opened the coffee table book, the larger of the three and took something out from between it's pages.

Sitting down on the sofa and wrapping herself in the cashmere throw from the side, she rubbed her belly to calm her daughter and also to put herself at ease before she looked at the envelope in her hand addressed simply to 'Sergeant Benson' in plain writing.

_I should have gotten rid of it yesterday! _She thought now that she had time alone. She didn't know why she had kept the letter after making it so clear to Rafael that she didn't want it. She felt like it brought a bad vibe to not just her but to the house and she didn't want to receive it. The cop was dead. He'd done the right thing in killing himself as far as she was concerned; they all deserved to die! But still, she had to know if maybe, just maybe somehow she could find it in herself to forgive and let go which was why when Barba left and forgot about the letter, she put it away until she decided what to do with it and now on this sleepless night, she knew she had to read it even if she'd turn around and regret it. And so, with trembling hands, she tore open the envelope and removed the two pages that were enclosed and turned on the lamp beside the couch with a deep breath.

_Sergeant Benson,_

_I know that there is nothing I can say that will in any way make up for what we did to you but the truth is, it happened, so why should I feel sorry? Make no mistake, the only reason that I'm choosing suicide is because, let's face it, 1) it's horrible for a cop in prison, especially one that's in for rape and 2) I'll be an old man by the time I'm eligible for parole so what do I have to live for? _

Was this real? She could feel the sting of tears in her eyes as she looked down again at the letter. This was what his final words were?

_First off, who knew you were a cop? And with the NYPD? Whoa! I just wanted to tell you that you were worth the $1000 I spent to fuck you! Having you at my mercy, using your body to my satisfaction, how I pleased was the greatest thing I ever did and I only regret that I didn't get the chance to do it again! Especially when I saw that baby bump in court; who knew you were pregnant when we dogged you? I sat in that courtroom just thinking how you would have looked at that moment, on your knees as I fucked you… Oh, I would have loved the chance to bust all over your belly but I guess it wasn't meant to be. Hey, do you remember how we all took turns fucking you in your ass? Lucky me, I got to go first! Just know sweetheart, no matter what anybody tells you, you ARE a whore, and not only that, but you're a terrific one! I mean, you say you begged us to stop, but the truth is you wanted every bit of what was done to you and you loved it! I remember how you came, hell, I bet we all do and I will forever keep those memories!_

_Take care slut!_

_Sergeant Michael S. Newlander_

She immediately began ripping the letter into a bunch of pieces, tears falling while she got up from the sofa, got the envelope that the letter came in and headed to the kitchen, grabbing the lighter fluid from beneath the sink and the lighter from the drawer. Ignoring the fact that she was only wearing a short gown with not much else on, she headed straight out the back door and down the stairs to the fire pit and put the pieces to the letter and envelope in before she soaked them in lighter fluid and lit them, watching them go up amongst the logs, then sat down on the lawn chair and cried as she watched it burn.

* * *

She hadn't even bothered to change her clothes before she and Fin had left the house; she just put in a coat over her nightgown and now, Amanda sat in the hall of the medical examiner's absolutely numb. She hadn't prepared herself for seeing him, his beautiful brown eyes that were still open; feeling him already starting to get cold.

She broke down at the table the minute she saw him; crying so hard, it felt like she'd die right along with him! She kissed him through her tears; several times and when she was able she talked to him but she was so heartbroken that she could barely get the words out.

The whole ride there she imagined that maybe Fin was wrong; he wasn't dead, he couldn't be, this was all a mistake but then they got there and as she went down that hall she started praying as she dragged her feet. _God please… please don't let this be! I'll do anything; just please…! _She quickly found her prayers to be in vain!

"Darrell!" She cried uncontrollably with a hand to her mouth and Fin's heart broke all over again.

"Amanda" but she didn't hear him. She was too lost in her grief.

"You can't leave me, you promised! What about our vows… Darrell please, wake up! She continued to cry, lying on his chest. "Oh god!" She wept.

When she could cry no more, she gently closed his eyes and kissed his lips several times before she staggered out of the autopsy suite and the attending came over to her but she was surprised to see Nick standing behind him.

"Nick!" She cried and fell into his arms.

"I'm so sorry!" He said as he held her.

"We'll be releasing his personal possessions as soon as his mother arrives."

"She's in London and it's okay" she said in her haze, pulling away from Nick's arms. "You can give them to me… I'm his wife!"

"His what?" Fin and Nick both said, shocked.

* * *

Now, sitting in Darrell's apartment; their apartment that they would have shared, she sat on the sofa with Nick, in absolute shock.

"Made you some tea, it'll help you sleep." Fin said to her softly and handed it to her.

"Thanks Fin." She said and took a small sip before sitting it down. "I know that you and Amaro didn't think much of him." He and Amaro looked at one another.

"It's not that, we just…" He started, sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

"He was a good man; one of the best I've ever known. I just wish you all had seen that." She said through her tears.

"Married huh?" Nick asked. She nodded and wiped her eyes but it did no good as the tears were quickly replaced with more.

"We went to Vegas just to have fun for the weekend...get away for the cold weather and that Saturday night he said "let's do it, let's get married" and I just knew it was right. We called our parents after,to let them know… He just knew his mom was gonna freak but she welcomed me... And then she cussed us out for eloping!" She laughed for a moment. "I don't know what I'm gonna do without him!" She said as she cried. He sat on the couch, on the other end of her and held her.

"It's alright, let it out!" Fin tried to comfort her, they both did, but wondered if any of it did any good. At the end, she lost her husband, someone she loved and that had to hurt more than anything.

* * *

Some time later, Elliot turned over in Olivia's bed, reaching for her only to find her side of the bed empty. He slowly opened his eyes and looked to the bathroom but when he saw the door open with the light off, he knew she wasn't in there and sleepily sat up.

"Liv?" He called out in the dark, receiving no answer, he got out of bed, covering his nakedness with a bedsheet that he wrapped on his waist and walked out of the room. "Liv?" He called as he entered the living room. He saw the small lamp on by the sofa and the throw on the floor and he panicked, thinking she might be in labor and he ran for the kitchen, freezing the moment he came near the door. "What the- Olivia?" He called as he went into the kitchen and found the back door open and immediately went out to find her sitting in a chair; no clothes other than her short nightgown, no shoes and seeming in a trance as she watched the fire in the pit with tears in her eyes.

"Olivia…" He ran over, crouching down in front of her and stroking her face as tears fell. "You're freezing!" He said, and without a second thought he removed the sheet he was wearing and wrapped it around her, rubbing her arms through the fabric to warm her.

"He said I wanted it…" She said, crying almost inaudibly. "I never wanted that, I never asked to be held down and...and…" She cried. He didn't know what was going on but her knew he had to get her out of the cold. He didn't know how long she'd been here but judging by her temperature and that of the kitchen…

"Come on, let's get you inside!" He said and helped her stand up, going inside the house and shutting the back door. He walked her into her bedroom where he sat her down on the bed then slipped into his pajama pants. He ran to the bathroom to run a hot bath and came right out; she was still crying when he sat in front of her to warm her feet which were freezing and he immediately began to rub them.

"Olivia, baby, what were you doing out there?"

"I had to burn it!" She said in tears "I never should have let it into this house!"

"Let what in?"

"The letter…"

* * *

Fin had gotten Amanda to sleep in the bedroom and he decided, instead of going home it would be best to stay on the couch in case she needed him and so he looked around until her found a linen closet and he got a pillow to make himself comfortable.

He couldn't believe what had happened tonight; Collins was dead and if that wasn't enough, they found out that Amanda had married this man two weeks ago. How the hell did they not see that coming?

He thought about the conversation he had with Darrell just this afternoon… What was he referring to? Fin knew that it was something he was involved in but what?

_"If it were me, I'd tell this person to hell with them!" Fin told him._

_"But what if that didn't work? Let's say this person was threatening someone you loved? ...hypothetically."_

_"Darrell, imma ask you, is it somethin I need to know?"_

_"No. Like I said; it's just a hypothetical!"_

"What did you do?" Fin wondered out loud.

"Fin?" Nick called, snapping Fin out of his reverie.

"I'm sorry, I guess I got lost in my thoughts."

"How're you holding up?"

"Me? You know how it is."

"Yeah, I do. And I know it's never easy seein another cop get cut down!"

"I wish I could get it to stop playin in my mind but hey, that's the job right?" Nick patted him on the back and they sat silent for a minute until his phone rang.

"Amaro!" He said as he answered his phone "Yeah, okay I'll be right there, text me the address!" And he hung up. "Damnit, I gotta go. You'll be alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. You be careful out there!"

"I will." He said and grabbed his stuff and left.

Fin walked over to the giant windows and looked out for a second then turned around. He had to know what Darrell was hiding and if there was a clue, maybe it was in this apartment.

"God forgive me!" He uttered to himself and went about searching the apartment.

* * *

Elliot had gotten Olivia into a hot bath and now he sat by the tub, bathing her. She told him, though tears all about the letter and she was just a mess. "It feels like every time I start to make a little progress, something has to come along and sideswipe it… El, I'm so tired!"

Now she had gone quiet and just sat there, allowing him wash her and when he got her out, he dressed her in warm pajamas and now he brought her hot chocolate as she sat in the living room under a blanket on the sofa and he sat down in the chair opposite her. She took a long sip and looked down at it.

"He knew he was about to die and the last thing he could think was to be able to taunt me…"

"And you're stronger than his taunting Liv; you have to believe that!"

"I'm not; and that letter just proved it!"

"Liv, don't do this to yourself"

"It's a sign; El, I'm not strong enough to have this baby; to protect her and the universe knows it!" She said looking down into her cup as she swirled the drink.

"Liv…"

"Maybe Brian and his mom had the right idea"

"What are you talking about?" When he asked, she suddenly looked up with fresh tears.

"...that I'm not fit to raise her! How can I be her mother El, when I'm constantly losing it?"

"You'll be alright"

"I won't!" She cried, shaking her head and sat the mug down on the end table. "and I should have seen it sooner; I can't take care of her, El. What happens when I have a flashback in front of her when she's old enough to ask questions?"

"Then we'll deal with it."

"No, we won't." She said as she caressed her baby.

"Liv, what are you saying?" He asked as she tried to collect her tears.

"If the test comes back..." she wiped the tears that were falling from her nose with the back of her hand. "if it comes back and Brian is the father, I'm not gonna fight anymore; I'm gonna give his mother the baby!"

"You can't… And what if he's not the father? Olivia, you have to think about this!"

"I have thought about it. I'm gonna call an adoption attorney as soon as the results come back."

"Olivia, don't do this; you're not thinking clearly okay. You're upset by that letter, you…"

"Don't! Just...please don't!" She cried and got up from the sofa holding the underside of her belly with one hand while she wiped her eyes with the other and made her way through the hall.

"Liv…" But she was already gone. Once inside her bedroom, she sat on the bed and cried for her daughter and herself, for as hard as this was going to be, she knew that she was doing the right thing and that someday Serena would understand; she only prayed that she wouldn't hate her.

"I'm sorry, baby girl!"

She was alone for just a few seconds when Elliot came in the room.

"Please, don't try to talk me out of this!" She cried.

"I'm not." He said, trying to keep his own tears at bay. The fact was, he loved this little girl probably as much as her mother and he couldn't bear to see her go. She would be here soon and he had been waiting for her just like Olivia had. He wanted to tell her and show her how loved she is; he wanted to be a father to her. To hold her when she came into the world and let her know that everything would be alright, just like he tried to let Olivia know; just like he would try to make her understand now and he spoke so softly to her. "I know you need somebody right now and I just wanna be that somebody. I don't understand this but please don't shut me out...please." tears trailed down his face and he wiped them away. "Just talk to me!" He said as he sat beside her on the bed and she threw herself into his arms sobbing.

* * *

The next morning at Darrell's apartment, Fin hadn't really slept all night, he was worried about Amanda and stayed awake in case she needed him but amazingly she slept the whole night through.

This morning he called into the precinct and told them he wouldn't be in; he just didn't feel right leaving her alone especially since Darrell's mother was in London and couldn't get back before this afternoon and she hadn't even called her mom since they didn't much get along. He got up and cleared the couch, putting the pillow away before he made his way to the master bedroom and knocked as he slid the Japanese style doors open and went to look in on Amanda.

"Manda; how you... are you…"

"I'm fine, Fin" she said as she lay there so still. She held his pillow tight, and for the first time, Fin saw her wedding and engagement rings on her left hand. Darrell didn't flaunt his wealth by any means but damn!

"How about some breakfast, I'm sure there's plenty take out menus in the kitchen."

"I'm not hungry...you can go." She said without turning to look at him.

"Amanda, I'm not leaving you like this!"

"Fin please "she was trying not to cry. "I just wanna be alone and sleep." He started to speak but he knew it was pointless and decided to listen to what she wanted.

"I'll call to check on you!" He said, kissed her and left; the door locking behind him. Amanda just lay there, curled up to Darrell's pillow and started to cry again.

* * *

Over at El's it was much of the same thing. Olivia had cried practically all night and she was still set on what she'd resolved to do. Elliot had been there, he'd listened and held her but there was nothing he could've said last night to change her mind. She thought that this was the right thing to do; to give up her- their little girl when she was born.

He knew she wasn't thinking straight and that that letter had spooked her and he hoped that between now and when she actually gave birth, (which could be within a couple weeks according to her doctor) she would change her mind but he didn't have much faith.

"If Barba had just let me beat the hell out of the bastard when he was alive, he never would have written that damn letter!"

This morning he got up and while Olivia was still, mercifully sleeping he went for a run to clear his head but he ran 5 miles and all the mess that was there didn't move. He got home feeling even worse that when he left but he was thankful when he got back and Olivia was still sleeping. She needed it after the night she had.

When the phone rang, he put down his plate and got up from the table to answer it. "Yeah, hello? Oh hey Carolyn… They are? Yes… I will tell her. Thanks for calling. You too." He hadn't hung up the phone two seconds when Olivia came in the kitchen.

"Hey. Sleep okay?"

"Not so much." She said as she went to the fridge and got a ginger ale. Her eyes were red once again, he knew she'd been crying.

"Liv…"

"Please Elliot, I don't need you to make this harder for me!" They were both silent for a moment until he couldn't take it and spoke up.

"What about me? Do you think this is easy for me? Liv, you just told me that you wanna give her up and I know it doesn't matter what I think because I'm not her father but I love her! I sat through all these months and I watched her grow inside you; I was right there when we thought we'd lose her." Both of them were in tears at this point.

"You don't understand-"

"I do understand! Whatever was in that letter made you rethink if you could do this and I'm telling you, you can; _we _can. Ever since you decided that you wanna keep her you've done everything in your power to protect her; you gave her a name; your mother's name. Liv she's our baby how could you wanna give her up!"

"Stop!"

"Liv"

"STOP!" she yelled, her tears coming in torrents. "I love her; she's been growing under my heart and I love her, but don't you see that it's not just that letter, it's everything! It's me and you and Brian and his mom...Elliot they're right; I can't raise her, I'd only screw her up and I don't want that!"

"You won't!" He said grabbing her hands. "I believe in you!"

"But I don't believe in me. I've just been lying to myself all these months telling myself that I could do this!" she said as her tears continued falling.

"You can, you just-"

"No. And I'm sorry that I let you grow to love her but I can't do it. At least if Brian is the dad, his mom will allow me to see her and see how she's growing."

"Liv please don't do this! I am begging you, please!" He cried.

"I'm sorry!" She turned to go out of the kitchen but he pulled her back and held her in his arms. She let out a deep breath as she cried against him for a long moment.

"I'm here." He cried. Even if I don't agree with you, I'm here… I promise, I'm here!"

"You mean it?"

"I do! We'll get through it." He told her and kissed her head and held her tighter.

* * *

At Marilyn Binks' office in New York City, Bronwyn stepped off the elevator and into the reception area. She had a few more meetings with Marilyn before the hearing which was in less than a week and at this point, Bronwyn was nervous, thinking what if she goes to jail.

"Bronwyn!" Marilyn greeted, come on into my office. Kesha, please hold my calls."

"Yes Ms. Binks."

When they got into Marilyn's office and shut the door…

"Once again, we could have done this at my house!" Bronwyn complained as she sat down at the table and crossed her legs.

_We couldn't have, because you're a psycho and I don't trust you._

"I thought it would be best if we came _here_. Coffee?" She offered, making no mention of the fact that the dead baby in the jar was missing. Up until now, they'd done most of the trial prep work by phone because of the holidays that recently passed but today Marilyn thought that she should see Bronwyn face to face. She had some news to deliver and thought it best to do it in person.

"No, thank you. I just wanna get this done and be over with it." Bronwyn spoke honestly.

"Bronwyn… The reason I called you here today; we've got a defense plan for your trial and it's a sure fire win…"

"Then use it!"

"That's just it; we- I wanted to talk to you about it...it's very personal." Marilyn said as she sat down across from Bronwyn and brought the tissues close.

"What is this?"

"Bronwyn...I want you to know that; you have to be strong."

"For what?" When Marilyn hesitated she reiterated her question. "Marilyn… For what do I need to remain calm?"

"A while ago when you asked me about your real father; biological father…"

"And you said you didn't know."

"That wasn't exactly the truth." Marilyn said.

"What do you mean _"exactly"_? Either it was or it wasn't so which is it?" Bronwyn yelled, getting agitated at Marilyn's obvious dodging of the question.

"Wasn't...I've known who he was. I just, it's complicated."

"Then _un_complicate it. Who is he?"

"Bronwyn…"

"Marilyn, who is he?"

"...your dead husband...Harlan Lewis!"

* * *

"I thought you weren't comin in today." Nick said surprisingly upon seeing Fin walk into the squad room.

"I wasn't but Amanda didn't want the company…" on your way out?"

"Yeah, I was gonna go to Liv's, I figured I'd tell her about Amanda before she hears about it on TV. Why don't you come with me? It's slow as hell around here!"

* * *

At Barba's office…

"Mr. Barba, you have Elliot-"

"No need to announce me!" Elliot said as he walked past her, storming into the office as she quickly followed.

"You!" Elliot pointed at Barba who was frighteningly sitting behind his desk and looked up into the man's bloodshot and very angry eyes.

"Sir. I'm sorry!" His secretary apologized.

"It's alright. Please, close the door on your way out." He said calmly; too calm for the way he was feeling right now but, he had faith that if he needed it, security would be here hopefully in enough time to stop Elliot from killing him over..._wait, what exactly was he mad about?_

The secretary closed the door and Elliot turned his attention back to Barba.

"Look, whatever this is about-"

"Whatever this is about? You come into my house, bringing Olivia a letter from the wonk-ass perp that raped her-" Barba cut him off...

"He committed suicide and left the-" only to be cut off by Elliot.

"He deserved to die, that piece of filth, and I hope he's rotting in hell for what he did to her but you; you brought that evil to Olivia!"

"It was just a letter."

"It wasn't just a letter!" He yelled and didn't care who heard. "Did you bother to read it before you gave it to her? Of course you didn't, because then you would've known that it wasn't _"...just a letter!_" It was a vile piece of garbage that poked fun at what he did! It mocked her to the point that it got her doubting herself, and thinking about everything that I'd talked her down from all these months and you would've known that if you'd just read the damn thing first!"

With nothing else to say, he said the only thing he could… "I'm so sorry!"

"You're sorry? Tell that to the little girl that she wants to give up because all of a sudden, she believes she can't be any good to her!"

"Stabler…"

"Save it! And thanks for nothing!" He spat and left the office, flinging the door open and left Barba sitting at his desk. He ran a hand down his face and then angrily sent a bunch of paperwork flying to the floor.

* * *

As Olivia sat in the living room, she couldn't help but think about the letter which led to thinking about those two nights she spent in that basement room and how they used her so bad she literally thought she'd die from the pain, having blacked out so many times only to come to and see it still going on. In spite of how she begged them to stop; even just to give her a small break, her words fell on deaf ears and they continued two, three at a time.

Tears slid down her face as Serena started to kick, bringing Olivia from her dangerous thoughts. "You're awake." She smiled and lovingly caressed her baby as more thoughts ran through her head.

"_I will not leave you to raise my grandchild!"_

Serena kicked even more to get her out of that pattern and she sat rubbing her stomach. "It's gonna be okay, I promise. You'll be happy with your grandma, you'll see...I promise she'll love you!" She said through tears as the doorbell rang. She immediately wiped her eyes before she went to answer it.

"Hey." Olivia said as she opened the front door to Fin and Nick. Her tone was so somber and it was obvious that she'd been crying though she'd tried to get it under control; not easy to do when you're faced with the things she's had to deal with in not even the last 12 hours. But still, she dried her eyes and marched to the door, hoping that they'd just ignore it.

"Have you been crying?" No such luck. "Liv?" Fin said as they came in. "What is it?"

"It's nothing."

"Don't change the subject; if it were nothing, you wouldn't be crying. Where's Stabler?" Nick asked.

"Is that what this is about? Did he do something? Because I swear fo -" Fin started but she cut him off.

"Guys, it's hormones okay? Really, I'm fine." She lied, deciding that it's just better this way, at least for now. She was surprised when Serena began kicking particularly hard, way harder than usual and she put a hand under the side of her belly and shut her eyes, breathing slowly.

"You okay?" Fin said, looking at her and feeling panicky.

"Yeah; her kicks are just insane now!" She said rubbing her belly and feeling emotional, then as if she just remembered... "What are you guys doing here?"

* * *

As she walked into her house in the city, she was still in shock from what had been revealed to her and she immediately went on a search for liquor. She found some in the livingroom; that drink table hadn't been touched since her parents died but liquor didn't spoil and so she poured a whole tumbler full and then realized as she was swallowing the gulp that she didn't drink.

"Damn you!" She screamed out loud to no one in particular as she threw the glass across the room. She was angry at the whole world; angry at Marilyn, that lying bitch! Angry at her mother and father and whoever this Johnnie Lee had been and now she wondered if William knew too. "Harlan's my father!" she laughed out loud while crying. "He's my father!" she cried and turned over the drink table as she sank down to the floor and sobbed. When she thinks of all the things she'd done for him; done_ to_ him…

"I slept with my own…" Suddenly her gag reflex kicked in and she began dry heaving. "Oh god!' she cried and ran quickly to the bathroom, just in time to vomit for real. She emptied her stomach twice, and when she was done she put the lid down and sat against the wall with her head in her hands, crying in deep, pitiful, choking sobs.

_He was Little Harlan's father! That's why he wanted me to get rid of him; he knew! _She thought and threw up again.

"_Okay, that's enough!" _She heard a voice, a voice she recognized but could it be?

"God?" She picked up her head and called out in a shaky voice, looking around the room.

"_Yes mommy, it's me."_

'You came back!"

"_I did but, you have to listen to me, we don't have a lot of time!"_

"Time?"

"_Yes, now I need to know that you're with me and you'll listen to me this time!"_

"I'll do anything you say!"

"_Good. Now that you know that Harlan's your father, you must protect the baby"_

"I already planned-"

"_No, you can't just kill Olivia. Before you deliver that baby, you have to kill Harlan and then you'll be free!"_

"But-"

"_It's the only way...Get Olivia. Kill Harlan. Deliver that baby and go!"_

"And what about Olivia?"

"_You choose. But you have to protect your little brother and you have to do it fast!"_

She immediately dried her eyes and got up to call Darrell.

* * *

Amanda lay, still in bed and still unable to move after last night. She cried and slept and cried some more and slept some more and now she just lay here kind of numb and thinking of Darrell the day they met.

She was so smitten with him from the first day she saw him, never suspecting that he was just as smitten with her as she thought about the first day they met.

_"Hi... Rollins, right?" and he put out his hand._

_"You must be Collins." Amanda said, suddenly remembering his name and shook his hand._

_"Darrell Collins; nice to meet you."_

_"So you're the new detective, huh?" She said, I sure hope you stick around a lot longer than the guy before you"_

_"Guy before me? Here, let me take that" he offered and took her bag as they walked to her desk. Amanda couldn't help notice detective Collins' clean cut features; short, neat locks, a nicely trimmed soul patch and beautiful chocolate skin- he was suddenly nice to look at!_

"Who knew that that would be the start of us?" She said in a barely there whisper, and suddenly the tears started again and she held the pillow tight. She didn't notice that in the living room he had a burner phone or that it was vibrating in the bag with his stuff that she'd claimed from the morgue.

...

"Damnit Darrell, I'm getting tired of this. You call me the second you get this, we're making a move!" Bronwyn said and hung up the phone. Then just as quickly had an 'Oh Shit' moment when she looked at the TV and saw them show Darrell's picture. It was him in his uniform and the reporter said he'd been killed last night.

What was she going to do now?

* * *

Late that afternoon, Elliot walked in the front door to his and Olivia's home he took off his coat and went straight to the living room to sit on the couch. After Barba's, he'd gone and just walked around the city, hoping he'd find some clarity. Something that could make him understand and then when that didn't work, he got in his car and drove out to Maureen's place where he talked about what was going on and got a whole lot of sympathy, but still no clarity!

The truth was, nothing could bring sense to this. He'd told Olivia that he would be here and that they would get through it but he didn't understand. He didn't understand how just that fast she could give up a baby that he knows beyond anything, that she loves and wants. Every day since Christmas eve when he'd shown her the nursery, she'd been in there almost every day incorporating little odds and ends, making sure that everything was perfect for when the baby came; he didn't understand how all that could change and now that he was home, he understood it even less.

He pinched the bridge between his nose as he closed his eyes for a moment before he went to go check on her; she was probably sleeping. He knew that she got a lot more tired now that Serena was so close to coming. Depending on what that test said, she had just four or five more weeks though she wouldn't go that long. The doctor told them recently that she was betting on another week at most.

"A week and she's no longer here!" He said, wanting to punch something. He had to find a way to make her see that giving Serena up wasn't what she wanted or needed and time was against him.

"Hey Liv" He called softly as he went into her room and was surprised to find that she wasn't there. Immediately he went upstairs to the nursery, he knew that she liked to take naps on the couch up there and opened the door when he got upstairs to again, find nothing and he started to feel panic. "Liv!" He called as he went a little further down the hall and checked his bedroom; no sign of her!

He ran downstairs and checked the office, the diningroom, even the laundry room, all while calling her name to no answer. Finally he ran to the kitchen and when she wasn't there he checked the backyard.

"Liv?!"

He went back inside, dialing her cell phone as he did only to be met with her voicemail.

_Hi, you've reached Olivia, please leave a message and I'll get back to you. _Frantic, he left a brief one.

"Liv, baby it's me, call me back!" Then hung up and called Fin.

"Ay, what's happenin?"

"Fin, where are you?"

"Sittin in a bar with Amaro. What's goin on?"

"When's the last time you saw Liv?"

* * *

At her house in the Hamptons, Bronwyn was sitting on the edge of the bed in the basement safe room, waiting for Olivia to wake up. It was so genius; after realizing that Darrell was a loss, she'd…

Olivia was starting to open her eyes, moaning slightly at the pain in her neck where they'd had to put the sedative; chloroform wasn't good for the baby and Bronwyn didn't wanna take chances. She had opened then slightly, the light hurting them as they came into focus and began looking around the room and she realized it wasn't one she recognized.

"Where am I?" She said groggily, not having yet seen Bronwyn. "Elliot?"

"Sorry, your big strong man isn't here!" Immediately she whipped her head around as she sat up and saw her captor.

"Bronwyn...what the hell are you doing?" She was trying to stand up but she was still dizzy from the sedative and went back down.

"What do you think I'm doing?!" Bronwyn said as she put the covers back on her.

"What did you give me?" She slurred as her hand went to her neck, the site of the injection. "Bronwyn…"

"It's okay Olivia, you just rest...we have plenty time to catch up!" and she went to the door, putting in the code.

"Bronwyn, don't go; don't…" She started but was quickly passed out again.

"Don't worry Olivia, I'll be here!" She said and went out the door. "Next up, kill my bastard father!"

* * *

**Mmmmmhm!**


	49. Brewing

**I'm thinking about including an alternate ending when this story is done. Would you guys want to see it? Let me know. Anyway, chapter 49, Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters.**

* * *

.

"It's been hours…" Elliot said, staring at the grandfather clock in his living room.

"Don't say it!" Nick spoke as the three men paced around the room.

"Don't say what? She hasn't called, she's not picking up her phone and nobody's seen her!" Fin said angrily. She couldn't go through this again; _they _couldn't go through this again. No, there had to be an explanation for this, he just didn't know what it could be. He had called everyone and everywhere that he could think of. Elliot had even called all the nearest hospitals and no one had seen her, then finally, in desperation, they had gone to the hospital where Brian was and spoke to his mother but the response they got was less than favorable.

"_What? She's disappeared? And you expect me to believe it's just coincidence that she does so two days before the judge reads those results? I don't know what kind of game you all are playing…"_

"_I assure you Mrs. Cassidy, it's not a game." Nick said, trying to be much more calm than he felt. Who the hell did this woman think she was?_

"_This from the man who pulled a gun on my boy?" She reminded Nick, pissing him off even more._

"_Mrs. Cassidy, look-" Elliot started but was quickly cut off._

"_No, you look; you can play house with her all you want, I don't care, but if she's not back here by Monday…"_

"_Thank you Mrs. Cassidy!" Elliot said, his nerves beyond irritated, and stormed out._

Now they had run out of options and still, nothing!

"I knew I shouldn't have left her alone; she wasn't thinking straight!"

"What are you talkin about?"

"Yesterday she got a letter from the cop that raped her… He killed himself and he wanted to; I didn't know until last night when she read it; whatever was in that thing, it upset her so bad that she started talking about giving the baby away"

"So it wasn't hormones…" Nick said.

"What do you-"

"Fin and me came over earlier today and it was obvious that she'd been crying but she said it was her hormones. We let it go, and went to Amanda's and that was that! I can't believe she'd wanna give up the baby, I mean; that's a bit harsh over a letter!"

"Believe me, I know this. She's scared and upset; she doesn't mean it...she just doesn't know it!" Elliot said.

"Look, maybe she just wanted to be left alone to figure things out!" Fin said, hoping again. Elliot was about to speak when suddenly his phone alerted him to a text message.

_[I'm alright. Needed some time away before the baby comes and my life changes; please don't try to find me and let Tutuola and the squad know as well.]_

"What the hell is this?!" He spat, shocked and angered, turning the phone around so that Fin and Nick could see. "is this somebody's idea of a joke?" He said as they read the message.

"I can count on one hand the amount of times that Liv's called me Tutuola!" He said as Elliot then started dialing on the phone. "I hope you're calling who I think…"

"I'm sure as hell not waiting for NYPD to screw this up again!" Elliot said and put the phone to his ear.

* * *

Pretty clever of her to send that text from a burner phone, or so she thought as she took out the SIM card and trashed it along with the phone.

She'd gotten Olivia in without so much as a peep from Harlan. He was still sleeping most of the day so it was easier than she'd thought it would be, on both ends. After all, it was Olivia who went for a walk all by herself; even though it was just on her block but, she made it so easy for Bronwyn's guys to follow her; empty block that time of day with it being winter and everyone indoors. She couldn't have planned it better if she'd tried!

When they had gotten her here and Bronwyn had them put her in the room she prepared, she stayed with her, and waited for her to stir and she didn't let her waiting time go unused. She talked to God Baby the whole time while she took off Olivia's coat, hat, gloves and boots, then emptied her pockets and bagged the items to throw them out. She ran to the garage and deposited the bag in the trunk of her car, then went back to the basement room and sat with Olivia and waited; not considering it the least bit creepy when she lifted Olivia's shirt to marvel at her belly.

"Oh, he's just beautiful!" She cried, whispering as she looked at it. "God, isn't he splendid?" She asked God Baby as her hands began to travel the expanse of Olivia's belly, fawning over it and poking her navel softly. Her own...well she didn't get far enough in her own pregnancy to have her belly button stick out and she was in awe at Olivia's as she smiled euphorically.

"_You're finally getting what you wanted mommy; don't blow it!"_

"Not this time!" She answered to the voice in her head then turned to Olivia's stomach once again as she lay sleeping before her. "You'll be mine… I'm gonna be your mommy; yes I am little one!" She then said, and like a true psycho, she lay her head down on Olivia's stomach and began planting kisses to the exposed skin while her hands gently caressed it, before reluctantly getting up and going to the kitchen to prepare some food for when Olivia woke up. After all, she had to make sure that her little one was healthy!

A little over an hour later when Olivia woke up, her head pounding and her eyes hurting, she groaned painfully while lying there. Her head was feeling that it would burst open and she sat up partway, in tears from the pain.

"El!" She called. "Elliot...!" Louder and more urgent. She let out a deep, shaky breath and threw the covers back, attempting to get up and looking around slowly. "This isn't…" She ran her hands through her hair and moved to stand up, as soon as she did, nauseousness hit her hard and sent her reaching for her stomach as she held on to the wall by the bed, taking deep breaths as she tried to calm it.

Trying to deal with her sudden sickness she winced at the sharp ache in her head at the same time before she stood up as straight as she could, keeping her hand on her belly. She thought she'd throw up, and standing by the bed, she hadn't moved, not sure if she could as sick as she was feeling and slowly sat back down before it overtook her and she dropped to her hands and knees.

That shot that Bronwyn had given her to put her to sleep had triggered all the symptoms she was feeling; she'd had a bad reaction to whatever it was and mixed with the medicine she was already taking for her blood pressure was a bad idea, and she threw up just as Bronwyn came into the room with a tray of food.

"No! I just had that floor done!" She said as she ran the rest of the way in when she saw what was happening.

"W-what did you give me?" Olivia asked before she violently threw up again.

"Don't worry" she said as she sat the tray down on the small, wooden table and went to grab a towel. "...it was just a little something to make you less...viable for a little while."

Olivia wiped her mouth with the back of her hand then, sat back against the bed and closed her eyes; running her hands over her belly as she forced in clean breaths, though it didn't help, and the nauseous feeling remained along with the pain in her head.

"You s-stupid bitch!" Olivia said in the loudest tone she could muster at the moment which wasn't much and it came out quite low with her breathing labored. She wanted Bronwyn to know how dangerous it was but like most things it was lost on the redhead who saw no harm in any of it.

"First off; language Olivia! You don't want the baby to hear that, now do you? And I didn't use the chloroform like they suggested." Bronwyn stupidly stated, giving a look that said _I'm offended _before she began cleaning up the mess then stopped and turned to Olivia who was still slumped on the floor. "You don't look too good, come on…" And she helped her up to sit on the bed against the headboard.

"W-why am I h-here? What…" She swallowed the bile that quickly rose in her throat, trembling. "What do you w-want from m-me?" Quickly learning what a mistake it was to swallow. She spotted a wastebasket next to the bed and grabbed it, vomiting into it while Bronwyn grabbed a bottle of water from across the room.

"Drink this." She ordered, holding the now open bottle to Olivia's mouth but Olivia, still nauseous in spite of just throwing up, pushed the bottle away. "You need the water; just please, drink it! There's nothing in it...I swear; see?" She said then waterfalled the bottle over her mouth and poured some in, swallowing it and re-offering the bottle to Olivia who still pushed it away. "Suit yourself." She said and sat the water down on the nightstand beside Olivia and went back to cleaning the floor.

"I'm p-pregnant...why would you...?" She asked and took a shaky breath through her nose. The damn nausea wouldn't give, nor would the headache that was threatening to split her head open and once again she found her eyes glistening with tears. "Why am I here?" She asked again, still somewhat confused but sure that she was in trouble. Something felt so sinister about this and not just the fact that she was now locked up and Bronwyn held the key.

"You, are going to provide a service!" She said as she put the last of the dirty towels into the garbage bag and got up.

Olivia thought about what she could mean, not having to think long as she looked down at what was cradled in her hands. "My baby?"

"Gold star for you!" Bronwyn laughed. "Now, just so you know, because I know that you and I have trust issues but no harm will come to you while we're waiting for my little darling"

"She's n-not your baby!" She said, still in a low and sick tone before she dry heaved over the pail.

""She" ? Obviously you're mistaken but, it's okay...you're still a bit loopy from the sedative!" She said, moving Olivia's hair out of her face.

"Don't touch me!" Olivia spat, then turned her attention to her stomach, the nausea was still raging and she began rubbing it in order to calm it even though it did no good. Bronwyn looked on jealously.

"There's food on the table…" Bronwyn said, her expression unreadable. "And the bathroom is to the left. I'll be back to check on you soon."

"Bronwyn wait; don't leave me like this!" She cried "I need a doctor; please!" She begged, not even having the strength to get up.

"You'll be fine, don't worry!" Bronwyn said and started to leave the room.

"Don't leave me l-locked up in here; I can't take it!" She begged but Bronwyn was already walking out and when Olivia saw the door close, her tears came faster, spilling down her face and she couldn't stop or control them and before she knew it, she dry heaved twice, starting a third but threw up again.

* * *

Funny thing about Harlan; here's a guy who had been dead to the world for weeks, and suddenly, as if he could smell that something had changed; maybe it was the shift in the air, or maybe he was sensitive to knowing when people were around but suddenly his sickness had suddenly begun leaving him just that fast! Bronwyn, on her way upstairs came into his bedroom just as he suddenly began choking, then fell out of bed, she heard the disturbance faintly out in the hall and headed to his room to find him on the floor, rolling over on his stomach to began dry heaving.

She stood back and watched him, so sure that this was it; that he'd die right there and she'd be rid of him but no such luck; there on his hands and knees, after going on that way and making choking sounds and actions for almost two minutes he rounded up a huge cough and when he opened his mouth, a huge amount of phlegm mixed with blood came up from his chest and into the garbage pail.

Bronwyn stood over him and stared at it, the sheer amount and the smell of it, and was disgusted. But Harlan simply got up from the floor, took one look in the pail and laughed.

"Been tryna git that out for the longest!" All signs of sickness, gone.

She bent to reach for the pail but was surprised by Harlan; he'd pulled up against her backside and was lifting her skirt.

"What are you doing?" She asked, his hands feeling different to her now that she knew he was her father and she just wanted them off of her.

"What you think I'm doin? It's been a long time!" He said weakly.

"You shouldn't be on your feet" she told him matter of factly while straightening up and stepping away from him.

"I'll be the judge of that!" And he grabbed her hips again from the back and pulled her to him.

"Harlan…"

"Shhhh!" He was kissing her neck as his hands once again went to tackle her skirt.

"Harlan; you told me never to touch you, I'm ob-"

"Yeah well I'm touchin you, come here!" He said and turned her around, unzipping her skirt. When he kissed her mouth she could taste the weeks of sickness and phlegm as his tongue went into her mouth and when she tried to protest, he slapped her hard sending her falling on the bed and he came at her, determined. He didn't waste any time entering her with a handful of his infected spit on his penis as she gripped the sheets, trying to buck him off.

"Harlan please!" She screamed as he took her hard.

"Shut up!" He yelled and placed his hand over her mouth as he bit down on her breast, drawing blood and drinking it along with the milk that came out as he fucked her.

She screamed and cried under his hand for all of four minutes, then, just that fast, it was over. His tiredness got the best of him and he came and rolled off, lying on his back and breathing hard.

"Still got that good pussy, Johnnie Lee!" He said then passed out with his arm in a death grip around Bronwyn. And as Bronwyn lay there, wide awake and sore, and infuriated that he would call her by her mother's name; infuriated now that she knew and realized that he must have done something horrible to her in order to make her run. Johnnie had nothing but Bronwyn in her belly and she ran, she ran far away from this monster of a man and left William in his care; what had Harlan done to her? In the end, she decided that it didnt matter; what did matter was that she would kill this son of a bitch, this evil, sadistic, son of a bitch!

Now all she needed was to decide where to hide his body when the job was done!

* * *

1AM later that night, after she'd vomited finally for the last time and the nausea had calmed to where she didn't think she would throw up again, Olivia managed to get some more sleep. It was against what she wanted but she was just so tired and sleep was calling to her, and having no way to fight it, she gave in. Thankfully resting not only the extreme exhaustion, but, the pain in her head. But, feeling better after some sleep and a shower which she desperately needed after sweating and vomiting, she looked around the room, really seeing it for the first time. The walls that were painted lavender; a color she hated, and the things around the room, the stuffed animals, the big chair with a footstool, the ultra plush bed that was adorned with pillows that Bronwyn must have spent some serious money on. Even the bathroom with the huge tub; Olivia assumed that these were all things that were meant to make and keep her calm...

"...but how could anyone be calm when they're being held against their will?" She asked out loud, angry and still feeling a little of the nausea from a few hours ago. She closed her eyes again but then she felt her baby move for the first time since those men pulled her into that van yesterday. It was a series of strong kicks that sent her sitting back down but suddenly, she was relieved to tears and her anger quickly alleviated.

"You scared me, little one! I didn't know if you were still with me!" She cried, her tears falling but she didn't try to stop them; she was just so happy that at least one thing in her world was safe, even if she didn't know for how long she thought as she felt her belly with loving hands, ever so gently and wondered for the first time since she said it if she could really do it; if she could give her daughter away but quickly put it out of her mind.

"Don't you worry, we won't be here long!" She said, though unsure, but still she had hope as she sat there. The baby was kicking pretty hard and she spoke softly to her, hoping to calm her down. "It's okay; I don't want you to worry!" She said, trying to calm her own nerves more than those of the baby. She had no idea where she was; all she had was an unstable woman who wanted her baby and who she knew was a psychopath. A psychopath that got off the first time out of luck. Yes, she had given Olivia the scalpel that eventually freed her from Harlan but with the things she did, she was sure to end up in prison for a long time when her trial began- "...this week!" She said and ran a hand over her face. "_Her trial starts this week!"_ She thought as if suddenly remembering, her haze lifting. Suddenly she started thinking about what led to the trial; her rapes.

_Lying on that mattress, in that room with all those men and she was in terrible pain! Her body was screaming in agony, bleeding from her lower extremities and other places and was still made to take more, in spite of how she begged, gasping not just from the penetrations but the force at which they were taking her. _

"_Whatcha say boys? The whore wants a break?" but they just went about what they were doing, two of them shoving their penises in her mouth causing her to choke while two of them held her legs wide and three of them took her below the waist. "Don't look like they up for it but nice try!"_

Quickly becoming agitated and anxious, and getting up as quickly as she could, she began walking the room, making her way to the exit.

"Bronwyn!" She yelled, banging on the door but began feeling dizzy, turning and leaning against the wall adjacent to it. She began taking deep breaths when she felt a pain shoot around from her back to her front and suddenly realized that maybe she should calm down as she held her baby with one hand while the other was on her back. "Okay…" She breathed. "Okay. We're gonna relax!" She said, and waited for the pain to stop. Luckily it was only about 20 seconds and when it was over she slowly walked back over to the chair and sat down again.

"You're gonna stay put for a little longer, baby girl. We have to get out of here before you make an entrance!" She said as she rubbed her belly. She'd had pain like this once before; when she was almost five months pregnant and had gone into pre-term labor. She prayed again to a god she wasn't sure she believed in but if he was there she needed him or her, and she asked silently to please not let this be that as she grabbed a water bottle and slowly began drinking it.

* * *

6AM Sunday morning came and Elliot was a mess. He hadn't slept at all, so worried about Olivia and now as the night had worn on with no word, he was just terrified at what could have happened to Olivia or even more, what may be happening to her now!

He had called his buddies at the FBI and they were already on it, running every lead they didn't even have yet to find her, and in turn, turning his house into a command center while Fin and Nick were busy at the precinct trying to do what they could.

"Hey, Stabler, man I think you'd better look at this!" His friend, Ron Bradshaw said from where he was sitting at his laptop. He quickly rewound the feed as Elliot came over.

"What are we looking at?" Elliot said.

"Check this out; the street camera four blocks down yesterday evening."

"What about it?"

"Keep looking" Bradshaw said as he and Elliot watched the screen, Olivia coming into view as she waddled down the street on the video feed.

"That's Olivia!" They kept watching the screen as she walked on when suddenly a van pulled up beside her. "No, no, no!" Elliot screamed at the computer. Olivia turned around just as two masked men jumped from the back of the van and were on Olivia; one quickly grabbing her feet while the other got her from the top while she struggled, screaming on the video for help although it gave no sound and Elliot watched in horror as they threw her in the van and drove off, burning rubber. "What the hell?"

Bradshaw was quickly on the phone, barking orders to someone to find that van while Elliot's blood ran cold and he watched the video again. If it was the last thing he did, someone would pay for this!

"I'm gonna find you, Liv. Just hold on Baby" He promised.

* * *

**But that is not all! Oh no, that is not all!**

Dr. Seuss - The Cat in the Hat


	50. Waiting It Out

**Chapter 50 and I can't believe it; if you guys only knew how many times I almost gave up on this story...but here we are. So the story's gonna be wrapping up soon, not yet, but I wanna say thanks to everybody for reading. Anyway, here's the chapter, enjoy.**

* * *

.

Morning, though Olivia didn't know it and she was going crazy from being locked in this room! She'd tried to remain calm but how could she when the last time she was in a room with no way out, she was raped repeatedly for three months?

She knew that Bronwyn said no harm would come to her, but she didn't believe her; and even if she did, that was only for the time that she remained with child. Her doctor said she would deliver in a week at most and though Bronwyn didn't know that yet, she would soon when Olivia went into labor. _What would happen to me then? _She wondered. _Would she try to kill me? _She thought, rubbing her belly anxiously. It didn't matter; what did matter was that she would try to take the baby and although Olivia didn't plan on keeping her, she couldn't let that happen.

"What are you saying?" She asked to herself. "They'll find you before then, you have to have faith!" _But what if they didn't? _She thought just as easily. "You can't stay here!"

"_This little one is stubborn!" The doctor said her at her last appointment, a week ago as Olivia lay back on the exam table and the doctor performed yet another ultrasound._

"_She hasn't moved, has she?" Olivia asked, somewhat disappointed._

"_Well, if you want to count changing sides…" The doctor laughed._

"_But she's…" _

"_...still in a breech position." The doctor informed them as she took the transducer over Olivia's belly. "As you can see, her back is cradled right at your cervix."_

"_What does that mean as far as me giving birth; will I need a caesarian?" _

"_It's tricky. You can certainly try for a vaginal delivery; I'm never one of those doctors to say impossible-"_

"_But?" Olivia asked, knowing that one was coming._

"_But it's pretty much impossible! With the way she's positioned; we're talking a very tough delivery that can become very dangerous, very quickly. So if you do choose to try for a normal birth, I'm going to have the team on standby for a caesarian."_

She thought about that last talk she'd had with her doctor and just to be on the safe side of things, she'd opted for a c-section, but now that she was here…

"You've gotta get out!" She said, getting up from the bed with a hand on her back and wincing as she started walking. That pain that she felt last night, she'd had one, now two every hour since then and she didn't know if this was the beginning of labor, but the pains felt different and if it was labor, she didn't have time to waste! That, and she had no idea what Bronwyn could have in store for her.

When she felt tears, she quickly wiped them away "Cry later Olivia." She said to herself and kept walking, making her way to the door to try and hear something but all she got was dead silence.

"It's soundproof" Beach house said from where she sat in the big, comfy chair, her feet up on the ottoman. Olivia looked twice and blinked her shock. "Nice chair!"

"Not you two gain!"

"Oh come on, admit it" Sealview said from behind Olivia, causing her to jump as she walked over to the bed. "You've missed us!"

Olivia stood at the door and for a moment, just looked at the two of them. She knew that they were in her head, she wasn't crazy and instead of entertaining them with conversation, she turned back to the door, looking for something, a flaw in the design that would let her out.

"You figured the soundproof part…" Sealview said then turned to Beach house. "Told you we would!" but Beach house simply waved Sealview off and turned to Olivia.

"The psycho wants Serena" Beach house said but Olivia kept looking and feeling along the door lines.

"Yeah, well she won't get her!"

"Sounding more like our self!" Beach house said as she moved to the bed to join Sealview. "But you know, you can't attack big red without a weapon. She has the code to the door." Olivia, realizing that there was no flaw in the doorframe, turned around to her other selves.

"I'm aware but thank you!" She said, breathing heavily as she did. "I'm also aware that these pains I've been having since last night are probably the start of labor and I would like to get out of here before anything real happens and I can't. So, if you two aren't offering any real help…" she said, suddenly nauseous from her morning sickness and needing to sit.

As she made her way to the chair and sat down, taking slow breaths, Beach house and Sealview looked at each other before looking at Olivia and said one word "Knife!"

"What?" Olivia asked as the door suddenly opened and Bronwyn came in, carrying a fresh tray.

"You're up." She said as she sat the tray down.

"It's kind of hard to sleep when you've got morning sickness and you're being held hostage, you freak!" Olivia spat while rubbing her belly to calm the baby. With her feeling like she wanted to throw up, she couldn't handle Serena's sudden kicking and punching and prayed that she'd stop as she closed her eyes. Bronwyn looked on for a moment, watching Olivia's hand on her bump, the baby's hands and feet jutting out while she soothed the child and a pang of jealousy tore through her once again.

"You didn't eat last night." She said, watching Olivia.

"Yeah well, being drugged kills your appetite! I'm sorry, or did you not know?" She said, still trying to calm Serena but it wasn't working.

You know, maybe the baby would simmer down if you'd stop!" She yelled. Olivia looked up at her, still running her hands over her belly. She knew that she'd hit a nerve with Bronwyn and though she was feeling sick, she played off it.

"Am I bothering you?"

"Yes actually, as a matter of fact you are!"

"Good deal with it!"

"You know, you'd be better off just ignoring him, because once he comes out of you, he's mine."

"And as I told you last night, _she _is not your baby!"

"Stop calling him that!"

"Bronwyn, you're already in more trouble than you know." She said as she stood up. "The police, the FBI, they're looking for me and it's just a matter of time before they find me. Now you can make this hard on yourself…"

"I'm not worried about the police, or the FBI. Nobody is looking out here, in fact, it's gonna be pretty empty until summer and I'll be long gone before then! Perhaps they'll find your body if they do come this way by chance!"

"Harlan's dead; you don't have to do this!" She said, her voice laced with tears. "It's not too late, I can tell the cops that I went off by myself, I -"

"You think this is about Harlan?" She asked before she went off to someplace in her head, smiling at the thought. "I didn't know if you'd like butter, cream cheese or jelly with your bagel so I bought all three."

"Bronwyn…"

"And there's plenty of fruit too!" She continued before she turned to go. "Don't worry, it's safe!" She said and started to enter the code into the panel by the door when Olivia was suddenly on her, one arm wrapped firmly on her neck while the other hand held the butter knife steady against her neck.

"Open the door!" Olivia ordered.

"You don't want what's out there, Olivia..." Bronwyn said calmly. "Trust me on this."

"I said open the door!"

"Think about this."

"Oh, I'm thinking about it and I will slit your throat, so help me god if you don't put that code in!" She was serious as she dug the knife into Bronwyn's neck causing a bit of skin to open up and a trickle of blood to run down, pooling at Bronwyn's collar.

"Okay...okay. Calm down." She said as Olivia got another sharp pain in her back, that just like last night and all the others since, traveled around to her abdomen and she fought to ignore it but took her focus off of Bronwyn for a split second when the pain got worse; enough time for Bronwyn to reach into her front pocket and grabbed her .22 caliber pistol, turning it on the baby, pointing it right at Olivia's stomach before she could react to it.

"Put the knife down, Olivia." It came with a smile; calmly, almost serene though her hand shook terribly.

"Would you really pull that trigger?" She asked, forgetting the pain she was in and worried for Serena.

"Maybe; would you like to try me?" Bronwyn said, a smug look on her face. "Put it down." Olivia, deciding that it wasn't worth the risk, put her hands down, lowering the knife and threw it behind her.

"Don't hurt her!" She said, her hands to her belly and trying to sound calm though she was scared to death.

"You know, Olivia, as badly as I want this to work; and I do want for it to work, you are not making it easy for me!"

"You're right and I'm sorry." Bronwyn was still pointing the gun at her stomach, and Olivia said whatever was needed to make her point it away.

"You are going to STOP calling him a girl…" Bronwyn yelled but Olivia kept her eyes on the gun as it pushed into her, right up against her baby's head and she broke.

"Bronwyn...Bronwyn look at at me" she pled with her.

"Shut up and listen to me!" Bronwyn ordered as Olivia stood there, afraid to even move for fear that the gun would go off and looked down at it, Bronwyn's hand trembling and silent tears fell from the outer corners of her eyes. "We are not doing this again! You will behave Olivia and I will have this gun ever time I enter this room; I don't want to use it, but if you force me…"

"I won't, just...please!" She cried. Bronwyn as if just noticing that she had the gun trained on the baby suddenly looked down at it.

"See how easy that was? Now eat your breakfast!" She said and turned to leave. Now it was Olivia's turn to shake as she sat down on the bed with a barrage of tears that ran down her face as she caressed her belly, holding her baby tight.

"I'm so sorry! " She cried, apologizing to the baby and silently cursing her bad luck.

...

Just as Bronwyn was coming out of the basement and locked the outer door, she was scared to a scream when she turned the corner and saw Harlan standing there.

"Jesus Harlan! What are you doing out of bed?" She was annoyed, not to mention her heart was now beating uncontrollably.

"What? A man can't roam his own house if he wont to?" He said as she walked away. "Don't you walk away from me gal!" He warned as he grabbed her arm. She stopped and looked down at his hand, fighting every urge in her that wanted to kill him right there!

"I'm sorry...I didn't realize you were…"

"You don't get cute wit me!" He threatened, pulling her arm tighter.

"I wasn't, Harlan, I swear!"

"What's in the basement?"

"The…?"

"Basement; what's down there?" He asked, so close to her that she could feel his whiskers.

"Nothing."

"Oh yeah? Mind tellin me what happened to your neck?"

"I- I was just putting some of Little Harlan's things away and I must have nicked it." She lied. He looked at her suspiciously for a long moment, she wondering what he was thinking when suddenly he bent her over the table by the stairs.

"Harlan, please don't."

"You don't wont me now?" He asked as he pulled up her skirt.

"No, I… Yes, I mean… I just don't want to that's all!"

"Too bad!" He said and ripped her panties, quickly filling her with himself and thrusting hard and fast while she bit her lip so that she wouldn't scream from the pain that he was causing her. "When we done, we gotta get on findin Olivia!" He told her as he pulled her hair and she cried silently.

* * *

**6:48PM**

It had officially been over 24 hours since Elliot had noticed Olivia missing and they were no closer to finding her than they were yesterday.

They'd just about exhausted their efforts in trying to find the owner of the van; sharing the info with Fin and Nick to see what they'd turn up which was pretty much nothing. It's like these guys had snatched Olivia and disappeared off the face of the earth. The only thing that made sense would be that after they drove off, they transferred to another vehicle but if that's the case then where was the first?

Elliot rewound the video for probably the hundredth time that day, hoping, praying to get something. As much as it pained him to see Olivia; so scared yet still fighting like hell, he knew that somewhere in the video, there lay a clue and he would watch this video a million times until he found it!

Just like usual, Olivia was walking down the street when the van came into focus. The license plates didn't show and there was nothing distinctive about the van; no colors or logos, not even a phone number. Just a pure white van, and when they got out and snatched Olivia, the two men were in ski masks with black clothes; even their hands were covered!

When the elevator sounded, he didn't notice being so caught up in that video and was surprised when Nick and Fin got off and walked over.

"Got anything?" Fin asked as he came into the video room. Elliot paused the tape from where he was seated and without turning around...

"A bunch of questions!" He said, running his hands down his face. None of them had slept since yesterday; all of them looking gruff but they didn't intend to sleep until they'd found her.

"We looked around about the van, if anybody had seen someone discard one but so far, nothing." Nick added. "Watchin the recording again?"

"We have to be missing something!" Elliot said as he started up the tape again from where he left off; Olivia being grabbed while the van sat idly, waiting.

"What is that?" Another of Elliot's FBI buddies, Finnigan, asked about something on Elliot's computer screen as he hung up the phone and came over to the screens, chewing on a jelly donut.

"What's what?" Elliot asked.

"In the back of the van; rewind." Elliot rewound the recording a few seconds. "now zoom in..." He said when Elliot had rewound the video. "Look, right there, left side!"

"It's a face; holy shit!"

"Don't get too excited, it's no good good if we can't make it out!" Bradshaw reminded him as Elliot ran it through and gave him the face.

* * *

Bronwyn had brought Olivia's lunch and dinner and left without incident both times. She had definitely scared her into submission and patted herself on the back; no problems from Olivia, and she had decided what to do with Harlan. Tomorrow she'd kill him and bury his body in the greenhouse beside the maid. She hasn't wanted to do it but she had no choice and he had to go, there was no stalling.

As she sat in the bubble bath contemplating, Harlan had gone downstairs to do some snooping in the basement and was surprised when he found the main door locked.

"What the hell?!" He said before he kicked the door open and went down into the darkness.

...

Inside the room, Olivia wasn't doing too well. The pains in her back had finally stopped but were replaced an hour ago with what felt like contractions but she had no way to be sure if they were the real thing and decided to try and sleep them off. She'd tried to eat dinner for the baby's sake but eventually gave up. Feeling so cumbersome and uncomfortable in her own body, instead, she lay down and tried to find some degree of contentment and calm, closing her eyes to the pain and caressed her belly while praying that the contractions were just braxton-hicks.

"I don't know what we're gonna do if the guys don't come soon but I swear to you, I'll keep you safe!" She promised, and feeling her baby moving gently beneath her palm only strengthened that resolve.

"You'll be okay, baby girl!" She swore as she drifted off to sleep.

...

As Harlan wandered the expansive basement, he could feel himself getting hard, though at what he didn't know but something was afoot, and it brought such a sense of excitement to him.

"Feel like I'm rapin my first slit all over agin!" He said proudly. "Oh Billy, the times we could've had, but at least you lead me to yer sister; that is one cow with a hell of a lot of milk!" He laughed as he continued exploring, passing some baby things that he stopped and inspected before turning left and continuing down until he was hit with a door.

"Now what do we have here?" He wondered, touching the door and coming across the keypad on the side. What the hell you hidin, Bronwyn?"

...

It was at that exact moment that out of her sleep, Olivia's eyes suddenly shot open, and the hairs at the nape of her neck stood up as she, holding her belly, shot up from where she lay with a gasp as she looked around the room. Something was wrong and it was more than just her labor which she still didn't know.

* * *

**More to come!**


	51. Facing Monsters

**51, Dick Wolf owns the SVU characters.**

* * *

***chapter contains rape***

.

Harlan must have tried that lock for an hour. He thought of every number combination he could think of and still nothing. After a while, every time the pad would light up red, signaling that he'd entered the wrong code, he'd slam the side of his fist against it, getting angrier each time. Not to mention that with every failed combination, he was more convinced that something incredible was behind that door and that he was missing out on some greatness.

"Son of a bitch!" He said as he put in the last code he could think of and got rejected. "I'll catch you you silly whore; I'll catch you!"

It was a good thing that the lock somehow didn't suffer much damage, he discovered as he locked it and shut the door after he couldn't get into the room he'd found. "What are you hiding down there, Bronwyn?"

* * *

"Now what?" Fin said as he, Nick, Fennigan and Bradshaw sat around the bar that night. They'd left Elliot working at the FBI building when the video clip they had hoped to see had been too dark and too degraded to give them an accurate look at the face - not that they didn't suspect it would be. The original video had been grainy; not having caught the actual kidnappings up close enough so they knew that the chances of a closeup being able to be cleaned up enough to give them something clear was a long shot.

"Think about it, who would benefit from doing this?" Nick said as he sipped his cranberry juice while the other guys drank beer except for Fennigan, who opted for a shot of gin.

"You kidding me? Didn't you say she was a cop?" Bradshaw asked. "Couple that with her being raped and 2 guys currently awaiting trial-"

Fin interrupted "How'd you hear about that?"

"Well, there's this thing called news that I read and watch!" Fin felt a little silly and quickly apologized.

"Sorry; I just get a little-"

"Hey it's okay. I get it."

"...me and Amaro already covered it...well, the 2 guys waiting trial. From what we can tell, they ain't have nothin to do with it."

"They're practically choir boys while they're waiting!" Nick said.

"What about the cop? Friends of his...a revenge type of thing?" said Fennigan. Nick took a sip of his juice before he spoke.

"Newlander? The way I hear it, everybody he knew pretty much deserted him after this… Fucking prick!"

"Amen to that!" Fin said as they all toasted their glasses and bottles, suddenly interrupted when his phone rang. "Yeah?" He said as he answered it. "Wait... what? You sure? I'm on my way!" When he hung up, Everyone looked at him as he put on his coat. "That's my buddy in Jersey, they just caught a guy trying to drop a van into the Hudson… a white van!" He said before Nick got up and they left the bar.

* * *

Luckily, Harlan wasn't able to get the door open but unluckily for Olivia, those contractions she'd been having were very much the real thing, she soon found and now hours later, unable to sleep, she wandered around the room hoping that she could will the pain to stop, not realizing that by moving around, she was helping it along.

"Urghhh!" She grunted as she held on to the table, sweat beads forming on her brow. "...oh please, oh god!" She cried. Though still four minutes apart, the contractions were unbelievably strong and Olivia was coming undone.

"Just breathe!" Sealview said as she stood by Olivia's side.

"Please stop talking!" Olivia begged as Sealview looked over at Beach house. It was taking everything in Olivia to get through this contraction and she was thankful when it finally died down. "I can't do this here!" She breathed.

"Can't do what here?" Bronwyn said as she quietly came in. Olivia turned partway, grimacing in the chair as she held her baby. She couldn't let Bronwyn know that she was in labor but at the same time, the baby was at risk. She was already in a great deal of pain- too much if you asked her and she figured that she would have the best chance of getting Bronwyn to take her to a doctor.

"Bronwyn, you need to get me to a hospital!"

"This again, Olivia?"

"No, not this again; I'm in labor!" It only took Bronwyn a second to really look at her, the sweat on her brow, the way she was breathing heavily. She was serious.

"No no, you can't be in labor, I have to take care of some things before he gets here, I had weeks!"

"The baby doesn't care about what you have to do; I need to go to a hospital, she could be in trouble!"

"You're lying!"

"I'm not; she's breech

"Do you think I'm an idiot? You're gonna stay right here! We have the supplies we need, right here and-"

"Bronwyn please!"

"Sorry Olivia...but nice try!" She said before she left.

...

Once she was outside the door, she threw a fit. Beating on the walls around the room, throwing what furniture she could get her hands on and when all of that was exhausted, she simply stood screaming at the top of her lungs while she balled her fists then pulled her hair!

"How can you do this to me? She yelled, facing the door then turned away and started to talk to herself. "I haven't killed Harlan, we can't have a baby with him in the house!" but there was no time to think this through and she had to make some choices and she began pacing nervously. "Okay...we'll just give her a little time with the baby when it's born and while I bury Harlan. No harm." She reasoned, hoping she was right before she hurried off upstairs to make sure that Harlan was still asleep.

* * *

In New Jersey, Fin and Nick had been looking in on the interrogation of Michael Falcone for the better part of an hour now and the officers were getting some pretty good stuff from him, though not exactly what they wanted. He was obviously on something; what? They didn't know but the cops believed that he had information about Olivia's kidnappings and so, the questioning continued.

"So you only volunteered to take the van?" Detective Jacobs said as he sat down on the chair he'd pulled up.

"I just told Ralph that I'd do him a favor cuz he was the one drivin the thing!" Michael told him, fully in tears. He'd never been arrested before and this was scary. "S-so when he said I should get rid of the van, I knew just the place but I didn't do nothin but try to put it in the river!"

"Michael, I thought you said that you were in the van with Ralph when you picked up the pregnant lady?"

"Yeah, yeah. The lady wanted us to do a job for her..." He cried while outside.

"This guy is making no sense!" Fin said to Nick out in the hall.

"What is he, high?"

"Now Michael, you said earlier that the lady had a really big house; a mansion that you and Ralph took the pregnant lady to. Do you remember you told me that?" Jacobs asked.

"Yeah, I said that! It was a beautiful house; real big." He was still crying, snot dripping down his nose and Jacobs handed him a tissue. "Thank you! I didn't hurt the lady; neither did Ralph. The lady just paid us to get her and bring her, ya know?"

"I know. Now back to the pregnant lady, Michael."

"Oh, right...can I, can I have uhhhhhhh…"

"Michael"

"Chocolate? Can I have chocolate?"

"You have gotta be kiddin me!" Fin said.

* * *

Hours later, and Olivia was in agony! Lying on the bed, she thought she'd die! The pain of the contractions was so sharp, so terrible, she thought she was in a nightmare. Her muscles were twisting, pulling harder and harder until it became almost unbearable; no, it was unbearable, blinding pain and she lay there on her side, not giving a damn at this point. She had resisted her tears until now but the last half hour she couldn't take it and let her sobs take over. She couldn't do it, and as another contraction came and wracked her body, she breathed in short, pained breaths while her tears flowed and she twisted in bed, wishing unsuccessfully to stop the pain, even if only for a minute and through it all, she kept thinking how much she wanted her mother right now!

Bronwyn had been there for the last couple hours convincing herself that she was helping but in reality she was just putting off the inevitable. Olivia needed a doctor, she needed to be in a hospital, not writhing in pain in a bed, waiting for her baby to come and probably kill the both both of them. She wiped Olivia's sweaty brow and then got up, coming back with water that Olivia quickly pushed away.

"No!" Olivia said as she slapped the bottle and it fell on the floor spilling out. "Why won't it stop?" She said through her tears.

"It won't be long now!" Bronwyn offered cheerfully as Olivia was twisted, face buried in the pillow from where she lay across the bed as she tried to breathe through the contraction. She never wanted to punch anyone in the face more than now!

"I need a hospital!"

"You need me!" She said, smoothing Olivia's hair back as she writhed. She was in more pain than she even knew what to do with; so horrible that she literally could not process it. All she knew was that her body was going rogue and she couldn't stop it as she lay there with her eyes bugged and holding onto that pillow for dear life, she was in her head, crying for her mom.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" She made clear to Bronwyn on no uncertain terms and Bronwyn quickly backed away. She didn't want her. She didn't want to be here. She wanted a hospital with doctors and drugs and Elliot holding her hand since her mom couldn't; she needed him holding her hand and that thought of him there with her kept her relatively calm.

All of the things that she thought would cloud her mind right now, thankfully she was wrong. There was no room for Harlan and the men, not when she was sure that this baby was going to be in serious trouble and when she tried to come out it would possibly kill her and they'd die in this room.

As the contraction began to thankfully die down, and her senses came back somewhat she knew that she needed to get through to Bronwyn. She had been talking to her for the last hour and right now, it was life or death.

"Bronwyn… Listen to me, please." She said in a tired voice as she rubbed her belly. She didn't bother to wipe the tears on her face, or hide them in her voice. She didn't care at this point; the only thing she did care about was getting her baby here safely. "I can't do this. I'm gonna-"

"I'm not hearing you, please, you're getting upset and it's not good for the baby!"

"What's not good for the baby is to suffocate while she's being born! You know this isn't right; the baby's in trouble and when I start to push, she's gonna get stuck."

"Then I'll just have to free him won't I?" she paused for a moment, nauseated from the pain and immediately leaned over the side of the bed and threw up, thankful that Bronwyn had thought to keep a bucket near and after she emptied, she lay back on the bed.

"You can't be so like them that you'd let an innocent baby die, because make no mistake, Bronwyn, she's in trouble!"

"Stop calling him that! And what do you mean "so like them" what does that, what does it mean?"

"I know that he was your father; that William was your brother."

"Shut up!"

"Bronwyn, please! You have to-"

"I said shut up!" She hadn't counted on anyone knowing her shame; she wanted to hide it and she wondered just how Olivia knew.

"Bronwyn he used you just like William did and it has to hurt, I know it does, but please don't make my baby be the one to suffer for what he did. You can break this chain. Bronwyn she's your sister- oh god!" She cried, hoping that playing that card would get her some leverage as she felt the contraction. "I'm begging you...for her; PLEASE!"

She had a choice. She could do what was right, what she knew in her heart was the right thing or she could ignore Olivia's pleas and go through with her plans but what if Olivia was telling the truth, what if the baby was in danger? She watched for a few seconds as the contraction tore through Olivia "You won't tell them I was involved?"

"I swear it; just please save my baby!" And she cried out pitifully. "Please!" Bronwyn looked at Olivia, so frightened and in so much pain and she knew that she couldn't do it; she couldn't stand by and watch what might be a tragedy for that baby but she also couldn't let her dream of being a mom get away from her. This baby would be the closest thing she'd have to a real child but was she willing to let her little sister die?

"I'll get the car around and get you to Southampton, it's less that 20 minutes!" She said remorsefully. When she heard that, Olivia was beyond thankful and began to weep. "Stay here, I'll be right back, I promise!" and she left with Olivia wailing through the contraction as she shut the door and when she turned around to head up to the stairs, check to see if the coast was clear and get her car around, however, her plans suddenly took a dive! Standing not three feet away from her…

"Now what is all this?" He asked and she knew that the three of them were in trouble!

* * *

"El, we got it!" Fin said through the phone. Go to the Hamptons, I'll text you the address, me and Nick are headed there now!"

* * *

"Last chance Bronwyn" Harlan said. He had her sitting in a old chair he'd found and basically interrogated her for practically a half hour now. He wanted to know what was in that room, but she wouldn't give it up in spite of the fact that he'd beat her and seized her gun. He wanted the code to that door and he gave her a final chance to tell him as he wasn't giving up.

"How about I make this easy for you? You either tell me the code, or Immo put a bullet in yer fuckin head!"

"Harlan, ple-" was all she got out before he hit her with the butt of the gun across her already bruised and beaten face, knocking her to the floor. "Okay!" She cried, wanting all of this to stop. "Okay!"

"Well?"

"It's 06...277...2!" She said as she cried. He quickly turned, with her by the neck and put the code in the door and when the light turned green, signaling that he was in, he turned to Bronwyn.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" He said and while he was holding her by the neck, he plowed her, head first into the wall over and over until her skull crushed and then he dropped her body. "You seriously cannot be my kid!"

...

Olivia was certain that Serena would come any minute now, and she cried out in the silence of the room.

"Oh god, help me!" She begged. The contractions were worse, more intense and on top of one another at this point; searing through her abdomen and she was in agony. She'd managed to pull herself from the bed, making her way to the door and stood, bent over in the small space of the room, banging on the door.

"Bronwyn..." she shouted, unsure if anyone could hear her. "Please...ohhh!" She held onto the wall with one hand, cradling the underside of her belly with the other, looking down. Her water was leaking and was now dripping through her leggings and down her legs.

"No… Bronwyn!" She yelled before another powerful contraction tore through her. "Bronwyn!" She screamed. "Bronwyn please!" She panted. when she got no answer she proceeded to kick and bang the door in frustration before she doubled over. This pain was killing her!

She took a calming breath, holding her belly and began to look around the room while the contraction came to slow down just to pick right back up again but, she began searching for some way to get out when the door that she'd been pounding on not a minute ago suddenly opened and she turned around relieved, expecting to see Bronwyn but she was shocked beyond words to see Harlan enter, no shirt, in his pajama pants.

"This..." He had to laugh. Joyously, maniacally; totally in shock and surprise. This was beyond anything that he could have dreamt and he had to stop and just stare at her. "Oh man, oh man! ...tell me you are as surprised to see me as I am to see you!"

She stood there just feet from him, speechless! She'd never been so sickened, so completely terrified before and she couldn't move. She thought she was seeing some horrible apparition and if she closed her eyes, it would disappear but she wasn't to be so lucky and as she opened them, tears quickly fell.

"In the flesh,darling!" He said, stepping so close and she stepping back until she could go no further, coming to a wall and could feel his breath as he leaned in to talk. "And looka here, all nice and full with little William.

"This isn't real! You're dead; you're dead!"She said only to discover that she was speaking out loud when she felt his hand caressing her face.

"I'm real baby! Did you miss me?"

"Bronwyn...she had you here all along!" Tears continued to fall down her face.

"I'm the surprise!" He laughed. "Wooo, now I kinda wish I hadn't killed my dear daughter, I'd like ta thank her! He said and slapped her with the back of his hand so hard that she fell down on the bed behind her and before she had time to turn over and get up, he was on her; her neck in a vice-grip. Another contraction had started and she was delirious with the pain in addition to being now scared to death! This couldn't be happening, she had killed him but here he was, his hand on her throat, choking her and she didn't have time to wonder how he'd survived. She had to get away from him, she had to protect Serena, that was the bottom line and she didn't want to think about anything else. Protecting her baby was all that mattered.

"You thought you could get away wit what you done to me…" And he pulled her up and threw her across the room, her back slamming into the table before she hit the floor. She was hurting, reaching around to her back as he came for her. "Cut me, left me to die…" He said as he got down and punched her in the face, then again, stopping only when he looked down at her and his hormones got the best of him.

"Don't do this!" She cried, the blood coming from her nose and mouth and she coughed, choking on the blood. Harlan laughed as he pulled her up, caressing her from her face down to her breast then kissed her mouth greedily as she protested and when he was done he licked her blood before he threw her down on the bed.

"I got all the time in the world to punish you" He said as he came over and climbed on before she had a chance to get away, grabbing her hair hard and making her cry out. "right now though, I figure I owe you about 6 months worth of fuckin!" He said before he leaned in, ripping her clothes.

"Nooo!" She tried to hit him and she caught him in the nose, breaking it, his blood flowing heavy. "Get off me!" she was kicking and screaming, scratching and clawing to get away from him but he just wiped his nose with the back of his hand, not stopping.

"I see, you want it rough, don't ya you little whore?" He said and slapped her but it did nothing to stop her from fighting him and she continued swinging, though he blocked the hits.

"Don't do this!" she begged as he punched her in the face, then squeezed her neck before he ripped off her bra through her shirt.

"I'm gonna do you good, baby!"

"No, nooo!" She cried panicking while she tried to ignore the pain ripping through her from the labor as he grabbed her breasts.

"It's happenin bitch, might as well enjoy it!" He said, causing pain as he squeezed then turned and ripped her pants from her body and tore her panties off, discarding them. He placed himself between her legs and she could feel him hard against her and it made her sick; she could not let this happen again. Could not allow herself to be further violated by this man and so with everything in her, she fought him.

"Get off me!" she cried, landing blows where she could while he had her by the neck and freed himself from his pants. When she spotted the butter knife on the floor by the bed, she scrambled to grab it, scurrying back as best she could but with Harlan's weight on her, coupled with the pain of the contractions, it took everything in her to be able to move.

"It only hurts if you fight it baby!" The next thing she knew, while she was struggling to get the knife, she felt it. He had forced his cock inside her and for a moment she simply froze while he began thrusting inside of her, knocking her backward with the strength of his movements. "Good god yer pussy is so damn good!"

She lay there for a moment as tears rolled down her face, Harlan going on, berating her. She blocked it all out, disappearing for a moment, but then she was suddenly brought back, remembering why she was fighting and while Harlan was grunting on top of her moving viciously, she reached a final time for the knife and this time she grabbed it and jammed it into his neck as she screamed.

"You fuckin bitch!" He said, holding his neck where the knife went in and now stuck out before he threw a punch at her and fell over, partially on top of her. She struggled to get out from beneath him, his blood spilling everywhere but with the crippling pain she was in, it made it that much harder, especially when she had yet another contraction as she was trying to move him off her.

Finally she was able to dislodge him from her and she grabbed the gun before making it off the bed. But she made it to the floor only to fall down, sobbing.

"_Get up!"_ She said to herself through labored breaths but she sunk to the floor again and with the next contraction that came, she cried out, yelling pitifully but realizing that there's no one to help her; Harlan won't be down forever, she had to move now but she couldn't stand. "Oh god, Serena, please! Please. We have to get out of here!" as she finally managed to stand she noticed Harlan moving on the bed, and when he turned around to her…

"You can't kill me darlin!" He laughed, blood pouring out of his neck and mouth. "I'll just keep-" She didn't hesitate, and without a word, she lifted the gun and shot him in the chest. Once, twice; she kept firing until the ten rounds that were in the gun were gone, the final round going right between his eyes as she fell down to the floor and sobbed, dropping the gun, it making a dull thud on the floor as her sobs overtook her.

She cried for what seemed like forever but in reality was only a couple minutes, and when finally she pulled herself up she walked out of the room through the open door and came out into a cold basement. She immediately saw Bronwyn just lying there, beaten to a pulp and she stopped and stared at her for the quickest of moments before she began making her way through the maze of the basement, her labor threatening to stop her but she kept going.

...

Having finally found her way out of the basement, she was running away from the room as fast as she could, desperate to get to the stairs that were just a few feet away. Wracked by pain and stopping every few feet, she stumbled; falling down and lying there, holding her stomach while she cried out from the pain of the contractions. This baby was coming and she needed help.

Once again, she willed herself to get up, painfully managing to stand and literally pull herself along, but when she came upon the stairs, she knew that she was unable to go on. She was humped over in agony and could barely speak from the shock of what she'd been through but when that pain cut in, worse than ever, she cried out and cursed it, wishing to god that there were a person on the receiving end of it. She was sweating in spite of the cold and she could feel the baby coming.

As she tried her best to breathe, she was making her way upstairs when a contraction crippled her on the staircase, forcing her down but she forced herself back up only to have her water completely break, this time spilling all over the stairs, forcing her back down with the strength of the gush; a gush that was bleeding red!

"No!" She cried as the clear red liquid came fast. She knew that it was bad and for the last time she forced herself to get up and climb the stairs, which was near impossible with every ounce of her energy screaming at her to just stay where she was. Her body was exhausted and couldn't keep going, it demanded some kind of repose, a respite from this madness but she knew that she had to get out of that basement and when she arrived at the door and came out on the other side she was beside herself as she shut the door then cried as she sank down against it, breathing in deep breaths.

As she looked around the huge foyer, she moved as best she could to get away from the basement door, settling back against the wall to the living room as she cried out even louder.

She held her stomach as she spread her legs. "Oh god!" She yelled as she pushed with all her strength. She didn't want to do this but now, suddenly her body took charge, no longer waiting around for her to slow down. This baby was coming now and she had no choice! "God help me; help me please!" She cried, a pool of blood coming out of her as she pushed.

...

"There it is!" Elliot said as he, Bradshaw and Fennigan approached the house. It was intimidating the way it stood, big and stone against the dreary Hamptons sky. Morning was approaching against the horizon, making the mansion look even more foreboding as the grey morning light crept upon it.

The car drove a long way up the road then came to a stop in the circular driveway that was covered by snow, Elliot not wasting any time as he got out and headed towards the house with his gun drawn. He got to the door and kicked it open, Olivia scared to death from where she was in the living room and wishing that she still had that gun. She was barely conscious at this point but trying to hold on for the baby but it was becoming harder and harder. She wanted to give up but she knew that she couldn't.

When Elliot heard the scream he immediately called out to her, following the sound. "Olivia…"

She was fading as she heard his voice and thought she imagined it but when he called to her again, she knew that it was him and she called out to him in a barely there voice, the sirens suddenly in the background as he made his way to the living room. He found her with her face battered sitting in a pool of blood, in a shirt that was practically torn from her body, yet he was so relieved to see her, to see that she was alive that all sense went temporarily out the window and he took her in his arms and held her tight to him.

"Oh god!" Bradshaw said as he and Fennigan arrived at the entrance to the living room.

"The basement...they're in...mmmm!" She cried. "El, the baby..." She uttered, Fennigan and Bradshaw making a beeline to find the basement. She was losing consciousness fast and he quickly took off his coat and covered her with it; never taking his eyes from her.

"I'm gonna get you to the hospital, Liv… open your eyes!" he said softly, trying hard to mask his fear. She was in bad shape; the pain and stress of labor on top of her injuries… he was scared to death that she, or the baby or perhaps neither of them would make it. "We're gonna be there soon baby, just hold on!" He said and lifted her, running out the door just as the police pulled up.

"What do we got?" The sergeant asked. Elliot never stopped moving as he told him

"They're in the basement, 2 of my men are down there already. I gotta get her to a hospital, she's in bad shape!"

"The closest hospital is Southampton, I'll drive!" One of the detectives said.

* * *

Down in the basement…

"Where the hell is Nassau PD?" Fennigan said.

"Better question, where- whoaaaa!" Bradshaw said as he slipped in the amniotic fluid and went tumbling down the stairs.

"Hey, you alright?"

"I'm fine!" He said from where he landed at the the bottom of the stairs. Thankfully he wasn't hurt and he got up, dusting himself off. "What is that?"

"I'm gonna take a wild guess and say amniotic fluid!" Fennigan said as he knelt down and looked at it. Bradshaw gave him the eye. "What? I got eight kids, I know fluid when I see it!" He said as he came down to join Bradshaw.

"Nassau PD, we're coming down!"

"Yep, just watch your step!" Fennigan said.

* * *

Fin and Amaro were speeding to get to the house when Nick's phone rang.

"Yeah? What? ...is she…" As Fin looked on he knew that it was bad news. "Damnit! Alright, Elliot, you watch out for her, we'll be there soon!"

"Do I wanna know?" Fin asked.

"Change of plans, we're going to Southampton Hospital, Liv's in labor and it's not good!"

* * *

**See y'all soon...or not, but I'll see y'all eventually.**


	52. Drift

**Chapter 52.**

* * *

.

"We're on route to the ER with a labor, 36 weeks." Kelly said into the radio. "Mother's pushing and bleeding, baby is in distress. We'll need a doctor on standby…"

"Just keep lookin at me!" Elliot said. He held her head in his lap as they rushed to the hospital, running his fingers slowly through her hair to calm her fears but she cried still while Elliot's mind wandered. When he'd found her, she'd obviously been beaten; Elliot could see the bruises starting to develope on her face and there was a trace of blood that came from her nose, scratches on her chest and choke marks on her neck. Who had she been fighting and why was she only in a shirt? this severely torn shirt that barely covered her and that she had nothing on underneath.

As he sat here now, with her in his arms, thankful beyond all else that he'd found her but so fucking angry that this had happened to her again and under his nose! If he hadn't been so upset with her decision to give Serena up, he never would have left for so long that day, never would have…

"El, if i die..."

"You're not going to die!" He said, angry that she would even think it but he couldn't help but think it too. She was beaten, her placenta had ruptured and she was so weak! He hated to even entertain the thought, but, what if?

"Promise me you'll take care of her, that you'll let her know that she's loved!" She cried.

"Listen to me, you are gonna be fine! You're gonna pull through this and you're gonna hold this little girl and tell her and show her all those things yourself! That's what I promise you!"

"I can't feel her." She cried, so tired, through a contraction. She was exhausted and wanted this to be over but saw no end in site.

"Liv, you gotta hold on baby" He said as he caressed her face. "she's gonna be fine, I promise you, you believe me?" He spoke the words to her but inside he was terrified and when he saw that look on her face, the one that made her sit up, and told him that something was happening and in spite of all else, NOW she was in serious pain! "Liv?"

"Something's coming out!" she said, squeezing his hand as she felt it. The baby was coming down from her cervix, forcing its way out and with her eyes shut, crying out as she, against her will began to push while trying to catch a breath.

"Olivia; look at me okay, don't push, you gotta hold on!"

"I can't! ...oh my god, El, she's coming!"

"Liv don't! ...drive faster!" He yelled to the detective as he moved to get between Olivia's legs.

"We're almost there; just five minutes away!" The detective shot back.

"You hear that, Liv? We're just five minutes away!" He said, holding her face and trying to sound calm as he lifted the jacket and was shocked to see so much blood, and even more shocked to see the baby's foot! _"Shit!" _He said under his breath, scared and unsure of exactly what to do. They were less than five minutes from the hospital, he could try to delay her, try to get her not to push but with her bleeding like this, being in so much pain he wondered if that was the right decision.

"I don't care if we're five seconds away" She screamed. "Elliot...help her!" She pled through her tears. The pain was unreal at this point and she was fighting just to stay conscious. "Please!"

"Oh god! ...okay… We're gonna do this!" He said as he rolled his sleeves. " Kelly, hurry!" He said, catching the man's eyes and with all seriousness. Kelly knew that time was crucial and nodded his understanding, nervously. "Olivia, Baby, push!"

* * *

As Fennigan and Bradshaw stood with the Nassau PD, and now the ambulance, going through the room in the basement, they were at a sense of disbelief over what they thought had happened.

From the looks of it, this man had either raped or attempted to rape both Olivia and the other woman, who they still hadn't identified but found her to be barely alive when they got there and now the ambulance was trying to stabilize her before they took her to the hospital. This man however, he was as dead as he could be; lying on the bed with his penis out, a knife hanging from his neck and ten bullet holes in his body. They were further shocked to see what looked like the same amniotic fluid that Bradshaw had slipped on, on the bed but with more blood.

"What the hell went on here?" The Sergeant wondered aloud. Just then a detective came over the radio from upstairs.

"_Sarge...you're not gonna believe this…"_

"Believe what, Jannings?"

"_Ma'am the body you have down there… It's Harlan Lewis!"_

* * *

Trying to give birth to her baby; why did nobody tell her that she'd be hanging between life and death and that the pain would be unlike anything she's ever felt or would feel again? She knew that she had to get her daughter here; she was bleeding so much and the baby was coming but _Dear God_ why did it have to hurt so bad? She would literally give her arm for some respite from the pain! Several times she wondered if she had died but even then, she hadn't felt anything like this.

In the middle of a long push and Olivia had nothing left to give and she was praying that Serena came because she couldn't hold on much longer. There was sweat pouring off her and she was finding it much more difficult than she anticipated. She was at the end of her rope, exhausted from the labor, exhausted from the pushing, and when she collapsed against the seat, she started to cry knowing she just couldn't go on. As much as she knew that she had to get her baby out, she couldn't!

"I can't do it." she wept. Her voice weak and threading "...oh god!" she cried in that same weak tone as another contraction came and her eyes were closing.

"Liv, Liv, don't close your eyes, baby you have to stay awake" he pled desperately, trying to keep her awake. "you're bleeding a lot and I have to get the baby out, you have to help me."

"I'm trying…I swear!" she cried.

"Try harder! You can do this, Liv, she needs you!" But at this point she was thoroughly exhausted and begging for it to be over. Elliot felt as if his heart were breaking but he knew that they had to get the baby out; if she could just give one more push. "Liv, one more and I got her! Come on baby, please!"

"Elliot I can't!"

"Liv please…" He begged, knowing that time was against him. "just one more push baby, I promise just one more; please! I know you're tired, I know, but you have to do this for Serena!" He said with tears in his eyes. He was so scared for them both and he didn't want to have to be here, in this police car, delivering a baby but circumstance said otherwise. Now as he looked at Olivia, just utterly weakened from all this he prayed that she could find it in her to just push one more time. "Olivia...PLEASE!" He cried. When she moved forward, preparing to push for the final time, she didn't scream. She focused all her energy on that push. She didn't think about Elliot or Harlan or anything except getting her baby out. And as tears fell from her eyes from the pain being so intense, she pushed with all her strength, Elliot took the baby gently by the middle and pulled, hoping to get her out.

"I got her Liv! She's almost here baby!"

"We're here!" Kelly said, a wave of relief in his voice as he turned around and immediately regretted it, his stomach ready to blow when he saw Olivia, spread wide with a bloodied baby being pulled out of her! Olivia let out the breath she'd been holding and fell back, exhausted.

"Get a doctor! Hurry!" Elliot yelled, bringing Kelly back to his senses and he raced from the car!

* * *

As Fin and Nick were just making it to the house…

"This better be good, Fennigan, we supposed to be at the hospital!" He said as he and Nick got out of the car.

"Trust me, you guys are gonna...I still can't believe it!" Fennigan said, disbelievingly.

"Believe what?" Nick asked.

"Your Sergeant, she…"

"She…?" Fin said.

"That dead body we got down there; I don't know how, but it's Harlan Lewis...and I think he raped your sergeant again!" Fin and Nick turned to look at one another then looked at Fennigan, hurt and rage on their faces.

* * *

"Breathe Olivia!" Elliot said as he delivered the baby. Although she was in a tremendous amount of pain, he finally managed to pull Serena free amidst the blood and miraculously, the baby took a breath and came out wailing as Olivia broke down, crying tears of happiness when she heard her baby. She'd just given birth, given life and she was not prepared for what that would do to her. She suddenly forgot all the pain she had been in and the blood that was pouring out of her and focused instead on her daughter; she was alive!

"_Serena..." _She cried weakly as Elliot cut the cord quickly and handed the baby to her, her hands trembling as she received her and held her close. Olivia was so pale, so fragile and she was fighting to keep her eyes open as she kissed Serena. _"I love you baby girl!" _She sobbed as the child screamed but seemed to calm down once she was in Olivia's arms. She and Serena looked at one another and the baby quieted as Olivia smiled and Elliot looked on, tears in his eyes and so happy and thankful but worried as he looked at the blood. He was relieved when he looked and saw the doctor came rushing towards the car with the nurses and a stretcher.

Olivia touched her daughter's cheek and passed out, the baby on her chest and crying.

"Liv…?" He cried as he lifted the baby from her and tried to find a pulse. The doctor and nurses made it to the car with detective Kelly and Elliot quickly got out, holding the baby close with bloody hands as the nurses took her from his arms. "You have to help her!" He cried as they lifted Olivia from the car and rushed her inside.

* * *

"This is some sick shit!" Fin said out loud but to no one as he looked around Harlan's room. He was shocked, to say the least, he and Amaro both were. The walls were plastered with pictures of Olivia throughout her pregnancy and articles on her.

By his bedside, he kept articles on Brian ever since he had his accident and went into that coma, sort of like Harlan was checking to make sure he stayed that way!

"Don't take a genius to figure out what happened to Brian!" Fin said.

"I can't believe it!" Bradshaw said, still in shock.

"This fuck was under our noses the entire time and we didn't know!" Nick spat with a kick to the wall. "He was alive all this time, Fin! He raped her...again..." He said with tears in his eyes.

"We don't know that…" Fennigan said. "We're just assuming."

"Assuming? What, you livin in denial now? That's her blood on that bed, hers! That fuck died with his penis out; his blood covered…" he turned away from the men in the room and collected himself before turning back around while Fin went out of the room, feeling overwhelmed and ready to hurt something. He thought back to Pennsylvania all those months ago, how Olivia was destroyed then, could barely get words out and it was because of Harlan Lewis. Now they find out that he hadn't died all those months ago, he's been alive in this mansion, doing god knows what and finally after stalking her for months, he again, kidnaps and rapes… Angry, he made his way downstairs.

"I swore never to touch a woman in anger but, if that bitch Bronwyn makes it, I'm gonna choke her out with my bare hands!" Nick swore. "Does Elliot know about this?"

"We got here, we found Sergeant Benson. She was in the living room on the floor; b…" Bradshaw suddenly stopped himself when he caught sight of Fennigan behind Amaro, shaking his head and Bradshaw realized what he was saying.

"What?" When Bradshaw looked at Fennigan and then Nick looked at them both.

"Look…" Fennigan said, realizing that Nick would find out anyway. "When we found her, she was beaten and her shirt was torn… she was just out of it. She said they were in the basement, me and Fennigan went down and Elliot left to get her to the hospital."

"Son of a bitch!"

* * *

In the basement, Fin came straight for Harlan's body but the detectives there stopped him.

"Don't do it detective." Eastman said, obscuring Harlan's body as he stepped in front of Fin.

"Get out of my way!"

"And what? Let you beat a dead man? Fuck up the ME's autopsy, get yourself in a bunch of trouble? Not for this guy, he's not worth it!" Eastman said.

"Do you know what this man has done? How many people he's hurt?"

"I know exactly what he's done and it's taking everything in me to not do the exact same thing you came here to do but he's not worth it! I'm sorry for what he did to your Sergeant but she got him, she got him and he's done, he's never gonna hurt anybody again. Take some comfort in that!"

* * *

At the hospital, Elliot sat in Olivia's room by her bedside holding the baby while he waited for her to wake up. The baby had thankfully checked out fine, 6lbs, 11ozs and she was beyond okay in spite of what Olivia went through and as Elliot sat holding her, he thought she was the most beautiful little girl he'd ever seen. That was saying a lot for a man with three daughters of his own but she was as beautiful as they came. A head full of dark hair, Elliot remembered he'd heard an old wives tale years ago that said heartburn in a pregnant woman means lots of hair for the baby. He'd never known if it was true however, since all of his kids were born bald. But now looking at Serena, he laughed.

"So this is the result of all that heartburn, huh?" He said to a very alert Serena. She watched him under the beautiful long lashes of her big brown eyes which were open and taking in the new world around her; as much as she could. Being a little more than an hour old she was still pretty exhausted from her birth and let out a giant yawn.

"Your mommy went through a lot to get you here" He said as she looked up at him. "Yeah, she did. Maybe one day she'll tell you all about it- leaving out the unnecessary parts of course but you, little beauty, you are a fighter just like her!" Serena yawned again and Elliot looked at her. "Am I boring you already, Serena?" He laughed as she smiled and closed her eyes.

"It's okay, you sleep and hopefully when you wake up we'll have mommy awake too!" He kissed her head before lying her down in her bassinet beside Olivia's bed and making sure to cover her. "Welcome to the world, kiddo!" He said before He turned and kissed Olivia on the mouth. "I love you!" He stood over her for a moment and there were tears streaming his face as he said it.

"I love you so damn much; and when you wake up, we're gonna have a fresh start the three of us, wherever you wanna go!" He caressed her cheek, her color already starting to return and he kissed the top of her head before he left the room.

* * *

He was outside for less than a minute, in spite of everything he took a moment to smile and send up a prayer of thanks that everything turned out okay. The prayer was literally leaving his lips when Nick and Fin came around the corner. "Where the hell have you two been?"

"We stopped by the crime scene." Nick said. "How's Liv doin?"

"6lbs, 11ozs!"

"She's here?" Fin asked. Finally some happiness came from this situation and he and Nick couldn't help smiling.

"Here and beautiful!" Elliot said as he took his phone from his pocket to show the guys pictures.

"Before you do that, El, we gotta talk to you"

"About?"

"Liv's abduction; El, it's worse than we thought." Nick said. Elliot stood looking back and forth at he and Fin, not understanding.

"I think we need to sit down..." Fin told Elliot "you're gonna need it!"

* * *

**So I decided on sooner as opposed to later; well, the urge hit me. See y'all next time, maybe some Amanda? We'll see.**


	53. Coming To Terms

**Chapter 53**

* * *

.

As Elliot sat in her room, keeping a watchful eye over little Serena as she lay sleeping peacefully in her bassinet, his mind was so filled that he didn't even know where to begin! He looked over at Olivia, and tears immediately rushed to his eyes that he quickly wiped away.

"_It was Harlan in that house, El. We found him in the basement where Liv was kept, Bronwyn did the kidnapping and brought Olivia right to him!"_

"How could I let this happen again?" He thought just as the baby began to stir, her tiny cries coming from the bassinet. Elliot immediately got up and walked over to her, leaning over the bassinet. "Hey there little one." He said, lifting her in his arms. "What's the fuss, huh princess?" The baby whined for another few seconds before she began to quiet down and settled into his arms as he walked the room with her against his chest. He kissed the top of her head, inhaling her brand new scent while Olivia was dreaming.

_"This..." He laughed. "Oh man, oh man! ...tell me you are as surprised to see me as I am to see you…"_

_"Don't do this!" she begged as he punched her in the face, then squeezed her neck before he ripped off her bra through her shirt._

"_I'm gonna do you so good, baby!"_

_"No, nooo!" She cried panicking while she tried to ignore the pain ripping through her from the labor..._

_"It's happenin bitch, might as well enjoy it!" He said, causing pain as he squeezed then turned and ripped her pants from her body and tore her panties off, discarding them. He placed himself between her legs and she could feel him hard against her and it made her sick; she could not let this happen again. Could not allow herself to be further violated by this man and so with everything in her, she fought him…_

Just that fast she startled awake, nearly jumping out of her skin, a cry emitting her lips as she struggled, breathing in deep, panicked gasps and pulling at the oxygen tube that was attached.

Elliot quickly nestled the baby into her bassinet and rushed over to Olivia.

"Liv, Liv it's okay, calm down!" He said, speaking soft yet firm, holding her down as much as he could without traumatizing her further but he needed to calm her. She was in tears, "Olivia, honey stop! Look at me; it's just me...it's just me baby!" When she stopped struggling and looked at him, realizing she was safe...

"Where's my baby? Elliot, give me my baby!" She cried through her tears. Elliot hadn't seen her so on edge in a long time and it alarmed him! He quickly went and lifted Serena from her bassinet and put her in the crook of his arm to hand her off to her mother.

"Liv it's alright, she's right here." He said as he settled the baby in her arms. She took hold of her and unleashed more tears, Elliot standing by her bed and watching her, his heart breaking in a million pieces as all of what he'd been told was suddenly confirmed right before his eyes, Harlan had raped her again and it took everything in him to keep calm for Olivia.

"Please...I just want to be alone!"

"L-"

"Elliot please!" She whispered as she held Serena close. Elliot wanted to stay, he wanted to tell her that he was here for her, that they all were but he knew that this wasn't the time. She needed to gather her thoughts, so much had happened in just the last 24 hours and she'd given birth to a baby that she still didn't know if Harlan was her father on top of almost dying. As much as he just wanted to take her in his arms and hold her, to love the pain away; she needed some time and it was with this that he kissed her head as she cried silently and he walked out.

"You're okay!"" She cried as she cradled Serena close to her. "Oh god, you're okay!"

* * *

In the hall, Elliot sat down in one of the chairs and dropped his head into his hands as tears started to flow and again, he wiped them away. There was no time for this, not when Olivia was so fragile; he had to be there for her, he'd deal with his own stuff later.

For now, he took out his phone and called Olivia's lawyer. They would be starting soon on the paternity case and he had to let her know that Olivia wouldn't be there and why.

* * *

In Manhattan at the hospital, Brian's mom was busy fawning over him. He'd had a rough night last night, the doctors having trouble stabilizing him as his blood pressure dipped dangerously low throughout the night and now, it was barely borderline but it was improved and his mom sent a prayer of thanks.

As she prepared for court, she dreaded leaving him, her baby. But she figured that if all went well, she'd be bringing him good news, news that could possibly help him to wake up and she knew that if he turned out to be the father of Olivia's baby, it would be just what he needed to get on the road to recovery.

"Today's the day!" She said to him, trying to sound optimistic as she adjusted his pillow to make it nice and comfortable. "Momma's gonna go to that courtroom and get your little girl!" But he couldn't hear her. The seizures he'd suffered lately had all but killed his brain and every day since they'd started he took in less and less and now, it was like talking to a log. The doctors warned her that he was headed in this direction but she wanted to believe that her son would pull through. That with time he'd be fine, regardless of what the doctors said and she would keep believing that.

"She'll be just what you need to come back to me!" And she kissed his lips before she went on her way.

* * *

"What do you want me to do? I am her attorney, so I can get the results if she wants." Carolyn told him.

"That's just it, I don't know what to do but I do know that if we wait…"

"That's not an answer but, I get it. Look, Elliot, as long as you understand that Olivia is my client and that I can't discuss the results with you-"

"No, no, I get it...just please, get the results and I'll have her call you when she wants them... thanks Carolyn." and he hung up the phone, praying that he'd done the right thing before he stood up, starting to go into Olivia's room but decided against it.

"She just needs a minute to let it all settle in man, she'll be okay!" Fin said.

"I know. Would you keep an eye on her? I gotta take a walk, get some air!"He said.

"Don't worry about it!"

"Thanks…" deciding instead to go pay Bronwyn a visit.

* * *

When he reached the 5th floor, he stopped at the nurses station to flash his badge and get Bronwyn's room number. Told that it was 529, he walked along the corridor until he came to it, a guard posted outside her door and Nick standing by the window to her room.

"So this is where you disappeared to, huh?" He said to Nick.

"I had to see to it that this bitch was down!" He said as he stared into her room and without turning around "I thought you were with Liv?"

"I was...but with everything sinking in-"

"Will this ever just end?"

* * *

Downstairs, Fin sat outside Liv's door for as long as he could before deciding that he couldn't wait anymore and went to her. He knocked twice before he heard her tell him to come in, she thinking it was a nurse and surprised to see that it was Fin.

"Hey" He greeted simply as she sat there in bed, holding her sleeping daughter. He looked over her, the stitches below her eye and her cut, swollen lip standing out along with the bruises to her face and neck and for just a moment he got angry but it was quickly replaced by joy at seeing her holding that beautiful baby.

"Fin...I can't right now, I just…" She said, trying to keep her tears in as she looked down at her daughter who was thankfully sleeping.

"It's okay, you don't have to be strong with me baby girl." He said as he approached the bed. She's gorgeous!"

"Thanks...I take it you know about him?"

"Saw the eleven holes you put in him!"

"He…" She swallowed the sob in her throat but her tears… "can I borrow your shoulder one last time?" the tears were about to burst again and she needed comfort.

"Do you even have to ask? Come here!" He said as he sat beside her and took her in his arms, her cries filling the room as her tears soaked his jacket. "It's alright Liv, just let it out; let it all out!"

"I hate him!" She cried "...and I wish to god that I could kill him again!"

* * *

Over at Darrell's apartment, Amanda had finally decided to get up and out of bed, taking a shower and now sat in the living room, curled up on the sofa in her pajamas.

Darrell's mom had arrived yesterday morning and after seeing her, Amanda just wanted to be left alone. Darrell looked so much like his mother; his smile, his eyes, the slope of his nose; she couldn't handle it and thankfully his mother understood and gave her some time.

For the first time since Friday night, she gathered the bag they had given her at the morgue and dumped its contents on the coffee table in front of her.

She began looking through the various things; his wallet where he kept a receipt from their first date. They'd gone to play paintball; she remembered that she'd never had so much fun in her life she thought as she wiped a tear that made it's way down her face.

She spent the next few minutes going through the bag, among the things inside included his cell phone with a screensaver of them engaged in a kiss on their wedding day and she fell apart. But what made her lose it above all else was the chain she later pulled out of the bag. He'd wore it around his neck and it had his wedding ring on it, just like hers had. Lying down on the couch with the ring and holding it close while she sobbed, she just wished that she had told him not to go. She wished that he'd just stayed, made love to her until they were both too tired to do anything except lie there and think about their future children and talk about how cute they'd be and then drift off to sleep with it in their minds.

As she lay there on the sofa thinking of Darrell, she didn't know that she was missing the burner phone that had been in the bag. Fin had taken it when he and Amaro had brought Olivia by and he was now waiting for it to be unlocked although he didn't need it at this point, he'd found all he needed when they'd searched the mansion!

* * *

Later Olivia came out of the bathroom walking slowly with a limp. She nearly passed out from the pain of urinating! Between the birth ripping her open and the doctors trying to control the bleeding afterwards she'd gotten a ton of stitches down below and right now, she was feeling every single one.

"You alright?"

"It's a good thing I'm old because I am…"

"Lemme guess, never doing this again?" Fin laughed. "The way I see it, unless you got that taken care of, Mr. Supersperm'll fix that in no time, better watch it!" She smiled briefly and gave a curt laugh.

"Thanks for watching her." She said as she slowly sat in the chair opposite him

"No problem. I think this is the most beautiful baby I've ever seen. You did good, Liv!" He said as he put Serena in her arms and she grew quiet.

"Fin what if I can't protect her?" She said as she looked down at her with tears in her eyes. He took a spare blanket from the closet and draped it over her legs. "What if one day…"

"What if one day she's happy and content? She's got a mother that loves her and a guy that although he has the propensity to be a huge asshole, he's a great father and he's gonna love and protect her like his own. Don't waste you time on 'what ifs' baby girl, just concentrate on what's in front of you, you'll be alright!" Olivia hugged him just as the baby started to whine. "I'm gonna go and let you tend to her. You remember what I said, and if you need me, you just call!"

"I will, and Fin?"

"Yeah?"

"If you see El, would you send him in?"

"Will do." By the time Fin left, the Serena's whines were escalating to cries. Olivia quickly unhooked her gown on one side and let it fall, putting Serena to her breast and though it was painful, she watched as she latched on and began to feed, and she sat back in the chair to get comfortable as she held her.

"You know, throughout my pregnancy I wondered if I was doing the right thing with having you, then I wondered if I was doing the right thing with keeping you; then giving you up and now… I'm so sorry I ever thought of letting you go!" She said as tears fell and she held the baby's tiny hand and kissed it. "I love you so much, even more than I thought was possible; you're only a few hours old and I already can't imagine my world without you in it...my Serena. One day, when you're old enough I'll tell you about your grandmother. You're named after her and she would have loved you almost as much as I do! ...I don't know if you're Brian's or his, you honestly dont look like either of them, but I do know that it doesn't matter who's you are. You're mine and that's all that counts, I love you baby!"

* * *

After he went to see Bronwyn, Elliot talked with Nick before he went to call his kids. He couldn't reach the twins so he talked to Maureen and Kathleen for what seemed like forever. He'd decided not to tell them about the kidnapping and instead just focused on Liv and the baby, both of them being so happy that Serena was finally here and telling him that they'd both come by to see Olivia when she felt up to it before they said goodbye and told their father they loved him. Afterwards, he decided to take a walk around the hospital before making his way back to Liv's room where he saw Fin on the way.

"Headin out?" Elliot asked.

"Yeah, I gotta check in on Amanda then get to the precinct."

"Thanks for everything, Fin, I mean it!"

"You just keep Liv and that little girl happy! By the way I think she's okay now, she asked me to send you in if I saw you."

"You talked to her?"

"Somethin like that. I'll see you later." He said and left. Elliot hurried down the hall and went straight for Liv's room. He knocked as he entered and was surprised to see her in the chair and nursing.

"You're breastfeeding!?" He said, both a surprised statement and a question.

"I thought I'd try it; it's better for her than formula and she seems to be taking to it pretty good." She said and stroked the baby's hair. " but gosh, it hurts like hell!" Elliot came and kneeled in front of her, taking Olivia's hand and kissing it before he took Serena's hand, letting her wrap it around his finger and he sat there for a minute.

"She's got a grip!"

"Not just with her hands! I never thanked you for what you did."

"No need, it's what anybody would do."

"You're not just anybody." She said and took his hand, pausing before she spoke again. "I wanna move on. I wanna put all of this behind me, I can't make a good life for her, or for us if I don't… I should have told you what he did to me; months ago I should have told you but I didn't- I didn't know how." She was in tears which made Elliot get teary. "I'm so sorry!"

"Hey, I love you, you understand? More than anything else in this world, I love you! You have nothing to be sorry for; whatever he did to you, I still love you and I will always love you. I will always want you and I'll always need you. You are my life and I don't know how to be clearer about that!" She kissed his lips, sweetly and lovingly, telling him without words and when she was done, their lips parted and their foreheads touched as they held each others faces close and tears ran down hers.

"What about Serena? If she's Brian's, his mother-"

"Will have a hell of a fight!" He said and they let a brief silence settle between them.

"Tell me again"

"That I love you more than life? Because I do; and that includes the little goober now, too!"

* * *

At the courthouse…

"...the honorable Robert J. Young deciding. You may be seated." The bailiff said. As the judge got comfortable and the courtroom got settled, Mrs. Cassidy looking over at Olivia's lawyer's table and then around the courtroom, she failed to see Olivia.

_"...or that damn boyfriend of hers...what are they trying to pull here?" _She thought and began whispering to her lawyer.

"Is there a problem?" Judge Young asked Joanie's lawyer.

"Actually sir, there is. It seems that Ms. Benson has chosen to skip out on the hearing and we fear she may have left town." Max Pooley, Joanie's attorney told the judge.

"Ms. Jeris? Care to address this?" Judge Young asked Olivia's attorney.

"Gladly your honor. Sergeant Benson is in the hospital. She went into labor last night and gave birth just after seven this morning with complications. I assure you she has not "skipped out" on this hearing and in fact, I've been instructed to collect the results in her absence." Joanie's eyes went large.

"Are she and the baby alright?" Judge Young asked, concerned.

"Yes sir. Everything turned out well, I'll tell her you asked." She smiled and sat.

"Very well, if everyone is satisfied, we can begin."

"_So, the slut tried to hide the fact that she'd given birth to my grandchild? No worries, Olivia. You'll pay for that too!" _Joanie smiled smugly.

* * *

**More to come, kids.**


	54. Postpartum Blues

**Chapter 54.**

* * *

Two hours since he and Olivia had a heart to heart in her room and he could see, even then her emotional state deteriorating. As much as she'd tried to maintain a sense of happiness at her daughter being here, she couldn't hide the underlying sadness that was outweighing it and Elliot was worried about her.

Right now, the nurse had come in to check her, and while she was doing that, Elliot stepped out and took a call that came in from Elizabeth. After 15 minutes, they were just winding down their conversation when he saw two visitors coming down the hall.

"Okay...let me get back to you, Lizzie; I love you too!" Two men who were obviously from the bureau were approaching Olivia's door and he hurried over, cutting them off. "Can I help you gentlemen?"

"Stabler, right? I'm Agent-"

"What are you doing here?"

"We're here to talk to Sergeant Benson" Austin told him.

"Harlan Lewis and his daughter put her through a bunch of hell today and you think she's in the condition right now to-"

"Look, we don't want to make life difficult but we have a job to do too; we just wanna get this done!" Phillips said, full of ego. He was the taller of the two. Muscled and too tanned, even in winter with blonde hair and shockingly white teeth.

"And you can, just-" When he realized that he was near yelling, he paused, took a breath and took his voice down in light of the fact that they were in a hospital. "...not right now okay? She's been through enough" He said in a lighter, but still angry tone. "...I'm asking you, please don't do this now; can you wait, even a day?"

"I'm sorry, but we have orders." Agent Austin said sorrowfully. He was the shorter of the two men, stocky with a bald head, his forty five years not at all betrayed by his smooth, dark brown skin. "The bureau wants to close the chapter on Harlan Lewis and we can't do that without Sergeant Benson's testimony."

* * *

"120/85..." The nurse, Charlene told Olivia as she removed the cuff from her arm. "We are concerned about that fever, but don't worry, we'll keep watch."

"But it's low; I mean, I won't need anything, will I?" Although she didn't tell her about the pain in her abdomen, figuring it was just a normal postpartum effect.

"You're already taking Tylenol for pain so we'll wait and see. I'll check you every 20 minutes or so."

"Okay, thanks." She said. Just as Charlene was leaving, Elliot came in with the two men who Olivia didn't recognize and she immediately tensed up, thankful that she was holding Serena.

"El, who are they?" She asked as she looked at the men in their suits.

"Olivia, they need to take your statement about…"

"Hello, Sergeant Benson. I'm Agent Stanley Phillips, this is Agent Clark Austin, FBI." The tall, blonde man said as he flashed his credentials then approached Olivia's bed and offered his hand. Olivia looked at him, looked at his outstretched hand and instead she greeted him verbally.

"Um, do you need to do this now?"

"I understand that this is difficult" Austin said.

"You don't actually…" The fact was, take away what had happened with Bronwyn and Harlan and she was already very sensitive. Having delivered a tiny human just hours ago put her at a 10 on the emotional scale, but factor in almost dying and almost losing her baby, plus what happened with dad and daughter; it was simply too much for her to revisit right now.

"Sergeant, I assure you, the last thing we want to do is upset you-" Austin said

"...but you have a job to do. I know." She took a moment to put Serena in the bassinet before she turned back to face them.

"Liv, you don't have to do this right now!" Elliot saw that she was near tears and wished to god that Austin and Phillips would leave.

"El it's fine" she said as she wiped her eyes. "I can do it."

* * *

After checking in at the precinct and filling out some paperwork, Fin got home and took off his coat before he jumped into a long, hot shower and scrubbed the last 24 hours away before going to Amanda's. Later, coming out of his room, clean and in fresh clothes, he made a cup of coffee and started eating a bagel in the kitchen before he took the mug, leaving the other half of his bagel behind and got comfortable on his couch.

On his coffee table, he picked up a book that he'd taken from the crime scene out in the Hamptons.. He'd known that he shouldn't have but when he weighed the options, he couldn't let Darrell go down looking like a crooked cop. Amanda had just lost him, was mourning his loss heavily and he needed to know. He had seen the book open on Bronwyn's desk and saw Darrell's name in an entry. Knowing that he didn't have time to stand there and read he speedily shut it and put it in his coat to peruse later. Now here he sat, the book open once more and he prayed that it would tell him something that didn't make Darrell look bad.

_"Let's say hypothetically you had someone blackmailing you and you had no leverage to get out of it…" Darrell said as Fin sat looking at him. "Not for me!"_

_"Uh huh! Well let me ask you a question... hypothetically what would this person be blackmailing you with? Hypothetically!"_

_"I can't say really, being that it's just a hypothetical you dig?"_

_"Yeah, I dig." Fin said. He didn't trust this cat as far as he could throw him but he played Darrell's supposition game and answered him anyway. "If it were me, I'd tell this person to hell with them!"_

_"But what if that didn't work? Let's say this person was threatening someone you loved? ...hypothetically."_

_"Darrell, imma ask you, is it somethin I need to know?"_

_"No. Like I said; it's just a hypothetical!"_

One thing was clear, it was obvious now that Bronwyn was the person blackmailing him, now the only question was _with what? _Fin thought as he delved into the book.

* * *

"...I don't know, Bronwyn was there...I don't remember much, just seeing her and then I must've passed out She'd uh, she'd given me a, a something in a needle that knocked me out…"

"Was this before you woke up in the room?" Phillips asked.

"Before, I...no, when the men first took me; I saw Bronwyn in the van. I was screaming for help and one of them covered my mouth while another injected me."

"Whereabouts?"

"My um, my neck... Right here." She pointed to the spot that was still somewhat swollen on the side of her neck.

"And you know this is the site where you were injected because...?" Phillips continued. Olivia looked at him, realizing suddenly that she did not like this man but she choked back the tears that she thankfully hadn't cried yet and she answered him.

"I knew that the feds were assholes, but you… I was, I was lying on my left side when they pulled me into the van and the man with the syringe almost put his knee against my stomach to hold me down."

"How do you know that it was a man?"

"Are you kidding me right now?" Her tears were starting to flow out of anger and she looked over at Elliot to calm herself.

"No, I'm n-" Phillips started, a smug look on his face. Elliot sat, getting madder by the second and trying hard not to grab Phillips and beat him senseless by reminding himself that Serena was in the room. Austin could tell she was on edge, and knew that she would go over if Phillips didn't stop pushing her.

"Sergeant Benson..." He called to her, speaking softly and talking over Phillips. "The sooner we can get through this, the sooner we can be done with it. That's all we want; please… I can get rid of Phillips"

"You can't…" Phillips started to protest but Austin put his hand up to silence him.

"...it can be just you and me. Please, Sergeant." He begged. "Let us close this!"

She sat thinking for a moment, wiping her tears and looked over at Serena who was still sleeping and then at Austin. Something about his eyes told her that she could trust him;. maybe after this was over she could have some peace, finally. "El, would you wait outside with Phillips?" She said, surprising Elliot.

"Liv, I can…"

"It's okay, I just need to get this over with." Elliot didn't like it, but he understood and he kissed her on the lips, quick but with purpose.

"I'll be right outside the door!" She nodded "You wanna end this, you say the word!" He said before he pushed Phillips out the door. When they were gone, Austin walked over to the bassinet and looked down at the sleeping baby.

"She's beautiful." He said with a smile as he turned to Olivia.

"Thank you; she's been my one source of calm in all this madness.

"Even in spite of who fathered her?" He asked, meaning no malice and Olivia could see that.

"She's innocent, in spite of what Harlan…"

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean…" He apologized earnestly.

"It's okay. Can we get this over with?"

* * *

"You piece of shit!" Elliot yelled at Phillips the moment they were in the hall and away from Olivia's door.

"I was just doing my job." Phillips had an _I don't give a fuck _attitude and it showed in his every action.

"Your job? It's your job to harass an already on edge rape victim? Do you even know half of what that prick has done to her?"

"I can't say I really care!" He said with a dismissive air about him. Elliot grabbed him up by the collar and slammed him into the nearest wall.

"You smug sonofabitch! Give me one reason why I shouldn't put your head through a wall!"

"You wanna take me on?"

"Not in this hospital!" The security guard said as he hurried over. Elliot stood firm, looking as if he could destroy Phillips as he stood pinning him to the wall for several seconds before he let him go.

"Anytime, Stabler!" Phillips taunted as Elliot walked away needing to let off some steam. He went into the bathroom and punched a hole through the wall with his fist, hitting it twice more and making the hole bigger before he turned around with his back against the wall, running his bruised hand down his face.

* * *

"Hey." Fin greeted Nick as he walked into Fin's apartment.

"You said it was important" Nick said as he put his coat on the couch.

"Don't ask me how."

"How what?"

"Didn't I just say don't ask? I know now why I didn't trust Collins."

"Why?"

"Maybe you should have a drink, you won't believe this shit!"

* * *

"You sure that you're okay?" Elliot asked Olivia as she sat, nursing the baby. She had been so quiet since Austin and Phillips left, Austin having gotten a chance to finish getting her statement in spite of her having some setbacks. Especially when it came time for her to talk about seeing Harlan again, but he understood and gave her the time she needed to collect herself in order to continue. All in all, it took her just over an hour to give the statement and when they finally finished, she was even more withdrawn than she had been. Losing herself in the baby, caring only about her needs.

"I'm fine. I actually, um, I need some things from home." She said, just needing to be alone for a while.

"Sure...yeah, I could get anything you need tomorrow." He said, afraid to leave her but she was insistent.

"I need my things in my bag that I packed for the hospital; I'd feel much better if I had them. Could you please? I know it's a long drive"

"It's okay. I could actually use a fresh change of clothes." He said, having gotten blood on the ones he wore. He had been running around in scrubs since then. "The bag…

_"Get off me!" she cried, landing blows where she could while he had her by the neck and freed himself from his pants. When she spotted the butter knife on the floor by the bed, she scrambled to grab it, scurrying back as best she could but with Harlan's weight on her, coupled with the pain of the contractions, it took everything in her to be able to move._

_"It only hurts if you fight it baby!" The next thing she knew, while she was struggling to get the knife, she felt it. He had forced himself inside her and for a moment she simply froze while he began thrusting inside of her, knocking her backward with the strength of his movements. "Good god yer pussy is so damn good!"_

_She lay there for a moment as tears rolled down her face, Harlan going on, berating her. She blocked it all out, disappearing for a moment, but then she was suddenly brought back, remembering why she was fighting and while Harlan was grunting on top of her moving viciously, she reached a final time for the knife and this time she grabbed it and jammed it into his neck as she screamed..._

"Olivia...Liv?" Elliot called, she immediately snapped out of her reverie and looked up at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah...I just…" She started but then she noticed that Serena was finished feeding from her breast and she took a minute to switch sides. "Just the bag is fine." She told him as she watched her daughter.

* * *

"What do you wanna do? You say report this and I'm there, you wanna let it go, I'm there too!" Nick said. He could believe it yet here there it was, all spelled out in the book.

"Honestly, I don't know. Do I hate this guy for what he agreed to do? Absolutely, but do I understand? Yes, and that's what gets me in the end, he did it to protect Amanda from that lunatic bitch! Went about it in the wrong way by agreeing to what she wanted, but he tried to protect her and in the end, I gotta wonder if maybe I judged him too fast!"

* * *

Over at Darrell's, Amanda sat on the tub in the master bathroom while his mother was in the kitchen making her something to eat although she didn't feel like eating; she had been sick to her stomach since saturday morning. And though she didn't want to be rude and while she understood that Darrell's mother loved him too and for way longer than she, losing him, she felt was her pain and she didn't want to, couldn't share that pain with anyone.

She nervously looked toward the counter space that housed the sinks and she started to cry again. "D, I can't do this without you!" _Who am I kidding, I can't this period! Maybe you're not, maybe you're just late because you're stressed. _"But what if I am? This could be the last piece of you that I have left!" She cried softly. "I know we talked about doing this one day but baby, I'm so scared. You're not here…"

She was interrupted when there was suddenly a knock at the door.

"Amanda Jean, honey your meal is ready. Darrell's mom called from the other side of the door.

"I'll be out in a minute!" She listened to make sure that Eugenia was gone before she resumed talking to Darrell. "I guess I should look now, huh?" She said and walked nervously over to the sinks to pick up the pregnancy test that was sitting on the counter space. When she had it in her hand she turned it over and her eyes bugged at the result.

"We're gonna have a baby!" She cried as she wrapped her arms around her middle.

* * *

First time alone with the baby and for the last five minutes, all she'd done was wail, her arms flailing as she cried at the top of her lungs and Olivia feeling like she wanted to rip her own ponytail out.

"Shhhh." Olivia tried unsuccessfully to quiet the child as she turned and reached for her again, flinching at her discomfort as she did. "Please don't cry." She begged, on edge and wanting to cry herself. She didn't know what to do as far as the baby screaming and truly felt lost.

Checking the baby's diaper, she saw that she didn't need changing but Serena still cried and so Olivia began to bounce her lightly; still doing no good; she pulled herself out of bed and began walking the room in spite of the pain she was in.

When she put the baby against her chest and walked the room, it did nothing and Serena continued to cry. "I don't know, Serena please stop crying!" She was feeling so overwhelmed right now! She never should have sent Elliot to the house, she thought. She didn't tell the doctor or Elliot that she had a lot of pain in her abdomen; more so than just normal postpartum discomfort and she couldn't handle Serena screaming when she felt like she wanted to pass out.

Olivia immediately put the baby in the crook of her arms again and tried to quiet her with a pacifier. "It's alright baby" she spoke softly, trying to keep her own anxiety in check but tears were fastly escaping her eyes. She'd just fed the baby so she couldn't be hungry she thought, but also thinking she might still be hungry, she sat down in the chair and tried to put her to her breast but got more crying.

Deciding at this point that she couldn't handle this, she just sat there in the chair, breast out, with Serena in her arms and cried right along with her. "Please stop crying!" She cried, whispering through her own tears.

"I thought maybe you could use some help." The nurse, Mecca smiled.

"She won't stop crying and I don't know what to do, I don't…" Olivia sobbed.

"It's okay, all new moms get a little frazzled. May I?" Mecca asked before she took the baby, putting the wailing child to her shoulder "When did she last feed?"

"Twenty minutes"

"I think I know what's wrong." She said and firmly yet gently patted Serena's back. Within seconds Serena let out a large burp before she settled comfortably into Mecca, crying stopped and Olivia looked on, amazed. "There you go little one, all better?" She said in the sweetest voice as she rubbed Serena's back. Olivia started to cry harder.

"Sometimes breastfed babies can take in a little air, you just wanna give them a little pat when they finish feeding, that's all... Come on, it'll be alright." Mecca told her as she handed a now sleeping Serena back to Olivia. Serena immediately snuggled against her mother's bare breast and continued to sleep.

"It won't...I don't know what I'm doing; she was screaming because she had to burp! She was probably in pain and I'm sitting here like an idiot! Is this even okay?" She asked in tears and holding Serena close, referring to her sleeping position.

"It's absolutely okay and don't beat yourself up, it'll all fall into place, I promise!" Mecca smiled as she squeezed her shoulder. "Don't be scared to call if you need anything, I'm on till 8 tonight, my name's Mecca."

"Olivia."

"Nice to meet you, Olivia. o you need me to stay a little while?"

"No, but thank you."

"Just remember, I'm here if you need me." She said before she left, leaving Olivia alone with Serena and still in tears.

_"Brian, I'm sorry...I can't put myself through this right now and I'm asking you to understand...I need time."_

_"I'm sorry too, but if that kid's mine I got a right to know!"_

_"Wait, what are you…?"_

_"Tomorrow I'm asking a judge to order a paternity test!"_

_"You wouldn't do that"_

_"Liv I'm sorry, but you don't give me any other choice"_

_"Brian don't okay, you don't have to do this!"_

_"Then just give me the test, it's not a hard thing!"_

_"Why are you making such an issue out of this? You of all people should understand"_

_"It's just- I've been doing a lot of thinking about this and…"_

_"And what? You're acting like you wanna take her away from me..." When he suddenly got quiet and walked away, she looked at him in shock, her arms protectively tightening around the baby, the realization suddenly hitting her._

_"I...maybe just until you get your head in a better-"_

_"Oh god!" Her tears immediately began to drop._

_"It's just tempor-"_

_"Get out." She said in a very small voice, still holding her belly._

_"Liv"_

_"You are NEVER taking my baby, do you understand? She is mine, now get out!" This time her voice was big and unmistakably very angry through her tears._

_"I just-"_

_"GET OUT!" She screamed and threw the water pitcher at him._

Thinking about that moment as she watched Serena sleeping and her tears continued though she repeatedly wiped them away, she wanted so badly to call Brian's mother and to tell her to come and take Serena; to take this child before she did something to her that she couldn't undo. Maybe Brian was right, maybe she did need a break until she got her head in a better place, especially now. Before all this, everything that happened in the last 48 hours; even in the last 24 hours. She'd been raped and beaten; again, by the man who'd brutalized her for three months. A man who she thought she killed… She thought she killed him; thought that her nightmare was over! All that he'd done to her, all that he'd so happily let all the others do to her and the bastard had the audacity to live and further torment her?

Maybe getting her head together was exactly what she needed. Her mind was just swimming with so much, why did she have to let her love for Serena cloud her heart? In spite of everything, Brian was right, if this was his baby she needed to be with him, or his mother now that he was incapacitated but the point was, she needed to be away from Olivia and that was exactly her train of thought until the other thought crept in the corner of her mind- _but_ _what if she's Harlan's? _Serena sleepily looked up at her and she smiled. Although Olivia knew it wasn't really, it had to be gas but it was a smile and she lay there, blinking her beautiful eyes before she snuggled further against Olivia and returned to sleep.

It was such a small thing but to Olivia it was huge and it was all she needed to make up her mind as she sat back, and let her baby sleep.

* * *

At the hospital in Manhattan, the nurse was finishing up with Brian's sponge bath when his mother walked in, in a noticeably good mood.

"Mrs. Cassidy."

"Jessica, hello dear!"

"You seem happy." She said as she began to rub in moisturizer on Brian's leg.

"I'm beyond happy!" She pushed up her sleeves and lathered up, going to Brian's other leg. "I got good news today!"

"It's good that you have something else besides this to focus on. I'm happy for you."

"Oh thank you!" She was literally beaming, seeming to burst with happiness. "Why don't you go on, I can do this."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, go. Take a much needed break, I'll handle this."

"Thanks Mrs. Cassidy and congrats on the news!" She said as she left, shutting the door behind her. As soon as she was gone, Joanie began lotioning Brian's arms having finished with his leg.

"Oh sweetie, I have the most wonderful thing to tell you!" Brian just lay there, unresponsive with no indication that he could even hear her but to Joanie, he was merely resting and was taking in everything she said. "Your baby was born this morning; a little girl that I know is just perfect, well, your half of her genes is." She grinned "But the important thing is she's ours! She's ours and I promise you, I'll get her for you, and when you wake up; we'll be a family!"

* * *

"Tell me what's going on, Liv." Elliot said.

"I don't really want to talk about it." Olivia said. She was still processing what happened and didn't want a reminder. Instead she focused on the baby in her arms who was busy nursing again; looking at Serena as she grabbed onto her fingertip while she ate.

"I'm sorry babe!" Elliot said as he kissed the top of her head.

"Do you think I'm a bad mother?"

"I think you're a _new _mother."

"?"

"It means" He said as he sat on the bed "that you're gonna have moments where you mess up Liv but it's no reason to freak out. You're learning, babe, you're gonna make mistakes. You can't be so hard on yourself."

"I thought about calling Brian's mom to come get her...I got so crazy; she was crying and I didn't know how to soothe her and then I started to cry…" She got teary just thinking about it but quickly wiped them away.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay." She noticed that Serena was finished eating and she fixed her gown. "Would you burp her? I'm gonna go to the bathroom." She said as she handed Serena off to him and struggled to get up, suddenly reminded of the pain in her abdomen.

"Hey, hold on" Elliot said. She appeared to be in pain and he wanted to help ease it if he could, immediately rushing to stand to help her up.

"I can get up on my own." She said but accepted his help just as she'd taken help from Fin and Nick earlier. As much as she hated to admit it (even if only to herself) she was in so much pain from the birth and moving, in any capacity just agitated it and made it worse but she had to get up and go to the bathroom to change this damn pad as it was feeling full again.

"I know..." Elliot kidded "...amuse me!" He said as he helped her up. Olivia stood halfway before she got dizzy, nearly fainting and Elliot quickly caught her, as she never quite left his arms and he sat her back down. "Liv...?" He was obviously worried though he tried not to show it.

"I'm a little dizzy" She said in a faint voice with her head down, taking deep breaths. "...but I'm okay."

"No, you're not!" Elliot said as he kneeled in front of her. "Honey, look at me…"

"I just got lightheaded for a second, I'm fine. How about you go and put Serena down?" She asked, trying to change the subject and fighting to keep her sudden nausea down, her hand going to her belly.

"Don't worry about Serena, I got her. Right now I need to make sure that you're okay." Just as soon as he said that, Olivia grabbed the pail that was sitting on the table by the bed and threw up. Elliot didn't hesitate, pressing the call button to get a nurse."

"Liv, you're burning up!" He said feeling Olivia's head.

"El, I'm…"

"Fine. Yeah, how about we let the nurse be the judge?"

"I will but right now, I really have to go." She said and stood moving towards the bathroom.

"Liv, I think you should just sit and wait for the-" but he didn't get a chance to finish. She had taken a couple steps when she went down, fainting dead away and hitting the floor. Elliot quickly put the baby down and ran to her. "Liv!" He cried and noticed blood seeping from her in a large puddle as the nurse came in. "We need a doctor!"

* * *

**Damnit Liv. More to come...**


	55. Postpartum Blues II

**55, let's go!**

* * *

.

"Mr. Stabler" The doctor said as she opened the door to Olivia's room. Elliot had been there the entire time since Olivia had fainted and they rushed her off to surgery. He'd watched over Serena, praying that Olivia would pull through, scared out of his mind and now hours later, here was the doctor and Elliot prayed it was good news.

"Is she…" He was too scared to even ask.

"She's gonna pull through." When the doctor said that, relief washed over Elliot and tears started flowing as he walked around the room, silently thanking God. "There were small amounts of placenta left in her uterus and it caused a postpartum hemorrhage but the good news is, we opened her up and got it all out. It was touch and go but we stopped the bleeding. They're bringing her down from PACU now; she'll be a little groggy but, she'll be fine!"

* * *

Upstairs…

"I don't see the point in doing any of this; she's not gonna pull through, I mean look at her!" The young nurse-trainee said as she looked at Bronwyn. "I wonder who split her head open?"

"I don't know" The head nurse lied. She knew how the younger nurses could get about things like this, they spread rumors and she knew that there was another party involved in the mess that Bronwyn made and this party had just given birth. If she could, she wanted to keep this all quiet, so she chose to avoid it. The press, thank god, hadn't gotten wind of the story yet and if she could, she would see to it that it stayed that way. "now let's get this done, we have other patients to tend to."

"Why is there a policeman outside her door? She's handcuffed to the bed!" The younger woman said.

"You can ask her when she's conscious!" The older nurse said, leaving the younger nurse rolling her eyes. She made a mental note to request that the younger nurse be sent to somebody else tomorrow.

* * *

As Elliot sat in the room watching Olivia and holding her hand, he was so grateful that she'd pulled through. All the time he sat there waiting, every second that turned to minutes that became hours, he thought _what if_ and it frightened him. For instance, what would happen to Serena if Olivia didn't make it? He thanked god again that they wouldn't have to deal with that as Olivia stirred and called out to him. She had woken twice, said a couple of words and immediately she went right back to sleep. This time around he hoped she'd be more lucid.

"El…"

"I'm here!" He said as he kissed her hand.

"El...Serena… She's okay?" She asked, tears in her faint voice.

"She's fine, baby. I promise..." He said as he glanced back at the bassinet momentarily while he got up and poured water for her as she swallowed, her throat feeling so dry, she could barely get words out and was thankful when Elliot brought the straw to her lips. She drank until the water was almost gone and even then she only stopped because of coughing.

"Easy…" He said as he eased her back. She closed her eyes and grimaced from the pain in her abdomen.

"Why does it hurt like this?!" She asked in tears.

"You had surgery…but you're ok now." He told her for the fourth time but this time she actually seemed to be processing it.

"I had...why?"

"Honey, you fainted and you started to bleed. The doctor found placenta left inside you, it's why you had a fever and were so nauseous." He said with tears. Quietly she took her hand from his grasp and caressed his face.

"If you cry, who's gonna hold me up?"

"It's just moisture...a little humid in here!" He said holding her hand as close as he could, garnering a slight smile from her. "Don't ever scare me like that again...Serena and me, what would we do without you?"

"My baby...can I hold her?"

"I think she would like that!" He said before he got up and turned around, getting a sleeping Serena from her bassinet. She shifted when Elliot picked her up, stretching and kicking her blanket off in her sleep, making Elliot laugh as he cradled and kissed her before placing her in her mother's arms.

The second she was there, she gave a big yawn and immediately snuggled close to Olivia. Olivia kissing her head as she held her and Serena opened her eyes and looked at her, smiling.

"You slept straight through, didn't you, little one? I'm never gonna leave you, baby girl..." She said weakly and with her tears overflowing, but meaning every word. "I love you so much!" As she cried, Elliot watched her, tears in his own eyes and Olivia looked up from Serena for a second and settled on him. "...lot of humidity tonight."

He laughed, wiping his eyes. Just then, Serena began to turn her head towards Olivia, seeking a breast as she started to whine. "I think somebody's hungry."

"I don't know if I can."

"The doctor said it's fine as soon as you're awake and alert enough to hold her. I'm gonna go and call the kids, they made me promise to as soon as you were awake. Will you be okay?"

"I think so." She said as she fumbled with her gown.

"I'll send the nurse in." He said and planted a kiss to her forehead and left as she undid her gown and started to feed the baby.

"Okay little one, there you go." She said in a whisper as Serena hungrily latched on and began to feed. Olivia, feeling pain from the surgery closed her eyes and sighed deep from the discomfort.

* * *

**Two hours later, 11:49PM… **

"_That's it, baby, push for me; come on!" Elliot said, his tone empathetic but urgent. It was critical that Olivia get Serena out and he knew that they didn't have much time as Olivia sat forward and gave a push as hard as she could. "You're doing good; again!" _

"_I can't…" She cried._

"_What's the matter, trying to keep this baby to yerself? You can't hide from me slut!" Harlan said as he wiped Olivia's brow. Elliot had disappeared and he was pushing her legs open as he took Elliot's place between them. "You heard me; again, bitch!" Harlan shouted. She had a look of utter shock and confusion, knowing that she'd left him dead in the basement and yet here he was._

"_No...You're not here; I…oh god!" She cried, her agony unrelenting as she tried to get out of the car and escape Harlan._

"_Killed me?" He grinned. "I bet you thought you did!" The pain gripped Olivia and she couldn't move, as if she were stuck. Soon realizing that Bronwyn was at her back, holding her in place but she couldn't do anything but scream as Harlan tore the baby out of her and she lay bleeding as the baby began screaming._

"_A girl!?" Harlan yelled, disappointed. "he was supposed to be a boy you stupid whore!" He continued and slapped her with the back of his hand, leaving a bloody handprint across her face_

"_Harlan please...give me my baby!" She cried as he started to leave._

"_Don't worry bitch, I'll see you soon! Say goodbye to mommy!" He said to Serena "you and me, we gon have us a little fun!" _

"_Harlan!" She reached for Serena but Harlan kept her away._

"_That's the thing about nightmares sugar; they don't die!" He sneered and kissed her full on the mouth before he disappeared, leaving her alone and bleeding in the space of the car._

"No… Harlan please...give her to me!" She cried in her sleep, immediately waking Elliot. It wasn't a second before he rushed over to her and tried to wake her up.

"Liv...Liv, baby open your eyes, come on baby!" When she did, breathing heavily and staring at him, wide eyed, he touched her face to calm her and bring her out of it. "It's alright, it's just a dream!" He said as he kissed her face but she was startled and in tears and it took a moment to pull herself out of it.

"Serena…where is she?" she cried, looking around and frightened.

"She's right here, it's okay!" He told her as he got her to focus on the baby's bassinet where she peacefully slept inside. She painfully pulled herself up to a sitting position, thankful to see Serena lying by her bedside, safe. "See? She's fi-" But he didn't get to finish before she threw her arms around him and just cried.

* * *

It was a long night but Elliot stayed by her side, it killing him to see that after so many months and her coming so far, she was right back to where she started as far as the nightmares about Harlan. She tried to sleep in between Serena's feedings but she'd close her eyes and there he'd be, scaring the life out of her. Elliot had become so worried that he suggested calling Dr. Lindstrom.

"Liv…" He spoke softly to her as she fed the baby "maybe he can help you through this; you haven't slept all night and…"

"I just want to go home." She said in a dull tone, just above a whisper, obviously holding back tears.

"Liv"

"No, I just need to leave this place… I'll be better when I'm home." She was focused on Serena, never looking at Elliot and wondering now, more than ever if Harlan had fathered her child as she sat looking at Serena for some sign of him but she saw nothing.

"Liv hear me out...please."

"I can't do this right now. I can't focus anymore attention on him; I just can't. I can't sit and tell Dr. Lindstrom what I'm feeling and have him talk me through it because I don't know what I'm feeling!" While her tone was dead, her tears came fast. "He came back from the dead; he beat me and raped me again and tried to kill me and I'm still trying to deal with that and be strong for my daughter so no, I can't hear you out and I don't want you to call Lindstrom. I just wanna be left alone."

Elliot said nothing. Instead he walked out of the room, leaving Olivia there in tears that he just didn't know to wipe away but he did know one thing; this, all of this was hitting her harder than even _she_ knew and he wanted to help her, but how could he when she wouldn't let him?

...

As he reached the hallway, he took a deep breath before he ran his hands down his face, feeling at his wits end and he turned around, ready to punch the wall again when he saw Nick approaching.

"What are you doing here this early?" He greeted, more than a little happy to see him.

"Thought I'd stop by since I don't have to work until this afternoon. How's Liv doin? She awake?" Nick asked as he and Elliot gave a brief hug.

"Awake yeah, she's nursing Serena." Elliot said as he sat down. "We had a scare last night, she was rushed into surgery-"

"But she's okay? I mean-"

"She's fine, physically. Mentally, I'm afraid for her! She hasn't slept since she woke up from surgery; she can't, keeps seeing that bastard!" He said as he cracked his knuckles and stood up, wanting to hit something.

"I can't even begin to understand what she must be going through. To think that that puta was dead all these months just to have him come back-"

They both turned when they heard several footsteps coming towards them only to turn and see Agent Stanley Phillips with Agents Fennigan and Bradshaw and four policemen in tow.

What the hell?" Elliot approached them, already mad as hell with Nick following.

"Stabler; man I'm sor-" Fennigan started.

"Sergeant Benson, she in her room?" Phillips cut Fennigan off and asked Elliot.

"She's nursing her daughter."

"We'll wait."

"What the hell is this?"

"This is Sergeant Benson under arrest for the murder of Harlan Lewis!"

* * *

**Don't kill me! **


	56. He Had It Coming

**Chapter 56 picks up where 55 left off.**

* * *

.

"Under arrest?" Nick said shocked.

"Phillips, you take one step near that room and I'll break your legs!" Elliot said and he meant it.

"See, there you go again Stabler; I'm starting to think you have anger issues!" Phillips said with a grin, meaning to make Elliot feel small.

"Anger? Believe me, you haven't seen anger yet!" When Elliot got up in his face, the rest of the men knew that there was a chance that this wasn't to be so smooth and they jumped to separate the two.

"Sorry Stabler, but your fucktoy is a murderer, and she's going down...no pun intended!" Before his next thought could register, Elliot had crossed the small space left between them in the hall and slammed his fist into Phillips left cheek so hard that it sent the man quickly to the floor and Elliot didn't stop there. He jumped on Phillips, straddling him and punched him over and over.

"You fucking son of a bitch!" He said and kept punching in a fury. Nick, Fennigan and Bradshaw quickly swept in to break it up but it seemed like forever before they were able to pry him off, the policemen getting involved as well! It was then that Phillips was able to get a punch in, across Elliot's face but Elliot was like a madman and launched at Phillips so aggressively that when he almost broke free on his final attempt, Fennigan, Nick and Bradshaw had to pin him on the floor, face down while the police officers helped Phillips.

"Violence…" Phillips said, staggering and wiping his mouth of the blood that was pouring. "I see why you two clique!" He let out a laugh to push his point, but he was hurting.

"Stabler, we're gonna let you up..." Bradshaw said "you cool?"

"I'm alright, I'm alright!" Elliot said. The three of them slowly got up, taking their knees from Elliot's back and pulled him up.

"Sir, do you wanna press charges?" The cop asked Phillips. Bradshaw and Fennigan stood looking at Stanley.

"No!" Phillips said, just a love tap!" He was staring at Elliot who was looking through him.

"What charges? What could they possibly…" Elliot started, quickly cut off by Fennigan. Softly.

"She emptied a clip into him, Stabler. Shot him ten times!"

"And you think that's a reason for arrest? What that bastard did- look at her, she's lucky to have gotten out of there alive!"

"And if it were up to us this wouldn't be an issue"

"But it's not!" Phillips interjected "She used excessive force!"

"Excessive force? Are you high? That woman is sitting in there covered in bruises, she almost died twice because that bastard ruptured her pla-"

"Save it for somebody who cares! I'm arresting her and I got the go ahead from the guys upstairs to do it. Now, how about you play nice and see if she's done breastfeeding. Time is money!" but Elliot again took the moment to get in his face.

"I get it; perturbed because she called you out yesterday? Or because Agent Austin shut you up when you were trying to play big man?" Phillips stood there, feeling embarrassed but damn if he would let it show and instead he shifted to his comment.

"You checking your girlfriend or should I?" Elliot looked at him and just laughed.

"This isn't over!" Elliot said before he walked off to Olivia's room.

"How's he gonna tell her this?" Nick said to nobody in particular, upset beyond words as he took out his phone to dial Fin.

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me? My god Fin!" Amanda said, sounding a lot happier. "Is she alright?"

"She's fine, and I didn't tell you because you're goin through so much yourself, but then I thought that maybe you could use some good news."

"A little girl...Oh I bet she's beautiful! What about Liv? Is she okay after...I can't believe he wasn't dead all this time; god, how is she coping?"

"She'll be alright." Fin said the only thing he could. "She's got Elliot and a brand new baby to think about; it'll be hard but she'll get through it." Amanda nodded, feeling so overwhelmed that she started to cry. "Hey, come on, it's alright!" He said, putting his arm around her and she immediately turned to him leaning against his chest as she cried.

"I know… It just adds to what I'm already feeling!"

"Feeling? Somethin you wanna share?"

"Fin, I'm pregnant!" She said, laughing through her tears.

"Amanda!" Fin said, shock and he guessed happiness before simply pulled her closer and held her tight. He'd already decided, after talking to Nick that he'd destroy the diary and the phone. Darrell did what he did, and although Fin wished that he'd handled it differently, he did it, Darrell thought with good intentions. He was never going to help Bronwyn; he'd had all the time in the world and just kept putting her off. Fin decided to let sleeping dogs lie. Darrell was gone and all he had left was a grieving wife and mother who loved him. Fin wouldn't let this eclipse that.

When Darrell's funeral came in a few days and when that baby would be born a few months from now, he'd leave Amanda with good memories to hold onto, she was grieving enough.

...

"Where the hell are you Fin?" Amaro said as he hung up the phone then shot Fin a text. "You need to be here!"

* * *

In Olivia's room, she lay on her side feeding Serena, when her mind became plagued with thoughts, going back as far as Harris years ago.

_"Oh, we're way past apologies now. Now shut up, and do what you're told!"_

_"No don't… What do you want?" _

"_What every guy wants...and you're going to give it to me!"_

_"Get off me… Help!"  
_

"_Yeah."  
_

"_Help! Heellpp!"_

_"Keep screaming… No one can hear you…"  
_

"_Please don't!" She begged. Until this moment, she'd never begged for anything but here and now; she couldn't allow this, she couldn't be raped, here, in this basement, by this pathetic excuse for a man and if begging was her only recourse, she'd do it even though it seemingly fell on deaf ears.  
_

"_I'm going to take my time with you!"  
_

"_Please don't!"_

_Suddenly the prison had disappeared and she was in the granary with Billy standing in front of her, her hands cuffed behind her back and she was absolutely trembling inside! "...it's your choice now...and I have you both so...I can do you, let her watch...or I can cut her down, do her, let you watch...I'm fine either way!"_

_Without a second thought to her own safety or concern, there she was, bent over that table there in the granary while Billy worked her. Sick at the feel of his hands, his mouth on her; the feeling of his fingers on her most intimate parts made her stomach turn and she gripped the table even harder while praying for it to end. She wept silently, not being able to cry; she couldn't although she wanted to; not with Amelia there, she would not let the child see her be broken down further by this man and she wished she was anywhere but here as he shocked her, painfully penetrating her with his thick fingers, shoving three inside her and thrusting hard and rough while he continued to manipulate her clit. She thought she would split in half from the intrusion, no amount of stimulation could make this bearable but she dealt with it and simply disassociated herself from the brutal taking. When he saw that she wouldn't give him the satisfaction of a reaction, he stopped his thrusting and rested his fingers on her clit._

"_That's it? That's how you gonna get me off?" He whispered as he bit her ear, remaining inside her but stroking her, trying to get some feeling; some response. "You just gonna stand there, play possum?" When he realized that she wouldn't respond, he quickly pulled out._

"_Alright! You know what?" He teased as he made his way around the table and undid one of her hands as her pulled a gun. "New game. My rules, not yours...this is gonna be more fun!" He emptied the revolver of one of his guns…they were going to play Russian Roulette! She looked on feeling sicker, wanting to scream at the madness that she and Amelia were trapped in._

"_...death is not something to be afraid of, Olivia!"_

_And her thoughts lead her to that room where she spent three miserable months being abused worse than she ever thought possible! William had learned from this man and his father taught him well!_

"_I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please! I won't do it again, I won't…!" She begged, as Harlan had the wire cutters about to rip her leg open!_

"_You know the rules Olivia. Now, you won't me to cut up, or cut down?" He grinned, holding the cutters._

"_Please don't Harlan please; I'll do whatever you want!" She couldn't get her words out from crying so hard, snot running from her nose as the cutters came closer and being restrained to the bed, she couldn't get away._

"_Don't worry baby...it won't hurt but a lot!"_

She had seemed lost in her thoughts when she suddenly looked down and was reminded that she had a fresh start. That in spite of what she'd been through, she had something, some_one_ to live for and she stoked Serena's hair and cheek gently.

"You'll never go through what I've been through." Olivia said softly to her with tears in her eyes. She was falling asleep at Olivia's breast but still, she responded to her touch and smiled as she drank. "You won't ever know…" When she heard the door to her room open, she looked up from the baby for a moment and saw Elliot as he stepped inside and stood there, the two of them staring at each other. It was just a few seconds before he broke the silence; uncomfortably, and wishing that these last 10 minutes didn't exist.

"Liv…"

"I'm sorry." She cried, she felt that she'd hurt him with her last words, although right now, they were the furthest thing from his mind.

"Don't be" he said as he walked over to her bed.

"You're too understanding, and I don't always deserve it." She looked away, using her finger to break Serena's latch and allowed her to continue sleeping on the bed beneath her while she fixed herself and tried to tie her gown, though painfully as even the slightest move right now was a great discomfort; thankful when Elliot reached over to do it for her.

"Here, let me."

"See what I mean?" He smiled as he tied her gown, after which, he picked up Serena, gently so as not to wake her, his large hand across her stomach, lingering there as he looked down at her before he looked at Olivia.

"Liv, I don't want you to say anything!" His face was stern, a warning in his voice and a hint of confusion shot across her features, mainly her eyes. She was tired, sleepy and in pain so she thought that it attributed to her not understanding but she was lost.

"I don't understand; what are you…?" She asked, softly lifting Serena from Elliot's arms and adjusting the baby's blanket.

"The FBI is here..."

"Here? I don't...why? They said they were finished; that they were done. Do they have more questions? I already told them everything, I…"

"Baby, listen to me…" He said as he took her hand, looking into her eyes. He had started to tell her the reality of the situation when suddenly the door burst open and in walked Agent Phillips, looking smug in spite of his split lip and terribly bruised cheek. He was using his handkerchief to absorb the blood that wouldn't stop from his mouth that Elliot had hammered, but even then he took too much joy in what he was about to do.

"Don't do this, Phillips!" Elliot begged as Olivia turned around and sat up partially.

"Sorry, but orders are orders. Sergeant Benson, you are under arrest!" Olivia, looked to Elliot with sheer shock and confusion on her face and then down at Serena before looking back at Elliot and finally turned to Phillips.

"Arrest? I don't understand; what did I do?"

"Does putting ten bullet holes in Harlan Lewis ring a bell?" Phillips asked snidely.

"Olivia, don't say a word!"

"It was self defense"

"Self defense? I see; self defense and you emptied an entire clip into a man? Your hand please." He asked as he took out his handcuffs. When Olivia looked at them, shining in his hand, a deep fear overtook her.

"You can't-"

"Elliot…!" She said before turning back to Phillips. "Look, please, don't okay? You don't have to put the cuffs on me, I'm not going… please don't!" She cried, trying to blink back tears but she couldn't. All she could see was those cuffs; and a reminder of the things that were done to her while she'd been subdued.

"Fine. You have the right to remain silent, if you give up that right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law."

"I know my rights"

"Then you won't mind me going over them to be safe. You have the right to an attorney, if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights?"

"Are you done?"

"I'm putting a police escort outside your door, don't try anything or I will be forced to o cuff you to this bed until you're released, we clear?" She looked at him defiantly, the sheer joy on his face and she swallowed her fear, deciding not to give him the satisfaction and she spoke up.

"Are you done?" She said again in a voice that was much braver than she felt and bigger as she held her daughter, gently rocking her so she wouldn't wake up.

"For now"

"Good. Get the hell out of my room!" She said, Elliot staring him down as if he'd kill him. As he started to go, Phillips turned to the officer he'd brought into the room with him.

"You stand outside this door and you are not to leave until your relief shows up, is that understood?"

"Yes sir, Agent Phillips!" The officer said, looking back at Olivia with genuine sorrow on his face as he and Phillips left the room, as soon as they did, Olivia turned to Elliot and broke.

"How can they do this? They can't just…"

"Look at me" Elliot said, caressing her face "do you trust me?" When she nodded yes, it was all he needed. "Then trust me when I say that I will fix this, okay? I will fix this!" And he pulled her into his arms.

* * *

And over at Olivia's lawyer's office, Carolyn was dreading having to make a phone call to Olivia, deciding that perhaps it would be best to drive out to Nassau and give her the news in person.

Joanie had wasted no time getting the ball rolling, filing her custody suit early this morning and asking the judge for full custody of the baby, citing Olivia as having physical, mental and emotional distress and therefore being unable to properly care for a needy infant.

God, she hated her job on days like this!

* * *

**I know, I'll sort it out. Trust me...or better yet, don't, I can be a little rotten! **


	57. There Has To Be Some Light, Somewhere!

**Chapter 57. Dick Wolf owns.**

* * *

.

He had promised Olivia that he wouldn't let anyone cause her pain again and he was failing miserably at keeping that promise. If all that had happened in just the last four days wasn't proof of that, to top it off, she was now under arrest for defending herself against Harlan. Against a man who spent months terrorizing her and letting others terrorize her. A man thought to be dead but in reality, he was just lying in the wait for his chance to traumatize her all over again and like a blind fool, Elliot let it happen!

He'd sat with her for the longest time after Phillips left; she was a mess, understandably so but he'd done all he could to convince her that he would fix this; now it was time to do it!

Luckily, his time at the FBI had put him in contact with some pretty high ups, it was just a matter of reaching them and making them see, like Agent Austin did, that this was simply a matter of self defense and it needs no prosecution.

"Listen, I need to speak with Summers, it's very important… Yes, could you please have him call me the minute he's available? Yes, Agent Stabler, he has the number." He said and returned the phone to his back pocket.

_Damn you Phillips!_

* * *

He'd gotten her! Not only had he got her, but when the bureau chief took a look at this case, he was sure to be fast tracked for a promotion. He wondered how much he'd be heralded; probably get to play golf with the big guys. Besides, who did that bitch think she was? Women like her, they needed to be knocked down a peg or five in his opinion.

_Not fit to lick my boot and she gives 'me' lip? _He thought. _I would have loved to knock that ass around, I bet she'd straighten up then! _And he smiled, snidely and self assuring. "Boy, Lewis sure did a number on her!" He then said to himself under his breath and continued with a grin.

"Where've you been?" Agent Austin asked as he came into the bullpen, surprised to see Agent Phillips since he'd practically disappeared this morning.

"I was taking care of some business!" Phillips smiled, and all too smugly for Austin's taste. But Phillips didn't care and why should he? He was about to get a promotion while Austin… Well Austin would be stuck doing Austin he thought.

* * *

Downstairs, Carolyn had just gotten her visitors pass to see Olivia when she headed for the elevators, catching one right as it was about to close.

"Hold it!" She yelled, just in time for Nick to put his hands between the doors, causing them to open and Carolyn to slip through.

"My fault." Nick offered his apology.

"No, you're good. Thanks, by the way!" She smiled, liking what she saw in Nick. She'd always had a thing for the not-so-smooth-around-the-edges, undercover bad boy type, and Nick looked just right.

"You're welcome." He said and kept his eyes forward, except for the split second that he took to steal a peek at her. Tall, brunette, curves in all the right places and legs for days. He could almost picture those legs on his shoulders while he…

"I'm Carolyn… Jeris." She said, extending her hand.

"Nick Amaro."

"Amaro, where have I heard that name before?" She wondered.

"I really can't say, I'm a cop so…"

"That's right, you're a cop! The Carmichael case… I read about it." She said then took on a more somber tone. "I heard about the cop in your unit getting killed; I'm sorry."

"Thanks." He said as the doors opened. "After you." She smiled again, thinking what a gentleman he was as she walked out of the car with him behind her.

"It's good that they caught the guy though, at least some justice can come from this." He gave a simple smirk and she noticed as they walked down the hall that he seemed to be going the same direction as she and got disheartened. "Your wife?" She asked, hoping that he would say no and when he laughed, she knew.

"Uh no, good friend."

"I see" she said, feeling a bit foolish but she stopped anyway. "So, if I were to give you my phone number, would you use it?"

"Would you want me to?" He asked, coyly and when she smiled for the third time, and let off a little laugh she knew that A) she was hooked and, B) this guy would be getting sex in the very, very near future. Very.

"Call me sometime!" She said as she gave him her card and walked off. He stood for a moment watching her go, looking at the print of her ass through the pantsuit she wore, the way it stood even more proudly with the high heels she was wearing and he had to collect himself.

"Lucky Nick!" She heard him and had to fight the grin that wanted so desperately to pull at her features, leaving Nick at the nurses station, stopped by a phone call. "Amaro…"

...

"Everything looks good, her scar is healing nicely. Just see to it that she keeps the strain off it and she should be fine in no time."

"Easier said than done! Doc, I know she's itching to leave this place, when will I be able to take her home?"

"Tell you what, we'll see how she's doing tomorrow and we'll discuss it. In the meantime, see that she gets some rest; you too!" She said then left. Elliot sat back and a few seconds later, someone knocked at the door.

"Come in." He called in a not so loud voice so he wouldn't wake the baby and was surprised to see Carolyn. "Hey, I didn't know you were coming by."

"I thought I'd take a trip." She said, putting her coat and briefcase down in the empty chair by the couch. "Is she…?"

"Bathroom. Did she call you? I didn't…"

"Uh no...I should probably wait for her." She said. So, anything you wanna tell me? Why is there a cop standing outside her door?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Noted. So is this her?" She said, standing over the bassinet with the sleeping baby with a huge smile on her face.

"It is. Meet Serena; no middle name yet." Elliot said proudly. Serena may not have been his biologically but he loved her just like she was and it showed in everything he did.

"She's gorgeous! Hello little angel!" She said ever so softly to Serena so she wouldn't wake her. Just then, Nick entered the room with a knock.

"Everybody decent?" He asked.

"Come on in Nick." Elliot said as Nick entered, surprised to see Carolyn there.

"You two know each other?" Nick said as he entered.

"Uh yeah, this is Olivia's lawyer for the paternity issue. Carolyn Jeris, this is…"

"We met in the elevator." Nick said, while he stared at her. She was beautiful, almost as beautiful as Olivia he thought, but definitely beautiful with her big brown eyes. "I gotta go, emergency but tell Liv I'll see her later." He said, copping a look and wink at Carolyn that Elliot missed; or so he thought before he left just as Olivia came out of the bathroom and Elliot rushed to help her.

"I got you!" Elliot assured her as she walked, painfully over toward bassinet that was by her bed, leaning on him for support.

"If this is what a c-section feels like, no thanks!" She said as she reached her bed and sat on it, checking Serena when she noticed her lawyer standing in the room. "Carolyn"

"I hope I'm not disturbing you." She said softly.

"No it's fine, I'm sorry, I'm not at my best right now..." Olivia said as Serena started to stir and she quickly soothed her back to sleep with her pacifier.

"She's a beauty!"

"Thank you, but, Carolyn; what are you doing here?"

"It's about the paternity test."

"The pa- oh god; the court date was yesterday. I've just been so preoccupied..."

"It's okay. Can we talk privately?" Hearing those words, Olivia got scared and immediately looked to Elliot.

"I don't; I'd rather he stay if that's okay?"

"Are you sure?" She simply nodded and he stopped to kiss her head while it was cupped gently between both his large hands.

"It's alright babe, whatever she tells you, we're okay!" Olivia tried to be strong but, one look at Carolyn and she lost it.

"She's his isn't she? Harlan's her father!" She said looking over at Serena, sleeping so peacefully in her bassinet. Olivia tried hard to stop her tears but they wouldn't relent and just rolled down her face. _God Serena!_ She wasn't aware of any of the mess going on around her and Olivia wished that she herself could be so innocent because right now, she just wanted to take herself, Elliot and her daughter and just lock them all in a cocoon.

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Olivia…"

"It's okay." She said quietly and in tears; more reserved than she felt. "I always knew she-"

"Olivia; she's Brian's." Carolyn said, stunning both Olivia and Elliot!

"She's-" She said and looked at Serena and then Elliot with shock on her face before she dropped her head and began openly sobbing.

* * *

The only thing worse than the predicament that Brian was in was Joanie not allowing Olivia to see him, especially now. Olivia didn't know just how bad he had gotten but to hear Joanie tell it, he'd be fine.

"Oh look" She said to him, reading from the latest tabloid. _"Kim Kardashian and that Kanye are getting divorced!"" _She said to him. "Apparently, _"she's pregnant with President Obama's triplets" _and _"Michelle has no idea!" _Good lord! What kind of mess?!" She sighed and fingered Brian's hair at his forehead.

"It's gotten so long." She said of his hair. "...just like when you were little." A slight, sad laugh escaped her before she continued to rake it through it with her fingers. "I know you always hated it long but I won't cut it until you wake up...I know you'll wake up" she said, her voice dropping. "You have to, you're all I have left!" then just as quickly, she thought of the baby and smiled.

"I already had her lawyer served…" Joanie said as she sat by Brian's bedside. "Of course, I haven't seen the baby yet but I know she's beautiful… I just… Why couldn't you find a nice girl to settle down with? That Amanda, she could've been the one for you, you know. But it's not too late, once you're awake, and you have your daughter maybe you and she can raise her. She'd be a hell of a better mother than the slut she has!"

* * *

She'd been on her knees now, back and forth for the last fifteen minutes throwing up over and over again and she felt like dying as yet another mouthful gushed out of her and into the toilet.

"Damn you, Darrell!" She said, gasping through her tears. She felt like she was tossing up her insides as the vomit fell from her lips. She finally knew that she was finished and fell back against the wall with her hand to her stomach, too weak to move as she shut the lid of the bowl and flushed.

"Amanda, are you alright?" Darrell's mom asked from the other side of the door.

"I'm fine, Eugenia!" Amanda answered weakly as she dry heaved then felt another gush coming though she tried to fight it but it was no use and she was quickly on her knees, tossing the lid up in just enough time.

Worried when she heard her retching through the door, Eugenia right away came into the bathroom to see Amanda hunched over the toilet and spilling her guts.

"Oh… Amanda!" She said as she got down and held her hair back, stroking her forehead. "It's alright, let it out!" She spoke softly in her motherly tone. Even with Darrell being gone and her heart breaking, she still found the time to be so caring to Amanda. When she was finished, Eugenia shut the lid and helped her to sit down.

"I can't do this!" Amanda cried.

"You can't do what?" Eugenia asked, blotting Amanda's face with a cool cloth. "Honey, what is it?"

"I- I'm pregnant!" Amanda said as her tears fell and I don't know if I can do it without Darrell!"

* * *

"Do you know what you're gonna do?" Elliot asked Olivia as she sat feeding the baby. It had been a few hours since Carolyn had told her the news and Olivia seemed melancholy instead of what he would have imagined as happy at hearing the news.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, now that you know Brian's her father."

"I always thought that Harlan…" She tried again to stop her tears to no avail. "I didn't give birth to a monsters child, she's free of him El!" She cried quietly as she looked down at Serena and stroked her face.

"She always was Liv, your love would've made sure of it!" He said, watching them as Olivia's tears continued.

"Her middle name should be Cassidy." She said. A thought crossing her mind.

_"Bronwyn she's your sister- oh god! I'm begging you...for her; PLEASE!"_

"I think he'd like that. But you know, you could have his mother to sign..."

"No, I don't want woman anywhere near my child!" She said calmly. Elliot smiled inside, feeling so wrong for being happy that Serena wouldn't have Brian's last name. He was worried that if she did Olivia maybe wouldn't want to change it one day when they got married- and there he was again, thinking too far in the future. But when he looked at them he couldn't see anything else; Olivia and Serena were it. He already loved her like she was his own and even now that they knew Brian was her father and Olivia would undoubtedly want Serena to know about him, the fact of the matter was, she was Elliot's little girl and he would raise her and love her just as he'd done Maureen, Kathleen, Richard and Elizabeth; even Eli.

"I just keep thinking about the custody suit… What if Carolyn can't win? With everything that's going on, Elliot I can't lose Serena, she's my baby; she needs me just as much as I need her!"

"Look at me; you are not going to lose her, okay? You put that out of your mind, just like I want you to put the arrest out of your mind. I promise you, nobody is gonna separate you two!" He kissed her "Nobody will separate us three!" He said as he held Serena's little foot and kissed Olivia's nose before he claimed her lips in a quick but sweet kiss to which she almost smiled. A brief moment passing before she spoke.

"El, can you do something for me?"

"Anything."

"I need to see Bronwyn."

* * *

**Probably like 3 more chapters and it's a wrap! In the meantime, how about a review?**


	58. Down, But Not Out

**Back with chapter 58, sorry for the wait.**

* * *

.

"Hey, where the hell were you yesterday, I was trying to call you. Nick said to Fin as he arrived at the crime scene.

"I got held up at Amanda's and then there was a victim that I had to meet up with at Barba's. I saw you called, I just didn't have a minute to get back to you, everything alright? It's not Liv is it? I went by a little while ago, she seems to be dealin."

"Things are so out of control, but no. She's holding on in spite of everything. I tell you, that is one strong woman!"

"That she is! Dealin with this arrest on top of everything else...at least she got the good news about Serena to fall back on!"

"Yeah, good news only if Mrs. Cassidy doesn't snatch Serena away. What the hell is wrong with that woman?"

"Grief and plain old bitchiness! But I know you, you didn't try to call me more than once to tell me this, had to be another reason; spill it."

"I got a date!" He said, smiling as he and Fin put on gloves so they wouldn't contaminate the scene.

"If your talking about her, she must be somebody more serious than the usual chicks you run through, so who is it?" He asked as they went under the police tape that cordoned off the ragged, old playground that was being torn down, and where a naked man and woman were found tied to the broken down monkey bars with burns all over their body.

"Her name's Carolyn- I'll fill you in later. What do we got here?" He asked the officers.

* * *

"Hold on..." Joanie said to whomever she was talking to on the phone and muted the device before turning around to address the painter. "On second thought, I want the walls mint green with a peppermint-pink and white border, can you do that? Oh, and maybe some carousels painted on as a backsplash?" Joanie said as she went over the plans for the baby's room. She had to get it ready, the baby would be with her soon, she thought and there was zero time to waste.

"Anything you want as long as you're payin!" The painter said. "How bout we do a mural wit her name in real big letters, like, I don't know, birds can be holdin ribbon or somethin?" Although Lou meant nothing by it, that comment left Joanie feeling some kind of way. She didn't know her own grand daughter's name she suddenly realized and that made her even more angry at Olivia.

"Well, I don't actually; you know what?" She said, trying to save face. "Let me think about that and I'll get back to you. But in the meantime you go ahead and do what we discussed and I'll get back to you."

"Whateva you say!" He decided and went back to work while Joanie returned to her phone call.

"James? Now, about the carpet…"

* * *

"I know you wanted to see her, but they say she's just too fragile, Liv, they're not letting anyone in. I'm sorry, but I tried."

Olivia lay there in her bed, halfway sitting up and nursing Serena, half listening to Elliot. She was just so exhausted! She'd tried time and time again to get some sleep but time and time again she was haunted by Harlan and real dreams of last Summer in that house. Dreams from just days ago in Bronwyn's house and they scared her to death! Now as she fed Serena, she was sleepy and cranky, and half in, half out of sleep with so much on her mind. "_She's _fragile?!" She thought.

"Liv, did you hear me?" He asked. He was so worried about her. It seemed like each day, something new had been piled on her; the rape and Harlan's murder, the arrest, and now the custody suit. It should have been a joyous occasion, her finding out that Brian is Serena's father but with his mother trying to take her away... Hell, who's he kidding? She'd be in the exact same boat if Brian were awake.

"I heard you." She said, listlessly. "El, I'm a good mother to Serena; I mean, the judge will think so, right? ...unless I'm in jail by the time I leave here, then he or she won't need convincing. Joanie will just walk away with my child."

"Liv honey, you gotta stop thinking that way! You have been the best mother to this child for months before she even got here. And in just the few days she has been here you've been incredible in spite of all you've had to deal with."

"They can't take her away from me El." She said as she looked down at her daughter who had finished feeding and was fast asleep. "I'm her mother and I love her; that has to count for something!"

"It does Liv, it counts for more than you know." And he kissed her head while she took Serena from her breast and kissed her, letting her relax on her chest.

"El?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you lay with me? I still can't close my eyes without…"

"I think sleep is exactly what we need." He said and got in bed with her, putting his arm around her and she quickly cuddled against him with Serena in her arms. "I don't want you to worry, I promise you, it's gonna be alright!"

Except he wasn't sure if he believed it.

* * *

Friday arrived and the doctor finally cleared Olivia to go home but with the arrest, she wasn't allowed to leave until Phillips sorted out her transport issues. He wanted her to be taken directly to the tombs until Monday when she would see a judge and be arraigned and hopefully denied bail and he had been hanging around the hospital all morning, hoping to achieve just that but he had been having problems getting it done.

Elliot meanwhile was on the phone calling his attorney and trying desperately to keep away from Stanley Phillips while Olivia sat in her room, she and the baby ready to go and just thinking about everything. She still hadn't been able to see Bronwyn, save for the window outside of her room but when suddenly she died from her injuries, Olivia couldn't help but feel somewhat happy. All the hell that woman put her through starting with William, she was glad to see her go and felt it was another horrible chapter closed that someday her baby wouldn't have to live through. As she watched Serena, one of the rare times she was awake, she smiled at her as Serena looked up at her.

"We're finally going home today and momma's so happy! I just pray that with all that's happening, this isn't the end of us baby girl; I feel like even if one problem is solved, the other is still up in the air and I don't know what I'd do if I were ever separated from you!"

Elliot told her that he'd take care of the arrest and that she shouldn't worry but here it was, Friday morning, Phillips was outside just waiting to instruct them to lock her up and she'd have to appear in court next week to be arraigned and still nothing. She was starting to think that maybe she should be worried.

"He said he'd handle it, trust him." Sealview said, sitting in the chair opposite her.

"Why are you here?" Olivia said, holding her little one and rocking her to sleep but Serena started to fuss, wanting milk instead of sleep.

"That's a nice way to greet yourself! God we did good with her didn't we? She's absolutely beautiful!" She smiled as Olivia began undoing the buttons on her blouse.

"I think so" Olivia smiled, still looking down at Serena. "What are you doing here?" She asked Sealview.

"Just wanted to remind you" Beach House said when she suddenly appeared. "Who ever thought that Brian would make such a gorgeous baby?! Anyway, have faith in El, he'll come through, he always does!"

"What if he doesn't?" Olivia asked, undoing her bra and feeding Serena. "What if he can't"

"Like we said, have faith!" Beach house said.

"Have faith? I'm sitting here conversing with two of my past selves; sometimes I wonder just how sane I am."

"Oh relax, you're perfectly sane!" Sealview told her. "Remember, we came out of need because you would have cracked up all those months in that house if we wouldn't have; now we're just here here to remind you of the important stuff when you let yourself get in the way!"

"Is that what I'm doing?"

"It is indeed. Now relax, nurse our baby and let El handle this." Beach house said. "He'll come though!"

* * *

Outside, Phillips had gone off to make calls while Elliot stood outside of Olivia's room, talking to the guard after getting off the phone with his lawyer.

"If it's any consolation, I'm really sorry about all of this!" The young man said with sadness in his eyes. He didn't want to be a part of this but what could he do with Phillips being his superior?

"It's okay Anderson, I don't blame you. You're just following directions." He said as his phone rang and he looked at the display to see that it was a restricted number. "Excuse me, I need to take this. Stabler!"

"Special Agent Stabler, I have Assistant Director Summers for you, please hold!" The man's voice said and Elliot's heart leapt in his chest to his throat and settled down before he was connected with the assistant director.

"Elliot, first let me apologize for the wait." A.D. Summers atoned. "I'd make small talk but I have the feeling that it's urgent so I won't make you wait any longer. What can I do for you?"

"I'm sure you've heard about Harlan Lewis." Elliot started, he had a lot to tell the man!

* * *

"I always did hate goin to these funerals!" Fin said as he put on the jacket to his uniform.

"Tell me about it. Kinda makes you think about your own mortality. Nick said just as Murphy came out of his office, dressed in his blues just a Fin and Nick were, to attend Darrell's funeral.

"Lieutenant." Fin greeted.

"Seems like we just got him and now we're burying him!" Murphy said sadly. "I wish we had time to get to know him better but we gave to be strong for Rollins.

"Speaking of, we'd better get going Nick, she's waiting on us. I'll see you there." He told Murphy then he and Nick left.

* * *

At the hospital, Phillips was heading back to Olivia's room, and on cloud 9! He'd gotten a case that would bring headlines and he'd be taking that bitch down in the process, life couldn't be better as far as he was concerned!

He thought of everything that had transpired over the last several months, Harlan's capture and eventual "death" in Pennsylvania, he would have tried to take action then but it was too risky. He was supposed to be in Harlan's, well back then, he knew the man as Lucius' and he was to be part of the third group.

He had spent weeks traveling to Pennsylvania, all under a cloud of secrecy. Meeting with Holmes and Doc and working out the details. He was a newbie to this and they had to be sure about him before they took him in. Finally when they learned they could, he was supposed to be the next. The woman-hating, psycho, son of a bitch was just weeks away from his dream. Sure, he'd raped women before Olivia and then he'd have to go through the process of reminding them that he could get to them no matter where they ran; in some cases, kill them. But this, this was what he'd waited for; him and eleven other men, using this bitch all night long until it couldn't take anymore; he'd dreamed of it, counted down to it and the bitch had to ruin it, killing Harlan and escaping before it could happen and jeopardizing everything and since he didn't know back then if he was in any way implicated so he opted instead to take a loss and sit it out.

He remembered when he heard that most of the men involved had been caught; the majority of them settled for plea bargains. _Chumps_. He thought. He would have been proud to do that slit; no backtracking and saying_ I'm sorry_ like a whiney bitch! The way he figured, if you did a whore and got caught, (though, praise God, he hadn't been yet) own it! Look that slut right in the eye while looking the judge in the eye and let it be known that for that point in time, you owned that bitch!

But to find out that Harlan had in fact lived and it; _Olivia_ had killed him...really killed him, well that was just too much for Phillips and there had to be consequences while he made it look like he was just doing his duty as a law enforcement agent; _rancid bitch! _"I'll fuck you one way or the other!" He mumbled to himself as his phone rang and he was suddenly brought out of his blaming reverie. "Agent Phillips… Yes, A.D. Summers, hello sir." _This is it, he's gonna promote me! _He thought to himself, so full of excitement, he could barely keep it together. "Well sir, I happen to be at Southampton right now, I'm waiting to take her in!" He said proudly, with his chest puffed out.

"Tell me something Phillips, what made you think that the bureau would be interested in arresting Sergeant Benson for Harlan Lewis' murder?"

"Sir?"

"I was just in a meeting with your bosses and the Director after I was done talking to Special Agent Stabler."

"You…" His face began to crumble. He'd lied to Elliot when he said he'd had permission from the people upstairs, right now being on the phone with the people upstairs and he was scared to death.

"I was. And we, after I talked to Special Agent Stabler and got your bosses together, along with the director, well we just can't fathom what would make you think that Sergeant Benson's arrest is something that we would even be remotely interested in pushing for!" A.D. Summers said in a firm tone, obviously angry.

"I- I just assumed-"

"Harlan Lewis evaded us twice over 20 years, both times by faking his death!"

"Yes, I…"

"...and you really thought that highlighting his actual death after he'd caused so much destruction, after he'd kidnapped and raped Sergeant Benson yet again and she killed him defending her unborn child…"

"I thought…"

"A child whom she was about to give birth to at any minute; you choose that case?"

"Well see, I…"

"And _after_ Agent Austin had taken her statement and basically cleared her of any wrongdoing. This is the case that you chose to pursue? A case that we'd pretty much closed?"

"Sir...if you'll allow me to explain, I know what you're thinking, and I just-"

"Oh you have no idea what I'm thinking, but you will! I want you in my office yesterday and don't make the mistake of keeping me waiting!" And just that fast, he hung up leaving Phillips in a state of sheer terror.

"Maybe you should save it for somebody that gives a damn!" Elliot said laughing. "Chop chop Phillips, time is money!"

* * *

Of all the things that she could've done with her life; up until she was fifteen, her mother was sure that she would have been a prima ballerina and it wasn't just a case of momma wishing that her daughter had more talent than she actually did. No, Olivia had a true gift for dance and had three of the finest ballet academy's competing for her. But then one night, while trying to put Serena to bed, Olivia took a misstep and Serena ended up falling down on her and broke her leg! While she was healing, Olivia decided that she was somewhat relieved. Of course Serena felt horrible for what had happened but Olivia, she didn't really want to dance in the first place, she did it to make her mother happy all those years and was ecstatic that she couldn't dance those nine weeks, feigning difficulty once she was healed and eventually her mother just let the whole thing go.

After the ballet dream was over, Serena tried to get her to follow her lead into English studies but between running the school newspaper and being class president, plus homecoming queen, Olivia had too many roads to choose from and English just wasn't one of those roads. After a lot of thinking, she'd decided early in her senior year that she would devote herself to law enforcement. She had the grades and the smarts and parlayed that into a full scholarship to college; from there, she got herself into law school where she planned to specialize in rape crimes, much to her mother's appreciation but then right before graduation, something called to her and she decided that she would still dedicate herself to law enforcement, but she wanted to be on the other side of it. And as soon as she graduated with her law degree, Olivia went to the police academy where she graduated top of the class and got her detective's shield after only two years on the force.

Sufficed to say, Serena wasn't very pleased and constantly begged Olivia to get out of the department but Olivia felt as if this was her calling and when she got into the Special Victim's Unit, she knew that she would truly make a difference, and she did. Sixteen years in that unit and she'd helped so many victims, feeling a personal connection to each case. Her mom had been a rape victim, she, the product of the attack and she guessed it was what made her work twice as hard as anyone else to bring justice to every case. That was, until her world began to be turned upside down!

She thought that when she encountered Lowell Harris, that would be the most terrifying thing that ever happened to her but then she met William Lewis and then a year later, his father. And as much as the son turned her life upside down, it was the father that made her question everything she thought she knew and actually wish that she had never become a cop! The things he did to her were truly horrific, what he allowed his friends to do to her; why didn't she listen to her mother and just get out of the madness that was police work? She would have been successful at anything she set her mind to so why this? She could have been happy as an English professor or a lawyer or even a senator, and most importantly, she never would have met William, or Harlan Lewis. Looking at her own daughter, she understood exactly what her mother meant. She would literally rather jump off a cliff than to see her baby grow up and head into a career such as this, one that can only bring her heartache.

"Home at last!" She heard Elliot say and looked out her window of the SUV, after four days in the hospital, she'd finally come home. It was sunny in spite of the snow that was piled around the sidewalks but when she looked up and saw it, their home, she suddenly felt safer and gave a smile at seeing it as he parked there in front.

"Look Serena, we're home baby!" She whispered to her daughter who had just woken. Since Carolyn told her the news even in spite of the other part shadowing it, she felt hopeful. The arrest was finally something she could put behind her and that made all the difference in the world.

"You okay?" Elliot asked as he came around to the back seat, again interrupting her thoughts.

"I'm better now." She said, truthfully. Even in spite of the FBI leading and followed them home to see to it that they got there safely as a favor from the director.

"Come on, let's get you two inside!" He said, deciding to ignore the horse and pony show and try to enjoy Olivia's homecoming.

* * *

They hadn't been there long when Serena needed to be fed and Olivia immediately went to it, sitting down on the pillowy loveseat in her room. _God, it felt so good to be home!_ She thought, enjoying the quiet as Serena nursed when suddenly, her mind drifted again.

_She'd woken up in the middle of the night feeling terribly sick and found herself with her head in the toilet heaving violently as her stomach contents gushed forth. She'd thrown up three times before she dragged herself back to bed, feeling somewhat better but at the crack of dawn she felt even worse and the vomiting was more severe and her mind began racing, this wasn't like when she thought she might have been a couple months ago based on nothing more than a late period; this time, along with the late period, her breasts were sore, she was tired all the time and now the vomiting. She didn't need a test to confirm what she already knew but was in denial about…_

"Liv; honey, did you hear me?"

"No. I… I'm sorry." She said, lying there on the loveseat. Her mind was so preoccupied, she'd barely remembered that he was even in the room.

"I said, what would you like to eat."

"I'm not hungry."

"Liv, we've talked about this. You're breastfeeding babe, you have to eat."

"El really, I'm just not hungry."

"How about I make you a smoothie? Huh? Berry, your favorite." She cracked a slight, half-smile in spite of how lousy she felt. She saw how hard he had been trying and she felt bad that she hadn't been too receiving and decided to make an effort.

"Okay. A berry smoothie."

"Okay" he said happily and kissed her. "I'll be back." Once he left the room, she peered down at Serena and signed, remembering when she first discovered that Serena was inside her and how she tried everything to tell herself that it wasn't true. She'd honestly thought that Harlan had fathered her and now, she still couldn't believe that she was Brian's! Nick had told her that Harlan had been behind it, that he'd been the reason that Brian was in this condition, the reason he might die and she couldn't help but blame herself. If she'd never gotten so upset with Brian, he wouldn't have wandered right up to that maniac that night.

"At least I don't have to worry about going to jail. I was so scared that they'd take me away and I'd be away from you, then your grandmother… We have a lot to thank Elliot for." She said, holding Serena's hand while she ate. "Now if we could only get your grandmother to let me see your father; I want so much for you to meet him. He's holding on but I'm not sure how much… I'm sorry that it turned out this way." She apologized to her daughter. "I'm sorry that I couldn't make you being born the greatest thing that ever happened for everyone involved. You went from being that monsters, to being Brian's overnight but we don't know if he'll make it, and your grandma wants to take you away from me and I wish that I could've made this so much better for you! But, you're my miracle, and no matter what, you are the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me! No matter what happens, you just remember that, ok? Just remember it and hold on to it!" She said as her tears fell.

* * *

Over at Nick's…

"Oh my god!" Carolyn screamed as Nick was on her back and fucking her with utter abandon. "OH GOD! I'm cumming again… Baby, don't stop!" She cried, the chances of that being slim to none as Nick was in a zone and fucking her hard and deep and her being in a complete state of euphoria! Nick had fucked her through four orgasms and the fifth was well on it's way as Nick just laughed.

"Didn't think I could tear this ass up proper?" He said as he fucked her but she was so far gone, her eyes just rolled up into her head as she fell down flat.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my goddddddd!" She screamed as he started to rub her clit and she came undone, squirting all over the sheets as the orgasm took her and she thrashed about, crying while she came! "Ohhhh fuck you! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!" She shouted over and he finally exploded into the condom he wore, coming hard.

"Oh shit… Oh shit!" He cried as the pushed up into her hard 3 of 4 times until he was done then collapsed on top of her breathing hard before he rolled off. His dick still hard as he pulled off the condom and tossed it.

"We're not done yet papi!" She said as she took him in her mouth.

"Damn, you recover quick!" He said, in gasping breaths as she smiled, sucked his softening cock to a stiff one again and taking him fully down her throat.

This one was definitely worth keeping around.

* * *

"Thanks so much for calling Liv." Amanda said.

"I'm just sorry that I couldn't be there, how're you holding up?" Olivia asked her.

"I should be asking you that question!"

"Uh; I guess we both have some healing to do."

"I know you must be exhausted so I'll let you go. Besides, I need to say goodbye to some guests… I will… You too Liv, bye!" She said before she hung up then just as quick she threw up in the kitchen sink and was thankful that nobody saw it, still not sure how she would break her pregnancy news to everyone.

* * *

At the hospital, Brian had suffered another seizure and this one was the worst of them. The doctors having to stop his tremors four times before they got them under control and now as they examined him, it was pretty much a hopeless cause as the doctors and nurses emerged from his room.

"Doctor Miles…" Joanie said, immediately walking over to him from where she sat outside his room. "You stopped the seizures, how is he?" The look in her eyes was hopeful. The doctor gated when they were hopeful because that made his job so much harder.

"Mrs. Cassidy…"

"Joanie. Please, it's Joanie." She said nervously but the doctor looked at her, unsure of how to proceed and finally decided to just tell her.

"Joanie… is there someone that you could call?"

"Call? Why would I…?" Dr. Miles looked around, scratching his neck. "No, there's no one." Damnit, another thing he hated! Everyone should have somebody in times like this; he hated giving news like this when the family members were all alone to receive it.

"Do you remember when I discussed your son's condition with you?"

* * *

Later as Serena slept, Olivia and Elliot lay in Olivia's bed, both of them worn out with Olivia curled up in his arm. The last week had been so strenuous with everything that happened, and now, it was nice to just be home and relax. And when she looked at Serena, sleeping peacefully on Elliot's chest, she could see how much he loved her baby. She thought of that conversation she'd had with herself earlier and had hope that things would be okay.

"First day home, how does it feel?" He asked, dozing off.

"Surreal. It's been almost five days and I can't believe she's here." She said as she rubbed the back of Serena's head. "I can't believe that I ever thought I could give her up!"

"What's important is you didn't. I already can't imagine my life without her."

"You know, I never got a chance to thank you for what you did. Getting me out of that mess with Phillips; I thought that I'd have to leave her… I know that I haven't said it enough El, but thank you!"

"Don't you know by now, I'd do anything in the world for the two of you."

"Oh yeah, can you make Joanie disappear?"

"I'm workin on it!" He laughed and she kissed him, sweet and heartfelt on the lips for a moment before she pulled away.

"What would you say to me moving in with you when I'm healed enough to handle the stairs?"

"I'd ask are you sure? I want it like you wouldn't believe but I also don't want you to do anything before you're ready."

"I'm ready; I don't know if when these six weeks are up if I'll be ready to make love again but these last few days…" She said with tears in her eyes, but they were happy tears. "Yeah, I'm ready!"

Before he could say anything, his phone vibrated and he hurried to answer it before it woke the baby. "Perfect timing." He joked before he looked at the call screen and answered. "Hey Honey...what, now? Yeah…" He put the phone to his chest. "Up for some company?" He asked Olivia.

"I thought that I could get away with just a tee shirt! Of course, I'd love the company!"

"Well that's good, Mo, Kathleen and Lizzie are about 3 blocks away and they are just dying to see you and Serena… Yes Mo, its fine! Okay. I'll see you soon!" and he hung up and turned to Olivia.

"You sure you're ready for visitors?"

"They're not visitors, they're family and yes, I'm sure." She said and pulled herself out of bed to put on a pair of pajamas, shutting the bathroom door.

He couldn't help but love that woman even if he didn't know that she was on the other side of the bathroom door crying!

* * *

**More to come, but in the meantime I'd love a review.**


	59. Hanging In There

**Chapter 59. It's almost over and maybe an extra chapter (or two) cuz I don't see it being over in 60! Anyway, Dick Wolf owns, I just borrow, enjoy.**

* * *

***chapter contains rape***

.

"Hey!" Elliot smiled, greeting his daughters as he opened the door and threw his arms around the three of them, so happy to see them. It had been Christmas since he'd seen Lizzie and Kathleen and almost a week since he's seen Mo although he's talked to them since. But still, there was nothing like one-on-one time (in this case, three on three time) and he was beyond excited.

"Dad, it's freezing, can we at least get inside first?" Maureen laughed as Elliot took an extra second to hug them before he reluctantly let go and got them inside.

"So where's your brother, Dickie?" He asked as he shut the door.

"Work thing, but he promised next time." Lizzie said as she, along with her sisters, took off their coats.

"Where's Olivia?" Maureen asked as they walked into the living room, each of them carrying a load of gifts and took seats.

"She's in the bedroom, she'll be out in a minute." Elliot answered. "But listen, she may be a little standoffish, just please, bear with her. She's been though a lot the last few days, so…"

Kathleen had a pensive look about her and looked at her sisters before she decided to ask her question. "It's about when she went missing this past weekend, isn't it?"

"Kathleen!" The girls chastised.

"It's okay" Elliot said "...and yes, it is."

"Is she okay?" Maureen asked, genuinely concerned.

"She will be."

* * *

"_His brain; it's gone Mrs. Cassidy. I'm sorry!" It was the last thing that Joanie ever expected to hear. He had been doing so much better she thought, although that was the furthest thing from the truth of the matter! The doctors had warned her that Brian was just a seizure away from catastrophe but it turned out they were wrong; this last time, it took four, four incredibly powerful seizures to do this to him; to render his brain dead with not even a hint of the life that once was and the rest of his organs were shutting down quickly._

"_Gone? No; he's fine, I, what are you saying?"_

"_I'm so sorry, I know that you believed he was getting better-"_

"_He 'is' getting better"_

"_Mrs. Cassidy-" He shook his head 'no', telling her it was over. "We told you weeks ago that you should prepare, now it's just a matter of turning off the machines."_

"_What? Never, do you hear me? I will never! He's going to get better, he's-"_

"_Mrs. Cassidy; again, I'm sorry but your son had a living will on file…"_

"_A living…" Joanie had never heard of this but it turned out that it was indeed a fact._

"_It instructs us that in the event of brain death; we're to let him go within 24 hours!"_

_..._

She sat there at his bedside absolutely weakened from the news. It had been 2 hours since the doctor had told her, had blown her world apart and she sat, her head in her hands and just dumbstruck! How could he leave her like this? Didn't he know that if he died, she'd die too from grief? He was her only; the last, best thing she had and he just expected her to let him go? Just like that?

"How am I supposed to do it?" The old woman sat and cried. "How am I supposed to say goodbye to you?!" She couldn't see it but his spirit had been beside her, watching as she sat quietly crying, trying to come to terms with this!

"I can't let you go, I can't… Brian, baby you're in there, I know you are! Just please, please come back to me!" She wept.

"Mom, I can't!" He whispered to her from where he stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders. "It's time to let me go; I need Olivia here, I need my little girl here so that I can say goodbye!"

Joanie cried on, holding his hand and touching his face so lovingly as she did. The same face she first laid eyes on when he came into the world 43 years ago and she looked at him and stroked his cheek. The same cheek she stroked when he was but a baby, nursing from her breast. The same one she used to wipe with spit when it was dirty; the one she would kiss goodnight every night before he closed his eyes..._he'll never open them again! _She thought. _My baby will never open his eyes again; he'll never look at me again! _

"Please don't go!" She said in a whisper as her tears fell and she placed her head upon his chest and just cried there. _She'll pay for this...that bitch will pay for bringing that man into our lives!_

* * *

As the girls were leaving and Elliot was outside seeing them off, Olivia was inside sitting up in her bed while she fed Serena. Serena was falling asleep while Olivia was thinking about Brian and looking down at her. She still didn't see him in her baby girl, supposing that maybe her looks were just taking their time, or perhaps Serena would just look like her. She smiled when the baby opened her eyes and sleepily looked up at her, smiling before she closed them and continued feeding.

When Elliot came into the room, she looked up at him as he entered. "It was nice of the girls to come by, I can't believe they brought so much for Serena!" She said to him in a low voice so she wouldn't wake Serena who was on her way to sleep.

"She's a lucky little girl, having so many people that love her." He said as he took his shirt off and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. But saying that made Olivia start to think about Brian, in turn making her realize as she had often since finding out that he was Serena's father that he might not ever see her. When she got quiet, Elliot stopped what he was doing and stepped out of the bathroom. "Hey… What's wrong?" He asked, his toothbrush dangling from his mouth

"I was just thinking that Brian won't ever know her; I can't even introduce him to his daughter because of his mother. What if he dies without ever meeting her?"

"Don't think like that, come on…"

"Elliot, I'm not a kid. I know how bad he is and I also know that he might not make it. I've been preparing myself for that probability ever since we found him in that hospital. And then his mother; her son is dying, and all she can think of is sticking it to me and for what? I know I'm supposed to think positive but how? She could take my baby away from me, and if Brian dies, I'll never see her again!" He quickly went back into the bathroom to spit and rinse; putting his toothbrush away before he came back out and turned off the light.

"Let's get married!" He said, looking at her with a smile on his face but with all seriousness, shocking her to the point that she had to really look at him to see if in fact he was sincere.

"What, are you…? Oh my god, you're serious!"

He was.

"I'm very serious and this wasn't at all how I planned to do this when the time was right but right now, time's something we don't have too much of!" He said as he looked down at the baby and rubbed her little hand, careful not to wake her.

"Elliot-"

"I know what you're thinking..."

"No; you don't! El, this is crazy, we can't get married!"

"Why not?" He said, again, very serious.

"Because...we can't. Look at me El, I'm just, you don't wanna marry me and I'm not just saying that because of the circumstances. I'm a mess right now!"

"When I look at you, I don't see a mess. I see my future and I know this isn't how you dreamed it would be; and believe me, it isn't how I wanted it either. I wanted to propose to you on a beach, maybe in the Bahamas but Liv, we love each other and this little girl; she means the world to us both!"

She had tears in her eyes, touched by what he said. "...but marriage?"

"It's the best way to fight Joanie. If you had a husband, someone who they know would be there…"

"So you do think I'm a bad mother?"

"No, Liv, I swear I don't! But look at the way Joanie's painted you to the court. She has them thinking that Serena's in danger just by being with you. I just think that if we could let them see that you're not alone, that you have somebody who's not going anywhere, who'll help you, and who loves this baby so much, not to mention who has a million kids of his own." When she laughed, he knew that he was getting through to her.

"You're crazy, you know that?" She said, taking Serena from her breast.

"So, is that a 'yes' to my proposal?"

"That's an 'I'll think about it' right now, I'm tired and I'd love to get some sleep while Serena's down."

"It's okay, we'll talk later!" He whispered and kissed her head before taking the baby putting her in the cradle beside Olivia before lying down beside her, turning off the light. "You sure this is okay?" He said, referring to the dark as he put his arm around her.

"I don't want her being afraid of the dark; I'll be alright as long as you're here!"

...

"_Please...no more!" She cried, unable to really vocalize, her throat dry from hours of being used in the sweltering basement. As she lay, naked on the mattress, surrounded by 12 naked men who had just ejaculated all over her and were ready still, for more._

"_Aw come on now bitch, you don't think we're done yet do you?" The tall blonde said as he grabbed her by the hair, pulling her head up and shoving himself in her mouth. She couldn't breathe and struggled against the man; Brad she thinks his name was. But she pushed against his hairy thighs, desperate for air as he was lodged in her throat to the hilt and holding her by the hair as the other men began applauding her suffering!_

She tried to wake up...

"_Bite me and I'll make you regret it!" He told her and he meant it, finally letting her go a minute later after large amounts of spit leaked from her mouth and her eyes were bugged to the point where she was ready to pass out and right before he pulled out, she threw up a little. "Now that's how I like it slut!" He said as she lay crying, only for Harlan guy to take his place, pushing her flat on her back on somebody and mounting her face as the man she was lying on took the moment to enter her anally and the others molested her, their hands everywhere! She didn't know which pain to focus on, which end and she wanted to scream. Her anus was on fire! Tears rolling down her face as the assault continued._

"_Get in her pussy!" He ordered some other guy! "That's right darlin, take me down!" He laughed in that wicked laugh while she again struggled to breathe; to move. He was so much larger that the other men and she threw up a lot, but he refused to let her go, the vomit getting in her nose while yet another guy took her and the pain exploded!_

When she finally managed to pull herself from the dream, she woke up fast, lying on her side with Elliot's arm around her, and so frightened as she rose up on one arm before she looked around and realized where she was. It was all a dream that she was reliving and now that she'd woken up, she was safe. _It was just a dream! _She reminded herself. _Just another dream! _

She lay back down, pulling Elliot's arm tighter around her and she snuggled against him, feeling so safe in his arms as she looked over at her baby, sleeping soundly in her cradle.

"You okay?" He asked, eyes still closed and ¾ of the way asleep.

"I had another bad dream, but I'm fine." She said, closing her eyes and reveling in the safety of his strong arms. As soon as she did, Serena started to cry and Olivia lay there, her eyes suddenly open wide.

"Babe, let me get her." Elliot said as he too woke up from Serena's cries and sat up in bed before he got up and turned on the light. Olivia quickly got comfortable against the pillows, still lying on her side. She was was still quite tender due to the scar that was there from surgery and she didn't want to put unnecessary strain on herself. She looked over at the clock, _11:13AM _as Elliot reached over for Serena, scooping her up from her cradle at Olivia's bedside. She was chewing her fist as she let out little whimpers and Elliot began talking to her in that goofy baby talk that Olivia absolutely hated but she didn't mind and she actually smiled when Elliot handed Serena to her. God, she loved this man she thought as he leaned down and kissed her.

"You need anything?" He asked, when she'd assured him that she didn't, he went off anyway, heading to the kitchen. "I'll get you some water." He said, kissing her cheek on his way out. Olivia looked at Serena, lying in her arms against the moonlight as she opened her nightgown to feed her, Serena latching on hungrily, but Olivia was thankful finally for the silence as she watched her.

_Not a care in the world! _She thought. As far as Serena was concerned, Olivia and Elliot were her entire world and as long as she got fed, and her diaper changed on time, she was a happy baby, not realizing the craziness going on around her. Olivia tried so hard not to cry as much as she wanted to but she was quickly feeling defeated as a few tears slipped out.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to her daughter as she held her close. "I shouldn't be letting this affect me and instead…" Olivia looked down at Serena, she had her eyes open and looked up at her momma while she ate; her eyes were getting so much bigger than when she was born almost a week ago and were becoming a pale, light brown like Brian's but they had taken on the shape, big and beautiful with long lashes just as Olivia remembered from her mom.

"You don't know what I'd give to have her here right now...she had her problems but she loved me. Just like I know Brian would have loved you!" She said, wiping away her tears as Elliot reentered the room carrying a glass of water.

"Here you go" He noticed her tears and took a moment.

"Thanks babe." She said.

"Liv, are you alright? You look like you've been crying." He spoke softly, so concerned and worried as he wiped her tears.

"I guess I'm just trying to process too much. I think…I'm gonna go back to seeing Dr. Lindstrom, I can't keep going this way, having these dreams; these memories...I just, I need help!"

"You know, whatever you need, I'm here."

"And I so love you for that!" She said as she kissed his hand. "You've always been my protector, whether or not I wanted you to be."

"I told you once, we're partners, for better or worse!"

* * *

The following day, after calling Dr. Lindstrom and finding that he had a cancelation, Olivia sat and had an hour long, tearful video session with him, discussing all of the things that she'd gone through lately as well as the things that she's been going through; things she'd like to see changed not only for her daughter, but for herself as well.

She remembered before the incident with the letter and being taken last week that she had started to overcome so much, and now it just felt as if she was back at square one. Couple all of that with being stuck in this custody nightmare; it was all just too much, especially for a new mom to deal with.

"After the baby was born, I went through a short period of...I didn't know if I could trust anyone and I just wanted to be alone, with her. I couldn't let anyone near her, or me; I just wanted to disappear!" She said with tears in her eyes.

"What about now?" Lindstrom asked.

"Now, it's still hard but I'm learning. I know that there are people who care about us…"

"But?"

"But, its hard. I'm still trying desperately to deal with and make some sense of the fact that he was still alive, the fact that he attacked me, that even for the briefest of moments, he raped me. Again. And I'm trying to be normal and involved but I keep waiting, like I used to for the other shoe to drop. Like at any moment, there's going to be something that just spins everything and…"

"And?"

"What if it spins me so far out of control that I can't come back?"

* * *

That morning as the clock ticked down, Joanie hadn't slept a wink all night. She simply stayed by Brian's side, praying that he'd somehow, miraculously wake up but he never did. In those hours since she had gotten the news, it was as if all of her training had gone out of the window. She was a retired nurse, she knew exactly what being brain dead meant, she had stood by and watched as many families over the years had gone through having to say goodbye to their loved ones because of it, but never in a million years did she think it would be her having to say goodbye to her own son. Her only son; her only child!

All night long she held his hand, read to him from his favorite book and sang to him; anything that she thought might pull him out of the state he was in but nothing worked and around 6 this morning, she understood that he was gone and that he wasn't coming back. Now, hours later, she just struggled with saying goodbye and letting him go.

"We had so much that we wanted to do; that I wanted to do. I wanted so bad for you to get married; find a lovely wife and give me grandbabies… You used to want that too when you were younger. Thought you had it until that Olivia came along and stomped on your heart; you never did get over her. Not even years later but by then you didn't want the same things anymore, a wife, a family and she did." She said, gripping his hand.

"I told you that she wasn't right for you, I told you since the day she came back into your life but you just wouldn't hear me! You wouldn't hear me and now because of her I'm saying goodbye to you! How am I supposed to carry on without you, my sweet boy?"

But in her anger and grief, she forgot one very important person who needed a chance to meet her father and say goodbye to him. Serena.

* * *

"Hey, room for a visitor?" Amanda said as she peeked her head into the bedroom carrying a gift bag and breaking Olivia out of her thoughts.

"Amanda... What are you doing here? You should be at home!" She said as she fussed with Serena's blanket and Amanda put the bag on the bed and took a seat in the chair nearby.

"I know, but I've just been drivin myself crazy!"

"I know the feeling." Olivia said, seeing that Serena was done and taking the child from her breast.

"You look good!"

"Nice try, but I've seen my face." Olivia joked, finally having gotten her shirt as she wanted it, then, turned her head to Amanda. "I'm so sorry I missed the funeral." She said.

"Understandable, you've been busy." Amanda said. "Can I?" She asked, dying to hold Serena and so happy that Olivia quickly gave permission, picking the baby up and handing her to Amanda.

"Say hi to Amanda, Serena!" She said as she put the baby in Amanda's arms. "Watch her head."

"I've got her" Amanda smiled. "Oh, Olivia, she's so beautiful! Hi there sweetie; oh, such pretty eyes you have, yes you do!" She said, tears quickly filling her eyes. Serena just yawned, looked at Amanda and then back at her mother, decided that she was in good hands and snuggled there in Amanda's arms. Amanda laughed, for the first time in a week feeling happy as she held the beautiful little baby, quickly inhaling her sweet scent. "God, she smells so good; so new!" Olivia just looked on and smiled.

"And it's so intoxicating until you're up through the night feeding her."

"Aww, I won't mind. _No I won't!" _She said to Serena in a baby voice. Not realizing that she spoke in future tense but Olivia caught it. "She's eating good I take it?" She asked while looking at the baby. She'd fallen in love.

"I feel like a milk machine." She laughed and so did Amanda.

"Your belly still looks 6 months pregnant!"

"Ugh, don't remind me!" She said with her hands to her stomach. "Elliot thinks it's adorable though."

"He loves you, can't blame him for that!" Amanda said as she made funny faces at the baby.

"That, he does. By the way, what's this?" She said as she picked up the bag.

"That, is a present for the little one."

"Amanda, you already bought her plenty!" She said, taking the gift from the bag.

"Amuse me! _Momma has no chill, does she?_" Serena yawned again, deciding that this Amanda person was very nice and she started to go to sleep in her arms while Olivia took out the gift to find a bunch of onsies, in different colors with sayings printed on them.

"These are adorable, thank you!" She read the tiny tees: "_Momma's girl, I want what I want!, Gimme kisses…" _

"That next one, I think Elliot will like."

"_I love Daddy!_" Olivia took on a solemn look.

"Hey, what's goin on? I didn't mean to..."

"It's not... you don't know."

"Know what?"

"I found out earlier this week that she's Brian's and I've just…" She let off a deep breath. "I'm a little; a lot emotional."

"Liv, that's incredible; but you don't seem so happy."

"It's hard to be when I can't even let her see him and his mother's suing for custody!" She said, wiping tears. "God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this, horning in on your news!"

Amanda started thinking, wondering what she was talking about. "What news?"

"About your baby."

"My…" She sat there seriously thinking now and wondering how she could have known. She hadn't told anyone but Fin and Eugenia and she knew that Fin hadn't told, and Olivia didn't know Darrell's mom so…

"You said "_I won't mind._"

With her eyes teary again, she laughed at her mistake. "I did, didn't I?"

"Yeah. Did he know before he...?" Olivia asked and Amanda quickly shook her head 'no'.

"I think we slipped up in Vegas, we were pretty drunk after we got married." She said as her tears fell.

"So it's early?"

"4 weeks I think. I'll know for sure when I see the doctor on Monday. I'm just...having this baby without Darrell, I'm so scared."

"I know I'm not the most together person right now but I'm here, anything you need. I mean it… Unless of course my own baby gets taken away and I lose it!"

"That won't happen. Somethin has to go right for you!"

"Your lips to God's ears."

"You'll see. So, truthfully, did it hurt?"Amanda asked to which Olivia paused, thinking of a nice way to put it.

"I won't say it didn't!"

"So, what _will_ you say?"

"Well, let's see. What's a synonym for worst?" Amanda looked on, frightened. "It was the most severely, distressing, harsh, intense, seriously, terribly painful thing I have ever done! But it was worth it in the end." She said as she held Serena's little hand and Amanda smiled.

* * *

"Ay man, what's the deal? You been mopin around here all day, what gives?" Fin asked as he and Nick were sitting around the squad room. It was a quiet day, made even more quiet by the fact that Nick wasn't his usual self and wasn't talking much.

"Carolyn dumped me!"

"Y'all ain't even been goin out a week!" Fin said, a half smile on his face that he tried to hide with no luck.

"Are you laughing at me?" Nick yelled, already angry.

"No, what? Nah. I was smiling at this...thing on my computer!" He said, wanting to crack up. "So why'd she dump you?"

"Get this, she said that I was _"too good a lover" _and that she can _"get too caught up" _in me!What the hell? I mean it's not my fault that I throw it down in the bedroom!" Fin had a look on his face like _what the hell? _But instead, offered this:

"You know what you need? A night filled with strippers to take the pain away!"

"I don't want strippers, I want Carolyn!"

"Forget Carolyn, hey, how about tonight's on me? Lapdances, the whole shebang?"

"Everything?"

"Everything! What do you say?"

"I'm in"

"My man!" He said as his phone rang. "Special victims unit, Tutuola. Yes… Uh huh… Yeah. Was there anybody else...? I see… Thanks for calling." He said into the receiver then hung up with a worried look.

"Who was that?" Nick asked, curious about why Fin looked the way he did.

"That was the hospital where Brian is. They called to tell us that they've taken him off life support. He's gone!" Nick immediately got to his feet.

"Does Liv know?"

"His mother was the only one there when they unplugged him… Damn I hate days like this!" He said as he grabbed his coat and phone, heading out the door and Nick followed.

* * *

**More to come.**


	60. Where The Blame Lies!

**Chapter 60 and I can't believe it! I thought at one time I'd go maybe 10 chapters with story and now 50 chapters later, here we are and I'm still writing. But anyway, Dick Wolf owns, I just borrow.**

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**.**

**1 week later… Friday**

Friday afternoon and Brian's funeral had come early that morning and in spite of Olivia wanting to go, Joanie had made it quite clear that she didn't want her anywhere near the Church or burial site and so she didn't go. Instead, she stayed home and mourned with her daughter.

It was a bit later that Elliot decided to check on her and went to the bedroom door. "Liv…" He said as he came into the room. She was in the window seat, blankly staring out at the leftover snow.

"I'm fine El." She looked anything but, and just seemed listless.

"You don't look it!" He said as he sat down beside her. "I know you said that you wanted to be left alone…"

"And I do"

"Liv, it's been a couple of hours; I just need to make sure you're okay."

"I told you, I'm fine." She said though her voice told a different story with how quietly she spoke then went to staring back out the window. Elliot wanted to push for details, he knew if he could get her to talk, she'd feel better but he decided against it for now and took the hint, standing to leave after kissing her head. "it isn't fair." She said, almost so silently that anyone else would have missed it but Elliot turned back around and came to her.

"No, it's not. But Liv, you gotta believe that somehow, he's in a better place, a place where he knows and understands. He wouldn't want you beating yourself up."

"How could she do this? How could she not tell me? Not that I really thought she would but Serena; I at least thought she'd take her into consideration!"

They both got quiet, neither of them knowing what to say until Elliot thought of something to cheer her up.

"You know, A Place In The Sun is on at 7, what do you say I order some takeout, we could curl up on the couch with Serena and watch it."

"El, I don't…"

"Come on, it's your favorite movie, I know you love Monty Clift." He smiled.

"I don't love him." She said, one playing at her lips as well.

"2002, and I quote:_ "Why can't then be now and he be alive and looking like that today? I'd marry him!" _

"Okay, first of all, the fact that you remember that…"

"Of course I remember that, I remember everything about you." He said and she grew quiet and suddenly her eyes met his, smiling.

"That's why I love you." She said, quietly and he smiled.

"I love you too Liv, and I just want you to be happy, you deserve it more than anyone. Let Joanie be however she's gonna be, she can't hurt you. You have this beautiful baby, and you have me and I told you before and I meant it, I'm not going anywhere!" She threw herself into his arms and rested there.

"Let's not get married!" She said.

"What?"

"I wanna do it but I wanna do it when it's right. I don't wanna do it because of Joanie's threats. I love you and when we do get married, when you propose; I want it to be when we're ready. Is that okay?"

"It's fine, but you're gonna have a harder time with the old woman."

"If you're by my side, I can do it!" She said and kissed him then snuggled against his chest as he held her.

"I'm by your side, always!"

* * *

**Saturday**

Saturday night and Nick sat at home, bored out of his mind! With nothing to do, he found himself home, playing chess against himself. After chess, he called Zara and they talked for a while, then he called to check on Olivia. Seeing that she was okay, he called to check Amanda and then he called Fin. He and Fin shot the breeze for a while but then Fin had company coming and he had to go. He sat around the house until he couldn't take it and then he started to clean. He got started in his bathroom and when that was spotless, he got started in his bedroom and after cleaning for about fifteen minutes, he was vacuuming under the bed when something caught in the vacuum. Curious to see what it was, he immediately turned the vacuum off and got down to see; it was a gold bangle bracelet!

...

"I'm coming!" Carolyn shouted as she made her way through her cavernous high-rise apartment, tying her bathrobe. She had just finished soaking in an hour-long bath when the doorbell rang and now she hurried to get it.

"Nicolas!" She said, surprised when she opened the door.

"I hope I'm not disturbing you." He said leaning against the door frame.

"No, I was just getting out of the tu-" she laughed nervously "so...what are you doing here? I thought we…"

"We did- well you did."

"Nick-" He held up the bracelet and smiled. "I found your bracelet and I just wanted to return it so…" He gave her the piece of jewelry and she took it, holding it close to her heart.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome… Well, I'm gonna go, you take care of yourself."

"You too." She stood and watched as he began walking off towards the elevators but she called to him before he was out of sight. "Nick?"

"Yeah?" He asked, turning around to her.

"I was gonna have a glass of wine before bed, you wanna join me? ...for the wine; not the be- I mean-"

"He dipped his head, laughing silently. "Yeah; I'd like that!" He said as he came inside, walking past her and she smiled before she closed the door.

...

"Nick… Oh my god!" She cried as he was on top of her with her legs on his shoulders and fucking her for dear life!

"You wanna cum, don't you?" He laughed, they had been at it for over an hour and whether her was eating her or fucking her senseless, he'd always pull back just when she was starting to cum and right now, this was the fifth position he had her in and she was going crazy! She needed to cum so bad but Nick purposely held her back.

"Yesss, make me cum…oh god, make me cum!"

"You need it?"

"I need it it so bad, oh god please! My pussy is on fire baby please; PLEASE!" She begged. She could feel it, it was building in her stomach again and just when he felt her twitching, he knew that she was almost there.

"Ohhh baby!" He yelled

"Don't stop!" She cried with her back arching. *Oh my god don't stop! Don't stop...don't stop...don't-" Before she could get it out.

"Ohhhhhhhh, yeahhhhh!" He came hard into the condom, on purpose and fought everything in him to not laugh as he rolled off her, onto his back and lay there. "Woooo! That was hot! Yes!" He yelled. "Oh yes indeed, thank you! Woooo!"

"I didn't cum!" She said, mad.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"I said I didn't cum!"

"Ohhh!"

""Ohhh!"?" She said, getting angrier. "What the hell Nick?"

"Calm down, I'm sure there's a way I can't get you where you- oh look at the time!" He said, looking at his watch. " Gee, I'm really sorry babe, but I gotta go!" He said, getting out of the bed and scavenging for his clothes.

"You are not serious!"

"Afraid so, but it was really, really good!" He kissed her cheek as he was busy dressing. "Thanks!"

"Oh my god, you are serious!"

"Look, I'm sorry okay? I don't perform too well when my feelings have been hurt!"

"Nick-"

"Really Carolyn, "too good a lover"? That's the reason you dump me because I'm _too good a lover_?"

"It's complicated"

"It's bullshit!"

"It's not bullshit!"

"It's bullshit that you can't find any other reason to dump me, I mean I thought we were feelin one another but hey, you wanna be alone so bad, fine, be alone! Let's see who you find that's not only good to you and treats you with respect but can make your toes curl and your eyes roll up while he's giving you multiple orgasms! Goodnight!"

* * *

**Sunday**

He's been debating on whether he should call her, or go see her but he's been afraid. The last conversation he had with Elliot, it was angry; well, at least on Elliot's part but Barba couldn't help feeling guilty after Elliot had left because he knew that all in all, he was right. It didn't take anything more than for Rafael to read the letter he'd given to Olivia to see that he shouldn't have given it to her to begin with. That's all it would have taken to not put her in a frame of mind where she'd doubt herself even more than she already did; enough for her to want to give her baby away but never knowing that Olivia never once had an ounce of blame towards him; she never even thought about it.

"You can't hide out forever, Barba!" He said to himself as he sipped his espresso, clad in his silk robe. He was sitting at the dining room table that was lavishly done up with a cornucopia of delicious breakfast foods to which he had an appetite for none as he perused through his work files.

"What did we say about bringing work to the table?" Bart said playfully, entering the dining room with a platter of bagels and lox and kissing Rafael.

"I'm sorry my love..." He said before pushing the files away and removing his glasses, pinching his nose between his fingers. "This case is driving me crazy!"

"You're stressed… We could always take that trip; maybe not to Tromsø, but…" He said, sitting the platter down. "I could take some time off work..."

"God, that sounds like exactly what we need!" Rafael smiled and took Bart gently by the waist, the two of them looking so lovingly at one another before Bart slid a hand up Rafael's cheek as Rafael put his head against Bart's chest.

"So that's a yes?" Bart said, smiling.

"That's a definite yes!"

"Good." He looked down at Rafael as he looked up, the two of them engaging in the sweetest and sexiest of kisses, Bart seductively slipping that same hand down the top of Rafael's robe and caressed his strong chest. "Now how about you stop lying about the case being the cause of your stress and go to her."

"Bart…"

"Don't 'Bart' me! She'll understand Raf. I don't like seeing you so torn up; you need to see her."

"Sounds like an order…" Raf said playfully.

"I mean it!" Bart said and kissed him again. "Ve a ella!" He said before he sat down and poured himself some coffee.

* * *

At the house, Olivia sat in the nursery in the rocking chair, feeding the baby while her mind went places that she knew it shouldn't but she couldn't help it. She couldn't believe that Joanie had just let Brian go without a word to anyone; without a word to her, at least for the benefit of the little girl that they now knew was his so that she could have at least been with him.

She looked down at her daughter as she heard the doorbell and she wiped away the tears that hadn't really stopped since last Saturday when Fin and Nick came over and told her the news. She couldn't believe it. She had been so completely wrecked it took Fin, Nick and Elliot to calm her down enough to listen to them and even then, it took everything in her to not go down there, to not go and give her a piece of her mind! Joanie had robbed her daughter, robbed her of a chance to say goodbye, to apologize for so much, and now she'll never have the chance to tell him how sorry she is.

"I'm sorry…" She said to her baby; it seemed like she had been saying those words to her so many times in the two weeks since she was born. Serena was looking at her, her eyes trained on Olivia as she fed and telling her mother not to beat herself up but it was hard to hear when Olivia's heart was such a mess.

"You okay?" Elliot said as he stepped in the room looking uneasy.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking a bit too much but I'm fine. What's going on?"

He thought about how he could tell her and chose the words carefully. "Liv…you have a visitor."

"A visitor? Who?" She wondered. When he answered, she wished that he hadn't.

"...Joanie's here." He said almost like he was apologizing but it was as if Olivia didn't hear him and she instead went on with the task of feeding Serena.

"_That selfish bitch!" _Olivia thought to herself but then immediately felt bad. The woman had lost her son, just as Serena, although she didn't know it, had lost her father though that didn't stop Olivia from hating her!

"Liv, did you hear me?"

"She can wait" She said in a barely-there voice. "I'll be out when Serena's finished.

...

It was almost twenty minutes later before Olivia came out of the nursery and downstairs, kissing Serena and telling her that she'd return before she left.

"Momma's gonna go talk to your grandmother for a little while, can you be a good girl while I'm gone?" She said while Serena looked up at her, she was falling asleep but silently telling her mom to be strong. Looking at her daughter made Olivia smile even when there wasn't much to be smiling about. She thought about Brian and she hoped that wherever he was right now, he knew that she didn't come because she couldn't and that she didn't bring his daughter for the same reason.

Serena gave a big yawn before she looked at Olivia one last time and through heavy lids, she closed her eyes for the last time and drifted off to sleep there in her mother's arms. Olivia continued to rock her for another minute or so before she reached over to put her down in the crib, adjusting the baby's blanket and turning on the monitor before she left the pretty pink room and shut the door.

...

In the living room, Elliot was sitting in the comfy chair that was across from Joanie, who was seated on the couch, quietly and not being very friendly.

"I knew Brian only briefly" Elliot said, trying to spark conversation with the woman. "...we worked together at one point, he was a...great guy!" Okay, maybe he overdid it but it's not like he was lying- totally. Brian was a great guy when he knew him back then. Maybe a little…hard around the edges now, but back then, great guy.

"Yes, he was." Joanie said haughtily, and it was all she said as she stared at Elliot, making him uncomfortable in his own house. He understood that the woman was grieving her son but this wasn't the way one behaved. Especially when one was visiting another on another's turf. Why the hell was she here in the first place? He certainly couldn't just show up to Kathy's while their visitation issue was with the court. He suddenly wished that Olivia would get here because he just might choke this woman if he had to spend another minute with her.

"You sure I can't get you something? Coffee, tea…" _The soul of a virgin?_

"No."

"Okay." He said, running a hand down his face, scratching his chin before rubbing both hands down his thighs then stood up and walked a few feet away. God he wanted to grab this woman and throw her out! He was beyond happy when suddenly Olivia appeared in the doorway. She hadn't dressed, still in her pajamas and untied robe with a sloppy ponytail; Elliot went to her before she fully entered the living room.

"You don't have to do this, she's not very amicable today." He whispered to Olivia.

"She's not very amicable ever." Olivia said as Joanie stood up and looked over at them, trying to decipher what they were whispering about.

"You need me to stay?"

"I can handle it." She said "but, would you mind-" she was going to ask if he'd look after Serena but he was already ahead of her.

"I got it." He said and kissed her, heading back upstairs to the nursery. She took a deep breath before she went into the living room to greet Joanie and praying that for Brian and Serena's sake she could maybe not turn this into an argument, in spite of the fact that she wanted to rip her to shreds!

"Joanie!"

"Olivia; I know you weren't expecting me but it's bad form to not at least put on a bra to greet me!" She said bitterly. Olivia looked down at her chest. She was more than adequately covered but decided not to go there, deciding that it was none of Joanie's business if she was too sore to wear a bra around the house.

"What do you want?" It came out a lot harsher than she had intended but she didn't care.

"Where's my granddaughter?"

"She's sleeping. Where's her father? Oh, thats right, you thought it would be best to unplug him without the benefit of telling me." Olivia said with tears filling her eyes but she'd be damned if she cried them. Joanie got a look on her face, not of hurt, but surprise; she wanted to be the one to throw it in Olivia's face, to see the look, knowing that Brian had been buried and she wasn't there! But suddenly Joanie was the one that had been denied!

"It was my choice, he was my son!"

"How could you?" She to force herself to not yell, taken so completely off guard and shaking her head as the tears she was determined not to cry, pressed even more and she fought to breathe and control them as she approached the old woman.

"How could 'I'...? You killed him-"

"Harlan Lewis killed him, I was lying in a hospital for god's sake!" Olivia shouted angrily as she steadied her breathing. She didn't want this to go this way, but she was so tired of being blamed for everything that was wrong in this woman's life.

"You brought him into our lives! He was supposed to be dead but lo and behold, no!"

"You can't put this on me! And if you weren't so damn hateful, you'd see that this was nobody's fault but Harlan's!" But Joanie wasn't hearing anything that Olivia had to say and just looked through her, refocusing her attention on Olivia's still puffy stomach and suddenly remembered the baby.

"I came here to see my granddaughter, are you going to make me wait?!" She said.

"Are you insane? This is not some family reunion, Serena's father is dead and thanks to you, she'll never get to say goodbye! Tell me, was hating me really worth her losing that?"

"Serena?" Joanie said. "Is that her name?"

"I named her after my mother."

"Of course you did!"She criticized. "What about a middle name, or did you not give her one?"

Olivia looked at her and took another deep breath, pressing her hand to her stomach. She had to get her anger under control. "It's Cassidy."

"That's nice of you."

"I didn't do it for you."

"Tell me, why not Cassidy as a first name?"

And there it was, in less than five minutes, she managed to completely push Olivia to her breaking point. "I'm not doing this!" She said and started to walk away but turned around. "You are a mean, nasty woman! I tried and tried with you when Brian and I were together because he loved you and believe it or not, I loved him…"

"You never loved my son! You didn't 15 years ago and you didn't now! I saw through you Olivia! You used him, that's all he was to you! You used him fifteen years ago to fill a lonely night and you used him now for the same reasons only you got raped before he could get out-" Olivia just looked at her, serious shock registering on her face.

"Don't bother denying it…" But she didn't; she could barely think. "he told me everything, even how he resented you later on because of it, but he ended up staying another year; wasting his life on you!" and now this was the part where she wanted to break something. Brian had told her; he didn't even know for sure even though he'd had suspicions, but she had always denied it to everyone. So why did he…? No, she wouldn't give this woman the satisfaction of her tears even though they stung her eyes like onions and longed to get out but she would not allow them!

"I know that you're only saying these things to hurt me and it's okay; but the fact remains that even if he did resent me and of course, we'll never know that now, I loved Brian. Part of me still does and that won't change, especially now. But you- I've been ridiculed, and ostracized by you and for what? Because of an affair that didn't go right when he and I were just kids? And now because at the time he suggested it I was too traumatized to take a DNA test? Too afraid that it would come back saying that Brian was wrong and that that monster was my daughter's father? I was too scared to even hope that maybe she could be spared that fate, and instead of you, a woman understanding that and supporting me, trying to make Brian understand and have a little patience, you made it worse and you're making it worse! Brian is dead and you didn't let me or his baby say goodbye and now you come here, as if you're entitled and you just expect me to give you access to her? Well I'm sorry, but you can fly away on your broom, you and your custody suit because it'll be a cold day in hell before you take my baby, do you hear me? Now please, get out of my house!"

Unable to say anything else and feeling fully embarrassed, Joanie quietly turned to leave as Olivia watched her from where she stood.

"And might I suggest, if you ever even _hope _for some kind of relationship with your granddaughter when this is over, I'd get to fixing this now because once we go to court, that's it! You don't get another chance!" She said before Joanie left and she went to lock the door. She was standing slumped against it and in tears. She couldn't believe that Brian had told his mother that William had raped her. It was the truth but he didn't know at the time and he certainly didn't have the right to tell anyone, let alone her!

"She must be g- oh no, why are you crying?" Elliot said as he came to her.

"It's nothing!" She said deciding that it was, in fact, nothing. Brian wasn't here anymore, as hard as it was to believe only a week after his death. But he was gone and instead of being angry over what he may have said to his mother and what he may have felt; she would focus on the fact that upstairs, there was a perfect and amazing little girl that he'd given her, and for that, she'd forever be thankful. "I just can't understand why that woman is so evil!" She said as he took her in his arms and held her.

"She'll come around, you just gotta believe that!" He said softly into her hair and kissed the top of her head.

"I don't know how many times I can keep believing it. Especially now that Brian's not here. I want us to get along, all of us for Serena's sake. We're family now like it or not but how can we do that if all Joanie sees is anger?" She said while praying in her heart that after delivering that speech to Joanie, right really was on her side.

* * *

Outside, Joanie stood out on the stoop of the house looking at the front door. It was snowing again and that just made her think of Brian and how Winter always was his favorite season. He'd often said that there was so much beauty when it snowed. At one time she would have agreed with him but all she could see right now was the loneliness, pain and heartache. Look at all that had happened. She found out that Brian had need injured, and then he died in winter, leaving her alone. And if that wasn't enough, she had this woman to deal with until the judge made a decision in her favor.

Who knows? Maybe Joanie could've shown more support in light of what happened to Olivia but support still didn't make her see this any differently, she was still going to court to get her grand baby; especially now that Brian was gone. Serena was the only thing she had left and she was hellbent on getting her.

"_Serena…" _She said in a mocking tone, thumbing her nose at the name._ "_We'll be changing that when I take custody!"

"_...once we go to court, that's it! You don't get another chance!"_

"And neither do you, Olivia!" She said before she walked down the steps and to her car.

* * *

An hour later…

"Liv, are you sure you and Serena will be alright until I get back? I could cancel." Elliot said.

"Are you kidding me, you've worked way too hard and waited too long for unsupervised visits with Eli! Serena and I will be fine, besides, you're just going to Jersey to bring him back."

"Do you know how amazing you are?"

"I can guess. Go, you're gonna catch traffic." She said and kissed him.

"If you need me-"

"Elliot, I'm fine, go!"

"Okay." He bent down to Serena and whispered softly. "I'll be back before you miss me, princess." and he kissed her then look up to her mom. "Are you su-"

"If you ask me if I sure, 1 more time-" He smiled and caressed her face before he leaned in and kissed her slow.

"I'm going." He said and left, just as he opened the front door, Barba was about to knock and he and Elliot stood there in the doorway for a moment, staring and silent when finally after a moment, Barba decided it was silly and spoke.

"Hey."

"Hey." Silence again. This time it was Elliot who spoke up. "So listen; I meant to call you-"

"It's- I should've been-"

"So, we're okay then?"

"We're okay." Rafael said, relieved.

"Olivia's inside, but I gotta go." Rafael nodded and made his way inside, shutting the door and removing his coat.

"Liv?" He called, going around to the stairs and looking up. "Olivia?" She came from the kitchen, holding the baby and he just about melted.

"Raf, this is a surprise!" She said and hugged him before sitting down on the sofa.

"_This_ is a surprise! When the hell did you have her?"

"Two weeks ago tomorrow."

"And nobody told me?"

"They probably thought you knew. Rafael, this is Serena."

"I don't know about babies but this one is beautiful, Liv!" She smiled.

"You wanna hold her?"

"Oh um, maybe next time." Olivia laughed.

So, what brings you by?"

"I actually; I came to apologize." That took her by surprise and she had to ask him why.

"Apologize for what?" She said as Serena started to fuss and she put her on her shoulder to quiet her.

"For what? The letter."

"Come on, I don't blame you for that." She said, still trying to soothe Serena.

"You don't?"

"No, I don't. Is that why you stayed away? You thought I did?"

"I...I just thought that...yeah."

"Trust me, I've had bigger things to worry about. Shhh, it's alright." She said to Serena in a gentle voice as she put her back in the cradle of her arm and tried to give her the pacifier which she took and quieted, closing her eyes.

"I heard about Harlan."

"Then you probably heard that I was almost jailed for killing that bastard!"

"Language!"

"She's asleep." She smiled. "Are you in a rush?"

"Nope."

"Good, you can keep me company."

* * *

**Okay, so this is obviously not ending here, I think I'm going to stop estimating chapters and just finish when I finish. More to come.**


	61. Judgment Day

**Chapter 61, and it's the second anniversary of me writing this story, so happy story birthday to me and all of you who have been with me from the beginning! To everyone else, trust when I say that you are no less appreciated and I thank you all!**

* * *

**.**

**The following Tuesday…**

"As you can see, the baby has a beautiful room here!" Joanie said to the social worker who was writing everything down.

"And, will she sleep here every night?" Mrs. Johnson asked her.

"Yes, of course; well, until she gets used to it you know which I imagine will be fairly quick with her being so young and all."

"I see."

...

"...she sleeps here during the day." Olivia said to Mrs. Johnson and tickled the baby's tummy as she finished changing her diaper and fixed her sleeper.

"The day? What about at night?" She asked, writing in her trusty notebook that made Olivia nervous.

"Well she doesn't sleep through the night yet" Olivia said as she picked Serena up from the changing table and they left the nursery as she cradled her to her chest. They walked a few feet down the upstairs hall to her and Elliot's bedroom. "She has a cradle by our beside."

"Our?"

"My; it's weird to say 'boyfriend' um, life partner I guess. If we had known you were coming he could have been here to meet you - not that we would have prepared."

"I can see that!" She said, referring to Olivia's near shabby appearance in an oversized tee shirt and leggings with her hair sitting atop her head in a messy bun.

"You can.. Anyway, I'm nursing and, it makes it easier when she's up 3 times night to get fed."

...

"Tell me Mrs. Cassidy, will you be the one tending to the child's needs on a daily basis?"

"Yes, I'm retired and I'll be meeting all the baby's needs, unlike her mother who I'm sure would probably have a Nanny or such nonsense to look after her."

"Oh?"

"Oh yes! She's one of those modern career types, always chasing the job. You know, in my day, we didn't do such things. I was a nurse but only after my son started school and even then I was always home to cook dinner, these women nowadays, they just leave their men and kids to rot!"

...

"I guess for the time being, Elliot and I will…" Olivia told her when asked about 'who will be caring for Serena?' as they walked back to the living room from the stairs. Mrs. Johnson seemed shocked that as soon as they sat down, when Olivia lifted her tee shirt and started to feed Serena. "I can't really say what I'm going to be doing a year from now because honestly, I just don't know."

"You sound like you're having a tough go of it."

"Yeah, it's been rough; actually, it's been really traumatic. But one day at a time." Are you sure I can't get you something?" She said nervously.

"That's quite alright."

...

"I hope you got everything you needed." Joanie said as Mrs. Johnson was leaving her home.

"I did and I want to thank you again Mrs. Cassidy."

"Please, call me Joanie."

Mrs. Johnson smiled. "Joanie. Well I thank you for allowing me to talk you and have a look at your home."

"Of course. If you don't mind, what happens next?" Joanie asked.

"Well, I'll go and file my reports and give my recommendation to the court. That should help in deciding. I have to go, but you take care now."

"You too dear!" She said and shut the door, the look on her face gloating with victory.

* * *

When Nick came by a couple hours later, Olivia wasn't in the best of moods, feeling like she messed up and as she and Nick sat in the nursery, she lying across the couch while he was in the rocking chair, playing with the baby, she told him so.

"What if this was it, my only chance and I ruined it?"

"You didn't ruin it."

"Nick, I told her that I'm in therapy!"

"Come on, Liv, lots of people are in therapy."

"Not for my issues! And then she got this funny look when I brought up Elliot, I swear, you should have seen her."

"Okay, you're putting way too much into this. She's a social worker; Her job is to check out the home, to make sure that Serena is in a clean, productive and loving environment. That's all that matters. _Isn't that right?_" Serena smiled at him and he melted.

"I should just pack up and leave!"

"Now you sound crazy. Listen to me, everything's gonna work out fine. You remember in the hospital, I gave you this to put on mija?" He said, referring to the thin gold bracelet that was on Serena's arm beaded with black and red.

"And I don't know why I listened to you; I don't believe in good luck charms."

"Then why'd you you let me put it on? I'll wait…"

"Because...I don't know!"

"Because it works. You trust me, nothing bad will come to this little princess and that includes her grandmother." He said and kissed the baby. "I gotta go, but you stop worrying!"

"Kill Joanie and I will."

"Don't tempt me!" He grinned and kissed Serena again. "Te amo cariño. Ser bueno para mamá!" He said, making Serena smile again before he lay the baby down beside Olivia. "It'll be okay!" He said and left. Olivia looked at Serena and inhaled her scent.

"I love you, baby girl!" Olivia said and Serena turned her head to look at her mother. "And if I messed up with the social worker, and lose you because of it, I don't know what I'm going to do."

* * *

Wednesday night, after a long two days work, Nick finally came through the door at around 10, dead tired and just wanting to crawl into bed. However, he managed to get as far as his bedroom door when suddenly his phone rang. He looked at the screen, quickly deciding if it wasn't work or Zara calling, he would let voicemail get it but when he saw that it was Carolyn, he quickly picked up.

"Carolyn, I didn't expect to hear from you." He said, taking off his shirt. "How's it goin?"

"It's going good actually!" She said. _Three days damn you! Three whole days and I can't cum! _"So how are you?"

"I'm doin. Sleepy as hell but…"

"Oh. Well I was driving down from Yonkers to see a client" She lied. "And I was wondering if I could maybe…"

But Nick knew what she was up to and he had to weigh between getting his hard on taken care of and flat out refusing her. He knew it was bad, but he chose to get his situation taken care of. Besides, he had a plan after all. If he got her to that point enough times, she'd come around and it was with that in mind that he told her:

"Well I was about to go to bed but I guess you could stop by." He said and she smiled bigger than she meant to but when she thought about him, between her legs, she couldn't contain herself.

"I'll be there in five minutes!" She said and hung up and Nick, as soon as she did, he laid back on the bed and as soon as his head hit the mattress, he was in a dead sleep and when Carolyn finally arrived, he slept right through it!

She was thoroughly pissed! Horny and on edge, she called his phone but it was on vibrate and he couldn't hear it.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" she yelled and after the third call, she left him a message. "Amaro, you son of a… Fuck you, when you get this message; fuck you and… Just fuck you!" She yelled and hung up, starting her car and driving off in a huff, getting home to her apartment and masturbating until she was sore but with no relief!

* * *

**The following Monday… **

"Just remember, there's nothing that you need to be ashamed of." Carolyn said. "answer whatever questions opposing counsel asks…"

"Okay."

"And try not to worry."

"Easy for you to say, he's gonna try to bring up Harlan; those months I spent in Pennsylvania-"

"And you'll answer what's within the scope of the hearing. You can do this Olivia!"

"I'm scared to death! What if the judge takes Joanie seriously? What if he thinks I'm just a crazy person and my daughter's not safe with me?"

"Olivia…"

"What if I lose custody…" She said as she looked over at Serena who began whining from her carriage.

"That's not going to happen!"

But Olivia wasn't listening and she had tears in her eyes as she rocked the carriage to quiet Serena, then unbuttoned her jacket and undid her blouse and bra. "All this time I've let everyone convince me to be so confident… She's nursing for god's sake; how is she even gonna take to drinking formula? What if she's allergic?"

"I'm sure Mrs. Cassidy will handle it." When Carolyn said that, Olivia gave her a look like she wanted to murder her, all while Serena continue to whine and Olivia picked her up. Carolyn rerouted what she was saying. "Listen to me, I promise you that I will do everything you that I can but I need for you to stay strong and remember, you're doing this for her!"

"_It's okay baby girl._.._here you go…_" She said to Serena in a totally calming voice as she got her latched on and she again looked down at her and caressed her face while she ate, then took her little hand, letting Serena hold the tip of her finger before she turned to Carolyn. "Please, make this happen; whatever you have to do, just win this."

Carolyn looked at the scene before her, at the worried mother and suddenly, in spite of knowing how good she was, she felt nervous for the first time in a long time. "Are you good to do this while you're…doing that?"

"Nursing?"

"Well, yeah, I mean…"

"Carolyn, I'm feeding her, she's not eating my brain." Olivia said laughing. It felt good to laugh, especially the last few days where between having really vivid dreams about Harlan, she's had to deal with, in spite of telling her that she wouldn't win, worrying about Joanie. Hell, since she started back with therapy, Dr. Lindstrom had seen her five times in the last two weeks alone!

"Right. Okay, so we go into this with…"

* * *

"You ready?" Fin said as he came up into Darrell's huge apartment and followed her into the kitchen.

"Almost. God, this morning sickness is a bitch!" Amanda said, not exactly feeling her best. "And these damn vitamins don't help!" She further griped as she swallowed the pill and forced herself to drink some of the glass of water.

"Why don't you stay home? Liv will understand, she just went through this herself."

"Because she needs our support. I'll be alright." And she took another sip of water and forced it down then stood there to make sure that it, along with the pill didn't come back up. "So Darrell's mom wants me to move to DC to be closer to her."

"DC? I hope you let her down easily!" But when Amanda didn't say anything… "Amanda; you did tell her no? I mean…"

"I told her I needed to give it some thought and I do. I just; I've been thinkin about the fact that I'm gonna need help; a lot of it."

"You'll have help"

"Really? Fin, I love you guys but come on. If I stay here, I'll need a nanny, which I can't afford-"

"So we'll help!"

"No, I'm not asking for handouts"

"You wouldn't be. And think about it, what about-"

"My job?" She looked away for a moment and then back at Fin. "I'm sort of wonderin if bein a cop is what I wanna do anymore."

"Not you too!"

"Fin, I have this baby comin, and it's daddy was already killed in the line of duty; I'm what he or she has left and I can't take the risk that one day I'll be next!" She said with tears in her voice just as her phone rang. "Excuse me a second; Hello? Yes, this is she…" She said as she went into the living room.

* * *

"Hey, where's Liv? We're gonna be starting soon." Elliot asked as he and Nick met up with Carolyn in the hallway of the courthouse.

"She's in the break room feeding the baby, I thought I'd give her some time alone with her." She looked at Nick and he looked at her. "Hello Mr. Amaro." She said.

"Ms. Jeris." He greeted with a plastered-on smile. They hadn't spoken since that incident on Wednesday and she was still pissed.

_Bastard! _She thought. What were the equivalent of blue balls for a woman? Because whatever it was, that's what he'd left her with that night. And not only that, but she couldn't get off and God, she tried! "Elliot, you okay?"

"I'm good, I'm just a little-" He stopped his sentence and stood up when Joanie arrived with her lawyer. "Mrs. Cassidy." He greeted, trying to be cordial.

"She's here isn't she?" Joanie said.

"Hello to you too!" He practically said under his breath.

"I thought for sure she would have pulled an excuse and not shown!"

Elliot got a look of _why do I bother? _about him and took a breath. "She's feeding the baby."

"I hope not breast, that's a battle I don't need with my granddaughter once she's home!" She said, then looked Elliot and Carolyn up and down and walked away, into the courtroom.

"You think god would hold it against me if I choked her till her head popped?"

* * *

"So who was that on the phone?" Fin asked Amanda as they made their way into the courthouse.

"Darrell's lawyer. He wants me to come down to his office today."

"Did he say what about?"

"No, he just asked if I could be there at two." When she got a serious look on her face and then had to sit down…

"Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah I'm… No, I think I'm gonna be sick!" She said and ran for the bathroom.

* * *

Upstairs in the break room, Olivia had finished feeding the baby and after she had fallen asleep, Olivia still sat holding her and just sat for a while, looking at her.

With her finger, she traced the outline of Serena's face, tracing her hair that peeked out from her cap and then her eyebrows and gorgeous, fat cheeks before she leaned in and kissed them and though she was sleeping; Olivia talked to her, feeling that she needed to say some things.

"Everybody's right on one thing; you are such a beautiful girl!" She said as she caressed her cheeks. "But I want you to grow up and be more than just a beautiful girl. I know that you can hear me even though maybe you don't understand but I want you to grow up and do the things that'll make you happy and that'll help people in the process; just don't become a cop okay?" She said with a giggle. "I know that you can't promise me but… Baby girl, if somehow we don't…" She felt her tears falling and she wiped them and smiled. "If the judge sends you to live with- with your grandmother, I probably won't get to see you unless he orders visitation. Stay a good girl for me and remember that I love you, no matter what your grandmother says! You are the whole world to me and I didn't want to give you up and don't you let anyone tell you otherwise; your momma loves you so much!" She said, kissing her daughter through tears as Elliot knocked on the door and came in.

"Liv, we should get to the courtroom, the judge will be in soon." But Olivia sat there, tears streaming her face as she looked at her daughter.

"I don't wanna go; I can't…" She said, unable to catch her breath. "El, if I lose her!"

"Listen to me, this is not goodbye for you, okay?"

"You don't know that! Elliot I can't go in that courtroom, I can't; everything always goes wrong for me and I- I can't- I can't let them take her from me!"

"Liv, breathe! Come on; listen to me okay?"

"No, I am done listening!" She said as she got up. "I should never have come here!" As she tried to walk out, Elliot grabbed her, being careful of the baby and held her in his arms.

"You are not gonna lose her! Do you hear me? You are not!"

"And I ask again, what if you're wrong? What if this all just goes to hell? He can't take my baby from me, El, I won't make it without her!"

* * *

"Remember, don't let her lawyer rattle you, they're only questions." Carolyn said as they were seated in the courtroom. Olivia looked over at Joanie who had her eyes on the baby seat that was closed to shield a sleeping Serena from the lights of the courtroom. When Joanie realized that she couldn't see the baby, she angrily turned around to her lawyer.

"Crush that bitch!" She whispered angrily, then turned to look at Olivia. And though she felt anything but, Olivia put on a stoic face.

"_I should've ran!" _Was what she told herself as she waited for Joanie to look away before she turned around to see everyone that came to support her; in addition to Elliot, Fin, Nick and Amanda. Even Cragen and Munch were there.

"All rise!" The bailiff spoke just as Olivia was about to address everyone. The entirety of the courtroom immediately stood up, Olivia squeezing Carolyn's hand as the judge entered. "Manhattan family court is now in session, Judge Preston A. Moore, residing."

"You may be seated." Judge Moore said to the courtroom. Suddenly, Olivia wished she were anywhere but here!

* * *

**More to come.**


	62. Ruling

**Chapter 62 and not much to say, we pick up where we left off so let's go.**

* * *

.

At the courthouse, Carolyn sat out in the hall instead of going out to lunch with everyone else. She was nervous about what the judge would decide and rightfully so; she had done a great job with defending Olivia to the court but Joanie's lawyer had done an equally good job of painting her out to be a crazy rape victim who couldn't hold herself together, much less her child. It was a wonder that Olivia didn't break on the stand seeing as how fragile she's been lately but there she was, she got through his examination and only shed a few tears but she didn't break! Max Pooley however was vicious; he didn't care that he had a new mother on the stand, one who had been repeatedly raped and traumatized; his only motive was to win for Joanie and by the time he was done putting Joanie on the stand, along with his other witnesses and then cross examining Olivia, he had Joanie looking like Mother Theresa! And as good a job as Carolyn had done to make Olivia look good, still, she was worried.

She looked at her watch, checking the time yet again. The longer the time that Judge Moore took, the better it would be and so she was thankful for it but nervous and she wondered if he'd call them back to say that he needed more time and dismiss them for today. She looked back at the courtroom and she felt the weight of the world on her shoulders! She'd felt custody cases before, they all mattered greatly to her but there was something about this one that made it matter on a different level. She never, in the years that she's been doing family law, had a rape victim for a mother, and never one who'd been through it so horribly as Olivia. She wanted to win this case, not because of her record of wins or the big payday, but Olivia needed this, she wasn't a questionable parent like Carolyn had represented in the past; this was a mother who loved her child. It was obvious before Olivia even knew that Brian was her father, when she believed that that beautiful baby had come from the worst experience of her life, she loved her still and Carolyn was determined that Serena would stay put and she'd hoped that the judge agreed with her.

_God, I should've listened to my mama and become a wife!_ She thought about her older sister, she'd gotten married at 17, straight out of high school and with a baby on the way and she and her husband were happy, 4 kids and all these years later. But then the hundreds of families she'd helped came to mind and she knew she made the right choice in listening to her father. _Be a career woman!_ He'd say. _Being a wife and mother is fine, but you, mija, you were made for something more! _But still, 2 older brothers who were doctors, 1 that was a CEO to a very successful company and a baby brother who was on his way to graduating Princeton law school, top of his class, she had to wonder if her father wasn't just edging her on because he wanted yet another brown skinned Cuban child that he could brag about.

She laughed to herself and checked the time again before she took out her iPad and turned it on to begin looking at her schedule for the next week that her secretary had sent her when Joanie came up in the elevator and made her way over to her with her lawyer.

"Hello dear."

Carolyn was taken aback by Joanie suddenly speaking to her and looked around to see who else Joanie could be addressing. When she realized that she was the only other person in the hall besides Joanie's lawyer…

"You're talking to me; I'm sorry."

"It's quite alright dear." She said then sat down beside her. "I just wanted to let you know, no hard feelings." Joanie offered.

"Hard feelings?" Carolyn was confused.

"The case dear…"

"I'm sorry, why would you need to-"

"Well, I happen to know that my lawyer did an outstanding job in there and as good as you were, well I hope you're prepared to hear that you lost and I just wanted to let you know, Olivia may be angry when that happens, but I don't have any feelings of animosity or vexation." Carolyn, at a loss for words, simply looked at her for a moment.

"Good to know. Excuse me!" She said and was suddenly happy to see Nick, who had just come off the elevator and she quickly made her way over to him. "That woman is nuts, pretend that we're talking!"

"Okay, what are we talking about?" Nick laughed as he took her bag and they walked.

"We could start with how you stood me up the other night and why." She said quietly.

"I didn't actually. If you had let me explain, I would've told you that I had just walked in the door after two days at work when you called me and that as soon as I lay down, I was out."

"Out, huh?"

"Yes, out. Why is that so hard for you to believe?" He asked with a grin on his face.

"I don't know, probably because you're smiling when you say it."

"I'm sorry, though you gotta admit, it was hella funny!"

"Really? And just what part was "hella funny" to you?"

"Maybe not _hella _funny."

"Maybe not funny at all, do you have any idea how horny I was when I came over?"

"It's your own fault."

"My fault?"

"Carolyn, I'm not your man; I'm not your boyfriend or significant other, hell, we're not even dating and you expect me to put it down whenever you say go. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong because I slept with you when we were broken up and I shouldn't have done that, even if it was just to rile you up."

She was about to respond when her phone rang. "Gimme a second." She said and answered the phone. "Carolyn Jeris."

* * *

Lunchtime and they sat in a restaurant, all six of them, and Serena, who was in Don's arms.

_Why did I agree to come here? _Olivia thought to herself. _I should be at the courthouse with Carolyn. _

"Hey, babe, you alright?" Elliot whispered to her as they sat close at the long table. "You've barely touched your food!"

"I'm not hungry."

"Liv"

"Elliot, I appreciate the concern, but drop it, please." She said as she looked at her phone again to check the time and got nervous all over again.

"I am so sorry!" Barba said as he came rushing in the restaurant. "I had a court case early this morning and then a meeting with defense, they wanted a deal; but I'm here; everyone!" He greeted the rest of them as he pulled up a chair and sat down near Olivia.

"It's okay, you're here." She said looking over at Serena in Don's arms, wishing that she were in _her_ arms. She needed the comfort of her daughter as she looked longingly at Don; he absolutely fawned over Serena; smiling at the little girl, then back at Olivia.

"I know I say this every time but she really is the most perfect baby." He said._ "Aren't you, precious?"_

"It would be perfect if you didn't hog her, man!" Munch said.

"It's not everyday that I get to see my granddaughter, _no I don't!_ Amanda, I hope you're ready for this!" Cragen said with a smile on his face for Serena.

"I'm ready if Liv'll have it for me!" She said and they all laughed but Olivia just sat there, in her head, a plate full of food that she hadn't touched and not hearing any of the banter that had been going on around her.

"_Yes, I admit, I have issues stemming from the rapes but they don't affect my daughter and I'm getting help for them; your honor, I love Serena and I'm a good mother…"_

"Liv?" Amanda called.

"...what?" She answered absently, coming out of her blur with everyone staring at her.

"I was just saying…" She didn't get to finish as Olivia's phone buzzed and she picked it up immediately. "Yes, hello?" She said as she got up from the table, her hand to her ear and walked to a quieter spot, leaving Amanda sitting there and she turned to the group and forced an uncomfortable smile.

"Is she gonna be alright?" Barba asked Elliot.

"I wanna say yes, but honestly, until this is over I don't think so." They sat talking then Olivia suddenly returned, looking like she'd seen a ghost.

"Liv, baby girl, you alright? Fin asked.

"The judge; he has a verdict! I think I'm gonna be sick!"

"Liv, take a minute!" Munch said. "You'll be okay.

"He's right, Baby, just breathe." Elliot said as he reached for her but she ran to the bathroom with her hand over her mouth and Elliot started to go after her.

"-I'll see about her." Amanda said, putting her hand on his shoulder to let him know she had it and that it was alright before she got up.

* * *

"Where is she?" Joanie asked her attorney as she looked at her watch. "So help me, if she's taken my granddaughter-"

"Joanie, calm down. The judge gave everyone an hour to be back here, it's only been 37 minutes. I'm sure she's on her way." Max said. Joanie took a deep breath and turned around in a circle, trying to assuage her apprehension. _What if she took off with Serena?_

_..._

Across the hall, Cragen, Fin, Nick, Elliot and Munch stood talking to one another while Amanda was outside on her phone, and Carolyn was talking to Barba.

"It's gettin close." Fin said, in regards to the time as he looked at his watch. "...maybe we shouldn't have left Liv alone."

"She's not alone; she's with Serena." Munch said.

"I don't know, I agree with Fin" Don expressed. "I just wish we could do something to cheer her up."

"The only thing that's gonna cheer her up is that judge coming back and saying that she gets to keep Serena…" Elliot said hopefully while Nick just stood there, absorbing the conversation.

...

"One lawyer to another, do you think she'll win?" Barba asked Carolyn who looked at him as if she didn't know.

"I wanna say yes…" She said but not really knowing. Suddenly, Joanie made her way over.

"I'm gonna go." Barba said and walked off before Carolyn could say a word..

"Where is she?" Joanie demanded.

"She?" Carolyn uttered, not giving Joanie much attention.

"You know good and well who I'm talking about, where is she?" But rather than respond, Carolyn simply looked at the woman for a few seconds before walking off to talk to Nick.

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Nick, can I talk to you?"

"Excuse me guys." He apologized before he walked away with her. "Everything okay?" He asked her when they were safely off to the side.

"Yeah, I just need someone to talk to so I don't strangle Mrs. Cassidy!" She said, looking over at Joanie who in turn got extremely nervous.

...

"She's done it!" Joanie said to Max.

"Done what? Who?" Max said, looking up from his phone.

"Are you listening? Olivia; she's taken the baby and run off! I know it! She couldn't take knowing that the judge is going to rule against her and she's taken my granddaughter and-"

"Okay, we just went through this, Joanie…"

...

"That oughta make her nervous." Carolyn said with a grin as she and Nick turned a corner, Nick, who was obviously amused, still felt the need to chasten Carolyn.

"You're not helping matters. And have you ever thought, seriously about what happens if god forbid, Olivia loses?"

"Are you serious?" She said as she twisted his nipple, suddenly very upset with him. As he struggled to get her to loosen her grip, he dipped slightly, in great pain and fought so he didn't yell.

"Are you insane?!" He shrieked, though low as he got loose and rubbed his nipple through his shirt.

"Are _you _insane? How could you say such a thing?!"

"I'm just trying to put things in perspective; I know she's not going to lose!" He said, still rubbing his chest.

"Well don't say things like that; I'm already nervous."

"You're nervous? You're the best family attorney in this city."

"It doesn't mean that I don't let cases get to me...this one did."

"Carolyn, you've defended this the best you could, no one could have done any better and no one will blame you if…"

"But I'll blame me… Look, don't say it okay? Let's just pretend that we're in a place where everything is fine!"

"Fine, but we don't have to pretend, I'm telling you; everything's gonna be fine!"

"Okay, you've either bribed a judge or you have the faith of a fool!" Nick looked at her with a laugh, and drew her into his arms, she surprising herself by letting him hold her.

* * *

In the break room, Olivia sat nursing Serena and knowing that it might be the last time. As she sat stroking Serena's hair, watching her intently as she hummed a tear-laced lullaby. After a while, Serena stopped drinking and Olivia just sat there for a moment before she took her off the breast, never stopping her stare.

Serena looked back at her mother, seeing her tears but not understanding what they meant and she decided to smile; once Olivia saw that, she wiped her eyes and returned the gesture though all she wanted to do was weep.

"I suppose it's time to go out there, huh?" She felt tears running down her face again and quickly wiped them. "No matter what the judge says, I will never stop fighting for you, not ever!" She said as Carolyn walked in and saw her condition, saying to her quietly...

"Olivia; honey it's time to go." She didn't bother turning to face Carolyn way, she simply nodded as she looked at Serena, getting up slowly as she cradled her in her arms and gently rocked her soothing her to sleep as Carolyn stood watching, the whole scene getting to her as tears laced her eyes. Serena was fast asleep within seconds and Olivia stood watching her for a moment before she looked up at Carolyn and said quietly.

"Okay."

* * *

A few minutes later, Olivia and Carolyn came into the courtroom, and Joanie turned to look at her, surprised to see Serena in Olivia's arms and though she was covered by her blankets, she saw a peek of her little hand when Olivia kissed her and handed her off to Elliot. She lingered for a moment, and then handed Elliot the pacifier. She kissed Serena again before Elliot took her hand, squeezing with assurance as he quickly kissed her lips, sending Olivia to take her seat with Carolyn up front as she dried her eyes before the tears could get out.

Carolyn took her hand, whispering to her. "You can do this!"

Over at Joanie's table, she sat still staring at Serena, wanting to see more of her but taking comfort in the fact that any moment now, the judge would grant her custody and she would have the baby to herself, finally and she turned to face forward with a smile on her face.

"All rise!" The bailiff said. Once again the people in the courtroom stood up as the judge entered and the bailiff carried on. "Manhattan family court is in session, Judge Preston A. Moore, residing."

"Be seated." The judge ordered after he sat down. "After consideration, and I admit that it didn't take much, but it was not considered lightly. Still, I've come to ruling and I would appreciate silence until it is finished. Mrs. Cassidy, it is evident that you had your granddaughter's best interests at heart when you filed this suit and I applaud you." Joanie smiled even broader as Olivia prayed to a god she didn't actually believe in with such an intensity as she felt her tears and this time, she couldn't stop them and they escaped but she quickly wiped them.

"...there should be more grandparents who strive to step forward when a child is in a situation that is dangerous…" Olivia was shocked now, looking back at Elliot and crew with disbelief plastered on her face as everyone was outraged. "...but I don't see that in this case." Olivia immediately turned around and looked at Carolyn. "From my social worker and from Sergeant Benson's own testimony, it is easy to see that although she struggles with what she has unfortunately been through, the child is in a home where she is loved and cared for and I can see no good reason to upset the world of a three week old baby unnecessarily and it is my ruling that she remains with her mother. Sergeant Benson, good luck!" And he banged his gavel and left the courtroom.

"No… Noooo!" Joanie cried but Olivia was crying for a different reason as she embraced Carolyn then immediately got her baby from Elliot's arms and hugged him like she didn't want to let either of them go as she held Serena and cried and Elliot held them tightly.

* * *

Later outside the courtroom, they were saying their goodbyes as Munch was busy holding Serena.

"Liv, I have to get to court but I'll call you later." Rafael said and kissed her. "Congratulations and I'll call you! Don, it was nice seeing you again." He said and walked out.

"How about next weekend, we come by, I'll cook dinner?" Don said

"I would definitely like that." She said as she hugged him, getting a little emotional. "Thank you!"

"For what?"

"For being here. You don't know how much I appreciated it!" She said, wiping her eyes.

"That's what fathers do!" He kissed her on the cheek and looked at her. "You've been so strong through all of this, and I don't mean just the custody suit but you've fought hard and I'm proud of you." She smiled through her tears and hugged him again.

"I've got so much to teach you. For instance, did you know that your father's middle names were John Fitzgerald, who was probably the greatest man that ever lived? Full name was Kennedy…" Munch told Serena who stared at him as if he were the most interesting man on earth.

"John, she's too young for conspiracy theories." Elliot grinned

"Never too young to be brainwashed according to Munch!" Fin said and he and Elliot laughed.

"This from the man who believes in the 1 shooter theory; look at her eyes, she gets me. Don't you Serena?"

"I'll take your word for it." Elliot laughed.

"Are you brainwashing my child, John?" Olivia said as she came over.

"Only the kid understands!" He laughed as he handed her off to Elliot and hugged Olivia. "You did good!" He said and she smiled.

"And on that note, it's time for us to get out of here." Don said and he and Munch left.

"Later cap. I better get goin too, Baby girl, later El." Fin said and left. When they were gone, Elliot turned to Olivia.

"We should have a party."

"What?"

"Yeah, we never got to have a welcome home for you guys with all that was going on. I figure now that it's all over…"

"I'll think about it. But for now, I can't wait to get to home and cuddle up with you two." She said as Elliot put his arms around her waist and took the opportunity to kiss her."

"Ready to go?"

"I am unbelievably ready to get out of here!" She said and kissed him again then looked at Serena in his arms. "We're goin home, little one; for good!" She kissed Serena then took her and secured her in her carriage. "Let's go!"

As they were walking out, Olivia pushing the stroller, Joanie made her way over.

"Olivia…" She called as she approached, so full of contempt but realizing that now, she had to play by Olivia's rules. Olivia checked Serena, thoroughly pissed and had to tell herself that it was over now as she looked at her little girl.

"Elliot, would you bring the car around?" She said as she stood, then turned to Joanie as Elliot left. "What do you want?"

"I was thinking" She said as she stared at the closed carriage longingly. "So much has happened these last few months that had us both running a bit high."

"Actually, you were the one running high but…"

"Olivia, we don't have to place blame. I said some things, you said some things…"

"You know what Joanie? Let me do you a favor and save your breath for you. You just put me through hell and now that you lost, you expect me to let you in." She said quietly and opened the stroller. "Take a good look, because this is the last time you'll see her!"

Joanie stood there shocked, looking at Serena, so small, so perfect. Joanie was driven to tears! She had Brian's nose and his eyes and when she saw Joanie, she smiled at her and in that moment, she broke, wanting so much to hold her. "Olivia, please-"

"Go to hell!" She said , turning to walk away and leaving Joanie standing there, suddenly realizing the weight of her actions. That child was her only connection to Brian and she had ruined it! She was truly alone now and had nobody to blame but herself.

* * *

"See, I told you!" Nick said to Carolyn as they walked out of the courthouse.

"I guess you did, huh?"

"Oh, you only guess?"

"What would you have me say?" She asked him, laughing as they stood face to face, the snow starting to come down. Nick stood there, staring into her brown eyes as she stared up at him, the wind whipping fiercely, blowing her hair around her face.

"You could say that you wanna give us another chance."

"Nick-"

"Carolyn, I'm crazy about you. And you can try to hide it, but I think you feel the same about me." He said as he moved a lock of her hair out of her face.

"Says who?"

"Says the woman who can't cum anymore if I'm not there assisting her!" He laughed.

"You ass!" She said as she hit his chest.

"What is it with you and this abuse?" He asked. Her answer was a kiss on his lips.

"I was wrong to give up on you so easily! I- Nick, I think I'm falling in love with you...or the amazing sex."

"Haha!" He said then got serious. "I think I'm falling for you too!"

"So what now?"

"This!" He said before he grabbed her with both hands on her neck and held her gently while he kissed her, a deep, sensual, long, lingering kiss to her lips. That when he finally let her go, she stood dazed, her eyes closed while she tried to get her senses back.

* * *

Over at Darrell's lawyers office, the secretary walked over to Amanda who was seated on the small waiting area.

"Mrs. Collins? Mr. Jackson will see you now." The beautiful black Secretary with the almond shaped eyes and thick, natural hair said as she walked Amanda to his office and let her in the door.

"Thank you." She said as she stepped into the enormous, modern decorated office and Aisha shut the door.

"Mrs. Collins; I'm so sorry to hear about Darrell." He said as he kissed her cheek.

"Thank you, Mr. Jackson. And please, call me Amanda."

"Amanda; Darrell was like family to me, it's so tragic what happened. Please…" He motioned for her to sit. "Can I get you anything? Coffee? Tea?"

"No." She said quietly with a hand to her stomach, as she sat in one of the chairs at his large wooden desk and feeling queasy.

"Right, I suppose you'd like to know what this is about. Why don't we get right to it!" He said as took a seat behind his desk and set a portfolio aside as he took papers from another folder and placed them in front of him. "Darrell wanted to make sure that, in the event of his death that his widow would be well taken care of."

She felt her eyes getting watery and she wiped them as she apologized. "I'm sorry...it's still so new!" Mr. Jackson handed her tissues.

"It's okay. Do you need a minute?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine." She said as she wiped her tears.

"Good. Let's carry on, shall we?" He smiled and Amanda nodded as she continued to wipe her eyes.

* * *

Later at Nick's place…

"Oh my god… Oh my God… OHHHHH MYYY GODDD PAPI!" She screamed as her back arched beneath him and she came so hard that she saw stars! He kept on, fucking her through another orgasm before the first one even subsided and after two more of these, she couldn't take him anymore and pushed him out, spasming and still cumming as he sat up and laughed.

Suffice it to say, she was absolutely satisfied!

* * *

That night at Elliot and Olivia's home, lying in bed together with a sleeping Serena who was lying across Olivia's chest.

"I still can't believe that I walked out of that courtroom with my baby!" She whispered and kissed Serena's head while she held her little hand and Elliot in turn kissed Olivia's nose, then her forehead and held her close.

"You convinced yet?"

"Of what?"

"That your luck is changing."

"I don't know about that, but I do know one thing."

"What's that?"

"That for the first time, probably in my life, I'm happy!" She said. "I know that I have a lot of healing to do still, but now I have Serena to live for; and I have you! You came back to me and you loved me through those times when I wasn't sure of anything and all I could see was darkness… I love you Elliot; I love you so much!"

"I love you too; and now that we're over this mess with the court…" He took his arm from behind her and got up from the bed.

"What are you-"

"I wanna do this right this time." He said as he took something out of his nightstand drawer and walked around to her side of the bed.

"Do what right?"

"You are the only person I've ever done this for." He said as he got down on one knee.

"Elliot…" She gasped as she secured Serena's back and sat up as he pulled out the ring box and opened it as she held the sleeping baby to her chest and tears came to her eyes and he smiled and took her hand.

"Olivia Benson, there is nobody else in the world who I love they way I love you; who I love more than I love you." He said as she hung her head and cried. "We came back to each other and I never wanna let you go again. I wanna spend the rest of my life being the man you can be proud of, being a father to this beautiful little girl and being your husband and I hope with my whole heart that you'll say yes so, will you make me the happiest, proudest man alive, and marry me?"

* * *

**See you guys soon.**


	63. Awake

**Chapter 63, and dammit this story wouldn't do what I wanted it to do so here's the deal, I had to break up that last chapter because I couldn't get it to flow the way I wanted to. And I'm currently cursing myself because I thought this would be the last chapter! Anyway, roll with me a little longer.**

* * *

.

"...so, will you make me the happiest, proudest man alive, and marry me?"

As she looked down at him kneeling in front of her with that ring, she had so many questions, so many doubts! Here he was, asking her to marry him, but was this what he really wanted? Was it what _she_ wanted? She'd had so many ups and downs this past year, and she had to wonder if him wanting to marry her was a mistake on his part. Did he really understand what he was asking? And not of her, but of himself?

When he asked her before the court date if she would, they both understood that it was simply out of need; at least she did. She loves him so deeply, but what if she's too broken?

"Olivia?" He called softly, bringing her out of her thoughts and she looked at him wide eyed as she held Serena. "Please say yes…"

She looked down at her daughter in her arms, then back at Elliot. She didn't think when they agreed a week ago that they wouldn't get married that he would surprise her with another proposal so soon, and she was scared to death! What about her daughter? What about him? What about her own insecurities. Could he really handle what he was asking of her? Could he hold enough love in his heart for her child, herself, and her problems? They wouldn't be just living together, they'd be man and wife and have to handle all of the responsibility that came with that. Serena was only 3 weeks old, but she loved him and there was no doubt in her mind that he adored her baby girl but was that enough? This was _marriage_ he was talking about; and not for show or play, but real marriage!

Still, she sat there, and as it became clear, and she knew in her heart the right decision to make, she didn't question it, she accepted that it was in fact the right thing and she said to him with tears running down her face…

* * *

**2 years later…**

This was officially Amanda's third month back at work since going on extended maternity leave for a year. She ended up taking her degree and going to work for the DA's office as a Forensic Analyst. She'd decided right away in her pregnancy, as she told Fin she would, to get out of police work and she didn't hesitate. Being as she was, without Darrell, and knowing why he couldn't be there for her and the baby was a huge awakening to her and she had to think smarter. She, like it or not was all her baby had, twins as she would find out at her first sonogram, and she couldn't risk one day, not being there.

"I love you, little man!" She said to her son, as he began kissing her cheek while he threw his arms around her neck and hugged her tight and quickly decided that he'd had enough of that.

"Down mama!" He said as he wiggled out of her arms. He saw a puzzle block that he wanted and had to get to it before it got lonely and Amanda laughed as she put him down and watched him toddle off.

"Bye bye mama!" Imani said, waving to her. Amanda went over and kissed her, missing them both already and looking at both her babies. Both were a perfect mix of she and Darrell, having heads full of long, dirty blonde curls and beautiful café au lait skin. Both their faces were his alone, even down to his big brown eyes on Trey, Mani having big clear greens; they were truly beautiful babies.

A year and 3 months ago, in spite of the doctors telling her that multiples didn't go all the way to term, she went two weeks and 2 days overdue before she gave birth to a set of healthy twins, a girl, weighing in at 7lbs 4oz, and a boy weighing in at 7lbs 9oz. 37 hours, 2 broken waters, an earload of bad language and finally, Imani Rose and Darrell James Collins III were born nine minutes apart!

She was lucky that with Darrell leaving her a sizeable inheritance, that she was able to take a whole year off after having the babies to just bond with them, and she was so happy that even though Darrell was taken from her, he left her with two blessings that she loved beyond all else. Olivia was right, the worst physical pain she'd ever go through but, totally worth it. It was the greatest thing she and Darrell ever did. She got teary as she looked down at them. It was crazy that she still missed him so much especially when she looked at his babies and wondered like she often did, how much he'd love them.

"Okay, I'd better go you guys. I'll be home early so we can go to Serena's party okay? Be good for Mimi!" She said, kissed them and and left, the babies happy that they'd get to go out this cold winter day.

* * *

"Melinda's gonna be a no show, pileup in the Bronx, she sends her apologies. Cragen and Munch are on their way… What are you doing?" Elliot said as he came in the kitchen

"Putting the candles on Serena's cake. What does it look like?"

"You're supposed to be taking it easy!"

"Elliot will you stop? I'm fine and doctor Morgan said I could be up for 2 hours today."

Two years and three rings later and it was the second best decision of her life, the first being deciding to have Serena. She truly couldn't imagine her life different from where it is now and was so thankful every day that she said yes when Elliot asked her to marry him. He's been an incredible husband and father, even if right now he was getting on her nerves.

"Limited. She only let you up because it's Serena's birthday and you wanted to be present for the party; and I hope you're not planning to carry that when it's time." He said as he wrapped his arms around her and planted kisses to her ear.

"Eli, will you tell your father that I can do it?" She said to the youngster who was sitting at the kitchen counter eating chips and handing Olivia the candles.

"I think you better listen to her, dad." Eli said

"I think you'd better get out of this kitchen!"

"Sorry Olivia." Eli shrugged, laughing and left the kitchen after he grabbed a handful of chips.

"And _I _think I distinctly remember that the doctor said, no lifting!" Almost nine months in with number two with five weeks to go and they couldn't be happier. But, to say that Olivia was shocked when she found out was an understatement! She was terrified! Remembering the trauma that was Serena's pregnancy, and how in the beginning she wished, prayed that it was wrong and that there was no baby, especially every time Harlan or Doc, or one of the other men raped her. She thought that god wouldnt bring a child into such a situation and when she realized that in fact, she was, it was hard for her and even harder after she'd escaped! She didn't know if she should have it and when she did, she went through months of doubt. Not knowing if it was right up until the very minute she held Serena in her arms. But still, when she found out that there was to be another on the way, she lost it! Between going back to that time, not to mention the fact that Serena was just 15 months old, Olivia had a moment that went on for a month of crying and telling Elliot she didn't think she could do it. She had stopped asking him to use condoms exactly nine months earlier after one broke and she surprisingly didn't freak out, but she didn't think that she could even get pregnant again. Serena had just been an extreme fluke. Plus, with her age, being almost 46 at the time she conceived her second baby and having had problems in the past. But Elliot wasn't surprised at all though, actually telling her she was pregnant before she even took a test! "Come on honey, I'm trying to keep my girl and my baby safe."

_Damnit, could he be sexier right now? _

"Fine! But if you don't stop kissing me there, things are about to get x-rated in the kitchen!" She whispered, turning her mouth to him and skimming his lips before she moved his hands and waddled out of the kitchen, leaving Elliot to finish putting the big number 2 candle on the giant Doc McStuffins cake. She would never admit it but she loved how Elliot fawned over her.

...

In the living room, Olivia came in from the kitchen to see Serena running around with with Imani and Trey and Milo, Maureen's 1 year old son, and they all ran right past her, bumping her legs.

"Sorry mommy!" Serena shouted as the chase continued, the four of them laughing their heads off as they ran. Olivia was about to sit down when the doorbell rang.

"I can get it, Liv." Lizzie said as she finished arranging presents on the gift table.

"Thanks honey but I go back on bedrest in an hour, I wanna do as much as I can before then." She smiled and slowly made her way to the door, taking a breath before she opened it to see Brian's mom on the other side. "Joanie. What a surprise." She tried to put pep in her voice but who was she fooling? She and Joanie knew just where they stood with each other even though they kept the peace for Serena. When Serena was 6 months old, feeling sorry for Joanie that she'd lost her only child and had no one. Olivia decided against her better judgment to allow Joanie to see Serena. She was her only grandchild and for Brian's sake, she wanted to let his mother have a part, albeit a small one in Serena's life even if she couldn't stand the woman but she let it be known that one misstep and that was it.

As Joanie came in from the cold, her arms and hands stuffed with bags of presents, she quickly put them down there in the foyer and began taking off her coat. "How are you?"

"I'm doing well, thank you."

"These are for my grandbaby." She said, referring to the piles of gifts that were in several bags. Olivia wanted to say something but she held her tongue, deciding that it was Serena's birthday and if this is what made Joanie happy...

"That's very thoughtful, thank you."

"Grandma!" Serena yelled, happily as she ran to Joanie who immediately handed her coat to Olivia and picked Serena up, hugging her.

"Happy Birthday darling! How's grandma's girl?"

"I'm 2 today! Right mommy?"

"That's right sweetie." Olivia said as she hung Joanie's coat.

"I know, and look at all the presents I got for you!" Joanie said as she put the child down to see the bags of gifts.

"For me? Thank you, Grandma! Mommy, look, mine!" Serena said, not knowing where to look first at all the brightly wrapped gifts. She was just excited to pieces!

"Thats nice of grandma, huh? What do you say?"

But Serena was already in her grandmother's arms. "Thank you grandma!" She exclaimed, Joanie hugging her tight while she gave a kiss to her cheeks.

"You're welcome sweet girl.

"I have a toy puppy!"

"You do?"

"Yes. His name is Bobo and he's over there. Come see!" Serena said pointing as she and Joanie walked off and Olivia watched her in amazement. Just that fact that Serena was only two years old and had such a capacity for language, not to mention already developing reasoning and math skills, it was astounding. Especially since Olivia worried that because of the circumstances surrounding Serena's first three months in the womb, she would be born with setbacks but she wasn't. She was healthy and beyond smart and Olivia was beyond thankful.

"Can't believe baby girl is 2 years old, where does the time go?" Fin asked.

"Oh gosh; I'm sorry." Olivia said, coming out of her reverie and stretching her back.

"Don't apologize, you okay?"

"Yeah, I just need to sit down." She said. "this baby is brutal! Would you mind taking those gifts over to the table?"

"Yeah, no problem. You just get yourself comfortable"

"Thanks Fin." She smiled then went to sit down, Nick coming to approach her as she was with Amanda and Maureen, Maureen feeding Milo.

"God I miss that with Serena. She stopped 3 months ago when my milk changed and never looked back."

"Maybe she'll want to nurse again after the baby comes." Maureen said, looking down at Milo. "My friend Robin, her 2 year old and 8 month old were the same, now she has to contend with all 3!"

"Mani seems to be letting it go. Mainly a bedtime thing but Trey, my god he wants it nonstop when I get home."

"Mama, hab mik?" Trey said as he came over, leaning on Olivia and laughing as she played with his face while Mani was off with Serena showing Joanie her toy dog.

"See what I mean? Come on baby." She said and he gladly ran and climbed up on her lap.

"Excuse me ladies. Hey Liv, can I talk to you?" Nick said.

"Hey Nick." Maureen said with a smile.

"Hey. Liv?"

"Are you gonna help me up?" She said, Nick looking at Maureen funny.

"Oh, sorry." He said and helped her up, them walking away.

"Sometimes, I really wish that I wasn't married!" Maureen said with a grin on her face.

"What; Nick?" Amanda had a sour face.

"He's really good looking."

"_And I'm not married!_" Kathleen sang, smiling.

"..._and dad would kill you!_" Maureen sang back to her.

"Sorry to be the one to burst your bubble, Kathleen" Amanda said. "but he has a girlfriend and it's serious.

...

"If that damn McFlubbins doesn't get here with her crew…" Elliot said, dialing his phone.

"McStuffins."

"What?"

"You said McFlubbins and it's McStuffins, Doc McStuffins." Fin said and Elliot looked at him. "What? Between Serena, Mani, Trey and Ken's little one, I know stuff!" He said and Elliot laughed.

"I never could keep it all straight. How is Ken, by the way?" He got a busy signal and hung up.

"He's good, loving the west coast."

"That sounds like a plan, California. A house on the beach."

"Yeah, maybe in my dreams." Fin laughed.

"Wait grandma." Serena said and climbed off of Joanie's lap.

"Serena!" Joanie called but she kept on running across the room to Elliot and Fin.

"Hi uncle Fin." She smiled. "Daddy, I have to go potty!"

"Be right back Fin. Come on princess." He picked her up and hurried towards the bathroom.

* * *

"So what's so dire?" Liv said as she took a seat in the study, rubbing her belly.

"I wanted to ask you-" He pulled up a chair and sat down. "-a question."

"O-kay." She wondered what the question was as he was acting so strange.

"Do you really- what I mean is, do you-" He took a deep breath. "man this played out easier in my head."

"Nick, are you alright?"

"Yeah, I… Liv, are you sure that El is it? I mean, do you really, truly love him?" He asked and she smiled.

"What brought this on?"

"I don't know." But when she looked at him, a sweet knowing glance and he cracked. "I've just been thinking about Carolyn and me and I love her, I do, it just… how did you know it was right?"

"I guess part of me had always known since the day I met him." She smiled, remembering him at that desk. When he got up to introduce himself and shake her hand, she got this feeling. It wasn't love yet but she had definitely just met somebody that would become very important in her life. Suddenly, she shook off the memory, rejoining Nick. "How did you know with Maria?"

"That wasn't… we only got married because she was having Zara and you see how that turned out.

"Nick, if you love Carolyn; really love her, don't let go. You deserve to be happy! Now help me up, I really need to pee."

* * *

**Later that evening...**

Well, everybody's gone…" Elliot said as he came into their bedroom where Olivia was lying down and reading while Serena was asleep beside her. "Everything's been cleaned up, the dishwasher is loaded and running and now, I want some cuddle time with my favorite girls!" He said, climbing carefully onto the bed so he didn't wake the baby.

"We squeezed a lot into four hours today didn't we?"

"That we did." He said and kissed her.

"I just wish I could've stayed down for everything." She smiled. "But I'm glad I got to see her blow out her candles." She said as Serena snuggled up closer to her as she continued sleeping.

"Somebody's out cold!" He laughed at the baby, seeing her passed out.

"She had a big day today, turning two." Olivia said and stroked Serena's chubby little cheeks.

"Wait till she opens all those gifts tomorrow, she'll really have a big day."

"I'm sure she'll be beyond excited!" She said and sat up, the top of her gown letting her breast go free.

"You trying to entice me?"

"No, but it works!" She said laughing and kissed him. "Right now, I need some of that attention you were giving me in the kitchen earlier!" She reached over to the night table and put her book down as she undid his pants, kissing and stroking him to a hard on.

"Shit, that feels good!" He seethed at the feel of her hand on him and she smiled before she kissed him again, biting his lip. When she felt precum start to leak out, she took her thumb and rubbed it over the head of his penis before she climbed on top of him, quickly sinking down with a whimper as she started to ride him. They didn't get to do this as often as they liked now that she was on bed rest and tired all the time, and his size was always something she had to get used to as he grabbed her hips and started to move his. "You alright?" He asked, the sensations hitting him as hard as they were her. God he loved to be inside of her and wished that Serena wasn't sleeping beside them so he could let it out!

"Yes...keep going!" She moaned, her hands on his chest and made circles with her hips before she went up and down on his cock. And even though the sheer weight of her belly had her already feeling tired, she was determined to cum before she stopped and kept going.

As the feeling intensified, she wanted to cry out, _Oh my god!_ Wanted to scream his name but she couldn't with Serena in the room. Instead, she grabbed their headboard with one hand as she leaned on his chest with the other and bit her lip as she squeezed her eyes shut as she gripped his cock. He continued thrusting while he pulled her nipple.

They continued their love making; breathing hard and trying to be quiet, crashing their lips together to absorb each other's cries when it became too much but when she felt that orgasm, that wonderful feeling, when her toes began to curl and she felt herself start to shake as her muscles started to twitch. _Oh god oh god oh god! _"Elliot!" She cried in a whisper trying to catch her breath as she felt flushed all over and before she knew it, she erupted as it hit, shaking as wave after wave of pleasure so extreme took her, it bordered on painful as they came together and she collapsed beside him.

"Oh my god!" It came labored as she tried to regulate her breathing after such a mind-numbing climax that she was still feeling. And Elliot was equally speechless.

"You're going to be the death of me!" He said, flat on his back. She simply smiled, gave him a kiss and cuddled up next to him, fully sated and within seconds, was out! "Liv?" He called in a hushed tone before he realized that she was asleep. But he was still fully clothed, down to his shoes with the exception of his penis. Olivia's leg was thrown over him and she was comfortably nestled against him, sleeping soundly. He decided that he didn't want to disturb her so he carefully reached for the lamp and turned it off, kissed her head and settled in for the night.

* * *

**3 weeks later… **

"Carolyn, I gotta go!" Nick said and kissed her.

"This would be so much easier if we moved in together."

"Cari, we've talked about this."

"We haven't actually, I bring it up and you change the subject."

"Carolyn"

"Nick, I'm not rushing, or pushing you. But it's been two years… We've met each other's families; I've met your little girl. I just think it's time for us to have something more… solid, if we're going to continue this." She said and waited for him to respond; she was very disappointed when all she got was

"Baby, I'm gonna be late. I promise, we'll talk about this later!" He said and kissed her lips quickly and walked out the door, leaving her in bed and feeling pissed.

"What is it with you Amaro? You're gonna miss this if I take it somewhere else!" But out in the hall, he smiled, knowing that he had the ring and was going to surprise her tonight.

* * *

When she turned off the computer, having taken her last session with Dr. Lindstrom that morning, she felt like she had finally finished a long journey and she had. William and Harlan Lewis, all the men that she never thought she'd never get past for what they'd done to her; even Bronwyn. They had all once been so fresh in her mind, so painfully vivid! Their voices and smells, the feel of them and their bodies; their words. At one time, they were enough to break her and after her time with Harlan, she thought they would be forever, but she was wrong. She had so much in her life to be thankful for; so many truly remarkable people and Dr. Lindstrom had been just one but he had made such an impact.

Twenty minutes later, looking out the large, picturesque bedroom window, she was happy that she got to stretch her legs, even if it was only going to the bathroom. She looked out at the snow, sad that she didn't get to play with Serena in it this winter, having to settle instead for listening to her laughs as Elliot was out with her enjoying the snow and she was stuck in bed.

It was too quiet around here and she was literally counting the minutes until Elliot was back with her baby girl and she smiled as she felt more kicks as she sat with her hands on the top swell of her large belly and began to rub it in circles.

"You gotta come out sooner or later!" She said to the baby as she managed, with a struggle to stand, and after getting up from the chair, she stood there for a moment, catching her breath and was answered with a more kicks. Unlike Serena, this baby was taking a lot out of her. She was always tired and had gained significantly more weight this time around and the backaches and swelling were unreal! That, with her blood pressure that had been high almost since this pregnancy started, plus her having to be on bed rest for the last three months for borderline preeclampsia, she was definitely ready to get this over with!

_Any day now! _She thought as she waddled to their bed, getting in it as fast as a nine months pregnant woman could, and after some maneuvering with the pillows, she passed out the minute she got comfortable!

* * *

A lot had changed in two years, and since Olivia had decided not to come back and with Murphy itching to get out; it was Fin who'd stepped up, doing what he thought was right at the time and taking the sergeant's exam that year to become the new CO of SVU. And he'd done a damn good job at it too, easily falling into a leader's position, effortlessly Only now, the Lieutenant's exam was coming up in April of this year, and he wasn't exactly sure if he'll stay in a leadership position since he didn't want to take the exam.

This morning, he and Nick were sitting around his office, having nothing better to do since work was caught up and with it being a slow day, they just sat back and shot the breeze this cold February morning.

"I think I'm going in."

"Going in?" Fin asked, confused, to which Nick went in his pocket and sat a black velvet box on the desk that Fin reached out and picked up, opening it.

"I knew it!" He laughed. "Beautiful ring man! I told you a year ago that you would marry that girl!"

"Yeah, you were right."

"So when's the big moment gonna happen?"

"Tonight. I got it all planned!"

"You got a winner there Nick, don't fuck it up!" He said as he handed the ring back to Nick while looking out over the squad room. "Shit, here comes Dodds!" He quickly put on his serious voice. "I'll expect that report on my desk no later than 5! You can go Amaro."

"Chief." Nick said on his way out.

"Chief Dodds, to what do I owe the pleasure?"

* * *

"God, I cannot wait to get this baby out! Casey, I'm miserable."

"I know it's hard-"

"I've been in bed for three months, I'm about 2 seconds from going insane!"

"You'll be thankful when you're holding that beautiful new baby. Speaking of babies, how's my chunky?" She asked, referring to Serena. She had given her that nickname when she was just a little baby and was so fat and squishy. Now however, the weight had come off but the nickname still stuck.

"2 going on 20! She's so smart and beautiful, I'm just, I can't believe sometimes that she came out of me."

"Just like her aunt Casey! Anyway, I've got court in 15 minutes, you give her a big kiss for me, and hopefully, I'll see you guys in a week. I love you."

"You too." Olivia smiled and tossed the phone across the bed when she was done, sighing as she rubbed her stomach.

"Anybody home?" Elliot yelled jokingly as Serena came running to Olivia the second she and Elliot got upstairs.

"Mommy!" She yelled, her long dark pigtails swinging as she ran, immediately using her little staircase to climb onto the bed.

"Hi my love!" Olivia said as she leaned forward and hugged her tight, giving her a bunch of kisses. She still couldn't believe that this little girl was all hers as Serena hugged her tightly. "How was the doctor's?"

"Perfect. Isn't that right, Princess? She got a clean bill of health." Elliot said as he came into the room after locking the gate at the top of the stairs and bent to kiss Olivia's lips. "You okay?"

"I'm fine, just tired." She said as Elliot palmed her belly and leaned into it.

"Hey little man, mommy's ready for you to get out of there. I think it's time to leave." He said as the baby gave a series of big hard kicks and Serena, who loved to feel him moving just laughed as she felt him beneath her hands.

"Oh, Elliot don't." The baby whose kicks while welcome, were nothing short of painful, and always incited by Elliot talking to her belly. Always. She actually got bruises on several occasions as a result.

"Sorry babe." He apologized, rubbing her belly.

"Sorry mommy." Serena said. "Mommy, I did not get a needle!"

"You didn't?"

"No, and and look, I have a lollipop." Serena showed Olivia. "and I have one for you too." Serena said as she handed Olivia a red one like hers.

"Aw, thank you baby! But what about daddy?"

"He ate it in the car." She said, shrugging her shoulders and Olivia laughed.

"Oh did he?"

"Guilty." Elliot said.

"See mommy, Daddy is guilty!" She said as she kissed Olivia's belly before she turned to give Elliot a kiss. "I love you, Daddy!"

"I love you too, princess.

"And baby, and mommy, and mommy again!" She said as she leaned against Olivia and began hugging her stomach, trying to whisper to it. "_Hi brother!_" Olivia loved it when Serena played with and talked to her brother.

"Mommy twice?" Elliot pouted.

"No, three times." She said, kissing Olivia's belly. "I love mommy one more! Can I go play?"

"You can go play." Elliot smiled as she ran off to her little table and Elliot quickly sat on the bed with Olivia, moving a lock of her hair behind her ear. "You ever sorry that you married me?"

She shook her head 'no' as she looked into his eyes. "Not for a second. What about you, are you sorry that you asked me?"

"I'm just wondering why it took me so long; I should've done it years ago!" She smiled at his words as he leaned in and took her lips in a sweet kiss.

"Mommy, Daddy, come draw." Serena called to them.

"The princess calls."

"Well the queen is starving." She was rubbing her stomach. "You go ahead, I'm gonna go and get something to eat."

"No you're not, nice try. I'll get it." He said and went over to Serena. "Princess, you wanna come with me to get mommy a snack?"

"No, thank you!" The child sang while she continued coloring. "Daddy look, I made a bird!" She told Elliot and it was a good thing she cleared that up because the bird looked like a blob!

"Would you look at that!" He said, making Olivia grin as Serena ran to her with the drawing. "Be back." He said and lifted the baby onto the bed, kissing her before he left.

"Mommy, look!" She said excited as she showed it to her. "It is a bird."

"It sure is baby, look at that!"

"Mommy, can I have my birday again?" Serena asked.

"Well your birthday only comes once a year, and since it just came…"

* * *

Later, as Lizzie was in the living room, reading to Serena and Milo, Dickie and Maureen were in the kitchen helping Elliot prepare dinner, chopping up the ingredients for the salad while Elliot stirred the risotto and Maureen basted the chicken.

"Okay honey, see you in a little bit." Elliot said then put his phone in his back pocket, continuing to stir the risotto. "That was Kat, she and Eli will be here in about thirty minutes!"

"I'm just glad that she volunteered to pick up Eli. I hate driving from Jersey." Maureen said as she put the chicken back in the oven.

"So I guess Robert won't be making it?" Elliot said of Maureen's husband who was a doctor.

"Afraid not, he got tied up with a surgery."

"I tell you dad, I still can't believe you and Liv are having another baby." Dickie said as he chopped the tomatoes.

"Okay, where did that come from? And I'm gonna regret this, but why?" Maureen said as she laughed.

"Because, that means they're still having sex!" He said with a shiver and Maureen laughed.

"Lots of it." Elliot grinned.

"Dad, that's gross!" They both cringed as Elliot's phone rang. He took it from his pocket and looked at the screen, amused to see that it was Liv calling from upstairs.

"Need help getting out of the tub?" He signaled Maureen to keep an eye on the risotto before he left the kitchen.

"No, I'm out...and I made a mess."

"A mess huh?" He said as he walked into the living room, kissing Milo and Serena who were so enthralled in the book that Elizabeth was reading that they barely paid him any attention.

"El, my water broke!"

"Your wa-" He quickly hung up the phone and ran upstairs to the bedroom while Elizabeth looked on and Serena spoke up.

"No running in the house daddy."

"Sorry Princess." He yelled as he ran by. "Liv, baby, are you in pain?" He asked as he burst in the bedroom and made his way over to the chair where she was sitting, trying to put on her Uggs. He noticed that she was sitting in sweats with a zip up jacket and he dropped down to put on her shoes.

"The contractions haven't started yet. El, I'm scared."

"Listen to me, I'm gonna be right there by your side the entire time. I don't want you to worry." He said and kissed her head. "you just concentrate on getting this baby here, alright? We're gonna do this together now let's get your shoes on, I'll clean up the fluid and we'll get to the hospital, okay?"

"Okay, but El…"

"Yeah babe?"

"Can we eat dinner first? I really want some risotto!" She said, looking slightly embarrassed but meaning every word.

"You want a plato ng risoto? Ngayon kung paano ay na gonna tumingin kung Harlan ay bumalik?"

"What the hell, are you speaking? Thai?"

"Filipino, ngunit iyan ay sa tabi ng point. mataimtim, ikaw gotta isip tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay!"

"Elliot?"

"El!" She called. "Elliot...!" Louder and more urgent and finally opened her eyes to the dark of the room. She let out a deep, shaky breath when she realized she was dreaming again and threw the covers back, attempting to get up and looking around slowly. "This isn't…" She said but quieted herself when it suddenly came back to her; she was in the right place! She ran her hands through her hair and moved to stand up, as soon as she did, the baby kicked her quite hard and sent her reaching for her stomach as she held on to the wall by the bed, taking deep breaths as she tried to soothe it.

"You're so active now!" She whispered to the baby, careful that she wasn't loud enough to wake Harlan if he was indeed here. She simply couldn't take him forcing her tonight, although there wasn't much physical force used, just mental; she'd given up fighting in her third month after he found her with the scalpel and beat her so badly she lay bleeding and cramping horribly for three days, praying that she'd lose the baby and die with it but she didn't. Somehow the baby stayed with her and though she cried, over time she grew to accept it and by the time she felt those first kicks, she knew that this was her baby and she had to protect it but how? She was a slave to Harlan and all of his sick tendencies; she couldn't help herself and now she was charged with this innocent little life.

She winced at the pain in her head before she stood up as straight as she could, keeping her hand on her belly. She was feeling nauseous in addition to the headache and thought she'd throw up. Standing by the bed, she hadn't moved, not sure if she could as sick as she was feeling and slowly sat back down.

Why was she still having such dreams after so many months; _almost nine _she thought as she rubbed her belly; the nightgown she wore barely fitting as it was now stretched taut across her stomach, her navel poking out. She never thought that the baby would survive all of the forced sex and beatings she'd endured over the months but yet somehow, here she was, she thought as she rubbed her bump.

"Still think it's a girl?" Beach house asked.

"Yeah" Liv answered "I do." She whispered but it was still only her guess and she smiled briefly. Five more weeks by her count and she'd be giving birth to this baby just to lose her. When she thought about it, she got so upset that she needed to walk and rose up rather quickly, a very bad idea she found out seconds later when she got an unmistakable urge and ran as fast as her now limp leg could carry her and dropped to her hands and knees in front of the toilet and began vomiting, quickly heaving the contents of her stomach.

She caught her breath and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand. She didn't mean to let them but tears fell from her eyes and dropped down her face. So much was going through her mind and her tears inadvertently got the best of her. She sat back against the wall, hands trembling from her fear though she tried to control it but, she was scared and as more tears flowed... "...why am I here?" She cried, protectively holding her baby. The baby, as if knowing started to kick her softly, as if talking to her, telling her to hold on.

"I've tried little one, I've tried so hard!" She cried when suddenly she felt something leaking out from between her legs and when she looked and saw amniotic fluid… "No! No no no! Oh god!"

"That's…" Sealview started

"My waters breaking!" She cried, truly scared. This wasn't happening, this couldn't be happening. "God please!" But she soon found out that god wasn't quite listening when heard the locks on the bedroom door and her heart sank as she cradled her belly as she tried quickly to get up. Why couldn't her dreams be reality and he be dead? She'd killed him twice in her dreams, she'd settle for once in real life.

"Darlin, where the hell are you?" He said, drunk out of his mind as she struggled to stand."Come on and get this dick, if I gotta chase youuuu!" He said and began laughing at himself.

"I'm here." It came simply, flat. No emotion. As she held back her tears. She wouldn't keep him waiting. He'd get so angry-

"When I call you, you better git yer ass to me, pronto!" He yelled as he gripped her hair from behind.

"I can't walk as fast-" She started but she was quickly thrown on the bed and he was on her.

"Did I say speak? Mmm, god you sure look good!" He said as she felt his disgusting hands travel her belly then painfully grab her breasts as he stuck his tongue in her mouth and kissed her while he harshly pinched her nipples and she squirmed. More fluid was leaking down her legs and she prayed that he was too drunk to notice. He finally let go of her nipples and wet stains ran down the front of her gown but he gave no care as he ripped her gown and still with her hair in a grip, he forced her on her hands and knees and she started to really cry. Bracing herself for this intrusion, it was just too painful!

"Harlan, plea-" But it was short lived as he brutally began fucking her and as she cried and tried to take it, she prayed to endure until it was finished!

* * *

**I know. Feel free to curse me.**

.


	64. Endings and Beginnings

**Chapter 64. Sorry for the wait, but it's been hectic with Christmas. I know this wasn't the ending that a lot of you had hoped for but, it is what it is! So on that note, while I apologize, I'm not sorry. It's the last of the series and I wanna say thanks to everyone who read this story and everyone who will read this story. It's been fun but everything has an ending and it's here for this story. As always, Dick Wolf owns, hope you enjoyed.**

* * *

.

He didn't know how much strength he used in his drunken state and it ended with her almost passing out! He kept right on fucking her though, never one to have his party spoiled and he felt like a real big man when he made her cum.

Depending on his level of drunkenness, it would determine the severity of the fucking that she'd have to endure. Just slightly buzzed and it would be normal. He'd slap her around a bit to get himself in the mood and then he'd take her, usually face up until he tired himself then he'd get up and go. When he was bit more drunk, he'd call her Johnnie Lee while he made het get on top of him. He'd make her fuck him until he realized who she was, then he'd hit her hard enough to knock her over and leave. But when he was really drunk like he was tonight, then the hate fuck would come. He'd be unrelenting! Choking her to the point of almost passing out while he fucked her, usually with such force that she'd wish for a break from consciousness! Often, when he was done and collapsed beside her, sleeping off the drink, she'd be bruised and bloodied and she'd wonder what her face must look like. That was what she was getting now. The really drunk treatment, only he didn't hit her yet, thankfully, though she was counting in her head, the minutes until he'd pass out this time! She was in so much pain; this pregnancy hadn't been an easy one, and sex, it was like torture on an already tortuous situation but what choice did she have?

She had already collapsed under her own weight, coupled with his, and now she lay sideways, almost on her belly and being pressed into the mattress with his hands around her neck so tight, she could barely breathe! She wanted so badly to grab his hands to ease the pressure but she knew not to. He'd stop before she lost consciousness, she knew he would. Even in his inebriated state, since she's started showing, he would always stop but right now, there was no reprieve in sight and he was fucking her so deep that she felt something leaking and prayed that she wasn't leaking fluid. Deciding that she'd rather be bleeding again than to have him know that her water had broken.

"Look at me, you can do this." Elliot smiled to her as he held her hand from where he sat on the floor. He was right there, by her side, and stroking her hair so gently.

"You're here!" She said in tears.

"I'm always here, Liv." He was looking at her with so much love, she forgot about the pain that Harlan was causing her and instead focused on Elliot and his hand that gripped hers so tightly.

"I think the baby's coming. El I'm scared!"

"Hey, hey. None of that. You're Benson, remember?"

"I haven't been Benson in almost 9 months." She cried.

"You'll always be Benson!"

"Don't leave me!" She begged. "Please don't leave me!"

"I won't leave you Liv; I'll never leave you again."

"El…" She cried as she squeezed his hand. "...if it's a boy, he's gonna kill me!" She whispered through her tears.

"It's okay baby, I'm right here."

"Tell me about us, about our babies."

"Well, you know that Serena is smart, and she's sweet and so beautiful! She's just like you!" Olivia smiled when he said that. "You're teaching her French already."

"is she any good at it?"

"She's a beautiful genius like her mother so of course she's doing well. She can almost count to 20!" He smiled. "But right now, you're just waiting for our baby boy…" She suddenly jerked back to reality when Harlan rammed her so hard, it took her breath away while his hold around her neck tightened.

She let out a pitiful cry, the pain was so bad and she wanted even more now to grab at his hands. "I can't breathe!" She choked out but he didn't stop. Instead he continued to go harder and she was in agony, barely able to catch her breath. "Oh god, Harlan I can't...!"

Suddenly, there it came, a growl so guttural it shook the walls as he came inside her. "Thats right bitch. You take it all!" He yelled drunkenly as he prodded deeper; leaving bruises along her hip and neck as he held her there, tight to be sure that not a drop was wasted. He didn't care about what pain he was causing her. Holding her until he'd completely emptied inside her, then just like that, he released his grip and fell beside her unconscious, drunk and snoring while she tried to recover from this latest brutalization. She inhaled, deep breaths, careful that she didn't wake him as she lay there beside him in tears.

"Harlan…" She whispered in tears and so afraid that he'd answer, but when he didn't, she called him again, this time louder to be sure. "H-Harlan…" She knew then that he was out and she felt him soften inside her. But she knew that even then it would be hard. It hurt so bad when he or any of them pulled out of her and even worse at times like this when they'd pass out and she had to disengage them herself. She held the underside of her belly and closed her eyes. _It's okay. _She told herself as she lay there and braced for the pain, moving quickly to get off him out of her but when she did, her water broke completely and came out all over the bed as she had her first contraction. It wasn't one that she'd heard about either; no, this completely took her breath away. She fell back down to the mattress from the strength of the pain and grabbed a fist full of the blanket and sheets as she tried to breathe.

"Oh god!" She whispered. "Help me!"

...

Meanwhile, Elliot was in his home office on a phone call when he heard a scream from he and Olivia's bedroom.

"_No, please!"_

"Brock, I'll call you back!" He said and hung up, not waiting for an answer. He quickly ran, knocking over the books that were sitting on the corner of his desk, but he didn't even look back at them as he hurried upstairs, passing Serena's door on the way. She was still asleep, he noticed as he passed by and hurried to he and Liv's room.

She jerked awake, suddenly with a start. Tense and gasping for air and she nervously looked around the dark room for some familiarity as Elliot ran in and turned on the bedside lamp. "Liv?" Seeing as soon as he did that she was in a cold sweat. "You're okay." But she cried as she threw herself into his arms, trembling and in tears as she held him tight. "Baby, you're shaking!"

"Don't let go!"

"I won't let go." He whispered softly to her while he sat stroking her between her shoulder blades in an attempt to calm her down. "I'm right here."

"It was so real!" She cried, there against him. She hadn't had one of these dreams in over a year but even then, they never felt so genuine.

"It's okay, you're safe now" He kissed her sweat-soaked forehead. "You're safe, I promise!"

"I woke up in that house and it felt so real, I could smell it; I could feel it! I was at the end of my pregnancy with Serena and I was in that room. It was damp and cold and I woke up and I had dreamed you! I had dreamed my escape, I was still there with Harlan and I felt all those feelings I hadn't felt in so long! He was alive El, his hands were all over me and he threw me down and…"

"Shhhh, it's okay. You're here and I'm real, Serena's real and so is this little big one." He said. "You didn't imagine it. It was just a dream, baby."

She nodded, suddenly feeling better, her fear subsiding. Damn, why did this dream freak her out like this? Maybe it was because after all this time, she still hadn't quite managed to put Harlan away. She remembered after Serena was born and she insisted to Elliot that she absolutely had to, needed to see him. She had to be sure that he was dead this time, and when she saw him, saw his lifeless body lying there in that cold morgue, lifeless and full of holes, a part of her rejoiced right along with the other part of her that cried. He was dead, he wouldn't ever harm her or anyone ever again. And now, 2 whole years later, a part of her mind hadn't let go. She was close to having this second baby any day now and a part of her worried _what if? _She'd give birth to this baby, this little boy who would one day grow up to be a man and it scared her! What if for all her love and teaching...

"Liv?" He called when she appeared lost somewhere in her thoughts and she immediately came out of them. Feeling Elliot against her, the warmth of his skin, hearing his breath. She put a hand to her belly as she lay back down against the pillows.

"I'm fine. Lay with me?" She didn't have to ask him twice as he right away climbed into bed with her. She shifted right away and ending up with her head on his chest as he held her in his arms.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah. I'm just feeling your son; he's really kicking me." She smiled faintly, though inside, she felt stuck. She couldn't exactly talk to Elliot about what she was feeling, she didn't want him thinking that after all this time she'd relapsed back into _that_ pattern of thinking, that wasn't it at all; but she was really feeling anxiety at what the future held for her son and she was worried that Elliot wouldn't understand those fears. But for now she let herself be drawn away from the nightmare and she found something good to focus on and take her mind away from those thoughts. And with Elliot's hand on her belly, feeling his son so avidly moving about, she felt safe again.

"Man, he's strong isn't he? I thought you hated it when he kicked like this."

"I do, but if it wakes me from a nightmare I'll welcome it!" She said, settling against him, deciding to concentrate on the positive things in her life and there were so many! She wouldn't have doubt cast on that by odd fears and weird pregnancy dreams she thought as she kissed her beautiful husband and snuggled closer against him.

* * *

Later that evening upstairs, Eli had gotten there to spend the weekend a couple hours ago and he and Serena were lying in bed with Elliot and Olivia. Eli lay across the bed playing a video game while Serena lying across Elliot's lap with her feet in Olivia's while Olivia read to her from her favorite book for the second time that night.

"...He picked her up in his arms and very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while he rocked her he sang: _I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living…"_

"_My baby you'll be_." Serena said with excitement as Olivia tickled her feet. No matter how many times she heard that story, it made her so happy. Almost as happy as it made Elliot emotional, he was wiping his eyes.

"Don't cry daddy!" She said and kissed him.

"I'm not, there's something in my eye…"

"Silly daddy! Daddy, will you love me forever?"

"Forever and a day, princess. What about you, will you love me forever?"

"Yes and we love mommy together!" She said as she sat up and gave Olivia a big kiss.

"Now wait a second, why does mommy get all the love?"

"Because she's mommy!" Serena laughed.

"You heard her, _I'm_ mommy!" Olivia said, with a laugh.

"Mommy, when the baby comes can he sleep in my bed?"

"Not for a long time."

"Why?"

"Because he's a baby. Duh, you'll probably kill him!" Eli said and went back to playing his video game.

"Eli!" Olivia called, ready to chasten him but Elliot quickly stepped in, angrily. Serena looked at Eli with a scowl, then completely ignoring him, turned back to Olivia, playing with the locks of hair that were hanging from the loose ponytail that her hair was thrown into.

"You don't say things like that to her or anybody for that matter; what's wrong with you?"

"I'm only joking."

"Only jo-? Give me the game. Now, go to your room. Bed, early!"

"But dad…"

"Go!" Eli gave a grunt before he got up, said goodnight to Olivia then headed to his room, slamming the door behind him while Olivia just looked at Elliot. "Don't!"

"What? I didn't say anything."

"But you were thinking it; I can read your mind."

"If you can read my mind, then you already know what I'm gonna say next."

"I'm already going!" He said as he got up and kissed Olivia. "I'll be back."

"Mommy, is Eli in trouble?"

"No baby, daddy's just a little upset that's all."

"Oh." She said before she lay gently on Olivia's stomach and listened. "Mommy, he is not kicking!"

"He's a little tired, baby."

"I'm not a baby, I'm a big girl mommy, remember? I'm two years old!"

Olivia smiled and got weepy as she stroked Serena's hair while she lay across her stomach. Serena was right, she was somewhat of a big girl now. She used the bathroom like a big girl and was sleeping in a big girls bed now. She hated to admit it, but Serena was growing up right in front of them!

She remembered when the commissioner called that day in June to see if she was still thinking about retiring, she wanted to say yes, had even decided on it, but when the choice was actually in front of her, she wondered if she could actually do it. When she thought about how she came to be and how she thought for a long time that her own daughter came to be, and when she thought of so many victims out there that were just like her, she had serious doubts about it all. She told the commissioner that she wanted to come back to SVU but slowly. And when Serena was 6 months old, she started on a part time basis to see if she could in fact, handle it. but it didn't take her even a week to see that her heart just wasn't in this anymore! She'd spend every minute of the day worrying about her daughter, if she thought that maybe mommy had abandoned her; she never thought that this would be Olivia Benson, abandoning work and wanting to be at home but it was. She wanted to be at home with her child, and she didn't regret it for one minute when she told the commissioner and the brass and put in her papers; for her it was time. Now, she looked at her baby; her big girl, and she couldn't believe that 2 years had already passed.

"You know what Serena? You're absolutely right." Olivia said as she picked her up. "You're a big girl now."

"I am?" She said and gave a big yawn. It was a little past her bedtime of 7:30 and she was definitely feeling tired.

"You are, Sleepyhead. but how about I call you baby for just a while longer? I'm not ready for you to be a big girl just yet."

"But am I still a big girl, mommy?" Serena asked. Olivia smiled at her before she answered, Serena was so much like herself when she was younger, so much like her mom, even looking like her.

"Yes, you're still a big girl, baby." She said and hugged her tight, giving her a bunch of kisses as Serena laughed. "...and it's past your bedtime."

"Can we read the story again?"

"Serena, aren't you tired of it?" She knew she was tonight. But serena looked at her and shook her head. "Well, I suppose we can read it one more time before you go to sleep." She relented as she wondered what happened to _The Velveteen Rabbit? _it used to be Serena's favorite up until six months ago. "Why don't you come on and get comfortable?"

* * *

Over at Amanda's, she was in her robe, saying goodbye to Fin at the door. He thought he'd be staying the night but a call interrupted those plans just as he and Amanda were starting round three. Not wanting to, he got up and got dressed and now as he stood there at the door...

"You know, we gotta come out to everyone sooner or later." He said.

"I know, it's just…right now, it's hard. You understand. I can't expose us yet when I don't know if..."

"Hey; it's cool. I know you're still dealing with your feelings for Darrell and I'm willing to let you work them out. Just, don't take too long." Suddenly, he had her pushed against the door, roaming her lips with his, trying to inhale her through his kiss. When he finally pulled away, she was left dazed as she stood there. "I'll call you later." He smiled.

She nodded, speechless as he left. She honestly hadn't felt that way since Darrell. She closed the door and locked it, wondering just when the hell she and Fin went from friends to- more? He had been there with her through her pregnancy, but so had Nick and Olivia. She guessed that it started to change though when the babies were born and Fin was there. It was nothing that they would have put a name on right then, but there had definitely been a shift in their relationship; they just didn't know what it was. And over the course of the last year…

Then one night about 2 months ago, she still doesn't know what it was but he kissed her, and and she ended up on top of him. They didn't know what they were doing or calling it, but that night, Fin gave her the fuck of her life! And now, 2 months later, they've adopted a routine of him coming over at night when work allows it. And after they put the babies to bed, he usually stays till morning when he can and is out the door before the babies wake up. No one knows about them yet and until recently, she was good with it that way but now…

It's not love; yet; at least she doesn't think so. Fin and her have been through a lot as friends, maybe it was natural for them to take this step. But she'll worry about that later as she hears Trey stirring over the monitor and she headed off to get him before he woke Mani.

...

"So, Amanda huh?" Nick asked Fin as the two arrived at the hospital.

"Amanda? What you talkin about?"

"Don't give me that! You think I haven't been payin attention? She may not work with us anymore but I know what I know."

"You're crazy!" Fin laughed nervously.

"Uh huh. Dude, I saw you leaving her apartment at 6 in the morning yesterday when I was on my way to work."

"So."

"So? Look me in the eye and tell me that doesn't mean anything." Fin turned around to look at him but was at a loss for words.

"Who else knows?"

"Why would you-"

"You told Liv didn't you?"

"A little."

"A li- man I hate you so much right now!" He said as they stepped onto the elevator.

* * *

The next morning, Elliot opened his eyes to be greeted by Serena standing at his bedside smiling.

"Good morning daddy." She tried to whisper and failed, standing there in her little nightgown with her long curly hair all loose and wild.

"Good morning princess." What are you doing up so early?"

"I'm hungry."

"Well, we can't have that, now can we?" He said, kissing Olivia's sleeping form. She was now curled around her body pillow and he hated to wake her, opting against it as he started to get up.

"Nope!"

"What do you say we go and make my famous French toast?" He asked as he finally got up, Serena so excited as she held out her arms eagerly and he picked her up.

"What about mommy?"

"How about we let mommy sleep a little longer? You know, Mommy's growing your brother and that takes a lot of energy."

"Daddy, can we have strawberries too?"

"Can't have French toast without strawberries!"

"We are going to make mommy some, right?"

"We will, princess. Don't worry." He said as he kissed her cheek. "Hey, you wanna wake Eli?"

"No. I wanna cook just us!" She said as she hugged him and they continued out of the room and down the hall.

* * *

"Well, Kathy just came for Eli, Serena is gone with Amanda for the next three hours and we have the place to ourselves!" Elliot said as he sat down on the bed behind Liv who was doing a crossword.

"Elliot; you moved my pillows; they were really comfortable the way I had them!" She complained as she turned her head around towards him, momentarily abandoning her crossword puzzle.

"I thought you'd rather lean against me!" He smiled as he put his arms around her middle, but she simply turned her head around to him for a split second and rolled her eyes as she went back to her puzzle.

"I'd rather have my pillows!" She mumbled. "Babe, what's an 8 letter word for- oh, never mind- Virulent." She said, her glasses perched on the tip of her nose and looking so adorable. Not even bothering to glance at him.

"You really enjoy driving me crazy, don't you?"

"Only as much as you enjoy moving my pillows!" She put the paper down as he began kissing her, his hands moving to gather the fabric at the hem of her night gown, but she quickly stopped him. "Elliot, baby no. There's so much pressure down there, it's unreal!"

"Pressure? Are you-?"

"No, it would be welcome though. My back, my legs; there's so much tension, I feel like everything's just gonna fall out if I even move and you come in here and move my pillows!"

"I'm sorry. But, I know what would make you feel better."

"If you say sex-"

"I was going to say back massage." He smiled. "and besides, after the way I gave it to you last night..."

"You are so like a teenager sometimes!"

"You kidding? Were you not there?! I didn't know your legs could still go back that far, holy shit!"

"Yeah, it was great! El, I can't get comfortable!" She complained, at this point more concerned about her discomfort than the amazing time they had last night.

"You're really kicking me out?"

"Not out; just...away from me." He kissed her cheek and got up, resetting the many pillows she had behind her. "Thank you baby."

"Comfy?" He said as he finished with her pillows and climbed in bed, sitting beside her.

"Close enough." She was starting to relax a little, when the baby started to move around and Elliot looked closely at her belly to get a better view at him. He was really extending his arms and legs in there and El and Liv watched him, amazed. "Look at that!"

"You should try feeling it!"

"I'll take your word. What is he doing in there?" They watched the baby push both feet out at the top of her swell then quickly retreat and simmer down.

"Looking for space!" She said then put her hands to her belly to calm the baby. "Don't worry, Fin. Just a little longer and you'll be out in this great big world with all the room you'll need." Elliot let his hand join hers, their wedding rings, so beautiful in how they shined together from their fingers, as he roamed her belly.

"Speaking of, we sure about his name?"

"We are keeping his name! I think it'll be adorable when he's a baby and distinctive when he grows up."

"If you say so."

"I do. And it's not like I can name him Elliot, that's already taken." She said and kissed him. "I still can't believe I'm having another baby. Your baby, and it's a boy!"

"You still nervous?"

"I'm terrified! I tore so badly giving birth to Serena and this little guy is much bigger!"

"You'll do fine baby."

"Says you. You won't be trying to push him out."

"If I could-"

"Sure you would!"

"You know, I'm thinking we could still get number three in there after this one's born if-"

"Elliot, are you seriously trying to entice me with another baby when I'm highly uncomfortable with this one? Besides, we've talked about this, no number three." She said, rubbing her belly.

"But we didn't _decide_."

"You didn't decide. I decided nine months ago. I'm so thankful to have this little guy and even more thankful that he's healthy but we didn't plan to have this baby and we're certainly not planning the next. I'm done."

"Come on Liv, just think about it, what's one more?"

"It's one more that we probably can't get pregnant with in the first place and even if by some chance we did, it's one more that you don't have to stay home to raise, Elliot. You get to go to work everyday."

"Baby, you chose this. You wanted to be a full time mother, you decided to work at home for Serena."

"And I will never regret that. I'm happy I get the choice to stay home and raise my kids but two is enough. Besides, in case you didn't notice, we aren't getting any younger. If I left it to you, I'd be popping them out till I'm dry. I'm not trying to be 60 and still raising babies."

"How about we talk about it later?"

"El baby, I love you but you really gotta do something about your hearing problem… " He was about to speak when his phone suddenly rang.

"Yeah, Stabler? What? No, no. Don't do anything, I'm on my way!"

"You're on leave!"

"I'm sorry babe. It's an emergency that I have to tend to."

"It's okay. Just hurry back."

"I will. I'm gonna call Lisa to come over, I'll try to get back as soon as I can!"

* * *

"Are you sure you're okay?" Lisa asked Olivia as she slowly turned to her right side, breathing heavy from the weight of her large belly "You look like you're in pain!"

"I'm fine, I just…" And she let out a deep breath as she sank down against her pillows. "I hope Elliot gets back soon, I feel like I'm about to start labor."

"Oh, please don't say that." Lisa prayed.

"Relax, I think we have time!" But she suddenly gripped Lisa's hand as she closed her eyes and blew out a slow, deep breath.

"Mrs. Stabler?"

"It's okay. I get these little twinges since I woke up, they're just bordering on painful now. And It's Olivia, please."

"Olivia, how often are you having these twinges?"

"Lisa, I'm not in labor. It's just the pressure I was telling you about. I'd know if it was labor."

"Maybe not. I know from my sisters that every labor, just like every pregnancy; it's different."

"I'm fine. Stop worrying." She said. "Can you help me up? I need to pee."

"Okay, just…" She said as she took Olivia by the hand. "Easy." She gently pulled her up to a standing position and Olivia stumbled a little, holding onto her for support. "I got you." But Olivia looked at her with worry on her face as her water broke and began flowing out of her.

"Lisa…" She cried, scared.

"Believe me now?"

* * *

"I'm on my way baby. You stay calm and I'll see you at the hospital… Okay. And Liv, I love you! See you soon." Elliot said and hung up, putting his phone back in his pocket.

* * *

"Just got a call from El, Liv's on her way to the hospital!" Fin announced to Nick as he came into the squadroom from his office.

"The baby?"

"On his way, sounds like he'll be here soon too!"

"I'll go by after I leave Barba's office."

"I should be outta here early today so I'll see you there."

"Sarge" One of the new hires, Det. Blum approached Fin. "We got a problem!" He said, sounding extremely nervous as he lead Fin to the interview room while Nick left.

* * *

"Come on baby, you're almost there!" Elliot said as he stood by her side, holding her hand while looking down at what was happening. Their baby was coming and he was beside himself with joy; any minute now, they'd have a new baby, a new life and he couldn't wait!

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" She yelled in the middle of a push. She didn't mean to curse him, but the pain was real! It had only been a little past seven hours since her water had broken and her contractions started; a pittance compared to when she had Serena but, like Serena, her labor was strong. Unlike Serena's however, the pushing phase was moving s-l-o-w, way too slow for her tastes, and the pain was nothing short of shocking! So far, she had been pushing for almost 2 hours and she was giving up. She considered it a small blessing when again, the contraction died down to give her a small but welcome rest, which she used to lie back and catch her breath. "So help me god, you are never touching me again!" She said while he lovingly stroked her sweat ravaged hair away from her face and kissed her sweetly.

"Noted."He smiled, a hand on her cheek.

"It hurts so much!"

"We just gotta do like we-"

"We? You are not going through this! You get on this table and push a person out of your body, then we'll talk about 'we'!" She barked then started to cry. "I want it over, I wanna hold my baby; El, I've been pushing for so long!"

"I know Baby, and I promise, he'll be here soon and you can hold him, and-"

"Oh god!" She wailed when the contractions started again.

"I'm right here baby!" She took his hand and squeezed it for dear life as she took in a breath. Then, with Elliot's help she sat up.

"His head's crowning honey, big push!" The doctor said amidst Olivia's cries.

"God, you said that already; I want him out!" She sobbed as she pushed with all her might.

"That's it, that's it Olivia. Keep it going!"

"You're doing so good baby, so-"

"Please shut up." She cried.

"Mommy, look at your boy." The nurse smiled as she held Olivia's other leg. The baby was coming out. After two hours, he was really finally coming but Olivia was having none of it. After two hours of pushing, she was exhausted and in so much pain. She didn't want to look. At this point, she didn't want anything but for the doctor to get him out and the pain to stop. She didn't even think she wanted to hold him.

"Just get him out, please! Oh my god!" She said through more deep groans and pushing.

"Olivia, honey I don't want you to push, okay? You're starting to tear and we're going to have to cut." The doctor said. To say this frightened Olivia was an understatement!

"El!"

"It's alright baby." Was the last thing he said to her before he vanished. The doctor, the nurses, Elliot, the hospital. Everything disappeared and she was suddenly in her room, in that bed. Her mom was there, holding her hand and wiping her brow. And though she knew in her head that she was just imagining her like she usually did, just thinking of her mother gave her comfort as she strained through the agony of another contraction, and let out a long, pained cry. With the pain she was feeling, and getting weaker with every hour, she couldn't think of anything else except these contractions. She knew that she'd never done this before, but something was wrong.

"Breathe sweetie!" Serena said as she held her hand. Olivia lay on her side clutching the sheets as she tried to calm herself and get through it but she couldn't see or think straight.

"Mom…" She cried.

"Sweetie, you have to hold on." She said as she stroked her face, moving her hair back but Olivia just groaned in pain.

"No it's; it's coming out! Oh god, Mom, I can't do this!"

"You can, you're strong and I've got you. Do you hear me? Now come on, you've got to push!" Her mother said urgently as Olivia slowly turned to get on her back as her mother held her. "Now sweetheart, come on, you can do it!" She said as Olivia gave an earsplitting cry while she pushed with everything she had, holding her knees.

"That's it Olivia, you're doing good!"

"Oh god mom it hurts!"

* * *

Meanwhile Harlan was downstairs, drinking whiskey as he listened to her cries for help. "She's talking to herself again!" He smirked as he drained his glass. "Well let her, as long as it gets my boy here!"

_Harlan please, I can't do this!_

It came loudly from up the stairs. "Sounds like she's in a fuckload a hurt!" He laughed, almost tempted to run up there and see but that was women's work. He'd slapped her good when he'd been woken up by her noise only to find out that her time had come. Early it was, but finally, his boy was coming. And as he got up and prepared to leave her in the room all alone, she literally begged him to get her some help but he just walked on, letting her know that the door wouldn't open again until he heard the baby's cries, and god help her if it wasn't a boy!

So far, he'd been sitting around the house for hours hearing her go through the agony of bringing his child into the world while he'd tried for hours to get Bronwyn but so far, no luck. All he could do in the meantime was to laugh, and when her cries got to a point that her couldn't hear himself think, he'd go up, bang on the door and demand that she _shut the hell up, or else! _That would last usually 10 minutes at most and then she'd be right back to screaming from the pain and begging him.

"That's the beauty darlin', you just gotta grin and bear it!" He hollered as he poured himself another drink.

* * *

An hour later...

"Olivia, you can't give up darling. PUSH!" Serena held both her hands, letting her squeeze as much as she wanted.

"I'm trying, I swear!" She cried weakly. She was trying so hard to push the baby out but it wasn't working. She was too exhausted, too frail and no matter how bad it hurt, no matter how much she cried out at the pain, or how badly she wanted for it to be over, she couldn't get the baby to come. Maybe this was for the best, she thought. She couldn't keep the baby, boy or girl no matter how bad she wanted it. Harlan had already made plans for it eventuality. But still, she wanted this baby more than she wanted her freedom! She'd grown to love this baby over the months, so much and although she knew that she couldn't keep it, she wished. Every day she'd talk to it; she'd sit in the corner and tell him or her how much she loved them, reminding herself and the child that they wouldn't be together for much longer but that the world was still a good place. She'd tell it all the hopes and dreams she had for it in spite of how she got pregnant. Maybe if the tables had been turned and she had gotten out of here, she could have had an abortion; even grown to hate this baby but life had other plans. Now she couldn't imagine life without it even though either way… But she had to believe that either way this swung, he or she would be okay. Even if she wasn't around to see it. She had to believe that in spite of this terrible lot that she'd been cast into, there was still good in this world. She couldn't give birth believing that there wasn't, what hope would she have then?

She pushed again as hard as she could but she was so tired. And when she leaned back and felt for her mother, there was nobody there. "Mom?" She called out in her delirium. "Mother…? Oh god don't leave me... Mother!" She was sobbing at this point, utterly exhausted from the labor and needing her mother's comfort even if she had only imagined it. Suddenly, she felt a pain worse than the others and she screamed for Harlan to help her but he didn't come; he wouldn't until this baby was born and according to this pain, it would be soon!

"Harlan; please!" She cried, the baby was coming out. Praying that it would be over, she grabbed her legs, holding them as they shook and she pushed through a blood curdling scream as the baby slid out head first onto the mattress under her. She was small, 5 and ½ pounds and Olivia had collapsed to take a few breaths when she noticed that the baby wasn't crying at all! She hurried to pick up the blue, blood covered child that lay so still between her legs and that's when she noticed the umbilical cord wrapped tightly around the baby's neck.

"No." came her tears as she quickly undid the cord and brought the baby, a girl to her chest "No no no!" She cried as she tried to clean her mouth and nose with her own fingers and mouth but it was no use. "Please…" She cried as she turned her and rubbed her back. "Please cry; please!" She begged the baby who just lay there, limp in her arms.

The moment then was even more surreal than all of the past 35 weeks as she cradled her daughter against her chest and just let loose, screaming all the pain and misery she'd been through. All of the rapes and beatings and all the hope she'd put into this baby. She was supposed to be her salvation, the one thing in the world that would make sense of all this. The one thing who would make all of this seem like somehow she'd get through it; she was to find respite in this child and now, just that fast she was gone and Olivia's heart broke in that moment.

She screamed her cries as she held her, rocking back and forth. The baby was still attached to her but she didn't care. She just lost her whole world!

* * *

Downstairs Harlan had had enough of her noise and was on his way upstairs to shut her up when suddenly the door burst open and he found himself face down on the floor with guns pointed at his head, being handcuffed. The FBI had gotten a tip that Olivia was being held in that house and in no time they were everywhere. But when the lead agent heard those terrible cries coming from upstairs, he hurried upstairs, his gun drawn and he reached the door, hearing her even louder and it broke his heart.

He had no idea what was happening but he knew that he had to get to her and as the men approached the top of the stairs, one of them holding the key, he shot the locks on the door and burst inside to see her there. He froze the moment he laid eyes on her. She was sitting there with her legs spread, her placenta had come out and in her arms she held a tiny little baby that was obviously dead.

"Stabler did you-" One of the agents called to him as she came into the room and he quickly put his hand up to silence her.

Olivia cried with her head down to her baby and as he stood there in the doorway, he found his voice and nervously, not knowing how he would talk to her, or what he would possibly say. He called to her softly as he walked towards her.

"Liv?"

* * *

**That's my story and I hope you guys enjoyed it. Thanks for reading and I'll see you guys on my next story.**


	65. Epilogue

**Epilogue**

**3 years later**

It's never easy to get over losing a child. Especially when in that loss you're trying to get past other horrific things that changed your life.

Winter was never the same for her. In spite of the fact that she once loved the season, the snow and cold temperatures that made warm blankets, hot chocolate and cuddling with someone special the best part. Now however, it just seemed too cold and dark.

The last two years hadn't been at all easy for Olivia. Immediately following her rescue, and Serena's burial, which she did right beside her mother, she cracked. Losing that baby was just too much for her and she just let go, spending months in a hospital while outside, her squad blamed themselves for all she'd been through and mourned for her. Brian especially. After the baby was autopsied and a DNA test was run in the process to prove that Harlan was the father and it came back that he wasn't. When the news got back, remembering that he and Olivia had been intimate just a week before all of this happened, he submitted himself to be tested and found out that the baby was in fact his. With everything else that Olivia was going through, him having to tell her that Serena wasn't a product of rape and that she'd come from a place of love, while it tore at her heart even more, it made it somehow easier to know that that legacy wouldn't follow her baby through eternity.

Through everything though, Elliot never left her side. Even though she pushed him and everyone away, wanting to be alone in her grief. Even after she was released and allowed to go home. She cried for herself and her daughter, mourning the little girl and she basically locked herself away.

After 3 years however, she was better. The men involved in her rape and imprisonment including Doc went away for at least 30 years to life. And in the case of Harlan, his assumed name, and his many other crimes that had come to light, he was sentenced to Die. Bronwyn on the other hand feigned crazy and is currently spending 10 years in a mental asylum.

Olivia and Elliot had come a long way since that day he and his team had found her in Harlan's home. Eventually, she learned to trust in people again and she learned to trust in him. He told her once that he was sorry for just leaving the way he did and he spent every day of the next three years proving it.

Now, Spring has come and for the first time in three years, she can see the beauty in life as she and Elliot stroll through Central Park.

"Beautiful day."

"It is." She said as she turned around to watch the ducks in the pond. "I'm just glad that I can see it again. For so long I couldn't." She had tears in her eyes.

"Serena?"

"Yeah. She would've loved Springtime...I just wish that I could've had the chance…"

"I wish I could've saved her." He said, and she simply nodded.

"I know you do. But I feel like god gave me a second chance though, you know?" She said with her hands on her very large belly. She was due any day now with this baby, a girl and they were so excited. "I dreamt this, Serena was still alive and I was pregnant with a boy but I dreamt that we'd have this life."

"It'd be even more perfect if you'd marry me. I feel like I've waited my whole life for you!"

"And me for you, but I -"

"You don't think you're ready yet, I know. Even though you…" He continued talking while she felt a pop and her water began leaking out.

"El…"

"I know, and believe me, I'm not pushing. I just-"

"My water just broke!"

"You're serious?"

"I'm serious."

"We're ready, this is it!"

...

She went through ten long hours where she didn't scream or yell once despite the pain. Elliot wondered how, considering what he knew she must be going through but she just soldiered through it; breaking down a few times and silently crying but finally, that moment came where all of her suffering had come to a payoff. She pushed a final time and at last she was holding her baby. The doctor put her on her chest and she lost it. So completely overwhelmed with love for this baby. She couldn't speak as she cradled her to her breast and just openly sobbed as she looked down at her.

...

7lbs 12ozs, 19 inches long. They named their baby girl Hope Stabler because that's what she was for Olivia. Hope. She was like a new chance, one that nobody could take away.

Of all that had happened to Olivia, here and now she'd finally found her happiness! She and Elliot would get married later that summer but for now, they were happy and that for her outweighed everything else.

* * *

**The End**


End file.
